Bob D. from Las Vegas, NV at Sober City at the Tabernacle – Atlanta, GA – 7/1/2015

(0:02 – 0:56)
My name is Bob Darrell and I am an alcoholic. And only through the grace of a God that I
was afraid to believe in, that I’ve accessed and maintained in my life through a process
outlined in a book called Alcoholics Anonymous, the ability to remain reasonably
sponsorable in a persistent and consistent effort in the primary purpose of helping other
alcoholics, I haven’t had a drink or any mind or emotional and altering substance since
October 31st, 1978. God, there’s a lot of people here I know.
(0:56 – 1:08)
It’s hard to believe. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous back in 1978 and I’d been totally
alone for a long time. No one would have anything to do with me.
(1:09 – 1:26)
And not only is there a lot of people here I know, there’s a lot of people here that know a
lot about me and seem to still like me, which is amazing to me. I would like to welcome
anybody that’s new. I’m glad you’re here.
(1:27 – 1:49)
How many people, this is your first international. How many people here have been
noticing things and this is your last international? Always one or two, yeah, I know, yeah.
Yeah, you’ll get gang 12-stepped at the end of the meeting.
(1:56 – 2:08)
I hate to say it, I say this sometimes, it’s true. I can’t wait to hear what I’m going to say. I
just, I need to clear the air what’s going on in my life right today.
(2:08 – 2:30)
This has been an amazing couple weeks. I was in some other countries and I came back,
just had a luncheon with my sponsor and I really, I don’t know, I’ve really come to
cherish time with him. He’s sober a long time, coming up on 57 years and he’s, yeah,
and he’s 88 years old.
(2:30 – 2:47)
So I don’t know how big the window of hanging out with him is, but I’m telling you, I’m in
that window every chance I can get. And he’s become very dear to me. And his influence
has been very, very important to me.
(2:47 – 3:24)
He holds a high bar here for me to try to follow. Anyway, if you’re new, I’m glad you’re
here. Is anybody brand new here, like within the first 30 days? Oh, really? Wow! I mean,
you, God, you must have been so bad that God had to have the whole frickin’ planet 12-
step you.
(3:24 – 3:41)
I mean, really, when you think about it. Well, just a regular rehab ain’t gonna do for this
guy. He needs about 70,000 people.
(3:44 – 3:53)
That’s very cool, that’s very cool. I don’t know why I’m alcoholic. I didn’t come from an
alcoholic home.
(3:53 – 4:00)
I came from a mother and father who loved me. I always knew it. They sacrificed for me.
(4:01 – 4:08)
And you know, it’s an odd thing. I look back at my childhood, and there was just
something wasn’t right with me. And I don’t know why.
(4:09 – 4:13)
It should have been. I mean, I had a great childhood. I should have been the happy kid.
(4:13 – 4:36)
But I got this kind of mindset that I don’t appreciate good stuff because I’m so busy
looking for potential problems. And if you’re like me, they’re all over the place. And most
of them haven’t occurred yet, but you can see them forming right before your eyes.
(4:37 – 4:56)
You know what I’m saying? And I can tell by body language of people that they’re
thinking something about me. You know what I mean? And I feel awkward, and I go to
school, and oh, there’s all kinds of people there. And I don’t know what they’re thinking,
but I always suspect it’s about me for some reason.
(4:57 – 5:04)
And the teachers, I don’t know what they want. My parents, I don’t know what they want.
But everybody wants something from me.
(5:04 – 5:10)
And I don’t know what it is. And I just, I don’t fit anywhere. And man, I worry a lot.
(5:12 – 5:34)
I was almost 13 years old, and the first time alcohol ever touched this sickness of my
being. And I’ll tell you, the first time I ever took a drink, I was almost 13 years old. It was
like instantly, I knew I had needed this for a long time.
(5:34 – 5:45)
I mean, and it was, I loved the effect produced by alcohol. It was just so spectacular.
Because I’m a guy who, I’m a problematic guy.
(5:45 – 5:53)
I don’t mean to be, but I’m the guy who doesn’t feel like he fits. I’m the guy who’s full of
fear. I’m the guy who’s not tough and tries to pretend like he is.
(5:54 – 6:11)
And I cower behind a facade that I’ve created that’s phony, so you don’t see how wrong I
am. And when I drank alcohol the first time, the facade came down. I don’t have to
pretend anymore.
(6:11 – 6:19)
I really am, I really am free. I could come out and play, I could talk to people. I don’t have
to pretend I’m cool.
(6:19 – 6:31)
I tell you, you get me half lit up, I am cool. Sober, I am just a, I’m a mope. I don’t, I can’t,
I don’t know how to talk to people.
(6:31 – 6:37)
I’m serious. You get me about half drunk, I’m funny. I mean, I crack me up, I’m funny.
(6:40 – 6:54)
I could, I remember getting in those, alcohol put me in the early days, it put me in this
zone. Man, when I was in that zone, I can’t miss. No matter what I’m doing, I’m doing it
like way up here above humanity.
(6:54 – 7:05)
You know what I’m saying? Like, I could shoot pool. When I’m sober, I’m just a below
average pool shooter. You get that, just that right buzz on, and I can’t miss.
(7:05 – 7:16)
It’s like, I’m channeling Willie Marsconi in Minnesota Fats or something. It was amazing.
You get me, you get me about half drunk, I can dance.
(7:16 – 7:33)
I can’t dance sober. They’re all looking at me, but you, I never took a dance lesson in my
life, but I’ll tell you, a pint of whiskey is like 20 Arthur Murray dance lessons, man. Whoa,
I could just get out there and feel the rhythm of the universe flowing through me, man.
(7:38 – 7:49)
I could be, I could be intelligent. I am so awkward around people sober, but you get me
half lit up. I mean, deep stuff comes out of me.
(7:49 – 8:13)
You know what I’m saying? Like deep, I remember many times with a bunch of stoner
friends of mine, it’s about 3 o’clock in the morning, we’re smoking reefer and drinking
wine, and cracking the secrets of the universe, you know. I remember one night saying
to my buddies, I said, I think this is what Buddha saw. You know, you get to see the big
picture.
(8:13 – 8:26)
You know what I mean, the big picture. And then, you know, you know, I sober up and
I’m back to being me again. And my big secret was I never liked that much.
(8:27 – 8:39)
I always liked myself better under the effects of alcohol than I ever liked myself on the
natch. I don’t know why. I don’t know if I could have explained that to you.
(8:40 – 9:01)
I don’t even know that I could explain it to myself. But I just know I, from the first time I
ever drank it, did something for me that I could not get enough of it. And I just remember
the first time I got lit up thinking to myself, Oh my God, I want to feel like this the rest of
my life.
(9:01 – 9:11)
And it was a crusade with me. Getting high was my religion, man. I’m telling you, I was
in, I just pursued it with a vengeance.
(9:13 – 9:29)
But I’m alcoholic. Now, I don’t know I’m alcoholic, but when you’re alcoholic, there’s
something wrong with you that you don’t know is wrong with you. And it keeps ending
you up in jails and in principal’s offices and in the boss’s offices he’s letting you go.
(9:29 – 9:39)
And, you know, he’s getting that look from her. I didn’t mean to wet your bed. I mean,
you know, I, you know, right.
(9:40 – 10:02)
Well, you know, it’s, I mean, it’s physics. You drink five quarts of beer and pass out. It’s
physics, man.
It ain’t nothing personal. So, I don’t know what’s wrong with me because when I start to
drink, something happens to me. I do not know it’s happening to me.
(10:02 – 10:18)
But it’s happening to me just the same. And what that is, is as I feel the effect of the
alcohol, I break out in this irresistible yearning for more. And that only happens in people
with alcoholism.
(10:18 – 10:59)
Dr. Silkworth in our book says that this phenomenon of craving, this allergic reaction to
alcohol that expresses itself in this craving, is what differentiates us and sets us apart as
a distinct entity. It’s why I know I have this disease. And, you know, I got, I got, I got
sober at a time when, over, I got sober over and over again through years where if you
went into a treatment center, they would ask you these questions like, what’s your drug
of choice? That’s an odd question.
(11:04 – 11:19)
Because I don’t, you can’t say what pops into your mind because your pops, what pops
into my mind is, well, what do you got? I mean, you can’t say that. I mean, you know,
you can’t, so you gotta try to grab something out of the air. And they ask the wrong, it’s
not the right question.
(11:20 – 11:27)
The question should be, okay, you think your problem’s that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we
know that. That’s what you think, because that’s what you got arrested for.
(11:27 – 11:43)
You think that’s your problem. But what happens to you when you drink alcohol, Bob?
What happens if you have two drinks of alcohol? There’s a test in our big book where you
can diagnose yourself. It says, you’re not sure if you’re alcoholic.
(11:43 – 11:57)
It says, go over to the nearest bar room, try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and
then stop abruptly. Well, if I were to take that test, because I don’t believe I’m alcoholic.
(11:57 – 12:02)
I think my problem’s these chemicals. I think my problem’s the police. I think my
problem’s my emotions.
(12:03 – 12:08)
I think it’s some kind of mental illness. It’s not alcoholism. But you guys say, take the
test.
(12:08 – 12:20)
Okay, go into this bar. Let’s see if these people from AA are full of crap. You’re going to
have two strong drinks, because if you’re only going to have two, you might as well be
doubles, triples maybe, doubles at least.
(12:21 – 12:23)
I mean, two, two drinks. And then you’ve got to shut her down. You’ve got to go home.
(12:24 – 12:31)
Now, you can’t smoke nothing. You can’t go bang on a guy’s door and sell something.
You’ve got to just have two drinks and go home.
(12:31 – 12:45)
Well, about halfway through that second drink, it became very apparent to me that this
is a bad test day. Well, because that game’s on. I didn’t know that game was on.
(12:45 – 12:50)
For God’s sakes, I’ve got to have another drink and watch that game. Or Joe walks in.
Joe’s got something good to smoke.
(12:51 – 12:57)
I’ve got to have a drink with Joe. Or she walks in. Oh my God, that could be her.
(12:59 – 13:04)
I’ve got to have a drink with her. It might be my soulmate. Bad test day.
(13:04 – 13:07)
Tomorrow, I’ll do a test. It’ll be good. Better tomorrow.
(13:07 – 13:22)
And it’s a funny thing that happens. As the effect from the alcohol hits me, I have that
allergic reaction, but I don’t know it. Because inside of me, I don’t think I’m being driven
by a phenomenon, a craving.
(13:22 – 13:56)
It seems to me that I just changed my mind. I think the way this disease punked me out
and burnt my life to the ground over and over again, and it did it convincing me it was
my idea. Right? And I have no idea in how many times that people like us, you know, we
get in a lot of trouble, a lot of trouble, say to myself, man, I can’t do that again.
(13:57 – 14:09)
I’m just going to I’m going to have to stop at a reasonable point and not 2, that’s silly,
but, you know, like 12. 12’s good. You know, something reasonable.
(14:10 – 14:37)
Because I don’t seem to I don’t seem to do anything too bizarre on the first 10 anyway.
So, I’ll stop then and, you know, number 11, and it seems like well, 12 was a stupid
number. And every drink of alcohol I have ever taken in my life makes me feel and think
I need another drink of alcohol.
(14:38 – 14:59)
And I didn’t know that that was the definitive characteristic of the alcoholic. That’s why I
know I have this thing. Well, if that was all there was to alcoholism, then back in the 80s,
that Nancy Reagan Just Say No program would have worked for me.
(15:00 – 15:13)
Because you’d take me to a treatment center, you’d show me the Father Martin movies,
I’d listen to the doctors, you can’t take the first drink because of the acetate in the brain
and all that stuff. Okay, okay, I get it. Alright, I’m just not going to take the first one.
(15:14 – 15:26)
And I’d make up my mind because I’m not stupid, I understand I’m burning my life to the
ground. I understand I’m sleeping on guys’ couches, guys, idiots, stupid guys I went to
high school with on Holmes. I get it, I get it.
(15:28 – 15:50)
So I’d make up my mind I’m never going to touch that stuff again. And something
hideous would start to happen to me and it’s really hard to see it sometimes. But these
emotions would start to grind away at me subtly and slowly inside of me.
(15:53 – 16:23)
And they’d just start you know and Silkworth says that we become, when we get sober
what brings us back to taking a drink again is this condition of my spirit that I’ll become
progressively more restless, irritable and discontent. And I don’t know it because it goes
right below the radar and just kind of gnaws at you. You know that restlessness every
alcoholic I’ve ever talked to knows about that feeling.
(16:23 – 16:38)
It’s a feeling wherever you are it’s not where you need to be I don’t know where I need to
be but it ain’t here. It’s an inability to get to feel settled. It’s an inability to go in your own
life.
(16:41 – 16:50)
I’m irritable but I don’t want to admit to myself I’m irritable. Well first of all, irritable
people irritate me. I am not irritable.
(16:52 – 28:13)
But now that I’m not drinking I can see very clearly how stupid people are. And because
I’m restless they need to know and I can’t help it and I see stupid people everywhere I
see stupid people in the grocery store Do you ever stand in that line buying something
Diet Coke, gallon of ice cream Stupid people in the grocery store Stupid people in traffic
Nobody drives right They’re either driving crazy and they’re a maniac or they’re driving
too slow and then they’re an idiot Nobody drives right There’s always something wrong I
go to get jobs, go to work You know when I interview for the job, they seem like nice
people And then I’m telling you I’m not there very long and man, I’ve worked for some
stupid people My friend Jimmy said something that I thought was hilarious and so true
He said one time, he said I worked over 50 places He said I never worked anywhere
where they did it right And then he said some of those places have been doing it wrong
successfully for decades And then he said something that really cut me He said, and I
was always the guy that was leaving Whoa Whoa Man, because I’m always the guy that’s
leaving And I I go to work and they’re stupid at work Oh, go to meetings Oh my God,
they got all the stupid people grouped in AA They’re all right here Oh my God, how did
they get them all together They’re all right here I remember sitting in meetings AA was
intellectually offensive to me Oh my God, it was horrible I just sit there and people share
these cliches like first things first easy does it, live and let live I felt like I was being
stoned to death by refrigerator magnets from a recovery bookstore Stop Does anybody
speak English here? Right? It’s like all these cliches Oh, and then you talk about God
God, God, God, God, God When did you start saying the God stuff? It’s like a steel door
slams closed in my head Because it can’t be that It can’t be that Because if it’s that If
that’s the way to go I got a problem here I I fancied myself an atheist when I got to
Alcoholics Anonymous In truth I really wasn’t an atheist I have known some real atheists
I’m telling you, you’ve got to be religious about your atheism I can’t get that much angst
about it What I really am in truth is I’m a guy who’s afraid of God I’m a guy, to this day,
by nature if I just suspect you don’t like me I’m going to not like you first And I thought
that’s me and God Right? What I’m about to say, I’ve got to tell you My religious
upbringing as a kid the problem with it it was good I brought the mind of a chronic
alcoholic who hasn’t found the medicine of alcohol yet to the table there Wilson
describes the alcoholic mind pretty well very insightful in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions
when he’s talking about me he says that we talk a lot about problems and then he goes
on to say why he says, that’s because we’re problem people Did you ever see that movie
Sixth Sense the little kid walks around and says I see dead people Oh I see problems Oh
Oh Everywhere I look I see I can look at your body language and go Oh you’re going to
be a problem I can tell by looking at you You’re thinking something about me I can tell I
see problems that haven’t occurred yet I don’t hear about a God of love because that’s
not a problem I don’t hear that I don’t even hear that I hear problems I hear about a God
who judges because that’s a problem about a God who could see in the dark, oh that’s
really a problem Oh man that’s a hideous problem about a God who could read my mind
and not only judge me for what I do, judge me for what I think about doing that’s just
horrible God she was young nice nun I guess I think she would have been pretty if she
didn’t have all that hardware on I guess I don’t know I’m in grade school and she’s like
saying this thing she says all the time we must be pure of thought, word and deed I’m a
little kid trying to be good yes sister, yes sister and then my mind starts imagining her
naked I’m thinking oh that sin’s not even in the books you know what I’m saying you
cannot go into that church and go in that little box with that priest and tell him that oh
he’ll come out and beat the crap out of you you cannot tell anybody that you can’t tell
anybody that so it’s another brick in the wall that separated me from you and me from
God it was my secret life and my secret thoughts and feelings and judgements what our
book refers to as our old ideas that were killing me so when I get to Alcoholics
Anonymous and I hear you guys talk about God it’s like not that not that can’t be that
but I got alcoholism and if you live long enough alcohol will just beat all your convictions
and things you think you’re right about right out of you and it’s a tedious, tedious
process this crushing of the ego there’s a line in our book it’s so so right on it talks about
being crushed I like that word crushed because I just puff up with all this stuff I think I
know I just puff up about everything I’m right about and it says when we’re crushed by
these self imposed crises we cannot postpone or evade then Bob you will have to
fearlessly face the proposition that God’s either everything or he’s nothing he either is or
he isn’t what are you going to do and you know it’s funny because broken, crushed
desperate people that have nowhere to go and they can’t think their way out of the bad,
bad horrid situation they’re in become desperate and desperate people will entertain
actions and ideas that they normally if they were in their right mind would never
entertain I had to have just enough of me, kicked out of me that I could start to hear you
and I almost died of something, a condition that I didn’t even understood that I had I had
a therapist one time try to tell me that I was ego dominant he said there’s a great guy in
Pittsburgh I’ve been to three treatment centers he was in that he lectured in, he was a
psychiatrist and a rabbi and he was like a brilliant guy and Abe cornered me on the third
one one time and he said to me people like you never get better some of you find a way
to remain in some kind of angst abstinence for decades but you never change and you
never recover because even though you have no self esteem and boy that was true he
said you have grown such a horrendous huge ego that you have an inability to listen to
anyone in order to hear anything new you can only hear how you are already right and
I’ll tell you I thought he was stupid that went over my head that was exactly that was so
on the money because I’m sitting there and I’m picking him apart he’s saying that to me
I’m making him out to be he’s Jewish what does he know I’ll find anything I’ve had people
get a little too close to home with me my head would do that’s the stupidest toupee I’ve
ever seen anything I can grab onto to discount you if you threaten me this is the most
offended sickness I think in the universe and I don’t know that I don’t know I just know
I’m dying here and you know my mother worked for mental health she was a therapist of
sorts because of her and my father’s connections I went to some great psychiatrists went
to a lot of treatment centers I accumulated a wealth of intellectual knowledge believing
that there’s power in knowledge and there’s not all the knowledge was for me in my
unsurrendered state it was just more fodder for my ego it just puffed me up that’s all it
puffed me up into being the guy that knows everything I was the I know guy I know, I
know everything I know, I know I could sit in meetings and if you said something I agreed
with you’re brilliant, anything else you were stupid which the only guy that would say
something I agreed with was the guy that was on marijuana maintenance usually so I’m
dying of this disease and well intentioned people are trying to help me and people in AA
are trying to help me if you’re if you are fairly new I’d be willing to bet that in the years
preceding your coming to Alcoholics Anonymous there has probably been a whole bunch
of people getting in your face at time to time to talk to you about you you know, I hate
that stuff my mother and father maybe your mother and father have tried to talk to you
about you maybe your siblings have tried to talk to you about you maybe your kids or
your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend have had conversations with you about you
maybe your priest or minister has had some conversations with you about you maybe
your parole officer has had some conversations you get really bad maybe your drug
dealers had some conversations with you about you. And it’s the same conversation.
(28:14 – 28:35)
They all use different words, but it’s the same thing. They’re all saying to me, Bob, Bob,
Bob, you’re so screwed up. If you catch me on a bad day and my defense mechanisms
are down, I might just sit there and feel like crap and go, yeah, I know.
(28:36 – 28:49)
And then they always want to answer their own question. They always ask a question
and they answer it. They say, do you know why you’re screwed up? My God, I’ve been to
so much therapy by now, my head’s spinning with useless information.
(28:49 – 28:56)
I said, no, I don’t know. And they’ll tell you. They’ll say, well, the reason you’re so
screwed up is you keep getting screwed up.
(28:56 – 29:01)
If you didn’t keep getting screwed up, you wouldn’t be so screwed up. So I’m pretty
screwed up. And I think, OK, I’m going to get screwed up.
(29:01 – 29:09)
And when I don’t get screwed up, I get so screwed up. I have to go get screwed up. And I
don’t understand this.
(29:09 – 29:46)
This doesn’t make sense to me because I think the problem is alcohol and combinations,
alcohol and drugs. And in truth, what alcohol is, alcohol is a medicine that at one time, in
the early days, in the marvelous days when the hook was set, at one time was the most
immediate and dynamic treatment for the thing that’s really wrong with me that I’ve
ever, ever found. There was a friend of mine up in the Bay Area, Gil.
(29:46 – 29:53)
Gil used to say, there’s three phases of alcoholism. There’s the fun phase. That’s the
phase when you’re singing in the band.
(29:53 – 30:01)
You know, you’re rocking and rolling, man. It’s never, that’s when life’s good. Then
there’s the fun and problem phase.
(30:02 – 30:23)
It’s like you’re rocking and rolling and having a lot of fun and going to jail intermittently,
wetting your pants intermittently. But it’s a little price to pay for the party, for God’s
sakes. And then there’s the last phase, and most of us come here in the last phase, and
that’s where all the fun’s bled out and it’s just problems.
(30:23 – 30:37)
But we don’t want to believe it’s like that. That one of the things that almost killed me
was hope. Now, it sounds very strange to say that I almost died from too much hope, but
I almost died from too much hope.
(30:38 – 31:24)
And what’s the hope? The hope is that somehow, someday, someway, man, I’m going to
roll her back to the good old days, and I’m going to find a way to do that and get away
with it. I never thought that I’m not going to pay a price for drinking. I mean, I get it.
There’s always some sort of price. My delusion is that I can keep the price down to
something reasonable, right? I think I have that much control. And what broke me was a
painful truth that I resisted and fought and resisted and justified and rationalized away
for years because, my God, I don’t want to believe it.
(31:24 – 32:06)
And the truth is, hey, Bob, you know this pathetic, self-pitying, depressing drinking you
do in loneliness? This is as good as it’s ever going to get for you, Bob. And man, I don’t
want to believe the party’s over because if I can’t somehow, someday, reap the old
effects that used to light me up and set me free from alcohol, then the truth is, I don’t
see the point in living because I can’t live without it. I can’t live without it, not only in my
restless, irritable, and discontent, but I get very depressed when I’m sober.
(32:06 – 32:17)
I don’t start off depressed. I start off excited. There’s a passage in the 12 Steps and 12
Traditions where he talks about us and he says that we have known three emotional
conditions.
(32:18 – 32:29)
Excitement. You know what that’s like? You’re newly sober and you’re excited because
you’re going to turn over a new leaf. You’re going to show them.
You’re going to do, you’re going to, you’re going to. And I’m that guy. I’m going to, I’m
going to, I’m going to go to school.
(32:29 – 32:45)
I’m going to get a girl. I’m going to, I’m going to, I’m going to, I’m going to, I’m going to,
I’m going to. I’m like an engine that don’t turn over.
You know what I’m saying? I’m going to, I’m going to, I’m going to, I’m going to. And
what happens is that I get, I’m so excited on the I’m going to’s. And then there’s the fear
because I can’t seem to do any of it.
(32:46 – 33:11)
And the anxiety, is this it? And then even if you do roll one of them and you get your
way, you know what that’s like? Oh my God, the shine of that wears off no matter what it
is. If you’re like me, you get sober and you get, you have a consciousness of acquisition.
You’re always targeting things, man, that you believe are going to make a difference.
(33:12 – 33:53)
As the book says, we’re victims of this delusion that we could rest, like in wrestle, rest
happiness and satisfaction out of this world if we only manage well. This idea that if I get
my ducks all lined up in a row, this idea that if I’m properly financed, if I had the right
person loving me the right way, not like the others, but the right way. If I had the job
where I was understood and respected, not like the others, if I had all that lined up,
surely then I will have found satisfaction and happiness out of this world.
(33:54 – 34:50)
The reason that this is such a heartbreaking and demoralizing delusion is that, for God’s
sakes, no one on the planet as a demographic has ever spent more money, more effort,
more obsessive energy and focus and time on making ourselves happy and satisfied as
we have, for God’s sakes. And the end result is, would you sponsor me? Right? I mean, if
you’re new, I hope you get that, right? Matter of fact, if you have people telling you that
now that you’re sober, you should work on yourself, run. Run away from them.
(34:51 – 35:15)
You have worked on yourself a lot, I know. You’ve thought about yourself a lot. You’ve
figured for yourself a lot.
Stop it. Come with us into this altruistic movement, where we’re going to teach you how
to forget yourself by your actions. And if you do it by your actions long enough,
eventually the insides start to follow somewhat.
(35:16 – 35:28)
I will always be self-centered. I think it’s one of my more endearing qualities, but a lot of
people don’t. I will always have that default.
(35:29 – 35:40)
It’s like the nature. And everything I do in Alcoholics Anonymous, all the actions I take
are to move me off of that position. Not once and for all.
(35:41 – 35:52)
Because I immediately start degrading back into me again. There was a guy who shared
an analogy. I think it’s perfect.
(35:52 – 36:11)
I can come into Alcoholics Anonymous and I can surrender and I can work these steps.
It’s like flushing a toilet. The back of the toilet just empties.
I just empty out of me. And then instantaneously I start to fill up with myself again. I
don’t mean to.
(36:12 – 36:31)
It’s just the nature of a chronic, not acute, but a chronic spiritual malady. It’s my default
position. If you’re like me, if you want to try a little experiment, don’t talk to anybody all
day tomorrow.
(36:34 – 36:49)
Just ponder your life. Don’t have any sharp objects around. I’ve never pondered my life
and spiraled upward.
(36:49 – 36:57)
No. Matter of fact, I just start to ponder my life. Oh my God, there’s some problems.
(36:57 – 37:11)
I’m glad I’m thinking about this stuff because there’s some problems here I didn’t notice
before. Oh, do you ever check your future and have it look good? I check my future and
oh, it’s bleak. It’s bleak, bleak, bleak, bleak.
(37:12 – 37:40)
And that does change in here. Just contingent on how much I’ve learned to strengthen
and exercise the trust God muscle here and the trust AA muscle. But for a long time
here, I could understand intellectually that I’m supposed to abandon myself and trust my
sponsor and trust AA and ultimately trust God.
(37:40 – 38:00)
But I could understand that intellectually. It doesn’t mean I can do it. Because I’ve been
taking a position in my life of listening to my head and believing it a lot longer than I’ve
ever… Matter of fact, my trust God, my trust muscle had atrophied by the time I came
here.
(38:00 – 38:07)
I was so defended. I didn’t trust anything or anybody. And I had to start exercising that
through my actions.
(38:10 – 38:42)
And it’s not easy. One of the first line in Step 5 in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions really
nails a lot of this for me. It says that these things that we do run contrary to our basic
instincts and desires.
They really do. You know, no one comes to AA, looks at the 12 Steps in the midst of their
brokenness and hopelessness, and looks at the 12 Steps and goes, Oh yeah, that would
work. Yeah.
(38:44 – 38:55)
Oh, I’m so grateful to be here. I get to write an inventory. Oh, I’m going to cry.
Oh, this is amazing. I get to pay back all the money. Oh.
(39:01 – 39:23)
Yeah. And if you think that way, I think Al-Anon’s down the hall. And you don’t really
want to get out of there, but you want to take him down there, don’t you? I know you do.
I know. It’s like you can’t resist. And I don’t know what you’re doing here.
(39:24 – 39:36)
AA doesn’t make sense. And it doesn’t. If you’re new, don’t wait until this stuff makes
sense.
(39:36 – 40:00)
Before you do it, you’ve already died of alcoholism. Alcoholics Anonymous does not
make sense until you’ve taken the actions for a while. And then we all say the same
thing as we start to come alive here, as all that sick crap starts to be lifted up off of us
through Steps 4 through 9. We all say the same thing in the new rush of freedom and
happiness.
(40:00 – 40:11)
We all say the same thing. Oh my God, I should have done this years ago. Which is so
bizarre, because we were the people fighting it for years.
(40:13 – 41:02)
And I don’t know what’s good for me. That’s why I have a sponsor, a home group, and I
have the accountability of sponsoring people. And I’ll tell you, there’s a tremendous
amount of accountability in sponsoring people, because you may not even want the
position, but I’ll tell you something, even in time, you’re going to wake up to something
that might change you.
You’re going to wake up to the reality that those people look to you as the example of
how to live your life sober. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t care that much about
me, but I care about you, and I don’t want to be a bad example to the guys I sponsor,
because I end up loving them. And so, I have a sponsor, and I have sponsees.
(41:04 – 41:19)
In 1970, I think it was early 77, I ended up in an emergency room. Not unusual. I hurt
myself sometimes.
(41:19 – 41:46)
I don’t mean to. I fall down and break stuff. I wreck cars.
This particular time, I think what happened is in some kind of semi-blackout alcoholic
rage, I put myself I smashed through a plate glass window and got cut up pretty bad.
They had to take me to the hospital because I wouldn’t stop bleeding. And I had to have
some stitches.
(41:47 – 42:34)
And they’re stitching me up, and I’m in there for a while. Now, they took some x-rays to
make sure something wasn’t broken, and I’m sitting in the waiting room in the
emergency room. I’ve been in there a couple hours, so I’m kind of sobering up because
they don’t have bars in emergency room waiting.
I mean, they should, because if there’s ever a time you need a drink, it’s in an
emergency room waiting room, for God’s sake. But they don’t have bars, so I’m kind of
being forced to sober up while I’m waiting for the results for the x-rays. And there’s a
rack of medical pamphlets sitting there on this table.
You know, heart disease and diabetes and different things. There was this one that got
my attention. It was the Seven Warning Signs of Cancer.
I remember seeing that and going, huh. And I grabbed it and I started looking through it.
I’m kind of sobered up kind of now.
(42:35 – 43:25)
And I’m reading it. And one of the warning signs of cancer was something like, um,
continued unexplained intermittent bleeding. And I remember reading that and thinking,
oh.
Because I throw up sometimes and dry heaves. Blood comes up sometimes. And I
thought, oh my God.
And then I thought, oh, oh, oh, wait a minute, oh, there’s been a couple occasions I’ve
bled out of both ends. This is not good. I thought, I have cancer.
And then it was like this veil lifted and I could see it so clearly. It’s, it’s metastasized to
my brain. I mean, no.
(43:25 – 43:47)
It explained volumes of my life. That’s why I do bizarre things and I can’t remember
them. That’s why sometimes it works.
Some of you will say some little thing to me and I’ll fly off the handle. Just go crazy and
yell at them and scream. Everybody stays away from me.
A lot of people don’t like me. But it’s not my fault. I have a brain tumor.
(43:51 – 44:03)
I have a brain tumor. I remember, I walked out for a long time. I had this fantasy, you
know, they’re going to eventually pull me off the streets and take me to a cancer ward.
(44:04 – 44:50)
My mother and father, who will not have anything to do with me, won’t even take my
calls. They think I’m a bum. They’re going to be notified that I have a brain tumor.
And oh, are they going to be so wrong about everything. And they’re going to come
running to the hospital. They’re going to put me back in the will.
They’re going to, oh my God. Oh. And of course, all my ex-girlfriends will be notified.
And they thought I was a bum. They’re going to come running to the hospital properly
ashamed of themselves. I love that fantasy.
(44:52 – 45:04)
Well, later on, I end up in another detox. This medical guy is checking my vitals and
everything. He’s talking about alcoholism.
He might have been in the program. I don’t know. He’s talking about alcoholism.
(45:04 – 45:14)
I said, Doc, Doc, I have a brain tumor. And he rears back. And he goes, has this been
verified? Yes, it has.
(45:15 – 45:39)
Well, no. It was verified by the smartest guy I know. Right? And he gets very excited.
And he sets me up with a whole bunch of tests. They shoot dye in me, take pictures.
They do a whole bunch of stuff.
Blood tests, blood tests. And he, I’m waiting. Waiting for him to come back and tell me
the good, that I’m dying of a terminal disease.
(45:39 – 45:53)
Tell me the good news. He comes in. He says, we got your test results back.
You don’t have a brain tumor. You don’t have cancer at all. What you have is you have
an ulcer and a hemorrhoid.
(45:56 – 46:07)
And I remember, it felt like the bottom fell out. Oh, no, no. I mean, I wanted a second
opinion.
(46:07 – 46:28)
Right? Now, if you identify with that on any level, you are sick. Because I am so egodominant that I would rather be dead and right and you wrong. The idea that I’m going
to live a normal life is depressing to me.
(46:35 – 47:12)
Wow. You know, the funny part is, I bet you there’s people in here that are going, oh
yeah, I thought that. I bet you I’m not the only one in this room that hasn’t rehearsed
some just heartfelt deathbed speeches.
Oh, I mean, bring tears to your eyes. Just bring tears to your eyes. Well, anyway, the
doctor said to me, he said, you know, you don’t have any of that stuff, but you do have
alcoholism, kid, and you keep drinking, it’s going to kill you.
(47:13 – 47:20)
He said, then he said, you know, you’re young and you physically bounce back. You’re in
your 20s. You’re physically bounced back.
(47:20 – 47:38)
It probably is going to take five more years, but if you keep drinking, it’s going to kill you.
And I never forgot that. Before the year was up, I was been thrown out of another rehab
and I’m facing two years in a state penitentiary.
(47:41 – 48:58)
Clancy talks about getting to a place where there’s no friendly direction. And it’s more, to
me, that’s more than the fact that there’s no one to turn to for help. I can’t even turn to
the bottle in the bag anymore because I get it.
I can drink that stuff until it kills me, but I can’t get free anymore. And I know it. I know
the truth about the last couple years of my pathetic, pathetic, lonely, depressing drinking
and how I just hoped against hope to get back to the good old days and failed every
single time.
And man, I’ll tell you something, I am not a suicidal guy, but when drinking is horrible
and pathetic and abstinence is depressing and lonely and feels like you’re doing time
and neither state is tenable for very long for you because neither one’s good, suicide
even if you don’t have a suicidal cell in your body can start looking like a good deal to a
guy like me. Because I want out. I’m like that rat, man.
(48:58 – 49:21)
I don’t want any more cheese. I want out of this trap. And I came to in a park and I
remember I’m sitting there and I’m sick and I’m alone and I can’t even get free from
drinking and I shake.
I have terrible tremors. I’m a kid in my twenties. I have tremors like some old burnt out
wino.
(49:21 – 49:53)
I’m totally alone. There’s no hope anywhere of any relief. And I remember the doctor
saying if you keep drinking it’s going to kill you, but it’ll take five more years.
And I remember sitting there thinking, oh my God, I can’t do five more days of this. I’m
so sick of me. I’m so sick of every, I’m sick of begging people for beds in some skid row
mission or halfway house or detox.
(49:55 – 53:52)
I’m sick of the looks as I walk down the street because I’m dirty and I got long hair down
to about here and a beard. Long beard. I think I fancied myself a ZZ Top Tryout.
I don’t know. And when you, when drinking is horrible and not drinking is horrible, suicide
looks like a good deal. And I went to a bridge.
And I’ll tell you something, this is kind of odd, but in my making the decision to kill
myself, I reaped a little bit of relief. It was like a feeling like, okay, I’m going to get this
over with. And I went to a bridge and I got on that bridge and I’m perched on the side,
psyching myself up to jump and kill myself.
And I’m looking down below. There’s these railroad tracks along the side of the river. And
I’m looking down, maybe 100 feet I guess, and I’m looking down and all of a sudden this
terror gripped me.
And it was not the fear of dying. The terror was that maybe this isn’t high enough. I’m
not afraid of dying.
I have been trying consciously and unconsciously mostly to drink and drug myself to
death for a number of years. And I think a lot of us get to that point. You know, we just
try to blot the line in the book is beautiful.
It says that we have but two choices. One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out our
intolerable situation as best we could, or the other one which was creepy, or accept
spiritual help. And I’ve been trying to do that.
I’ve been trying to drink myself to death. But it’s a hard thing to do. It takes a long time.
It’s like being kicked to death by rabbits. It just goes on and on and on. I mean, that’s
why so many of us start thinking about killing ourselves for God’s sakes.
We can’t hang. I mean, it’s just too much. It’s like day in and day out.
That’s the worst thing about alcoholism in the progression of the disease. It gets worse
and worse and worse and worse. And then when you don’t think it can get any worse, it
gets worse.
And then the worst of all, it gets the same. And that is intolerable to me. At least the ride
downhill has a little bit of excitement.
It’s that sick, same, can’t even get well, pathetic, self-pitying, depressing drinking. And
this terror gripped me that I’m not going to die. It might not be high enough.
With my luck, and I haven’t had much good luck, with my luck, I’ll end up paralyzed from
the neck down in some charity ward. And I’ll lay there for 50 years, and they don’t bring
you drinks in those places. I’ll lay there, and members of Alcoholics Anonymous will
parade their newcomers through the room and I’ll hear things like, well this is what you
have when you don’t work our beautiful 12 steps.
You know, I can’t even give them the one fingered salute because I’m paralyzed. And
you know something? When drinking is horrible, and not drinking is horrible, and you
can’t even think of yourself, what the hell is left except Alcoholics Anonymous? I mean, I
had a guy quit, I had a guy come up to me and he quit AA. He said, I’m never coming
back to a meeting.
I said, yeah you will. No, he said, you don’t hear me, I’m never coming back. Yeah you
will.
He said, I’m never coming back. I said, yes you will. He said, why do you say that? I said,
because when you burn your life to the ground again, and no one has anything to do
with you, there’s nowhere else to go except Alcoholics Anonymous.
(54:00 – 54:14)
We used to refer to AA as the last house on the block. I mean, nobody’s referred out of
here anywhere. I mean, I don’t know if he’s in the room.
(54:14 – 54:22)
I sponsor a psychiatrist. I sponsored clergy. I mean, this is where the religion and therapy
failures get sent to AA.
(54:22 – 55:19)
I mean, no really. The psychiatrists have to come here to get sober. The ministers have
to come here to get sober.
There’s nowhere to go except Alcoholics Anonymous. And I couldn’t kill myself. Some of
you figured that out.
I couldn’t kill myself and I ended up in my last detox in Las Vegas, Nevada of all places. I
started off in Pennsylvania in Pittsburgh on the streets and I started hitchhiking cross
country to avoid, I thought I was trying to avoid incarceration. You guys, after I got
sober, told me it was a geographic.
I didn’t know that. I’m coming cross country and I make it, I’m trying to get to Los
Angeles because I thought if I could live on the beach maybe in Venice or under one of
the boardwalks or something, you know, and maybe the cops wouldn’t find me. Maybe I
wouldn’t freeze, I wouldn’t be in danger of freezing to death like I was in Pennsylvania in
the winter.
(55:20 – 56:29)
Maybe I could make it if I could get to California and I got as far as Las Vegas. I ended up
in a detox there. I was so, so sick.
I didn’t want to stop in Vegas but I got to that horrid point. Some of you may understand
this. When you get real extreme alcohol addiction, you can get to a point where you
desperately have to get some of that medicine in you and you can’t keep it down.
It comes back up on you and that’s a horrid, frightening place to be. When you feel like
your nerves are shot and you want to jump out of your skin and you’re afraid you’re
going to go into seizures and you need to get some of that sick, cheap wine in you and
you can’t keep it down and that’s the place I got to. By the time I’m rolling through Las
Vegas and I ended up going into a detox there where I met a man named Dick Toussaint
who, he was the first person in Alcoholics Anonymous I could ever hear.
Now I’m not saying, by this time I’d been to probably 150, 200 meetings in various
treatment centers. I’m not saying that no one had the message of AA. I just was too full
of myself to hear you.
(56:32 – 56:50)
The constant critic in my head just tears you down. Nothing gets into me. But I guess I
had enough of me kicked out of me that for the first time in my life I was open to you
and your message and experience rolled over me.
(56:51 – 57:18)
And I remember the first time, and some of you will have, I know you’ve had this
experience. It’s a magical time. It doesn’t feel magical because your life’s in ashes, but
you’re sitting in a meeting somewhere and something starts happening to you that never
happened before where you’re listening to these people talk and you’re nodding your
head and you’re going, oh my God, I’m like these people.
(57:19 – 58:19)
And you don’t know if that’s good news or bad news. But some kind of connection starts,
out of the loneliness, and alcoholism is a lonely business, out of the loneliness that I
suffered from, I started to make a connection. And I went up to this man and I wanted to
ask him to sponsor me but I was so afraid that he would reject me because I felt so
worthless.
I would have rejected me. I was continually rejecting me. And I just thought that other
people would too.
And I went up to him and I said, would you sponsor me? And then I said if you will, I’ll do
anything you want me to do. And he said, of course I’ll sponsor you. And I said, I’ll do
anything you want me to do.
And I never realized that there was a lot of things they want you to do. I mean, there’s a
whole bunch of stuff. I mean, I just thought it was a nice thing to say so he wouldn’t
reject me.
(58:19 – 59:10)
Oh my God, they have tons of stuff. And none of it seems like a good idea. I sponsor a lot
of new guys.
And I give them the same directions that were given to me. And I love the look on their
face. Like, are you kidding? You know, I love that look.
Right? I love that look. And the amazing thing is people all the time in moments of
desperation will say things like, I’ll do anything you suggest. And then when it comes
time, they don’t do it.
And I am standing here today and my life has changed so dramatically because when it
came time and I’m asked to do some of the things I don’t want to do is I did them. That is
the thing, the factor that changed my life. Little thing.
(59:17 – 59:46)
And my sponsor wasn’t asking me to, he wasn’t trying to control my life. He was passing
on to me everything that I found out later was in the book, it was in the actions, it was
everything you hear here. He just wanted me to join the herd and dance behind the ones
before me.
In the same steps, that’s all. He just wanted me to join Alcoholics Anonymous by my
actions. He wanted me to pray.
(59:47 – 1:00:06)
I don’t believe in God. I told him, I said, I don’t know. I can’t really pray.
I don’t believe in God. I’ll feel like a hypocrite. He said, you know, you’ve been a
hypocrite all your life.
What’s the difference? Just do it. One time he said something harsh to me. I told him,
you know, I’m sensitive.
(1:00:09 – 1:00:52)
He said, sensitive people are sensitive to other people’s feelings. You’re just sensitive to
your own. We call that selfish and self-centered.
I tell you, if you’re new and you don’t want to change, better stay away from those old
timers. They got some kind of spiritual jiu-jitsu. They turn everything around on you,
man.
I’m telling you. Wow. He said to me, he was big, he was a past delegate.
He was one of the guys that started the convention in Vegas. He started to retreat. He
was involved in one of the AA clubs.
(1:00:54 – 1:01:15)
One of the guys, he brought the meetings into the detox twice a week. He was a doer.
He wanted me to be a doer.
He kept hammering me about service, service, service. He wanted 12 step calls. You’ve
got to get on the list.
Go to 12 step calls. He said, I want you to sign up and go to the new meeting in the
prison. I didn’t think I had enough.
(1:01:16 – 1:01:25)
I’m going to have to get some tattoos. I don’t know if I can do that. He said, I want you to
go back into the detox with us twice a week and take a meeting back in there.
(1:01:25 – 1:02:21)
He said, I want you to try to look for new people and help them. I want you to help, help,
help, help. It seemed like every time I’d see him, he’d talk to me about 12 step or
helping others.
Finally, after a couple days of this, it’s funny, when I was in the detox, I thought I was
willing to do just about anything, but now I’m starting to realize that this guy’s not that
bright. I’d had a lot of therapy. I said, I understand what you’re getting at about helping
others.
I didn’t say this, but I thought that A, he must have a membership problem or something.
I said, I know what you’re saying about helping others. In time, I could do that, but don’t
you think I should work on me for a while? He rears back and he goes, work on you?
You’ve done quite enough of that.
(1:02:22 – 1:02:45)
Stop it. I thought, wow, I have done quite a lot of that. By the time I got to Alcoholics
Anonymous, I’d primal screamed.
I’d been hypnotized. I’d gestalt therapy, transactional analysis, rational emotive therapy.
Even with Ellis, the founder, I did so much stuff.
(1:02:47 – 1:03:30)
And when he said, you’ve done quite enough of that, I thought, you know I have, haven’t
I? You kept injecting reality into me. See, I don’t live in reality. I live in this story of my
life.
You keep pointing out evidence in my life that has to do with reality. And so I started
doing this service and these 12-step calls and I started going back into the detox. I’ve
been doing an averaging probably at least two of those meetings a week for over 36 and
a half years.
(1:03:34 – 1:03:45)
You don’t understand. I don’t do it because I’m a good guy. I do it because if I don’t do it,
I get weird.
(1:03:51 – 1:04:54)
And I don’t suffer well. And I don’t suffer alone. So my home group is very delighted that
I do service.
My sponsees are very delighted that I’m a nicer guy. I’m a nicer guy because it relieves
me of the bondage of self and it gets me out of me and gets me into you. And that’s the
answer, isn’t it? I think most of us, we get sober, we think that the problem is out here
and the answer is in here.
That’s backwards. The problem is in here and the answer is out here in othercenteredness. I heard a new guy say it one time at a meeting.
It was so simple as all real spiritual truths are simplistic in nature. He said, I don’t know
why, but when I’m trying to do service and I’m thinking about you, I feel really good. And
when I’m thinking about me, I feel really bad.
(1:04:56 – 1:05:07)
That’s really the truth. So, I started this journey. I was just out of the detox, maybe not
even a week, I don’t think.
(1:05:07 – 1:05:43)
Pretty new. And I go to a meeting and there’s a guy, Joe, there. Joe was very
instrumental in my early sobriety.
Joe cornered me after the meeting and he said to me, he said, kid, you need to take step
three. And the steps are on the wall in the Hulano Club and I look at him and I said to
Joe, I can’t, Joe. He said, why not? I said, well, the truth is I don’t believe in God.
Joe said, you don’t have to believe in God to take step three. I said, Joe, for God’s sakes,
look at step two, came to believe. Step three, made a decision to turn my will and my life
over to the care of God as I understand it.
(1:05:44 – 1:07:31)
Understanding, believe, I don’t have any of that, Joe. And he said to me, I’ll tell you
again, kid, you do not have to believe in God to take step three. He said, I’ll tell you
what, I’ll promise you an instantaneous miracle if you’ll turn your will and your life over
to this chair.
And he points to a chair in the Hulano Club. I thought, oh, what the hell, okay. Alright,
Joe, I turn my will and my life over to the chair.
And Joe gets a big smile and he says, well, the miracle would be your life’s no longer in
the hands of an idiot. I didn’t get mad, I just thought, yeah, that’d be right. Well, for
God’s sakes, if you’d have followed me around and watched me the last couple years,
not just the stupid stuff I do drinking, I do really stupid stuff sober.
I know that to pick up a drink is to destroy myself and I make the choice to pick one up in
a state of abstinence. So I get it. And then I started through the journey of the steps
which is designed, I think, to one end and one end only and that’s to facilitate this
decision in step three, which really the point of it is let God have it, yeah, yeah, yeah, but
more importantly is to get it out of the hands of the idiot.
And if you’re new here, I hope you’re broken enough and discouraged enough and I hope
you’re out of options. I hope you get to the place my sponsor talks about where there’s
no friendly direction and join us. Let this be the last house on your block and I’ll tell you
something, it’s an unbelievable life.
Thank you for my life.