(0:07 – 0:30)
Good morning, my name’s Ed Mutom and I’m an alcoholic. By the grace of God, the
fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and sponsorship, I haven’t found necessary to take a
drink or a mood-altering chemical since January 5th of 1971 and for that I’m extremely
grateful. I want to thank Corey for that introduction, I’m pleased to hear one I agree with.
(0:32 – 0:47)
He’s been a wonderful host and I want to thank everybody who’s taken time this
weekend to be a host or a hostess or volunteer here. You know, you carry a message, all
of that carries a message. Believe me, working in that hospitality room is of equal
importance to standing up here.
(0:47 – 1:05)
It really is, in fact, probably more so because people in the hospitality rooms, when I
worked there over the years, especially when I was out in Southern California, that’s
where some wonderful conversations take place and healings take place. I want to
congratulate all of the people who worked so hard to put this on. Let’s give them a hand.
(1:12 – 1:36)
And it’s good to be here, good to be here. I was pleased to hear Jim, I know Jim, I’ve been
up to his group and talked and he’s a good member of AA and I wasn’t here yesterday
for the talks, I had to go to a wedding, but I’m waiting to hear the tapes and I’m looking
forward to hearing that and I’ve heard wonderful things about the talk, both talks. You
know, that wedding I went to was something unusual.
(1:39 – 2:00)
I spent a lot of time talking to people who want to get married or who don’t want to be
married, one of the two, and never the end will cease. But this couple I went to
yesterday, I’ve known him for, since he was, oh, I guess for the last seven years and he’s
in his 20s now. But he had a childhood sweetheart and they went to school together.
(2:01 – 2:30)
She lived a mile up the road and they never went with anybody else and they decided to
get separate degrees, so they went to separate universities, yet maintained their
relationship and saved up, bought a house and got married yesterday. And I thought,
fairy tales do come true, it can happen to you, you know. But it was so refreshing to see
that, you know, that they aren’t getting married out of resentment or sponsored
direction, they’re, you know, they’re getting married out of love.
(2:32 – 2:51)
And it was really nice and refreshing. I normally wouldn’t do that, but he is like a son to
me, he really is. I was his minister seven years ago and when he was going through
some difficult times and I was really honored to be asked and to ask to be participate in
that wedding.
(2:51 – 3:23)
So I apologize for the speakers for not being here because when I come to a conference,
I go to everybody’s talk, I just do. I believe what they have to say is of equal importance,
if not more than what I have to say, including the little side conversations that, you
know, when we’re having coffee and we’re talking too, because I long to learn, I long to
be taught, I really do. And you know, that’s a turnaround for the first 20 years I was
around, I was pretty sure I knew everything and I had to be right no matter what, you
know, and God, I’m glad that passed.
(3:24 – 3:36)
And a lot of other people are too, I might add. I love Alcoholics Anonymous, I love God,
and I love being sober and I don’t apologize for any of it. I used to, but I don’t anymore.
(3:37 – 3:53)
I just love being here, I love being able to get up in the morning and I don’t know about
you, but when I woke up this morning, a miracle happened the minute I opened my eyes.
And it’s a miracle I found a lot of people forget about, at least I can if I’m not mindful of
it. When I opened my eyes, I didn’t have a compulsion to drink.
(3:54 – 4:22)
That’s a major miracle because I spent a good part of my life wishing I could get away
from that, wishing somehow it would stop, wishing somehow the craziness would just
quit. And the first thing this morning I woke up and I said, good morning God, instead of
good God it’s morning, you know. And I was grateful that I didn’t have that and I started
thanking God for the ability to open my eyes and see the room, to get up and sit on the
side of my bed and to breathe.
(4:23 – 4:35)
Because I have friends that can’t do any of those. How dare I take it for granted? But I
do. You know, a lot of times in AA I always hear people say, well I’m waiting for the
burning bush.
(4:36 – 4:55)
If I see the burning bush, or they say, you know it wasn’t a burning bush thing, it was
kind of. I’ll tell you what, I think we have more burning bushes than anybody I know, any
group of people I know. I mean think of it, I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t drink no
matter what, no matter who I hurt, no matter what it cost, no matter what damage I did,
I couldn’t stop drinking.
(4:56 – 5:12)
And God took that away from me through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. If that isn’t
a burning bush, then what is? Yet I take it for granted, like a lot of people in AA. Yeah,
you’ve taken that from me, what have you done for me lately? Isn’t that true? It’s
amazing.
(5:13 – 5:24)
So that’s why I try to wake up every morning like that, and you know what, most
mornings I do. Some mornings I don’t, but they’re few and far between, and they’re
getting fewer every year, and I’m pleased about that. And the difference is I work on it.
(5:24 – 5:40)
I work on an attitude of gratitude, rather than just having an attitude, you know. Because
I was good at having an attitude before I got here, and after I got here. For those of you
who don’t know me, no I don’t play basketball, yes I have trouble buying clothes and the
weather’s fine up here, thank you very much.
(5:41 – 5:55)
Everybody around here is well trained, they don’t ask the two questions. And it’s the
same two questions by the same size person. First question is, oh how tall are you,
6’10”, oh do you play basketball, no.
(5:55 – 6:20)
How tall are you, 5’4″, oh do you play miniature golf? Seems fair to me, and they made
up the rules. And I love Clancy’s talk last night. Clancy’s been my sponsor for 30 years,
and that’s amazing, that I’ve done anything for 30 years, especially have a continuing
relationship with another human being.
(6:22 – 6:40)
It’s on that basis that I have my other relationships today, and for the most part they’re
successful. I’m real grateful for that, but it was great to hear him talk. He talked about
some things a lot of people hadn’t heard about, a lot of things that I knew because I was
there, and I always love when he shares.
(6:42 – 6:57)
I always love it when he talks about God at the end now, 20 years that wouldn’t have
happened, 20 years ago that wouldn’t have happened, I promise you. I remember when
he first started sponsoring me, when they’d say the Lord’s Prayer, he’d fold his arms,
clasp the two on, and glare. He wasn’t going to say that crap.
(6:58 – 7:45)
And that’s just inspiration to me, it’s just absolutely inspiration to me, that he can talk
about God’s grace today, and that I get to be a part of his life, in a small way, believe
me, because I’m just a little bit of what he’s got going, and I’m grateful to be that. I was
born to a very elite group of people called White Trash, and we worked hard to preserve
our image, it wasn’t easy, but we maintained it, you know, several family members went
to prison, and we had a parked car in the yard, it was, you know, we tried to keep up the
image, but I joke about it now, but I need to tell you that that used to tear my heart out.
Very early on, I realized that there was something different with me.
(7:46 – 7:58)
Seemed to be okay with you, but Clancy described it so well last night, there was
something different with me. I hurt when I wasn’t supposed to hurt, and didn’t even
know why I was hurt. I felt wrong when I was probably right.
(7:59 – 8:34)
I’ll tell you what I mean by that. I remember years ago, in my neighborhood there in
Davenport, Iowa, down on 6th and LeClaire, I was reading a National Geographic, and
God, I saw some starving kids in there, I don’t know, it was probably at schools where I
saw, but it really bothered me that these little kids were starving. Now, I need to tell you,
we weren’t doing that hot, but my heart just went out to these kids, and I mentioned it to
one of the guys that I hang out with, I said, isn’t this terrible? He said, who cares, man,
what’s wrong with you? And I thought, see, I’m wrong, I shouldn’t care.
(8:35 – 9:04)
And what I’m realizing, the longer I’m sober, is I was exactly right to care. One of the
things I’m finding out as I stay sober, that those feelings I had were the right feelings,
and I changed them to conform to this misguided world, and I ended up really screwed
up. I don’t know what brought it to mind, but when I was young, I used to have, I talk
about it from time to time, but rarely, I had a bad speech impediment when I was a kid,
and I thought that did.
(9:05 – 9:26)
But my family, my mom used to always make me say, that’s it, that’s it, you don’t have
to tell me, you know. And it was just, you know, it was just bad. And I really, really was
embarrassing, I fight a lot, people beat me up, and I’m not making fun of that, it was
difficult.
(9:27 – 9:55)
And they sent me to a speech therapist, and I was in this room, and I remember she had
me playing with blocks, and talking to me. And the last time they let me play blocks,
they didn’t help me talk, and I played with the blocks, and she kept talking, and she kept
talking, and she made me focus on those blocks and kept talking, and then one day, she
said to me, Ed, you no longer have to come. And I said, why? She said, you no longer
have a speech impediment.
(9:57 – 10:10)
And that’s Alcoholics Anonymous, and sponsorship. They make you do things that make
no sense at all, and before you knew it, what was killing you is gone. And if you
remember to play with the blocks, it’ll never come back.
(10:12 – 10:21)
But my blocks were messed up. I had a terrible attitude going in. I not only was an
alcoholic, I was a jerk on top of it, you know.
(10:21 – 10:31)
And you mix that combo up, it’s really not good. One of the things in my fourth and fifth
step were things that I did stark raving sober. A lot of things were.
(10:31 – 10:36)
I couldn’t blame it on being drunk. I was stark raving sober. I beat a guy halfway to death
one time.
(10:37 – 10:47)
Scott County Jail. They were arrested for explosives or something. We had a kangaroo
court, and we convicted him, and I was the jailer.
(10:47 – 10:56)
I beat that guy almost to death and laughed about it. And I’ll tell you something else
about that. That didn’t bother me in my fourth step.
(10:58 – 11:12)
I mean, yeah, I wish I wouldn’t have done it, but it didn’t bother me near as much as the
look in my mother’s eye one more time, or my loved one’s eye one more time when I let
him down. That’s the stuff in that inventory that killed me. It was the little nickel and
dime compromises.
(11:14 – 11:20)
Stealing out of my mother’s purse. Lying when you didn’t have to. Just lying.
(11:21 – 11:25)
Embellishing when it wasn’t necessary. The truth was more than fine. I’d lie anyway.
(11:26 – 11:44)
Those were the things that caused me to stay the sick person I was for a long, long time.
I started doing something when I was young, and it took me years and sobriety to stop
doing it. And I describe it as my 299 to 1 theory.
(11:44 – 11:53)
I’d walk into a room of 300 people, 299 could turn around to me and say, Ed, you’re the
greatest. We love you. And one could go, jerk.
(11:54 – 12:07)
Guess who got my full attention? Now here’s the sick part about it. Not only did they get
my full attention, but eventually the 299 didn’t exist anymore. My life was full of ones.
(12:09 – 12:19)
And I’d put them in my little bag of life, and I’d walk through life. And I’d get another one.
Somebody said to me, you’re going to be dead by the time you’re 21 and in prison.
(12:19 – 12:23)
Put that bag in the one. You’re a worthless human being. Put that in your one.
(12:23 – 12:32)
You’re a dumb little SOB. Put that one in my bag. And when you start out young and you
start loading that bag up, that bag gets heavy quick.
(12:33 – 12:38)
It really gets heavy quick. Church. My mother used to drag us to church.
(12:38 – 12:47)
That was always fun. Some guy up there in all ministers have thin blue lips and talk like
this. They’d be looking at you, you’re going to burn in hell, young man.
(12:47 – 13:03)
And I thought, how does he know? I’ve only been here an hour, you know? And I
remember that one guy sitting in the front of the church, and he had thin blue lips and
he was looking so prim and proper. And I saw him in the bar last night, looked like he
was having a lot more fun there. And that lady he was with seemed to be having a lot
more fun too.
(13:05 – 13:21)
And I judged the entire church by that one, see. I’m a carrier of ones, and it’s a sickness,
and it not only destroys me, but anybody that comes in contact with me. It’s a negativity
at the base of my soul that I don’t know how I got it, but I’m an expert immediately.
(13:23 – 13:40)
And if you feel like that, there’s only one thing you can do, and there’s a magical elixir
that’ll make it not matter so much, and that’s a little alcohol. I ingest a little alcohol, and
I don’t know that it went boom, but it made it so it didn’t matter so much. The bag got
lighter.
(13:40 – 13:47)
It didn’t matter. And just for a little while, I could be whoever I wanted. And then, of
course, we all know it wears off.
(13:49 – 13:55)
So what do you do? You end up drinking again. I don’t know when I took my first drink. I
just know I did, and I’m glad I did.
(13:55 – 14:06)
I don’t bad rap alcohol. That’s like talking bad about an old girlfriend, you know. Alcohol
was good to me for a long time, but like most of my other relationships, I end up abusing
it and ruining it too, you know.
(14:06 – 14:26)
There’s a lot of people out there that drink for the taste. I don’t understand them, but I
hear they’re there, you know. One of the jobs I had when I was a couple years sober was
I was a bartender and a bouncer in L.A., and I fixed this guy a drink, and he took a few
drinks, and he started walking away, and I said, hey, hey, where are you going, bud? You
got your drink here.
(14:26 – 14:34)
He said, yeah, yeah, I’m done with it. He said, what do you mean, done? It’s three
quarters here. I could not comprehend somebody just taking a little two sips.
(14:35 – 14:49)
And then there was real strange people. They’d order seven sevens, and I’d give it to
them, and they’d go, can you put a little more seven up in there? And I’d think, what’s
wrong with you? I’m Santa Claus, you know. They just registered differently than I did.
(14:52 – 15:05)
I had a problem with authority from a very early age. I didn’t want to hear it. And my
problem with authority was fear that I was going to fail anyway, so I might as well be in
your face about it, you know.
(15:06 – 15:16)
I’ve always been big for my age. That was bad news, because when I was 14, I looked
21, and people expected me to act 21. I was only 14.
(15:16 – 15:31)
It was an impossibility, but I didn’t know that until I was 28. It just helped with what’s
wrong with me. Why am I different? I remember at the ripe old age of 13, I was arrested
by the Iowa Highway Patrol for possession of a sawed-off shotgun, and it wasn’t to
entertain you, I promise you.
(15:32 – 15:38)
It was I was already to the point of you weren’t going to hurt me anymore. Do you think
you’re tough? Bring it on. That’s what fear will do for you.
(15:39 – 16:04)
You think you’re tough? Bring it on. And I remember that night they threw me in jail, and
it was a federal offense, because it was a double-barreled 12-gauge that was like 14
inches long, and that violates all federal guidelines, and they threw me in jail to teach
me a lesson, because my brother spent a lot of time in jail. And I remember acting tough
and going into jail.
(16:04 – 16:13)
When you’re 13, but you look 20, you can act tough. Like Clancy said, man, I learned to
act crazy right away. You get crazy, people will back off from you.
(16:14 – 16:26)
And when you get big, they’ll really back off from you. And I remember acting tough and
going to bed and crying myself to sleep that night, just terrified. Just terrified, what’s
going to happen to me? I always swore I wouldn’t end up here.
(16:27 – 16:40)
I wouldn’t be like my brothers, and here I am. It’s like being a child. I’ll never do that to
my kids, and then when we become adults, we find us doing the very same thing, and
corrections need to be made, but I didn’t know a correction should be made.
(16:40 – 16:47)
I just thought I was bad. Most of my life before I got here, I just thought I was bad. I was
rotten to the core.
(16:50 – 17:08)
And an analogy I like to use anymore is, it’s like I carried around a cooler with me, an old
cooler, and I had vegetables in it. There were wonderful vegetables at one time, and I
put them in there, and then I just forget about them, and they get rotten. And I start
carrying that around, or it’s my bag of ones, if you want.
(17:08 – 17:21)
I start carrying that around. Every once in a while in life, I’ll see a wonderful vegetable,
and I’ll say, oh, there’s some hope, there’s some goodness. And I put it in my container,
and I go to show it to somebody the next day, and guess what? It’s rotten.
(17:24 – 17:41)
And I went on with life. In life, I never realized that the whole idea of the 12 steps, as far
as I’m concerned, is to clean the container so we can keep the vegetables fresh and pass
it on. But until I clean the inside, cleaning up the outside all you want isn’t going to help
much.
(17:41 – 17:59)
It will temporarily, but sooner or later, I had to work where I lived. Because you know, we
can come to meetings, and we can spout all kinds of stuff. But you want to know what
kind of program you got? One o’clock in the morning when there’s nobody around to
impress, how are you doing then? That separates us.
(17:59 – 18:09)
That tells us how we’re doing. That tells you whether you really got God in your life, or
whether you got a program in your life, or you’re just running a sham. And it’s okay to be
running a sham.
(18:09 – 18:19)
Just understand it and change it, or else you won’t be here long. I went to my first AA
meeting when I was 10 years old. I’ve got a brother sober 44 years.
(18:19 – 18:34)
He’s so sober and dry, they won’t let people smoke around him anymore. Afraid he’ll go
up in flames, excuse me. And he took me to ANA, down there at the Blandine Club.
(18:35 – 18:48)
God, what a dreary place that was. He’d go in there and it was smoke filled, and people
were gambling and making money and talking about being sober, and I thought, yeah,
this is something I want. And I remember some old guy at a meeting stood up.
(18:48 – 18:56)
He must have been 30. He said, my name’s Fred, and I’m an alcoholic, and I thought,
good for you, Fred. And I thought, I’ll never be here anymore.
(18:56 – 19:12)
I’ll never be here, because even at 10 years old, I already knew I was different. At 10
years old, it was already memories of what might have been, what could have been, and
why was I born where I was. And that whole bag of ones, that whole bag of ones just
weighed me down.
(19:16 – 19:32)
I, like Jim, I was not one, when you offered me something, I wouldn’t say, oh, what will
these do to you? Fred, you got any more, you know? Because I wanted out of it. There
got to a point in my life where the last thing I wanted was to feel. The last thing I wanted
was reality.
(19:33 – 19:49)
And I’d come to AA meetings, and they’d say, you know, if you keep drinking like that,
you’re going to die. And I thought, when? Don’t make promises you can’t keep. When?
You see, if you got a life like I had going in, you don’t want it back.
(19:49 – 19:56)
We’re going to give you our life back. No thanks, I’ll pass. And people don’t think of that.
(19:57 – 20:04)
It’s like restore you to sanity. I took that as restore my life, and I thought, I don’t want
that mess. I’ve hated my life since I opened my eyes.
(20:05 – 20:16)
Why would I want that back? And to this day, I don’t tell somebody, if you keep drinking
like that, you’re going to die. I tell them, you keep drinking like that, you might live a
long time. That’ll scare them.
(20:17 – 20:25)
Shook me right up, you know? January 5th of 1971, I got sober. I really didn’t mean to. It
wasn’t in my plan either.
(20:25 – 20:39)
I was in a car wreck on 6th and LeClaire, and laid in the middle of the street. It was 18
below zero, and I was laying in the middle of the street, pretending like I was knocked
out. I’m not sure why, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
(20:40 – 20:55)
And I too was a cop fighter, which is the dumbest thing you can ever be, because there’s
always more of them. And I never knew that, somehow. But I was laying in the middle of
the street, and these policemen came up, and I could hear them clearly, and they said,
that’s Mutum, don’t touch him, he’s the scum of the earth.
(20:55 – 20:59)
Don’t even cover him. Car’s probably hot. Let that SOB freeze.
(21:01 – 21:07)
And I didn’t say a word. I agreed. For the first time in my life, there was no fight.
(21:09 – 21:20)
I agreed. For some reason, it was clear to me that day that the very best decisions I
could make put me there. That it wasn’t how I was raised, what I had, what I didn’t have.
(21:20 – 21:31)
Who my parents were, how I was treated, all that nonsense. It had to do with my
decision-making process, and the reality that I couldn’t drink or use, no matter what. And
I knew that.
(21:31 – 21:39)
I instinctively knew that. They took me to the hospital, and some guy came in, and made
a 12-step call on me. His name was Hap.
(21:39 – 21:44)
There’s somebody you want to see when you’re hungover and got a brain concussion.
Somebody named Happy. You know, with a big smile.
(21:44 – 21:51)
Hi, Ed, I’m from AA. And I thought, get out of my room. And he said, we don’t drink and
we don’t use one day at a time.
(21:51 – 21:59)
And I don’t know why I got honest that day, but I said, you don’t understand. I can’t
make it a whole day without something. I just can’t.
(21:59 – 22:11)
And he said, well, all you have to do is try. And that’s the only thing I’ve done
consistently from that day to this, is try. Tried to be the best member of Alcoholics
Anonymous I could be, and some days it wasn’t too hot.
(22:11 – 22:21)
I’m not proud to tell you, but at least I was trying. At least I was trying. I started going to
meetings, and I made the mistakes a lot of people make, I guess.
(22:23 – 22:29)
I don’t know about a lot of people. I sure made them. And thought I knew something
when I didn’t know anything.
(22:31 – 22:43)
Trying to talk more about than what I knew about. I got sober cold turkey, and I had
been on a two-year run of morphine at that time. And that’s mentioned in the book, by
the way.
(22:43 – 22:50)
That’s what a lot of alcoholics had, is detox from alcohol. And I was shaking. I was quick.
(22:50 – 22:55)
I was, oh, God. How you doing, Ed? Oh, good. Yeah, you? Good? Nice to see you.
(22:56 – 23:06)
And I just had a couple rules. Don’t come up behind me, and don’t touch me. If you redid
that, I’d get along okay.
(23:07 – 23:20)
You know that quarter cup of coffee, and you work up to a half cup, and then you work
up to three-quarter cup, think you were something. There was an old guy named Harry
there. God bless Harry.
(23:22 – 23:38)
Harry violated the golden rules, and thank God he did. Harry was a coffee pourer at
Central Discussion, and of late, they moved back to that room where the meeting used
to be held, and they set the tables up in the same way. Every time I go in there, I see
Harry.
(23:40 – 23:56)
Harry would pour coffee, and he’d come around, and he’d put his hand right here on my
shoulder, and he’d pour my coffee. And I don’t know why, but when Harry did that, the
madness stopped. The war stopped, and everything was okay for a minute, and I could
breathe deeply.
(23:57 – 24:11)
It was just wonderful. And then Harry’d go on to pour some more coffee, and I’d drink
that coffee just as quick as I could, so Harry’d come back. You know what we say and do
to people in AA is very important, and in the world.
(24:12 – 24:16)
We keep saying, oh, it doesn’t matter. The hell it doesn’t. That’s crap.
(24:16 – 24:27)
You want to be an arrogant inventory taker, be one, but you’re killing people. At least I
was. And Harry saved my life that day.
(24:27 – 24:45)
My only regret is I never told Harry, Harry, thanks for the human touch. Thanks for loving
me and making me feel calm when I didn’t know what it was. Years later, when I got out
to California, there was a guy named Jim Arm, and Jimmy was from Malibu, Malibu,
California.
(24:45 – 24:54)
He was a salesman, and he was from Texas, and he’d talk like this and rub his hands
together. He said, you know, one time I asked a psychologist why I did this. He told me I
smacked him right in the nose, you know.
(24:55 – 25:23)
Jimmy was just amazing. And my first year sober, I had dreadful depressions, dreadful
depressions, suicidal depressions, and black, black days, and unfortunately for some, I
found the steps worked with that, and I know people, that upsets people, but pray for
me. But that’s what I used, and that’s why I no longer have depressions, because it
works just fine.
(25:23 – 25:49)
But that day I was in that dark, dark space, and I remember walking into the club on
26th and Broadway in Santa Monica, and Jim was there. And I don’t know if Jim said it to
everybody or not, but I know he said it to me. I’d walk by, and my plan was to go to the
club, have a cup of coffee, and then go to Clancy’s house where I was living in the
garage, and turn on the gas of the coffee pots.
(25:49 – 25:58)
He has big coffee pots out there where the yard meets. Turn on the gas and just go to
sleep. No dramatics, no notes, no nothing.
(25:58 – 26:16)
I’m just tired. I can’t make it sober, and I know it. And I walk into that club, and I walk
into Jim, and I say, hi, Jim, how are you? And every time, it was like the world stopped,
and Jim would look right into my eyes, and he’d say, I’m much better for seeing you, my
friend, much better for seeing you.
(26:17 – 26:31)
And I’d think, well, if a guy like Jimmy likes me, maybe I don’t have to die today. Maybe
I’m wrong, and he saved my life. So what we say and do does count, you know, it really
does.
(26:31 – 26:38)
We can run, people say you can’t run people out AA. They’re full of crap. I do a lot of
funerals.
(26:38 – 26:48)
I see them. We need to be mindful of that, I believe. We can tell the truth in many
different ways.
(26:48 – 26:59)
It doesn’t have to be destroying them while we do it. And I was good at that for a long
time, too. I go to meetings, and I remember Father Tom came up to me.
(27:00 – 27:12)
Goody two-shoes priest. And he said, Ed, why don’t you come back to church? And at
about six months sober, you get honesty. At about eight months, you get a little tact to
go with it.
(27:12 – 27:20)
I was at the six-month point. And I said, I’ll tell you why I don’t go to church. It’s full of
thieves, hypocrites, and liars.
(27:21 – 27:35)
Man, I felt good about telling him, too. He looked back at me and said, well, why don’t
you come? One more won’t hurt. Annoyed me to no end, I’ll tell you.
(27:39 – 27:47)
I remember sitting in the club about that same time, and I’d gotten the key to the club.
And I had my feet up on the table. An old-timer named Logan walked in.
(27:48 – 27:56)
And Logan said, you think you got all the answers, don’t you, kid? And I said, no. But I
was thinking, yep, pretty much got this wrapped up. And he said, well, I was young once.
(27:56 – 28:02)
But you’ve never been old. I was young once. But you’ve never been old.
(28:02 – 28:18)
From that day to this, I don’t bad-wrap any old-timer. First time in my life I ever
entertained the fact that maybe they have felt the way I feel, that maybe everything
isn’t unique unto me. And it was amazing.
(28:20 – 28:33)
The mistake I made that first year that I was starting to share with you is I came to AA,
and they talked to me about God. And I don’t know about you, but that whole God thing
was just annoying to me. I didn’t want to talk about it.
(28:33 – 28:44)
I used to say I was an atheist or an agnostic, but I realized I was neither. Everything I
knew about God, I hated. So if I was anything, I hated God, the God that I’d been taught
about.
(28:44 – 28:55)
Remember, I’m a collector of ones. The God that would rip people out of your life to
make angels out of them. I remember when I was 10 years old, and my cousin was
walking across the street.
(28:57 – 29:02)
And if there was anybody God-like, it was Linda. She did everything right. She was
wonderful.
(29:03 – 29:17)
She on her roll, and top of her class, and going to college, and getting married, doing
everything right in our family. She was just wonderful. And she was walking across the
street and got hit by a truck and killed her.
(29:18 – 29:28)
And do you know what people said, or at least what I heard? God must have wanted an
angel. So I said, oh, so he hits you with a truck. I’ll pass.
(29:29 – 29:39)
And you know what? To this day, I’ll still pass. Because the God that I know and love
doesn’t take anybody from me. Human beings do.
(29:40 – 29:46)
Human acts do. And when they leave me, God welcomes them. But he didn’t take them.
(29:47 – 29:56)
I don’t know about you, but that was big for me. It’s funny how we look at things. I had a
guy come into my office a few months ago.
(29:58 – 30:04)
And it was on a Monday. And I said, how are you? He said, well, I’m feeling bad. And I
said, why? He said, well, Friday’s the anniversary of my young daughter’s death.
(30:05 – 30:37)
And I said, so you’re planning the depression already? Is that? Well, that’s what he was
doing. And I said, can I give you a suggestion? He said, yeah. I said, why don’t you spend
the day celebrating her life and all the wonderfulness she gave you, instead of thinking
about you all day? How about celebrating her memory and being about love and
thanksgiving for the time you had, then mourning the few moments that she died? He
got mad and stormed out and walked away.
(30:37 – 30:47)
And I know why. It’s tough not being a victim, especially when we’ve come to identify
with it. Oh, I’ve had it so tough.
(30:48 – 30:56)
That’s why a lot of people have trouble sober, I believe. You get happy, joyous, and free,
and you screw it up. Why? Because it’s unfamiliar territory.
(30:57 – 31:03)
We always got something wrong. We got memories from when we were childhood that
we got a death grip on. We ain’t going to let go.
(31:04 – 31:09)
Why? Because it makes me feel bad, and it’s familiar. Don’t tell me to let go of that. OK.
(31:09 – 31:16)
OK. Hang on. It’s just amazing.
(31:17 – 31:28)
And the reason I know that is I have done that. There’s an amazing thing in Alcoholics
Anonymous, and I think in the world. The things that upset me the most today are the
things I have been or still am.
(31:30 – 31:52)
Isn’t that funny? The things that upset me the most in the world are the things that I am
or have been or have the capability of doing. When I see something negative in
somebody else, I know it’s because I’ve been there usually, especially in AA, because I
got some time now. If it really annoys me, believe me, I take a look and say, oh, that has
to be me.
(31:52 – 31:57)
That has to be a reflection of how I was. And it’s just annoying. And there’s a saying in
AA.
(31:58 – 32:18)
They say, you know, if you point your finger at somebody else and you point, there’s
three pointing back. You ever heard that one? And that’s true, but what they don’t tell
you is it’s for the good stuff, too. That if you see something that really touches your heart
and moves you and makes you feel wonderful, it’s because it exists in you.
(32:19 – 32:28)
That’s the only way you can identify it. It’s the only way it can be. It works for the good
stuff, too.
(32:29 – 32:35)
But we like one, so we’ll settle for the negative, you know. But it’s the good stuff. It’s
about hope.
(32:35 – 32:41)
It’s about love. It’s about purity. It’s about, God forbid, holiness, you know.
(32:42 – 32:47)
If you feel any of that stuff, it’s because it’s true. It exists in you. I didn’t know that.
(32:48 – 33:01)
But they started talking about God, and I had all this trouble with God. And you know,
gosh, every time we turn around, somebody was dying in my life. I had a brother in the
military who Megan and I talked about last night.
(33:01 – 33:06)
He was 24 years old. He was my hero. He’d come out of that neighborhood, and he was
honor man of his class.
(33:06 – 33:15)
And he was just a heck of a guy. And he was mean to me. He was mean to me because
he wanted so bad for me to be better than what I was.
(33:16 – 33:24)
He was tough. I remember I had long hair at that time, and I was living in Mellington,
Tennessee. So he decided to cut my hair, and God, was that a mess.
(33:26 – 33:33)
But he loved me, and I respected him so much. And he went over to Vietnam, and he
came home. And he went over to Vietnam, and he came home.
(33:34 – 33:45)
And we thought, oh, he’s safe. And then he was on his way to the base one day, and
three drunk Marines come up over the hill doing 80 mile an hour and swung into his lane.
And the three drunk Marines were brothers, and they were all killed instantly.
(33:46 – 34:00)
And we buried my brother December 24th with a full military funeral. I knew for a long
time that ruined my Christmas until I remembered that was just today. It wasn’t
Christmas.
(34:02 – 34:10)
But for years, God, when I heard taps, I was done. I was absolutely done. I wouldn’t let
you see that, of course.
(34:11 – 34:19)
But it just killed me. And people would say, God must have wanted another angel. God
must have, and I’d think, keep him.
(34:19 – 34:28)
God, I was mad. Keep him. So I started professing a faith in AA that I didn’t have.
(34:28 – 34:35)
I’d see old timers in AA. They were talking about God, and I could see in their eyes they
meant it. But I didn’t get it.
(34:35 – 34:41)
So I started parroting what they said. God’s in his heaven, all right with the world. Easy
does it, live and let live.
(34:44 – 34:51)
Secretly, I wanted to choke you to death, but you know. And you know, it was just me. It
was just madness.
(34:52 – 35:10)
And I’ll tell you the problem with that. Eventually, in your sobriety, I hope whatever you
believe in God is really the truth, really the truth. Because there will come a time in your
sobriety and in your life when that’s the only thing that’s going to stand in between you
and a drink, or you and suicide.
(35:10 – 35:21)
It’s in our book, the drink part. But to drink is to die either way. And so it’s important that
you be honest about where you’re at with God.
(35:21 – 35:28)
I didn’t know how to be. And I professed this faith. And I was about a year sober, and my
dad asked me to come over for dinner.
(35:29 – 35:56)
And that may not be unusual for you, but when my old man asked me over for dinner, I
was usually in trouble. I’d been kicked out of the house since I was 13 with good reason,
and now that I was sober, they’d allow me back in from time to time. And he invited me
over for dinner, and I’d hung around you guys, and you kept telling me to bring a new
attitude into old situations, that if the family situation was still the same as it was before
I drank, I had to be behaving the same.
(35:57 – 36:09)
Because if I’d changed, it had to change a little. And you told me to act better than I feel.
So I suited up, and I showed up, and I went to dinner that night, and about halfway
through dinner, dad said, boy, I thought, here it comes.
(36:09 – 36:17)
And I said, yeah, pop. He said, just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. And you
could have knocked me over with a feather.
(36:18 – 36:35)
You know, when I got sober, they said you can dream, and you can have lists, and you
can do this, and things. That wouldn’t even have made the list. In fact, if you had hooked
a lie detector up to me when I’d walked into the room that night, and asked me, do I care
what that old man thinks of me, I would have said no, and it would have said true.
(36:37 – 36:44)
How grateful I am that I was so wrong. Because when he said that to me, I’d never felt
better. Ever.
(36:49 – 36:55)
And I went to the meeting that night, and I went home. And afterwards, I got a call from
my mother, who was crying and hysterical. And she said, Ed, come home quick.
(36:56 – 37:08)
And I said, what’s wrong, Mom? She was just horrified. And I said, what’s wrong? And she
said, I don’t know, Eddie. They went across the street to get a quart of beer and a bottle
of pop, and now they’re carrying bodies out.
(37:08 – 37:21)
There’s police everywhere. And it was one of those ice storm nights, where you had a
quarter inch of ice over everything. I’m driving across town, thinking, well, I’m being
good now, and God isn’t going to get me anymore.
(37:21 – 37:30)
He isn’t going to punish anybody for my actions. And I drive over there, and I see more
cops than I’ve seen ever before since then. And they were everywhere.
(37:30 – 37:38)
And it’s funny how those cops had shaped up that year I was sober. Tell you something
amazing. You quit swinging at them, they’ll quit putting you in jail.
(37:38 – 37:47)
I never knew that one, boy. And I’d been working in the courts that year. At that time,
Alcoholics Anonymous itself was in the courts.
(37:47 – 37:56)
And if somebody had a problem, we’d take them to meetings, and they’d get sober. And
a lot of those people are still sober. In fact, a few years ago, I had my 30th birthday.
(37:56 – 38:04)
And it was a wonderful time. Clancy came and talked. And there were six people who
were just very important in my early sobriety.
(38:04 – 38:12)
And all six of them were still there and still sober. We tend to think the new ideas work
and the old don’t. Crap.
(38:12 – 38:23)
The old ideas and the old book is what we need to stick closer to, in my opinion. But I
walked into that bar. And they had known I was sober.
(38:23 – 38:31)
And one of the officers said, Ed, what are you doing here? And I said, my old man was in
here. He said, oh, God, Ed. And I said, why? What’s wrong? He said, we don’t know.
(38:31 – 38:39)
All we can tell you is somebody came in and shot everybody. And I looked down the bar.
And I saw a pool of blood with my father’s glasses all mangled up in it.
(38:40 – 38:42)
Ed, I do. I didn’t want to know. But I knew.
(38:44 – 38:55)
So they suggested I go up to the hospital where all the bodies were taken. And I went up
to the hospital. And I ran into an officer who didn’t care that I was sober and didn’t want
to forget the past.
(38:55 – 39:05)
And he was very rude and vulgar and nasty. And he suggested to me that he had
identified all the bodies. And it’s for me to leave before I get arrested.
(39:06 – 39:15)
Only it was very, you know, another AA miracle. Because of you, they weren’t looking for
a new lieutenant that night. Because I told you, I was a cop fighter.
(39:15 – 39:21)
And he’d give me the best excuses in the world. And you’d ruin me. You see, I’d hung
around you for a year.
(39:21 – 39:27)
And you started to change my heart and change my mind. I looked at him and said, OK.
And I went back to the house.
(39:27 – 39:38)
And I got on the phone. And I called the narc cop that for the last five years of my
drinking and using, tried his best to put me in jail. He put me in the back of his squad
down on 4th and Harrison one day.
(39:39 – 39:48)
And he said, Ed, I’m going to tell you something. If I see you leaving the scene of the
crime or think I see you leaving the scene of the crime, I’m going to shoot to kill and not
stop. And I said, everything’s fair in love and war, chump.
(39:50 – 39:55)
That’s the relationship we had. I’m a year sober. And I call up Bob.
(39:56 – 40:02)
And I said, Bob, dad was in the tavern. He said, oh, Ed, hold on. He knew I was sober.
(40:02 – 40:08)
They watched me close. They knew I was sober. And he fed me information.
(40:08 – 40:19)
And the only thing we could come up with is they either took dad hostage or he got shot
and wandered outside somewhere. So we formed a search party. And that’s horrible.
(40:19 – 40:30)
Please, God, you never know what that is. You don’t want to look in the garbage cans for
your dad and under porches and parked cars. But you know you got to, because we can’t
find him.
(40:31 – 40:46)
And I’d always hoped you wouldn’t even have an inkling of that, and then September
11th happened. And all of us got a taste of senseless homicide that just rips your heart
out at the core. Everybody knows now how I felt that night.
(40:46 – 40:54)
It was my prayer that you wouldn’t. And I still keep in prayer those that are still looking
for their families. I only had to look about eight, nine hours.
(40:55 – 41:05)
Some of them are still waiting for that knock on the door, that phone call. I pray for them
every single day. Sometimes we think we have bad days.
(41:06 – 41:25)
What about them? 8 o’clock the next morning, that officer called up and said, well, Ed,
anybody could have made a mistake. Why don’t you come up and identify your old man?
So I went up that hospital and walked past that lieutenant, walked into that morgue. And
I saw my father on that metal table with that bullet hole in his face.
(41:26 – 41:35)
And I just got sad and cold. I thought, what a joke this God is. It all came back.
(41:35 – 41:46)
I reached for that faith I’d been professing, and I had done no real building on rock. It
had all been on sand and cliches and nice wording. Belief in God is an inside job.
(41:46 – 41:50)
It isn’t verbal. It’s inside. And I didn’t know that.
(41:50 – 42:05)
God, I wish I would have, because I don’t know if I’ve ever had a more empty or lost
feeling than standing there by my dad, reaching for that faith. And I come up with
absolutely nothing. And I left that hospital.
(42:06 – 42:16)
And you know, I’ve reviewed it several times over the last few years. And everywhere I
went, there was an AA member right here or right here. They’d give me a little wink or a
thumbs up or a hug.
(42:18 – 42:23)
And they’re just like my God. They were everywhere I was. And if I needed anything,
they’d do it.
(42:24 – 42:29)
And I was just surrounded by love. And I was not an easy guy to love at that time. I
promise you.
(42:30 – 42:42)
I was arrogant and rude and nasty, because I didn’t know how to be any other other way.
I remember years later, I asked my sponsor. I said, Clancy, how do you be kind and
loving? He said, you act that way, Ed.
(42:43 – 42:54)
And I would have never thought of that. He said, you start to be that way. And I said,
well, how do you be a gentleman? He said, you start acting like one.
(42:54 – 43:05)
I said, it can’t be that simple. He said, why? And the reality is, whatever you want to be,
be that today. Start.
(43:06 – 43:13)
Act that way. It’s amazing. And oh, God, the people were incredible.
(43:13 – 43:26)
And at the funeral, I was there with my dad. A priest did the funeral named Father Grubb
from the Quad Cities. And he was kind of a rebel priest, which was he and I used to have
long talks about alcoholism while he drank scotch on the rocks.
(43:29 – 43:39)
Sure glad he got sober. Anyway, he did the funeral. And halfway through the funeral, or
starting in the funeral, he said something that gave me one of the keys to the kingdom.
(43:39 – 43:44)
He said, you know, a lot of people would say Clifford’s death is God’s will. He said, I don’t
believe that. And I sat right up in the chair.
(43:46 – 43:53)
And I listened. He said, God created human beings. They made choices and decisions.
(43:54 – 44:03)
And created human beings, gave them a free will. They made choices and decisions that
caused this to happen. And now it’s God’s will.
(44:05 – 44:19)
You mean God didn’t take Dad because I’d been mad? No. I used to say, if there’s a God,
why are there starving children in the world? The answer’s crystal clear anymore. It’s
because we’re not feeding them.
(44:19 – 44:25)
Got plenty of food. Don’t blame God anymore. Why is people dying of cancer? Simple.
(44:26 – 44:30)
We pollute everything we touch. And blame it on everybody else. Don’t blame God
anymore.
(44:32 – 44:43)
So I walked away from there like the weight of the world fell off my shoulders. You see,
when I created a God of my very own, I wanted a kind, and loving, and forgiving God.
And that’s the very God I have today.
(44:45 – 44:51)
And that’s what I suggest for you. You sit down and really think what you can believe and
what you can’t believe. I don’t care what you’ve been taught.
(44:51 – 44:59)
I don’t care what people have been forced to read in you for years. What do you think?
Start there. My first honest prayer was, God, I don’t know if you’re there or not.
(44:59 – 45:11)
I sure hope so. It was the truth. I got called into court to testify against one of the guys,
and he was sitting there with his little attitude and acting like he was tough.
(45:11 – 45:21)
And I thought, give me five minutes in the back room with him, we won’t need this trial.
In fact, bring all five of them in, we won’t need this trial. I wasn’t kidding.
(45:22 – 45:30)
I was not kidding, by God’s grace. And you’d spoiled me. I’d been around AA too long.
(45:30 – 45:42)
They told me I might be the only example of AA somebody ever sees for me to go into
that courtroom and answer the questions and leave. So I did. And I left there, and they
convicted that man, and I was pleased about that.
(45:43 – 45:53)
And they convicted all the others, and I left. And I wasn’t to look at that situation for a
long time. I ended up going to Southern California.
(45:54 – 45:59)
God talked to me. Now, you’ve got to be careful when God talks to you. That’s why we
have sponsors.
(46:00 – 46:10)
Our sponsors interprets our messages from God. It’s very good. I remember one time I
went to my sponsor and said, you know, God told me this, that, and the other thing.
(46:10 – 46:32)
And he listened patiently, and he said, you know, this message from God looks strangely
like your handwriting, you know? OK. But I also need to tell you this, because I read that
book. And the book says we are to lead a life of inspiration, that we are to experience a
bit of heaven here and be rocketed into a fourth dimension of living.
(46:32 – 46:49)
I don’t think that’s cheesy little sentences in a book. I think if I’m not living that way,
then I’m doing something wrong. And I believe we are to have a conscious contact with
God, as we understand, and that we’re supposed to lead inspirational lives.
(46:49 – 47:02)
I absolutely believe that. I didn’t for a long time, because I didn’t want to give up the
defects to get there, see? Didn’t want to really clean the cooler I was talking about. Half
measures, I thought, would avail me something.
(47:03 – 47:34)
You know, for so long, I thought that Alcoholics Anonymous was just talking about
alcohol, and God, I like that, because it wouldn’t talk about all the other stuff I was into,
and shucking and jiving and pretending like it doesn’t matter, you know? And I’ll tell you,
one of the big reasons we’re leasing a lot of people out of AA is a lot of other addictions,
from the internet to gambling to everything else. Don’t talk about them here. Why not?
Why not? It says, practice these principles in all our affairs.
(47:34 – 47:45)
And if I’m not, that’s the one that’s going to eat my breakfast. I don’t know about you,
but that’s the one that’ll creep up on me and go, uh! And not even know it. We were
talking about materialism last night, how easily that can creep in.
(47:46 – 47:53)
All that stuff can creep in. I’ve got to work this in every area of my life. Alcohol is but a
symptom.
(47:53 – 48:09)
I have to change my mind and my heart and my actions. And a lot of times, my actions
change before my heart and mind. Isn’t that funny? Used to be a saying you heard all
the time, I have to act my way into a new way of thinking.
(48:09 – 48:16)
I can’t think my way into a new way of acting. It’s really true. It’s the same thing like if
you want to be kind and loving, act that way, and you will become it.
(48:18 – 48:30)
And it’s faith. It’s faith in actions. I’m interested with people who talk to me about faith,
and they’re concerned because they’re worried, and their faith.
(48:30 – 48:45)
They feel because they had a wonderful connection with God, and they lost it, and all of
a sudden, they’re thinking, oh, I’m bad now. No, that’s called lack of faith, and what we
need is faith. If you didn’t have doubt from time to time, there’d be no need for faith.
(48:46 – 49:00)
What there? So doubt is a normal part of life. Doubt is a normal part of this process.
Doubt in this program, in your sponsor, in everything is a normal part of this process, but
we stay here anyway through faith.
(49:02 – 49:14)
Faith in this program, and my sponsors louder than my own head, thank you, God.
Especially my sponsors louder than my own head. He taught me so many things.
(49:14 – 49:36)
I remember one time he walked up to me, and he had a $5 bill in his hand, and I was
broke. I was living in Venice about that long before it became popular, story of my life.
Venice Beach, Muscle Beach, and he walked up, and he shook my hand, had $5 in it, and
I took that, and I said, oh, I can’t have, I can’t, oh, gee, I can’t take, I can’t take this.
(49:36 – 49:57)
And Clancy, in his mild way, said, shut up. Why don’t you just shut up? He said, why has
it always got to be about you? Why do you have to destroy the spirit of the giver? Why
don’t you just say thank you and shut up? So I said, well, let me ponder that. I got the
point.
(49:59 – 50:12)
When someone gives me something, they’re not asking me to take an inventory. They’ve
already considered that I was worth it, and I am not to dispute them. I am to simply say,
thank you.
(50:14 – 50:19)
That’s the hardest thing for me to ever do. Boy, you look nice today. Oh, it’s just so
much.
(50:20 – 50:27)
Thank you. Thank you. And not destroy the spirit of the person given the compliment or
the gift.
(50:28 – 50:50)
Isn’t that a wonderful lesson? A few weeks back, about two months ago, I was working
with this person, and she said to me, Ed, if God tells you to do something, and it’s real
clear to you to do that, would you do it? I said, absolutely. And she said, would you do it
halfway? And I said, no, I’d do it all the way. She said, really? And I said, yeah.
(50:51 – 51:01)
She said, OK, there’s $500 on your desk, and I’ll go home and get the other $500. God
told me this morning to give you $1,000 to help your church in it. And I said, thank you.
(51:02 – 51:21)
Tears in my eyes, overwhelmed, but I said thank you. Two weeks later, she came, and
she said, Ed, I need to tell you how much it meant to me that you simply said thank you.
Isn’t that amazing? Isn’t that amazing? And we think we know so much.
(51:23 – 51:28)
I went out to Los Angeles. I got a sponsor. Man, time flies when we’re having fun.
(51:29 – 51:36)
Got a sponsor, got Clancy as a sponsor. I’d never had a sponsor before. I had him in
name, but I didn’t want him to get personally involved with me.
(51:36 – 51:41)
And it was good. You go to a meeting, you say, you have a sponsor? Yeah, it’s Fred over
there. Thank you very much.
(51:41 – 51:53)
See you later. And I was two and a half years sober, stark raving sober, I might add, and
I got Clancy as a sponsor by accident. I didn’t know who he was, and I’m forever grateful
I didn’t hear some of the stuff that goes around about him.
(51:53 – 52:12)
I’m not a big fan of people who sit and bad rap other speakers and other people and just
say negative stuff, because you know why? You’re next. If you were at the table, you’re
next. And I’m so glad I didn’t hear some of the stuff about Clancy, because I would have
believed you, and I would have died.
(52:14 – 52:26)
Did you hear me? I would have died, because I would have believed you. Because I
believed Clancy was my connection to God and Alcoholics Anonymous. That if I hadn’t
run into him, I would have been dead.
(52:27 – 52:40)
And I was weak enough to not have any thoughts of my own, and if you would have been
gossiping, I would have believed you. That’s why I try my best not to put down any group
or individual in AA. I may not like what they do.
(52:40 – 52:50)
I may not like them. But how dare I play God and tell you what’s right or wrong? My
example should speak loud enough. If I got to tell you, then it’s ego.
(52:52 – 53:05)
And ego is edging God out any way you got it. But I got Clancy as a sponsor, and he told
me what to do. And I’m grateful he told me what to do.
(53:05 – 53:10)
He gave me direction, which is exactly what I needed. And I know a lot of people don’t
need that. I did.
(53:11 – 53:21)
So don’t make people feel who need it, that they’re somehow wrong because they need
it, because you didn’t. That’s just stupid. That’s just stupid.
(53:23 – 53:32)
But I do it. That’s what I do. I mean, when I set somebody down to sponsor, I tell them,
you know, I need you to do what I ask you to do, and there won’t be any arguing about
it.
(53:32 – 53:38)
If you need to argue, argue with somebody else. I don’t have time. And that’s not
because I do this or that.
(53:38 – 53:48)
I just can only share, as Jim said, my experience, strength, and hope. And that’s what it
is. And that AA is important.
(53:48 – 53:54)
It’s more than just a social club. It’s not the Kiwanis. Our life depends on attendance
here.
(53:55 – 54:11)
And it needs to have a top priority. I remember he made me start all over on the steps,
and I thought that was rather rude, because I’ve been lecturing on the steps at some
treatment centers. And he suggested to me, obviously, I got something wrong, or I
wouldn’t be living in his garage.
(54:13 – 54:19)
He had a point there. I got a job at Disneyland. I was goofy.
(54:22 – 54:32)
Little did I know how well I fit the role at that point. Two and a half years sober, no
sponsor. I got that, actually, the week before Clancy became my sponsor, and I didn’t
actually start the job.
(54:33 – 54:42)
I went to that Pacific group out there, and it was small, and it was only 400 members.
Clancy said, I want you to shake everybody’s hand. I said, I don’t like them people.
(54:42 – 54:46)
He said, they don’t like you either. Shake their hand. So he goes, hi, I’m Ed.
(54:46 – 54:51)
Hi, I’m Ed. Yeah, I’m Ed. And they loved me through it.
(54:52 – 55:03)
And I got counsel, and direction, and advice. I remember the time my sponsor came to
me and said, Ed, you know, that mouth of yours and your sarcasm is running away the
people that love you the most. You might want to look at that.
(55:05 – 55:21)
Because you see, I thought humor and put-downs were cute. Sarcasm, the word comes
from the Greek word, and it’s definition of tearing of the flesh. You know, and there’s a
lot of that sickness going on, and I’m excellent at it.
(55:22 – 55:30)
Every once in a while, I’ll catch me doing it. I just, God. And I’ll forgive me, and I’ll start
all over, because I don’t want to do that anymore.
(55:31 – 55:36)
It’s fine for other people if they want to do it. But don’t do it to me, or I’ll take you off of
your knees sooner or later. You know, I’ll play.
(55:37 – 55:41)
I’ll play. That’s evil stuff. And I’ll fight evil with evil if you need to.
(55:42 – 56:00)
But it’s so important to me not to be around that negative energy, because all that does
is separate people, and it’s divisive, and it’s based in ego. And that’s tough in the Pacific
group, because there’s a lot of that sarcasm out there. And like I said, I’ve become
wonderful at it.
(56:00 – 56:10)
I was excellent. One day, I asked God to show me the results of my humor, and there
was a little girl in Ohio Street meeting. Jim talked about it the other night.
(56:10 – 56:13)
Monday night, it was. And I don’t even remember her name. I remember her eyes.
(56:15 – 56:25)
And she said something to me. I don’t even know what it was, and I don’t know what my
comeback was, but I give her a little sarcastic, a little one-liner. And as I turned, I’d said
that prayer, God, show me the effects of my humor.
(56:25 – 56:31)
I saw the pain I’d put in her eyes. And I cried. I’ll tell you what.
(56:31 – 56:55)
When I was at my toughest, when I was fighting cops, when I was stark raving crazy, you
know what I wanted? Just to be a good guy and get along and not hurt anybody. Just kind
of make it. And here I am, sober, doing the exact opposite of anything I’ve been taught
in AA, except by people who weren’t following the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as I
understand them today.
(56:56 – 57:07)
I remember getting a job going over to Taipei, Taiwan. I spoke at a meeting in Pasadena,
California. And some guy come up to me.
(57:07 – 57:18)
I said the same prayer there I said today before I got up here. And that’s, God, save me
from my own nonsense and let me share the miracle you’ve performed in my life through
Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don’t want anything from any of these people.
(57:19 – 57:27)
And I went over there, and I talked in Pasadena, California, and a guy come up to me
afterwards and said, this makes no sense to me. We want to offer you a job. I said, it
makes perfect sense to me.
(57:27 – 57:36)
Go ahead. And that was on a Saturday. I went and met the director Monday.
(57:36 – 57:43)
And on Thursday, I was lifting out of LAX. I was going to Taipei, Taiwan. I was the new
soon-to-be vice president of America on Ice.
(57:43 – 57:53)
Had a cast of 62. I was going to Taipei to develop the stages and create the costumes
with designer Bill Campbell out of Las Vegas. We were going to fly back and forth to
Hong Kong.
(57:53 – 58:03)
And how was your week? Now I’ll tell you why I share that story. One simple reason.
Somewhere along the line, I dropped the bag of ones.
(58:04 – 58:13)
There would have been a time when I would have never showed up for that interview.
People like you don’t do things like this. You’ve only got a seventh grade education.
(58:14 – 58:21)
You have no qualifications for these jobs. You know who you are. Somewhere I forgot all
those.
(58:22 – 58:34)
And I showed up for the job, and I let them judge for themselves. And they said that I
was worthy. I got off the plane in Taiwan, and everybody’s just tall, and they’re looking
at me, and I’m looking at them.
(58:34 – 58:52)
And I know it’s just a matter of time before they tie me down. And I was over there, and
it was an amazing place because all of the customs, everything. I mean, I’d been from
Iowa to California.
(58:52 – 59:03)
Now I’m in Taiwan. I’ll tell you what was the first amazing thing about that. When I got off
the plane, there was a Mercedes limo waiting for me with a driver with my name badly
misspelled.
(59:04 – 59:15)
And I got into the limo, and they took me to the President Hotel, which I’m assuming is
still owned by Madam Shankai Sheck. It was just an elegant, beautiful place. And I had a
six-room suite in there.
(59:15 – 59:30)
And I walked out of that limo, and I walked into that suite, and I knew I belonged there.
Now people laugh at that, but you know why I know I belong there? Because God put me
there, or I wouldn’t be there. Period.
(59:32 – 59:47)
I used to laugh, too, when people say good things happen, and they needed to be there.
I don’t anymore because God does that for us. You know, we’re so willing to believe the
lower power can screw around with our day, you know? Yet we won’t think God can give
us wonderful gifts.
(59:49 – 59:52)
And I fit right in there. I loved it. It was natural.
(59:52 – 1:00:04)
I was negotiating contracts, and I was doing things. And God put me in that position for
one particular reason, to show me talents and gifts that I had that no way would I have
believed otherwise. No possible way could you have told me.
(1:00:06 – 1:00:16)
I was there a few months, and a guy walked by me and said, you’d be an excellent
manager for the Harlem Globetrotters. And I went, yeah, sure. Because I don’t share this
much, but I’ll share it today.
(1:00:16 – 1:00:34)
The Harlem Globetrotters, in my house, there was one time of the year when we were
together as a family, only one. And dad wasn’t drunk, and mom was happy, and all the
kids were laughing. And that was in January, in Wide World of Sports, the Harlem
Globetrotters would come on.
(1:00:39 – 1:00:50)
I was in LA three months, left Taiwan. Harlem Globetrotters called me up, and they said,
Mr. Mewton, we’ve heard a lot of wonderful things about you. Would you come and talk
to us? I said, I’d be honored to.
(1:00:51 – 1:01:05)
And I went up there, and after a short eight-hour interview, because I told them
everything, I don’t, my past don’t harm me anymore. I ran into a guy a while back, said,
God, I knew you 32 years ago. I heard a lot of bad things about you.
(1:01:05 – 1:01:11)
And I said, yeah, they’re probably all true, too. I’m sorry about that. I don’t need to hide
from it anymore.
(1:01:13 – 1:01:31)
Next thing you know, I was manager of the Harlem Globetrotters, and I was Madison
Square Garden. I was going to be traveling all over the world. And I remembered a little
kid on 6th and LeClaire with the wraparound jeans, and dirty clothes, and dirt rings
around his neck, and his hair sticking straight up, because I played good, man.
(1:01:32 – 1:01:44)
Thinking, one of these days, I’m going to travel all over the world, meet famous people.
And I told one of my buddies that, and they said I was stupid. And when I came to AA,
you guys dared me to dream again.
(1:01:45 – 1:02:00)
And that was the dream I claimed. And here I am, eight years later, manager of the
Harlem Globetrotters, traveling all over the world, meeting famous people. God gave us
those dreams, because that’s what he wants for us.
(1:02:01 – 1:02:07)
We just got to have the courage to follow him. I really believe that. I really believe that.
(1:02:07 – 1:02:13)
When people say, you know, I don’t know what to do with my life. I say, dig back to one
of those dreams you had. Every one of us has had one.
(1:02:13 – 1:02:22)
And uncover it, and still do it. I’m living proof you can do that. I got married while I was
overseas.
(1:02:22 – 1:02:29)
And I met the daughter of the Turkish ambassador. She was Muslim, wealthy, beautiful. I
figured, well, our backgrounds are a lot alike.
(1:02:33 – 1:02:39)
We did that death dance for 10 years. And I’m not saying that meanly. We just should
have never gotten married.
(1:02:40 – 1:02:45)
We just never should have gotten married. It was a mistake that we got married. We
have three children.
(1:02:45 – 1:02:54)
They’re not a mistake. But it was a mistake that we ever got married. And I get a little
tired of hearing people saying, you know, oh, it was just a mistake.
(1:02:54 – 1:02:57)
It was wrong. I knew better going in. I told my sponsor.
(1:02:57 – 1:02:59)
He told me to do it anyway. And I did it. But I was right.
(1:03:00 – 1:03:04)
It’s one of the few times. But I was right. I should have not gotten married.
(1:03:05 – 1:03:15)
And that marriage was hell on both of us. And you know, we sit in these rooms, and
we’re happy, especially when your spouse is in Al-Anon, and things are going well. I’ll tell
you the other side of it.
(1:03:15 – 1:03:26)
You got three kids who call you names and say you’re worthless because you’re trying to
be of love and service to people. And all they hear is one side. And it’s hateful, and it’s
full of anger, and it’s full of hate.
(1:03:27 – 1:03:44)
You got to live with that every single day. And if you’re blessed, every once in a while,
you get a little email from that daughter who talks to you for two or three lines and then
has to go. Living sober is living with unresolved problems.
(1:03:46 – 1:04:03)
It isn’t that everything’s always good all the time, but in spite of what’s going on, we can
keep our head up and do the best we can, even when we make mistakes. Clancy told me
years ago, you’ll never get drunk for doing things wrong, but you’ll get drunk when you
start defending them. Amen.
(1:04:04 – 1:04:10)
We’re all going to make mistakes. I got a call to the ministry. God, I got to wrap up.
(1:04:10 – 1:04:20)
I got a call to the ministry about nine years ago. I was on a Christian retreat, and it was a
spiritual awakening that changed my heart and my mind from that day to this. I am not
the same person.
(1:04:21 – 1:04:28)
And people who knew me 30 years ago will tell you that. And whether they did or not, it
doesn’t matter. I know it.
(1:04:29 – 1:04:40)
And I got called into the ministry, and it’s one of the most wonderful things I’ve ever
done. It’s being of maximum service to God and those people around me. And that’s
what I want to do.
(1:04:40 – 1:04:55)
And there was a time when I would honestly believe that that would not have been
possible. I went to church for a number of years sober, and I didn’t know about this
whole Jesus deal. I just knew I was supposed to be going to church, and I wasn’t about to
say anything till I knew it, because I try to be honest about my faith.
(1:04:57 – 1:05:06)
And I’ve been a minister for the last nine years. Please don’t let my faith scare you off. I
won’t let your lack of faith scare me off or your faith scare me off.
(1:05:06 – 1:05:20)
Whatever you believe in, I hope you believe it. I hope it’s yours, and I hope you get the
blessings I get and even more, because I’m here to celebrate faith, whatever that is. I
mean, where I believe is I put my cards there.
(1:05:20 – 1:05:50)
Wherever you believe, I’ll support you in any way I can and help you to find the best you
can find and what you need in your journey, because isn’t that alcoholic synonymous? To
welcome everybody and all. I’m so glad at this conference, they say, for those who care
to. I’m so sick of hearing, who’s father? Who’s large and in charge? You know, first off,
when we say who’s father, it’s a Christian prayer.
(1:05:51 – 1:06:01)
We exclude our Muslim and Jewish and Baha’i and so many other faiths. That’s not what
AA is about. AA is about inclusion, not exclusion.
(1:06:02 – 1:06:19)
So I’m really glad to hear here that you do, for those who care to, join us in the Lord’s
prayer. And I always say, for those who care to, pray to the God of your understanding
and join us in the Lord’s prayer. Why not? You see, the thing I love about Alcoholics
Anonymous is anybody’s welcome here.
(1:06:20 – 1:06:38)
I was preaching about three years ago on forgiveness, and I was in the middle of a
sermon, and I realized I’d never forgiven the guys who killed my father. And I stopped in
the middle of that sermon, and I said, I will not preach on forgiveness again until I seek
those guys out and forgive them. Two and a half weeks later, as God would have it, one
of the guys’ sentence was overturned.
(1:06:38 – 1:06:45)
I didn’t even know he was on appeal. How well did Alcoholics Anonymous work? I
couldn’t even remember their names. Now imagine that.
(1:06:45 – 1:07:00)
A guy based in anger and hate and resentment, I couldn’t remember the guys, talk about
a justified resentment. But I found out at about 20 years sober, anger don’t cut it for me
anymore. I gotta do what the book says.
(1:07:00 – 1:07:03)
I gotta give it up. I can’t process it. I can’t work through it.
(1:07:03 – 1:07:15)
I can’t justify it. I gotta give it up because it kills me. Well, one of these guys’ sentence
was overturned, and the press came to me and said, what do you think? And I said, it’s
time to heal.
(1:07:15 – 1:07:24)
It’s time to, you know, it’s time to forgive. It’s time to start fresh. And they said, well, he’s
been in prison since he’s 17 years old.
(1:07:24 – 1:07:31)
It’s 27 and a half years later. He said he doesn’t know how to work. How’s he gonna feed
himself? What’s he gonna do? And I said, he can come live with me if he wants.
(1:07:32 – 1:07:41)
And people were amazed by that. And I’m still not sure why. That story went around the
world.
(1:07:41 – 1:07:45)
Oprah called me. 48 Hours called me. 20-20 called me.
(1:07:45 – 1:08:00)
And what was I gonna say? Well, you see, there’s a step eight and nine in AA, and we
gotta, you know, you can’t do that because people don’t get that, see. If you’ve forgiven
somebody, it don’t count if they don’t know. That’s pretty self-serving.
(1:08:00 – 1:08:13)
If they don’t know, how can it count? Because eight and nine, in my opinion, is about
repairing the damage we did. It has nothing to do with us. It has to do with making their
life right after we went through it like a tornado.
(1:08:16 – 1:08:25)
And nobody understood that, but I understood it. God, you guys welcomed me in your
home. You let me babysit your kids.
(1:08:25 – 1:08:46)
You wanna know one of the nicest moments I’ve had this weekend? There was a little girl
about this high, downstairs last night, and I’d never seen her before, and I’d never met
her. And I’m in the hospitality room, and she’s got a little pacifier, and she’s just a doll.
She’s a little blonde hair, and she comes right up, and she grabs my legs, and she hugs
me.
(1:08:49 – 1:08:56)
I wouldn’t trade that for a million dollars. I wouldn’t. You’ve taught me what value is
here.
(1:08:58 – 1:09:26)
You’ve taught me what value is here. As God would have it, a few weeks later, I was able
to go see that guy, and I walked down that prison cell into a cell, and the last time I’d
seen this guy was 27 and a half years before, where I sat across from him in the
courtroom, and I thought, give me five minutes with him, and we don’t need a trial. And I
walked into that cell, and I stuck out my hand, and I said, Sherman, my name’s Reverend
Ed Mutem, and I’m here to tell you that I love you, and God loves you, and I forgive you.
(1:09:27 – 1:09:40)
And if there’s anything in my life I could ever do to make your life better, let me do that.
And I think he looked into this old timer’s eyes, and he saw that I was telling the truth.
He didn’t quite get it, but he knew that I was telling the truth.
(1:09:40 – 1:09:52)
There were no angles about it. And we talked for two and a half hours, and we prayed
together at the end, and everybody cried. Jailer, lawyers, everybody was there.
(1:09:53 – 1:10:06)
The healing had begun. And you see, the biggest resentment you got, that’s the biggest
healing and the biggest joy when you can get by it. And Sherman and I, I didn’t think
this, but we had become, we became friends.
(1:10:06 – 1:10:22)
I would have never dreamed that in a million years. That wasn’t what I was after. I was
after forgiving him, and they were gonna retry him, and I went down, and I talked to the
Scott County attorney, see, in the state of Iowa, if you’re with somebody in the
commitment of a felony, you’re guilty, just because you were along, period.
(1:10:23 – 1:10:35)
And by his own testimony, he was there, so they could convict him, that’s no problem.
And I went down, and I talked to Bill Davis, who’s a gracious man who loves and respects
me. And I’m not sure why, except I don’t argue with it.
(1:10:35 – 1:10:48)
He tells me that he loves me, and I’m one of the most honest people he’s ever met. And I
don’t argue with that. And I went down, and I talked to him, and I asked him to give my
friend some mercy and some grace, and let him, let him come home.
(1:10:49 – 1:11:01)
Let him plead to a lesser charge, and he listened. And it took two years, and he came
home, and he goofed up, and he went back. And last March, he called me up, and he
said, I’m being discharged here, I don’t know where to go.
(1:11:02 – 1:11:21)
And I said, you’re gonna come live with me, just like we talked about. And I was able to
go and pick him up, and God gave me the opportunity to buy him his clothes and find
out what size they are, because he only wore prison issue. I was able to teach him that
the noise screaming up behind him is not gonna hurt him, that he doesn’t have to be
afraid anymore.
(1:11:22 – 1:11:34)
And I tried to be the best example of Alcoholics Anonymous and a man of God that I
could be, with no expectations in return. And last March, I picked him up, and he seems
to be doing well. He’s been at a lot of our meetings.
(1:11:35 – 1:11:58)
I know he’s come to visit Fox Hall with me, and he used to go to our meetings, and now
he fell in love. Well, I suppose after 30 years of maximum security, it’s gonna be easy to
fall in love. And he’s a good guy, he’s a good guy, but I would ask you to keep Sherman
in your prayers, because you think we got some adjustments to do.
(1:12:00 – 1:12:24)
Try 30 years of maximum security prison, before computers, before ATMs, before cell
phones, before cables, before satellite TV, before these fast cars, before any of it, and
just get dropped into this world. It’s terrifying. And the chances are that he’s not gonna
make it.
(1:12:25 – 1:12:33)
But you see, I happen to know that there’s miracles. And I know there’s some speakers
say, oh, we’re not miracles. Well, maybe he isn’t, maybe they aren’t.
(1:12:33 – 1:12:42)
But I believe I am, and I believe the people I’m looking at are. You know, we’ve been
blessed. I like what Clancy said last night, it was powerful.
(1:12:43 – 1:12:56)
Little, little statement, but so powerful. He said, you know, the steps of alcoholics and
non-alcoholics get us prepared so the grace of God can come in. How powerful is that?
And that’s exactly right.
(1:12:57 – 1:13:10)
That’s exactly right. About a year ago, I was with the United Methodist Church, and they
asked me to stop speaking in AA. I had an agreement that one Sunday a month, I could
go out and speak at conventions.
(1:13:11 – 1:13:19)
And a new bishop come in and said, no, we don’t want that anymore. So I had to make
one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made. I was pastor at a 1200-member church in
Bettendorf, Iowa.
(1:13:20 – 1:13:30)
And I loved them. Because you know, when you start looking for the 299s, they’re
everywhere, they’re not just in AA. This world is full of a lot more good people than there
are bad, trust me.
(1:13:31 – 1:13:41)
And that church was a real blessing, and I loved being there. It was one of the hardest
things I ever did to say goodbye to those folks. But if I hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t be
here.
(1:13:42 – 1:13:55)
And I know I’m supposed to be here. If I don’t know anything else, I know I’m supposed
to be here in Alcoholics Anonymous. A while back, I was watching the actor’s studio, and
Danny Glover was on there.
(1:13:55 – 1:14:28)
And at the end of that interview, they always ask the question, if there is a God, you go
to heaven, what do you hope he would say to you? And they asked Danny Glover that
question. If there is a God, when you die, if there is a God and you go to heaven, what
would you hope God would say to you? And he thought for a minute, and he was very
thoughtful, and then he looked up and he said, thank you. Most powerful thing I’ve heard
in years, two words, that if I live my life, so God said thank you.
(1:14:29 – 1:14:39)
You’ve given me a chance to do that here. I got a long way to go. But with your grace
and hanging in together, there’ll be a lot of thank yous when we get there.
(1:14:39 – 1:14:41)
Thanks for listening. Thank you.
Carry The Message
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