Dr. Paul O. from Laguna Niguel, CA at Capitol Jamboree – Olympia, WA – 6/5/1999

(0:10) Good evening. My name is Paul and I’m an enthusiastic alcoholic. I am enthusiastic (0:20) about this way of life and about AA and about sobriety, anybody’s sobriety, especially my (0:29) own.
And I just, I’m enthusiastic about the word enthusiasm. To me the N means within (0:42) and theos means God and the God within and I’m convinced that my higher power likes (0:50) it when I’m enthusiastic about what he’s given me today and the life he’s put together for (0:57) me and I particularly, I like AA and I particularly like people who are enthusiastic about AA (1:09) and I don’t think I’ve ever seen that better demonstrated than I’ve seen here this weekend. (1:18) I think this is the way a jamboree really ought to be put together and give yourselves a hand.
(1:33) This will be the role model to which all future jamborees will shoot for and I also want to (1:41) mention Sharon and Pat, our drivers. I find it, I always feel more secure when I say something (1:50) nice about the person who’s supposed to take me back to the airport. And I want to thank (2:02) you for inviting us and Max and I and for the flowers and the gifts and the baskets and (2:10) just for everything and for the love in that.
In fact I even enjoy the fact that this room (2:19) is a little too small for this. I love it when alcoholics are jammed together because (2:24) there’s a, when alcoholics and alcoholics are jammed together they generate energy and (2:29) love and I do feel a little bad when I see people having to stand but then a little voice (2:38) says to me, what the hell, you’ve got to stand. I really feel this is totally impractical, (3:00) stupid and a dumb idea but I feel so much love in this room and this whole weekend I (3:06) have.
But there’s one thing that’s been missing as far as I’m concerned. I haven’t seen a lot (3:12) of hugging and I know how impractical and stupid the suggestion is but I’d love to see (3:18) you all stand up and hug somebody you didn’t come here with tonight. Let’s take a minute (3:24) and have a little hug time.
(4:40) Very good, thank you. You’re good at that too. I’ve enjoyed every minute of this weekend (4:47) and actually the best is yet to come.
Debbie’s going to talk tomorrow morning and for heaven’s (4:52) sake don’t miss that and be sure to be here. And I’ve enjoyed every bit of this meeting, (5:00) even the readings before the meetings. I, you know, we hear them at every meeting and I like (5:06) to listen for a different inflection or different wording or something so I can learn something (5:14) more and more about that important parts of the program.
But what I really listen, (5:20) I was a little disappointed tonight because they read it so perfectly. What I really like to hear (5:27) are the mistakes. Because, you know, people and they’re reading it and you hear, yeah, yeah, (5:32) yeah.
I don’t really hear it but when they make a mistake, what was that? Yeah. And that’s the (5:39) part that I really remember. I remember one night I was leading a meeting and I asked this older (5:44) woman to read chapter 5 and she read it as, what an odor.
And one time I was reading the (5:59) traditions and I read it as sought-through prayer and medication. I heard another guy read it as (6:06) sought-through prayer and mediation. But the one I like best is the person that read the traditions, (6:13) I think it was the sixth tradition, and he said, the only requirement for membership is a desire (6:21) to start drinking.
And, you know, that makes more sense to me. Last night Scott asked for this show (6:38) of hands of people within their first year of sobriety. Could we see that tonight in their (6:43) first year? I think the trouble is with that that I’m not sure that first year is really a (7:00) newcomer.
In my home group we always have a show of hands of people with their first 30 days of (7:05) sobriety. Now I know that it’s embarrassing to you and we don’t do it to embarrass you but it’s a (7:12) good way to stay sober by admitting you’re in your first 30 days. Would the people with 30 days (7:18) or less please raise their hand? That’s just great, that’s just great.
In fact that’s the way to stay (7:37) sober in AA as far as I’m concerned. You do stupid little things that people suggest that have (7:42) nothing to do with sobriety. Do it because somebody suggested it.
And we’re glad you’re here. Did (7:52) you notice the enthusiasm with which you were welcomed? We’re really glad you’re here because (7:57) that’s the way AA is. Sobriety isn’t something you can go out and buy, it’s something you can give (8:04) away and the more you give it away the more you have it and so we’re glad to give it to you.
(8:11) We’re so glad you’re here that we don’t even care that you’re not glad you’re here. (8:27) In fact if you’re really glad to be here, if you’re happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy to be here, (8:34) we may not be able to help you. (8:46) At least not until you get off whatever you’re on.
(8:55) And of course there’s the court card people. I haven’t heard anything about court cards this weekend but (9:03) signing court cards, we’re not part of the court system, thank God, but we do that as a service to the courts. (9:10) We sign court cards, at least in my home group.
So if you hear from the court card, (9:19) I was at a meeting down in Riverside, California. I was going to talk and at that meeting when you’re going to talk (9:29) they have you sit up at the front table with the officers and other important people and (9:36) sitting there waiting to talk they had the basket with the court cards in it and not having anything better to do, (9:42) I counted the court cards and there were 21 court cards at this particular meeting but only one newcomer. (9:57) So ever since then I’ve made it a habit to welcome the non-alcoholic drunk drivers.
(10:16) We’re really glad you’re here. (10:22) I, for one, hope you stay here until I get back to the airport. (10:33) Oh, I didn’t have a show of hands.
In my home group we always have a show of hands of the almonds. (10:39) Can we see the hands? Don’t be ashamed now, put your hands up. (10:52) Always glad to see Al-Nons at the meetings, any meeting.
(11:00) They need all the meetings they can get. (11:09) Don’t laugh, don’t laugh. (11:12) You should not laugh at the Al-Nons.
(11:16) Our book speaks very kindly of the Al-Nons. (11:19) It says, they’re not at fault, they seem to have been born that way. (11:35) I wouldn’t say that except that I am an avid, full-blown, participating, enthusiastic Al-Non member myself.
(11:44) I go to Al-Nons every week. (11:51) I love Al-Nons. It pays to love the Al-Nons.
(12:00) No, I do, I love Al-Nons. (12:02) In fact, one of the most common problems I see is an alcoholic going crazy in a relationship with another alcoholic. (12:11) And I listen to their story and I say, well, that sounds very much like an Al-Non problem.
(12:18) Have you considered going to Al-Nons? (12:21) And they’re insulted. (12:24) Well, I’m an alcoholic. (12:29) As if I was suggesting they give up AA and go to Al-Nons.
(12:35) But the one thing at Al-Nons I do have, I don’t agree with, I have a problem with, (12:43) and we shouldn’t really make fun of Al-Nons because we get some of our best recruits from there. (12:52) But what annoys me is when one of them, after several years at Al-Nons, decides to come on over to AA, (13:00) they think, we’ve got them fooled, they think they’re taking a step up by becoming an alcoholic. (13:09) That’s the only place in the world where I ever hear that.
(13:15) Anyhow, let’s get away from that for God’s sake. (13:21) A story in the book, somebody said, how did I get my story in the book? (13:24) A lot of people ask me how I get my story in the book. (13:25) They wouldn’t know how to get their story in the book.
(13:28) I remember one guy came up to me and said, how did you get your story in the book? (13:34) I said, oh, I paid him a lot of money. (13:38) But actually, I got a call from, her name was Paula Carpenter, she’s deceased now, (13:45) but she was chairman of the committee for picking stories to put in the third edition of the big book, (13:52) and she also happened to be the editor of the Grapevine. (13:56) And I had sent some articles in to the Grapevine.
(14:00) The most recent one was an article, No Pills to Alcoholics. (14:04) It was why doctors shouldn’t prescribe tranquilizers and other, and pep pills to alcoholics. (14:09) And when you write a letter to the articles of the Grapevine, they send you back a letter and tell you how wonderful it is, (14:14) and then they tell you whether or not they’re going to use it.
(14:16) And she said they liked it and they were going to use it. (14:19) And she ended up by saying, had I, perchance, had a dual problem with the, meaning, I guess, alcohol and pills, (14:28) and I don’t know what gave her that idea. (14:32) And if I had, had I ever written my story up? (14:36) And if so, would I consider sending it in for possible inclusion in the third edition? (14:41) And I thought, well, that’s about as dumb an idea as I ever heard.
(14:45) I thought that was about as brilliant an idea of me writing up my story and sending it in for the book (14:52) as for me to come to AA in the first place. (14:54) I fought both of them as hard as I could. (14:57) And I just, I didn’t even answer her letter.
(15:00) Well, then she called from New York because the deadline was coming. (15:04) And she said, had I written it? (15:05) And I said, no, I hadn’t. (15:06) I hadn’t had time.
(15:06) I lied and I said I hadn’t had time. (15:08) And she said, well, she’d extend the time. (15:13) And I still didn’t do it.
(15:15) And then, oh, then one of the girls that worked in the office, other than Max, was a professional typist. (15:22) And she was on the program. (15:23) She thought it’d be fun to have written the story, which maybe later on appeared in the big book.
(15:27) And she says to me, why don’t you write it and I’ll type it. (15:29) We’ll send it in. (15:30) So I said, OK.
(15:31) And I sat down. (15:32) I wrote it. (15:33) She typed it.
(15:33) We sent it in. (15:34) And we got a message from New York that it was too late. (15:38) They had had to have another printing.
(15:42) They ran out of books. (15:44) And I thought, that’s great. (15:45) That’s the last I’ll hear about that.
(15:46) She said, we’ll put it in the grapevine. (15:48) So they put it in the grapevine. (15:50) It was in July of whatever year it was.
(15:52) And the only thing, they put it in as I had written it, even with the title, the original title, which was Bronze Moccasins. (16:00) It was based on the fact that Max had had my moccasins bronze for my seventh birthday. (16:09) And anyway, I got to thinking about, gee, I really loved those moccasins.
(16:13) I always thought if I remember where they came from, I wouldn’t have to go back and make another pair. (16:20) And I still love those moccasins, even though they’re not nearly as comfortable as the others. (16:34) And the only thing, the only thing they changed in the story, as I sent it in, was they took one word out, the word alanonism.
(16:42) I said that as Max was reaching the terminal stages of her disease, alanonism, I thought, you know, we have a disease. (16:51) It’s a really horrible disease, but at least it has a name. (16:54) It’s called alcoholism.
(16:56) Their disease is so screwy, they can’t even think of a name for it. (17:02) I thought they ought to call it alanonism, but they took that out. (17:07) I guess they thought alanons were too sensitive or something.
(17:12) But anyhow, that’s the way it was in the grapevine. (17:16) I thought, well, that’s the end of that. (17:18) Well, sometime much later, when you have an article and you send it in the grapevine, they put it in the grapevine, (17:24) a month ahead of time, whether you get a subscription or not, they’ll send you a copy so you can see what it’s going to look like.
(17:30) And you get this extra copy of the grapevine. (17:33) Well, quite a few months later, years later, I forget what, the central office called my office and said to Max, (17:40) does the doctor know that his story is in the new edition of the big book? (17:48) And they said no, and I had to go out and buy. (17:54) I already had a book.
(17:57) And I had to go out and buy another one just to see my own story in the thing. (18:01) I thought that’s pretty chintzy. (18:06) And they had changed the story, I mean, changed the title.
(18:10) And to me, that’s the only clue as to why they wanted it. (18:13) I think they wanted to show that you could be a professional and still be an alcoholic, (18:17) or you could have a drug problem and still be an alcoholic. (18:21) And that’s just a guess on my part.
(18:23) And I think also trying to show that if you had a drug problem, (18:28) that didn’t make you not an alcoholic any more than if you had just an alcoholic, that alone. (18:35) I mean, if you had drugs alone, that doesn’t necessarily make you an alcoholic. (18:39) I mean, it’s not the same.
(18:40) I think that’s what they were trying to show. (18:42) But this is not only an anonymous organization, this is a secret one. (18:48) That’s just my guess, I would say.
(18:51) And I just feel, people ask me, (18:57) did you feel real spiritual when you wrote that page 449? (19:03) And I have to stop and think, and I think, well, (19:05) I felt real spiritual a couple of times when I was drunk. (19:12) But when I was writing that thing, I didn’t think, (19:14) oh boy, people are really going to understand this page 449. (19:19) None of that stuff.
(19:20) I just wrote it and there it is. (19:22) And I didn’t think it was a good idea when I did it, (19:25) but it’s been a tremendous privilege for me to have done that. (19:29) And I feel very, very privileged.
(19:32) I should say that my name is Paul, (19:34) and I’m a very, very privileged, over-privileged alcoholic. (19:39) But that’s the story of that, anyhow. (19:42) Now, where do I go? (19:45) As I said, I was being here, I thank you all for that, (19:48) and welcome to all the other ones.
(19:53) The other day I was thinking, (19:54) somebody was going through some old stuff, (20:00) cleaning out some cupboards and some drawers and that. (20:02) In fact, the meeting at my last Al-Anon meeting, (20:06) the topic was miracles. (20:10) And I got called on, and I wasn’t expecting to participate, (20:16) and all of a sudden I was called on and I was supposed to talk about miracles.
(20:19) And I said that my thought was that a miracle is whatever you think it is. (20:24) I was raised to believe that the church had to analyze the thing for months and months at a time, (20:33) and then they would decide years later whether or not that really, really was a miracle or not. (20:39) But in AA, it becomes almost a miracle is a situation in which God wishes to remain anonymous.
(20:50) And a miracle is in the eyes of the beholder. (20:52) And I was saying how now we were cleaning out these cupboards and drawers at home (20:57) because Max never throws anything away, (21:00) and we’ve been accumulating stuff for 60 years, (21:03) and the stuff we’ve been accumulating is mostly hers. (21:09) And we have been discarding this stuff and getting rid of it, (21:15) and we’ve been doing this for about two weeks now, (21:18) and we haven’t had a single fight.
(21:22) Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a miracle. (21:29) As a matter of fact, Max and I, the first part of this year, (21:34) our last anniversary last December, (21:37) we decided that this, our 60th year, was going to be the best year of our marriage. (21:46) And we made that bilateral agreement.
(21:49) And we’ve been working on that ever since, (21:52) and not finding fault with each other, (21:56) and not referring to the past, none of this, (22:00) how come you always, or you never, (22:03) or not even pointing out to the other person they’re wrong even when they are. (22:08) And we’ve been together, this December, it’ll be 60 years. (22:24) You’re nowhere near as impressed as we are.
(22:34) In fact, Max and I met when we were four years old. (22:39) My father, without even asking my opinion, (22:44) gave up his job as a druggist in Canton, Ohio, (22:47) and he bought a house-drugstore combination in Alliance, Ohio, (22:51) and I grew up in a neighborhood drugstore, (22:54) and better living through chemistry was a way of life. (22:57) It’s true.
(22:59) They didn’t have Medicare and all that at that time, (23:02) and when people were ill, they’d go to their friendly neighborhood druggist (23:05) and tell him how they felt, (23:06) and he would sell them something to make them get well, (23:11) or something to make them not care that they weren’t getting well, (23:17) which is what doctors do today. (23:19) And I grew up knowing that if I didn’t feel well, (23:26) or there was something wrong, (23:27) there was always something that you put in your system (23:30) to make you feel better, (23:31) and better living through chemistry was a way of life. (23:33) And that was important to my future life, (23:35) but not as important as the fact that next door to the drugstore (23:39) is where Grandma Genslein was raising her orphan granddaughter Maxine.
(23:46) And she was raising Maxine, (23:48) and she also had two alcoholic sons, (23:51) and they were alcoholics. (23:52) The Genslein boys were alcoholics. (23:55) And later on, Max was raised by an aunt, (23:58) and she was married to an alcoholic.
(24:02) And so there was all the alcoholism in Max’s side of the family, (24:07) and there was none in my family. (24:16) I’m an alcoholic by marriage. (24:29) I wasn’t an alcoholic when I married her.
(24:39) I was talking about cleaning out the drawers, (24:42) and I saw this card that somebody had sent me. (24:45) I don’t know what this occasion was, (24:48) but it was a card where you’d cut part of it off, (24:51) and it showed this doctor in a surgeon’s scrub suit, (24:56) and mask, and so on. (24:57) And he had a tank of nitrous oxide gas, (25:02) and a hose, and a mask, (25:03) and he was about to give himself a little gas.
(25:07) And the reason this guy, this other doctor, had sent me this card (25:12) was because he remembered my story that I had told. (25:16) You know, on the list of things in the book, (25:20) of things we have tried, (25:22) one reminded me that way, way back, (25:26) way, many, many years before I became an alcoholic, (25:31) I was trying to do something about my drinking. (25:38) And I was reading a medical journal, (25:43) a psychiatric medical journal, (25:46) and it had an article on how they thought that (25:50) carbon dioxide inhalations were a good treatment for psychoneurosis.
(25:56) That’s what psychiatrists do. (25:58) They’re always looking for chemicals to put into us people (26:03) to make life easier for us to live it, and get along better. (26:08) Well, they don’t realize we’ve tried everything there is.
(26:10) But here was an article that says (26:13) if you breathe enough carbon dioxide inhalations, (26:17) it’s good for psychoneurosis. (26:18) And I thought, well, I’m certainly not one of those dumb alcoholics, (26:23) but I do have a bit of a drinking problem, (26:26) and I might have a tinge of neurosis. (26:30) I would have to try this, (26:32) but I thought, well, I can’t go to some doctor and say, (26:36) I’d like to get gassed.
(26:41) And while I’m here, (26:42) I didn’t know any doctor that knew more about it than I did. (26:44) I just read the article. (26:49) The thing about carbon dioxide is, (26:52) it’s like that idea of putting a plastic or other pillow (26:57) or bag over your head.
(27:00) The more carbon dioxide stimulates your breathing, (27:04) the more carbon dioxide there is in the air, (27:06) the harder you’ll breathe. (27:08) And the harder you breathe, (27:09) the more carbon dioxide you’re putting in the thing (27:11) so that you just breathe harder and harder and harder and harder and harder and harder and harder. (27:15) And the lights are flashing, and the lightning’s going, (27:18) and the bells are ringing, and the thing’s on.
(27:19) And finally your brain explodes, and you pass out. (27:25) And I thought, by God, that ought to be good for something. (27:37) Well, I couldn’t go to any doctor, as I said, (27:40) and tell them I wanted that, (27:41) besides I didn’t know that they had any carbon dioxide.
(27:43) So I called up the gas company (27:45) and I ordered a tank of carbon dioxide gas. (27:51) And the guy drives up in this great big truck, (27:53) and they’re used to delivering it to hospitals, (27:56) but here he brings it to our home. (27:58) And he brings it.
(27:59) It must be as big as a man. (28:00) It must weigh a couple hundred pounds. (28:03) And he has it on a dolly, (28:04) and he rolls it up to the front door of the house (28:06) and says, where do you want this? (28:09) I says, well, at the head of the bed in the master bedroom.
(28:20) And, you know, (28:23) where the devil would you think I’d want it? (28:27) So here I have the tank of gas, (28:28) and I have the hose, and I have the mask, (28:30) but I had one little problem. (28:32) And that is that once I breathe hard and hard and hard (28:35) and the lights flash, and the bells ring, (28:36) blah, blah, blah, and I pass out, (28:39) I don’t know what would happen (28:40) if he doesn’t take the mask off. (28:41) And there’s nobody around that I could get to take it off (28:50) except Max.
(28:52) So I get it all set up. (28:54) I go in the bedroom. (28:55) I’m in the living room, (28:57) and she’s watching television, (28:59) and I say, I’m going to put this on.
(29:01) I’m going to breathe harder and harder and harder and harder, (29:03) and the thing’s going to happen. (29:04) I’m going to pass out, (29:06) and when I pass out, (29:07) would you please take the mask off (29:11) and turn the gas off? (29:17) And she said, all right. (29:34) So after a full evening of drinking and pills-taking, (29:38) I decided it was time to go to beddy-bye.
(29:42) I lay on the bed, put the mask on, (29:44) and turn the gas on, (29:46) and I breathe faster and faster and faster and faster (29:48) and faster and faster and faster and faster, (29:49) and the lights are ringing, (29:50) and the lightening’s flashing, (29:51) and blah, blah, blah, (29:52) and the bells are ringing, (29:53) and all of a sudden, boom, (29:54) my brain explodes, and I pass out. (30:03) When the next commercial came on, (30:10) I had to go to bed. (30:24) Anyway, it didn’t work.
(30:36) I tried other things. (30:38) I tried all kinds of things. (30:42) In fact, I had no trouble quitting drinking.
(30:45) I had trouble staying quit. (30:49) The thing that bothered me the most was, (30:50) I think one of the things that bothered me the most was, (30:52) I’d wake up in the morning and think, (30:53) oh, my God, I did it again. (30:57) I did it again last night.
(31:00) This is ridiculous. (31:02) This drinking is, this is ridiculous. (31:05) I mean, this is bad for me.
(31:08) My blood pressure’s up. (31:10) My cholesterol’s up. (31:11) My blood sugar’s up.
(31:12) I’m taking diabetes pills. (31:13) I’m taking uric acid pills. (31:15) All this time, I’ve got diarrhea.
(31:18) I’ve got nausea and vomiting. (31:19) I’ve got an ulcer, and I’ve got skin diseases, (31:22) and my hair’s falling out, (31:23) and all these things. (31:25) I mean, this drinking is not good for me.
(31:32) I’m going to quit. (31:34) I’m going to quit. (31:36) That’s it.
(31:37) I quit. (31:37) This is enough. (31:38) This is enough of that.
(31:39) I quit. (31:41) I quit. (31:44) I’m glad I quit.
(31:49) This is going to be a better day. (31:53) I’ll close one eye so I can shave, (31:55) and take a few pills so I can get to work. (32:02) I go through the day and not drink.
(32:04) I think, boy, I’m sure glad I quit. (32:08) I’m glad I don’t drink. (32:10) I wish I’d have done this a long time ago.
(32:12) I’m glad I quit. (32:17) I go through the day. (32:18) I’m glad I don’t drink anymore.
(32:23) And on the way home from the office, (32:25) the car would stop at a liquor store. (32:28) And in the morning, I’d wake up, (32:31) and I’d think, my God, I did it again. (32:34) I did it again.
(32:38) It was as though somebody quit, (32:42) and somebody else kept on drinking. (32:45) I had not had the slightest discussion with myself (32:50) as to whether or not I was going to change my mind. (32:55) It wasn’t as if I changed my mind.
(32:57) It was as if somebody else changed their mind. (32:59) In fact, it’s as if I was going through life on a tour bus, (33:08) and as if the driver would drive for a while, (33:13) and he’d stop and go to the restroom or something, (33:17) and one of the passengers would get up and start driving (33:20) without having asked the driver where we were going. (33:23) And different people would drive at different times (33:25) with no communication with each other, (33:28) and at the end of the thing, (33:30) we’d wonder why we never got anywhere.
(33:34) In fact, my life’s been like that ever since. (33:39) You’re sitting there very attentively listening, (33:42) and I really appreciate that. (33:49) But there’s a lot of people here, (33:50) but there’s not any more people out here (33:53) than there are in here.
(33:59) You’re very quiet, but up there, (34:01) I’m trying to talk in a sensible, (34:04) kind of a train of thought, as they say it, (34:06) or something like that, or a sensible little train, (34:09) and one of them will jump up and start saying, (34:11) well, talk about blah, blah, blah, blah. (34:12) And before I can even think about it, (34:14) the other one says, no, no, don’t talk about that, (34:15) talk about this, blah, blah, blah. (34:17) And before I can talk about that, (34:18) a third one jumps in, no, no, don’t talk about this, (34:20) don’t talk about that.
(34:20) And pretty soon, they’re fighting among themselves (34:22) about what I ought to be talking about. (34:25) And you have no idea how distracting that can be. (34:35) And I’ll say, oh, shut up up there.
(34:38) And they all shut up, (34:40) and I can’t think of anything to say. (34:51) In fact, I’ll go through the day, (34:53) and at the end of the day, (34:53) my body will go to sleep, (34:55) and my brain will say, (34:56) no, let’s lie here and talk about it for a while. (35:03) So I’ll get to sleep, (35:04) and about three, four, (35:05) three o’clock in the morning, (35:06) they’ll say, hey, wake up, (35:07) we’ve had an emergency meeting, (35:08) and we need to talk to you.
(35:17) You know that thing, (35:18) you thought you handled so well today? (35:20) It wasn’t like that at all. (35:25) Wait till morning, you’ll find out. (35:29) And I’ll think, oh, God, (35:31) I don’t want to listen to that stuff, (35:33) and I’ll roll over and go back to sleep.
(35:38) And just as I’m about to lose consciousness, (35:42) I’ll think to myself, (35:44) boy, I’m glad I’m not thinking about that anymore. (35:50) And one of them will say, (35:51) oh, I’m glad you’re still awake. (35:55) We’ve decided you’re one of the dumbest people (35:57) we’ve ever worked with.
(35:59) You keep doing the same dumb thing (36:02) over and over again. (36:03) Let’s spend the rest of the night (36:05) flying here and making lists (36:06) of stupid things you have done. (36:14) There are people up there (36:16) that have an opinion (36:18) on every side of every issue.
(36:21) Nothing is simple. (36:23) There are at least two sides to everything. (36:26) Even my relationship with Max (36:31) doesn’t depend on what she does.
(36:34) It depends on who I listen to (36:37) who tell me what she does. (36:42) There’s one of them up there (36:43) that’s obsessed with her. (36:47) As long as I’ve known her, (36:48) he’s been obsessed with her.
(36:50) He loves to watch her (36:51) and tell me what she just did (36:55) and make comments on it. (37:00) Did you notice the tone of voice (37:02) in which she just spoke to you? (37:09) He’s obsessed with her (37:10) and he doesn’t really care that much for her. (37:19) But, you know, (37:20) there’s another one up there (37:21) that’s just as obsessed.
(37:22) He’s watched her just as much (37:23) and loves to report back to her. (37:25) He’s got a softer voice, (37:27) but he thinks she’s just wonderful. (37:29) He thinks she’s got a great sense of humor, (37:31) very spiritual.
(37:33) He thinks she does a great job. (37:35) He likes to remind me (37:37) that she’s the one (37:38) that kept coming to AA meetings (37:40) when I wasn’t going to go anymore. (37:42) She used to go by herself.
(37:47) As I say, my life with Max (37:50) doesn’t depend on what she does. (37:51) It depends on which of those guys (37:53) I listen to as to what she does. (37:59) My sobriety depends on (38:00) when I listen to the people (38:04) who want to see me sober (38:05) and the one person up there (38:07) that represents my disease (38:09) that likes to see me drink.
(38:13) I hear a lot of stuff up there (38:15) that’s ridiculous. (38:17) A lot of this stuff is illegal. (38:23) And a lot of it is lewd.
(38:29) I’m absolutely delighted (38:31) that you can’t hear (38:33) what I’ve got to listen to. (38:35) You may not like what you hear, (38:37) but you’re better off (38:38) than what I’ve got to listen to. (38:42) It goes on and on, day and night.
(38:48) There’s one up there, (38:49) as a matter of fact, (38:53) it seems like there are many of them, (38:55) maybe it’s just one, (38:57) but there’s a lot of talking (38:58) and he’s afraid. (39:00) He’s afraid of everything. (39:01) No matter what it is, (39:03) to lead a meeting, (39:04) to speak at a meeting, (39:05) to come to AA, (39:06) to sponsor somebody, (39:07) to ask somebody to be your sponsor, (39:09) whatever it is, (39:10) that you say, (39:10) oh my God, don’t do that, (39:11) you’ll screw it up, (39:12) and they’ll all laugh at you.
(39:14) And everyone has been that way (39:15) all my life. (39:16) Oh my God, don’t do that, (39:17) you’ll screw it up. (39:18) You can’t do that, (39:19) you can’t do that.
(39:20) And yet I find that here (39:22) in the program (39:23) I’ve come to realize (39:24) there’s a voice up there (39:27) that says, (39:28) man, with this program, (39:31) as long as you’re sober, (39:33) you can go anywhere, (39:35) do anything, (39:35) face anybody, (39:37) and nobody can hurt you. (39:39) Nobody can hurt you. (39:40) In fact, there’s no way (39:41) anybody can hurt you (39:42) except to get you drunk.
(39:44) And this program (39:45) is so strong, (39:46) so vibrant, (39:47) that nobody can get you, (39:48) no circumstances (39:49) can get you drunk. (39:51) And my life depends (39:52) on who I listen to (39:53) in those voices, (39:54) not, (39:55) and I hear a lot, (39:57) I say, (39:57) lewd and illegal things, (39:59) and I hear a lot of nonsense, (40:01) but I used to fight (40:02) all those voices, (40:03) but now all I say is, (40:04) well, thank you (40:05) for participating, (40:06) now if you’ll sit down, (40:06) we’ll call on somebody else. (40:10) Or sometimes they get the thought, (40:11) and I think, (40:11) you guys need a meeting, (40:12) let’s go to a meeting.
(40:20) So, anyhow, (40:22) I don’t know why, (40:23) but I ended up (40:24) in the nutwork. (40:30) Not very funny. (40:33) Somebody asked, (40:34) what kind of doctor you are? (40:35) And I was an internist, (40:37) a specialist in diagnosis, (40:40) as a diagnostician.
(40:42) When doctors had patients, (40:43) they didn’t know what to do with them, (40:44) they weren’t getting well, (40:46) they’d send them to me, (40:47) I’d make a diagnosis, (40:48) tell them how to treat them, (40:49) and I was a consultant. (40:52) But I was getting sicker and sicker, (40:53) and I had convulsions (40:54) a couple of times, (40:55) and I was losing weight, (40:56) and I had daily headaches, (40:57) and a sense of impending insanity, (40:59) and I was getting sicker and sicker, (41:01) and I thought, (41:01) my God, (41:03) you need a good medical workup. (41:06) Can I see a good diagnostician? (41:09) Well, (41:13) I was the best diagnostician I knew.
(41:17) I did some lab work on me, (41:18) I did a bit of physical examination, (41:20) I sat down and had a consultation with me. (41:24) I remember the headaches, (41:25) and the convulsions, (41:27) and the weight loss, (41:28) and the sense of impending insanity, (41:30) it was obvious. (41:32) I had a brain tumor, (41:38) and I would die, (41:39) and then you’d all be sorry.
(41:43) And you’d think, (41:44) you’d laugh, (41:45) and yet I was under the care (41:46) of the most prominent neurologist (41:47) in Orange County, (41:49) and he was treating me (41:50) with Dilantin and Phenobarbital (41:51) for epilepsy. (41:59) And he didn’t think to ask me (42:01) if I drank, (42:01) and I didn’t think to tell him. (42:04) And he had trained at the Mayo Clinic, (42:06) and so what he decided to do, (42:08) that I must have a brain tumor, (42:09) he sent me back to the Mayo Clinic, (42:11) and Max was talking about that (42:12) at the meeting this afternoon, (42:15) and that’s where she went (42:16) and squealed to the neurosurgeon.
(42:27) And you’re laughing, (42:28) but the truth is, (42:30) so she squealed to the neurosurgeon, (42:31) and that’s how I ended up (42:32) in the nut ward of the Mayo Clinic. (42:34) And as they say, (42:35) you were laughing (42:37) when several years later, (42:38) I was talking at an IDAA convention, (42:42) International Doctors in AA. (42:44) Isn’t that an impressive title (42:46) for a bunch of drunk doctors? (42:50) And I told this story, (42:51) and he was on the staff (42:54) at the Mayo Clinic, (42:55) and he did what he’s not allowed to do.
(42:57) He went back, (42:58) he went to the record room, (42:59) he pulled my record (43:00) and got out the letter (43:01) that was sent to the doctor (43:03) that sent me to the Mayo Clinic (43:05) and sent me a copy of it. (43:07) And what it said was (43:09) that the doctor in the final report (43:12) said that it was too bad (43:14) that Dr. Oliger suffered (43:17) from a condition (43:17) which is much too common (43:19) in our profession, (43:21) alcoholism and addiction (43:23) to medications, (43:25) and one for which (43:27) we have no adequate treatment. (43:30) It never occurred to them (43:32) to send me to AA, (43:34) and at that time, (43:34) they didn’t even have (43:35) an alcoholism treatment program, (43:36) even though it’s a big Mayo Clinic.
(43:38) And later on they did. (43:40) I don’t know if they still do or not, (43:41) but I would still be sitting there, (43:43) I guess, (43:43) if I hadn’t signed out of the place. (43:46) But they didn’t know (43:48) what to do with me, (43:48) and this was back (43:49) in the end of 66.
(43:55) And I signed out of that dump. (44:00) No, I mean, I did. (44:01) It was at Christmas time in 1966, (44:04) and it might be a Christmas, (44:06) the Mayo Clinic might be a good place, (44:08) but don’t go there at Christmas time.
(44:10) If you get in a nut ward (44:11) at Christmas time, (44:12) and they make you (44:13) iced Christmas cookies. (44:16) I remember the woman in white (44:19) came to my cell (44:20) and marched me down the hall (44:22) to the Christmas cookie icing party. (44:26) She would steer my hand (44:27) into the icing, (44:29) and we’d smash it onto a cookie.
(44:33) I don’t have any cookies. (44:35) We crumbled before I told her (44:36) what she could do (44:37) with her God-darned cookies. (44:42) And I went back to my cell.
(44:46) And I signed out of that place, (44:49) and you can’t sign out of a nut ward (44:51) unless you have somebody (44:52) to sign a receipt for you. (44:53) And there wasn’t anybody there (44:55) except my two little kids and Max, (44:57) and Max wasn’t being very cooperative. (45:00) Finally, I told her, (45:01) by God, if she didn’t sign me out, (45:03) I’d never speak to her again (45:04) as long as I lived.
(45:06) And that got her. (45:09) She’s lived to regret her decision. (45:14) She signed out, (45:15) we left out, (45:15) went back to California (45:16) where they treat me (45:17) with more respect.
(45:21) And the thing I liked (45:22) about icing Christmas cookies (45:23) was when I was a little kid (45:24) back in the line, (45:25) my oldest sister had a thing (45:26) about Christmas cookies. (45:28) She had a big thing (45:29) about icing the prettiest. (45:32) They had a Christmas cookie (45:34) decorating contest.
(45:36) And she had cookie cutters. (45:37) She had Christmas trees (45:39) and reindeers (45:40) and angels and saints (45:41) and slanders (45:42) and all this cookie crap (45:43) and Christmas stuff (45:45) and all kinds of sprinkles (45:46) and toppings (45:47) and all this stuff. (45:48) And we’d have a contest (45:50) to see who could ice (45:51) the prettiest Christmas cookie.
(45:54) I did not like (45:55) icing Christmas cookies (45:57) when I was a little kid (45:59) back in Alliance, Ohio. (46:01) And I didn’t like (46:02) icing Christmas cookies (46:03) when I was a big-shot doctor (46:05) on the nut ward (46:06) of the California. (46:13) Went back to California, (46:14) went in to, (46:15) saw this, (46:16) told the neurologist (46:17) about the nut ward.
(46:18) He spent, (46:19) he said, (46:20) he sent me to see (46:21) a psychiatrist (46:22) there at home (46:23) and the psychiatrist (46:24) talked to Max, (46:26) talked to me (46:27) for 45 minutes, (46:28) talked to Max (46:29) for 10 minutes (46:29) and locked me up (46:31) in the local nut ward. (46:35) And they wanted me (46:36) to make leather belts. (46:43) They were real fanatics (46:44) on the leather belts.
(46:48) You make a leather belt, (46:49) by God, (46:50) it’s part of the program. (46:53) I’m sure even to this day (46:54) if you had a Senate investigation (46:56) of that place, (46:57) I bet you’d find (46:57) that people have been there (46:58) for years (46:59) and they won’t let them out (46:59) until they make a leather belt. (47:04) They used to even try (47:04) to convince me (47:05) that the quality of my life (47:07) would improve (47:07) if I learned how to make (47:11) a leather belt.
(47:13) I didn’t understand (47:14) the philosophy (47:16) and besides, (47:17) I didn’t understand (47:17) the instructions, (47:20) which wasn’t my fault. (47:21) That was all that dumb (47:22) occupational therapist (47:23) because I’m always told (47:24) if you don’t understand (47:25) a thing well enough (47:25) you can explain it to me (47:26) so that I understand it (47:27) and you don’t understand (47:27) as well as you’re supposed to. (47:30) She explained it to me (47:31) three times (47:32) and I wasn’t going (47:33) to embarrass her (47:33) by asking her to explain it (47:35) to me a fourth time.
(47:38) Oh, and the thing about (47:39) the psychiatrist (47:40) that they sent me to, (47:42) he put me in a nut ward. (47:47) To me, (47:48) it’s an illustration (47:49) of the power. (47:51) One of thousands (47:52) and thousands of stories (47:54) I love drunkologues (47:55) because they’re all (47:57) illustrations (47:57) of the power (47:58) of this program.
(48:00) But this was (48:01) an illustration (48:01) of the power (48:02) of the program (48:03) in a non-alcoholic. (48:05) This man (48:06) is a psychiatrist (48:08) there in town (48:09) and he, (48:10) when he was in training (48:12) to become a psychiatrist, (48:14) somebody got the idea (48:16) that he would be (48:17) somehow a better psychiatrist (48:19) if he went to (48:20) two or three AA meetings (48:21) as part of his (48:22) residency training program. (48:24) And he went to (48:25) these AA meetings (48:26) and he was so impressed (48:27) with what he saw (48:28) in AA (48:29) that that now (48:31) is his favorite (48:33) activity (48:33) to run around (48:35) with his butterfly net (48:37) and capture alcoholics (48:40) and send them (48:41) to Alcoholics Anonymous.
(48:43) And then he won’t even see them (48:45) for the first year. (48:47) After a year of sobriety, (48:48) if they’re still flaky enough, (48:50) then he’ll see (48:51) if he can help them. (48:51) But he says he will not (48:53) try to do for somebody (48:55) what AA can do (48:56) better than he can do.
(48:57) He’s a real (49:02) promoter (49:02) of Alcoholics Anonymous (49:03) just because of (49:04) going to those few meetings. (49:06) And (49:07) anyhow, there I was (49:08) sitting in the network (49:11) commiserating with myself (49:12) at the (49:14) series of (49:15) misdiagnoses (49:17) and poor medical management (49:19) and bad breaks. (49:21) A nice guy like me was (49:24) accidentally (49:25) in a place like that.
(49:29) Well, I was thinking (49:30) these thoughts, (49:32) I thought, (49:33) dumb psychiatrist (49:34) who couldn’t say that my problems (49:36) were strictly marital (49:37) walked up behind me (49:38) and wanted to know (49:40) if I’d be willing (49:41) to talk to a man (49:43) from Alcoholics Anonymous. (49:46) And I thought, (49:47) God almighty, (49:49) don’t I have enough (49:50) problems of my own (49:51) without trying to help (49:52) some drunk from AA. (50:02) But I could tell (50:03) by the look on his face (50:04) that he thought it was (50:05) a good idea.
(50:07) And I don’t know (50:08) if you know that or not, (50:09) but happiness on a network (50:10) is having a happy psychiatrist. (50:15) And I was willing to go (50:16) to any length (50:16) to make him happy. (50:17) And I said yes.
(50:21) In no time at all, (50:22) this clown comes (50:23) galloping into the room, (50:24) yelling at the top (50:25) of his voice, (50:26) My name is Frank (50:27) and I’m an alcoholic. (50:28) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. (50:34) I was real embarrassed for him.
(50:42) Why don’t you (50:43) lower your voice, man, (50:45) for God’s sake. (50:47) People all think I’m a nut. (50:49) Why don’t we leave it at that.
(50:53) And he told his (50:54) whole story. (50:56) All I know was (50:58) it was in a loud voice (50:59) and it was long. (51:02) And I don’t remember (51:03) any of it except (51:04) how it ended.
(51:05) And he ended up (51:06) by saying, (51:07) Well, that’s my story. (51:08) I’m going to a meeting tonight. (51:09) Would you like to go along? (51:11) And I said, (51:12) Hell no, (51:13) I wouldn’t like it.
(51:15) But I’ll go, (51:16) because I figured (51:16) he’d go back and (51:17) squeal to that (51:18) dumb psychiatrist. (51:21) We went off to the meeting (51:22) and I don’t know (51:23) what meeting we were at. (51:24) I don’t know how many (51:25) meetings we were at (51:25) before I knew (51:26) what meeting we were at.
(51:28) But I know that meeting (51:29) had a profound effect (51:31) on the psychiatrist. (51:38) He now is (51:40) suspiciously real (51:41) interested in my case. (51:43) What’s this about a book? (51:45) What’s this about AA? (51:46) What’s this about steps? (51:48) What’s this about meetings? (51:49) How often do they (51:49) have meetings? (51:50) What other kind of (51:51) meetings do they have? (51:52) When are you going (51:53) to the meeting next time? (51:55) I thought, (51:55) My God, (51:58) I’ve got me (51:58) an alcoholic psychiatrist.
(52:05) He’s ashamed to go, (52:06) so he’s sending me. (52:14) I had no idea (52:16) how many meetings (52:16) I’d have to go to (52:17) before I could (52:18) get him sober, (52:19) but I asked Frank (52:21) to take me every night, (52:22) and Frank was very (52:23) good about that. (52:23) He should take me (52:24) every night (52:24) except Friday.
(52:25) Friday he thought (52:26) maybe he wouldn’t be, (52:27) he thought he might (52:28) be having a date (52:29) with his now (52:30) wife Carolyn. (52:32) And I thought, (52:33) Well, that’s a crappy (52:34) way to run (52:35) an organization. (52:36) Now, I reported (52:37) him to the psychiatrist.
(52:40) You’ve got somebody (52:41) else to take me (52:42) on Friday night, (52:43) and I went tough enough, (52:43) I got enough brownie points, (52:45) finally got discharged (52:46) from the hospital, (52:47) I had no intention (52:47) of going back to AAA again. (52:49) Why would I go back there (52:50) if I’m not an alcoholic? (52:52) The only problem (52:53) I had was that (52:54) Max liked the meetings. (52:57) She’s not even (52:57) an alcoholic, (52:58) but she liked (52:59) the meetings.
(53:00) I’d say, (53:01) Let’s go to a movie. (53:02) She’d say, (53:03) No, no, no, (53:03) let’s go to an AA meeting. (53:05) She thought (53:06) they were funny.
(53:12) Of course, (53:12) once I found out (53:14) she liked them, (53:15) then if she wouldn’t (53:16) shape up, (53:16) I decided I wasn’t (53:17) going to go to AA anymore. (53:24) But she did, (53:26) she couldn’t drive (53:27) the freeway, (53:28) and she was afraid (53:29) of driving it, (53:30) but we lived (53:31) in Anaheim, (53:32) we went to meetings (53:32) in Laguna Beach, (53:33) so we wouldn’t run (53:33) anybody we knew, (53:35) and she couldn’t (53:36) drive that far, (53:37) but she could get (53:37) in the car. (53:44) If you have any (53:44) drinking problems, (53:45) come on in.
(53:57) You want to be careful, (53:58) this is a contagious (53:59) disease. (54:02) You’re liable (54:02) to catch it, (54:03) and that’s how (54:04) I got it, (54:05) because I wasn’t (54:05) an alcoholic. (54:10) Anyhow, (54:11) she went off (54:14) to the meeting (54:14) by herself.
(54:17) Have you ever (54:17) had that, (54:18) have you ever been (54:19) in that position, (54:20) on a Saturday night, (54:22) you’re sitting (54:23) at home, (54:24) drinking, (54:25) while your (54:26) non-alcoholic spouse (54:28) is off, (54:29) laughing it up (54:30) at an AA meeting? (54:35) I thought it was (54:36) very rude. (54:41) I had to go back (54:42) to find out what (54:42) the alcoholics (54:43) were laughing about, (54:45) and it didn’t make (54:46) sense to me. (54:47) God, they were laughing (54:48) at things they (54:49) ought to be ashamed of.
(54:51) They would cry (54:52) at things they (54:53) ought to be laughing (54:53) about, (54:54) and it was weird (54:56) to me. (54:58) But I used to (54:59) keep going back (55:00) to the meetings (55:01) to see what she (55:02) was doing, (55:02) and trying to (55:03) figure it out. (55:04) It took seven months.
(55:08) I went to meetings (55:09) for seven months, (55:11) and I went to one (55:12) meeting too many, (55:14) and I turned into (55:16) a very mild (55:17) alcoholic. (55:25) Right about that time, (55:27) some woman stood up (55:28) at an AA podium (55:28) and said that, (55:30) she says, (55:31) I was judging me (55:33) by my intentions, (55:35) and the world (55:36) was judging me (55:36) by my actions. (55:39) And I was sorry (55:40) she said that, (55:42) because I am (55:44) undoubtedly (55:45) one of the best (55:46) intentioned people (55:47) you’ll ever meet.
(55:50) No, really, I’m very (55:51) proud of my (55:51) intentions. (55:55) Very proud of my (55:56) good intentions, (55:57) but when I (55:59) set aside (56:00) my intentions (56:01) and just looked at (56:03) what there was (56:04) to look at, (56:05) she said, (56:06) I didn’t like (56:08) what I saw at all. (56:09) But I was, (56:12) my (56:14) most prominent (56:16) attitude (56:17) and feeling (56:19) and impression (56:20) of being around (56:22) AA was, (56:23) I was ashamed.
(56:24) I was ashamed (56:25) to be here. (56:27) I was ashamed (56:28) for them out there (56:29) to know I was here. (56:31) I was ashamed (56:32) for you to know (56:33) I was here.
(56:34) And (56:35) I was even ashamed (56:37) of (56:38) you and your (56:41) simplistic (56:43) little (56:44) itsy-bitsy (56:45) goals. (56:48) Yeah, I remember (56:49) specifically (56:50) a big (56:51) healthy (56:52) husky (56:53) young (56:53) buck of a guy (56:55) said, (56:56) if I don’t (56:57) drink today, (56:58) I’m a success (56:59) today. (57:01) And I said, (57:02) oh my God.
(57:06) Big damn (57:07) deal. (57:09) You didn’t drink (57:11) a beer today. (57:12) Isn’t that great? (57:13) You know, (57:13) that’s the way you think (57:14) when you’re still drinking (57:15) for God’s sake.
(57:19) There was a lot (57:20) of that. (57:21) I was really ashamed (57:22) of the (57:23) tiddly goals (57:25) you had (57:25) and you (57:26) congratulated (57:27) yourself on these (57:28) things. (57:30) And (57:30) the one day, (57:32) one day, (57:34) the thought (57:34) occurred to me, (57:37) if this is (57:38) the bottom (57:38) of the barrel (57:40) and this is so (57:42) nothing (57:43) a goal, (57:45) how come you can’t (57:47) achieve it? (57:48) And it occurred to me (57:50) that if it’s (57:51) so simplistic, (57:52) so stupid (57:52) and so minor (57:54) and if I can’t (57:55) accomplish that, (57:57) I can’t accomplish (57:58) anything.
(58:00) If I can’t make it (58:01) here, (58:02) if this is the minimum, (58:03) this is the bottom (58:04) and I can’t make it here, (58:05) I have no foundation (58:06) on which to build (58:07) anything. (58:09) And it finally (58:10) became my (58:13) goal (58:14) to be a (58:16) successful member (58:17) of AA. (58:18) Of course, (58:19) then they kept saying, (58:20) stick with the winner, (58:20) stick with the winner, (58:21) stick with the winner.
(58:22) And you don’t do that (58:23) as much as you used to, (58:24) but they used to say (58:25) stick with the winner. (58:25) And I thought, (58:26) well, okay, (58:27) I’m going to be a winner. (58:28) But if I’m going to (58:29) stick with the winners, (58:29) I need to go to (58:30) winning winners.
(58:30) So I talked to (58:31) Chuck C., (58:32) who at that time (58:33) was sober about (58:34) 100 years. (58:35) And I said, (58:37) what’s a winner? (58:38) And I was surprised (58:39) that he had to (58:40) think about it. (58:42) And he said, (58:43) well, (58:43) I guess you have (58:44) to die sober.
(58:47) Die sober? (58:48) I mean, (58:49) I don’t, (58:50) I’ve never been (58:50) enthusiastic about (58:52) any accolades (58:53) so I had to die (58:53) to win. (58:58) I had planned (58:59) for years and years (59:00) and years (59:00) to be a saint. (59:01) And I was really (59:02) working on my (59:03) sainthood.
(59:04) And I’d even (59:05) gotten a big, (59:06) thick book (59:07) of the lives (59:07) of the saints. (59:08) And I was reading (59:09) through it (59:09) to find out (59:09) which one was (59:10) going to be (59:10) my role model. (59:13) And I was (59:14) real enthused (59:15) about being a saint (59:16) until I read (59:16) someplace that (59:17) you couldn’t be (59:18) a saint, (59:18) the church (59:19) didn’t declare you (59:20) a saint until (59:21) you’d been dead (59:22) for 300 years (59:24) or something.
(59:24) And I thought, (59:25) oh, crap. (59:27) I lost (59:29) my sainthood (59:29) right there. (59:32) You laugh, (59:33) you don’t (59:34) take me seriously.
(59:35) I was, (59:35) I had a, (59:37) I took (59:37) sainthood (59:38) so seriously (59:38) I had a (59:39) humility belt. (59:40) I had taken (59:41) a leather belt (59:42) about so wide (59:44) and I’d put (59:44) tacks through (59:46) the belt (59:46) with the (59:47) points pointing (59:48) in. (59:49) It wasn’t (59:50) the belt (59:50) that you used (59:51) to hold your (59:51) trousers up, (59:52) you put it (59:53) underneath your (59:54) clothes so (59:54) that the (59:55) tacks dug (59:56) into you (59:56) and you’d (59:58) bleed.
(59:59) And I got (1:00:01) tremendous (1:00:01) humility (1:00:02) out of that (1:00:03) belt. (1:00:05) You’d bleed (1:00:05) and the (1:00:06) blood, you (1:00:07) could feel it (1:00:08) running down (1:00:08) your thighs (1:00:09) and it’d (1:00:11) go into (1:00:11) your shoes (1:00:12) and if you (1:00:12) wore it (1:00:13) long enough (1:00:14) there was (1:00:14) enough blood (1:00:15) that you (1:00:15) would squish (1:00:16) as you (1:00:17) walked. (1:00:19) I got (1:00:20) tremendous (1:00:21) humility (1:00:22) out of that (1:00:23) belt.
(1:00:24) I never wore (1:00:25) it because (1:00:26) it was (1:00:26) uncomfortable. (1:00:33) I was (1:00:34) sincere. (1:00:38) Anyhow, (1:00:39) I thought, (1:00:40) well, (1:00:40) I won’t (1:00:40) be a (1:00:41) winner, (1:00:42) but I’m (1:00:42) going to (1:00:42) be a (1:00:42) successful (1:00:43) member (1:00:43) of (1:00:44) A. (1:00:44) I didn’t (1:00:44) talk to (1:00:44) anybody else (1:00:45) about this, (1:00:45) I didn’t (1:00:45) make an (1:00:46) issue out (1:00:47) of it, (1:00:47) but I (1:00:49) decided I (1:00:50) was going (1:00:50) to be a (1:00:50) successful (1:00:51) member of (1:00:51) A. (1:00:51) And over (1:00:52) the years (1:00:52) I’ve, to (1:00:52) some extent, (1:00:54) changed my (1:00:54) definition of (1:00:55) what a (1:00:55) successful (1:00:55) member of (1:00:56) A is, (1:00:57) but essentially (1:00:59) I don’t know (1:01:00) any successful (1:01:00) members who (1:01:01) drink or (1:01:02) use drugs.
(1:01:04) So, I’ve (1:01:05) had to say, (1:01:05) so even to (1:01:06) this day, (1:01:07) even to this (1:01:08) day, that’s (1:01:09) my goal, (1:01:10) and if I (1:01:11) have to make a, (1:01:12) when I make a (1:01:13) decision of which (1:01:14) course to take on (1:01:15) something, instead (1:01:16) of doing it the (1:01:17) old way where I (1:01:18) figure, now, if I (1:01:19) do this, you’ll (1:01:20) do that, but (1:01:22) then maybe you (1:01:23) won’t, so maybe (1:01:24) I’d better do (1:01:24) this, and so, (1:01:25) but then again (1:01:26) maybe I’ll do (1:01:27) this over here, (1:01:28) and what I did, (1:01:29) depending on what I (1:01:30) thought you were going (1:01:30) to do, depending on (1:01:31) what I did, which (1:01:32) is, in case you (1:01:33) don’t recognize it, (1:01:34) it’s a manipulation, (1:01:35) and if you didn’t (1:01:36) recognize it, you’re (1:01:37) not even an (1:01:38) alcoholic or an (1:01:38) Al-Anon. (1:01:42) But, in fact, I (1:01:43) remember at one of (1:01:44) my early Al-Anon (1:01:45) meetings, a woman (1:01:46) said, the more (1:01:49) you try to (1:01:50) control another (1:01:51) person, the more (1:01:52) you are under (1:01:53) that person’s (1:01:54) control, because (1:01:56) if how you (1:01:57) feel or what (1:01:57) you do next (1:01:58) depends on what (1:01:59) that person does or (1:02:00) does not do, whatever (1:02:01) it is you’re trying (1:02:02) to get them to do (1:02:03) or not do, then (1:02:05) if you follow (1:02:06) that, you’re an (1:02:06) alcoholic for an (1:02:07) Al-Anon. (1:02:11) So, anyway, and so (1:02:12) today, instead of (1:02:13) doing that, I only (1:02:13) have one half of (1:02:14) the equation, and (1:02:16) all I have to ask (1:02:16) myself is, what’s (1:02:17) my motive? (1:02:20) What’s my motive (1:02:21) in doing this? (1:02:23) And I (1:02:24) operate on the (1:02:25) thing, if my (1:02:25) motive is right, (1:02:27) and I leave the (1:02:28) results up to (1:02:28) God, and I (1:02:29) turn out exactly (1:02:30) the way they’re (1:02:31) supposed to.
(1:02:32) It may not be the (1:02:32) way I would have (1:02:33) picked it to turn (1:02:34) out, but it turned (1:02:35) out the way it’s (1:02:36) supposed to. (1:02:37) And so I only have (1:02:38) one half of the (1:02:38) equation. (1:02:39) I don’t have to (1:02:39) worry about your (1:02:40) half, and on my (1:02:42) side, all I have to (1:02:43) do is figure out, (1:02:44) what’s my motive? (1:02:45) Pardon me, and (1:02:46) love is always (1:02:47) the right motive.
(1:02:50) Okay? (1:02:50) And one of the (1:02:50) things I know is (1:02:51) that usually I’ll (1:02:52) think, well, love (1:02:53) is my motive, and (1:02:54) some of my little (1:02:55) voice will say, (1:02:56) yeah, but you also (1:02:56) want this, you also (1:02:57) want that. (1:02:58) And the truth is, I (1:02:59) have lots of motives (1:03:00) on any one thing, (1:03:01) but I am the one (1:03:02) that decides, what’s (1:03:03) my main motive? (1:03:06) In fact, I like the (1:03:07) idea that, well, (1:03:13) that’s a dumb (1:03:14) habit. (1:03:16) I look at my (1:03:17) watch to see what (1:03:17) the time is.
(1:03:18) I know it makes (1:03:19) you feel better to (1:03:20) know I’m checking (1:03:21) the time. (1:03:24) I know it makes (1:03:25) know I’m checking (1:03:25) But the truth is, (1:03:27) I don’t know what (1:03:27) time I started. (1:03:35) So you’re screwed, (1:03:37) you know.
(1:03:46) Okay, feel good as (1:03:47) long as you can. (1:03:50) There you go. (1:03:52) I like the theory.
(1:03:54) I read this (1:03:55) book called (1:03:55) Well, it goes (1:03:56) clear back to A (1:03:58) Course in Miracles (1:03:58) and a lot of other (1:03:59) things, but the (1:04:00) people who know (1:04:00) about such things (1:04:01) say that there’s (1:04:03) really only two (1:04:06) emotions, only two (1:04:08) basic emotions, (1:04:10) love and fear, (1:04:13) and all other (1:04:14) emotions are just (1:04:15) variations of one (1:04:16) of those two. (1:04:18) And I like that (1:04:20) simple, I think (1:04:22) simplifying it like (1:04:23) that. (1:04:23) And I can ask (1:04:24) myself, if there (1:04:25) Because my whole (1:04:25) life before the (1:04:26) program was based (1:04:28) on the fact that I (1:04:29) did things because I (1:04:30) was afraid not to do (1:04:31) them, or I didn’t do (1:04:32) things I ought to do (1:04:33) or wanted to do (1:04:33) because I was afraid (1:04:34) to do them.
(1:04:35) And I had a fear-based (1:04:37) life. (1:04:38) And that’s not (1:04:39) conducive to a lot (1:04:41) of joy and happiness. (1:04:43) And today, as I (1:04:44) understand, I do (1:04:45) what’s the loving (1:04:46) thing to do? (1:04:47) What’s the loving (1:04:48) thing to do? (1:04:51) And I ask myself (1:04:52) the question, how (1:04:53) much are you adding (1:04:54) to the total (1:04:55) love in the world (1:04:56) today? (1:05:00) And in AA, I’ve (1:05:02) listened to hear (1:05:03) people say, define (1:05:04) love.
(1:05:06) I remember one (1:05:08) night, I, one (1:05:12) evening, I thought (1:05:13) to myself, what’s (1:05:14) love? (1:05:15) I wonder what (1:05:15) Chuck Segal thinks (1:05:16) love? (1:05:17) And I called him (1:05:17) up, and I said, (1:05:18) what’s your, what’s (1:05:19) your definition of (1:05:21) love? (1:05:23) He says, it’s the (1:05:24) same thing at a (1:05:24) level of (1:05:36) love. (1:05:39) I said, what’s (1:05:43) He says, it’s (1:05:44) action. (1:05:45) Bang! (1:05:45) And he hung (1:05:45) up.
(1:05:47) Love is action. (1:05:48) I remember Don (1:05:49) Gee saying, love (1:05:51) is an active (1:05:53) concern for another (1:05:54) person. (1:05:55) person’s welfare, an active concern for another person’s welfare, which we, it’s something (1:06:01) we are, that’s us, that’s our program, an active concern for the welfare of newcomers (1:06:08) and of each other.
That’s how we show love for each other. Speaking of Nanji, I remember (1:06:16) him saying on the third step, the third step, so the new third step is made a decision to (1:06:22) return our will and our lives to the care of God as we understand Him, made a decision (1:06:26) to do that. He said that he had not made a single mistake since taking the third step.
(1:06:37) He had not made a single mistake since taking the third step. He said, my higher power has (1:06:43) done some really stupid things. Speaking of the third step, I really spend a lot of time (1:07:02) on the third step.
Now I pretty much combine the third step, which is just a decision, (1:07:07) with the eleventh step, which we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious (1:07:14) contact with God. When I did the third step, the first time I did the third step, I was (1:07:18) on my knees in front of my sponsor. I recited the third step of the third step prayer.
The (1:07:23) third step prayer is, God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me (1:07:28) as Thou wilt, relieve me of the bondage to self and so on. In fact, I’ll say that first (1:07:33) thing in the morning, I’ll say it often during the day. Max and I say it when we pray together.
(1:07:38) If I’m going to do something that I’m a bit apprehensive about, I will say to God, God, (1:07:43) I offer myself and this situation to You to do what You will with it. In fact, people (1:07:49) will say to me, you still get nervous when you have to talk. I say, well, I don’t think (1:07:54) of it as nervousness, I think of it as anticipatory anxiety.
And I don’t really get nervous because (1:08:03) I say the third step prayer. I say, God, I offer myself and this situation to You to (1:08:09) do with as You wish. Now, I would like to turn out this phenomenally successfully.
But (1:08:15) if you have it in your mind, if this is the night you’d like to see me make a complete (1:08:21) ass of myself, if that’s the way you want to get your jollies, at least one of us will (1:08:31) have a good time. As a matter of fact, the third step, I remember the first time I really (1:08:38) did the third step. And I said, God, You take this day and You do whatever You want (1:08:45) with it.
And You have come into my life whoever You want to come into my life. And You have (1:08:51) them say whatever You want them to say. And You have them do whatever You want them to (1:08:56) do.
And I’ll know that whatever happens this day and whoever comes into my life and whatever (1:09:02) they say and do, I’ll know that’s Your will for me this day. You go, have a good day, (1:09:09) and I’ll have a good day. And I thought, my God, I wonder how He’s going to handle all (1:09:17) the power I just gave Him.
I had visions of thinking, I’ve been wanting to get You for (1:09:28) a long time, boy. And yet, you know, my experience has been that never on a day that I have said (1:09:35) that has He ever taken advantage of it. Nothing has ever happened that seemed to happen by (1:09:41) mistake that day.
But anyhow, the other thing I did, I did the third step on my knees. (1:09:47) But I thought, you know, that’s a contract between me and God. And it’d be so easy for (1:09:52) either one of us to just quietly rescind that contract unilaterally.
I thought that (1:09:58) would be harder for us to rescind the contract if we had more witnesses. So I went before (1:10:03) my then three home groups, and in front of them, I recited the third step and the third (1:10:08) step prayer, thinking that if there were more witnesses, it would be harder to cancel the (1:10:12) contract. I don’t know if that’s true, but that’s what I tell myself.
And I felt a little (1:10:15) bit better having that many witnesses to the contract. But a thought occurred to me, that’s (1:10:21) just something in, that’s just verbal, just a verbal contract. I’d like, you know, a contract, (1:10:26) really, I’d rather it be in writing.
And so I went to a business supply store, and I bought (1:10:32) a blank form for setting up a limited partnership. And I filled it out, and I gave God a 51% (1:10:43) controlling interest in my life. And he became the general partner, and I the limited partner.
(1:10:54) And I felt much better because, as I could see, that he had it in writing, that he was (1:10:59) in charge. But there was one more thing that happened, one more thing came up, though. (1:11:03) All that really showed was that a partnership exists.
It doesn’t show the terms of the (1:11:07) partnership. It doesn’t show how you handle things. You have to have it in writing as (1:11:13) how to handle the problem before it comes up.
So I had to set up the terms of the partnership. (1:11:18) I got a piece of paper, drew a line down the middle, and on one side I put down, what’s (1:11:22) God’s responsibility? And on the other side, what’s my responsibility? Because I knew, (1:11:29) I wanted him to know that I knew what his responsibility was. And essentially what it (1:11:36) narrowed down to was that he’s in charge of worry, and I was in charge of work.
And (1:11:45) the way it’s turned out is that he doesn’t like for me to even help him with the worry. (1:11:52) And he never does a damn bit of the work. So I tell him, you peddle and I’ll steer.
(1:12:06) I mean, you steer and I’ll peddle, is what I mean. You steer and I’ll peddle. And for (1:12:12) God’s sake, watch where you’re going.
I don’t like some of the places we’ve been. And that’s (1:12:18) the way that goes. Oh, look at my watch to make you feel better again.
(1:12:26) Another thing about this business of love, that I’ve read someplace that love is making (1:12:31) the other person feel important. Notice how often we do that in the program? We make (1:12:37) the newcomers feel important, they are. We make each other feel important.
We make the (1:12:41) people that are participating and doing the work feel important because they are. We make (1:12:46) each other feel important by just remembering names, which I have a terrible time doing, (1:12:51) and by being attentive to each other’s welfare and so on. I thought, with Max, that should (1:13:00) be easy for me to make her feel important.
And I thought, I’ll do things that she’d like (1:13:06) to have done for her. Max likes to wake up to a, well, that’s not true. Max hates to wake (1:13:15) up.
When she does wake up, she likes to wake up to a hot cup of coffee on her bedside (1:13:26) in the sand. Now, she doesn’t like hot, hot coffee, and she doesn’t like cold, hot (1:13:32) coffee, but she likes this hot coffee with three ice cubes that haven’t melted yet. It’s (1:13:42) important that they’re not melted because if they’re already melted, then she wakes (1:13:46) up to a problem.
It’s just, didn’t you put the ice cubes in this coffee? Anyway, I get (1:13:57) up before Max. In fact, the whole world gets up before Max. I go into my computer and I (1:14:13) write a letter to God and I say, Dear God, here we go again.
You’ve done a good job. (1:14:15) Keep up the good work. And I do automatic writing.
I write as fast as I can, no punctuation (1:14:20) and no grammar things and not even reading what I’m doing, but just automatic writing. (1:14:26) So that I know that he knows that I know what the problems are down here. I figure he can (1:14:31) handle them better if he knows that I know.
So I’ll end up telling him, have a good day (1:14:38) and I’ll have a good day. And I go and take care of our little Alla dogs. Then it’s time (1:14:52) for the Queen to wake up.
I go to make her coffee. She doesn’t need brewed coffee. She (1:15:00) likes instant coffee, as long as it’s Yuvan instant coffee.
And she has a certain cup (1:15:05) she likes and that’s all right. And she doesn’t like it too strong. She doesn’t like it very (1:15:10) strong.
She likes a level teaspoonful. She doesn’t like milk at all. She doesn’t like (1:15:21) the liquid stuff.
She likes powdered cream. Lots of it. Two large heaping teaspoons full (1:15:28) of cream.
A level teaspoonful of Yuvan at the bottom of the cup. And then you don’t (1:15:32) boil the water. You take the water from a hot water dispenser.
You have to hire a man (1:15:40) to come and he has to drill a hole about that big in the stainless steel sink that replaced (1:15:55) the perfectly good white porcelain sink that was there. But you need the hot water dispenser (1:16:03) because it dispenses water at just the right temperature for putting three ice cubes in (1:16:10) it. And as the water is going in, you swish the cup around because she doesn’t like it (1:16:24) if it cakes on the bottom.
And you don’t want to use the spoon because she might want another cup (1:16:29) and you want a dry spoon. So you don’t use the spoon. You swish it around.
And you don’t want (1:16:33) to fill it too full because you have to leave room at the top in order to put the ice cubes in. (1:16:37) And you don’t drop them in and boom all over the place. So you just slide them in slowly.
And you (1:16:44) take that into the darkened bedroom. And you be very careful where you’re walking because if you (1:16:52) walk on her high-heeled shoes and your bare feet, it’s very painful. And you want to be (1:16:57) particularly careful as you go up along her side of the bed because those glossy magazines are (1:17:04) very slippery.
And when you get to her bedside stand, you don’t look for a bare spot. You just (1:17:14) look for a level spot. And you set it down and you walk out and you don’t cheat now.
You don’t (1:17:34) do anything to accidentally wake her up. You walk out and you hope that she wakes up before the ice (1:17:43) cubes melt. Now all of that is the easy part.
The easy part, the hard part is you can’t expect (1:17:58) her to appreciate it. Because Chuck C always said love is for free and for fun, for free and for fun. (1:18:05) If you expect anything in return, it’s not love, it’s part.
If you expect them to appreciate it, (1:18:09) it’s not love, it’s part. Free and for fun, free and for fun. Pretty harsh rule, I thought.
But I can’t complain. I have to admit, (1:18:21) it’s very cooperative. I’ve never known her to appreciate it.
Anyhow, I could summarize this (1:18:36) whole thing in a few sentences. My life started way, way over there, 81 years ago. In fact, wow, (1:18:44) he’s right.
You’re not really as impressed as I am. In fact, that distracts me to have something (1:18:50) you have to throw in here. This is my bragging story.
This has nothing to do with AA and recovery. (1:18:57) Newcomers, don’t listen to this. But I am the only 80-year-old I know who has worn out his treadmill (1:19:05) before it wore him out.
Five years ago, I bought a treadmill, and I don’t believe very much in service contracts, (1:19:22) but I thought, treadmill, I think I’ll buy a service contract. I went and bought the service contract, (1:19:28) I wore out the tread, and they replaced it. Wore out the main bearing, they replaced it.
Wore out (1:19:34) something else, they replaced that. The company that made the treadmill then went out of business. (1:19:41) But I reminded them that that did not run my service contract out of business.
So they said, (1:19:48) you’re right, you go back to Montgomery Ward, you pick out the best treadmill you can find, (1:19:53) we’ll pick it up and deliver it, we’ll pick up the other one and take it away, (1:19:55) and I now am in the process of wearing out my second treadmill. (1:20:06) As a matter of fact, about a month ago, my service contract came up for renewal, (1:20:12) I paid up for the next three years, and I can’t give up my treadmill running until July 31st, (1:20:20) 2002. I don’t do that so I’ll live longer, I do it so I’ll enjoy being here while I’m here.
(1:20:30) It’s my own personal Prozac, as a matter of fact. I haven’t had a good suicidal depression since I (1:20:39) started doing that. I love depression, I mean, depression has a lot of redeeming social value.
(1:20:50) It does, because it takes all those problems, it takes all those problems and just gathers them (1:20:55) all up and just brings them down to just me. I have a little trouble deciding between when I’m (1:21:06) depressed and when I’m wallowing in self-pity. But anyhow, that’s my personal story.
The point I (1:21:12) started to say was, before you interrupted me, was that my life started way, way over there, (1:21:19) and it was on a downhill course. All the time prior to July 31st, 1967. It was not a straight (1:21:28) line down, it was up and down, just enough ups to keep me confused.
Ended up in the nut ward of (1:21:33) the hospital that’s on the staff up. That wasn’t bad enough, I had to go to AA. I went to AA for (1:21:40) seven months, went to one meeting too many.
I picked up this contagious disease, and my life, (1:21:49) I finally, on July 31st, 1967, I accepted the fact that I, of all people, even though I had (1:21:59) nothing to do with it, had never decided to be an alcoholic, didn’t do anything to make me an (1:22:05) alcoholic, but I really, really was a very mild alcoholic. And since that moment, my life has been (1:22:14) getting better and better and better. My disease is getting worse and worse and worse.
And so (1:22:19) really, when they say it’s a progressive disease, they’re not kidding. I’m much more alcoholic today (1:22:24) than I was then. I even have a little pill problem maybe.
I was never addicted to pills though. I never abused (1:22:39) the pills. I never ever took a pill unless I had the symptom.
I did, I either had it or I could (1:22:48) feel it coming on. Every pill I took was prescribed by a doctor and taken according to directions. (1:23:02) And I don’t want to advertise them, but I do want to mention amphetamines.
I mean, I owe them a (1:23:07) certain debt. I don’t know that I could have had the stamina to have completed my pre-AA training (1:23:15) period if it hadn’t been for amphetamines. Because it did affect my hearing and I couldn’t listen fast enough to hear what I was saying a lot of the time.
(1:23:34) My disease has been getting worse. You know, it’s a progressive disease, but it’s also a progressive recovery. And my life has been getting better and better and better.
(1:23:44) And it’s not a straight line up, it’s up and down, up and down. But when it goes down, I know a lot of things I can do to get it to go back up again. (1:23:51) I call my sponsor, work with more newcomers, read the book, work the steps, go to more meetings, start a new meeting.
(1:23:58) You find somebody to sponsor. There’s lots of things to do. Or do nothing.
Just sit still and wait. (1:24:05) Like Winnie E. Dow used to say. It’s the only Bible quote she ever used.
The Bible says, (1:24:11) And it came to pass. The Bible does not say, And it came to stay. (1:24:18) And I’m convinced that when people like us hurt, we either drink or grow.
(1:24:25) We either drink or grow. When we have a problem, we do not end up, when it’s over, we don’t end up where we started. (1:24:35) We’re either better off or worse off, depending on what we did about the problem.
(1:24:40) And if we just don’t drink and hang on, we grow. So all pain becomes growing pain. (1:24:45) But my life today is better than it’s ever been.
It’s much higher on this side than it’s ever been. (1:24:50) And as far as I can tell, the only thing that determines how high I can go is how long I can stay around doing the things I’m doing. (1:24:58) And even doing more of the things I’m doing to keep it on an uptill curve.
(1:25:02) Because I want everything this program, no, I can’t say I want everything this program has to offer. (1:25:07) Because I don’t think anybody, I’m sure nobody can live long enough to get everything this program has to offer. (1:25:13) But I want as much as I can get.
There’s so much more to this program than just recovery. (1:25:18) I mean, just sobriety. There’s just no limit to it.
I want all I can get. (1:25:24) The point I wanted to make was the point of the V. (1:25:28) One little act of acceptance changed the course of my life from getting progressively worse to getting progressively better. (1:25:34) And I find that that’s the way it is with all the things in life.
(1:25:37) The things I resist keep getting worse. (1:25:40) And once I accept the fact that that’s the way it is, and just go with that, it gets better. (1:25:45) It gets better.
It doesn’t get better until I accept it. (1:25:49) And I thought, you know, as smart as I am, and as good looking, you know, how? (1:25:55) Why did it take me to that age before I accepted an obvious fact? (1:26:03) And the only thing I could see is that I was confusing acceptance with approval. (1:26:09) I did not approve of me being an alcoholic.
(1:26:12) Therefore, I would not accept it. And because I wouldn’t accept it, there was nothing I could do about it. (1:26:19) But once I accepted that reality, that fact, the act of acceptance is empowering.
(1:26:26) Because then we have choices. (1:26:28) Until I accepted it, I had no choice. (1:26:30) Once I accepted it, I had choices.
What am I going to do about this? (1:26:34) And now today, I thoroughly approve of the fact that I’m an alcoholic. (1:26:39) Approval followed acceptance didn’t precede it. (1:26:42) And today, I approve of me being an alcoholic.
I like being an alcoholic. (1:26:47) I don’t take credit for being an alcoholic. (1:26:52) Because I don’t know that I did anything to make me an alcoholic.
(1:26:54) Some people might say you’re an alcoholic because you drank too much. (1:26:58) I think I drank too much because I’m an alcoholic. (1:27:01) I have the impression that that’s what alcoholics do.
(1:27:05) So I’m not proud of being an alcoholic, and I’m not ashamed of being an alcoholic. (1:27:12) But I’m mighty proud, mighty proud indeed, to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. (1:27:21) I think that’s just absolutely tremendous.
(1:27:25) And I thank God for AA, and I thank you, AA, for my sobriety. (1:27:30) God bless you all. (1:27:34) Thank you.