Frank M. from Orland Park, IL at It’s in the Book Group – Helena, MT – 6/22/1996

(0:04 – 1:00)
Thank you, my name is Frank and I’m an alcoholic. This afternoon I thought this was a
microphone. I really did.
Afterwards they told me that people in the back couldn’t hear too well. It will teach you
to sit in the back. I come from Texas, what do you know, right? Where’s Terry? Where’s
that lady Terry? Oh, you make good cake.
That was good cake. My sobriety date is November 3rd, 1971 and I’m a member of the
Lamont Oaks group of Alcoholics Anonymous. We’re located about 35 miles southwest of
Chicago and we have an intimate little group of about 500 to 600 people who regularly
meet on Monday night.
(1:03 – 1:46)
I’m really proud to be a member of that group. Now everybody thinks their home group
is the best group in the world and that’s the way it should be. I just know that mine is.
What I love about my home group is that we have a lot of sobriety. We have 180 people
in our home group that have more than 15 years of sobriety. You don’t find that
anywhere.
You just don’t find it anywhere. You don’t find that kind of gathering in one place in a
regular time. We have over 100 people who have more than 10 years of sobriety who
came to us during their first week of sobriety.
(1:46 – 2:06)
Now that’s a mind boggler. Now that one is the impressive one. I don’t know, is there
anybody here that’s got less than 60 days of continued sobriety? Good.
Okay, what is your name young man? I’m Terry. Hi Terry. I’m Michael.
(2:07 – 2:19)
Hi Mike. Okay, I don’t want to set you guys apart but I’m going to talk to you, Terry and
Mike. Because I’m going to tell you a little bit about what I know about Alcoholics
Anonymous.
(2:19 – 2:50)
And the other people won’t matter because they know more than I know about
Alcoholics Anonymous probably. But you’re going to be, I want to relate to you because
when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous someone related to me. And that must have
been hard for them to do because I was arrogant and argumentative and pathetic.
(2:52 – 3:08)
There’s a patheticness about ignorant arrogance. But I had run my own life right into
Alcoholics Anonymous. And that’s not where I intended to go.
(3:09 – 3:24)
Doing my thing my way got me to Alcoholics Anonymous and I never intended to get
here. And Mike, I don’t suppose you ever intended to get here. I don’t believe that you
signed your high school yearbook.
(3:25 – 3:36)
What do you want to do with the rest of your life? Well, I got to join AA. Most of us have
dreams. And those dreams do not include going to meetings.
(3:40 – 3:52)
Those dreams have something to do with excitement and adventure and love and
security. Control and power. They don’t have to do with weakness or surrender.
(3:54 – 4:02)
Fault or fault finding. They have to do with living life. And that’s all I ever wanted to do.
(4:02 – 4:11)
But I never wanted to end up in Alcoholics Anonymous. I never wanted to be an
alcoholic. So if you don’t want to be an alcoholic, that’s okay.
(4:13 – 4:29)
And I’m just going to tell you some truthful statistics today. I’m sure that when you get
here to Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s your perception that it was hard to get here. But you
suffered.
(4:29 – 4:36)
Had a lot of problems. A lot of things were tough. And you came to Alcoholics
Anonymous.
(4:36 – 4:46)
And there’s a perception that it’s tough to get here. It, in many cases, is tough to get
here. The truth is that it’s tougher to stay here.
(4:48 – 5:02)
It’s far more difficult to stay in Alcoholics Anonymous than to come here. And most
people that come here do not stay here. And I’ve been here for almost 25 years.
(5:02 – 5:21)
And I’ve watched in 25 years the dramatic change in the people who were here. On
November 3, 1971, no one in Alcoholics Anonymous in the world had less time than I did.
I didn’t have a whole day.
(5:22 – 5:43)
I went to bed drunk and woke up half drunk and called Alcoholics Anonymous a quarter
drunk, if there’s such a thing. I wasn’t even totally sober. And when I went to my first
meeting that night, I was just barely sober.
(5:44 – 5:53)
So in all of Alcoholics Anonymous, everyone had more time than me. Some had a week.
Some were sober two weeks.
(5:54 – 6:02)
Some were sober a month. Some were sober five years and ten years, fifteen years. But
everybody had more time than me.
(6:04 – 6:24)
I was on the bottom. Every five years, World Services does a survey. You’re familiar with
that? And the last survey, the results of which indicate that I am in the top 2% of all the
people in Alcoholics Anonymous.
(6:25 – 6:40)
98% of all the people in AA have less time than me. I’ve gone from here to here. And
you’d say to yourself, boy, that’s really great, isn’t it? That’s a scary thing.
(6:41 – 7:03)
You know why? Mike, if the people who were here when I got here had stayed, I couldn’t
have moved up. When I came to my first meeting, they gave me a book called Alcoholics
Anonymous. And inside it, it said there are a million people in this fellowship sober as a
result of the things in this book.
(7:03 – 7:22)
That means there were a million people ahead of me. I could not have moved up had
they stayed. Even if half of them had stayed, I’d be in the 50% pile, wouldn’t I? It’s hard
to stay here.
(7:24 – 7:31)
And it has nothing to do with the fact that AA doesn’t work. AA works. It worked in 1935.
(7:32 – 7:48)
They wrote a book in 1939, and they said, It is our collective experience and observation
that rarely does anybody fail who has thoroughly followed our path. The truth is that
most people just don’t follow the path. We will do anything other than what’s in this
book.
(7:50 – 8:09)
This is the stuff we won’t do. And the damnedest thing about this thing called alcoholism,
that my understanding is and my observation is, is that this is the only disease known to
mankind, that the victim or sufferer from the disease has no enthusiasm whatsoever for
recovery. None.
(8:12 – 8:17)
Now, on your mic, you’re going to say, you know, that’s crazy. That doesn’t even sound
right. That sounds like heresy.
(8:19 – 8:35)
Well, let me tell you something. If you had AIDS and I had the cure for AIDS, and you
knew that I was going to speak tonight, and the subject was being a cure for AIDS, you’d
both be in the front row. And if I said, Now, here’s what you have to do.
(8:35 – 8:44)
You have to do these twelve things. You’d say, When can I get started? You’d want them
now. No matter what I said, you would do.
(8:45 – 9:03)
If you had cancer and I had the cure for cancer, there’s nothing you wouldn’t do. If I said,
This is a cure, you’d say, Tell me what it is and when I can start doing it. If you were blind
and I could resort, turn to your side, and we can go on and on and on, but not in
alcoholism.
(9:04 – 9:24)
In alcoholism, the guy or gal who has it, when told, Here’s the simple way that you can
take care of this. If you will just do these twelve things, you will recover from alcoholism.
And the person who has alcoholism says, I’m not ready.
(9:26 – 9:37)
I’m not ready to do that. I’m not ready to write an inventory to get a sponsor to make
amends. I’ve got to think about it.
(9:38 – 9:46)
I’ve got to think about it. Where’s the enthusiasm for getting well? I’ve got to think about
it. Get a sponsor.
(9:47 – 9:52)
Oh, I don’t know. I’ll think about it. And then I get a sponsor.
(9:53 – 10:11)
Well, Frank, do you use your sponsor? Well, you know, not really, but I have one. Why did
you get a sponsor, Frank? Well, because people kept telling me to get a sponsor. So I
figured if I got one, they’d stop telling me to get one.
(10:12 – 10:42)
No enthusiasm. See, I’ve been around long enough to ask the question, why do people
like me have no enthusiasm for recovery? And the only answer I’ve been able to come
up with after watching almost everybody that I’ve ever seen come into Alcoholics
Anonymous leave, because everybody that I know that came in in 1971 with me is gone.
And when I was one year sober, hundreds and hundreds and thousands, thousands came
in.
(10:42 – 10:55)
See, we have millions of people to draw from in the Chicagoland area. So when I say
thousands, it’s no big deal. I hardly know anybody that has a 72 sobriety day.
(10:57 – 11:06)
The rooms were full. When I went to meetings in 1971, the rooms were full. They’d have
big banquet rooms, and they’d fill them.
(11:07 – 11:32)
And in 1973, and in 1979, and in 1983, the rooms were filled every year. It’s just with
different people. I say to myself, well, why could that be that people like me have no
enthusiasm? And I’ve only been able to come up with these two answers.
(11:34 – 12:24)
Either we don’t believe that it really works, or we really don’t believe that we are what’s
described in the book as real alcoholics. Because if I am a real alcoholic, and I believe
what’s in that book, why would I not want to recover? And why would I not do 12 simple
little things to effectuate that recovery? Why would I want to argue about it, think about
it, debate about it, wait on it? Why would I want to do that? If I’m dying, if the quality of
my life is diminished by my illness, why would I not want to do something about it? And
that’s what makes this disease different than everyone else. Because while I’m dying of
it, I am saying to myself, I don’t have it.
(12:25 – 12:34)
Or I don’t have it like you have it. Or my case is different. And I don’t need to do what
you need to do.
(12:34 – 12:44)
It’s the only way I can figure it. Otherwise, we ought to be charging at this stuff. We
ought to be taking these steps and looking at this problem and taking it on.
(12:45 – 13:01)
Take this disease on. Aren’t you tired of being a victim? I’m tired of being a victim. Want
to be a statistic? Why don’t we just take it on? Instead of being victimized by it, why
don’t we attack it? I don’t know.
(13:02 – 13:10)
We attack everything else. Not this thing called recovery though. And it’s a mindboggler.
(13:11 – 13:21)
It has literally, it has really confused everybody who’s ever looked at alcoholics. That’s
why most people don’t understand alcoholics. And rightfully so.
(13:23 – 13:42)
From our drinking careers to our non-drinking careers, we’re just equally misunderstood.
And rightfully so, because the message we send out is one of confusion. And I’ll tell you a
little bit about my confusion when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous.
(13:44 – 13:55)
I was 34 years of age, and I should have been here long before that. But that’s when I
got here. By the time I got here, I knew I was an alcoholic, but I didn’t care.
(13:55 – 14:18)
I knew I was an alcoholic when I was in my 20s. But I wasn’t sure I was a real alcoholic. I
didn’t really understand much about my life until I was forced, forced, forced by a
sponsor who intimidated me into writing a four-step.
(14:18 – 14:21)
Forced. I had to be forced. Now that’s crazy.
(14:22 – 14:39)
I want to live. I came here to make my life work, to find an answer for why I am so
unhappy that I have to drink to stand sobriety. And then I have to be forced to take the
medicine because I’m a real alcoholic.
(14:40 – 14:48)
And real alcoholics resist getting well. Of my type. I don’t know anything about your type
or the other people here.
(14:49 – 15:09)
But my type of alcoholic talks about recovery but won’t invest anything into his recovery.
Something’s wrong with my kind of alcoholic. But when I was forced to write a four-step
back in the early 70s, I reflected on my whole life.
(15:10 – 15:28)
And I remember thinking things that I had never really put in any order. I remember
thinking about the fact that from my earliest recollections of me, I’ve been trying to
prove that I am somebody. And I don’t know why that was.
(15:28 – 15:41)
I remember as a young kid, my father, who was, as I said in the afternoon, a factory
worker, hard-working guy. He had three jobs and never made any real money. And all he
did was believe the American dream.
(15:42 – 16:00)
The American dream is you come to this country, you learn the language, you get jobs,
and you send your children to school so that they can get it all. You see, the immigrants
never had any idea that they would get it all. They just came here so their children could
get it all.
(16:01 – 16:13)
That’s really true. Because I remember as a kid, our family, grandfathers and parents
and uncles, they never talked about getting anything. They always talked about us
getting it.
(16:14 – 16:25)
They were willing to sacrifice the first generation for the future generations. So that no
matter how… My dad never went to high school. My mother never went to high school.
(16:26 – 16:38)
But they saw that I would go to any university I wanted and so would my brother. And
they didn’t care if I went to get 20 master’s degrees or PhDs. They would work to make
that possible.
(16:39 – 16:45)
Our job was to do the education. Their job was to pay for it. It’s just an ethnic kind of
thing.
(16:45 – 16:56)
It’s not the right or wrong way. But I remember early on my dad explaining to me that he
wanted me to be somebody. And when I wrote that fourth step, that kept coming back to
me.
(16:56 – 17:04)
It kept coming back to me that I heard that one like a thousand times when I’m a kid.
Five, six, seven years old. Be somebody.
(17:04 – 17:11)
I want you to be somebody. I don’t know why that showed up in my fourth step. It was
like the first time I remember me.
(17:12 – 17:21)
See, I don’t remember a third birthday party. I don’t remember what I got when I was
two years old at Christmas or four years old when I was at Christmas or five years old at
Christmas. What did I get? I have no idea.
(17:21 – 17:31)
I have no recollection of me. But I have a recollection at some time, about six years old,
realizing that I was to be somebody. And you know, I came to a conclusion.
(17:32 – 17:48)
And the conclusion that I came to in that was not that he loved me, that he was wanting
to do stuff for me. It was that I am nobody. Do you think when he said, I want you to be
somebody, that he meant that I was nobody? No.
(17:49 – 17:58)
No, he was dreaming for me. He had his best dreams for me. What I heard was that you
are nobody and that your job is to be somebody.
(17:59 – 18:05)
Now that is alcoholic thinking. And I never had a drink. I’m six years old.
(18:07 – 18:20)
My earliest recollection of me is inferiority. Being less than. Striving, somehow, by some
miracle, to be equal.
(18:21 – 18:34)
And to be equal when you’re less than requires superiority. Funny dilemma. I’m right in
that fourth step and I’m coming to grips with another subject.
(18:34 – 18:52)
And that is that I remember that I learned about God when I was six or seven or eight. I
don’t know exactly when, but in my fourth step, it comes out to me that there’s a God
consciousness. I started to think about that.
(18:53 – 19:07)
I don’t know when you learned about God, but I learned about God from a lady who was
dressed in black and white. She came into a classroom that was full of boys and girls and
she said, I’m going to teach you about sin and I’m going to teach you about God. And it
was like God and sin go together.
(19:08 – 19:20)
At least my perception was that God and sin went together. And she said there were two
kinds of sin. I don’t know what kind of teaching you had, but she said there’s these
things called venial sins.
(19:21 – 19:36)
And I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. It’s like telling a lie, taking something
that doesn’t belong to you, not being good to your parents, and on and on and on. And
she says, if you do those things and die, you have offended God.
(19:37 – 19:42)
It shows up in my fourth step. I’m 36 years old now. And it’s showing up.
(19:43 – 19:52)
The realization that from my earliest recollection I offended God. Because I did all those
things. Think of that.
(19:52 – 20:07)
My earliest recollection of me is that if I were to think about a God, I was offensive to
that God. Because I did all those things. You know later she came into the classroom and
said that there was things called mortal sins.
(20:07 – 20:13)
This woman, I don’t know, this is a different religion maybe. This is not about religion. It’s
about my recollection.
(20:14 – 20:26)
And she said, that’s about other people’s wives. I’m thinking that sounds good. I’m not
even married.
(20:28 – 20:40)
I’m only 10. But I know I’m going to do that one at least once. Later I found out once is
not enough.
(20:43 – 20:54)
She said if you do those things and die, you’re doomed. You are doomed. You have
offended God and you must be punished.
(20:55 – 21:02)
That’s what I heard. You know something, I don’t know if she ever said those things. I
have no idea if those things were ever said.
(21:03 – 21:22)
I have that recollection of hearing that and I wrote that down as the earliest recollection
of me and a God. And I don’t blame that lady or that religion because I have no idea that
they ever said that. But I remember that by the time she was talking about offending
God that I knew I was involved in secret conduct.
(21:24 – 21:51)
I remember one time that lady came in the classroom and she was dressed in black and
white and she asked all the girls to leave the room. And when the girls left the room, she
looked at the boys and she said, boys, God sees in the dark. I thought, oh shoot.
(21:58 – 22:09)
You see, what showed up on that fourth step is an earliest recollection of me. I was
fascinated with sex and everything about sex was wrong. I presumed and I knew.
(22:11 – 22:26)
And my fascination with sex was limitless. Remember I told you that my dad wanted me
to be somebody and by the time I’m eight years old my dad tells me that he wanted me
to be a lawyer. I didn’t even know what a lawyer was.
(22:26 – 22:38)
Nobody knows what a lawyer is at eight years age. When you’re eight, what do you want
to be? You want to be a race car driver, a policeman or a fireman or a quarterback. You
know, you want to be a movie star.
(22:38 – 22:44)
You want to be something. He wants to be a lawyer. You don’t know what a lawyer is.
(22:44 – 22:54)
But he knew a lawyer and he wanted me to be one. And he wanted my brother to be a
dentist. And he told my brother, your job is to be a dentist.
(22:55 – 23:03)
And both my brother and I ended up in AA. I don’t think it had anything to do with my
dad or what he said. But I never wanted to be a lawyer.
(23:05 – 23:16)
When I was eight years of age I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I found
out one afternoon that the girl next door and I built a tent out of some old blankets. That
day I knew what my destiny was.
(23:16 – 23:31)
I wanted to be a gynecologist. I ended up a lawyer. I never got what I wanted.
(23:35 – 23:49)
So when that lady said, God sees in the dark, I knew exactly what she was talking about.
And I thought to myself, yeah, but he can’t see under the blankets. So I made a tent to
hide me from God.
(23:50 – 23:56)
And you don’t go out in a playground and tell the kids you made a tent. You have a
secret. You have a secret.
(23:57 – 24:11)
And that secret is the beginning of the collection of other secrets. And for other
alcoholics of my type it doesn’t have to be that particular secret. It’s that we start
building secrets, alcoholics of my type.
(24:12 – 24:22)
The secrets have to do with other people and our own behavior sometimes. What we do
to others or what others do to us. But it becomes our secrets.
(24:22 – 24:36)
And most of our secrets are dirty, alcoholics of my type. So by the time I’m not even in
high school I know that I’m dirty and different. I know that my actions and my
compulsions and my habits are offensive to God.
(24:37 – 24:46)
So I don’t want to hear about God. Why would you want to hear about somebody that
you offend and is going to punish you? So I turned God off from that point on. I mean,
what the hell? I want to survive.
(24:46 – 24:54)
I want to be. I’ve got to get out of here. So I strove for the rest of those next 10 or 15
years to be somebody.
(24:54 – 25:01)
And I got to be somebody. By all the standards of life everybody would look at me and
say, this guy did it okay. He’s got it all together.
(25:02 – 25:16)
And I said, some of those things this afternoon I’m not going to dwell on them. And some
people think that the only people that come into Alcoholics Anonymous are skid row
bums. Very few of the people that come in are skid row bums.
(25:16 – 25:27)
One-tenth of one percent. Most of the people that come into Alcoholics Anonymous are
just people like you and I. Some of them are more successful than others. Some are
more educated than others.
(25:27 – 25:33)
Some of them are luckier than others. Some of them are older and some are younger.
There’s no criteria.
(25:35 – 25:49)
And that’s not a measurement. What they have… Nobody asks you when you come into
Alcoholics Anonymous, what’s your bank balance? What kind of car do you drive? Where
do you live? They ask you that at the country club, though. But they don’t ask you that
exactly.
(25:50 – 26:17)
They say, where did you vacation this winter? You see? Because the south of France
costs more money than Gary, Indiana. Laughter And they see you drive up because we
only have… We only have… valet parking at the country club. So everybody from the
valet to the groundskeeper knows what you drive.
(26:19 – 26:26)
It’s part of who you are. It’s what you acquire. That makes a statement to the world.
(26:27 – 26:40)
By the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had made all those statements to the world.
The only problem is I didn’t feel like any of those things. You see? We talked about
feeling like a man.
(26:40 – 26:49)
And once you feel like a man, you never have to prove you’re a man. But as long as you
don’t feel like a man, you’re destined to prove you’re a man for the rest of your life. It’s
the same thing with being somebody.
(26:53 – 27:02)
I remember my dad… Last year he worked me $10,000. $10,000. I made that the first
week.
(27:04 – 27:12)
I made more than my dad made in his life in the first year. It didn’t mean anything. It has
nothing to do with who I am.
(27:14 – 27:20)
It didn’t get me happy. It didn’t give me power. It didn’t give me anything because by the
time I’m doing all these things, I’m also an alcoholic.
(27:21 – 27:25)
I’m a secret alcoholic and I’m doing things. And I’m hiding. I’m covering up.
(27:25 – 27:43)
And one of the great things that success does is it gives you license and it gives other
people around you the need to placate you because they want your approval. Because
you’re called their employer. When you employ people, they can’t fire you.
(27:45 – 27:55)
That’s the nice thing about being a boss. So if you ever get a chance to start on top, it’s
always better up there. But getting there is the tough part.
(27:57 – 28:05)
By the time I get out of school, I realize that I don’t want to be a lawyer and a lawyer was
a secondary thing. What I want to do is be a businessman. So I got involved in a lot of
things.
(28:07 – 28:18)
And I don’t know about your kind of alcoholic, but I’m an overachiever. See, if you can’t
tell me I can’t do it, I’m going to do it. And if I set my mind to it, I’ll work 20 hours a day
and I’ll get there.
(28:18 – 28:25)
While you’re sleeping, I’m working and I’ll get it. But I’ve got to want it. And there’s
nothing more that I ever wanted than personal identity.
(28:27 – 28:44)
I never sought those things. I always sought the identity that those things would bring
me. You see, if you’re like me and you don’t have any sense of self-worth, you must get
the approval of others in some vain hope that if enough people approve of you, you will
somehow approve of yourself.
(28:46 – 29:00)
So people like me have to always go out and try to be approved of, to be liked. We can’t
take risks in relationships. We couldn’t do this, for example.
(29:02 – 29:25)
Prior to Alcoholics Anonymous, I could not get up in front of a group of strangers and talk
about my life like I’m doing this because my fear would be, what if you don’t like me?
What if you thought I was a goof? The freedom of Alcoholics Anonymous is I don’t care.
You see, once you get your own approval, you no longer need the approval of others. It’s
not an arrogance.
(29:26 – 29:36)
It’s just you don’t need their approval. It’s nice that some people like you and it’s too bad
that some people don’t. But there’s freedom in that.
(29:37 – 29:45)
That’s why an alcoholic could never be President of the United States. I don’t care how I
recovered. You know why? Unless you really… Well, I take that back.
(29:45 – 30:01)
I said unless, without… No matter how I recovered. Let me say an untreated alcoholic
could never be President of the United States. You know why? Even the most popular
President had 47% of all the people in the United States vote against him.
(30:01 – 30:21)
Can you imagine laying in the White House thinking how you could get those 47% of
people to like you and what they think of you and why they don’t? I mean, it’s crazy. You
see, I live in an all white or black world, a right or wrong world as an alcoholic. I’ve got to
have everybody’s approval.
(30:21 – 30:42)
Everything has to go right or it’s a bad thing. I’ll give you an example of a typical day of
my kind of alcoholic. I don’t know, Mike, if this is typical of you, but when I come into
Alcoholics Anonymous, if you told me I had 10 things to do in a day and I did 7 of them
perfect, I was a hero.
(30:43 – 30:57)
I mean, you said do those 7 things and 100%. And one of the things that you told me to
do, you did kind of half. And two of the remaining things I fail at.
(30:58 – 31:10)
At the end of the day, I’ve had a shitty day. And all I think and all I’m obsessed with,
there’s those two and a half things. And I’m wondering what you think about me and who
knows and why I can’t be perfect.
(31:12 – 31:22)
I’ve had a bad day. See, people who aren’t like me, if you said, how’d you do today?
They’d think to themselves, well, I had a 7 and a half day. That’s very good.
(31:22 – 31:31)
I had a wonderful day. Thank you. How was your day? Would there be a response? But
by my earliest recollection of me, I thought differently than the people around me.
(31:32 – 31:48)
I had no idea they had something to do with alcoholism because they never had a drink.
I never had a drink. I learned more about me, this and other people, than I ever did
thinking about me or even writing.
(31:49 – 31:59)
About me. We have this beginner’s meeting that precedes our regular meeting and
somebody asked about it today. We started it in 1982.
(32:00 – 32:09)
And all we do is meet prior to our regular meeting and we put 200 chairs in a room. And
those chairs get filled and then we lock the door. It’s not an A meeting.
(32:10 – 32:25)
It’s a meeting for people who are new to alcoholics and alcoholics. It’s a voluntary
gathering and all they come to do is hear the truth. And we have an open door in the
back so anybody can leave at any time but the entry door is closed because that’s all the
room will allow and the fire department will not.
(32:25 – 32:35)
We have our meeting in a public school. And at 7.30 exactly the meeting starts and the
door is locked and the sign is put on the door. Meeting in progress, voluntary.
(32:35 – 32:50)
And a guard stands at that door. And the room is full. And since 1982, over 10,000
people have come and sat in that room and you come there when you’re a week, a day,
a month sober and then after your year is over you can’t sit there anymore.
(32:51 – 32:57)
You lose your place. But while you’re there, the chair is yours. That’s your part of AA and
all we do is tell you the truth.
(32:57 – 33:15)
We tell you what to expect from alcoholics and others but it’s not an AA meeting. And in
1994, 1984, 89 or 76 or I mean 1989, 84, 85, 86 I have no idea. I walked in there one
day and I asked the people there to tell me what an alcoholic was.
(33:16 – 33:23)
I have no idea the day that was. I don’t know the day we started the Beginners’ Meeting.
See, these aren’t done because they’re recorded and it’s some big deal.
(33:23 – 33:41)
It’s just that it just happened. And I asked the people in that room to tell me what an
alcoholic was and the reason I told them, I asked them I mean, we might want to talk
about it is because we never talk about that in Alcoholics on the Moon. What is an
alcoholic? And I’ve asked if there’s a definition of alcoholic.
(33:43 – 34:27)
I mean, don’t you think we ought to at least know if we’re talking about the same thing
when we talk about things? Don’t you think we ought to start with some idea of what
we’re talking about? Wouldn’t it be pathetic if when I said alcoholic you think of
something else and you address that so you’re talking Spanish and I’m talking Russian
and all the time we’re nodding our heads at each other? Wouldn’t it be a pathetic thing?
And another neat thing about knowing what an alcoholic was if I knew what an alcoholic
was I can apply the definition to me and if it doesn’t fit I can get out of here. Now that is
tempting to a newcomer because people don’t come to AA to stay in AA they come here
to leave. We’re kidding ourselves when we think they come to compare and relate to
stay.
(34:28 – 34:39)
They come to hear to stay and leave and say, I didn’t do that. I’m not like that. Because
the part of them is I don’t want to be an alcoholic.
(34:41 – 34:57)
So we spend, some people in alcoholics and I’m going to spend an endless amount of
time trying to tell you drunk stories so you could relate. As if you’re going to learn
something. Before I tell you what happened in the beginners meeting I want to touch on
that for a minute.
(34:59 – 35:09)
Learn something. Mike, I’m going to ask you a question. I’m not putting you down.
(35:09 – 35:14)
I’m not putting you up. I’m just going to ask you a question. Answer as honestly as you
can.
(35:14 – 35:19)
There’s no right or wrong answer. Because that’s what we do in the beginners meeting.
We talk.
(35:20 – 36:03)
There’s a dialogue. If I had a magic pill that could make you a social drinker and I gave
you the pill and I guarantee you that if you take the pill you will drink socially for the rest
of your life and never ever have to go to alcoholics and outlaws. Do you think you’d take
the pill? Sure? Okay.
(36:04 – 36:08)
There’s no right or wrong answer. One says yes, one says no. Let’s address the yes.
(36:10 – 36:15)
And then maybe we’ll have your answer. I don’t know. Let’s look at what a social drinker
is.
(36:18 – 36:34)
Now, I’m going to have to describe one because if you’re an alcoholic of my type you
don’t generally… you don’t have much to do with them. See, alcoholics of my type
decide well, tonight I’m going out. I don’t say to myself let’s see, I’ve got to open my
book.
(36:35 – 36:40)
Which ones of my friends are social drinkers? I’ll invite them out. No, no, no. That’s not
what I want to go out with.
(36:40 – 36:51)
So I don’t hang around with social drinkers. But let me describe a social drinker to you.
Social drinkers meet on the street and they say let’s stop and have a drink.
(36:53 – 36:59)
That’s that kind of thing. And they go into the bar at the cocktail lounge and they have a
drink. And then they go home.
(37:02 – 37:18)
How’d you like to live like that? Did you ever see social drinkers at a bar? The bartender
puts the drink in front of them. Drink here. Then a drink here.
(37:18 – 37:29)
Then a drink here. Now we’ve got three social drinkers. What do you think they do?
What’s the first thing they do, do you think? I know what they do.
(37:29 – 37:38)
They talk. They talk. They say thank you to the bartender and then they turn their
shoulder to the drink.
(37:38 – 38:04)
Did you ever turn your shoulder to a drink? How’d you like to live like that one day at a
time? Social drinkers, when asked to have a second or third, you know what they say?
No thank you. That’s not the end of it. They say no thank you.
(38:04 – 38:18)
I’m starting to feel it. And when they start to feel it, they say no thank you. I’ve had
enough.
(38:18 – 38:30)
Did you ever think to yourself why that would be? See, I’m a student. I study these
things. Do you know why that is? It’s very simple.
(38:30 – 38:38)
Every human being that takes alcohol in the system, alcohol has an effect. Every human
being. Even Al-Anons.
(38:38 – 38:54)
Everybody. Everybody. You put alcohol in the system of a human being in enough
quantity and for one it may be one and one it may be two and one it may be three but
sooner or later every human being will feel effect of alcohol.
(38:55 – 39:09)
And the effect of alcohol that they most readily feel is that a change occurs. They start to
feel different. It may be dizzy, it may be tired, it may be giddy but they start to feel
different.
(39:10 – 39:24)
And the world around them starts to look different. Or something happens. When the
non-alcoholic starts to feel the change occur they do not like that change.
(39:25 – 39:32)
They don’t want to feel different. You know why? I got bad news for you. They like how
they feel naturally.
(39:36 – 39:52)
And the world around them doesn’t threaten them at all. They’re in harmony with their
environment and when that starts to change that man or that woman say no, no, thank
you, I’ve had enough. I’m starting to feel it and they’re not getting cute.
(39:52 – 39:59)
They’re telling us the truth. I’m an alcoholic. I drink to make the change occur.
(40:00 – 40:14)
And when the change starts to occur I don’t say stop, I say more. You know why, kid? It’s
because I don’t like how I feel. I don’t like who I am and I don’t like where I am.
(40:14 – 40:30)
And what happens is I can induce a feeling that changes me from who I am and changes
you, the people I’m with. And I love that feeling. If I can keep that feeling I’d be drinking
today.
(40:31 – 40:37)
That’s why I drink. I don’t drink because I’m thirsty. I don’t drink because I want to ruin
my marriage.
(40:38 – 40:50)
I don’t go out at night to become bizarre and pathetic. I drink for that feeling. That
feeling of well-being.
(40:53 – 40:59)
A well-being. They don’t understand it. They never will.
(40:59 – 41:06)
People who don’t understand it will never understand it. We could talk all night about it.
They’ll never understand it.
(41:07 – 41:23)
Well, one day in a day that I have no idea when it was because, see, I don’t know the
important dates in my life. I don’t know the day I did the test tube at the beginner’s
meeting. And the test tube is become kind of my trademark in alcoholics now.
(41:23 – 41:29)
It’s everywhere I go. People say I’m going to do the test tube. Because I’ve spoken at
hundreds and hundreds of conventions.
(41:29 – 41:32)
No big deal. I shouldn’t be there. I should be dead.
(41:33 – 41:41)
And I don’t know when I did the test tube just like I don’t know the most important date
in my whole sobriety. It’s not November 3rd, 1971. I can tell you that.
(41:42 – 41:48)
That’s just an interesting date. It’s kind of a credit date. I’ve been sober since November
3rd, 1971.
(41:48 – 42:03)
Hooray, hooray for you. What’s the miracle date? The miracle date is the day that the
desire to drink left me and I don’t know the date. I didn’t even know it left until it was
gone.
(42:03 – 42:13)
And I suddenly realized that I hadn’t had a compulsion to drink for months, or weeks, or
days. And I’ve never known the date that that left. I’ll tell you another one.
(42:13 – 42:21)
I don’t know the date the guilt left. But it did leave. And one day I suddenly realized I was
no longer guilty of my childhood.
(42:24 – 42:36)
And I’ve never had that recorded. All I know is I’ve just done AA and one day I realized
that I hadn’t regretted the past for months. And I thought I would go to my grave
regretting my past.
(42:37 – 42:48)
So there’s a lot of dates in my life I don’t know the dates. So don’t think they’re
inconsequential. I just never knew they were important and sometimes I didn’t even
know they existed.
(42:48 – 43:05)
And so the day I walked in to the beginners and I asked them what an alcoholic was was
to help them understand and me to understand what the hell we’re talking about here.
Because in the book Alcoholics Anonymous it gives descriptions. There’s no official, to
my knowledge, there is no official alcoholic is as follows.
(43:06 – 43:20)
There’s stories and there’s descriptions. There’s no patented, copyrighted definition of
alcoholic as follows by Alcoholics Anonymous as a fellowship. It’d be neat if there was.
(43:22 – 43:28)
I guess. So I asked them what an alcoholic was. Now I don’t know how many people were
in the beginners meeting.
(43:28 – 43:37)
The meeting was new at that time. But I bet you there was 40 or 50 people brand new to
Alcoholics Anonymous there. And nobody responded.
(43:38 – 43:56)
I said what do? What’s an alcoholic? Nobody’s raised their hand because one of the
things you do when you’re new to Alcoholics Anonymous is you don’t participate. That’s
one of that other myriad wonders of why we don’t recover. That resistance to being well.
(43:56 – 44:13)
That lack of enthusiasm. Why don’t we participate then when we’re new? Why don’t we
do that? What is that an arrogance on my part? I don’t want to show that I’m dumb so
I’m not going to raise my hand? Or am I too good to raise my hand? I don’t know. But
that’s who I am when I’m new to Alcoholics Anonymous.
(44:14 – 44:33)
So nobody raised their hand. So I suggested since they were captives of mine that the
meeting would be 45 minutes long and if they did not want to participate we would just
sit in silence for 45 minutes. Now alcoholics, new alcoholics don’t like silence.
(44:35 – 44:57)
Not of my type. Because if you’re totally silent in an environment that’s totally silent you
start to hear the sound. You see when I’m new to Alcoholics Anonymous and there’s no
noise I start to think and remember and thoughts enter from the left and right.
(44:57 – 45:04)
I have what is known as a grand central station mind. So I like noise. I like distraction.
(45:04 – 45:18)
So when I said that I won’t say anything and we’ll all sit in silence for 40 minutes or
whatever they looked nervous. So all they did was look nervous. So then I suggested to
them that we make an alcoholic.
(45:21 – 45:36)
And they looked like I was goofy. And I suggested to them that like life and recovery we
can meet the image of it and seek to understand it through the image. So I said let’s
pretend that I have an invisible test tube.
(45:36 – 45:52)
And I do have an invisible test tube and I’ll hold it in front of me. I said why don’t you put
in the ingredients that you know from your experience and you’re new to Alcoholics
Anonymous that you believe are prerequisite to making an alcoholic. Let’s be in our
laboratory.
(45:52 – 45:59)
The laboratory is our mind. The test tube is here. The person that raised her hand was 16
years old.
(46:00 – 46:11)
And she said put in fear. And the guy who was 60 or 70 years put in depression. And
then it started as I held up this invisible test tube.
(46:11 – 46:15)
Put in anxiety. Put in remorse. Put in guilt.
(46:15 – 46:20)
Put in self-loathing. Put in perfectionism. Put in inferiority.
(46:21 – 46:27)
Put in superiority one said. Put in anger. Put in loneliness.
(46:28 – 46:43)
Put in more guilt. We had a whole bunch of Catholics that night. Perfectionism somebody
said.
(46:43 – 46:52)
Put that in there. Others looked funny at that. But I looked funny when one said put in
inferiority and the very next person said put in superiority.
(46:53 – 47:01)
And yet I could relate that that is the antidote that I’ve used all my life. To be an inferior
is to act superior. You’re afraid, act tough.
(47:01 – 47:09)
We know the game. Men of my type. And they fill that test tube with all those things.
(47:09 – 47:26)
And I’ll tell you what did not happen. The first time I did the test tube and I’ve now done
the test tube thousands of times. Invariably no matter when I do it the people that fill the
test tube always leave out one thing.
(47:27 – 47:31)
Alcohol. Alcohol. And they know.
(47:31 – 47:38)
And we waste all our time. They have never read the book. They have not gone to all our
meetings.
(47:38 – 47:48)
And they know by their own experience that alcohol is but a symptom of the problem.
And we get them in AA and we drip them with alcohol. Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol.
(47:49 – 47:57)
As if this is about alcohol. And we wonder why we run them off. They know.
(47:58 – 48:08)
They know when they walk in that alcohol is a symptom. It’s not the problem. Because if
you take that experiment Mikey and you carry it one step further.
(48:09 – 48:16)
If you have a test tube and I’m the test tube what those guys and gals made that night
were me. That’s all my life. That’s who I am.
(48:16 – 48:42)
All that mixed up garbage of feelings I don’t understand them. But when they put alcohol
so if you take that and you start to pour just enough alcohol in the test tube. What do
you think happens to fear if you put just enough alcohol in the test tube? It dissolves.
It appears to go away. It dilutes it. Do you know what alcohol does to loneliness? Just
enough alcohol does to loneliness.
(48:45 – 49:06)
What do you think? Makes it go away. Alcohol when I put it in people like me a guy like
me puts alcohol in me and everything that’s in the test tube seems to be acceptable,
diluted somehow reduced. I get prettier when I drink.
(49:07 – 49:34)
I do. I’ve watched other people get prettier when I drink. Laughter Laughter Eight o’clock
they don’t look so good.
Eleven o’clock they’re beautiful. Magic. I’m kind of a coward but you put just enough
alcohol in me I’m not afraid of anybody.
(49:35 – 49:39)
Matter of fact I’ll be aggressive. Forget about passive. I’ll be aggressive.
(49:40 – 50:01)
I can go from laughter to violence like that. Now if that’s me and you just put enough
alcohol in me and everything that’s in that test tube seems to be moderated and liveable
and less volatile and diluted the name of the game is to drink. That’s why I drink.
(50:02 – 1:30:38)
People that don’t know what alcoholism has no idea that I drink to feel okay and to act
okay and to live okay they think I drink to punch them, to violate them to violate myself
to be a bad husband to be a degrading father to be an absent father to be an unfaithful
husband to be a bad employee to be a statistic or kill your kid in my car accident they
think I drink to be those things. I drink to be a good citizen to be a good guy in a good
world and to fit in and it works for me when I start to drink and if I can just get just
enough alcohol, life will be okay the problem is that for some people people like me if
you start to do that you find that as it goes on you have to put more to make it work and
more to make it work and then it stops working it doesn’t all of a sudden stop working, it
just doesn’t work so good so that night I put more on top of more and then bad stuff
happens I do and say things I never intended to say and do stuff happens and then I
wake up and I say I can’t let that happen anymore I don’t want to be that kind of a
person and then I put some more in and then four nights later or four months later or
fourteen months later, bad stuff starts to happen and I never say I’m going to stop
drinking I just got to figure this out so I start drinking differently I change what I drink, I
change who I drink with I change the days I drink I change the hours I change I take
vacations, I change because I don’t want that bad stuff to happen I just want to be okay
Alcoholics of my type once the progression, the change occurs and it stops working, it’ll
never work again my reaction to when it stops working is to put more and more in it I
make things worse, I don’t make them better but I’m trying to make them better I’m not
trying to make them worse and the wife who’s screaming at me with tears rolling down
your eyes saying can’t you see what you’re drinking is doing to us doesn’t understand
I’m trying to get a hold of it I’m trying to be a good husband I want to be a faithful
husband and a good father I just can’t figure it out I’m not drinking to be bad I’m drinking
to be good and they don’t understand that and that’s really the truth Alcoholics of my
type If you continue to drink and you’re an alcoholic of my type when it stops working
and you continue to pour alcohol in your test tube remember the fear that was in the
test tube you’ll know a new meaning of fear remember guilt that was in the test tube
well you’re going to earn new you’re going to get a different sense of guilt, remorse
hatred loneliness depression, anxiety all those things get worse not better and then
there’s no hope because there’s no relief for people like me and that’s why people like
me sooner or later do the thing they know they’ll never do and that is say these words
I’m not made to say those words everything about me is opposite to say those words I
need help and many of us try a lot of things before we come into alcoholics to do it
ourselves because a man’s supposed to do it by himself he’s supposed to figure it out I
guess women are supposed to do it too adults are supposed to figure it out we’re not
supposed to be children you don’t have to go to strangers and say I need help we’re
adults we ought to figure it out so we try to figure it out and we make pledges and
promises and change the way we drink people like me all of which fail and then they say
why don’t you try not to drink and I look at them and think what’s wrong with you I try
not to drink and then I accomplish it I stay sober for three days and then I get drunk and
they don’t understand I get drunk from sober I don’t get drunk from drunk they want me
to get sober when I get sober I get drunk I can’t stand sober I must drink to avoid sober
and they’re offering me sober as a cure for my alcoholism and I’ll tell you you shake your
head but I tell you you go to meetings of alcoholics and non-alcoholics all over the world
and people like that will tell you that if you get sober you will treat your alcoholism and
they tell you just put the plug in the jug and just don’t drink one day at a time and I
guarantee you that is my experience that if you do that you will get crazy because if all
you do is don’t drink and if you have what I have and that is a conscience see there are
people in the world that have none they murder people and they don’t even think about
it they break hearts and they don’t even think about it they drop every responsibility
they’ve ever had and they don’t think about it but I’ve not been blessed by that I always
feel guilty I always feel bad I always feel like I did something wrong I always gotta okay
so I don’t just go through the world just saying well I can be sober and then once I’m
sober I can do anything else and it doesn’t matter because I’m sober one day at a time
see my kind of sober is if I’m sober and miserable if I’m sober and violating what I think
are the right way to live I can’t stand it so I gotta get drunk so you come to AA and you
say to me Frank here’s what we’re going to offer if we’re going to offer you sober I tell
you to stick it laughter and when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous they offered me sober
and that’s all I got and for the first two years I was sober and that’s all but I learned a
secret see I know how to adapt I’m like a chameleon I know how to adapt you want to
make it in AA you go to the meetings you act interested you don’t argue with them you
read what they tell you to read at least some of it and then you quote some of it as if you
read it all laughter and then when they ask you your opinion on a step you just say I’m
not quite sure I’m ready for that step but I think I’ll listen tonight or if you feel more
adventurous you just give them an opinion it doesn’t matter that you never intend to
take that step it’s just kind of neat and you pick up some chairs and make some coffee
and then you take a birthday cake and then you take another birthday cake and then
they use you as an example to newcomers see Mike over there he came to us and he
was wet and now he’s dry and sober and he’s two years sober Mike you have a good
program what they don’t know Mike is you’re still slapping your wife you’ve still got a
girlfriend you’re still stealing at work you’re still doing stuff that you know or if you’re like
me see I did all those things I was sober and alcoholics and all people said you’ve got a
good program but I still had all those things all that shit was happening I was still
terrorizing my house I still knew my case was different and a wife was one thing and a
girlfriend is another if you work as hard as I do and you get as successful as I can you
can afford it cause that’s the only difference kings had a lot of wives even they changed
religion to allow kings to have more wives as long as each ex-wife got a castle they
called that English law and I’m thinking to myself why can’t I do that I’d just buy some
more houses you can say those things but there’s something inconsistent with what
you’re saying in here cause you see if you ever said to a woman I’ll spend the rest of my
life with you and you really meant that you would be together for the rest of your life
there’s a sense in there that there’s some kind of respect for that, there’s some kind of a
promise and I could not live with that it almost drove me out of alcoholics and I don’t
know so I met a guy that I talked about this afternoon he said to me I was in Florida the
day I talked to him I said John hey he doesn’t work for me I said I’m sober a couple of
years and I’m just as bad now as I’ve ever been and he said you don’t know anything
about AA he said Frank you’ve never been in AA I said John what are you talking about
he said you think AA is about not drinking I said I know it’s not about it it’s about not
drinking he said AA is not about not drinking that’s why they don’t put in the book don’t
drink they put in the book as I said this afternoon the only thing about drinking that’s in
this book is a statement go and drink this book says if you’re not convinced go drink we
want you to drink this book says we want you to drink we want you to go out we want
you to try some controlled drinking and we want you to try it over and over again until
you’re convinced when you’re convinced you come back here and we’ll show you a new
way of life that’s what this book says we’ve watered it down but that’s what it really says
watering it down doesn’t make it right it just makes it diluted and he said you’ve been
subject to diluted AA he said this is about change and the thing you change young man
is you and you can’t change you but God could and would if he were sought and your job
is to make yourself open to change and all we ask you is to be willing willing to allow
change to occur and that’s all AA is about willingness to allow change to occur and these
steps are designed to make you change without you changing you and I’m thinking to
myself why didn’t anybody tell me this before and maybe they had maybe they had guys
I don’t know but I never heard it I think to myself why am I resisting change why do you
resist change why do people like me resist change and I’ll tell you what comes to my
mind I resist change because change hurts and I said that to that man who’s was 48
years sober when he died and he said this to me he said Frank listen carefully he talked
to me like I was dumb isn’t that amazing he said there is no pain in change the only pain
that’s in change is in your resistance to change the resistance is what you feel as pain
change is painless huh I wonder why everybody didn’t tell me that before on November
3rd, 1971 I called the Alcoholics’ Office for the third time I called it about two years
before that and I got a recorded message no I didn’t I got a I got a recorded message I
called an answering service I didn’t know I was calling an answering service I just read in
the phone book I don’t know why I called things were just not going so well I was still
doing very well but things weren’t going so well secretly I snuck through the phone I
opened the book I had heard the words alcoholics and I called and I got a recorded
message and you know how they sound they sound like recorded messages and I hung
up the phone and I remember when I hung up the phone I got a wonderful feeling I got a
feeling of God good for you Frank you’ve done something about your drinking and I took
an inventory and here’s how my inventory goes I’m too young to be an alcoholic I’m too
smart to be an alcoholic I’m too well educated to be an alcoholic I’m too successful to be
an alcoholic I still have my family intact I can’t be an alcoholic I live in this big house on
top of a hill and I’ve got this big fancy car and my wife’s got a new car alcoholics don’t
live like that close my eyes what does an alcoholic look like oh I see an alcoholic skid row
bum a dirty old man that’s what I see I’m not an alcoholic see I took inventories way
before you got here we all took inventories some of these old timers take an inventory
here’s an inventory give me a break get me out of here a year later I take another bad
turn in my life and I call an alcoholic year and a half and I got a live voice and I hung up
the phone as soon as the woman said good morning I hung up the phone because I am a
I remember and I remember that previously when I hung up the phone I got a good
feeling I hung up the phone I took another inventory and I felt good I thought my god
here’s the second time you’ve done something about it you’re drinking and this time it’s
going to be different this time it’s going to be different you’re going to really promise
yourself it’s going to be different and I meant it it was going to be different because
when I hung up the phone like a thousand other times had you taken a polygraph
machine and you put it on me and you asked me the question Frank do you really mean
this time you’re not going to drink anymore I would have said yes I really mean it and the
needle would never have moved because I would have been telling the truth because I
meant it I did that a thousand times I meant it I meant I wasn’t going to drink this was
not just words I meant it I wasn’t going to do that anymore and then I did it again and
again and again and again it was a match it was a match I know we can’t smoke I’m not
going to smoke remember I was telling you about Danny my six year old when Danny
was three or two I suddenly realized that Danny had never seen a match we don’t smoke
in my family we don’t have meat for matches the only time I’ve ever seen a match
Danny’s ever seen a match I guess was to light a candle on a birthday cake and maybe
then I don’t know so I thought to myself and I shared with my beginners the fact that if
Danny, my grandson, thinks that I’m God he really does, I’m Papa that’s what he calls
me, Papa and when he says Papa it’s the greatest sound in the whole world because it’s
unconditional love those words, say I love you let’s say I love you it just means love so
Danny, trust me and if I knelt down in front of Danny and said Danny who was three or
four at the time Danny, look what Papa has for you look how bright and shiny that is
Danny, come here touch this look Danny maybe you like it and Danny would run away
and he would cry wouldn’t he? I think we could all agree let’s try this game out in our
mind let’s wait a day let’s wait two and then I’ll go back to Danny’s house hi Danny it’s
Papa look what I have for you today Danny look at how bright and shiny it is come on
Danny put your finger in here what do you think Danny would do? well some people I’ve
done this thousands of times some people say, oh he touched it again so I’ll play their
game so I go back the next day and I do it again Danny’s not going to touch it because
Danny remembers and it hurt and he said to himself I’m never touching it again how
many times Mikey did you touch it? how many times? a hundred? a thousand? each time
it burned each time we said I won’t do it again each time we meant it and then the next
time we let it we touched it and it burned and we said we won’t do it anymore and we
won’t touch it anymore and it hurt and we cried or we ran away or we denied and then
we did it again and again and again and why are we talking about powerless? why are
we talking about unmanageable? why are we wasting our time? Danny’s three years old
for Christ’s sake and he doesn’t touch it I’m 34 and I’m still touching it that’s not about
sanity that’s about insanity why are we talking about insanity as if it’s a debating society
or it’s a definition that we ought to argue about it’s who we are alcoholics of my time you
have to be insane to live like that year after year month after month and that’s my way
of life third time I called alcoholics anonymous I got a live voice and a lady said to me
what’s your name and I wouldn’t tell her my name I wouldn’t tell her my name because I
was embarrassed and ashamed that I was calling A I called it Chicago Central and the
lady said I can’t help you if you don’t give me your name and I’m thinking I don’t care I
didn’t ask for help I just asked to call I mean I don’t know about help I’ll wrap this up but I
have to tell the story she asked me to tell her the name, my address my phone number,
my age and what I did for a living to make a long story short I finally reluctantly gave her
that information she told me with that information she would pass it on to a member of
alcoholics anonymous who would call me at 6 o’clock this is 9 o’clock in the morning and
I said ladies it’s too early it’s not going to work by 6 o’clock I will have taken an inventory
the result of which is I’m no longer an alcoholic I do not need help I will convince myself
that I will really mean it this time and this time it will be different and I will not need you
because I’ve been through this a thousand times and she said if you’re that serious
there’s a place in Chicago you could go to and she gave me the address and I lived way
outside the city in this fancy neighborhood in this suburb and I went to this strange
address she gave me and I got in I dressed up to go to Alcoholics Anonymous I had just
come off of an experiment in drinking rum successfully in San Juan Puerto Rico in a
beautiful tan it was just wonderful I had this blue silk suit in a silk tie blue patent leather
shoes they were in then way before he made them popular they really were and I had a
diamond pinkie ring and a gold watch and I got my new Cadillac and I drove around this
big circular drive and I went to join Alcoholics Anonymous you know why I did that?
because that was what I hid behind that’s what fooled you that’s what made the world
know that I’m okay because I got those things but I want to kill myself I don’t know how
to live and I got stuff hanging on and going on in my life that if you knew you would
never talk to me again I can’t live like that so I drive this goofy address that ends up in
Skid Row in a store front building and I pull that new car up in front of there because I
wanted them to see me come in I was sure they would know I wasn’t an alcoholic
because alcoholics are as soon as I walked in a young man walked up and said do you
need help? I stayed with him for six hours I told him everything I was capable of telling
him but I lied to him too because later in the evening later in the afternoon oh it was way
past six hours because it was about four something when he said Frank let’s stop right
now I was there all day I was crying real tears it was just a wonderful thing and he said
let’s go to a meeting let’s go have a sandwich we’ll go to a meeting I instantly knew I
didn’t want to go to a meeting who wants to go to a meeting? so I said to him I can’t go
to a meeting I have to be home for dinner at that time I hadn’t been home for dinner for
seven years why would you go home for dinner? they’re there the wife and those kids
they’re there why would you want to go there? if you wait a little longer they’ll go to bed
and then you can go in and you can have some peace and there won’t be that screaming
stuff won’t happen why go home for dinner? so I said I have to go home for dinner and
he said ok and here’s my name and number and call me and I left him about 4.30 and
about 15 minutes later I got in the gas station to call my wife I said Lee you won’t believe
what I’ve done for you today I went to AA and she said that’s fine we’re having chicken
it’ll be on the table at 6 and she hung up and I thought that’s a hell of a way to treat a
guy who just went to AA and it really didn’t matter because she didn’t care if I came
home she didn’t care if I came home the greatest gift I gave my children was my
absence she didn’t care if I came she was trapped in that big house with those three
little girls I wasn’t there the bills were paid she could raise them with the least amount of
interference and I could just go follow my friends and make new acquaintances younger
and prettier ones she didn’t care so at 5 minutes to 6 I drove up to that big house and
out the door there was that woman who I once pledged that I would love till I died and
there was those three little girls and there was chicken on the table and there was
chicken on the table and my kids had computer eyes I don’t know if you’ve ever seen
computer eyes computer eyes are the eyes of children of alcoholics my type and here’s
what they say what kind of day did daddy have you see because daddy’s either lovable
or he’s vengeful daddy can scream and holler or kiss you you never know what’s going to
happen when daddy walks in the room the thing you gotta do is figure out what kind of
day daddy had because you see if daddy had a good day and everything was okay
daddy would walk in and say you’re wonderful and beautiful and you’re the prettiest little
girl and god gave you to me and I am the luckiest daddy in the whole world but if daddy
didn’t have a good day and daddy had a bad day or they hurt daddy daddy may walk by
you and knock you off the chair with no warning because you left a sock in the middle of
the living room so it’s very important to determine what kind of day daddy had and I tell
you Mikey that when those kids were born I pledged that daddy would come live in a
house different than my house because I lived in a house like that and I said not this
time baby, my kids will not live like I lived I was right, they lived worse and I never
intended that It’s 6 o’clock sharp the phone rang and I heard the worst voice I’ve ever
heard in my life Frank my name is George I got your name from central office I
understand you got a problem with booze I said yeah George I had a problem but I went
to an AA club and he says I want to come over to your house and I’m thinking to myself
how could I bring an alcoholic into my home you have to picture this I live in this big
house on top of this big hill everybody in the world could see you come up to my house
and there’s this big circular drive all the neighbors will see you come and I don’t know
how you come I don’t know how alcoholics come I don’t know if you come in a
Volkswagen bus with P signs on it I have no idea I’ve never seen an alcoholic we just got
this plush white carpeting how am I going to bring an alcoholic into my house that’s how
sick I am that’s my perception so when he says he wants to come over I lie to him I say I
can’t have you come over because I’m going to a PTA meeting I’ve never gone to a PTA
meeting in my life I had never known anybody who had gone to a PTA meeting I told you
when I became a lawyer because I was told to be a lawyer I never felt like a lawyer and
32 years later I retired from being a lawyer and I never ever felt like a lawyer I was
destined to be a lawyer you know why? because I could lie with no thought process I
have this unique gift you put pressure on me and I lie without thinking he said to me he
wanted to come over and I said a PTA meeting and he said what time is that meeting
over? I said 8.30 he said I’ll be there at 9.45 I don’t have to think he’s putting pressure
on me I said normally that would be ok but tonight we have a board directors meeting
and I’m in the board directors what time is that meeting over? I don’t know what I said
10.30 he said I’ll be there at 10.45 I said listen you might not believe this but after the
regular board meeting we have a finance committee meeting and I’m the chairman of
the finance committee it’s neat I’m really in the groove now but I’m the same guy at 9
o’clock in the morning with tears rolling down my eyes have decided that it stops here
it’s done the same guy at 6 o’clock tonight that same night is lying to the person who’s
offering help now there’s something inconsistent about being enthusiastic about
recovery in that story there’s something about denial in that story and I told him that
and he said I’ll be there at midnight and I said no thank you leave your name and
number and when it’s more convenient I’ll get back to you and he went crazy and started
to swear and scream and holler he went nuts he said listen you goof goof to make a long
story short after he swore every word you ever thought of and kept calling me a
disgusting goof he said if it’s not too inconvenient would you answer three questions and
I would do anything to get rid of him because you know he’s recovery he’s help I gotta
get him out of my life I gotta touch that light again that shiny, shiny flame he said what
are you somebody important I said yep he said what are you somebody famous I said
yep he said what are you a lawyer or something and I said yep he said listen famous
important lawyer when I got out of court this afternoon the Chicago office called me and
asked me to make this call on you I’m a lawyer I practice law 17 years 5 miles from
where you live and I’ve never heard of you and I said what time are you coming and he
said I’m not coming cause you’re not worth it now in case you doubt this story you can
go to the Lamont Oaks meeting any Monday night and meet George Cullen who’s there
every Monday night I have not added one word this is not podium flash some goof didn’t
script this for me this really happened exactly the way I said it he said I’m not coming
cause you’re not worth it and he was a master at dealing with alcoholics of my time
cause he knew if you tell me I can’t have it you can’t stop me from getting it but if you
tell me it’s available to me I will think about it and it’s not convenient to do so now and
when he said I could not have it I thought to myself you know what I thought and then he
baited the trap he said if you want to talk to me you come to my house and I said where
do you live and he said Beverly Hills which is like California like in the Beverly Hills
hillbillies a big bunch of mansions and I thought to myself good I’m going to get in a
good branch and I drove to his house and I walked up to the door and I knocked on the
door and the door opened and this little ugly guy answered Frank he said yep he said
stand there and it was like years and he came out and took me to my first meeting that
was my sobriety day about a year and a half later we’re in a restaurant and he said
Frank do you ever wonder why I never let you in my house the day you came I said no
George why didn’t you he said we just got new carpeting true five years later I used to
go to all George’s talks George was quite a speaker and then six years in his sixth year I
remember when he told me he wasn’t no more an alcoholic and he drank and the guy
who saved my life Frank again and they drank for four years and it’s a true story you can
come to that meeting any Monday night and George will be there because everybody I
sponsor is at that meeting and I sponsored George today and that doesn’t make me
powerful that just shows us a strange damn thing this thing called recovery because one
day I went into a drug store near downtown center Chicago a place I had never been in
my whole life in this particular neighborhood and I went into a drug store to buy
cigarettes and I had never been within five miles of that drug store and I walked in that
drug store and coming out of the drug store was George and he was four days into a
drunk and he looked at me and I looked at him and he said Frank I need help and I
brought him to the Lamont Oaks meeting that night and that’s his sobriety date now I
didn’t do anything for George and in the first year only thing I told George was what he
told me and he’s been sober now 17 years and that’s how it works you got a problem
with God just remember this take a risk let there be a God even if you don’t believe in it
and if there is a God, God must be all good can’t be half good couldn’t be God and you
could not offend God because for you to offend God you would have to inflict a negative
on a pure positive and that is impossible both in reality and in your mind it is impossible
for me to bring the level of God’s existence down so that I inflict upon God an
inconvenience or injury because when you offend somebody you bring the level of
quality of their life down God is God and I cannot offend God God never was mad at me I
just was mad at me and wanted to be God and I could not forgive me if you hang around
Alcos Anonymous you’ll see most of the people leave I guarantee you those that actually
took the steps do not leave I guarantee you that I have never seen anyone who has
taken the steps actually leave because if you actually take the steps stuff happens in
your life it’s not all wonderful but stuff happens in your life and you literally change who
you are I bear no resemblance to the guy who came in here 25 years ago I don’t care if
you like me or not, trust me you would really not like me then I’m with that same woman
I’m going to live the rest of my life with her and I’m going to be a good husband that
means faithful husband those days are over that’s been removed from me I’ve been the
best grandfather in the world and my kids think I’m a good father that’s all impossible to
happen I don’t know if that will happen to you if you stay around but you come here not
having to hate yourself anymore and you can just be you and you don’t have to prove
anything and if you see people leave I want you to understand don’t ever buy the fact
sometimes you hear people say there but for the grace of God go I it’s not right that
can’t be true what they say when they say that is that God gives certain grace to certain
people he picks and chooses who gets the good grace and who doesn’t how could God if
there is a God and if God made all of us and if God loves us all equally and God couldn’t
love one more than the other and be God there would be an inconsistency he must give
everybody the same amount of grace then why do some people stay a year some people
stay a day some people come and go for their whole lifetime in and out, in and out, in
and out some people stay I had a guy get drunk the day of his 20th day birthday didn’t
come for his cake 20th day birthday one of the guys I sponsored that’s only two years
ago it happens is that something to do with God’s lack of grace no if God gives
everybody the same amount of grace and I assume that he does alcoholic and nonalcoholic why do some people have such change occur in their life and some people
don’t I think it’s because those that do act upon it and those that don’t reject it and the
only thing you have to do is to be willing to have it occur show up, sit in do what you’re
told and take the steps last thing AA is two ideas not one AA is a fellowship of men and
women who together embrace support nurture each other and teach each other AA is
like a beautiful hospital you go in the hospital no matter if you’re afraid of doctors you’re
afraid of death you go in the hospital and they create a sterile environment which is
conducive to recovery and they put you at ease and they make you feel okay and they
prepare you for the operation the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are the operation go to
the hospital be in that wonderfully warm wonderful environment and not get the
operation you will die in that beautiful place called AA and you will die of alcoholism
Alcoholics of my type need both the hospital the fellowship and the program of recovery
and together they work today like they did when they wrote rarely have we seen a
person fail take it on attack it go after it get an army hang with an army don’t feel alone
support them, let them support you don’t be a statistic the only thing that’s standing in
your way of making it is you so I’m speaking for myself when I point out to you don’t be
like me be like the winners of Alcoholics Anonymous I almost died here I almost died
here by the grace of God in my willingness to surrender somebody gave me the idea that
maybe maybe I could believe in something I could never believe in before welcome to
Alcoholics Anonymous thank you very much applause I’d like to thank everybody