Charlie P. from Maysville, AR at Santa Barbara Convention 1998 – “His Story”

(0:03 – 0:11)
Bright light down here. Hi everybody, my name is Charlie Fireman. I’m a very grateful
recovering alcoholic sex maniac.
(0:17 – 0:41)
I haven’t found it necessary to indulge in either one today. Yet. We were on the way out
here the other day on the airplane and Barbara said, Charlie, when we get out there in
Santa Barbara this weekend, why don’t you talk more about spirituality and a little less
about sex.
(0:42 – 0:57)
And I said, Barbara, I don’t know anything that’s any more spiritual than sex. I spent the
first 50 years of my life praying I could do it twice. I spent the last 19 praying I could do it
once.
(0:57 – 1:18)
I just don’t know anything any more spiritual than that. I want to thank the committee for
asking us to be here. You’ve made us feel very welcome.
You made us feel good. We’ve enjoyed ourselves the time we’ve been here so far. I
thank the other speakers that have gone before us.
(1:19 – 1:32)
We’ve heard some good AA and some good Al-Anon information. Not only last night, but
throughout today. And I thank them for being willing to come here and being willing to
share with us.
(1:35 – 2:15)
I will go ahead and start like I should have in the first place and tell you my name is
Charlie Parment. I’m a very grateful recovering alcoholic. And because I’m a member of
the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and by the grace of the power that I found in the
12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I haven’t found necessary to take a drink for
10,545 days today, one day at a time.
And for this I’m very grateful. People that know me any more, they kind of refer to me as
an AA fundamentalist. And I’m not really sure what an AA fundamentalist is.
(2:16 – 2:42)
But if it’s to love the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, then I’m probably an AA
fundamentalist. If it’s to love the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous with all your heart, then
I’m probably an AA fundamentalist. If it’s to love the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous,
or your God as you understand him, with all your heart and all your soul, then I’m
probably an AA fundamentalist.
(2:43 – 2:59)
Because you see, it’s because of those three things that I’m here tonight. If it hadn’t
been for the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I never would have found the Big Book.
And if it hadn’t been for the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous, I certainly would not have
found that God in my understanding today.
(2:59 – 3:17)
I doubt very seriously if I would be able to be here tonight, if it hadn’t been for those
three things. So as I talk tonight, I’m not going to talk a whole lot about my drinking.
Most of the people in this room that are alcoholics, you already know about all you need
to know about drinking anyhow.
(3:19 – 3:52)
Those of you that have lived with we alcoholics, you know about all you need to know
about drinking too. So probably what I’d like to talk about most tonight is just a little bit
about my first drunk, a little bit about my last drunk, and very little about what went on
between, and then a little bit about what happened to me after I came to the Fellowship
of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because I think, of course, that really is the most important
part of the story that any of us have as to what happened to us after we got here.
(3:53 – 4:38)
Now I know like most young boys growing up, especially we alcoholics, I remember so
clearly when I was going to school along about 12, 14, 15 years old, I was one of these
kids that was always on the outside of the crowd looking in, always wanted to be a part
of and knew I could not be. I was always a little short fella, and back when I was 12, 14,
15 years old, I was a little bit on the chubby side, and it seemed as though I’ve always
worn these glasses. Now being a little short, fat fella and wearing these glasses, and
naturally you not only felt like you didn’t fit in, but you really didn’t fit in in too many
places.
(4:39 – 5:03)
And I know most of the guys that I used to run around with in school, they were all into
some form of athletics, and I always wanted to be a part of that crowd too. But I found
out that little short, fat boys that wear glasses don’t fit in in the athletic scene very well
either. I remember so clearly one time going to the football coach, and I asked him to let
me try out for the football team.
(5:04 – 5:31)
Now it seems as though he kind of smiled, and he looked at me and he said, son, I’m
sorry, but little short, fat boys that wear glasses don’t make very good football players.
Why don’t you try out for the basketball team? I remember going to the basketball
coach, and I asked him to let me try out for the basketball team. And it seemed like he
said the same thing, son, I’m sorry, but little short, fat boys that wear glasses don’t make
very good basketball players.
(5:31 – 6:05)
Why don’t you try out for the track team? Always on the outside of the crowd looking in,
always wanted to be a part of, always knew that I would not be able to. I also noticed
these guys I ran around with when I was about 14 years old, they were doing things with
girls that I wanted to do some of that too. And I would notice them in school, they’d be
walking down the hallway, and they’d have their arm around the girl, and she would
have her head on their shoulder, and looking up at them with those great eyes that you
girls have.
(6:05 – 6:38)
And once in a while, I would see them down around behind the stairwell, and he would
have her backed up in a corner, and he’d have his arms around her, and she’d have her
arms around him, and they would be kissing each other. Well, I wanted to do some of
that too, but I found out that little short, fat boys that wear glasses didn’t score with the
girls any better than they did with the athletic teams. And I remember so clearly one
night at age 14, I’d gone to a high school dance, and it was out in the country, and it was
in an old dairy barn.
(6:39 – 7:03)
They had converted the upstairs part where they used to store the hay into the dance
floor. The downstairs part where they had the stanchions where they used to milk the
cows, they’d put tables where you could sit down and visit and have Cokes and things
like that. And I was at this dance, and I was upstairs standing against the wall watching
all these kids dance, and there was a little girl out there named Betty.
(7:03 – 7:30)
And I’d been wanting to do something with Betty for a long time, but I’d always been
afraid to say anything to her because I knew she would say no and wouldn’t have
anything to do with me, and other kids would hear her say that, and I would be
embarrassed, so I simply was afraid to try. But I remember that night standing against
the wall and saying to myself, as soon as this music stops, I’m going to ask Betty to
dance with me. And the music stopped, and I began to walk toward Betty.
(7:31 – 7:58)
And as I started toward her, my mind said, well, what are you going to do if she says no?
All these other kids are here, and they’re going to laugh, and you’re going to be
embarrassed. And my footsteps got a little bit slower, and then my mind said, well, what
are you going to do if she says yes? And you’re going to step on her toes, and you’re
going to stumble, and you’re going to fall, and you’re going to fool yourself, and you’re
going to be embarrassed. My footsteps got slower and slower, and before I could get to
Betty, the music started.
(7:58 – 8:26)
Some other guy grabbed her, and they started dancing. And I went back against the
wall, and I said to myself, as soon as this music stops, I’m going to ask Betty to dance
with me. Now, a tall, slender fellow that I knew came siding up to me, and he said,
Charlie, how would you like to go outside with me and have a drink of moonshine? Well, I
didn’t know what moonshine was, but I was afraid to tell him no because the other kids
had heard him ask me, and I knew they would laugh and I’d be embarrassed if I didn’t.
(8:26 – 8:38)
So I said, okay, I guess that’ll be all right. So we go downstairs, and we go to his car. He
opens up the trunk, and he reaches in, and he got out a quart jar of moonshine.
(8:39 – 8:57)
Now, those of you that have been moonshine drinkers in the past, you’ll know what I’m
talking about. When he took the lid off of it, the blue smoke curled up out of it, and he
took a drink of it, and he handed it to me. And I took a drink of that moonshine, and as
soon as I did, great things begin to happen.
(8:59 – 9:08)
The first thing that happened is, is that moonshine crossed my lips. My lips begin to
tingle a little bit. Struck my teeth, and they kind of vibrated up and down.
(9:09 – 9:23)
Hit my cheeks, and they begin to flutter in and out. And I could feel it beginning to pass
through my sinus cavities into my forehead, and I began to get a feeling in my forehead,
which is indescribably wonderful. Now, I haven’t swallowed the damn stuff yet.
(9:23 – 9:38)
I’ve just got it in my mouth. When I swallowed that moonshine, as it went down through
my esophagus, of course, you know, it burnt like liquid fire. Almost choked to death,
could hardly get my breath.
(9:39 – 9:53)
But at the same time, I felt my chest begin to grow and expand, and get bigger and
bigger. It hit my stomach, and just literally exploded like a bomb. Almost immediately, I
could feel it racing through my arms, and they begin to get longer and longer.
(9:54 – 10:03)
Hits my hands and fingers, and they begin to tingle and vibrate. At the same time it’s
racing through my arms, it’s racing through my legs. They’re getting longer and longer.
(10:03 – 10:35)
I’m getting taller and taller, and it hit my feet and toes, and I got a hot, intense, burning,
exciting, get up and go somewhere and do something feeling. And this guy looked at me,
and he said, would you like to have another drink? Well, from the tremendous height
that I’d already grown to, I looked down on his head, and I said, yeah, I believe I’ll have
another one of those. And I took a second drink of that moonshine, and as we started
back up the stairs to where the other kids were dancing, I knew a new freedom and a
new happiness.
(10:37 – 10:49)
I did not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. I comprehended the word
serenity, and I knew peace. Fear of people and economic insecurity began to lead me.
(10:50 – 11:08)
I intuitively knew how to handle situations which used to baffle me. I suddenly realized
that alcohol was doing for me what I could not do for myself. I stood against the wall,
and the kids were dancing, and I said to myself, as soon as this music stops, I’m going to
ask Betty to dance with me.
(11:09 – 11:40)
And the music stopped, and I began to walk toward Betty, and this time my mind didn’t
say, well, what are you going to do if she says no? Because I knew beyond any shadow
of a doubt that Betty was going to say yes. My mind didn’t say, well, what are you going
to do if she says yes? And you stumble and fall and make a fool of yourself because I
knew that I’d be able to dance with Betty, and there’d be no problem at all. So I walked
right up to Betty, and I said, Betty, how would you like to dance with me? And she looked
at me rather funny, and she said, well, yeah, Charlie, I guess that’s okay.
(11:41 – 11:57)
And the music started, and Betty and I began to dance. And sure enough, I didn’t step on
her toes, and I didn’t stumble and fall, and I didn’t make a fool of myself. And as the
music ended, I said to Betty, how would you like to dance with me again? She said, well,
yeah, Charlie, that would be all right.
(11:58 – 12:02)
She says, you’re a pretty good dancer. She said, I didn’t know you could dance. And I
said, I didn’t either.
(12:03 – 12:14)
But let’s do it again. Now, to the best of my knowledge, nobody else danced with Betty
the rest of the evening. And to the best of my recollection, she and I danced every tune.
(12:15 – 12:27)
And as the dance began to draw to a close, I found myself saying something I’ve never
been able to say before. I said, Betty, could I take you home from the dance? And she
said, well, yeah, that would be okay. Yeah, that’d be fine.
(12:28 – 12:45)
Now, I didn’t have a car to take Betty home in, but I knew a guy that had one. And he
happened to be a tall, slender fellow that had a quart of moonshine in the trunk of his
car. So I went to him and I said, I’ve asked Betty to take her home to the dance, and
she’s agreed.
(12:45 – 13:08)
How about she and I riding with you and your girlfriend? He said, well, fine, yeah, come
on, let’s go. So we all go downstairs, and we get the quart of moonshine out of the trunk,
and we put it in the back seat of the car in the floorboard, and we begin tooling it down
the road, he and his girlfriend in the front seat, Betty and I in the back. And as we’re
riding down the road, I begin to think.
(13:09 – 13:22)
Now, it’s bad for alcoholics to begin to think, but I begin to think, I thought, you know,
I’ve asked this girl to dance with me. And she didn’t say no, she said, okay. I’ve danced
with her, and I didn’t make a fool of myself.
(13:23 – 13:56)
I’m taking her home from the dance, and we’re sitting in the back seat of this car
together. I thought, I wonder what she would do if I would take my arm and put it around
her shoulder and pull her over against me. Would she lay her head on my shoulder like
those girls do with those guys in school? And we rode along a little while, and I thought
about that some more, and I reached over, and I put my arm around Betty, and I pulled
her over against me, and sure enough, she laid her head on my shoulder, and she looked
up at me with those great eyes like you girls have, and I thought, Charlie, you really
have been missing out on some of the better things of life.
(13:58 – 14:16)
And as we rode along with her head on my shoulder, I began to think again. I thought,
now, I’ve asked this girl to dance with me, and she didn’t say no, and I didn’t make a fool
of myself, and I’m taking her home from the dance, and I’ve got her in the back seat of
this car, and her head’s on my shoulder. I thought, I wonder what she would do if I would
lean over and kiss her.
(14:17 – 14:55)
Now, I’d never kissed a girl before, and I really didn’t know how to do it, but I’d watched
them do it in the movies, and I knew that in the movies, if you kissed one of them, what
you needed to do was get their face in just the right position, and then you lean down,
and you put your lips against theirs. Well, as we rode along, and I thought about it a
while, I decided to try that, and I reached over with my right hand, and I got Betty by the
chin, and I got her face in what I thought was the right position, and I leaned down to put
my lips against hers, and closed my eyes as they do in the movies, and I don’t really
know what I expected. I thought she might slap my face.
(14:56 – 15:20)
I thought she might get upset about it, but you know, a strange thing happened. As I put
my lips against Betty’s, I began to feel her little lips begin to move a little bit, and my
little lips began to move a bit, and it began to be a feeling passing back and forth
between us, which was one of those indescribably wonderful feelings. Now, as we rode
along a little further, I began to think again.
(15:23 – 15:40)
I thought, I’ve asked this girl to dance with me, and she said okay, and I didn’t make a
fool of myself. I’m taking her home for the dance. I got her in the back seat of this car,
and her head’s on my shoulder, and I’ve kissed her, and she didn’t slap my face, and I
thought, I wonder what she would do if I reached over there and got a hold of one of
those things.
(15:43 – 16:11)
Well, I’ve never had a hold of one of those things before. And I really didn’t know how to
go about doing it, but I assumed if you’re going to get a hold of one of them, you need to
be kissing them at the same time. So once again, I reached over, and I got Betty by the
chin and got her face in the right position, leaned down to put my lips against hers, only
this time I didn’t close my eyes because I wanted to see what my right hand was getting
ready to do.
(16:13 – 16:36)
And as I kissed Betty, sure enough, I reached over, and I got a hold of one of those
things. Now, let me tell you something. If you’re a little short, fat boy that wears glasses,
and you’re 14 years old, and you’ve been thinking about getting a hold of one of those
things for a long time, and you get one of them in your hand for the first time, that really
is a feeling that is indescribably wonderful.
(16:37 – 16:52)
You know, it felt as if liquid fire had entered the palm of my hand. Sometimes when I
think about it today, my old right hand just starts shaking up and down, you know. I’d
never felt anything like it before, and I’m not so damn sure I’ve ever felt anything like it
since.
(16:53 – 17:18)
That was probably my first spiritual experience that night in the backseat of a 36
Chevrolet. Now, I’m not going to talk anymore about Betty. You know, people say, well,
Charlie, why don’t you finish that story? And I used to say, well, the reason I don’t finish
that story is I don’t believe in talking about those things from behind the podium.
(17:18 – 17:54)
But the truth is, the reason I don’t finish that story is I don’t really remember that story.
Because, you see, something else happened to me that night, too. As I was there at the
backseat of that 36 Chevrolet doing those things with Betty that was so, so important for
this 14-year-old boy to be doing, so exciting, it seems as though something within every
fiber of my being from time to time would say, why don’t you stop what you’re doing
with Betty and reach over there and get a drink out of that jar of moonshine? And I’d
stop what I was doing with Betty and I’d take the lid off that jar of moonshine.
(17:54 – 18:12)
I’d take another drink of it, put the lid on, set it down, and then go back to what I was
doing with Betty. And from time to time, I would have to stop what I was doing with
Betty, have a drink of moonshine, and somewhere, somehow that night, I simply passed
out of the picture. You see, I don’t really remember the rest of that story.
(18:13 – 18:29)
I don’t remember what happened with Betty the rest of that night. And I think I
evidenced that night the first thing that you have to have in order to be a practicing
alcoholic, the physical allergy to alcohol. I took that first drink and it triggered that thing
within me.
(18:30 – 19:00)
I was unable to stop drinking and the first time I ever drank, I drank until I passed
completely out of the picture. Now, I woke up the next morning at home in my bed didn’t
know how I got there, didn’t know how I got home, terribly sick and terribly hungover,
and my mind began to think about the night before. But as my mind began to think
about the night before, it didn’t think about the fact that I had blacked out and didn’t
know how I got home.
(19:01 – 19:22)
It didn’t think about the fact that I didn’t know how I got in bed. It didn’t think about the
terrible hangover. It thought about one thing and one thing only, that great sense of
ease and comfort, that great exciting in-control feeling that I got when I took that first
drink of moonshine the night before.
(19:23 – 19:42)
I think the next morning I evidenced the second thing you have to have to be a
practicing alcoholic, the complete inability to see the truth about alcohol. I could not see
what alcohol had done to me the night before. I could only see what alcohol had done for
me the night before.
(19:43 – 20:05)
You know, if we alcoholics, if way back in the very beginning, if we’d been able to see the
truth about alcohol and see what it does to us, we probably would have been able to do
something about our drinking, but we can’t do that. Dr. Silkworth tells us in the big book,
Alcoholics Anonymous, we really cannot differentiate the true from the false. To us, what
we’re doing is absolutely normal.
(20:06 – 20:24)
Now, other people around me could immediately differentiate the true from the false
about my drinking. Other people around me could immediately see the truth about it. My
mother said to me when I was 15 years old, she said, son, I need to talk to you about
your drinking.
(20:25 – 20:48)
She said, don’t you know that you have an uncle in the state of California who’s in the
state insane asylum, and the reason he’s there is because he’s become a wet brain from
drinking alcohol. And she said, I saw him when he first started drinking. And she said,
what I need to say to you is you drank just exactly like he did when he first started
drinking.
(20:48 – 21:06)
And she said, if you continue to drink as you’re drinking now, then sooner or later you’re
going to end up just as your uncle somewhere in a state insane asylum as a wet brain.
Now, my mother could differentiate the true from the false about my drinking
immediately. But I said to my mother, I said, mother, you don’t understand.
(21:07 – 21:17)
I said, I’m not going to be like my uncle. If alcohol ever gets to be a serious problem in
my life, I’ll stop drinking. You’ll never have to worry about that.
(21:17 – 21:28)
The complete inability to see the truth about my alcoholism. Now, then I’m 16 years old.
And my dad said to me one day, he said, son, I need to talk to you about your drinking.
(21:29 – 21:50)
He said, every member of the Parmley family that’s ever tried to drink has always ended
up in serious trouble with it. And he said, the only ones of us that have ever been able to
escape from it are those that were able to stop drinking immediately when we were
young. And he said, every one of us that’s ever tried to continue drinking, we’ve
destroyed our lives.
(21:50 – 22:04)
And he said, what I need to say to you is that if you continue to drink the way you do,
you’re going to destroy your life also. My dad could differentiate the true from the false
about my drinking from the very beginning. But I said to my dad, you don’t understand
me.
(22:05 – 22:15)
I said, I’m only half Parmley. And I’ll never be like you other Parmleys. If alcohol ever
gets to be a serious problem in my life, I’ll stop drinking.
(22:15 – 22:23)
You’ll never have to worry about that. The complete inability to differentiate the true
from the false. Now, then I’m 17 years old.
(22:24 – 22:37)
And I wake up one day in an army hospital in Bremerhaven, Germany. And there’s a
doctor standing at the side of my bed when I wake up. And he said, son, I need to talk to
you about your drinking.
(22:39 – 22:55)
He said, I don’t know whether you know it or not, but you’ve already died twice in the
last three days. And he said, if you continue to drink alcohol the way you’re doing, you’ll
never live to be age 30 years old. And I said, doctor, you don’t understand.
(22:57 – 23:06)
If alcohol ever gets to be a serious problem in my life, I’ll stop drinking. You’ll never have
to worry about that. The complete inability to see the truth about alcohol.
(23:07 – 23:19)
I’m 21 years old. And a beautiful young lady I had married said to me one day, she said,
Charlie, I love you deeply. She said, you’re a fine, fine husband, and I think you’re gonna
be a good father.
(23:20 – 23:28)
But she said, I need to talk to you about your drinking. She said, I don’t know where
you’re going. I don’t know what you’re doing, but you’re going out and you’re laying out
at night.
(23:29 – 23:41)
You’re coming in about two-thirds drunk. And she said, what I need to do is tell you that
if you continue to drink the way you drink, that sooner or later I’m gonna have to divorce
you. She said, I can’t live under these conditions.
(23:43 – 23:54)
And I said, oh, sweetheart, you’ll never have to worry about that. If alcohol ever begins
to interfere with our marriage, I’ll stop drinking. You’ll never have to worry about it.
(23:55 – 24:10)
I’m age 31 or 32 years old. My boss called me in one day and he said, Charlie, you’re one
of the finest employees we’ve got. And he said, I don’t know whether you realize it or
not, but you’re slated to take my job when I retire a couple years from now.
(24:11 – 24:23)
But he said, I need to talk to you about your drinking. He said, you’re going out at night
and I don’t know where you’re going, don’t know what you’re doing, really don’t care. But
he said, you’re coming in in the mornings and you’re smelling like booze.
(24:24 – 24:37)
You’re hungover and you’re about half drunk part of the time. And he said, what I need
to tell you is, if you continue to drink the way you’re drinking, sooner or later, we’re
going to have to get rid of you. And I said, oh boss, don’t you worry about that.
(24:38 – 24:47)
If alcohol ever interferes with my job, I’ll stop drinking. You will never have to worry
about that. The complete inability to differentiate the truth about alcohol.
(24:47 – 25:11)
I think that’s the one major thing that every alcoholic has in order to be a good, solid,
practicing alcoholic. Because if we could see what alcohol really does to us, if we could
really see the jail houses, the divorce courts, the hospitals and the car wrecks, then
surely, surely, we would have the ability to stop drinking. But you see, we can’t see that.
(25:11 – 25:22)
We have a thing called an obsession of the mind that always leads us to thinking it
wasn’t that bad. This time it’s going to be different. This time we’ll just have one drink
and everything’s going to be okay.
(25:23 – 25:52)
And continually we go back to it over and over and over and over and over again. 24
years after I took that first drink of moonshine, I came to the Fellowship of Alcoholics
Anonymous. Now those of you that heard Barbara speak today, you know that after that
first wife had divorced me and after I’d lost that great job and et cetera, et cetera, I
eventually ended up meeting Barbara.
(25:53 – 26:03)
And Barbara and I got married. We fell in love almost immediately. And she had three
beautiful children I loved and then we had a little daughter of our own within a year after
we got married.
(26:04 – 26:24)
But Barbara had begun to talk to me about my drinking too. She began to say such
things as, Charlie, you’re drinking too much and you’re creating problems here at home
and you’re laying out at night and I don’t know where you’re going, I don’t know what
you’re doing. And she began to say such things, if you continue to drink the way you do,
that sooner or later we’ll have to do something about our marriage.
(26:25 – 26:35)
And sure enough, after a few years of drinking, Barbara got enough of it. And she went
to an attorney and she filed for divorce. The attorney came out and he presented the
papers.
(26:35 – 26:48)
He sent somebody out, they presented the papers to me. And Barbara did like all of
them do. The attorney told her, said before they deliver the papers on him, go to the
bank and get all the money out of it because otherwise he’ll get it.
(26:49 – 27:02)
And I ended up with the divorce papers in hand. Barbara had all the money, no place to
go, nothing else to do. So I did what any good red-blooded alcoholic does.
(27:02 – 27:13)
I went to Barbara and I said, Barbara, you really don’t understand what you’re doing. You
know, if you get rid of me, he’s going to take care of you and these kids and et cetera.
And I said, I’ll tell you what I’ll do.
(27:14 – 27:26)
If you’ll drop the divorce proceedings and if you’ll put the money back in the bank, then
I’ll stop drinking. And basically that’s all Barbara wanted to hear. And I really did intend
to stop drinking.
(27:27 – 27:50)
Now you people who are non-alcoholic, you probably could never understand this, but
when we say that we’re going to quit drinking, that is absolutely what we intend to do.
And we take our willpower, which is the greatest tool we have, and we say, sick them,
Will, we’re through with that drinking. Now people try to tell we alcoholics that we are
weak-willed people.
(27:50 – 27:58)
Don’t you believe that? We’re not weak-willed people. We are strong-willed people.
Weak-willed people do not become alcoholic.
(27:59 – 28:07)
The third time they vomit, they quit drinking. Alcoholic knows there’s got to be a way to
drink without puking. We damn near kill ourselves trying to find that.
(28:09 – 28:20)
And I exerted my willpower to it and I said, I’m going to quit drinking. Now as time went
by, everybody was happy about my not drinking. Barbara was happy about my not
drinking.
(28:20 – 28:32)
The kids were happy about my not drinking. The neighbors were happy about my not
drinking. But I wasn’t happy about my not drinking because you see, I had removed from
me the only thing that had ever made me feel good.
(28:33 – 28:42)
And I wanted to feel better. And the only way I knew to feel better would be to take a
drink of whiskey, which I did. And of course, when I did, I triggered the allergy and I
couldn’t stop drinking.
(28:43 – 28:52)
Barbara had learned what works. After a short period of my drinking this time, she filed
for divorce again. Went to the bank, got all the money out of the bank.
(28:52 – 29:00)
They delivered the papers on me and I did the only thing any good self-respecting
alcoholic can do. I sneaked in the house. I took a shower.
(29:00 – 29:05)
I cleaned up. I put some Sweet Spellum on. And I began to talk to Barbara about
dropping the divorce.
(29:06 – 29:19)
Now I don’t know what it is that I’ve got, but apparently she was willing to go to any
lengths to get it because she put the money back in the bank and she dropped the
divorce. And sure enough, I quit drinking. And everybody was happy about that except
me.
(29:20 – 29:29)
After a period of time wanting to feel better, knowing only one way to feel better, I took a
drink. I triggered the allergy. And sure enough, Barbara filed for divorce again.
(29:30 – 29:45)
But this time when she filed for divorce the third time, she had also heard about Al-Anon
and AA. And she had talked to some people in Al-Anon and she had agreed to go to an
Al-Anon meeting. Now they had delivered the papers on me.
(29:45 – 29:57)
They had put me out of the house. And Barbara went to an Al-Anon meeting in a town
called Siloam Springs, Arkansas. And the day after she went to that Al-Anon meeting, she
called me.
(29:58 – 30:04)
And she said, Charlie, I’ve been to a meeting of Al-Anon. And she said, I’ve learned that
you’re not a bad person. You’re a sick person.
(30:05 – 30:18)
I’ve learned about what alcoholism is. And she said, I believe if you would like to come
home that we could probably work this thing out. Now I’ve always given Al-Anon credit
for that.
(30:19 – 30:38)
But also this time just before I took the first drink on this third divorce, I went to the bank
and I got all the money out of it. And I think that had something to do with it too. I
moved back into the house and Barbara continued to go to Al-Anon meetings and I
continued to drink.
(30:39 – 31:02)
But this time it was different. This time, instead of her trying to stop me from drinking,
this time, rather than raise hell with me every time she turned around about my
drinking, she just more or less ignored my drinking. And as the time went by and she
went to Al-Anon and the drinking got worse and worse, I began to have to start looking
at me.
(31:02 – 31:37)
Because you see, always before, when I really needed to get on a good drunk, I could
pick a fight with Barbara, raise all kind of hell with her, then go out and get drunk and
say, anybody that has to live with a woman like that deserves a good drunk. But now
then she wouldn’t fight with me any longer. So I began to have to look at me and begin
to try to determine, well, if she isn’t the problem, then what is it? One day she said to
me, she said, Charlie, I’ve got a sponsor in Al-Anon named Wanda and her husband is AA
and he’s a fellow named Floyd.
(31:37 – 32:01)
She said, I think you know him. She said, would you be willing to talk to Floyd if he came
over here to the house about AA? Now, I didn’t particularly want to talk to Floyd, didn’t
particularly want to talk about AA, knew I was not an alcoholic, but Barbara had been
treating me a little better and things were getting along fairly good at home. So to keep
peace in the family, I agreed to do that.
(32:03 – 32:21)
Barbara, or Floyd and Wanda came to our house one afternoon. Wanda and Barbara got
in the car and they left. Floyd sat down in my kitchen and he began to do something for
me that nobody else had ever been able to do.
(32:23 – 32:33)
I assumed he was going to talk to me about my drinking. Everybody else had. Barbara
had, the banker had, the sheriff had, the neighbors had, everybody else had.
(32:34 – 32:54)
But Floyd didn’t want to talk about my drinking. He said, Charlie, let me tell you about
my drinking, referring to his own. And he began to talk about the many, many times that
he was going to stop by the bar on the way home from work and he was going to have
just one or two drinks and he would go home and have dinner with his family.
(32:55 – 33:10)
And he said, I’d take a couple of drinks. And he said, then something would happen to
me and I would be unable to stop drinking. And rather than go home and have dinner
with my family, I would have to stay there and drink and drink and drink.
(33:10 – 33:27)
And he said, maybe I wouldn’t get home till midnight that night or the next night or the
next week. And I said, my God, Floyd, that’s what’s been happening to me. He said, well,
they told me in AA that this is a physical allergy to alcohol.
(33:28 – 33:51)
And he said, they told me when we put any alcohol, whatever into our system, it creates
an actual physical craving that demands more of the same. And he said, that physical
craving is so strong, we simply could not start drinking after we once started. And he
continued to talk about the many, many times that he had sworn off drinking.
(33:52 – 34:05)
And he said, now, Charlie, I’ve got a tremendous amount of willpower. I’ve always been
able to do anything I wanted to do based on willpower. And he said, I would swear off
drinking and swear I’d never take another drink as long as I live.
(34:06 – 34:32)
And he said, an hour later or a day later or a week later, I would find myself in the bar
wondering, how in the hell did I get here this time? I said, Floyd, that’s what’s been
happening to me. He said, these same people in AA told me that this is an obsession of
the mind and that people who are alcoholic cannot see the truth about alcohol. And he
said, it doesn’t make any difference how badly we want to stop drinking.
(34:33 – 34:52)
It doesn’t make any difference how hard we apply our willpower. From time to time, our
mind will begin to think about the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by
taking two drinks. It’ll begin to think about that great, exciting, in-control feeling that we
get whenever we drink.
(34:52 – 35:09)
And he said, as we begin to think about that, our mind begins to push out the ideas
about the jailhouses, the divorce courts, the car wrecks. And he said, after a while, we
really believe it’s OK to drink. And we’ll take a drink knowing it’s going to be OK.
(35:09 – 35:20)
And then the drink will trigger the allergy. And then we can’t stop and we end up drunk
over time. He said, Charlie, people like us, we can no longer safely drink because of the
physical allergy.
(35:21 – 35:39)
And we can’t keep from drinking because of the mind. And he said, if you can’t safely
drink and you can’t keep from drinking, then you’re absolutely powerless over alcohol.
He said, would you be willing to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous with me? And I
said, yeah, I believe I will.
(35:40 – 35:57)
He gave me just enough that night to get me interested in this thing called alcoholism.
Just enough to get me interested in this thing called AA. And Floyd picked me up and he
took me at a meeting in this same place that Barbara had been going, this place in
Siloam Springs, Arkansas.
(35:59 – 36:18)
And they got a group there that as I started in the door, they had a little plaque by the
side of the door that said border line group. I didn’t say AA, just said border line group.
And as I started through the door and I saw that sign and I said, well, this must be a
special place for people like me.
(36:19 – 36:44)
I’m really not alcoholic, but I might be a border line case. We don’t have much ego when
we get here, do we? I was in AA about two years before I figured out the reason they
called it the borderline group is because it’s on the borderline between Oklahoma and
Arkansas, is why they called it the borderline group. But I knew it was a special group for
people just like me.
(36:45 – 37:08)
And I walked in the door of Alcoholics Anonymous at that meeting and I don’t really know
what I expected to see there when I went in. I thought it would be a bunch of older men,
all beat up and broken down, probably the clothing not too good. I assumed they would
all need a shave too.
(37:09 – 37:31)
And they would be sitting around the table bemoaning the fact that they would never be
able to take another drink of alcohol as long as they lived. I knew if there was any
women there that they would be in worse shape than the men were. And I walked in that
room and there was a room full of about 20 people in there and they absolutely amazed
me.
(37:31 – 37:39)
The men were all dressed up, clean clothes. Those that shaved were clean shaven.
Those that had beards were trimmed.
(37:39 – 37:43)
The women looked good. They were dressed up good. They had on their makeup.
(37:43 – 37:53)
They had their hairdos. And they all looked great. But what really, really impressed me,
in that room full of about 20 people, every one of them came to me.
(37:54 – 38:13)
And every one of them stuck their hand out and shook my hand and said, we’re glad to
have you here. That had been a long time since anybody had been glad to have me
anywhere. And almost immediately I felt a feeling between those people and myself that
this might be the place that I belong.
(38:14 – 38:24)
And I remember one of them, he said, Charlie, we’re sure glad to have you here. He said,
have you been having a little trouble with alcohol? And I said, well, yeah, I have. And I
guess the reason I’m here is to find out what to do about it.
(38:24 – 38:37)
And they proceeded to tell me. One of them said, we believe that you need to go to four,
five, six meetings a week. They said, for a new person, it’s almost imperative you do that
and you stay with people of your kind.
(38:37 – 38:56)
Said, it’s not a bad idea for older members, but it’s very, very important for new
members to do that. Another one of them reached over and he got the big book,
Alcoholics Anonymous. And he handed it to me and he said, Charlie, this is a story of
how the first 100 men and women in Alcoholics Anonymous recovered from alcoholism.
(38:57 – 39:10)
And he said, if you’ll take this book and read it and study it and do what it says, you’ll not
have to drink anymore if you don’t want to. There was an older fellow there. You see him
at every AA meeting.
(39:11 – 39:35)
I call him the bald-headed poot. He looked at me and he smiled and he said, son, I
remember in those days, I’m still back in my 30s, a lot younger than I am now. He said,
son, if you really want to stay sober, sooner or later, you’re going to have to make a
decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand him, or
you’ll never be able to stay sober without it.
(39:36 – 39:49)
And I looked at these beautiful people and I said to them, you know, I like you people.
You’ve made me feel welcome and nobody has in a long time. You make a reasonably
good cup of coffee.
(39:51 – 40:02)
I feel comfortable here among you. But what I need to tell you is that those things you’re
telling me to do, I can’t do them. I said, I’ve got a little farm up here.
(40:03 – 40:17)
And on that farm, I raised 45,000 broiler chickens. And another little farm over here, I’ve
got a 100 head cow operation. And on this farm over here, I’ve got a 30 hog sow
operation.
(40:18 – 40:33)
And in this place over here, I’ve got a 500 hog feeder operation. And I said, I’ve got a
redheaded wife and four kids and two bird dogs. And if you’re going to take care of all
that kind of stuff, you’ve got to stay home at night and get your rest.
(40:34 – 40:47)
There’s no way I can go to four or five or six AA meetings a week. I opened the big book,
Alcoholics Anonymous. One of them had said, open it up to chapter five, how it works.
(40:49 – 40:59)
I opened it up to chapter five and I read how it works. And I damn near vomited. Step
one said, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol.
(40:59 – 41:08)
Our lives had become unmanageable. I said, I’m not powerless over anything. Step two
said, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
(41:08 – 41:15)
And I said, man, don’t tell me I’m crazy. Oh yeah, I do stupid things when I’m drinking.
But when I’m sober, I’m much like normal people.
(41:16 – 41:32)
Step three said, made a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as
you understand it. Now, if you’re not powerless and you’re not nuts, there’s no way you
can make the decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you
understand Him. And I said, I can’t do those things.
(41:32 – 41:44)
And I closed your book. I looked at the old bald-headed poot and I said, don’t tell me
about God. I said, I already know about God.
(41:45 – 42:00)
I said, I learned about God in a good old Southern Baptist church. Now, I’m sure in that
good old Southern Baptist church, from time to time, they must have talked about a kind
and a loving God. But if they did, that message never got to the pew I sat in.
(42:01 – 42:18)
Because all I could remember hearing about God in church was hell-firing brimstone,
going to hell for lying and cheating and stealing and drinking whiskey and committing
adultery. By the time I got to AA, I’d been doing that for about 26 years. And I said, don’t
tell me about God.
(42:19 – 42:27)
I want nothing to do with that period. But I said, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I said,
I’m going to come to your meetings every Friday night.
(42:28 – 42:36)
And I’m going to work this program the way I want to. And I’m going to stay sober. And if
you don’t believe me, you watch me.
(42:36 – 42:50)
I’m getting ready to do that. Now, this is why I love the Fellowship of Alcoholics
Anonymous so great today. Any other fellowship in the world would have taken an
arrogant little SOB like me, picked him up by the seat of the britches and thrown him out
the door.
(42:51 – 43:02)
All they did was rear back and smile and said, keep coming back. Yeah, I kept coming
back. And I went every Friday night, didn’t miss a meeting.
(43:02 – 43:13)
And as time went by, I began to feel worse and worse and worse and worse. I couldn’t
get along with Barbara. I couldn’t get along with the kids.
(43:14 – 43:22)
Couldn’t get along with the bird dogs. Couldn’t get along with anybody or anything. And
as time went by, I got sicker and sicker and sicker.
(43:23 – 43:35)
And finally, after about 90 days, I’d been hearing these people talk about having a slip.
And I decided it’s time for me to have one. And I took a drink of whiskey and I triggered
the allergy.
(43:36 – 43:46)
And I couldn’t stop drinking. Now, in those days when I drank, I would have to drink until
I just got so sick, I couldn’t drink anymore. And when I would get so sick, I couldn’t drink
anymore.
(43:46 – 43:54)
I would go to the liquor store and get my daily ration of whiskey or vodka. By this time, it
had gone to vodka. And I’d get some beer.
(43:55 – 44:08)
And I would go home and I would slowly, slowly taper off of the vodka and get on to the
beer. That would take about 10 days to do that. And then I would slowly, slowly taper off
of the beer, which took about another 10 days to do that.
(44:08 – 44:21)
And I came off of that drunk and I did the only thing I’ve ever done right. I went right
back to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I walked in the door of the meeting in
Siloam Springs at the Borderline Group.
(44:21 – 44:36)
And as I walked in there on Friday night there, they all stood with their hands sticking
out. And they said, hello, Charlie, how are you? They said, man, we’re glad to see you
back. Have you been having a little trouble with alcohol? And I said, well, yeah, I have.
(44:37 – 44:45)
And I guess the reason I’m here is to find out what to do about it. And they proceeded to
tell me. One of them said, we believe you need to go to four or five or six AA meetings a
week.
(44:47 – 45:05)
Another one said, take this book and do what it says and you’ll be okay. And the old
bald-headed poodle, he smiled again. And he said, son, sooner or later, if you want to
stay sober, you’re going to have to do something about turning your well in your life over
to the care of God as you understand him, or you’ll never stay sober without it.
(45:05 – 45:16)
And I looked at these beautiful people and I said, you don’t understand me. I absolutely
cannot do those things. There’s no way can I go to four or five or six AA meetings a
week.
(45:17 – 45:24)
There’s no way I can work the steps in this book called Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said,
don’t even talk to me about God. I don’t want to hear about him at all, period.
(45:24 – 45:29)
I know who he is. I know what he is. And I know he’ll have nothing to do with a guy like
me.
(45:30 – 45:37)
I said, tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to come to your meetings every Friday
night. And I’m going to work this program the way I want to.
(45:37 – 45:42)
And I’m going to stay sober. And if you don’t believe me, you watch me. I’m getting
ready to do it.
(45:42 – 45:47)
And they all reared back and smiled and said, keep coming back. And I did. I went every
Friday night.
(45:48 – 45:55)
Didn’t miss a Friday night, period. As time went by, I got sicker and sicker and sicker and
sicker. I went by the 90 days.
(45:56 – 46:07)
I had enough willpower to do the 90 days this time. And about at the end of six months, I
said, this is all life’s about. That it’s not worth living.
(46:07 – 46:13)
And I took a drink. And I triggered the allergy. And I couldn’t stop drinking.
(46:14 – 46:24)
Now, some four, five, six, eight, ten weeks later, I got so sick, I couldn’t drink anymore. I
went to the liquor store and I got my beer to go. It took me about 10 days to get off the
vodka and another 10 to get off the beer.
(46:25 – 46:31)
And I did the only thing I’ve ever done right. I went right back to the Fellowship of
Alcoholics Anonymous. I walked in the door on Friday night.
(46:31 – 46:37)
And there they all stood. And they had their hands sticking out. And they were all
smiling.
(46:37 – 46:47)
They said, hello, Charlie, how are you? They said, man, we’re glad to see you back. Have
you been having a little trouble with alcohol? And I said, well, yeah, I have. And I guess
I’m here to find out what to do about it.
(46:47 – 46:57)
And they proceeded to tell me. And one of them said, by God, you need to go to four or
five or six A meetings a week. Another one said, take this damn book and do what it says
and you’ll be OK.
(46:59 – 47:13)
The old bald-headed pootie said, boy, I’m getting tired of telling you this. But he said, if
you really want to stay sober, sooner or later, you’re going to have to do something
about God. And again, I said to these wonderful people, I can’t do those things.
(47:14 – 47:29)
And as I look back now, I know today why I couldn’t do those things. You see, I had never
been defeated. You can’t be powerless over alcohol if you’re able to stop drinking on
your own.
(47:30 – 47:41)
And the fact that I could stop drinking on my own was enough to convince me that I’m
different to these other people, because they talked about the fact they couldn’t stop
drinking on their own. They had to go to hospitals. They had to go to places to get help.
(47:41 – 47:55)
No, I did it on my own. Now, if you haven’t been defeated, then there’s no way that you
can do anything about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I said to these great
people, I’m going to work this thing the way I want to.
(47:56 – 48:03)
I’m going to come to meetings every Friday night, and I’m going to stay sober. And if you
don’t believe me, you watch me. I’m getting ready to do it.
(48:03 – 48:08)
And they all reared back and smiled and said, keep coming back. And I did. I went by the
90 days.
(48:09 – 48:20)
I went by the six months. I’m beginning now to approach nine months of sobriety in AA.
And life has become an absolute living hell.
(48:21 – 48:34)
Because you see, the only thing that had ever worked for me, the only thing that would
ever do for me what I couldn’t do for myself was that drink of alcohol. And it’s the only
thing that ever made me fit. It’s the only thing that ever made me feel good.
(48:34 – 48:48)
It’s the only thing that ever made me enough. And I had removed it from my life, and I
had replaced it with nothing else. And about nine months period, I said to myself, life’s
not worth living this way.
(48:49 – 49:09)
You’re either going to have to do the program the way they’re telling you to do it, or
you’re going to have to get drunk, or you’re going to have to blow your brains out. And I
seriously considered all three. And I thought, there’s no way I can work this program the
way they’re telling me to do it.
(49:10 – 49:21)
And I thought about blowing my brains out, and I said, hell, I don’t want to die. Didn’t
want to then, don’t want to today. Well, if I couldn’t work the program and I couldn’t blow
my brains out, there’s only one thing left to do.
(49:22 – 49:36)
And I took a drink of it, and I triggered the allergy, and I couldn’t stop drinking. And this
started a month, a drunk that would last for quite some time. And as time went by, the
drinking became worse and worse and worse.
(49:37 – 49:42)
I finally reached the point where I couldn’t drink anymore. Got so sick, I couldn’t drink
anymore. I went to the liquor store.
(49:43 – 49:49)
I got my vodka, and I got my beer. And I tried drinking that beer, and it was just like
drinking water. It would do nothing for me.
(49:50 – 50:04)
And about all I could do was drink that vodka and pass out. And Barbara and the kids
had moved me into the utility room out there by myself. I’d wake up, and I’d say, I’m not
going to take a drink today.
(50:05 – 50:22)
But I’d be so sick that I couldn’t get up out of the cot that I was sleeping on, and I’d have
to have a drink of vodka. And I’d take that drink of vodka, and that triggered that allergy,
and I couldn’t stop. And I’d end up another day drunk, and I’d wake up after a while, and
I’d say, I’m not going to take another drink, and I’d have to have a drink.
(50:22 – 50:29)
And I got to where I couldn’t eat. I got to where I couldn’t sleep. And I got to where I
couldn’t drink coffee and couldn’t smoke cigarettes.
(50:30 – 50:48)
I couldn’t do anything but drink vodka and pass out and wake up, sick and shaken and
trembling and swearing I’m not going to have a drink, but having to have a drink and
pass out. And one day, Barbara stuck her head in the door, and she said, honey, you’re
sick, aren’t you? I said, yes, I am. She said, do you have anything left to drink? And I
said, no, I’m completely out.
(50:48 – 51:03)
She said, I’ll be back in a little while. And she came back in an hour or so, and she had a
brown paper sack. And in that brown paper sack, it was completely full of pint bottles of
vodka.
(51:04 – 51:14)
Strawberry vodka, lemon vodka, God only knows what else. And it was completely full of
these. And she said, here, you love this more than you love anything else.
(51:15 – 51:28)
And she gave me that sack of vodka, and she walked out. Now, for years, I thought she
did that out of the goodness of her heart. But today, I know she had learned in Al-Anon
to let him drink all he wants to drink.
(51:29 – 51:40)
And the more he drinks, the better, the sooner he’ll reach bottom or die, one of the two.
And in her case, her problem would be solved. Whether I quit drinking or whether I died
didn’t make that much difference.
(51:41 – 51:48)
Barbara helped me reach bottom. I sat there, and I drank that vodka. And I thought,
man, I’ve got enough here now to do me for a week or two.
(51:49 – 52:00)
And just a day or two later, I’m out of vodka again. And I woke up one morning knowing
full well that I was dying from alcoholism. Now, I didn’t want to die drunk.
(52:00 – 52:10)
Never have wanted to die, especially didn’t want to die drunk. And I really didn’t know
what to do about it. But I knew that I could no longer do it by myself.
(52:10 – 52:17)
And I said to Barbara, I said, Barbara, I’ve got to have help. I can’t quit drinking. And
that’s all she was waiting on.
(52:17 – 52:24)
She got to the phone. She called this fellow named Floyd, another fellow named Buss.
And they came to the house to see about me.
(52:24 – 52:34)
And they looked in the utility room, and I’ll never forget them. Buss was a real tall guy,
rough, tough, old telephone line repairman. And he looked at Floyd.
(52:35 – 52:42)
He looked at me, and he looked at Floyd. And he said, man, we can’t sober him up. Now,
in those days, you couldn’t get in the hospital hardly for alcoholism.
(52:43 – 52:49)
We sobered each other up in each other’s homes. And he said, we can’t sober him up.
He’s going to die on us just sure as anything.
(52:49 – 53:00)
We’re going to have to get him somewhere and get him some help. And Floyd said, well,
I know a doctor that I think I can get him in the hospital. And he looked at me, and he
said, come on, Charlie, let’s get you cleaned up.
(53:00 – 53:07)
And let’s get you to the hospital. Let’s get you some help. And I said, no, boys, I don’t
believe I’m that bad.
(53:09 – 53:16)
I believe I can do this by myself. And thank God for the fellowship. Buss looked at Floyd,
and he said, let’s go home.
(53:17 – 53:27)
Said, there’s nothing we can do to help him. Said, until he’s ready, until he’s completely
defeated, we’re just wasting our time. And Floyd looked at me with tears in his eyes.
(53:27 – 53:34)
And he said, Charlie, I’m going home. But he said, when you need me, call me, and I’ll be
back. And they left.
(53:34 – 53:44)
And I was there another two or three hours, and trying to get well and couldn’t get well.
And I knew I couldn’t do it my way. And somehow I got to the phone, and I called Floyd.
(53:45 – 53:51)
And I said, come and get me, Floyd, I’m ready. And he came to our house. And I’m sitting
on the front porch.
(53:53 – 54:16)
And I’ve got a half a can of beer sitting on the front porch, trying to drink enough beer to
get well so I can go to the hospital. And Floyd got out of his pickup, and he said, come
on, bring your beer, and you can drink it on the way. And I said, no, Floyd, that’s, I don’t
want any more beer.
(54:17 – 54:26)
I said, I’ve had all I can stand. I just absolutely can’t drink any more. And we left my
house, and I left a half a can of beer sitting on the front porch.
(54:26 – 54:43)
Now, I drank for 26 years. I don’t ever remember walking away from a drink of anything
that had alcohol in it until that day. He took me to the hospital, and of course, there they
gave me the proper medication to ward off the DTs and the convulsions.
(54:43 – 54:58)
And I don’t know what happened there. And I know there was a lot of screaming and hellraising going on. Two or three days later, I woke up, and I had bruises all over my arms
and legs where apparently I’d been tied down.
(55:00 – 55:05)
I noticed the nurses, as they came by, they would look in the room. They wouldn’t come
in. They would just look in.
(55:07 – 55:14)
I didn’t see any pink elephants, but I saw a white horse. Had an old white horse. He
would come in that room and visit with me.
(55:15 – 55:27)
And he would sit down in a chair over in a corner and cross his legs. And if he had his
glasses on, he would talk to me. But if he took his glasses off, forget it.
(55:27 – 55:36)
He wouldn’t say a word without his glasses on. I remember that just as clear as anything.
I woke up in that hospital in a place I’d never been before.
(55:37 – 55:46)
Not in my body, but in my mind. I woke up in a place of absolute, complete defeat. And I
didn’t know what to do about it.
(55:47 – 55:57)
I knew if I left that hospital, I was going to drink. And I knew if I drank, I was going to die
from alcoholism. And I really didn’t know what to do about it.
(55:57 – 56:20)
It blows my mind today to think that I’d been in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous
for a year and a half, and when I finally reached the bottom, I didn’t know what to do.
But finally, finally, a thought came to mind. One of the other older members of AA had
said, if you’re ever in complete desperation, don’t know which way to turn, he said, try a
little prayer and see what happens.
(56:21 – 56:34)
And I remember lying in that bed, looking straight up at the ceiling, and I said, do you
dare pray? And I said, no, you don’t pray. Only weak people pray. I said, strong people
like you, Charlie, they stand on their own two feet, they don’t pray to nothing.
(56:35 – 56:58)
And my mind said, well, what are you going to do if you don’t? And my mind said, what
good would it do? God’s not going to have anything to do with you because of what
you’ve been in the past. And if he does, it won’t be anything good. My mind said, but
what are you going to do if you don’t? And finally, my mind said, what would it hurt to
try? There’s not a soul in this room except you.
(56:59 – 57:20)
And if you prayed and it didn’t work, nobody else would know you’d even done it. And I
looked straight up at that ceiling and I uttered a prayer, which is probably about as false
as any prayer can be. I said, God, if there is a kind and a loving God, can you remove
from me the obsession to drink alcohol? Now, I really don’t know what happened.
(57:22 – 57:34)
I wasn’t like Bill Wilson. I didn’t feel as if the great clean wind of a mountaintop blew
through and through. I didn’t see any great blinding flashes of light.
(57:35 – 57:50)
But I knew the instant I said that prayer that I never had to drink again if I didn’t want to.
I didn’t know for sure how I was not going to do it, but I knew I wouldn’t have to anymore
if I didn’t want to. And I left that hospital and I did the only thing I’ve ever done right.
(57:50 – 58:01)
I went right back to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I walked in the door at
Siloam Springs Borderline Group on Friday night. And there they all stood with their
hands sticking out.
(58:01 – 58:09)
And they said, hello, Charlie, how are you? They said, man, we’re glad to see you back.
You’ve been having a little trouble with alcohol. I said, yes, I have.
(58:10 – 58:18)
But I didn’t ask them what to do about it. And they didn’t tell me what to do about it. I
started going to four or five or six AA meetings a week.
(58:20 – 58:30)
I opened the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. And this time I didn’t start in chapter five.
I started way back in the front, way back in the doctor’s opinion.
(58:31 – 58:50)
I began to ask this God that I did not understand and still don’t understand him today. I
began to ask him every morning, God, please, one more day of sobriety. Don’t let me get
into anything today that you and I can’t keep me out of.
(58:51 – 59:03)
Please help me not drink today. I began to thank him when I went to bed at night for
another day of sobriety. And as time went by, things began to change.
(59:05 – 59:18)
This time, instead of it getting worse and worse and worse, things began to get better. I
began to have a little better relationship with Barbara. I began to have a little better
relationship with my children.
(59:19 – 59:35)
I began to have a little better relationship with the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. One
day I came to the realization that God is doing for me what I can’t do for myself. That
God is doing those things for me that alcohol used to do for me.
(59:36 – 59:58)
And if God’s doing those things for me that alcohol used to do for me, then I don’t need
alcohol to have alcohol do those things for me. And I was absolutely amazed when I
realized that. And as the years went by and trying to work the program, trying to read
and study the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, I began to finally realize what has
happened to me.
(1:00:00 – 1:00:13)
And I’d always heard all my life that all human beings are born to live in three
dimensions of life. The big book talks about those three dimensions of life. It says we’re
meant to live with the spirit.
(1:00:14 – 1:00:44)
You know, if God dwells on each of us, and I’m convinced that he does because my book
says so, then that means I’m going to have to live with God whether I like it or not’s
beside the point. The only question is, do I live with God in harmony or disharmony?
Nobody in the world ever got in more disharmony with God than I did and other
alcoholics have. The book talks about the mental dimension.
(1:00:45 – 1:00:54)
We all have a mind. Sometimes we act like we don’t, but we do. And we’re going to have
to live with our mind whether we like it or not’s beside the point.
(1:00:56 – 1:01:15)
And again, the only question is, do we live in our mind in harmony or disharmony? I don’t
know of any group of people in the world that ever got in more disharmony in their own
minds with themselves than we alcoholics have. There is a thing called the physical
dimension. Now, for a long time, I thought that was my body.
(1:01:16 – 1:01:29)
But I realize today the physical dimension is the world and everything in it. And we
alcoholics don’t have any place to live except here on earth, whether we like it or not’s
beside the point. That’s the only place we’ve got to live.
(1:01:29 – 1:01:54)
And the only question is, do we live here in harmony or disharmony? I don’t know of any
group of people in the world that ever got in more disharmony with the world and
everything in it than we alcoholics have. The book says we were spiritually, mentally,
and physically ill. Now, as I look at our program, one day I saw some words in there that
said, it’s a design for living that really works.
(1:01:56 – 1:02:23)
And I got to looking at the program, the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I began to
look at the design of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I began to realize that
they are designed to put us back together as God intended for us to be in the first place.
Because you see, because of my powerlessness, I was able to see where I was insane.
(1:02:24 – 1:02:42)
And because of the powerlessness and because of the insanity, I was able to make a
decision about this God thing. And through Steps 1, 2, and 3, I got the right relationship
with God. You know, there I decided that God’s going to be the director, always before I
was the director.
(1:02:43 – 1:02:55)
I decided that God’s going to be the father, and I’m going to be the child. He’s going to
be the employer, and I’m going to be the employee. Always before, when it came to God,
I always told God what I wanted him to do.
(1:02:55 – 1:02:59)
God, do this for me. God, do that for me. God, get me out of this mess.
(1:02:59 – 1:03:12)
God, if you’ll do that, I’ll do this, and etc. And never, never had I thought to try to find out
what God wanted me to be. And through Step 1, 2, and 3, I developed a proper
relationship with this God as I understand him.
(1:03:13 – 1:03:34)
That removed just enough self-will to let me begin to look into my mind. And through
Steps 4 and 5, I began to see those things within me that had become the outgrowth of a
life run on self-will. I began to see where I had become a very selfish, dishonest, selfseeking, frightening, inconsiderate human being.
(1:03:35 – 1:03:59)
I began to be able to see where based on those character defects that I would do things
to hurt people, they would retaliate against me, and then I would resent them for doing
so. I began to see that if I ever wanted any peace of mind, that we’re going to have to do
something about my character defects, not anybody else’s, but mine. And through 4 and
5, I was able to see that.
(1:03:59 – 1:04:14)
Through 6 and 7, I began to work on those character defects. I began to ask God to
remove this selfishness from me. I began to ask him to take away this dishonesty, take
away this self-seeking, frightened individual, take away this inconsideration.
(1:04:14 – 1:04:31)
But I also realized one day that God can’t take it away unless I’m willing to become the
opposite. And in order for God to take away my selfishness, I had to start practicing
unselfishness. In order for him to take away my dishonesty, I had to start practicing
honesty.
(1:04:31 – 1:04:53)
In order for him to take away my fear, I had to start practicing courage to take away
inconsideration. I had to start thinking about other people and their needs and their
wants, and slowly, slowly, over a period of time, as God removed and I practiced the
opposite, I began to find that I was becoming a different human being. You know, I think
we alcoholics are the luckiest people in the world.
(1:04:54 – 1:05:02)
Most people out there today are sick. Most of them are going to the grave sick, not even
knowing they’re sick. We not only know we’re sick, we know what’s wrong with us.
(1:05:03 – 1:05:20)
We found out through steps four, five, six, and seven what our problems really are. And
through four, five, six, and seven, with God’s help, we change those things. You know, I
think I understand today what the book says when it says we were reborn, not in our
bodies, but in our minds.
(1:05:20 – 1:05:27)
I am not what I used to be. I’m not perfect. I’m not completely unselfish.
(1:05:28 – 1:05:33)
I’m not completely honest. I’m not completely filled with courage. I’m not completely
considerate of others.
(1:05:33 – 1:05:45)
But I’ll guarantee you, I am not what I used to be. I have become a different human
being. I think the reason we’re so lucky is that we have the opportunity to live two
lifetimes in one lifetime.
(1:05:46 – 1:05:56)
The lifetime of what we used to be and a lifetime of something entirely different. And
that’s what comes about through four, five, six, and seven. I got right with me in my
head.
(1:05:57 – 1:06:08)
Also, I found that in order for me to really feel good, I was going to have to do something
about those people I’d hurt in the past. Didn’t want to. God knows nobody wants to
apologize for the past.
(1:06:09 – 1:06:21)
Nobody wants to take from today’s living and give back for things in the past. The only
question is, can we afford not to do that? And I found that the guilt and the remorse just
literally ate me up. Thank God for steps eight and nine.
(1:06:22 – 1:06:38)
Through steps eight and nine, I got right in the physical dimension. I got right with the
world and the people in it. Now, if you’re right with God, you’re right with yourself, and
you’re right with your fellow man, you’re going to feel pretty good towards yourself.
(1:06:39 – 1:07:12)
You know, I don’t think it’s by accident that the very next thing in the big book Alcoholics
Anonymous is called the promises. The promises come as the results of the work that
we’ve done through these first nine steps. And as I read those promises, as I read about
knowing a new freedom and a new happiness, as I read about comprehending the word
serenity and knowing peace, as I read about fear of people and economic insecurity
would leave me, one day as I read them, I said, hey, this is what alcohol used to give to
me.
(1:07:13 – 1:07:27)
When alcohol was my friend. When alcohol did all the good things for me that I needed
done, that’s what alcohol did for me. And I said, these first nine steps have given me
these promises, and the first nine steps are doing for me what alcohol used to do for me.
(1:07:29 – 1:07:46)
That’s why I don’t drink today. If I hadn’t have found something to give me that sense of
ease and comfort, if I hadn’t have found something to give me that great, exciting
feeling, if I hadn’t have found something to give me the things alcohol used to give me, I
would go right back to it still trying to find it. I know that today.
(1:07:47 – 1:08:03)
But you see, I don’t have to drink because I’ve got it. And when I realized what the first
nine steps have given to me, one day I also realized that they’ve never turned against
me as alcohol did. I’ve never been placed in jail because of the first nine steps.
(1:08:05 – 1:08:16)
No lady has ever drugged me through a divorce court because of the first nine steps. I’ve
never vomited. Damn near did a time or two, but never really vomited because of the
first nine steps.
(1:08:18 – 1:08:49)
You know, if you read those first nine steps, I mean, do those first nine steps and read
those promises. And if you receive those promises in your life, then you have become an
entirely different human being. The big book tells us in the appendix on spiritual
experience, spiritual awakening, that a spiritual experience or a spiritual awakening is a
personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism.
(1:08:50 – 1:09:01)
We come in here restless, irritable, and discontented. We come in here filled with shame,
fear, guilt, and remorse. We come in here filled with resentment and anger and et
cetera.
(1:09:02 – 1:09:32)
And if we’ve changed from that to the state of mind that the promises give, then we’ve
had a tremendous change in our personality. Probably enough to recover from
alcoholism at the end of the first nine steps if we receive the promises. Now, if that’s
true, then what’s the purpose of the last three steps? A lot of people in AA will tell us that
the last three steps are there to maintain our sobriety.
(1:09:33 – 1:09:44)
And I will agree that they will certainly help us stay sober. But the word maintain or
maintenance is a misnomer within itself. To maintain something means to keep it as is.
(1:09:45 – 1:09:56)
And there’s another natural law that applies. It says, nothing in our universe ever stays
as is. Everything in our universe is in a constant state of change.
(1:09:57 – 1:10:08)
It’s either growing or it’s dying. It’s progressing or it’s regressing. My God, you look at a
beautiful tree and it grows and it grows and it grows and it gets more beautiful every day
until one day it quits growing.
(1:10:08 – 1:10:21)
And the day it quits growing, it begins to die and eventually reverts back to where it
came from. The human body is one of the most miraculous things God’s ever made. And
we grow and we grow and we grow until we get to be about 19 years old.
(1:10:22 – 1:10:31)
Then we quit growing. And the day we quit growing, we begin to die and eventually we
revert back to where we came from too. Nothing ever stays the same.
(1:10:32 – 1:10:43)
Bill Wilson, twice in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, has mentioned a fourth
dimension of existence. One that they never dreamed of. He talks about it in his story.
(1:10:43 – 1:11:01)
He talks about it in chapter two. I believe today there is a dimension of living far, far
beyond the normal three. And I believe the last three steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are
growth steps that are designed to put us in an entirely new dimension of living.
(1:11:02 – 1:11:23)
Because you see, if they were not growth steps, and if we stopped here and had to
maintain, then you and I would get bored with this thing. But since the last three steps
are growth steps, there’s no end to them. We’ve made a tremendous amount of spiritual
growth through the first nine steps if we receive the promises.
(1:11:24 – 1:11:46)
But if we try to stop there, we start slipping back. And we start having trouble with
people, then with ourselves, then with God, and then we’re drunk all over again. If you
look at step 10 in the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous, some people, they read the steps
off the wall and they try to work the steps off the wall.
(1:11:47 – 1:11:56)
And the only problem with that, the instructions on how to work them are in the book.
They’re not on the wall. And they read step 10 off the wall and it says, continue to take
personal inventory.
(1:11:56 – 1:12:02)
When we were wrong, promptly admitted it. And it looks like that’s all we got to do in
step 10 to see if we’re wrong. If so, admit it.
(1:12:03 – 1:12:15)
And somewhere we got the idea you don’t do that till you go to bed at night. Well, at my
age, I don’t get in trouble in bed anymore. I need a walking around step, one up and
around in the daytime.
(1:12:16 – 1:12:26)
If I read 10 the way the book says, it says, continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty,
resentment, and fear. That’s step four. It says, when these crop up, we ask God to
remove them.
(1:12:26 – 1:12:31)
That’s six and seven. It said, we discuss them with someone immediately. And that’s
five.
(1:12:31 – 1:12:40)
And then it says, we make amends if we’ve harmed anybody. And that’s eight and nine.
Step 10, done the way the book says to do it, is a continual working.
(1:12:41 – 1:12:55)
A four, five, six, seven, eight, and nine. Those are the steps that gave us the spiritual
growth to start with. I would defy anybody in this room to work step 10 the way the big
book says to do it and stay the way you are.
(1:12:56 – 1:13:07)
You absolutely cannot do that. As you continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty,
resentment, and fear, you learn more about yourself. As you discuss it with another
human being, you learn more about yourself.
(1:13:07 – 1:13:19)
As you ask God to take those away, they become less and less. As you make amends
quickly, your relationship with the world and the people in it becomes better and better
and better. Step 10 is a definite growth step.
(1:13:19 – 1:13:37)
Step 11 says, we sought through prayer and meditation to improve, not maintain, to
improve our conscious contact with God as we understand him. For people like us, when
we get here, we’re spiritually bankrupt. Most of us don’t know anything about prayer and
meditation.
(1:13:38 – 1:13:50)
When I got here, I knew nothing whatsoever about meditation. And if I thought about it
at all, I thought about chanting certain words or laying down and listening to soft music
and et cetera. I knew very little about prayer being raised in church.
(1:13:50 – 1:13:59)
I had two prayers I used when I got to AA. One said, now lay me down to sleep or pray
the Lord my soul to keep. And if I don’t, I’m not into that anymore.
(1:13:59 – 1:14:13)
That’s dealing with death and I don’t care about that. The other one I used, and I’m sure
you used it too, went like this, God, if you’ll get me out of this damn mess, I swear I’ll
never do this again. Now I’m going to have to develop a life of prayer and meditation.
(1:14:13 – 1:14:34)
Thank God for the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. On two and a half pages in a book
called Alcoholics Anonymous, it has given me some very definite and valuable
suggestions. And if I will follow them, I will develop my own life of prayer and meditation.
(1:14:35 – 1:14:44)
Tells me what to do when I get up in the morning. Tells me what to do during the day
when I face indecision. Tells me what to do when I go to bed at night.
(1:14:44 – 1:14:57)
Tells me how to pray. And if I’ll follow those suggestions, I develop my own life of prayer
and meditation and I improve my conscious contact with God as I understand him. You
can’t work step 11 the way the book says and stay the way you are.
(1:14:58 – 1:15:11)
Step 12 is probably the greatest growth step of all of them. First part of step 12 says
having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. I think that’s the greatest
promise to be found in the big book.
(1:15:12 – 1:15:32)
It tells me that if I will apply these first 11 steps in my life to the best of my ability, I am
assured that I will have a spiritual awakening. Now what is that spiritual awakening?
Well, it’s a personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism. Bill tells us in the 12
and 12, there’s many kinds of spiritual awakenings.
(1:15:32 – 1:15:42)
There are people in AA, but they’ve all got certain things in common. That is that we’re
able to feel, believe, and do things we could never do before. Oh, you betcha.
(1:15:42 – 1:15:51)
I feel things I’ve never felt before. I feel love, patience, tolerance, compassion, and
goodwill toward my fellow man. I’ve never felt that before.
(1:15:52 – 1:15:59)
Before AA, I could have cared less about you. You could have some, but I got mine first
always. I don’t feel that way anymore.
(1:16:00 – 1:16:11)
I believe things I’ve never believed before. I believe God is a kind and a loving God. I
believe he stands ready to help any human being, anywhere in the world, the instant
they’re ready to give up on self-will and turn back to him.
(1:16:11 – 1:16:19)
I believe he’s a God of mercy, not a God of justice. Thank God he isn’t a God of justice. If
he was, I wouldn’t be here tonight.
(1:16:20 – 1:16:28)
Some of you guys wouldn’t be here tonight either. Surely, surely, he’s pure love, pure,
pure love. I can do things that I’ve never been able to do before.
(1:16:29 – 1:16:43)
By golly, I can stay sober. I never could do that before. You know, one of the things that’s
happened to me recently within the last year or two, and I always like to talk about it just
for a moment, is back when I was a kid in the 30s.
(1:16:43 – 1:17:00)
Now, this has been a long time ago. I read something about the English and the French
would one day dig a tunnel under the channel where they could move back and forth on
solid ground. And I remember saying that.
(1:17:00 – 1:17:17)
I probably was eight years old. I remember saying, if they ever dig that thing, I’m going
to go through it. Now, two years ago, my friend from Little Rock, Joe and I, we had the
great opportunity to go to England and Ireland and do a little stuff on the big book.
(1:17:18 – 1:17:29)
And I called Joe and I said, Joe, if we’re going to go to London, I want to go through that
channel they built over there. Would you like to go? And Joe said, no. He said, I don’t
know about that.
(1:17:29 – 1:17:33)
He can’t swim. He said, I don’t know about that. I said, well, tell you what I’ll do.
(1:17:34 – 1:17:43)
I’ll ask God and see what God thinks, and then we’ll decide. Next time I talked to him, he
said, did you talk to God? And I said, yeah. And he said, what’d he say? And I said, he
said, it’d be all right.
(1:17:43 – 1:17:56)
We could go. And we went to London and we got tickets for the channel. And we got on
that channel train in Waterloo Station in London.
(1:17:58 – 1:18:14)
And from London to the channel, they haven’t completely rebuilt the track yet in
England. Top speed was about 90 miles an hour. We got to the channel and we went
down under the channel and about 15 minutes later came up on the French side.
(1:18:14 – 1:18:22)
And there the track has been completely rebuilt. And they begin to fire this thing up. And
I know it was going real fast.
(1:18:22 – 1:18:33)
And I happened to look out the window and we were going by an airport. And there was
a 737 landing over here. And I know that they land at 150 to 160 miles an hour.
(1:18:33 – 1:18:40)
And we were running off leaving that sucker. Damnedest ride I ever had. And we got to
Paris.
(1:18:41 – 1:18:51)
And we spent, we knew a guy in Paris. And we spent that night, that afternoon, that
night, and the next morning sightseeing in Paris. And got on the channel train and come
back to London.
(1:18:52 – 1:19:00)
I never could have done that before. I couldn’t do that drinking. You know, I’ve been
allowed to do so many, many things that all I’ve ever done in my life is dream of them.
(1:19:01 – 1:19:12)
I’ve been allowed to do so many things in the last few years that I can sit here and stand
here and talk about them all night long. Things that I shouldn’t be able to do. Things that
I have no right to do.
(1:19:13 – 1:19:26)
But things that God has done for me that I could not do for myself. The final thing I have
to do, and then I’m going to be through. The final thing I have to do is try to practice
these principles in all my affairs.
(1:19:27 – 1:19:35)
And what are these principles? I hear people arguing about them all the time. They say,
well, the principle of one is this, and the principle of two is that. No, I don’t think that’s it.
(1:19:37 – 1:19:59)
Bill, in his writings, all of them, he doesn’t like to repeat himself twice in a row. When he
wants to repeat himself, he’ll normally find a different word that means the same thing.
In step 12, he had already used the word steps when he said, having had a spiritual
awakening as a result of these steps, and he didn’t want to say steps again, so he
changed it to principles.
(1:20:00 – 1:20:13)
And how it works, it says, no one among us has been able to maintain anything like
perfect adherence to these principles. The principle we set down are guides to progress.
What did he set down just before that? The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
(1:20:14 – 1:20:28)
And in front of the 12 and 12, he says the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are a set of
principles, spiritual in nature. So he’s referring to the steps in step 12. Now, it’s easy for
me to work the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous in AA.
(1:20:29 – 1:21:00)
I love you, and I hope you love me, and we’re gonna do our best not to hurt each other.
But what do I do outside of AA? I’m only here an hour or two a day at the most. What do I
do the other 22, 23 hours? Do I practice these principles, these steps in my home with
my spouse? You know, can I really, really see how I am powerless over that lady? Can I
realize the insanity of trying to control her to the full? Well, I can’t.
(1:21:01 – 1:21:40)
Can I make a decision to earn her will and her life for the care of God as I understand
him? Can I inventory me and find those character defects that keep me trying to control?
Can I talk about that to another human being? Can I become willing to have God take
those away? Can I make amends to her quickly when I’ve harmed her? There’s times I’m
ashamed of me. There’s times I treat absolute strangers on the street with more
courtesy than I treat my own wife in my own home. Just think, if I could practice these
steps there with her and she with me, why, we might pick up 10, 12, 14 hours a day
where we could be peaceful, happy, and free.
(1:21:40 – 1:21:54)
If we don’t practice, if we don’t stab the chance, we’re at each other’s throat continually.
Can I practice them with my children? If I could, what little time I’ve got left with them is
good times. Otherwise, I control, they resist, no good times at all.
(1:21:54 – 1:22:19)
We might pick up another hour or two a day that way. How about on the job? Can I do it
with my coworker? If I could do it there, maybe I could be peaceful, happy, and free
there too. You know, aren’t we really saying to ourselves that we can be just about as
peaceful and happy and free as we want to be? My old sponsor used to say, Charlie, you
can be just as happy as you want to be.
(1:22:20 – 1:22:32)
And I’d say, you old fart, you have no idea what you’re talking about. Today, I hear
myself saying to people, you can be just as happy as you want to be. You got the tools to
do it with.
(1:22:33 – 1:22:42)
Now, make no mistake about this. God’s not going to do this for you. Other people are
not going to do this for you.
(1:22:43 – 1:23:02)
But you, with God’s help and the help of other people, can do it for yourself. I think we’re
the luckiest people in the world. You know, they tell me today that the majority of the
alcoholics, probably 97 out of 100, are going to die from alcoholism, not even knowing
they’re alcoholic.
(1:23:03 – 1:23:16)
Now, if that’s true, then 3% of us have stumbled into AA. And only about 1 out of 3 that
comes to AA are recovering. See, we’re talking about 1 out of 100.
(1:23:17 – 1:23:37)
I used to say, God, why, why, why am I an alcoholic? Today, I say, God, why am I not one
who’s dying from alcoholism? My friend Floyd that took me to my first AA meeting, he
took me to the hospital. He’s never been able to stay sober. Today, Floyd’s a wet brain.
(1:23:39 – 1:23:53)
He’s a hopeless cripple. He’s confined to a nursing home. And if I go see him, the only
thing he can say to me is, Charlie, do you remember when I took you to your first AA
meeting? And it’s all lost from then on.
(1:23:53 – 1:24:19)
Why me and why not him? I’m convinced today that God got tired of seeing people like
us die from alcoholism. I’m convinced today that he took Bill and Bob and the first 100
and Dr. Jung and Dr. Selfworth and Roland Hazard and a whole bunch and put it together
so we could have it today. If he picked people then, and he’s always worked through
people, if he picked people then, then surely he’s still picking people today.
(1:24:20 – 1:24:27)
There’s not an alcoholic in this room that ought to be here. Every one of us ought to be
dead. God’s got a job for us to do.
(1:24:28 – 1:24:42)
And if we work our program and we have our spiritual awakening, then we can help
others have that spiritual awakening. That’s going from bridge to shore. You know, we
can’t take anybody from bridge to shore.
(1:24:43 – 1:25:00)
We can take them from this shore over here where they’re sick and they’re restless and
they’re irritable and they’re discontented and filled with shame, fear, guilt, and remorse.
And we can sponsor because we know more about alcoholism than anybody alive. We
know more about recovery than anybody alive.
(1:25:00 – 1:25:10)
And we can walk with them as they walk the bridge and then they can reach the shore
also. I think we’re the luckiest people in the world. Thank you all for letting Barbara and I
be here.