Chuck C from Laguna Beach, CA at Colorado State Convention 1964

(0:11 – 0:26)
Thank you, Harold. I am Chuck C. from Laguna B and I am an alcoholic. This is a fine spot
to put a guy in, really.
(0:26 – 0:51)
I feel like a batter getting up to bat after the game’s been won already. As a matter of
fact, I was ready to go home before I got to the hotel. Tommy and Joe and this guy came
out to the airport and picked us up.
(0:52 – 1:10)
And I didn’t even know they were going to be here. And by the time we got to the hotel,
I’d had my meeting and was ready to go back home. And the last couple of days have
just added to it.
(1:12 – 1:29)
The funny part of this deal, Harold here wasn’t even on the program. He’s not supposed
to be doing anything and he done stole the show this morning in their breakfast. That’s
the way it is in this society of ours.
(1:31 – 1:52)
But I’m mighty glad to be here. I’m always glad to be in a meeting. And I think that I
would be remiss if I didn’t first thank your committee for allowing me the privilege to
share this convention with you, both myself and my good wife.
(1:57 – 2:30)
You need me just about as bad as you need another Pike’s Peak. I’ve had it and so have
you, Sue, Friday night. What a talk.
(2:31 – 3:00)
The wonderful part of this convention to me is this, that I had heard on several occasions
over the years, and yet with each one of them it was a brand new experience. It was just
as I’d never heard, Tommy, before in my life. Same with Joe and the same with Jack
down here and the same with Harold.
(3:02 – 3:11)
Suzie, I don’t think I’d heard, I don’t know, but I’m sure glad I did. What a deal this has
been. Even my wife has been.
(3:43 – 3:58)
He came all the way up here and sent some money up here. But that’s the way they do
these things down in Texas, you know. They do everything big.
(4:04 – 4:20)
They took the place away from me up here, too. Almost as many Texans in the crowd as
there are Coloradans. We have a big disease.
(4:26 – 4:46)
Whooping cough or German measles. It’s the third worst killer in the country. Doctored
only by heart and cancer.
(4:51 – 5:00)
Insanity. And medically speaking, it’s incurable. That’s pretty rough.
(5:01 – 5:53)
And that’s what I got, I’m an alcoholic. It should be a credit to alcoholism war. Right now,
because we would have to have one of the worst diseases.
(5:55 – 6:31)
See, everything’s got to be big. One of my great dreams in an alcoholic stupor. I
remember one of them that recurred often.
(6:32 – 7:21)
I was going to save the Pope in an earthquake. You see, we never did the little things.
And this is one of the wonderful things about our program.
(7:22 – 7:30)
There’s nothing big to do anymore. Things take care of themselves. And it’s wonderful.
(7:33 – 7:44)
And when we, as alcoholics, come to see the nature of our problem. Fulfill the conditions
laid down in our program. That’s what we do.
(7:44 – 7:56)
Something happens to us. But I’m one who believes that either we have to drink the last
dregs out of the bottom of the cup. Or we have to come and see the nature of our
problem.
(7:57 – 8:14)
Lest we will not fulfill. We are a peculiar breed of cats. We have the ability to hear what
we want to hear and see what we want to see.
(8:15 – 8:34)
And interpret both that which we hear and see the way we want to interpret. And we
can’t hear until we can. I got a great charge out of a little thing that happened on Art
Linkletter’s program sometime back.
(8:35 – 8:56)
He had a bunch of kids up there talking to him. And he asked them about the definition,
their definition of a miracle. And he got to this little knotted boy and he says, what’s your
definition of a miracle? And he says a miracle is something that can’t happen until it
does.
(9:00 – 9:11)
And that’s the way with us. The miracle of A can’t happen with us until it does. I’ve heard
several people say since I’ve been here.
(9:13 – 9:22)
I wish I could have found this thing 10 years sooner. Or 20 years sooner or something.
And I just laugh.
(9:24 – 9:38)
I just laugh because we couldn’t have found it 10 years sooner. We couldn’t have found it
10 days sooner. You know an alcoholic just don’t make up his mind that he’s got a
problem.
(9:39 – 9:50)
And decide to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. And surrender and get sober. There’s a
little preparation to go through.
(9:55 – 10:21)
We got to get ready. Medical definition of the disease of alcoholism. Disease of a twofold
nature.
(10:23 – 10:48)
To the body coupled with. I know this. Because I spent 10 hot years in hell.
(10:49 – 11:00)
Trying to prove that wasn’t true. And I proved to my complete and total satisfaction that
it is. So I agree.
(11:01 – 11:13)
I also agree that. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. Medical science says that there’s
never been a case in history.
(11:13 – 11:24)
Where anybody like me ever went back to normal drinking. I agree with this. Once an
alcoholic always an alcoholic.
(11:26 – 11:41)
I agree that the physical part of the disease gets worse with the passage of time. Even
during long extended periods of total abstinence. I know that I’m 18 years and 7 months
worse off.
(11:41 – 12:02)
So far as successfully drinking liquor is concerned than I was when I got here. And just
between us I wasn’t in what would be diagnosed as robust health when I got here. I know
this is true and I don’t have to take a drink.
(12:03 – 12:11)
To prove it. Because I have been close to and active in this program. For 18 years and 7
months.
(12:12 – 12:23)
And when you’re close to and active in. You don’t have to take the drink to see if the
physical part of the disease gets worse. Because your friends are forever doing it for you.
(12:24 – 12:34)
You know. I had a twin in this program almost. The chap that came to the program the
same month I did.
(12:34 – 12:44)
January 1946. And for 15 straight years. He did a tremendous job in this program.
(12:45 – 12:58)
He was one of the greatest speakers that ever came out of Southern California. Many of
you have heard him or heard his tapes. Two years ago last Christmas he got messing
around with a little cough syrup.
(13:01 – 13:11)
Codeine and alcohol. Next thing you know he was drinking a little and next thing you
knew we had Barry. It didn’t last 60 days after his first drink.
(13:11 – 13:21)
After 15 straight years of total absence. So you see. The physical side of the disease gets
worse with the passage of time.
(13:22 – 13:30)
Even during long extended periods of total absence. And to date. There is nothing.
(13:31 – 13:43)
That can be done about the physical part of the disease. If we had all the money in the
state of Colorado. It wouldn’t be enough to send me some place to have my body made
over.
(13:44 – 13:52)
So I could successfully drink. All of this. I am fully aware of.
(13:53 – 14:05)
Now if seeing the physical side of the disease. You and I could decide to quit drinking.
And could do it.
(14:05 – 14:13)
We wouldn’t have a problem. We simply wouldn’t have a problem. It’s easy for us to see
the physical side of the disease.
(14:13 – 14:22)
That one drink is too many and a thousand is not enough. After it’s explained to us. Now
this never occurred to me.
(14:24 – 14:29)
Until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I never thought it was the first drink. That was killing
me.
(14:29 – 14:38)
I thought it was the last gallon. For 10 years I was trying to find a way to shut it off.
Before the trouble started.
(14:40 – 14:45)
You see my last drink. My trouble started on Wednesday. Now if I had just quit Tuesday.
(14:45 – 14:53)
Everything would have been alright. And so I decided to quit Tuesday next time. But I
would forget to specify which Tuesday.
(14:56 – 15:08)
But when I got here and you told me it was the first slug. I could see it very plainly. It’s
not that we Alkies get drunk every time we take a drink.
(15:12 – 15:22)
Particularly this is not true. With the periodic. We don’t get drunk every time we take a
drink.
(15:23 – 15:32)
We get real cute about this thing. We come off drunk. And if you’re like me.
(15:33 – 15:42)
And didn’t know there was an easy way to sober up. You just died until you could live.
Took your liver out.
(15:42 – 15:51)
Walked up and down the living room floor. Sweating, shaking, freezing and dying. Until
you could get well.
(15:54 – 16:03)
And then you’d go into a real good build up process. You’d eat a lot of vitamins. Sleep
well.
(16:03 – 16:10)
Drink a lot of milk. Exercise. Get real strong.
(16:10 – 16:18)
And then you’d start to analyze. You’d take that last drunk apart. See where you made
your mistakes.
(16:18 – 16:29)
Decide not to do it that way anymore. And then you’d start sampling. And you’d sample
your way right on back to bed.
(16:29 – 16:38)
You see. Take quite a little time. And we got real cute about it.
(16:40 – 16:57)
We’d take a few weeks. So it isn’t that we get drunk every time we take a. It’s that we
get drunk every time we take a drink. Before we quit taking a drink.
(16:58 – 17:06)
You see. Always. It’s just a question of time between the first slug and the drunk.
(17:08 – 17:14)
And if seeing this we could decide to quit drinking and quit. We wouldn’t have a problem
in the world. We’d just say to ourselves all right.
(17:16 – 17:22)
The stuff isn’t doing for me what it used to do. I can’t get there anymore. I can get close.
(17:23 – 17:32)
But I either go through or fall back. And so I’m not getting any fun out of it. There’s
nothing in it but trouble.
(17:34 – 17:44)
And besides it’s getting so it hurts too bad to sober up. So I’ll just cork up the bottle and
put it on the shelf and leave it. Now if we could do that we wouldn’t have a problem in
the world.
(17:45 – 17:53)
We’d do it. But we can’t. Why? Because of the other half of the disease.
(17:53 – 18:03)
The obsessions of the mind. That cause us to drink. The obsessions of the mind.
(18:04 – 18:12)
That cause us to drink. The reason you never hear anything about willpower or
backbone. Or standing up and being a man in Alcoholics Anonymous.
(18:13 – 18:31)
Is that we know it’s just as silly for an alcoholic to decide to quit drinking. As it is for a
tubercular to decide to quit coughing. The only way a tubercular can get rid of the cough
is to get rid of it’s cause.
(18:31 – 18:47)
Tuberculosis. And the only way a guy like me can get rid of the bottle is to get rid of the
mental obsessions that cause him to drink. You see there is no physical demand for
liquor when the body is dry.
(18:48 – 19:04)
If there was I’d be in the middle of a bad predicament this morning. Because I haven’t
had a drink or a tranquilizing or sedating pill for 18 years and 7 months. So I would really
be hurting.
(19:06 – 19:14)
But I’m not. I feel pretty good, thank you. There is no physical demand for liquor.
(19:15 – 19:22)
When the body is dry. It’s only after the first slug that the physical takes over. The first
drink is mental.
(19:25 – 19:34)
The second drink and the 542nd drink are physical. But the first one is mental. And if you
and I want to live without that bottle.
(19:35 – 19:44)
We have to be rid of it’s cause. The obsessions of the mind. And that’s what our program
is all about.
(19:45 – 19:59)
We recognize the physical part of the disease. And recognize that we have no more good
drinking time left, period. And never will have anymore, period.
(20:01 – 20:11)
And then turn to the other half of the disease, the cause. And this is what our program
relieves us of. The obsessions of the mind.
(20:13 – 20:21)
Now due to our very nature. We either have to come to see. That there’s nothing ahead
of us.
(20:21 – 20:33)
But permanent insanity or death. Or we have to drink the last dregs out of the bottom of
the cup. Because otherwise we will not do the things necessary.
(20:36 – 20:45)
To obtain and maintain sobriety. We won’t do it. Because the first condition.
(20:46 – 20:57)
For sobriety is surrender. This is the very first condition for sobriety. This is a battle we
win.
(20:57 – 21:09)
By the recognition that we can’t win. By the admission to ourselves of total defeat. And
the abandonment of self.
(21:10 – 21:17)
To the simple program. And we will not do it. Unless we see that it’s absolutely
necessary.
(21:18 – 21:35)
Or that it is absolutely. How are we going to get rid of the obsessions of the mind? We
have a formula that is foolproof. And all we gotta do is fulfill the conditions of the
formula.
(21:38 – 21:48)
And the first condition. Is that we accept ourselves as we are where we are. This is the
first condition.
(21:50 – 22:04)
We find it in chapter three. It says we learn that we had to fully concede to our
innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery.
(22:06 – 22:20)
Now that’s why these meetings are so very necessary. Because before we can identify
with both halves of the disease of alcoholism. We have to identify with an alcoholic.
(22:20 – 22:34)
This is our first identity. With somebody like us. And the place to find somebody like us is
in an alcoholics anonymous meeting.
(22:36 – 22:43)
And that’s why these meetings are so necessary and so vital. To us. If we be alcoholics.
(22:44 – 23:03)
That we might be able to accept ourselves exactly as we are where we are. You know
until I completely and totally ran out of everything. Including choice.
(23:05 – 23:15)
It was never my fault that I drank. It was your fault. If you stupid people.
(23:16 – 23:27)
Had of lived like I knew you should. And like I told you how. Because I knew how you
should live.
(23:27 – 23:34)
And I told you. And if you just had performed like I thought you ought to. I wouldn’t have
had to drink.
(23:38 – 24:02)
But you wouldn’t do it. And so I got drunk at you. You heard talking some of you
yesterday afternoon.
(24:02 – 24:11)
I used to get drunk at her. An awful lot. Because she didn’t perform like I knew she
should.
(24:11 – 24:45)
My boss. He made it clear to me that I had all the brains in the old wife’s mother. We had
a newt.
(25:01 – 25:47)
Watching me crucify her only daughter. Who is mine. From that moment until right now.
(25:49 – 25:57)
I have never had to take a drink of liquor. Or a sedating or tranquilizing pill. And it
happened to me in the middle of the worst drunk.
(26:00 – 26:07)
And I had nothing in my body but liquor. Nothing. But I woke up with a little period of
sanity.
(26:07 – 26:29)
And I saw me as I was. And accepted me as I was. One of the greatest days in the life of
any individual.
(26:29 – 26:47)
Like himself as he is. Starts going from there. Condition we find in chapter 3. Chapter 5 it
says.
(26:47 – 26:57)
If you have decided you want what we have. And are willing to go to any length. Any
length.
(26:57 – 27:06)
To get it. Then you’re ready to take certain steps. Now this means to me that sobriety
has to be number one.
(27:06 – 27:15)
If we be alcoholic. It has to be tops on our hip parade. And I am convinced clear through
from top to bottom.
(27:16 – 27:24)
That the very minute that anything. Anything gets more important to an alcoholic than
his sobriety. He is on thin ice.
(27:28 – 27:37)
I don’t think the time can ever come with us. When anything. Gets between us and our
program and our God.
(27:38 – 27:53)
Lest we be on thin ice. This is awful hard for some of us to come to see. And particularly
is it hard for some of our mates to come to see.
(27:55 – 28:05)
In my early days. My good wife was in the process of getting rid of me legally. She hadn’t
had me for quite a spell anyway.
(28:19 – 28:38)
Should be gone. Because I had decided the first night that I got to a meeting. That I
wanted what you had.
(28:38 – 28:46)
And I became willing to go to any length to get it. But I had a great fear upon me. The
fear that I didn’t have enough left to get it.
(28:47 – 28:56)
And for six months I was in a meeting every night. With this great fear upon me. Because
I didn’t bring a body or a mind.
(28:57 – 29:03)
To my first meeting. Many of you have heard me say it took me three and a half years.
To get over falling on my face after my.
(29:06 – 29:13)
And it took me over six months to put the serenity prayer. This beautiful little serenity
prayer together in English. Not spiritually in English.
(29:14 – 29:22)
So I brought neither a mind or a body. And I was so burdened with it. That I didn’t have
enough left to get it.
(29:26 – 29:37)
Anything about this broken with my wife. Until six months had gone by. And I had
awakened to the fact that I was sober.
(29:38 – 29:47)
And had been from the very first meeting. And then I started talking with her about it.
Well unbeknownst to me she had read my book.
(29:49 – 30:02)
And she wanted to go with me. And I took her. And she’s been going with me ever since.
(30:04 – 30:15)
But after three or four months. I was asked to say a few words in my own group. And I
got up and talked a little.
(30:15 – 30:23)
And I said now if it was necessary tonight. For me to go to Tibet. To maintain what I
found here.
(30:26 – 30:31)
Compact my grip. Come to the living room and kiss my wife. And say honey.
(30:32 – 30:38)
It’s too bad. But I’ve got to go. Well we got home.
(30:40 – 30:53)
Pretty soon I had noticed that the house was shaking. And I look over and she’s bawling
her eyes out. And I said well honey what’s the matter? And she says oh what you said.
(30:59 – 31:08)
She says for the first time in her life. We have a little chance for some happiness. For a
little joy and a little peace around this house.
(31:10 – 31:40)
And you’d go to Tibet. She says don’t I mean anything to you? Don’t the kids mean
anything to you? Don’t the home mean anything to you? And I just let her cry and it
slowed down. And I says honey do I mean anything to you drunk? And she says no.
(31:41 – 31:55)
Do I mean anything to these kids drunk? And she says no. Do I mean anything to me or
to life drunk? No. And I says well can’t you see that this has to be number one? And she
couldn’t.
(32:02 – 32:13)
But you heard her say yesterday. That if it were necessary for us to go through this ten
years of hell. To find what we had found.
(32:13 – 32:23)
That she was glad that it happened. And she’s a non-alcoholic. And she would tell you if
you ask her.
(32:24 – 32:33)
That anything that I feel it’s necessary. To maintain myself in this way. She okays
regardless of what it is.
(32:35 – 32:43)
We must come to see. That this is number one. And must remain so.
(32:46 – 32:53)
If you have decided you want what we have. And are willing to go to any length to get it.
Then you’re ready to take certain steps.
(32:55 – 33:07)
And then it says here are the steps we took. And this is the one of the most significant
programs in our book. I mean one of the most significant lines in our book.
(33:09 – 33:18)
Here are the steps we took. T-double-o-k took. We’re sober.
(33:21 – 33:27)
Now if you happen to be an alcoholic. And if you want to get rid of that flick. Took them.
(33:30 – 33:38)
Took them. Because when you took them something happens. And when you don’t took
them nothing happens.
(33:39 – 33:47)
Ha ha. Here are the steps we took. That doesn’t say here are the steps we heard read.
(33:49 – 33:57)
Or here are the steps we read. Or here are the steps we discussed in last night’s
discussion meeting. Or here are the steps we interpreted.
(34:00 – 34:10)
Ha ha. That interpreted just drives me nuts. You know what that first step to me.
(34:11 – 34:19)
Step meant to me 18 years and 7 months ago. We admitted we were powerless over
alcohol. That our lives had become unmanageable.
(34:21 – 34:29)
You know what it means to me this morning. 18 years and 7 months later. We admitted
that we were powerless over alcohol.
(34:29 – 34:35)
That our lives had become unmanageable. That’s all. Ha ha.
(34:37 – 34:50)
That boy or girl jump up and interpret that. Ha. Here too late to do it.
(34:59 – 35:15)
That doesn’t say here are the steps we conned God into taking for us. God has
everything to do with our program. He is the author of it and the father of our miracle.
(35:16 – 35:25)
But this isn’t one of the things. Here are the steps I take. Myself personally.
(35:26 – 35:34)
Applying to my very own life. And I haven’t had to drink anymore. Now this is the
formula.
(35:36 – 35:44)
This is the simplicity of our program. And this is the only thing that’s wrong with our
program. It is that simple.
(35:45 – 35:53)
It is that simple. But you and I are not that simple. We look at this thing and we say uh
uh.
(35:53 – 35:58)
It can’t be that simple. There’s bound to be a tougher way than this. And I’m going to
find it.
(36:01 – 36:11)
Ha. Ha ha. We say if these black lines have got so much potency.
(36:12 – 36:25)
These white lines have got something in them too. And we start reading between the
lines. We can’t get simple enough to see that three five hundred thousand men and
women.
(36:26 – 36:32)
Are living a. Sober. Normal. Not normal.
(36:32 – 36:40)
Hey hey. Way of life. As the result of applying these steps to their very own lives.
(36:41 – 36:53)
As honestly as they know how one day at a time. And letting the chips fall where they
may. When we get simple enough to do this.
(36:54 – 37:04)
To abandon ourselves completely to this simple program. To let go absolutely. To do
these simple things one day at a time to the best of our ability.
(37:05 – 37:17)
And incidentally that’s enough. This isn’t a program of great learning. Neither is it a
program of great ability.
(37:18 – 37:31)
It’s a program of attitude and effort. Attitude and effort. The only thing you and I need to
know that we didn’t know when we got here was the nature of our problem.
(37:32 – 37:44)
This is very good to know. Very good to know that I’m physically and mentally different
than the non-alcoholic drinker. It’s a good thing.
(37:45 – 37:53)
And this we need to know. But that’s the only thing we need to know that we didn’t know
when we got here. And the only ability we need is what we got.
(37:53 – 38:07)
If we use it all. Because when we use it all what we lack is supply. This is the miracle of
A.A. And so I’d love to talk about the 12 steps.
(38:07 – 38:15)
And I’d love to talk about the 12 traditions this morning. But I’m not going to do it. These
are the conditions boiled down.
(38:17 – 38:35)
The recognition that we’ve lost the battle. The admission, personal admission and
acceptance of the fact that we have lost the battle of life. The recognition of the need for
help from any place.
(38:35 – 38:43)
From any place. If there be any atheists or agnostics in the room this morning. Let this
not bother you in the least.
(38:46 – 39:01)
Just the recognition of the need for help from any place is enough to start with. And then
enough honesty to see ourselves as we are and enough honesty to do something about
it. Namely to practice these principles in all of our affairs one day at a time.
(39:02 – 39:17)
And the rest will come. I’ve seen atheists come to this program that were so bitter they’d
spit on the floor every time the word God was mentioned. And I’ve seen them remain to
thank God from the soles of their feet.
(39:19 – 39:30)
Just the recognition of the need for help. There’s nothing in our book that says you need
come here believing. Our book says we came to believe.
(39:31 – 39:43)
And when we do these simple things one day at a time we can’t keep from coming to
believe. Because we move out of hell into heaven. And there’s nothing left to do but
thank God.
(39:46 – 39:57)
And this is our program of recovery. If you want these things do these things. Now I want
to start over.
(39:59 – 40:20)
I said that I agreed with the doctor about the disease of alcoholism. But I think and most
of you think I know that there is another part to the disease of alcoholism. Of course it is
physical and mental.
(40:21 – 40:39)
But it is also spiritual. A basic spiritual unrest is the basic problem. Alcoholism is a living
problem and you and I have to have a living answer.
(40:43 – 41:12)
If alcohol alone caused alcoholism every excessive drinker would be an alcoholic. But
many good Saturday night drunks are not alcoholics at all. Alcoholism is a basic living
problem and you and I have to have a basic living answer.
(41:13 – 41:35)
Now what do I mean by that? Why am I not drunk this morning? Sunday? I’m a couple
thousand miles from home. It’s a beautiful day. Why am I not drunk? There’s no better
day to be drunk than Sunday.
(41:36 – 42:02)
When it’s Sunday. You know? Why am I not drunk? Because I have the thing that I was
looking for in the bottle. I got it.
I got the thing. Now what is the thing? I don’t hurt in here anymore. That king size hurt is
gone.
(42:05 – 42:09)
I’m not fighting me. I’m not fighting you. And I’m not fighting my God.
(42:11 – 42:23)
I am at peace with me and you and my very own God. And that’s the only reason I am
not drunk. I don’t kid myself for 30 seconds.
(42:25 – 42:52)
If I hurt in here like I hurt 20 years ago I would be drunk as I was drunk 20 years ago.
Without this thing which we call the miracle of A.A. This morning I am a tongue chewing
babbling idiot drunk. And I am not in the least concerned about saying that.
(42:53 – 43:00)
Neither am I in the least afraid of it. I know it. I can’t stay sober up myself.
(43:04 – 43:22)
So it is a state of being that allows me to be sober this morning. There isn’t anything that
a drink or a sedating or tranquilizing pill could do for me but tear me down. I don’t need
it therefore I don’t have to have it.
(43:25 – 43:48)
Now why was I drunk 20 years ago? For the same reason a state of being. A state of
being that was so lousy that I had to get drunk to get a little peace. Why does a guy or a
gal that is otherwise a pretty fine person.
(43:49 – 44:03)
Why do we keep fighting this battle for 10 years after we’ve lost? For two reasons I think.
Number one is that we can’t admit defeat. We cannot admit defeat.
(44:03 – 44:13)
It’s against our nature. We have to win and so we’re in there fighting. I was saying to
myself 5 years after everybody quit listening to me.
(44:14 – 44:26)
I’ll beat this thing if it’s the last thing I ever do. And it came that close to being the last
thing I ever did. I could not give up.
(44:29 – 44:51)
But more important than that is that the only peace I ever knew. Until I found my peace
in Alcoholics Anonymous. Was when I was just right with that flit.
(44:52 – 45:06)
When I had just enough to make everything alright with me and with you and life was
good. This is the only peace I ever knew. I have 18 years and 7 months of sobriety to
look back over.
(45:07 – 45:15)
25 years of drinking. And the time before that. And although I never had a drink until I
was big as I am now.
(45:16 – 45:25)
Out of school I was an athlete and I was always in training. And I never took liquor and I
never smoked either for that matter. Until I was out of school.
(45:28 – 45:41)
But even back as far as my memory goes. I was a misfit in life. I could not integrate
myself in the life around me.
(45:42 – 45:53)
Although I wanted so much to be a part of I was forever apart from. Until I found myself
in AA. And the only peace I ever knew.
(45:54 – 46:06)
Was when I was just right. And as things became more and more confused. And as the
truth dawned on me.
(46:07 – 46:20)
That I was going backwards. That the turtles of life were passing me up like they were on
motorcycles. And I was yelling out why, why, why.
(46:22 – 46:35)
And there was no answer but a why. And remembering these times of peace. I’d get that
bottle and try to get back there.
(46:37 – 46:51)
And I couldn’t make it. But I kept trying because it’s the only peace I’d ever known. Now
you’ll notice a while ago.
(46:52 – 47:03)
I said if there be fault it is mine. I said that purposely. Because I do not believe there is
fault.
(47:06 – 47:28)
You can’t tell me that there is any alcoholic in the world. That enjoys the life he has to
live after he becomes a compulsive drinker. This is one of the things that makes it so
hard for the world to understand.
(47:29 – 47:41)
Because we don’t understand ourselves. An alcoholic is just as different on the inside.
From the thing he shows to the world.
(47:42 – 47:57)
As day is different from night. I think we were born with a combination of characteristics.
All of which are good when we learn how to live with them.
(47:58 – 48:09)
That makes it impossible for us to integrate. Into the life we see around us. Not that we
don’t want to, we want to.
(48:10 – 48:26)
But we can’t. One of the things that just drives me nuts. Was the little scene in the days
of wine and roses.
(48:28 – 48:40)
You remember these two kids who were both heavy drinkers. And they fell in love and
they drank together and they got married. And they both became alkies.
(48:42 – 48:51)
Tore up the place. And were separated. And he went ahead and found his way in AA and
she couldn’t.
(48:52 – 49:04)
And she loved a guy and she came to try to get him to come back with her. And they
were in an apartment high above the city of New York. And she was looking out the
window.
(49:08 – 49:20)
And he was begging her to join him in this way of life. And she finally says I can’t, I can’t,
I can’t. She says when I look out at this window sober.
(49:21 – 49:28)
It’s dirty and it’s ugly. And when I look out drunk. It’s beautiful.
(49:31 – 49:41)
It just tears the heart out of me. Because for 25 years. The only way I could stand what I
saw.
(49:42 – 49:52)
Was when I was half drunk. You see we’re a bunch of perfectionists. Every alcoholic
avenue.
(49:55 – 50:06)
Now perfectionism is good. When we learn how to live with it. Because there’s that great
drive you know that goes with it.
(50:06 – 50:13)
There’s the inability to settle for the normal. We have to have things better than normal.
And this is good.
(50:15 – 50:26)
But there’s also the inability to settle for anything less. Than perfection. And this is the
thing that made us make over the world.
(50:27 – 50:37)
This is the thing that made us make over our wives and our husbands. They weren’t
according to our standards. And we had to.
(50:38 – 50:50)
Make them over. And this isn’t a good way to make friends and influence people. People
don’t want to be made over.
(50:51 – 51:03)
I have to laugh. I have to laugh at that little story of the attorney that had the two sons.
You remember? And he couldn’t wait until these boys got big enough to get him into the
Boy Scouts.
(51:04 – 51:18)
And they finally made it. And every time he’d come home they’d have a little ritual you
know. He’d end up by saying, John did you do your good turn today? Yes father, what
was it? And so he came home this day.
(51:18 – 51:29)
And they go through their little ritual. And he says, John did you do your good turn
today? He says, yes father I did. He says, what did you do? He says, I helped an old lady
cross the street.
(51:29 – 51:41)
Oh he says, that’s wonderful. Jimmy says, how about you? Well he says, what did you
do? He says, I helped John take the old lady across the street. Why? He says, that’s no
project.
(51:42 – 52:05)
Why didn’t you get your… Oh he says, you don’t know dad. He says, the old lady didn’t
want to cross the street. Here we are a bunch of perfectionists trying to make the world
over.
(52:05 – 52:13)
And they don’t want to be made over. And we’re frustrated. Now another thing.
(52:14 – 52:25)
For some reason. We were born with the interior awareness that life should be a
beautiful and a good and a big thing. Every alcoholic on earth knows it.
(52:26 – 52:42)
It came with it inside of one of the lines in one of Wordsworth’s poems. Says it better
than I can. Says not in complete forgetfulness nor yet in utter nakedness.
(52:43 – 52:54)
But training clouds of glory did we come from heaven which is our home. And this is our
picture of life. And we look at it and it’s not.
(52:55 – 53:03)
And we can’t integrate. We are rebels. Not of our choice.
(53:04 – 53:11)
And lastly. We’re a highly emotional people. Very sensitive.
(53:12 – 53:24)
And we get hurt very very quickly and very easily. The scientists the world over say we
are emotionally immature, we drunks. I don’t believe it.
(53:26 – 53:38)
I think it’s because we’re born with such a high degree of sensitivity. We get hurt so
badly. By everything in life.
(53:40 – 53:57)
And at a very early date we start building that wall around us to keep from getting hurt.
And as we go along we exclude, we chip off, we build this wall thicker and higher.
Because we can’t get hurt anymore.
(54:00 – 54:19)
And we won’t let anybody in to that inner sanctum because we know they’re going to
hurt us. I don’t think this is emotional immaturity. I think it’s a living problem that we
have to find the answer for.
(54:20 – 54:33)
I’ve stood before this many and more people in Folsom prison. Folsom prison is a
maximum security. You can’t even get in there for murder if it’s the first time.
(54:37 – 54:49)
You gotta be an habitual to get into Folsom. So those guys are supposed to be pretty
tough. And I stood up there and watched 250 of them bawl right along with me.
(54:51 – 55:01)
Shamelessly and let the tears bounce off of their belly. And it wasn’t because they were
emotionally immature. It was because of the great identity.
(55:01 – 55:08)
They were inside just like me. And there was that great identity. One with another.
(55:12 – 55:28)
Now with this kind of a combination, turn loose on the world. Something has to happen.
And it’s in our search for this something that we find alcohol.
(55:30 – 55:44)
And alcohol is not a problem to us. It’s an answer proving that the problem was already
there. You see? Alcohol was no problem to me for 15 years.
(55:44 – 55:56)
I got drunk and I got sober when I wanted to. I called the shop. I drank according to a
very strict code.
(56:01 – 56:10)
And it was an answer. An answer that I needed very badly. But after 15 years the answer
being the wrong answer turned into the problem.
(56:11 – 56:29)
And it beat me to death. The only thing I knew that would give me a little peace and
eventually oblivion wouldn’t even give me oblivion. And I could drink that flick to the
tumbler and I couldn’t get drunk and I couldn’t get sober and I couldn’t live and I couldn’t
die.
(56:32 – 56:44)
And if there’s any hell any hotter than that, I hope I miss it. Searching, searching,
searching. And unable to find.
(56:45 – 57:18)
Because we can’t fulfill the condition. Because of our conditioning. The weak man
surrenders.
The strong man wins the victory. And we have to stay and then fight. Well now the
reason I’m so slap happy on this program is because I can take no credit whatsoever for
being here.
(57:19 – 57:32)
I could not come to Alcoholics Anonymous until I’d run out of choice. My choice was
never to come here. And I had to run out of everything including choice before I could
come.
(57:33 – 57:49)
I can’t even take credit for living to get to my first meeting. Because on my next to the
last drunk, I drove 6,000 miles in a blackout. I don’t remember 5% of 6,000 miles in two
weeks.
(57:52 – 58:12)
So something must have been taking care of me before I even got here. And I think it
was the prayers of my non-alcoholic relatives and friends that allowed me even to get
here. And so I am the most fortunate, one of the most fortunate along with you.
(58:12 – 58:34)
One of the most fortunate people that lived. Because I am here because of the accident,
a total failure in every department of life. And when there was nothing left to do, I
abandoned myself to nothing and came here.
(58:35 – 58:50)
What for? To find God? No. To find an answer to life? No, my life was over. To get my
wife back? No, she was gone and should be gone and I wasn’t entitled to have her back.
(58:50 – 59:06)
To get back the love of the kids? No, it was gone. To get my job back? No, no. I’d
forfeited all rights to that job just for sobriety.
(59:07 – 59:13)
And I didn’t even want sobriety for myself. Because my life was done. I knew I was going
to die.
(59:15 – 59:27)
I had almost made it the time before. The oxygen squad had had to come and wake me
up the last time out. So I knew that death was imminent, but I didn’t care.
(59:28 – 59:44)
I must be sober until I died. Because I didn’t want to die with a record. I didn’t want that
wife of mine and those kids to remember me as nothing but a tongue-chewing babbling
idiot drunk.
(59:45 – 1:00:01)
And I must be sober until I kicked over in order to rub out as much as I could. And I came
here for one reason and one reason only. Hoping against hoping that I might find a way
that didn’t include that sled.
(1:00:04 – 1:00:18)
And you told me, not only the nature of my problem, but what you’d done. And you said
that you wanted to do it. And that’s all I’ve done for 18 years and 7 months.
(1:00:19 – 1:00:33)
I have attempted to practice these principles in all of my affairs one day at a time. First,
for sobriety. And after I’d awakened to the fact that I had it.
(1:00:36 – 1:00:48)
Then, just because I wanted to. Just because I wanted to. Because, you see, this is the
thing I had had to have since the day I was born.
(1:00:49 – 1:01:06)
How fortunate can a man be? How very fortunate can a man be? I would have settled for
the meanest old unhappy sobriety on the face of the earth. Just as long as it didn’t
include liquor. And thought I had a bargain.
(1:01:09 – 1:01:32)
And I’ve had sobriety for 18 years and 7 months. And along with it has come everything
else that makes for a wonderful, good, full life. How fortunate can we be? Yes.
(1:01:34 – 1:01:51)
I do not believe that we’re at fault. I think that the drinking experience is a part of the
search for unity. The search for unity that we might be a part of.
(1:01:53 – 1:02:13)
The life that I enjoy in Alcoholics Anonymous is exactly the life that I was born knowing
that we should have. This is the thing itself. Now I’m going to close with a little thing.
(1:02:14 – 1:02:19)
I’ve been asked to do it. And I love it. And I’m glad I was asked.
(1:02:21 – 1:02:35)
A little thing that I have known since I was knee-high to a grasshopper. But never
understood until I was sober some 5 years. It’s one of our parables.
(1:02:35 – 1:02:41)
The parable of the prodigal son. And it is my story. And it is your story.
(1:02:42 – 1:02:56)
And it is our story. And it explains to me, me to me, better than anything I’ve ever
thought about, read about or heard. And it explains you to me.
(1:02:56 – 1:03:08)
And it explains us in our relationship to life, to God. Better than anything I’ve ever
known. And it goes something like this.
(1:03:09 – 1:03:24)
A certain wealthy man, God, had two sons. You and I. And the youngest one of them
came to his dad and he says, Dad, I’ve got me some big ideas. I’m going over to
California.
(1:03:28 – 1:03:36)
And cut me a big pig over there. I’ve got lots of things to do. Got a lot of ideas, a lot of
opportunities out there in California.
(1:03:37 – 1:03:44)
Give me my help. The father didn’t say, wait a minute, son. We’re wealthy.
(1:03:45 – 1:03:59)
We’ve got everything you need right here. Stay home. You’re liable to get out there in
California, away from home, consciously separated from, and get in trouble.
(1:04:00 – 1:04:08)
You might run onto a blonde out there with a bottle of muskadoodle. And get into a lot of
trouble. Stay home.
(1:04:10 – 1:04:18)
No. He didn’t argue with the kid at all. Who gave him his inheritance.
(1:04:18 – 1:04:23)
Without an argument. Just gave it to him. And the kid went away from home.
(1:04:26 – 1:04:33)
Into a far country. Away from home, away from God. Conscious separation.
(1:04:34 – 1:04:44)
And wasted his substance on riotous living. Now maybe you didn’t do that. But this son’s
just like me.
(1:04:46 – 1:05:02)
Just exactly. And after he’d spread all, what’d you do? Come back home? No. After the
famine? What then? No.
(1:05:02 – 1:05:13)
That famine tickles the tooth. There’s never a bunch of people that should be able to
understand the famine in such. I don’t think they make famines like that no more.
(1:05:14 – 1:05:29)
You know? Come off the drugs, you’re as hot as a two-bit pistol. Half of your friends are
trying to bank one of your checks with a tennis racket. That’s a famine.
(1:05:30 – 1:05:37)
After he’d spread all, there was a mighty famine in the land. And the kid came to want.
But he didn’t come home.
(1:05:38 – 1:05:43)
He did just like you did. Just like I did. He went to a man in that country.
(1:05:45 – 1:05:52)
You and I went to the doctor, to the psychiatrist. We got nothing against those people.
We went to Timbuktu.
(1:05:53 – 1:06:03)
We went every place, but we didn’t come back home. So he went to a man in that
country. And the man put him to work.
(1:06:04 – 1:06:13)
Out of all the things he might have put him to do, and he didn’t. He put him to tending
pigs. Now this is very significant.
(1:06:16 – 1:06:21)
This is very significant. Because he’s telling us to what depth. The kid had gone.
(1:06:23 – 1:06:33)
You see, this was a Jew boy telling this story. And they don’t like pigs. They just don’t like
pigs, that’s all.
(1:06:35 – 1:06:47)
And for a Jew to have to tend pigs, there’s nothing worse. And so the boy was down. We
got a word for it in AA.
(1:06:47 – 1:06:54)
We call it low bottom. And so he started tending pigs. And while he was in the pig pen he
got hungry.
(1:06:57 – 1:07:10)
And he fain would eat the husks that the pigs did eat. And no man gave them to him. He
was beyond human help.
(1:07:10 – 1:07:19)
We got a line to that too. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the
care of God. As we understood it.
(1:07:21 – 1:07:34)
Probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. Beyond human help, you
see. And so he got hungry.
(1:07:34 – 1:07:48)
And no man gave them to him. And in his desperation he remembered. I’ve been in that
pig pen.
(1:07:49 – 1:07:58)
You’ve been in that pig pen. I think I know all about that pig pen. And he had that
moment of truth.
(1:08:00 – 1:08:05)
He said to himself, I’m fain. I’m no good. I’ve sinned against God and man.
(1:08:09 – 1:08:19)
But he remembered that in his father’s house was plenty to spare. And immediately, like
the alcoholic. He says, I can’t go back home.
(1:08:20 – 1:08:27)
I can’t go back there and say, look dad, here’s your son. I’ve come home. Can’t do it.
(1:08:28 – 1:08:36)
Because I’m a sinner, I’m no good. I’m not entitled to it. But he also remembered that the
servants back there had more than he.
(1:08:38 – 1:08:49)
And he says, I will go back. And ask my dad to put me on as a hired servant. So he made
the decision.
(1:08:50 – 1:09:08)
He says, I will arise and go to my father. And now here’s the miracle of Alcoholics
Anonymous. The father saw him a long ways off and came to meet him.
(1:09:10 – 1:09:23)
Ah, this is a miracle of age. The father saw him a long ways off and came to meet him.
And the father saw me a long ways off.
(1:09:24 – 1:09:34)
And came to meet me. Because when I got to that first meeting. I was convinced.
(1:09:35 – 1:09:41)
Before I even got through the door. That I was in the wrong place. Because I saw a bunch
of people like you.
(1:09:44 – 1:09:50)
And you weren’t dressed like me. And you didn’t feel like me. And you didn’t look like
me.
(1:09:51 – 1:09:56)
And you were all yakking. Every one of you. Yak, yak, yak, yak.
(1:09:56 – 1:10:02)
Nobody listening. Everybody talking. And it was all happy talk.
(1:10:06 – 1:10:13)
And I was a part from. Not a part of that happy talk. And I said to myself.
(1:10:13 – 1:10:19)
They’ve given me a bum steer. Because you see I never had a sponsor. I went there
alone.
(1:10:21 – 1:10:29)
And only an alcoholic knows what it means to be alone. Only an alcoholic. And I said to
myself.
(1:10:29 – 1:10:35)
They’ve given me the wrong light. These are the veterans and their wives. And they’re
here for party.
(1:10:37 – 1:10:43)
Because it was in the veterans foreign wars hall. Where the meeting was held. And I said
to myself.
(1:10:43 – 1:10:51)
I’ve got to go home. And come back the night the drunks are here. And I turned to leave.
(1:10:52 – 1:11:01)
And if I was dead when I got there. I was double dead when I turned to leave. Because
this I needed so badly.
(1:11:04 – 1:11:09)
And as I started to wave. The man heard over at the door. And he said to me.
(1:11:09 – 1:11:19)
Mister were you looking for somebody? And I said no sir. Well he said. What were you
looking for? And I said.
(1:11:19 – 1:11:24)
Well if it didn’t interest you. I was looking for surprise. Because you see I thought he was
a veteran.
(1:11:26 – 1:11:32)
And the guy lit up like a Christmas tree. His whole being changed. He just lit up.
(1:11:34 – 1:11:41)
And he says to me. Why take off your hat and coat. You’re in the right place.
(1:11:46 – 1:11:52)
And God came to meet me. Through him. Who had already found his way.
(1:11:58 – 1:12:04)
And so the kids start trying to tell God. What a bad boy he’d been. His father.
(1:12:05 – 1:12:10)
And again the father didn’t. Hear him. There wasn’t any argument.
(1:12:12 – 1:12:17)
The father didn’t say yes. I know what you’ve done. You sure are a stinker.
(1:12:19 – 1:12:26)
You’ve messed things up but good. And I’ve got the record on you. Now get to Grubbin
Hole.
(1:12:26 – 1:12:31)
And get back here on the back 40. And start to work on those persimmon sprouts. And
sassafras bushes.
(1:12:33 – 1:12:38)
And maybe 25 years from now. If you’ve done a good job. I might invite you in to have
lunch with me.
(1:12:40 – 1:12:48)
No. Just as it was when the kid went away. It was when he came back home.
(1:12:49 – 1:12:55)
There was no argument. No argument at all. No condemnation.
(1:12:56 – 1:13:03)
The father fell on his neck. And kissed him. And he put a ring on his finger.
(1:13:04 – 1:13:10)
The symbol of eternal life. No beginning and no end. And he calls his servant.
(1:13:11 – 1:13:18)
And he says kill the fatted calf. Let’s have a party. The boy was lost.
(1:13:20 – 1:13:33)
And he’s come back home. Even as you now. It’s not normal.
(1:13:34 – 1:13:42)
To walk alone. I walked alone for 43 years. It’s not normal to walk alone.
(1:13:42 – 1:13:53)
It’s cold outside. It’s normal for us to walk down the high road of life with our arms
around each other. Sharing our experience, strength and hope one with another.
(1:13:53 – 1:13:59)
One in love. This is normal. And it’s not normal for us to be away from the father’s house.
(1:14:00 – 1:14:17)
It’s normal for us to become as little children totally dependent on this great thing called
God. Now this morning all things are good with me. I’m sober.
(1:14:20 – 1:14:28)
My family was put back together. My health was put back together. My business was put
back together.
(1:14:32 – 1:14:47)
I have you and I have a good life. All things are good with me. But you’re looking at the
most dependent man you’ll ever see.
(1:14:50 – 1:14:57)
I am totally dependent. I cannot run my life. I cannot run my wife.
(1:14:58 – 1:15:03)
I cannot run my business. I can’t run nothing. I am totally dependent.
(1:15:06 – 1:15:24)
And I know it. What can I do? I can practice these principles in all of my affairs one day at
a time to the best of my ability. And I can share me with anybody that wants me in love.
(1:15:25 – 1:15:44)
And if that’s not good enough I’ve got to die because that’s all I can do. But so far it’s
worked out pretty well because I never had it so good. And my dependency is not a
dependency of fear.
(1:15:46 – 1:16:09)
It’s a dependency of certainty that comes with walking in this way. It’s my business to do
these things and it’s God’s business to take care of them. And He has done an infinitely
better job than I could do.
(1:16:11 – 1:16:29)
I gave my all. I gave my family, my health, my job, my money, and my sanity. I spent it
all to do this thing ended up in the pig pen.
(1:16:30 – 1:16:51)
And by the grace of God through your help came back home to a banquet. Is it any
wonder that I’m here? This is no joy for me. I have to be here.
(1:16:52 – 1:17:09)
I have to be here. I can’t be any place else. I love this brook and I love its people and I
love its God who is my God and I can’t keep from talking about it.
(1:17:09 – 1:18:04)
It’s been a great joy to be with you. I’m taking back to California a thousand times more
than I was able to give because I am one and you are many. And to think that we can sit
and walk and talk with each other about our own failures and about our own good
fortunes and realize from which it comes and laugh and cry together saying one to
another didn’t our hearts burn within us as he walked with us and talked with us by the
wayside.
(1:18:05 – 1:18:18)
This is a that we walk with our hands in the hand of God and our arms around the drunk
who still suffers. God love you all. Thank you.