Earl H – Barefoot Group – Burbank, CA – 04-16-1999

(0:08 – 0:10)
Hi, everybody. My name is Earl. I’m an alcoholic.
(0:11 – 0:16)
Hi. I want to thank Doug for asking me to come share. Always an honor and a privilege.
(0:18 – 0:38)
Thank you for sharing very much. And happy birthday, Ruth. And happy birthday to you,
too, last week.
That was great. Welcome to newcomers. Good to see you.
(0:47 – 1:18)
I started drinking when I was 12 years old. I started drinking when I was 12 because
that’s when somebody offered me a drink. They said, would you like a drink? I said, well,
yeah, I would.
Yeah, I would like a drink. Having no idea what was going to happen, how that was going
to feel, I took a drink. And from that day on, I drank because I liked the effect produced
by alcohol.
(1:18 – 1:21)
That’s what I liked. I drank. The first time I drank, I got drunk.
(1:22 – 1:38)
And that’s the way it was for me from that point on. The effect that alcohol produced for
me was that it killed the fear. It made it possible for me to be out in the world.
It made it possible for me to talk to people. It made it possible for me to do all the things
that I saw other people doing. And they seemed so calm and at ease with.
(1:38 – 1:52)
I was always comparing my insides to other people’s outsides. I was restless, irritable,
discontented long before the first drink. I had been shipped off to boarding school.
I thought my family had thrown me away. I had been removed from the family. I didn’t
know why they’d thrown me away.
(1:52 – 2:02)
They knew me better than anybody in the world, and they’d thrown me away. And I
thought, I asked them to let me come home for three days. They said no, turned my
back on my family, pretty much never went back.
(2:03 – 2:11)
The fact was, was that I was being given an opportunity for a great education. The
feeling was, was that I’d been thrown away. And I have never lived my life based on the
facts.
(2:11 – 2:20)
I have always lived my life based on how I’m feeling about this. Got drunk the first week I
was there. Smoked a little dope, drank a little red wine.
(2:21 – 2:32)
The effect was magical. It was like a spiritual awakening for me. I was comfortable.
I felt comfortable. Standing where I was standing, doing what I was doing with the people
I was doing it with. I never felt like that before.
(2:33 – 2:46)
And nobody died. Nobody went to jail that night. No mental institutions were involved.
No blood was drawn. Nothing bad happened. What I saw was, best feeling I’ve ever had
in my life, no downside.
(2:46 – 2:53)
Nothing bad has happened, you know. I can figure this out. This is, this is good.
(2:54 – 3:07)
I must do this as often as possible. Because I love, I love this wonderful feeling I’ve got.
And nothing bad’s happening, so what the hell’s the problem? So I made the
commitment to drink and use as often as I possibly could.
(3:07 – 3:16)
And I, I honored that commitment for a very long time. For 16 years. For 16 years I drank
and used no matter what.
(3:17 – 3:29)
Given many good reasons along the way to stop, I didn’t. In the beginning that first buzz
I caught was the best buzz I ever had in my life. And I chased that, and I paid no price for
it in the beginning.
(3:29 – 3:40)
And I have to remember that. It was easy. As my disease progressed, in the end I was
paying a terrible price just to try to get even.
(3:41 – 3:51)
It crossed over for me. And along the way a lot of interesting stuff happened. There were
a lot of signals along the way that said, this is a very bad idea, you need to reevaluate
this.
(3:51 – 4:03)
But how was I supposed to reevaluate whether or not I used the thing that made it
possible for me to be in the world? That’s what it did for me. It was like breathing for me.
It’s a simple progression.
(4:03 – 4:09)
A little pot, a little red wine in the beginning. 13, a few pills. Some guy said, would you
like a pill? I said, well, yeah.
(4:11 – 4:18)
Took a couple of 2-in-1, hit the floor 20 minutes later. Very happy down there. I had no
problems.
(4:19 – 4:25)
14, psychedelics. 13, 2-in-1, placebo, 2-in-1, all that stuff. 14, started taking
psychedelics.
(4:25 – 4:45)
The only reason I took one was because somebody said, would you like to drop some
acid? I said, well, yeah. By the time I was, you know, 650 hits later, legally insane, but as
far as the military is concerned, that’s another story. I decided I’d stop doing that.
(4:46 – 4:50)
15, I started shooting dope. I was at a party. Girl said, would you like me to stick this in
your body? I said, well, yeah.
(4:53 – 5:01)
She did. My first shot was a beauty. I mean, she hit me, and I just went… Just went out.
(5:02 – 5:12)
And all I remember thinking on the way down was, oh, yeah. That’s a good one. We’re
going to go for that one as often as possible.
(5:12 – 5:22)
We like that. Because that was just instant what problems. I couldn’t remember what I’d
been upset about just moments earlier.
(5:27 – 5:36)
Here I am in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, identifying as an alcoholic and talking
about drugs. Meaning no disrespect. None, none at all.
(5:36 – 5:44)
Fact is, I’m a child of the 60s. Our parents were the alcoholics, and we were carving out
our own identity. We weren’t going to drink ourselves to death the way our parents were.
(5:44 – 5:54)
We were going to kill ourselves in a whole new way. We were very focused on the drugs,
right? It wasn’t cool to be an alcoholic, but it’s cool to be a dope fiend. You can hear it to
this day.
(5:55 – 6:00)
Hey, I’m Bud. I’m a dope fiend. I was like, shut up, Bud.
(6:02 – 6:16)
Nobody cares. The fact of the matter is, is that my drug of choice is, what do you got? I
was not a specialist at all. If you are, God bless you.
Have a seat. Glad you’re here. Not my story.
(6:17 – 6:31)
My drug of choice is, what do you got? I prefer to go down. I much prefer to go down. I
like alcohol, which, by the way, was the only thing that was on the table every single
day.
(6:32 – 6:46)
The drugs would come and go. I mean, it was heroin one day, and it was cocaine the
next, and it was Quaaludes the next. Oh, we got a lot of reds.
Beautiful. Let’s eat the reds, right? I mean, you know, we didn’t care. The only thing on
the table every day was booze, and the reason for that is, in my opinion, is drugs are
unreliable.
(6:49 – 6:59)
They are. You never know what… There’s no quality control going on out there. You don’t
know what you’re getting in your system until you got it in there, and that’s when you
find out what you got.
(7:00 – 7:04)
That’s not true with alcohol, man. You go get yourself a fifth of Jack Daniels. You go get a
quart of gin.
(7:05 – 7:11)
You know what you got there. You can count on it. So, it doesn’t matter whether the
drugs are any good or not.
(7:11 – 7:22)
You got your alcohol here to finish the job. You know, that’s a little too spooky tonight?
Don’t worry about it. Jack will get you back in the comfort zone.
(7:23 – 7:33)
You know, you do so much cocaine, you can’t get your mouth open anymore. You know,
and it’s like 7.30, and the party just started. You overshot the mark already.
(7:34 – 7:38)
Don’t worry. Just suck a little gin through your teeth. You’ll ease off.
(7:38 – 7:42)
Go right on with the party. Not a problem. Now, I like to go down.
(7:43 – 7:51)
I like alcohol, heroin, barbiturates. These are tranquilizers, sedatives. I very much enjoy
these things.
(7:53 – 8:00)
You know, I like to get heart and lungs working only. That’s my favorite place. That’s my
place.
(8:00 – 8:07)
Sitting around all night checking your pulse. You know what I mean? That’s like a perfect
night. Just feeling nothing.
(8:07 – 8:14)
Feeling nothing. I like that place. But if I go to Connect, and we don’t have any heroin, I’ll
take the cocaine.
(8:15 – 8:22)
Let’s go up. I’ll sit around all night listening to the air around my head. I’m fine with that.
(8:23 – 8:37)
That’s fine. And the point is, is that it’s not… It’s not about, for me… It’s not crucial that
we go down. And it’s not… Obviously, it’s not crucial that we go up.
(8:38 – 8:47)
What’s crucial is, is that I get out of right here, right now. I got to get out of right here,
right now. Because right here, right now, out there in the old days, I’m self-centered and
afraid.
(8:47 – 8:52)
I’m frightened. I’m not measuring up. My insides look terrible compared to your outsides.
(8:52 – 8:58)
I’m just losing all day long. I can’t get comfortable. I’m afraid.
(8:58 – 9:06)
And the great effect produced by alcohol for me is that it kills the fear. But it’s the last
thing I’ll feel. The last thing I feel is fear.
(9:06 – 9:15)
So I got to get drunk. I got to get wasted to kill it. That’s why I got drunk the first time I
drank, and I was drunk the last time.
(9:15 – 9:24)
I can’t even comment on social drinking. I’ve never done it. I have no information, no
experience about social drinking other than I’ve seen it, and I find it bizarre.
(9:27 – 9:36)
It’s weird to watch people sip at a drink and then leave it. And they just walk away. Don’t
look back.
(9:36 – 9:38)
Nothing. They just leave it. There it is.
(9:40 – 9:48)
It’s disrespectful. I think. When somebody gives you a drink, you’re supposed to drink it,
for Christ’s sake.
(9:48 – 9:57)
Anyway. I started going to mental institutions when I was 16. Escaping from mental
institutions.
(9:59 – 10:10)
Escaped when I was 17. Spent a lot of time out on the streets doing what you do to stay
loaded on a daily basis. 19, I was diagnosed with malignant cancer.
(10:11 – 10:15)
20, 1920, malignant cancer. Told me I was going to die. I’d become a drug dealer.
(10:16 – 10:20)
I had no problem with being a drug dealer. I had no morals. I had no ethics.
(10:21 – 10:26)
I had no sense of family. I had no sense of community. I’d pretty much been making my
own decisions since I was 12 years old.
(10:28 – 10:40)
I didn’t really have friendships. I had acquaintances, business associates, people that I
did business with, hung out with, partied with. But I didn’t really get to know anybody.
(10:40 – 10:49)
I’d lie to you just as soon as I’d look at you. I didn’t care about you. I didn’t want to
socialize or chit-chat with you.
(10:49 – 10:55)
I didn’t care how your day was. I didn’t care how was your day. I don’t care.
(10:56 – 11:01)
You want to get high or not. It made no difference to me. I didn’t want to get to know
you.
(11:01 – 11:11)
Why the hell would I want to get to know you? My family knew me better than anybody
in the world. They threw me away. Why would I want to get to know you? Why would I
want to get friendly with you? You’re going to leave.
(11:13 – 11:21)
Why bother? It was a very superficial existence I was living. Then they told me I had
malignant cancer. It was made sense to me.
(11:21 – 11:26)
I flew back to L.A. They did a major surgery on my back. They told me I was going to die.
They prepared my family for me to die.
(11:27 – 11:34)
Everybody was getting very upset. I just remember looking at them and thinking, you
don’t even know who you’re talking to. You’re not scaring me.
(11:35 – 11:45)
This is kind of like how I figure life to be. I ended up beating the cancer thing. Among
other things, I’m a long-term cancer survivor, which is weird.
(11:46 – 11:54)
I never think of myself that way. Compared to alcoholism, cancer is like a picnic.
Chemotherapy is fine.
(11:55 – 12:14)
Try kicking 150 mg of valium a day habit and a couple quarts of Jack Daniels. That’s
interesting. Anyway, a year later, my mother called me and said we’ll go anywhere as a
family in 10 years.
(12:14 – 12:16)
We’ll go anywhere you want to go. Just go as a family. I said fine.
(12:17 – 12:27)
Flew back to L.A. We left to fly to Guadalajara and on the way there the plane crashed.
My mother, my father, my little sister were all killed and I wasn’t. I woke up on this
mountain in Mexico.
(12:27 – 12:31)
My skull was fractured. My back was broken in three places. My leg was crushed.
(12:31 – 12:36)
My arm was crushed. I was paralyzed from the waist down and I was awake. All I could
move was my right arm.
(12:37 – 12:42)
My mother was laying over there. My little sister Kimberly was laying right there. My
father was laying right over there.
(12:42 – 12:49)
I couldn’t move and I couldn’t get to any of them and I couldn’t help them. They all bled
to death right in front of me. I had a little chat with God.
(12:50 – 13:15)
I don’t mean to just be bouncing over this stuff but I’m trying to get sober here. I had a
chat with God and I said, you know what, any God that would take somebody like my
little sister who was just this kind, decent, sweet, loving little girl and leave a lying,
cheating, thieving, drug addict, alcoholic like me on the planet, I have no interest in a
God of this type and I renounced God. Then some guys came up and they scavenged the
plane wreck.
(13:15 – 13:21)
They took the money out of my wallet and they left me up on the mountain to die. I had
no more use for you either. I was out of the game.
(13:21 – 13:34)
I had no love of God. I had no love of man. All I could think about was that this really
pissed me off and I was going to get down up this mountain and I was going to stay alive
and I was going to find a way to let you all know how lousy I thought this thing called
living was.
(13:34 – 13:45)
Some guys finally came up and they took me down. They took me to an aid station. I was
in the back of a truck with my mother and they tagged her dead and they tagged me
dead and they sat there smoking cigarettes waiting for me to die.
(13:45 – 13:50)
I didn’t. They finally took me to a hospital in Los Mochis, Mexico. They found out my ID.
(13:51 – 13:55)
They found out who I was. Here come the federales. They wanted to know what I was
doing back in Mexico.
(13:56 – 14:12)
This also was another matter we don’t need to discuss here. They interrogated me
through an interpreter for three and a half days and eventually I called an associate of
mine in Northern California who called some people in Mexico City who flew a plane in
and smuggled me out of Mexico back into the states. Spent a long time in a hospital in
Santa Monica.
(14:12 – 14:16)
Came out of the hospital strung out on Demerol. Angry. Alone.
(14:17 – 14:21)
Just raging survivor’s guilt. I knew I had absolutely… They died. I didn’t.
(14:21 – 14:29)
I had absolutely no right to be on the planet. I had no right to be breathing in and out. I
hated living and I went on my last run and it lasted for four and a half years.
(14:29 – 14:37)
Almost six years really. And about two years before I stopped drinking I was done. I
couldn’t take it anymore.
(14:37 – 14:49)
I’d go into this little sanitarium in Hollywood little bootleg place and I’d pay $150. They’d
detox me for 72 hours. I’d come out of there sick as a dog swearing I’d never drink again
as long as I lived and I’d be drunk that night.
(14:49 – 14:58)
I did that three times. I was done and then I drank for two more years. When I was done I
had over 600 stitches in me.
(14:58 – 15:02)
I’d been stabbed twice. Shot at. I’d broken 74 bones.
(15:03 – 15:06)
I had hair out like this and beard out like this. I was psychotic. I was yellow.
(15:07 – 15:10)
I was 215 pounds. My family was dead. I had no friends.
(15:10 – 15:13)
I had no place to live. I was unemployable. I was psychotic.
(15:14 – 15:21)
I could not distinguish between fantasy and reality. I got beat to death. I burned my leg
to the ground.
(15:21 – 15:35)
There was nothing left to do but die. I ended up in a hospital. I stayed there 17 days of
detox 30 days of rehab on a free bed and they told me if you don’t want to die you better
go to Alcoholics Anonymous because if you drink again you’re dead.
(15:36 – 15:50)
And I said I was 28 years old and I looked like I was 80 and I said okay. And I ended up in
the back of a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn’t come here because I wanted
what you had. I had no idea what you had.
(15:50 – 15:58)
I just knew I couldn’t live with what I had anymore. And I came to Alcoholics Anonymous
because there was no place else left to go. If there had been someplace else to go I
would have gone there.
(15:59 – 16:05)
I didn’t want to get to know anybody. I had no love for you. I wasn’t a happy oh gee
we’re sober.
(16:05 – 16:21)
I was not thrilled about this. I was scared to death and I was sat in the back arms folded
mad dogging everybody because I was so afraid you were going to come up and you
were going to start asking me questions or talking to me and I just started screaming. I
had no idea how to be in the world.
(16:21 – 16:29)
I had been underground for so many years. I didn’t know how to do the simplest things in
the world. And I sat in the back and I wouldn’t talk to anybody.
(16:30 – 16:34)
I never took a chip. That’s why I love it. You guys that took chips congratulations man.
(16:34 – 16:39)
You’re doing better than me already. I couldn’t do it. It scared me to death.
(16:39 – 16:53)
Anybody would spot me come up and talk to me might want to find out about me and if
you found out the things that I had done you would ask me to leave because you looked
like reasonable people and that’s what a reasonable person would do. So I just sat in the
back. I didn’t take a kick until I was three years sober.
(16:53 – 17:07)
I didn’t say a word until I was two and a half. The only reason I did that is my sponsor
said open your mouth or drink. You know and I he was the only human on earth I trusted
first two and a half years I was sober.
(17:07 – 17:13)
Late great Donald Madden. Yeah. Anybody remember Donald Madden? Yeah.
(17:13 – 17:21)
Huh? Bigger than life. Insane. Owned was committed to mental institutions 23 times.
(17:22 – 17:31)
Only guy I ever met got evicted from the nut house. He did. The last time they said you
have to go now because if you don’t go now you’ll never leave.
(17:32 – 17:38)
You know you’re just over there facing the wall man. Go. And he ended up in AA and he
stayed sober here until the day he died.
(17:39 – 17:46)
He was my sponsor for over 14 years. I was with him longer than I was with my parents.
He’s the single most important human being in my life.
(17:46 – 17:58)
He got a hold of me and he loved me. I had met him before I came into AA through a
series of circumstances and I went up to him and I asked him, I called him up and I said
you probably won’t remember me. My name’s Earl Hightower.
(17:58 – 18:08)
And he said oh yes I do. Where are you? And I said well I’ve been going to these AA
meetings and I wondered if I could talk to you. He said be in my office 9 o’clock
tomorrow morning.
(18:08 – 18:16)
Click. So I went and I said would you sponsor me? And he said yes. And I just started
crying.
(18:17 – 18:30)
Because I didn’t realize and I asked him for help. The act of doing that, when I did that I
realized it had been years since I’d ever asked anybody for anything to help me. And it
was like I cracked open.
(18:30 – 18:38)
A part of me just cracked open. And I couldn’t control myself and I just started crying.
And he just sat there while I’m just doing the lip sucking thing.
(18:39 – 18:58)
I’m sitting over there and he leans over his shoulder and he looks back at his assistant
and he goes oh wonderful he’s destroyed. And I heard that and I thought who are these
people? He likes it that I’m just an annihilated human being. That I don’t know how to do
anything.
(18:58 – 19:06)
And what I found out later was he loved that because it was like I was an empty shell.
And he just got to start pumping AA in there. Go to meetings.
(19:06 – 19:10)
Get a commitment. Do what I picked this newcomer up. Set up the chairs.
(19:10 – 19:14)
Make the coffee. Do all this shit that I didn’t know. I didn’t know what any of this was
about.
(19:14 – 19:23)
I thought I’m ready to kill myself or several other people at any moment. I’m not a well
person. I’m terribly frightened and that makes me dangerous because I don’t know what
to do.
(19:24 – 19:32)
And your answer to this is make coffee. Set up a few chairs. Go pick up this guy you
don’t even know and take him to a meeting.
(19:32 – 19:41)
I hated that shit. I remember being 18 months sober and he calls me up and he goes,
Ed’s on the corner of 6th and sign up and I can pick him up and take him to Ohio Street.
Click.
(19:43 – 19:57)
I got this little beat up Volkswagen that I had to park on a hill because the pops started
to get it going. And I go motoring down and you’re looking for some insane guy standing
on the corner of 6th and Santa Monica. And I find this guy.
(19:58 – 20:02)
You Ed? Yeah, yeah, I’m Ed. Ed gets in the car. I got like 18 months.
(20:02 – 20:13)
We’re driving up to the meeting and Ed’s going, hey, how you doing? I’m Ed. You know, I
got six days sober and the wife took me back and I’m working and I’m just like, shut up
Ed. I hated Ed.
(20:14 – 20:24)
Ed’s got like six days and he’s doing better than me. Ed’s all excited about being sober
and I’m still scared to death. My sponsor told me to pick you up.
(20:24 – 20:28)
I’m taking you to the meeting. If you want a ride back, I’ll take you. Other than that,
that’s it.
(20:28 – 20:33)
No more. Ed’s just, whoa, okay. Going to the meeting.
(20:33 – 20:37)
Ed was happy. Going to be sober. I was out of my mind, man.
(20:38 – 20:42)
I was a slow one. I got into it slow. He made me get a coffee commitment.
(20:42 – 20:50)
I got a coffee commitment, right? There’s a couple people here that are friends of mine
that we all got sober around the same time and they used to get out of that meeting and
that’s where we all met down there. It’s great to see them tonight. It’s great.
(20:52 – 20:59)
And I haven’t left. I’ve been sober over 18 years now. And I couldn’t stay sober for a day.
(21:00 – 21:07)
My best thinking, I couldn’t stay sober a day. Couldn’t do it. And I came to Alcoholics
Anonymous and I didn’t understand it.
(21:07 – 21:18)
I didn’t get what was going on. And I hid from you in the rooms from you. And I did these
simple things, having no idea why I was doing them.
(21:18 – 21:28)
Didn’t understand it at all. And all of a sudden it rang true and I remembered something
my sponsor had said to me in the very beginning. He said, you don’t have to like what I
tell you and you don’t have to think it’s a good idea.
(21:28 – 21:36)
You just have to do it. It’s a program of action. And I thought, well that’s good because I
don’t like anything you tell me and I don’t think any of it’s a good idea.
(21:38 – 21:51)
As long as those aren’t requirements we’re going to get along fine. And I kicked and
screamed and bitched and moaned and complained and hated it. And you know what,
but I just kept coming back to meetings because I didn’t have any place else left to go.
(21:52 – 22:06)
And I stayed. And I became a grand member of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Seven to nine meetings a week, making coffee here, hanging out with people in the
program, learned how to chit chat, stand in the back of the meetings.
(22:06 – 22:13)
How you doing? Doing great. How’s it going? Sober all day. And I started whipping out all
the little AA slogans.
(22:14 – 22:23)
What’s up bro? One day at a time brother. What are you going to do? I’m going to keep
coming back. What are you going to do if it goes bad? I’m going to turn it over.
(22:25 – 22:33)
Having no idea what I was saying. If you’re new, man, don’t get caught up in the rap. It’s
a killer.
(22:34 – 22:43)
Don’t get caught. Don’t do like guys like me do. Sit in the back, figure out how the game
is played, come in and start talking the talk, man.
(22:43 – 22:50)
Get the bat, get that patter down, man. Get that, you know what I mean? Sober all day.
Keep coming back.
(22:53 – 23:03)
If you’re new, I hope you have more guts than I did. When they walk up to you and they
say, hey, just keep coming back. Hey, turn it over now.
(23:04 – 23:13)
Better turn that over, turn that over. Step up to the play. Say, excuse me, I don’t
understand the spiritual significance of turn it over.
(23:13 – 23:29)
You mind expanding on that a little bit for me? Well, my neck of the woods, if they tell
the truth, about 75% of them would say, you know, I don’t know what it means either.
You know, they said it to me when I came in. I’m just saying it to you.
(23:29 – 23:34)
I don’t know what the hell it means. Hey, there’s a guy over there that reads this. Let’s
go ask him, man.
(23:34 – 24:10)
Maybe he knows what it means. So I stay. You know? And let me know what it means.
(24:10 – 24:18)
You know, I don’t know what it means. You know, I don’t know what it means. You know,
I don’t know what don’t know what You know, I don’t know what it means.
(24:18 – 24:58)
You know, we don’t know what don’t know what So I asked around down here in Earlton.
Can’t believe Well, did you go to a meeting? Well, no. You call another alcoholic, see how
they were doing today? No.
(25:00 – 26:09)
Read the book? Pray? Anything? Did you do anything today to try to overcome this? Well,
no. Call me tomorrow! I’m not gonna lie to him. I mean, people come up to me, I say that
every once in a while, people come up to me and go, oh, well, that’s just so cruel.
You’re so very hard on the new people. Bullshit! I mean, what, I’m gonna lie to this guy?
Oh, you know what? It’s okay. You just stay in bed all day.
You just stay in bed all day. You know, you’ll be alright. Don’t go to a meeting, you know
what I mean? Those are frightening.
Don’t go. Don’t call your sponsor, man. Don’t get on your knees and try to turn your will
and your life over.
God, for God’s sakes, don’t open that book. It’s not necessary, man. You just work those
steps unless they’re a hassle, okay? You know, I might as well just hand him a gun.
See, it’s used. You don’t need a new gun if you’re only gonna use it once. Just, here.
Here’s a used gun. Blow your head off. Let’s kill people.
Tell them the truth. You know what, bro? It’s a program of action. The people around
here that know what to do can open the door, but you gotta walk through it.
(26:10 – 26:14)
You gotta do the footwork. You gotta take the action. You gotta get your ass up and go
to a meeting.
(26:14 – 27:21)
You gotta get there and you gotta take advantage of the things in the meeting. You
gotta do this stuff. If you don’t do it, you won’t feel better.
It’s the way it works. I’m not gonna lie to these people and go, nah, that’s alright. Stay in
bed.
You’ll be fine. If I had stayed in bed, I’d have been dead in 1978. So, I wouldn’t do any of
those things.
If I could just drop, drink, or use, no matter what, I wouldn’t do that. If that were true,
detox centers would be kicking out winners. 72 hours for free.
Thanks for coming by for the weekend, bro. Have a nice life. I’d say, thank you.
People call me and say, what are you doing? I say, I’m at home, watching TV. What’s
going on? I say, I’m just not drinking or using, no matter what, man. Because I could do
that.
I don’t work steps, sponsor people, go to meetings, speak, get on airplanes, fly planes. I
hate to fly. You can imagine why.
I don’t like flying. Flew to Phoenix last weekend. Flew to Chicago the weekend before
that.
Plane was bumping and everything up in the air. I’d go psycho when that happens. I hate
it, but I do it.
Why would I do that? If I could just stay home and not drink or use, no matter what. Fact
is, I’m the flip side of that coin. I drink and use, no matter what.
(27:22 – 29:57)
That’s what I do. It becomes a bad idea in terms of my health. I drink anyway.
They tell me, you keep drinking, you’re going to go to jail. I pencil in a year, carry,
because I’m going to jail. I’m not going to stop drinking.
Family won’t talk to you. So be it. Wife’s going to leave you.
Doesn’t understand anyway. I don’t give a shit. Give it all up.
You’re losing your health, your family, your friends, any self-esteem you had, sense of
community, sense of family, all of it’s gone. I’m drinking. I’m drinking.
I drink and use, no matter what. Given a good reason, I don’t stop. That’s the problem
drinker.
Not me, the alcoholic. Alcoholic, I drink and use, no matter what. So telling me just don’t
drink and use is, could kill me.
I got to do stuff. I mean, here’s the deal. I came here.
I found out because there were guys who came before me who had a lot of time, who
had been through the process of Alcoholics Anonymous, and they knew what to do, and
they passed it on to me. And the deal is this. There’s this circle with a triangle, right? It’s
an ancient spiritual symbol.
Stands for mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being. And therein
lies the balance I had sought my whole life and never had, drunk or sober. Alcoholics
Anonymous adopted that symbol.
Unity, service, and recovery. It’s the same thing. Unity is the body.
I must bring it here. I must go to meetings. I can’t even get sober on my own, but we
seem to be able to.
I got to be with my fellows. I got to sit and look in your eyes. I got to look at the people
that have sat in the seat, man, have gone to the depths, know about the pitiful and
incomprehensible demoralization.
Those are not just words. That’s a place that a human being can get to. I got to be with
you.
So I got to come to meetings, right? And this is the fellowship. Going to meetings, having
a sponsor, taking commitments, doing all this stuff. Fellowship.
Vital to my recovery. But the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the thing that has never
failed me is this. The recovery is of the mind.
The greater aspect of my disease. It’s not just about stopping now. It’s about staying
stopped.
How do I stay stopped? How do I put these days together? How does the process of my
life become the process of recovery as well? How do I put this thing together? I got a
friend who’s never had more than two years sobriety at any given time. We started
coming to meetings at the same time, about 18 and a half years ago. His today and my
today are completely different.
(29:59 – 32:39)
Because I’ve stayed continuously through that. And he’s come and gone and come and
gone and come and gone and come and gone. He’s been involved in recovery for 18 and
a half years, but it ain’t the same.
So I’m guessing the idea here is to put them together. That there’s some kind of value in
putting these one days at a time together. If that’s not true, I say we drink Fridays.
What do you say? You know? Because every Monday when I’ve like pulled it back
together and I’m at my Monday night meeting and you say to me, how you doing? I’ll say
sober all day. Oh, we got today, right? Well, you know, I got 18 years in today. Right?
Which is making today different.
I met a guy last weekend with 52 years. His today was remarkably different than his first
day. You should hear the guy talk.
I mean, the guy’s got light beams coming out of his eyes. You know, there’s a buzz going
on there. I want it.
You know what I mean? I’m still after the buzz. I want to know what those guys are
talking about. There’s a guy, there’s a, there’s a step study.
These guys go to around here somewhere. You got to have 25 years to go. The 25 years
sober guys are the new guys at the meeting.
This guy, he’s got like 47 now. I think the guy that I talked to that goes to meeting, I
want to know what they’re talking about, but I’m not even close to being getting let in
yet. You know, I got to stay another seven years to find out what they’re talking about.
I know there’s a buzz going on there and I want it while I’m staying. I got to find out what
they’re doing. So the buzz just keeps getting better, but I got to do the deal, the
recovery of the mind.
I got to stay. I got to stay stopped. I got to stay in the game.
And for me to stay, I got to find a way to be comfortable sober. It can’t be for me about
white knuckle sobriety, about hanging on, just not drinking or using no matter what.
There’s got to be some comfort to it.
How do I find that? I got to be relieved of the obsession to drink and use. I got to be
relieved of this mental obsession to do it. This mind that tells me I can drink like a
normal man.
This mind that tells me, let’s just go have a couple of drinks. That’s insanity because I’ve
never had just a couple of drinks. A couple of drinks won’t do what I need to get done.
Won’t do it. So I need to be relieved of this thinking. So what do I do? The recovery is of
the mind.
I read this. I work the 12 steps as outlined in this. I read the doctor’s opinion in the first
164 pages and I get the game plan, the inside job, the way to get rid of this obsession of
drink and use.
The 12 steps are simple. Step one is what’s the problem? Well, lack of power is my
dilemma. Whole life’s unmanageable as a result of my inability to drink or use like a
normal human being.
(32:39 – 33:26)
I just stray. I go and I don’t stop. Whole life’s unmanageable as a result of that one thing.
Well, if that lack of power is my problem, what’s my solution? Step two, that a power
greater than me could restore me to sanity, soundness of mind, relieve me of the
obsession to drink. I’ll go with that. And notice I haven’t even got off the couch yet.
I’m sitting on the couch. Yeah, that’s the problem, all right. There it is.
Yeah, that’s probably going to have to be the solution right there. Because I’ve tried
everything else, right? I said, all right, well, you better make a decision to do something
about this because just knowing it’s not going to do you any good at all. So you better
get down on your knees, say this third step prayer, turn your will and your life over to
the care of God.
You don’t even have to believe it. Just do it. You don’t even have to believe in God.
Just do it. Just be willing to do it. All right.
(33:26 – 33:44)
Got out of the couch. Okay, good, great. That was a little spooky, but I’m more all right
still because I’ll get back up on the couch.
And then it tells me, we hope you were serious about that. So now you tell me. Because
if you don’t embark upon this plan of action, you’re screwed anyway.
(33:45 – 34:17)
All right, well, what am I going to do now? Four through nine. Okay, what’s that about?
Four and five is me. Six and seven is God.
And eight and nine is you. Nobody else to play with. Real simple.
All right. Still haven’t had to let anybody in the house. So I do this fearless inventory that
I’m supposed to do.
Really get down in there, crunch down, swallow some large chunks of truth about myself.
Do this inventory right like it’s outlined in the book. Then I actually have to let someone
else in the house.
Step five. Guy walks in the house and I read this to him before God. It was an intense
moment for me.
(34:18 – 34:22)
He looks at me and says, you’re a very sick individual. Keep coming to AA. Leaves.
(34:23 – 36:31)
He leaves. Now there’s six and seven. I hook it back up with God.
Ask God to remove the defects of character because I removed the wrong stuff. Eight
and nine, a lot of conversation because they’re about to let me out of the house. Right?
Nine, I got to make my amends.
I got to deal with you. Eight and nine, you. Right? I’m out of the house.
I’m very, very sorry. Here’s your money. I’m going to go back in the house.
No big conversation. Cleaning up my side of the street. These people don’t want their
money.
They want my money. They want their money. They just want their money back.
So I give them their money back. Make a payment plan. Do whatever I got to do.
Go back in the house. 10, 11, and 12 are going to keep me in the game. 10, me.
11, God. 12, you. Nobody else.
10, I continue to take personal inventory. And when I’m wrong, promptly admit it
because I’m a working process. I didn’t get, I didn’t hit perfection on the first pass with
that fourth and fifth.
I got a lot of work to do. I’m screwing up all the time. I’m 18 years sober.
I screw up all the time because I’m out there in the game. Yeah. Trying new stuff, being
bad at something until I get good at it.
It’s amazing how alcoholics don’t want to ever be bad at anything. They try something
and they go, well, I don’t appear to be great at this. And then they go do something else.
I go, I said, you know what? I want to learn how to get good at that. So then I go out and
be bad at it. And then I’m not quite as bad at it.
And then I’m a little better at it now. Hey, we’re getting pretty good at this. You know
what I mean? Now I’m having a good time.
Discipline, freedom through discipline. AA taught me that. And I go do my thing, right?
Eleven, I seek God through prayer and meditation.
What do I pray for? Knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. That’s
it. No more cutting deals.
Always selling myself short anyway. And I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the
answers come, I can hear them. They come in the form of thoughts, intuitions, just little
simple things.
And you go, oh, this is clearly the way for me to go. And I just act on it. And it’s paid off
big to meditate.
My new sponsor is big on the meditation. It’s just all I’m asking is you get between these.
Get in there, get between those right in there, because if you’re in there, you’re here
now.
You’re right here right now. That’s all there is now. Got no other.
There’s nothing going on. Five minutes. It’s not here.
(36:32 – 36:39)
Five minutes ago, gone. You OK right now? Had enough to eat? Right now. Got enough
money? Right now.
(36:40 – 36:52)
Money, air. Right now. Right now.
It’s fine. It’s fine. Be here.
This is where my life is. This is where any love I’m going to know is. This is what God is.
This is where the whole game is, man. It’s now. I got to get in that.
(36:53 – 37:21)
Prayer and meditation allows that to be possible for somebody like me and be
comfortable standing there when I’m here now. Even now. It’s all right.
And 12 is the third side of the triangle. Having had a spiritual awakening is the result of
doing those steps. It’s the only reason I did it was the whole point.
Boom. Service. I can carry the message.
I can help the alcoholic who still suffers. Don’t have to go down to the Bowery anymore.
Don’t have to go down to the docks.
(37:22 – 38:20)
Don’t have to go look under a bridge. All I got to do to find a suffering alcoholic is go to a
meeting. Because the rooms are full of them.
Alcoholics are suffering. Alcoholics don’t know that this is the program. Alcoholics that
don’t know that there is relief here.
Alcoholics that don’t know that it’s simple but it requires action. That don’t know that it
can be a painful process and that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a bad one. That
something’s wrong.
That for me, I always thought if I was a little egocentric. Everybody frees. I don’t know
what’s going on.
Something’s wrong. In fact, all that means is that I don’t know what’s going on.
Everything could be fine.
I just don’t know what’s going on. Now I’m very comfortable having no idea what’s going
on. And that’s true a great deal of the time.
I don’t know what’s going on. Who cares? I’m here, man. I’m having a good time.
(38:20 – 39:37)
I got a great life. I got stuff going on in so many areas and I got problems in all of them.
But you know what? It’s not me.
I’m not the problem. I’m not the problem. I have the problem over there and I have that
one over there and I have that one over there and I have that one over there.
I got tools to deal with all this stuff. I got problems in areas where I didn’t even used to
have areas. You know what I mean? I got like regular human areas in my life.
I got relationships of varying types. I got work and business and interacting on that level
and I have commitments and I sponsor and I am sponsored and I’m running over here
and I’m doing this and I’m learning about this thing over here. I’m learning all kinds of
weird stuff that makes no sense to the old me.
But now it just, who cares, man? If it’s not interesting, I’m just going to learn about it.
This guy was telling me origami is very cool. They make these little things and the
minute you’re done making it, you give it away to somebody as a sign of love and
friendship.
I thought, it’s very cool. I’m learning about origami. So I’m checking it out.
I went down into the Yucatan Peninsula to a Mayan city, Chichen Itza. Blew me away. Got
to learn about the Mayans now.
Trippy people. These little people were, I got to know. And where the hell did they go?
Nobody seems to know.
(39:37 – 40:38)
I want to learn about this. I mean, none of this makes money. None of this is, it’s just
interesting to me.
If you’re new, what you get to do in here is you get to find out who you are. You get to
find out what you want to do. You get to find your life.
Alcoholics Anonymous is about staying sober and giving you a way to get comfortable
being that. Sober. You get to find a way to do that.
And if you do that, then you get to expand and embrace your own life and find out what
you like. You can have your own right and wrong, and your own moral psychology, and
your own ethics and all of that. And we can all sit around and judge each other because
our ethics and our morals are different.
My sponsor was very cool about that, man. When I’d sit there and I’d think, well, I think
this is right and I think this is wrong for me. This is right and this is wrong.
And then I’d see somebody else doing something I thought was not the right thing to do.
And I’d say, that’s wrong what they’re doing. And he’d say, finish the sentence.
What do you mean finish the sentence? I finished it. He’d say, no, no, no. What that guy
is doing is wrong for me.
(40:39 – 41:46)
It’s just wrong for me. It may not be wrong for them. I don’t know.
I don’t know what your business is. I don’t know what works for you. I don’t know what
gets your motor running.
I don’t know what makes you happy. You go find out. You go find out in your life.
My job is to find out in mine what works for me. What I can enjoy and embrace in my life
that isn’t at the expense of or harmful to another human being. Those are kind of some
of my guidelines.
I try to live a good life and I have a better life than I’ve ever, ever imagined a guy like me
could have. I’m 46 years old. Very comfortable being 46 years old.
I have gray hair here on my beard, right? Everybody says, shave that up. You look 10
years younger. I say, screw you.
I’m proud of this gray. I earned this. Guys like me don’t get the gray.
This is victory right here on my face. This is victory. I got to this, right? I have, I’m I’m
happy being Earl.
I’m having a very good time. I’ve got the problems everybody else has got. It’s life on
life’s terms.
Doing life on life’s terms. But I’m loving and being loved. I got a sense of family.
I got a sense of community. I feel purpose and value in my life. I’ve had a friend recently
tell me, you know Earl, at this point you probably help more people than you harm.
(41:47 – 43:52)
Fuck. It’s all cake from here then, man. I paid my dues.
I’ve actually been sober. I drank and used for 16 years. I’ve been sober 18, right? I’ve
crossed over.
Guess what? Still an alcoholic. Still have alcoholism. Don’t suffer from it at all.
Have no phenomenon of craving. I’ve had no mental obsession to drink or use. Have no
desire.
Terrible things have happened in my life. I’ve been sober. Hasn’t occurred to me to drink.
It’s not an option for me now. There’s a place in the book that says I wouldn’t drink
again, even if I could. And if they invented a pill that says, here you go Earl, you drink
like a normal man.
Keep it. Have no interest in drinking like a normal man. Never have, never will.
Rather be fully present and accounted for. Catching the buzz that’s available on a
moment to moment basis. Being in my life.
I’m not doing anything to cut myself off from you or God anymore. I’m staying here. I like
it here.
I like being sober. And I got the strength because there were guys like Donald Madden
before me, and guys like Norm A before him, and Chuck C before him, and Bill W before
him, who paved the way that made it possible so that there was a place for some
miserable, worthless human being like me to come. There was a place for me to come.
Which, by the way, is the whole point of a meeting. To have a place where a newcomer
can come and hear a message of hope. That’s what it’s for.
So that we can then turn around and give away what was freely given to us. I like being
in that human chain. I got to have a sponsor.
Somebody that I seek counsel from. And I got to have this hand on somebody who’s
newer than me. Giving them what’s being handed down to me.
If I’m doing that, I got no idle time. I got no idle hands. I’m hooked up.
I’m in the human chain. I’m a part of something that’s much bigger than me. And I’m
very grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and to be here with you guys.
Thanks. Applause Boy, that was awesome. I’m assuming alcoholic.
(43:52 – 44:11)
I assume too. But I was born compared to that. Laughter Okay.
In closing, we wish to remind you that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is found in
the Big Book. And we encourage you to obtain a copy and start on the road to recovery
and a new life. We hope that you have been able to relate to what you have heard
shared here tonight.
(44:11 – 45:34)
Let’s give Earl another hand. We ask the group to please remember to pick up after
yourselves and take a minute to help get the room back into shape before we leave. I
would like to ask for a volunteer to read the end of Chapter 11, A Vision for You, and lead
us in the Lord’s Prayer.
Jane. I am Jane Alcoholic. A vision for you.
Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will
constantly disclose more to you and to us.
Ask him in your morning meditation what you can do for the man who is still sick. The
answers will come if your house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something
you haven’t got.
See to it that your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass for
you and countless others. This is the great fact for us. Abandon yourself to God as you
understand God.
Admit your faults to him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give
freely of what you find and join us.
We shall be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit and you will surely meet some of us
as you trudge the road of happy destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then.
And after a moment of silence for those who are still suffering, would you please join me
in the Lord’s Prayer.