Harold L. from St. Louis, MO at Bootheel Conference – Hayti, MO – 10/1/2004

(0:10 – 0:32)
Being everybody, my name is Harold Long, I’m an alcoholic, and I’m glad to be here and
be sober. I want to thank the committee for asking my wife and myself to come down
and be a part of your conference and share in this weekend. Small town AA or rural AA is
my kind of AA, I got sober in a rural town way up on the other side of the state, up on the
Iowa border.
(0:33 – 0:52)
So I love these kind of meetings and conventions, and they’re special because, especially
this size, if you waste the time and don’t get to know some people in the meetings
tonight and over the weekend and build some new friendships, then you really wasted
the time here. I mean, because there’s a lot of good people in the room that are worth
knowing. I know a lot of them.
(0:53 – 1:21)
I want to thank Hal for hosting us and getting us along, and I have some friends, Sam
from Robin Hood wrote down from Louisville. I think I know most of the speakers, Tim,
the gentleman that’s going to speak tomorrow night was a Friday night speaker about
three years ago at a convention we have in St. Louis, the Fall Classic, and I had the
privilege to be the voice of the conference that year and make fun of Tim before he
spoke. So now the redemption will be back, you know, I didn’t get that back.
(1:22 – 1:41)
So I’m looking forward to hearing Tim again, and he brought his sister with him, so that’s
a good thing. My wife’s here, Lisa, and she’s worth knowing, so if you get a chance this
weekend, you know, get to know her, and she’ll help keep this a really honest talk
probably tonight, you know. But I’m glad to be here.
(1:41 – 1:55)
I’m tired. We’ve had a long day, you know, living the drive down here, and hopefully I’ll
get jazzed up a little bit. I quit drinking caffeine over a year ago, so I had to run up to
McDonald’s and get a little decaf, and hopefully between that and the rest of the
evening, we’ll get along fine.
(1:55 – 2:17)
But, you know, I’m here to share my story, and that’s really what it’s about. It’s just
sharing our experience, strength, and hope, and hoping that someone can identify and
relate to that, and hopefully something you hear this weekend from somebody will make
a big difference in how your life turns out, you know, and that’s what happened for me. I
have a friend, Randy, that’s in the room that I’ve known Randy since the first Hurricane
Day for the most part, from years ago.
(2:18 – 2:33)
And he’s here, and we’ve shared a lot of experiences over the years, and I was just with
him up on the other side of the state at some other events just this past summer, and
now we’re down here. He lives in Sykes now, and he’s worth knowing. He’s backed here
by Hal, and he’s worth knowing as well.
(2:33 – 2:47)
I mean, there’s a lot of good people in the room. I didn’t get sober the first time I came
down. I know there’s a gentleman here that’s getting ready to celebrate a year, and I
think that’s awesome, and all the other sobriety dates that are in the room, but I didn’t
get sober the first time I came to Alcoholics Anonymous.
(2:47 – 2:59)
As a matter of fact, the first time I came to AA was in a correctional facility in 1979 in
Derrick County Detention Center in Kirchfield, Missouri, and I didn’t want no part of
Alcoholics Anonymous. I’ve never been introduced to AA. I’ve been to the counselors.
(2:59 – 3:22)
I’ve been to, you know, other people like that, but I’ve never been to AA, and that was
my first introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous, was in the high-debt setting. You know,
and Wilson always makes the claim that, you know, our chief responsibility at Alcoholics
Anonymous is to deliver an adequate presentation of this program, and that was
delivered to me. When I honestly look back on my life, I’ve always had that delivered in
that way.
(3:22 – 3:41)
I’ve always had an adequate demonstration of what this program is about. I’ve never had
a poor demonstration where I look back and say, I just don’t want no part of that because
of what they stand for. It was always, I don’t want no part of it because I’m not one of
those people, and when they were bringing that into that correctional facility, it was the
same way, you know, that you were forced to go down to the meeting because there
really wasn’t anywhere else to go.
(3:42 – 4:26)
And, you know, I just sat around and made fun of the guys and et cetera, and they went
home, and I had no desire whatsoever to stop drinking or changing my life at that time.
And I had numerous other introductions to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I’ll talk more
about those. But my story, you know, I was born in a small town on the western side of
the state, in Nevada, Missouri, for anybody who knows where that’s at, and I was born to
a mom who had just been in a really bad alcoholic marriage with her past husband, and I
have a half-brother and two half-sisters out of that, that came out of that marriage that I
really didn’t get to know until later on in life, and my mom stepped away from all that
and really just pretty much had a nervous breakdown, went into the state hospital and
had her own problems.
(4:26 – 4:46)
And when she got out of that hospital, she did what a lot of us do that suffer from
alcoholism or even suffer from the family illness, as they call it. She married another
alcoholic, she hooked up to another guy, and that happened to be my dad. And she met
my father, and the same thing all over again.
(4:46 – 4:59)
You know, my dad was a bad drunk, but for whatever reason, she had her own spiritual
resolve. It didn’t take Al-Anon or anything like that for her, she just had a resolve. She
just became crushed by life, is all you can really say.
(5:00 – 5:20)
I mean, she just became crushed and decided she was getting away from that. She left
my dad when I was two, and I was left to be raised by my mother, you know, a single
mom who had no education, no money, no nothing. And my hats go off to single parents,
you know, and single moms, whether you’re a single dad or a single mom, it’s a tough
road to hoe, especially with the emotional baggage that she was trying to carry.
(5:20 – 5:34)
But she had her own spiritual experience, and she’d have to be the one to stand there
and tell you that. But I can tell you this much, it changed her whole life, and it never
stopped from that day until now. She’s one of the greatest people I know in my life, and
she’s an awesome, she’s why I’m watching our two daughters right now.
(5:34 – 6:04)
My kids are spending the weekend with her, and she’s a great lady, and she’s my best
friend, you know, no doubt about it. But there’s some disadvantages to being raised by a
single parent, you know, especially a mom, and especially if you’re an NFL, Marlboro,
macho man, leather on leather guy like I am, I mean, there’s some downfalls to that. And
one of the downfalls is the way you learn how to throw a baseball, you know, a single
mom trying to teach you how to throw a ball, a lot of times, you know, you end up in a
neighborhood throwing a ball like this, you know, and it don’t go over real well, you
know.
(6:05 – 6:27)
And you dress funny, and the birds and the bees talk a lot different, you know, when
you’re raised by a single parent. I mean, when a mom tells you about the birds and the
bees, the bottom line is, all bees are scumbags, that’s what you learn, that’s what you
learn, all bees are scumbags. So I knew I was toast from the beginning, you know.
(6:28 – 6:48)
But no, really, my mom, and I say this because it’s so pertinent to why I’m standing here
today, my mom gave me all the love that a kid could want. I’m not one of these cats
that’s going to stand up here and tell you I had this bad deal growing up, you know, we
didn’t have any money, you know, if I had a dollar, two dollars in my pocket, that was a
lot of money for me. But I mean, I had all the love a mom could give a kid.
(6:48 – 6:57)
My mom told me she loved me every day. My mom always would give me a hug, give
me whatever I needed as a young boy growing up, and I really believe it wasn’t for that. I
wouldn’t be standing here today.
(6:58 – 7:13)
I really believe it saved my life, or had a big part to do with it. She was a strong Christian
woman, and that’s where she really committed her life to, and it changed her life. And
she tried to instill those values and those morals in my life, and helped me to have a
relationship with God.
(7:14 – 7:40)
And I always believed in God, I always respected God, but I never understood God, you
know, and that’s really the bottom line. I never really doubted that there was a power
greater than myself, but I never understood it, and wanted no part of it, and I’ll talk a lot
more about that. But I believe it wasn’t for those core things in my life, looking back on
it, that I wouldn’t be standing here today, that I would have probably been another
teenage suicide victim along the way.
(7:41 – 8:19)
Because the hundred forms of fear and self-pity they talk about in our book that drives
our lives, you know, it’s the root of our problem, I suffered for those things long before I
ever picked up a drink. When I look back at all the inventories I’ve done over my life and
really focus in on that, the things that still drive me today, sometimes at night when you
lay your head down on a pillow at night, sometimes, I don’t know about you, but my
mind is a bad thing sometimes, and it can really drive me, it’s insane, where my mind
still today can take me, and I do battle with that. But today I know how to deal with it,
you know, through prayer, through meditation, through opening up to somebody,
through honesty, through just whatever.
(8:19 – 8:45)
A lot of tools and actions I can take, but the bottom line is, I didn’t know any of that when
I’m seven, eight years old, growing up, I didn’t know any of those things as a child. And I
did battle with that stuff. I mean, it was a constant tug of war going on in my mind about
life, always comparing myself to everything going on around me, 24-7, just the whole,
and I can just look here and be as still as this microphone, but my head is just going, you
know, a hundred miles per hour.
(8:45 – 9:03)
And I could never shut it off, could never shut it off. And I was always the type of kid,
man, that just had to be, stood out in front of everybody else, you know, I had to be in
the spotlight. And it wasn’t because I wanted to be better than you, it was just because
only until I could be in that position in life did I ever feel like I was a part of anything.
(9:04 – 9:20)
I mean, if you just treated me like every other cat on the baseball team, there was a real
internal battle going on with me, and I didn’t like it. And what would happen is I’d get
discouraged, and I’d want to quit. And if I look back on the inventories of my life, I did
that my entire life.
(9:20 – 9:41)
I not only did it with, you know, activities and hobbies and sports, but if I followed on
through my life, through the patterns, I did it with relationships, through school, with one
girlfriend and an ex-girlfriend and an ex-girlfriend, the list goes on and on. Because as
soon as I got discouraged with it, I quit. And I see that happen in Alcoholics Anonymous.
(9:41 – 9:56)
I’ve had those temptations in Alcoholics Anonymous, to get discouraged and want to do
the same thing I did most of my life, and that’s just quit, run away, walk away from it,
hell with it. And my inventory is just full of that stuff. You know, that was my life growing
up.
(9:57 – 10:04)
And I was good at sports. I played baseball, I did all those things. So I didn’t have a lot of,
you know, you hear a lot of people, we come from a lot of different backgrounds.
(10:05 – 10:15)
Was I born alcoholic? I don’t know about all that stuff. But I know I was born fatally
flawed, that I do know, you know, and I think all of us are. And that I can guarantee.
(10:16 – 10:23)
And I accept that today. But I didn’t know it then. My first drink came about the age of 10
or 11.
(10:23 – 10:33)
My mom was gone all the time. My mom worked two jobs most of my life, just to keep a
roof over her head. And she made a step up and moved from this little town, Nevada, to
this town called Arnold, suburb of St. Louis.
(10:33 – 10:46)
And she bought a little trailer and moved to this little mobile home park out in Arnold,
Missouri. And living in that trailer court, I was exposed to a whole new lifestyle that I’d
never been exposed to. I was born in this little town, in this little protected community.
(10:46 – 11:00)
Now I’m opened up and I’m out of the parochial schools, thrown into the public school
system and exposed to a whole new world that I never even knew existed. Never knew
it. And I got exposed to, you know, the dark side, if you like to call it.
(11:00 – 11:04)
That’s what I like to call it. The dark side of life. And I was, there I was at my feet.
(11:05 – 11:13)
And when I look back on my life, I sold my soul to that, almost immediately. Because I
needed something. Because inside, I was dying.
(11:13 – 11:32)
I mean, there was just so much screaming and insanity going on between me, so I
needed something to leverage that. When I got there, you know, I started in this
different school and I went through all the same battles and wanted to quit and didn’t
want to be in any of this stuff. But I, you know, I always had a tendency to run around
guys that were always a lot older than I am.
(11:32 – 11:45)
And still today, I have that tendency to do that, you know. And I don’t know if that’s
because I just didn’t have a dad in my life or whatever, but that’s what I did. And these
kids that I would run around, 17, 18 years old, I was doing that when I was 10 or 11
years old.
(11:45 – 11:58)
And I met this kid and he invited me to his house for a big party. And I’ve never been to
a real party before in my life. And you know, I probably had a few sips off of beer here
and there, but I never really took a first drink.
(11:59 – 12:06)
You know, a real serious drink. And I went to this guy’s house and he had this major
party going on. It was a huge party going on inside this house.
(12:07 – 12:13)
And I get to this house and I walk in and out. And I remember it like it was yesterday. I
can almost remember the whole scene of this thing.
(12:14 – 12:25)
And he was playing bartender. He was playing, you know, the big shot. And I walked over
there and he said, what are you going to drink? And I didn’t say anything like, well, I’ve
never drank before.
(12:25 – 12:31)
I’m scared to drink. What’s going to happen if I drink? Maybe we’ll get in trouble if I drink.
I just said, well, whatever you’re going to drink is what I’m going to drink.
(12:32 – 12:36)
It’s the same thing I’ve done my whole life. I just acted as if. And he said, well, I’m
drinking slow gin and coke.
(12:37 – 12:45)
And I said, well, that’s what I’ll have. And he handed me a big old glass of slow gin and
coke. And I went over on the couch and sat down and started pulling on the thing.
(12:47 – 13:26)
And little did I know what was about to happen in my life, you know, that my life was
about ready to change and I was getting ready to go down a road that I had no idea
where that would take me. But it did everything we talked about, you know, that first
drink, you know, went through my body and it brought to life a new part of me that I
never knew existed, you know, it just changed my life. It was the greatest physical and
mental release I’d ever had in my life up to that point ever.
And I sold my soul out to it the first time I ever took a drink. Of course, I didn’t become
an everyday drinker or any of that. But I mean, that feeling, that effect that grabbed me
was I was sold on that and I’d give my life for that.
(13:26 – 13:48)
I mean, that was the truth. And and everything about me from that day forward
changed, you know, when I look back at it, everything about the people I ran around
with, the things that I did, things that I said, little by little, my character started to decay,
started to erode. I started to cuss.
I started to swear. I started to smoke cigarettes. I started to try to look cool because I
didn’t look cool prior to that.
(13:48 – 13:55)
And I started to look cool. I started to grow my hair long. I was into Kiss for anything, Kiss
Rockers in here back then.
(13:55 – 14:11)
I was into Kiss and used to used to dress up like those guys all the time. And I had
posters in my trailer room, you know, these Kiss posters. I decided one day a good idea
would be to take a thumbtack on one of those posters and shove it through my ear and
put a big earring in my ear.
(14:11 – 14:22)
And that was like the curse of death to do that back in those days. You know, today, I
mean, you can just walk, you just walk through the hardware aisle, fall down in the nuts
and bolts section, get up with screws in your face. And it’s, hey, that looks good, man.
(14:23 – 14:33)
Get it on. But back then, just a one little piece of metal in your face and you were bad
news. But but I stuck this thumbtack in my ear and I started to grow my hair long.
(14:34 – 14:51)
I had these big old ears and this gap tooth and this long hair. And I made this headband
out of leather belt and I put it on my ears would stick out like that. And there’s not a lot
of pictures of that, but I look like what I look like is like a real freaked out Howdy Doody
is what I look like.
(14:51 – 15:05)
And if you just look, if you can picture Howdy Doody with long hair and a headband on,
that’s what I look like. I was just a goofball, but I was just trying to be cool, you know,
and that’s all it was. I was just trying to fit in and put on the armor.
(15:05 – 15:30)
And that’s all it was, was armor to put to fit in with the environment. You know, that’s the
only reason I had the big bell bottom pants, you know, back then the elephant bells with
the big brown hiking boots with the red shoestrings in them, you know, and I had a
leather jacket with the arms tore off and the peace sign and the USA patch and all that
was cool. I mean, that’s and that’s what you had to be if you were going to do this thing,
you know, in the world.
(15:30 – 15:37)
And but, you know, I look back at my life. I just I just really it was just a one day sale. The
dark side came and said, this is what we had to offer.
(15:37 – 15:45)
And I said, I’m in. I joined here to take everything I got. I’m all part of it because that’s
the fact that alcohol had on my life.
(15:45 – 16:27)
You know, just that one drink. I don’t know about you, but that that was it. A lot of people
talk about they drank and then one day they crossed over this imaginary line.
And, you know, I don’t know if there was ever a line. I must cross it the first time I drank.
I don’t know.
But I know I liked alcohol and I and I’m here to tell you, I had a lot of good times drinking.
You know, I’m not one of these guys can tell you and just give you this sad story about
alcohol because I loved alcohol. I loved it.
I love everything it did to me. I love to drink, bottom line, loved it, just absolutely loved
it. And and if it wasn’t the devil’s pit, if I wouldn’t have ended up there and by the grace
of God, I wouldn’t be standing here today, you know, because I love to drink, you know,
and that was obvious.
(16:28 – 16:57)
But but the problem I had as a young man like that, trying to grow up, no real parental
vision around my mom was gone all the time, just basically did whatever Harold wanted
to do. You know, we didn’t have any money and I’m not exaggerating that. And I never
really felt like I was a poor kid because I never really, you know, had anything else to
judge it to.
I mean, I always felt like I had what I needed. But I’ll tell you this. My mom saved all
summer and she’ll tell you the story that she saved all summer just extra pennies to buy
me this brand new bike, a huffy bicycle.
(16:58 – 17:13)
I’ll never forget the day she brought it home and we put this bike together and I was so
excited. I got it at like five o’clock or five thirty on a Friday night and I got this bike and
she was so happy that she had worked to get it for me. And I said, well, can I go spend
the night? My buddy Kenny’s up the street.
(17:13 – 17:24)
She says, yeah, and I went up, rode up to his house, parked the bike up next morning,
was gone. Somebody stole that bike and never saw it again. And and I got a real sense
of what loss was.
(17:25 – 17:46)
And but it was from that point forward that I became a real taker, you know, that that
something about that event changed me and it might have already been there. But that
definitely ignited a fireman because I started to steal, you know, and I developed a
willingness to take things that I never really ever thought about doing before. And from
shoplifting, I was laughing today.
(17:46 – 17:59)
I was reading in the paper, our local paper in town, and somebody is trying to collect
wacky packages from back in the 70s and 80s. You know, remember the most stupid,
wacky packages and the they put a twist on commercials and then have a piece of
bubble gum. I used to steal those things.
(17:59 – 18:30)
I just got a big laugh out of seeing that today. But, you know, those are things I started
to do. And then eventually, when you started drinking and wanted to get into that
environment, you need a little more.
And we ended up breaking into the manager of the oldest trailer court where my mom
lived and stole a bunch of money and got caught, you know, and, you know, obviously
humiliated my mom and put her in a bad situation. But it didn’t stop there. I continued
on and I ended up getting in a lot of trouble and basically turned over to the juvenile
authorities and sent to Boys Town for a while.
(18:31 – 18:56)
And that was my first real introduction. That was about the age of 11, 11 and a half. And
that was my first real introduction to any kind of counseling, any kind of therapy, any
kind of somebody just sitting down and saying, man, you know, you need to take a look
at your life.
You know, you got a real problem. But I’ll tell you how much, you know, I talked about
me in that hundred forms of fear and self-pity. This is a great example how that how that
affected my life, because when I was on my way to that place, this is what’s going on my
place.
(18:57 – 19:02)
This is what’s going on my mind. My mind’s not going, man, you’re such a schmo. You
really endangered your mom.
(19:02 – 19:24)
You put your mom in a bad situation. None of that stuff was going on. All I could think
about was is how I’m going to make it in this place I’m going to and how I’m going to be
cool.
And the boys started talking to me and the boys, you know, they were almost
personified, like they were just sitting around talking to me. And it was like, you know
what, you can’t go to this kind of place for boys with the name Harold. You know, Harold
is not a cool name.
(19:24 – 19:51)
You know, they’re going to make fun of you and you can’t do that. And then, of course,
the mind thought was, well, I’ll use my middle name when they just started laughing and
so you can’t use your middle name because my middle name is Eugene. And the last
name is the only part of my name I ever got any mileage out of long.
You know, that’s the only part of my name that ever got any could ever really hanging a
hat on anything. But but if you take the initials of my name, it spells hell. And that’s
really what it was like living with that name.
(19:51 – 19:57)
It was just hell. I mean, it really was. It was just being Harold Eugene and trying to be
cool.
(19:59 – 20:07)
It’s like, you know, going down on the town square and all your buddies with a purple
dress on or something. I mean, that’s what it felt like. You know, it’s just you can’t do
that.
(20:08 – 20:26)
And so I changed my name to Jeff in that car. I mean, I became Jeffrey Allen Long when I
went into that place and I stayed that until I came down home. And that’s the truth, you
know, and that’s that’s how much self centered fear drove my life and sold my soul out
for that.
(20:26 – 20:36)
And that’s the way I was. I mean, I just chameleon, you know, whatever I had to do to
what I thought was going to serve me best. It was so much to to satisfy your needs.
(20:36 – 20:44)
It was all about me. You know, it was to satisfy this disturbance that was going on me.
And that’s what I once that was satisfied that it was OK.
(20:45 – 20:52)
And and I ran with that. But that’s that’s how much that’s what was driving my life. And
when I drink, that didn’t seem to have as big effect on me.
(20:53 – 20:57)
And that’s what I loved about drinking. You know, I loved it. I could never stop thinking
about it.
(20:58 – 21:15)
I could never stop about thinking it wasn’t just the drink and it was everything that went
along with drinking everything, just the atmosphere, the conversation, just the level of
enthusiasm and excitement that went up when we just even started talking about going
to drink. You know, I could get excited just about that. You know, that was intoxicating in
itself.
(21:15 – 21:30)
The whole thing was intoxicating and I loved it. It was a lifestyle that I never
experienced. And when I got into that place, you know, I had these people sit me down
going, you know, and they call me, Jeff, you know, Jeff, you need to do these different
things in your life and you need to do this.
(21:30 – 21:37)
You need to do that. You know, I didn’t want any part of that stuff, you know. And by that
time, that old screw you attitude really started to form in my head.
(21:37 – 21:41)
You know, it was just really tight. And I was just like, screw you. You know, I don’t want
to hear anything you got to say.
(21:42 – 21:58)
I want to do any of that stuff. And it was already I was not the problem, you know, that
already set in, you know, and I just had a list of why I wasn’t the problem. But, you know,
the thing about alcohol and this and I learned this in Alcoholics Anonymous through
people like yourself and they’re doing inventories, man.
(21:58 – 22:11)
But when I look at it, man, it was so true. And that is the fact that alcoholics, we judge
ourselves by our intentions and we judge everybody else in our life by their actions. And
I’ve done it my whole life, you know, I’ve done it my whole life.
(22:11 – 22:22)
And I’m sitting there. I always had the best intentions, you know, I was sitting there sold
on this is what I’m going to do when I get out of this place. And it was usually fairly good
intentions.
(22:22 – 22:33)
You know, I’m going to do this and I’ll do that. And but the problem was that I could
never take an honest look at the actions that followed that up. You know, I tried to
survive on just the attentions alone, but I would be sure to judge you by your actions.
(22:34 – 22:59)
And the sad part about that is that temptation still runs in me today. I still can be sold on
just the good ideas that I got in my head and not really want to take inventory of what
I’m really doing. You know, and of course, I’m real quick to point out to my wife and to
my kids, to my co-workers, to my employees, you know, it’s easy to want to say, well,
look at what you’re doing, you know, you know, but to do that to oneself is it’s hard to
do.
(22:59 – 23:29)
And that’s why we need sponsorship, you know, still today. But, you know, I got out of
that place and I just went right back to what I know, went right back to what I did and
ended up in another place, Booneville Correctional Center, actual penitentiary just that
and even in places about this size, actually, and Booneville Correctional Center, you
know, and in that place, you know, it’s just it was the same deal trying to be cool, trying
to be slick. And, you know, the guys are putting tattoos on her skin.
(23:29 – 23:41)
And I had this girl. Her name was Lisa, not my Lisa at this time, but another Lisa. I don’t
think I ever kissed this girl, but Lord knows I had to be cool enough that I’m going to put
this tattoo on my arm just to satisfy these guys.
(23:41 – 23:56)
And we’re melting these styrofoam cups down, little Popeye pins and taking thread out
of her jeans and wrap around a little straight pin and stick it in her arm and making a
stupid tattoo. I’m lucky I even spelled it right. You know, the small eye, the eye is not
even dotted correctly.
(23:57 – 24:02)
And it’s still there today. I never got rid of that tattoo. It was 50, 60 bucks.
(24:02 – 24:16)
I figured I’d just find a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous that I love a lot named Lisa. And
that’s and it saved myself that pain and agony and 50 bucks. But, you know, that’s what
went on.
(24:16 – 24:28)
I got on that place and that was my life, guys. I mean, that was the mindset. I’d come
out.
I got new intentions, new ideas. By that time, my mom moved to a little town up north
called Kirksville, Missouri. And we already referenced that.
(24:29 – 24:36)
And my mom moved because of probably some of the worst guilt that anybody could
ever go through. And that’s parental guilt. You know, that’s parental guilt.
(24:36 – 24:48)
She already had all the guilt and shame with her first three kids. And now I’m going
down this road and she’s taking that on, or at least a big part of it, that she’s responsible
for that. And I didn’t know that’s what was going on.
(24:48 – 25:01)
But I got to this town and, of course, the same fear went through my life. What am I
going to do? How am I going to fit in? But by that time, you know, I’d already you know, I
talked about that, that, you know, getting discouraged and wanting to quit. I had already
quit school.
(25:01 – 25:06)
Physically, I was still going to school. But I guarantee you, by the age of 13, I was done
with school. I was done with school.
(25:07 – 25:27)
And by the time I was 15, I never went back to school. You know, I was it. Didn’t want
anything to do.
All I wanted to do in my life, my goals were I just want to drink. I want to have my own
job, get my own paycheck and my own cigarettes and everybody just leaving the hell
alone. And that was it.
That was my plan for life. That was my goal for life. And I didn’t think it was too much to
ask.
(25:27 – 25:40)
And a lot of people seem to disagree with my my my plan for life and argue with that.
But the bottom line is, you know, that that’s where my life was. And by the time I drank
more and more and.
(25:41 – 26:11)
And what had happened is I played music most of my life, I played drums and that’s how
I made a living. The big part of my time is how I made money was playing drums and
band. And I had a seizure on a town square and I woke up with drumsticks, shoved my
mouth and paramedics over me.
And, you know, the lead singer said, what are you doing, Jeff, trying to steal the show?
And I didn’t even know what happened. You know, I didn’t even know that I rejected to
go to the hospital. And and what had happened just prior to that, two weeks prior to
having that situation happen in my life, I was arrested for another conviction.
(26:12 – 26:23)
And and I was on a you know, I still had part of the sentence left in Booneville
Correctional Center. And my parole officer, Lynn, at the time said, you know, here’s your
options. This is a 1979 going into 80.
(26:24 – 26:46)
She says, you can do one or two things in your life. And this is a turning point. And that’s
the that’s the problem with turning points in my life is I always seem to turn the wrong
way, you know, and I ran across many turning points.
But here was another turning point. And she says, you can either go back to Booneville
Correctional Center and finish the rest of this time, or you can go into this treatment
center to carry it. And I said, I’ll go into the carrier for 30 days.
(26:46 – 27:02)
You know, I quit school, but I wasn’t didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out two and a
half years versus 30 days. What was the best move? So I went to this treatment center
and no desire to stop doing anything other than get this lady off my back. And I did the
dog opponent show, went to the treatment center, did all my stuff, got a shiny little coin,
a little pat on the back.
(27:02 – 27:06)
You’re going to do great. Go get him, Tiger. And I was drunk 15 minutes after I got out of
there.
(27:07 – 27:25)
And I probably went to one of the best parties that night when I got out and had the time
of my life, you know, and had no desire to stop drinking. But I had that seizure and
ended up, my mom said, you need to go to the hospital because you could have a tumor,
you could have epilepsy. And I knew what was going on because I was just a get high
freak.
(27:25 – 27:35)
You know, I was a get high freak. I’d like to drink, but I’d do about whatever else you’d
have to, you know, I’m sure I took birth control more than once in my life. I guarantee, I
guarantee I did because I never asked what it was.
(27:35 – 27:49)
She said, yeah, here, OK, yeah, I’ll do some of those, you know. And so here I was, you
know, and I went to I went into this thing. And it was funny because in a small town like
this, there’s not 500 different treatment centers, one treatment center.
(27:49 – 28:00)
It’s on the same hospital where you go get a broken arm or a head stitched up. And I just
got out of the treatment center two days, two weeks before that. And this counselor
came up named Laverne, who just treated me two weeks before that.
(28:00 – 28:12)
And he said he sat on my bed and my mom sitting right there. And he said, Harold, are
you willing to do anything different than what you’re doing? You know, and I just for
whatever reason was as honest with that guy as I could be. I said, no, I’m not.
(28:12 – 28:19)
You know, I don’t want anything to do with you guys. I just want to be left to hell alone.
And he shut the book and said, well, we wish you the best of luck.
(28:19 – 28:23)
Good luck. See you. And my mom was sitting there with tears in her eyes.
(28:23 – 28:29)
And I’ll never forget it. It was it just tore my heart apart watching her. I mean, I watched
my mom like that many times, but.
(28:31 – 28:52)
She said, you know what, you got two choices when you walk out of this hospital, you
can either go back to school and get your life back together, you can get the hell out of
this house, you can leave and be an NFL Marlboro letter on letter guy was, I said before I
even thought about it, you know, you know, I don’t need you or anything you got to offer
me either. You know, the hell with you, you know. And the other part of me was just
dying inside like my mom’s dish.
(28:52 – 28:58)
You don’t love me anymore. I mean, that’s going on at the same time. You know, it’s it’s
this constant battle inside.
(28:58 – 29:07)
Of course, I just want to run and get something to drink, make it all go away. I end up
hooking up with this Harley rider that was in town named Scott. And he was going back
to Austin, Texas.
(29:07 – 29:19)
And I said, Scott, can I go with you? He goes, yeah, come on. And I got the pro officer to
sign off on a slip so I could go to Texas. Well, I went to Texas and and I ran the South for
the next four or five years.
(29:19 – 29:24)
And and I just ran. You know, I did what alcoholics do. You know, I could go.
(29:24 – 29:28)
I had the gift. At least I did. I think most alcoholics have it to the employers.
(29:28 – 29:41)
Talks about it. We just had this great gift for good workers. And I could always have the
charisma and the personality to go get a job doing something, you know, when a lot of
money, I could always find a place to live and maintain my lifestyle and drink.
(29:41 – 29:47)
And then when I got discouraged or got troublesome, I just quit and move on to the next
deal. And that’s what I did. I moved from Texas to Georgia.
(29:48 – 30:02)
And when I got to Georgia, I lived on this street in Red Barn Trailer Court with all the
misfits from Kentucky, Tennessee and Georgia on my street. Nobody owned a trailer on
that street. We were all renters.
(30:03 – 30:08)
And when nobody had cars, nobody had driver’s license. There was one or two cars on
the whole street. It was just hilarious.
(30:09 – 30:20)
I lived next door to three guys named Pork Chop, Hollywood and Screwdriver. I had the
horseshoe pits of my yard. So I had the most popular trailer in the place.
(30:21 – 30:32)
And I live with two other drunks. And and it was amazing. I guarantee you in your life, if
you had people named Pork Chop, Hollywood, Screwdriver in your life, your life’s
unmanageable, I guarantee you.
(30:34 – 30:45)
And my life was unmanageable. Well, what happened there in that trailer court sitting
there was it was the first time an event happened. I’ll explain in a minute.
(30:45 – 31:00)
But that was the first time in my life that I ever took the blinders of alcoholism off ever in
my life. And all the experiences I had with AA, because I’ve been to AA. My first AA
meeting outside that correctional facility was in a little town called La Plata, in a little
town like this.
(31:01 – 31:12)
And when I was there carrying it, they put you on these vans and make you go to AA.
You know, I had to go to La Plata, Missouri and go down this basement. And I walked in.
There’s probably seven people there. And there was a lady. Her name’s Millie.
(31:12 – 31:18)
She just passed away in June. The Millie looked like, you know, looked like Mrs. Claus.
You know, you couldn’t help but love her.
(31:18 – 31:24)
I mean, she had white hair, big smile. I mean, she was awesome lady. I didn’t you know,
and I walked in and just immediately sat by Millie.
(31:24 – 31:30)
And she was nice to me. And I just sat there and and come around my turn. I said, my
name is Jeff.
(31:30 – 31:37)
I’m here because Missouri Department of Correction said I had to come here. And I thank
you for letting me be here. But I won’t be here in 30 days.
(31:37 – 31:43)
Basically, you know, I was making that announcement clear. I was not going back to this
place. And Millie, I mean, that God love her.
(31:43 – 31:53)
I mean, it’s just like horns come out of her head and fangs come out of her mouth. A big
tail come out. This woman turned on me and Mrs. Claus got right in my face.
(31:54 – 32:05)
And she just said to me, just keep drinking, you dumb little bastard. It’s all going to
happen to you. And Millie became my first real resentment.
(32:05 – 32:21)
I thought I was and you know, I could really think about Millie was what she looked like
being drugged behind a car the rest of the night. You know, I mean, I just resented her. I
was like, you know, how can you dare you talk to me like that? And but that was my first
introduction to outside to me.
(32:21 – 32:26)
So I’ve been there. But, you know, I had all this stuff about alcoholism. I’ve been through
therapy and all that garbage.
(32:26 – 32:36)
But, you know, I got stabbed one night. You know, I got sliced down the arm and stabbed
my side in the blackout. And and I woke up the next morning and didn’t know what
happened to me.
(32:36 – 32:41)
And I just woke up with a flannel shirt on a ski jacket. I was cut up. I had blood all over
my hands.
(32:41 – 32:54)
And I figured somebody just kicked the hell out of me, because that was typically what
happened. I was one of those kind of guys that I drank too much that everybody wanted
to punch me at least once before the night was over. You know, that was that I was that
kind of guy had that gift.
(32:54 – 33:05)
You know, but the bottom line was, you know, here I’m sitting. I go on this sit down in
front of this trailer and I got this dry blood on my hands and my arm is laid wide open.
And I got my sides laid wide open.
(33:06 – 33:18)
And I’m scared to death, scared to death. I mean, I’m shaking my knees. My teeth were
chattering.
I was so scared. And tears were coming out of my eyes. And it was the first time ever in
my life ever that I could ever remember.
(33:19 – 33:28)
I was never one of these guys that I and I hear men and women both stand up here and
share, you know, many times I thought about quitting drinking. Many times I swore off
day after day. I drank today and I swore out tomorrow.
(33:28 – 33:39)
I was never one of those guys. This is the first time ever in my life that I could ever just
for a moment, take the blindfolders off and lay them down. And any kind of rational
thinking go through my mind.
(33:40 – 33:51)
But what I’m about to describe is why I think most people die from alcoholism is what I’m
about to describe it. And, you know, you get this fancy treatment center word called
denial that floats around, been around for a long time. But you’ll never find that word in
the big book.
(33:52 – 34:04)
You know, it’s not in the big book at all. And it isn’t because I don’t think Bill didn’t know
what the word was, because I just don’t think it properly diagnosis what alcoholism is
really about. You know, the book talks more about the delusional aspects of it.
(34:05 – 34:13)
And that’s what it was. It was delusion. And to me, you know, and then Wilson also puts
a name on it, calls it barleycorn, you know, and personifies it.
(34:13 – 34:21)
And that’s what alcoholism was like to me, sitting on that deck, laying right there. You
know, here I am with dry blood in my hand. My body’s laid wide open.
(34:22 – 34:34)
Nineteen year old punk kid, scared to death, just wishing his mom would pull up and
take him away. And I’m laying there and I’m sitting there with tears in my eyes going, I
got to do something different in my life. I cannot continue to do this.
(34:34 – 34:41)
The first time I’ve ever had any kind of rational thoughts. But at the same time, I’m
having that thought. It’s like John Barleycorn himself has his arm around me, consoling
me.
(34:42 – 34:48)
Well, and you’re right. We do got to do something different and we got to do it quick. But
before we do anything drastic.
(34:49 – 34:59)
And if you’re a drunk, you’re going to relate to this. Let’s just walk up here to the magic
market, get a quart of beer and a pack of smokes and just think this thing out. And that
sounded like the most reassuring thought I had all morning.
(34:59 – 35:11)
And it was the most insane thought that could ever go through my mind. And that, you
know, was not a form of denial, denying that there was a problem. It was just a delusion
that I couldn’t differentiate the true from the false.
(35:12 – 35:25)
And the idea that drinking was going to solve my problem, at least temporarily, was a
good idea. And I went and took that drink. And as soon as I made that lovingly noise that
we all love, you know, I just took a breath of fresh air, took a big hit and started
hitchhiking to the hospital.
(35:26 – 35:37)
You know, and and I never thought about not drinking for a long time after that. And and
that’s why I think most people die from alcoholism. You know, that thought process is
again and again.
(35:37 – 35:48)
It’s amazing. You know, and as a, you know, sober member of AAG and sponsoring guys
over the years and working with drunks, man, you just see that delusion one over, over
and over and over again. And it just it breaks your heart.
(35:48 – 36:00)
At least it does to me. And but I came back to St. Louis because, you know, the thought
was, I got to get out of this place. You know, I got to go somewhere where I don’t know
anybody and start over again.
(36:00 – 36:08)
But the truth was, I wanted to go somewhere where nobody knew who I was. You know,
that that was the truth. And and I got back to St. Louis and my bottom came short and
quick.
(36:08 – 36:15)
I got out. I got here, got back to St. Louis, and I had a real problem with drinking and
driving. I already had three DWIs before I was 17.
(36:16 – 36:33)
You know, I hadn’t drove in several years and got back here and started driving and got
a fourth DWI. And I was with some buddies going over to Illinois one night to a little rock
and roll bar called Granny’s Rocker about three o’clock in the morning, coming home.
And the spotlight hits the car and pulls us over.
(36:33 – 36:36)
And we’re all trying to dump out beers. There’s four of us. I’m in the backseat.
(36:37 – 36:46)
And then the light goes out and it’s just a pickup pickup truck with a couple of
knuckleheads in it. And just having fun. They squeal their tires and holler out the window
at us.
(36:47 – 36:51)
And we end up chasing them. It ends up being a high speed chase down this highway.
They call it road rage today.
(36:52 – 37:08)
And going down this highway and for, you know, long story short, I watched this this
truck with these two guys and it just hit a guardrail and they shot up over the side of the
guy with just like a bottle rocket and went down with a guardrail. Within seconds, it
destroyed the truck, killed everybody inside. I mean, it was horrible.
(37:09 – 37:30)
And I remember that night after getting home and coming in the house, it was the
second time in my life that ever took any real blindfolders off of this disease called
alcoholism ever in my life. And I’m sitting there the same thing, just like I was sitting on
that front porch of that trailer. The same thing that’s going through my mind, man, you
got to do something different.
(37:31 – 37:40)
You can’t go down this road no more. And then the best thought I had was just going to
the refrigerator, get a cold can of beer and pop the top. You know, this is like six in the
morning by this time and sit there and drink.
(37:41 – 37:58)
And I’m going to stuff this as far down and not look back on this ever again. Just forget
about it. And of course, you know, I went on to drink and I end up getting another DWI
and arrested and thrown in Clayton County on a felony DWI charges because I just got to
within a couple of weeks and a parole violation on top of it.
(37:59 – 38:11)
In my life, I’m in a lot of trouble again. You know, I’m 21 years old and I got on my knees
and I probably said the most earnest and sincere prayer ever said in my life. And I got on
my knees.
(38:11 – 38:30)
And this is what that front part where I talked about having some kind of foundation of a
higher power in my life. I believe that’s where to save my life, because I was able to
reach out to God, even though I didn’t understand it and say, God, whatever it takes. You
know, I’m sitting there in a drunk tank in my underwear and his trunk tank.
(38:31 – 38:44)
Just begging for mercy. And I said, whatever it takes, I will do whatever it takes never to
pick up another drink, alcohol for the rest of my life. And from that day to now, I’ve never
had to pick up another drink until this day as I stand here tonight.
(38:45 – 38:57)
And and I believe that was God’s grace in my life. You know, you know, the book talks
about, you know, God is there to all who seek him out. And and I was seeking sincerely
from my heart, you know, asking God to come in my life.
(38:57 – 39:09)
And I would love to tell you, I just rushed right into AA and just got right in the middle of
the boat with you people like some people do. And God bless them for those who do.
But, you know, the sincere desire I could see it in my innermost self.
(39:09 – 39:16)
I took step one that night in that in that jail. So there’s no doubt about it. I can see it in
my innermost self that I’m an alcohol and that my life is messed up.
(39:17 – 39:23)
And and I and I and I knew that I needed to go to AA and my attorney come to visit me. I
said, I need to go to treatment and go. It goes, no joke.
(39:23 – 39:27)
You know, obviously you need to go to treatment. You’re in a lot of trouble. You’re in a
lot of trouble.
(39:27 – 39:55)
So where I knew were and this is back again, the adequate demonstration of alcoholics
knowledge. And I think that’s a responsibility that all of us have. And no matter what
meeting that we’re at, it’s to deliver that adequate presentation of alcoholics knowledge
by sticking our hand out, by giving somebody a hug, by saying, hey, my name’s Harold.
I’m an alcoholic. Welcome to the meeting. Is there anything I can get you? Do you need
to talk? You know, just extending that warm, passionate, loving connection, that delivery
of one alcoholic talking to another.
(39:55 – 40:09)
I need to take that very seriously because it saved my life, because when it came time
for me to get help and I really reached out, I knew where to get help. It was 200 miles
way back in that little corn town where that lady told me to keep on drinking. Well, what
happened? That’s where I knew AA.
(40:10 – 40:23)
You know, there’s lots of AA in St. Louis, but that’s where I went for recovery because
that’s where the seed was planted. And I went back and I and I got checked into
treatment and it took me a couple of weeks to get out of treatment because I had a
problem with them seizures. You know, I had those seizure problems from time to time.
(40:25 – 40:34)
And the wild thing about it always happened to be when I quit drinking and I’d have one
of these seizures, you know. And of course, I had another one when I was in treatment. I
chipped a tooth and had some stitches in my head and had to deal with that.
(40:34 – 40:45)
But eventually I got out of that detox war and was able to go to AA. And I remember the
first night I was in there, this little knock on the door, comes to the door and this little
greasy haired guy comes in. He’s about five foot six or seven.
(40:46 – 40:57)
Older guy with a Kansas City Chiefs hat on, which I hate the Chiefs. God bless you,
Kansas City fans. But he had a, you know, mechanic grease all over to build this hat.
(40:57 – 41:04)
You know, he just looked like hell. And he walks in and he says, Hey, my name’s Gary.
I’m a volunteer here and I take people to AA meetings.
(41:04 – 41:15)
You want to go to AA? And as nice as I could tell the guy, I said, I really don’t want to go
out. I’ll be honest with you, but I appreciate it. And he left the room and then and then
he opened the door back up.
(41:16 – 41:23)
And this is a life changing moment because he opened the door back up. He says, Do me
one favor. And I said, What’s that? He says, Try real hard.
(41:23 – 41:34)
Reach down real hard and try to smile and get it over with. And he walked out of the
room. And if you could just picture this guy, as soon as he shut the door, I was angry at
him at the same time.
(41:34 – 41:43)
I got me to chuckle a little bit. I got to laugh at him. And in the book talks about, you
know, we had the ability to win the conference of an alcoholic in just a few hours when
no one else can do it.
(41:43 – 41:50)
And this is what this guy was doing. I didn’t want anything to do with the counselors or
the nurses or anybody else. But this guy, for whatever reason, won my car.
(41:50 – 42:00)
I didn’t even know that’s what was happening. I just know I got all of a sudden this
willingness to say, All right, I’ll go to the meeting with you. Came out of me.
I walked out and I said, All right. Hey, I’ll go to that meeting with you. He said, Good,
because you’re the only one going.
(42:01 – 42:06)
And I said, OK, let’s go. And we go down this elevator. We walk out to this great parking
lot and we’re walking across.
(42:07 – 42:21)
And I can see this car, you know, sitting on the horizon of the parking lot. And I said,
man, I just hope it’s not that car we’re getting in because of the 1970 P. Green Plymouth
Duster. And it was it was P. Green is the greenest coffee can sitting over on that table
there.
(42:22 – 42:27)
And it looked like hell. We could pass the basket tonight and pay for that car. I guarantee
it.
(42:28 – 42:40)
And we get in this car, start up no exhaust. And you can look through the floorboard and
see the asphalt, you know, and there’s dust everywhere. There’s there’s and this is a
great in small towns.
(42:40 – 42:44)
We used to do this all the time. Sure, they did it in Haytide. But we didn’t have car
speakers.
(42:44 – 42:49)
We just took the speakers out of the house and put them in the backseat. And then the
wires, we all do that. Well, that’s what we did.
(42:49 – 42:55)
You know, and that’s what he did. He had these big old house speakers in the back of
this car. And off we go to the meeting.
(42:55 – 43:04)
Oh, it’s all coming through. And he’s just he’s just so excited about being in a he’s only
been sober four months. You know, he’s just tickled death about sobriety.
(43:04 – 43:08)
And he’s telling me he just went to the same treatment center. I just got out of. And he’s
so excited.
(43:08 – 43:22)
And he’s telling me how wonderful it is, how much it did to his life. And I’m looking at him
and looking at this car. And I’m like, I really hate to be the guy to break it to you, but it
pretty much looks like your life sucks to me.
(43:22 – 43:32)
I mean, big time sucks, you know, really don’t want anything you got at all. But thanks
for the ride. But that started a relationship that’s never stopped that day to now.
(43:32 – 43:39)
That’s how I met Randy. And Randy and I were just with Gary a few weeks ago back up in
Kirksville. And Gary ain’t changed at all.
(43:40 – 43:46)
You know, amazingly not. He really he stayed sober, but he doesn’t really seem like he’s
changed much. You know, he’s just Gary.
(43:46 – 43:52)
And I love him to death. He saved my life. And, you know, he was the angel that God put
in my life.
(43:52 – 44:00)
And when we when Lisa and I got married a few years later, he was the best man in my
wedding, that old dude. And I love him to death still today. I call him every year on his
birthday.
(44:01 – 44:07)
He tells me what a moron I am and how worthless I am and hangs up the phone. You
know, that’s just his that’s just the way we do things. We have a lot of fun.
(44:07 – 44:15)
But that’s that was my introduction. And I came to a guy’s 21 year old beat up punk kid.
That’s what I came.
(44:15 – 44:25)
I came in alcoholics and I was with a rotten attitude, the same attitude I had my whole
life. And that was I was going to do things the way I always wanted to do it. You know,
and I didn’t want sponsorship.
(44:25 – 44:36)
I didn’t want traditions or hear how it works or any of that garbage. I came today and I
knew and I still conceded I was an alcoholic. And I knew that that left alone and I could
not not drink on my own resources.
(44:37 – 44:44)
But I got here and and I just ran around. And, you know, I really did. I like the social
events.
(44:44 – 44:51)
I love things like this where you can sit in the back and dash out. I said it was over with
or chase a girls around the room. Stay for the dance.
(44:52 – 45:02)
You know, and and I love conventions. I love those type of things. But when it really
came down to what the gentleman read tonight from Springfield, the 12 steps, which is
the program of recovery.
(45:03 – 45:08)
I didn’t want nothing to do it. Bottom line. And if the proof was in the pudding, because I
wasn’t doing it.
(45:08 – 45:28)
And I did that. You know, I had my first year sobriety and had a big blowout party for
myself, you know, and because nobody else wanted to have a party for me. I was
laughing at how he was talking about old timers back in St. Louis.
And he said, Bill Hall. And I said, I remember Bill Hall, because the day I had one year, I
was at Hampton facility, which is a facility in St. Louis. And I come out.
(45:28 – 45:35)
I said Bill was sitting out drinking. I said, Bill, because what are you so bright about
today? I said, man, I got a year’s sobriety today. And he says, big deal.
(45:36 – 45:43)
I’ll never forget it. I said, big deal. He goes, yeah, because you’ve been living the life,
supposedly the way you’re supposed to for 365 days.
(45:43 – 46:05)
And you won a medal, a pin and an award and probably your name and now no news. I
said, how do you know all that? But but so I had this big party and I made all these flyers
for Harold’s Bash, you know, and I had three bands, my band and a couple other bands
and all you could eat barbecue seven bucks. And I took all these flyers down to our
central office, Harold’s Bash.
(46:05 – 46:21)
And the guy at the central office, the guy ran the office said, man, that is the most
grandiose thing I’ve ever seen. And I said, really? I said, I said, well, I take my name off
it, you know. So we had this big party, but that’s how much I had to feel special.
(46:21 – 46:27)
I mean, it really was. That’s how much I had to be out there because nothing had really
changed. I had a year of sobriety, but nothing changed.
(46:28 – 46:37)
You know, physically, I was better, maybe a little bit mentally. But for the most part, I
was worse off than I was when I got there. Character wise, which is the root of my
problem.
(46:37 – 46:47)
And I didn’t know that when I got here and I continue that path. And I continue that path.
I chased girls, worked in dead end jobs, had no education, didn’t have a job.
(46:48 – 46:58)
And I ended up getting hooked up with this girl from Al-Anon. And she was a nice gal,
pretty gal. And she was four years in Al-Anon, decided to come to A, and we started
dating around, doing our thing, and she ended up pregnant.
(47:00 – 47:22)
And about the same time she ended up pregnant is about the same time in my life that I
started having a life changing thing going on in my life. There was a point in my life
where I was at that six and seven step stage where I was in the third step stage, you
know, decision time, because my life really inside was I was miserable being who I was. I
knew to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic.
(47:23 – 47:30)
But at the same time, you know, I hated being sober. I didn’t want to kill myself. My dad
did that.
(47:30 – 47:38)
My dad, you know, suffered from alcoholism to the point he stuck a shotgun in the mouth
and took his life. That’s one way to get a dry date. That’s the way my dad got his.
(47:39 – 47:51)
And that was never a temptation of mine. Some people for it is it is never one of mine,
but I just hated being sober. But the same time this is going on, you know, I had this
bottom in life and and I reached out for sponsorship.
(47:51 – 48:00)
And, you know, I’ve been told 1000 times, you know, read the big book, get a sponsor,
work the steps. I heard that message every meeting I went to. And I knew and I knew
what happened.
(48:00 – 48:09)
See, the reason I didn’t want to do it, bottom line is it was a threat to the way I live my
life. You know, I didn’t want it. I wanted not to drink, but I want to continue to live life on
the terms that I want to live it on.
(48:10 – 48:18)
And and that was spiritual disobedience all the way. I can guarantee, you know, and it
was proof was in the pudding. And that’s why I hated the steps.
(48:18 – 48:24)
And that’s why I hated the big book, because it was a threat to the way I live my life. And
I didn’t really want to change that bad. I really did.
(48:25 – 48:37)
And and I finally asked this guy to sponsor me. And I went over to his house and his
name was Roy. He lives in Poplar Bluff now.
Roy P. And I said, Roy, I need a sponsor. And you’re it. I’m asking you my sponsor.
(48:37 – 48:43)
And I said, what do I got to do? He says, well, you’ve been sober two and a half years.
Excuse me. Tell me about your life.
(48:43 – 48:47)
I said, I’ll tell you about my life, man. I’m going to tell you about my life. I said, I’m 25
years old.
(48:47 – 48:51)
I got a criminal record. I don’t have any education. I don’t even have a GED.
(48:52 – 48:57)
And I got a deadbeat job. I got a piece of crap car sitting out there. I just got I just got my
driver’s license back.
(48:57 – 49:06)
And by the way, I had a 1970 Peake Green Maverick. That was the first car I had held
together by a bumper stickers. You know, I wanted to held that car together.
(49:06 – 49:13)
And you can look at my car and tell my life was totally unmanageable. I mean, because
once I would say, live and let live. First things first.
(49:13 – 49:20)
The other side would say, you don’t like the way I drive. Stay off the sidewalk. You know,
total contrast to each other.
(49:20 – 49:28)
Just two different personalities going on in this car. But that’s where my life was. And I
and I just laid it out there pretty much in a rage of anger.
(49:28 – 49:35)
I mean, I said, this is where my life was. And this guy told me something. Ladies and
gentlemen, I tell you, that changed my life forever.
(49:35 – 49:43)
It changed my life forever. For whatever reason, that day I was able to hear. And he said,
Harold, I’m going to tell you, you listen to me, lay all this stuff out there.
(49:43 – 49:59)
And I mean, I had a blame list and excuse list why my life was messed up. A whole list of
stuff, you know, because my dad was a drunk. A lot because my mom was messed up
because of correctional institutions, because of the preachers, because of the lectures,
the teachers, the sermons, the list goes on and on of all the reasons why my life was
messed up.
(49:59 – 50:18)
And he said, Harold, I’m going to tell you this one thing, and I hope you can hear what
I’m saying, because if you can, it’s the first day of the rest of your life. But if you can’t,
you’re going to continue around this journey to eventually you’re going to stick a gun in
your mouth like your dad did, or you’re going to drink yourself to death. And I said, I
hope you can hear me.
(50:18 – 50:33)
And I said, what is it, Roy? He said, everything you have in your life, young man, you
have attracted to you by the person that you become. Everything you have in your life,
you are because of who you become. And the day you’re man enough to own that, it’s
the day you’re on your day to some real change.
(50:33 – 50:53)
But until you can own that, you’re going to be on this blameless, this victimless, this
excuseless until you go insane or you die. So the choice is yours. But that’s where we’re
at.
We’re at decision time with you. You know, are you going to grow or are you going to go?
And I said, well, I want to grow. And he said, well, then this is what we’re going to do.
(50:53 – 50:57)
We’re going to work the steps. But see, the steps seem impossible to me. I mean, they
look great on the wall.
(50:58 – 51:07)
But when I really think about applying those in my life and it just seemed like a colossal
waste of time. It really did. You know, I hear other people share how it changed my life,
but it’s like it seemed impossible.
(51:08 – 51:15)
And I’ll tell you why. Because there are several lies and alcoholism grabs into us. And I
call them the five big lies.
(51:15 – 51:20)
And the first lie kills most of us. And that’s the fact that I’m not an alcoholic at all. And I
don’t even have the disease.
(51:20 – 51:29)
That lie right there does. The biggest majority of them right there. The second lie is,
yeah, I know I got a problem, but I’m not really to blame for it.
(51:29 – 51:35)
You know, it’s you. It’s it’s her. It’s mom.
It’s Paul. And it wasn’t for all that crap. I wouldn’t be sitting in this position.
(51:35 – 51:41)
I mean, that’s that’s the next big lie. But the third big lie. The third big lie is the one
where I was there.
(51:41 – 51:45)
I’ve been already through those two. But the third big lie. And I do a lot of meetings in
the correctional centers.
(51:45 – 51:53)
That’s where the bulk of my 12 step work I do. And I deal with these guys, these fellow
inmates all the time. And their lights are out for a while.
(51:53 – 52:14)
I mean, it’s like shark eyes looking in shark eyes and the hopelessness there. But the
mindset is, is, yeah, I know I’m the problem, but I’m so far messed up that there’s little
hope that I could ever change it. Also, what the hell is the use anyway? And I quit.
I’m not even going to start. It’s just too big a job for this cat to take on. And see, that’s
the mindset that it’s so self-centered.
(52:14 – 52:21)
And I’m the guy that’s got to go do all this stuff. And that’s the part I couldn’t see. It was
like I had to take this load on and I could not see that.
(52:21 – 52:30)
And that’s where he broke the steps down and say, no, that’s not what it’s about. And
about you doing anything, just taking the simple actions we’re going to lay out for you.
The bottom line is, is God could and would if he were soft.
(52:31 – 52:42)
You know, the steps are going to help you build a relationship with God and God will take
care of the rest. You know, the question is, are you willing to take that journey? And and
I said, yeah, you know, he won my confidence. He gave me a little hope.
(52:42 – 52:47)
And I started that journey and it tasted so good. I never want to stop to that day. So
that’s why I stand here tonight.
(52:48 – 52:52)
It changed my life. Everything about that day changed my life. It set the ground running.
(52:53 – 53:01)
And and that was an adequate demonstration of alcoholics. And I’ve had that from that
day till I stand here tonight talking to you. And my life changed.
(53:01 – 53:11)
And little by little, you know, hope started to fill back into my life. I started to believe
that, yeah, I can do this thing. That life can take on a whole new meaning and a whole
new outlook and things can happen.
(53:11 – 53:24)
And I started that process and, you know, and I ended up going to court over that kid.
And by that time that that happened, which is two and a half years later, probably or
whatever, it was down the road. By that time, I met Lisa.
(53:24 – 53:34)
And at that time, Lisa was coming in my life about right after I started really taking a
serious step in there. And she was I met her at Hampton facility. Great little a club in St.
Louis.
(53:34 – 53:42)
And Lisa told a few kids about her sobriety date. Actually, she was in the halfway house
for women. You know, I didn’t know that at first.
(53:43 – 53:55)
She’d come there dressed up and looking pretty as she does tonight. And she was in the
Harris House, which is a halfway house in St. Louis still is today for men and women. I
thought she said it’s Harold’s house for women, you know, and you just go out and take
your pick.
(53:55 – 54:01)
But I didn’t heard wrong. But that’s how I met Lisa. And really, honestly, I’m just laying
out here.
(54:01 – 54:08)
The truth. The truth is, if you take how we got together and how it worked out, it
probably goes against everything that you hear in Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, it
really does.
(54:09 – 54:14)
And by the grace of God, we’re sitting here tonight. And it’s only by the grace of God that
we’re here tonight. But we fell in love.
(54:15 – 54:22)
We got married and we’re here tonight. And and that’s, you know, the beauty of
Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, it’s it’s brought us a long way.
(54:22 – 54:32)
I had to go to court with that kid. And that was the hardest day of my life, because I’m
really going to defend myself against this whole thing. And because of this, this gal didn’t
want me to be any part of it.
(54:33 – 54:38)
She wanted no part of a no part of it. And I just wanted out of it. Just wanted to take the
money and run, you know.
(54:39 – 54:45)
And I was fighting that. And and I had to get up and Lisa confessed to it. And I sit up
there on that thing.
(54:45 – 54:54)
And that prosecutor, he tore my life to pieces. You know, he demoralized me. And the
truth was, he was right, you know, for a small part of my life.
(54:54 – 55:10)
I mean, we’re talking months, maybe a year. The first time like that, I was ever really
doing anything productively as an active citizen in this life, getting a real job, you know,
being supporting to my wife, you know, having some stability in my life for the first time.
But prior to that, there was none.
(55:11 – 55:21)
And he just laid it out there in front of this court and tore it down. And that judge hit that
thing and said, We think it’s in the best interest of this child that you not be a part of her
life for the most part. And that’s in the case.
(55:22 – 55:29)
Court dismissed. And and I went home and cried in Lisa’s arms for hours upon hours. It
was the most crushing day in my life.
(55:29 – 55:37)
And I love to tell you all since then, you know, this child’s come back in my life that’s
been 15 years ago. And it’s not the case. It hasn’t been God’s will as of yet.
(55:38 – 55:49)
But on the same token, we’ve been blessed with two wonderful daughters of our own
who are Danielle and Sarah, who are 12 and eight. And they’re awesome kids. And
they’ve grown up in Alcoholics Anonymous.
(55:49 – 55:54)
And we have a great house. We haven’t. We have great kids, you know.
(55:54 – 56:03)
I mean, we just have awesome kids, you know, and it’s due to people being raised like
people like you and like Hannah and Michael, friends of Stanford and Robin, their
Children’s Center night. Awesome kids. Love them to death.
(56:04 – 56:09)
And they’re raised in a fellowship. I mean, they’ve been born and raised in a fellowship of
this program. And it’s trickling their life.
(56:09 – 56:17)
It doesn’t mean they’re not going to be tempted along the way, you know. And I know I
can’t save my kids from that. But but Alcoholics Anonymous has given us that gift in our
life.
(56:17 – 56:39)
And we’re truly grateful for it, truly grateful for it. I want to wrap up. And by just telling a
quick story about a couple of minutes, because those are the real things that changed
my life and recovery was, you know, going through the inventory and look at myself,
honestly, for the first time and sharing that with another human being, you know, set the
ground, set the stage for me to have the events that took place in my life.
(56:40 – 56:53)
But when I had to go back and start making amends, that’s what really changed my life.
You know, my my sponsor had me put them on three by five index cards and write out
who I hurt, what harm was done on the back. I wrote out the actual men’s and I started
and I did that for most of my men’s.
(56:53 – 57:01)
But I kept them on my desk and still got a few on my desk today. And because the
reason I keep my desk is because it pulls on me. I see him every day.
(57:01 – 57:07)
I’m always reminded that there’s still work to be done. And I had this guy on there, my
Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was my dad’s brother.
(57:07 – 57:13)
I never seen Uncle Bob, maybe one time in my whole life. And I think it was five. And
that was it.
(57:13 – 57:19)
Other than that, I never I never could never tell you anything about him. He was on my
list. And the reason he’s on the list, I never did any direct harm to Uncle Bob.
(57:20 – 57:28)
But the reality was I never took time to participate in his life. You know, I never took time
to call him or anything my whole life. You know, I’m 37 years old at this time.
(57:29 – 57:32)
And he’s on my list. And one day I just got the one. This is around the holidays.
(57:32 – 57:39)
And this is about five years ago. I just out of blue got on the Internet, looked up Uncle
Bob, thought it was him. Wasn’t for sure.
(57:39 – 57:52)
Wrote him a Christmas card, gave him a little brief bio, sent it to him. A week later, he
sent me a card back and then a phone call came. And my Aunt Betty called his wife and I
and I told him I’d added some unfinished business.
(57:52 – 58:02)
I need to take care of with him. And I asked him if I could come and take care of it. And
they said, yes, why don’t you come to our house on this day in a little town, Buffalo,
Missouri, outside of Springfield for the Springfield boys.
(58:02 – 58:15)
And I went to Buffalo and like any amends I ever made, I mean, I was scared to death,
although intuitively I know it’s going to work out better than anything I could have
planned. You know, the book’s clear on that. Ninety percent of the time, nine times out
of ten, the unexpected happens.
(58:16 – 58:24)
And I knew ultimately it was going to work out, but I’m still scared to death. I get to this
little town, I pull up. My Aunt Betty comes out and says, well, he looks like a long.
(58:24 – 58:31)
You know, that was reassuring. I knew I had the right house. And I get out and my Uncle
Bob meets me at the door, says, hi, young man, welcome.
(58:32 – 58:40)
And I walk in and then I tell you, if anybody ever seen the Antoine Fisher movie, that’s
what it was like. And if you’ve never seen that movie, you’ve got to go run. It’s an
awesome movie.
(58:41 – 59:08)
But the end of that movie was exactly what happened because I walked in this house
and my cousins and all their kids and their grandkids, everybody was there from his
family took off that day to be there for that event. And I walked in there and I was so
humbled by the whole thing. I mean, I just broke down and I was able to make an
amends right there to an entire family and start a whole new relationship that this
disease of alcoholism robbed me of my entire life, even into sobriety.
(59:09 – 59:18)
And that’s how the ism part of our alcoholism just follows us right into sobriety, folks. It
doesn’t quit when we put the cork in, you know, the plug in the job. You know, I had
unfinished business.
(59:18 – 59:35)
And the most grieving part of that whole ride home was that I waited so long to do it. I
waited so long to do that. And a few weeks later, a month later, my wife got to come
back and our kids and I remember my kids because Lisa’s dad died from alcoholism, my
dad died from alcoholism, so they never had a grandpa in our life.
(59:35 – 59:53)
And I remember the kids got there and the first thing they did is they ran up in my uncle
Bob’s lap and they sit down. And my littlest one, Sarah, says, you think it’d be OK if we
call you grandpa? And he says, I think that’d be OK, you know, and then and that’s the
kind of healing and the kind of things that happen in this thing. And that’s what
happened to me.
(59:54 – 1:00:15)
And the hardest part of that is, is that, you know, I look back and just how self-centered I
am and still today, I’m so self-centered, it’s unbelievable. The radio station, when I get
up in the morning, it’s on WIFM, what’s in it for me? Almost every day. And in the steps,
you know, say, you know, ask God to remove you from the bondage of self, you know,
that selfishness and self-centeredness.
(1:00:15 – 1:00:38)
And I know that I’m fatally flawed and I’m going to be that way until the day I die. You
know, as long as I’m in this mortal flame, I know that I’m fatally flawed and I’m going to
do battle with the dark side, the boys, the committee, the voices, John Barleycorn,
whatever you want to call it, the devil himself, as far as I care. I know that that force
exists in my life and it’s going to do everything it can to get me to walk apart from God
and to be disobedient to spiritual principles.
(1:00:39 – 1:00:46)
And that’s how it gets me. And it doesn’t really have to do a whole lot because the way it
gets me is through compromise. You know, the way it gets you is through compromise.
(1:00:47 – 1:00:55)
It just draws you out on your own self-will. Cut back on a little prayer and meditation.
Now, you’ve been carrying that meeting into that place for a long time.
(1:00:55 – 1:01:01)
Let somebody else do it for a while. Just want you to take it easy for a while. You know,
we’ll cut back and it seems so harmless and so petty.
(1:01:01 – 1:01:27)
And the next thing you know, it’s down to one meeting a week. And the next thing you
know, I’ve been doing that thing for a long time and I’m just not going to go anymore for
a while. Take a little breather.
You know, and that’s that’s the dark side that works in our life, you know, and it works in
my life. It’s amazing how that happens. And the greatest the greatest thing I think about
this disease and the most biggest trick that it pulls off still today with a lot of us is that it
gets convinced that it’s not even there.
(1:01:27 – 1:01:37)
And that’s the most amazing thing about the dark side of alcoholism. I got it. As long as I
come to places like this, hang around people like you, I’m reminded I got everything I
have in my life.
(1:01:37 – 1:01:45)
Ladies and gentlemen, I can guarantee I owe it to Alcoholics Anonymous. I’m really glad
to be here this weekend. I’m looking forward to here at 10 tomorrow night here in Lisa,
Debbie.
(1:01:46 – 1:01:51)
The list goes on, on meeting some of you folks and having a wing ding time and haytie.
Thanks a lot.