Joe W. from Los Angeles, CA at Founder’s Day – Akron, OH 6/8-10/2018

(0:24) My name is Joe W and I’m an alcoholic. It’s an honor and a privilege to be here. (0:35) I’d like to thank Tom O for chasing me down and Chad for taking care of me since (0:44) I got here.
I do want to say something to people in very early recovery if you (0:52) have a couple days or a couple weeks. Boo! That’s so much fun to do that. I have a (1:14) musician friend who you’d know but I’ll keep him anonymous.
He came to our men’s (1:20) group meeting in Los Angeles and he said, I don’t know if I’m an alcoholic but I’m (1:28) tired of getting pepper sprayed all the time. So I don’t know why you’re here if (1:41) you’re new. Maybe it’s a deal you made with the judge or maybe your family gave (1:50) you an ultimatum.
Maybe your job’s on the line. But if you’re here at this point in (2:07) the disease, you’ve had all the fun you’re going to have. I would advise sticking (2:21) around.
I’ll tell you my story, what it was like. My father was killed in active duty (2:37) in the Army Air Corps when I was a year and a half old. He was a flight instructor for (2:50) the first operational jet.
And I would question the word operational. He was 24 (3:06) years old. And my mom was like 21.
So I didn’t have a dad. My mother was very scared. And so (3:24) she was really strict with me because I was all she had.
And she would use her tone of (3:32) voice to get me to do things. And if she yelled loud enough, I would get scared. I would get (3:44) scared.
In those days, there was still polio. I remember when we took the first polio vaccine, (3:55) people my age. And in those days, you know these child behavioral words, attention deficit, (4:11) obsessive compulsive, Asperger’s, autism.
I had that. They didn’t know what it was. It had not (4:29) been medically figured out or diagnosed yet.
There was just all the normal kids and me. And I was what (4:43) I was just a difficult kid. There’s one in every class.
I was all over the map. I could not finish (4:55) tasks. I couldn’t express myself or my feelings.
And I really had trouble interacting. And I was (5:08) scared because I knew I was different than the other kids. I didn’t know why.
Couldn’t do (5:17) mathematics, simple mathematics. I’d get confused. I couldn’t finish my homework on time.
And so I was (5:31) faking it. I was pretending nothing was wrong, doing the best I could, and just hoping that (5:42) everybody wouldn’t figure out that I didn’t know what I was doing. My mother remarried when I was (5:54) about six.
And my stepfather was wonderful to me. He took care of me good, except he was a brilliant (6:01) lawyer. And he would make me feel guilty, methodically, legally, brilliant mind.
I didn’t (6:34) And I got pretty comfortable. I settled in. And my parents told me we were moving.
(6:43) And we moved to Columbus, Ohio. And there was a whole class that had been in the class before (6:53) together. And there was me.
And I had to start all over and make new friends and figure it all out. (7:05) Faking it. Faking it.
And so I became really shy and just kind of looked at the ground a lot. (7:17) But if I got scared, I would act out. I would like kind of, oh, elective Tourette’s syndrome.
(7:31) Just to take the focus off of me, the fact that I didn’t have a clue what was going on. (7:40) And Columbus was really good. The one thing that I was was musical.
My mother was a musician and (7:51) studied classical piano. And there was always music around. She played it night and day, (7:59) and I listened to the radio night and day.
And before I even played any musical instruments, (8:05) I was memorizing songs. And I knew I was musical. That’s the one thing where I knew what I was (8:14) doing.
So all of a sudden, I’m comfortable and my family moves to New York City, (8:24) junior high school. And I go from a vacant lot day in Columbus (8:32) to wide open fields and kick the can and neighborhood and running around with the (8:38) other guys. I fit in pretty good with them.
And they said, well, you know, that’s just Joe, (8:46) when I was silly, to a third floor, two bedroom apartment in New York City. (8:56) And I had to start all over again. The class that I was in all knew each other.
I was different. (9:07) And I had to learn everybody and a new scene. And New York City is not Columbus, Ohio.
(9:17) So I had to do that. And again, I continued. I couldn’t turn stuff in.
We’d have a science fair. (9:28) And I was the only guy with no project. I forgot to tell my parents that I even had (9:37) a project.
And I couldn’t do math. Terrible at homework. I was making enough grades to pass, (9:45) but that was about it.
New York City was great, except then we moved to Montclair, New Jersey. (9:55) And I had to start all over. High school, make all new friends, start all over again.
(10:04) And I learned kind of how to make people like me. Because then I felt safe. (10:18) So I would be funny or stupid or distract the teacher.
If the teacher turned around to write (10:31) something on the blackboard, I’d be throwing stuff at people and making faces. (10:40) Because I was so scared. Because I was so scared.
In junior high school, (10:52) I taught myself how to play guitar. Ukulele, actually. (11:00) And then I got a Sears Roebuck guitar for about $29, and I played that.
(11:09) And I had got a couple chops. And we had a talent show. And when it was time to play the talent show, (11:17) I went out on stage with a trumpet player.
And I couldn’t play. I was shaking, hyperventilating, (11:31) totally confused. I couldn’t play.
I was so scared. And that was a traumatic experience. (11:42) Now, a lot of people have that the first time on stage, and they never play again.
(11:50) So I didn’t play for a long time, but I kept learning guitar. And in high school, I got in a (11:57) band. Except I couldn’t really play.
I stood in the back, and I looked at the floor, and I faked it. (12:09) And because the other guys drank beer, I had some beer. (12:19) And I played pretty good.
And I thought to myself, wow, this is the missing thing. (12:32) This is the answer. I can do it now.
And the seed was planted. (12:43) I can do it. Alcohol works.
It works great. And a couple beers, just so I could play, (12:55) go on stage and play, worked for a while. It worked good in high school, (13:03) because that’s all I needed.
But the seed was planted. I was accepted at Kent State University (13:15) in 1965. So I had to start all over.
So I went there with my one guitar and my beetle boots, (13:32) and I went to a dorm. And I eventually made friends with the other musicians in the town. (13:44) And that summer, I didn’t go home.
I stayed to play. And we played downtown. (13:53) And I had my beer and all.
Now, I am aware of other substances. (14:02) Okay? And I’ll just talk about this once. I discovered some other drugs in college.
(14:15) We all did. My whole generation did. And one of them was cocaine.
Now, I say cocaine, (14:28) because cocaine is in the same chemical family as Ritalin. Ritalin is what they give attention (14:42) deficit kids now. And I came across cocaine.
And holy smokes, I had clarity, and I could focus. (14:56) You know? I really could. The Ritalin part of it was a whole different thing.
And that was it. I (15:06) have found the answer. I’m good to go.
And I started writing music at that point. Now, (15:15) I’m not going to talk about other substances anymore, but I wanted to get the Ritalin in there. (15:24) So, you know.
Yeah. And in case you’re wondering, one of the things (15:32) that attention deficit obsessive compulsive people do is to go back and forth when they talk. (15:42) In case you’re wondering why I’m doing that.
So, I started writing. (15:54) And Kent was great. I got in a band called the James Gang, and we played downtown.
(16:05) We played in JBs, and it was a great time for everybody. Kent was the place to go. (16:15) That’s where the girls were.
And there was a bunch of bars, and there was a bunch of bands, (16:21) and people would come and hear you. And that’s where I got to put in my 10,000 hours (16:28) being on stage. And I was writing music, even though we were doing cover songs.
(16:40) And that seed sprouted. Okay. An album came out called James Gang Rides Again.
(17:02) And I met a bunch of other rock and rollers. (17:10) One of the scariest things that ever happened to me was that Keith Moon of The Who decided he liked (17:19) me. And we stayed up for a week one night.
And he taught me the finer things in the art of hotel (17:41) damage. One time we were riding in his car in England, and we stopped on the way to the next (17:51) gig. He had a Rolls Royce, and we stopped at a gardening place.
And he ran in, and he bought (17:59) some garden fertilizer and some charcoal. And then we stopped at a drugstore somewhere else. (18:08) And when we got to the hotel, he mixed that stuff all up.
Right? And he put it in a prophylactic. (18:19) And he flushed that down the toilet. And it went down two floors and blew some guy’s toilet off (18:27) the wall.
You know? We’d be at a bar, and I would have a drink, he would have a drink. (18:45) He would pour his drink on some guy’s head, hand it to me, and take my drink and walk away. (18:59) I met all those guys.
And guess what? We all drank brandy and ginger ale, (19:06) and we were rock and rollers. We were. Rock and roll musicians had a kind of a get out of jail (19:16) free card.
As long as we paid for the hotel room, you know, we could work something out. (19:26) Sometimes I had to get across the state line before the maids actually opened the door. (19:37) And that went up to about 1970.
And I was at the shooting. And I knew Jeffrey and Allison. (19:55) And Kent died that day.
It was never the same. (20:13) So, I left, and I decided to leave the James Gang and get out of Ohio. And I went to Colorado.
(20:28) And got a band together, starting all over. I got married. That was a hoot.
(20:41) And put a band together and started a solo career. (20:46) And that did pretty good. Until I ran out of money.
(20:54) And we put some records out. (21:00) But two things happened. Finally, I had a hit record.
Rocky Mountain Way came out (21:11) in 1973. And that was good because I could continue to pay the band. (21:23) In 1974, my wife had a car accident going to school with my daughter.
My daughter’s name was Emma. (21:34) And I was on the road. But I got a phone call.
And my daughter was in surgery for six hours. (21:48) And the doctor said, we’ve done everything we can. But she had traumatic head damage.
(21:57) My wife was in a coma with broken ribs. And injured internal organs. So, I had to decide.
(22:08) And the doctor said, look, we can tell you what. She ain’t going to make it. But there’s this kid (22:18) that needs corneas to see.
And there’s this other kid that needs a kidney. (22:30) What do you think? And I went in and talked to my daughter. (22:40) And I made the decision to shut it down.
Because she never would have got out of bed. (22:49) I got a second opinion. But she was pretty much brain dead.
(22:56) She was alive as long as the machine was on. Anyway, I did that. And (23:06) some little kid could see.
And another kid got a kidney. (23:16) But I said, God, you did this. God, you did this.
And I made myself the victim. (23:30) And I got mad at God. And I stayed mad at God for a long time.
And I drank. (23:43) And I had this attitude where I didn’t care about nothing. I put out an album called So What.
(23:54) And there’s a song for Emma on that. But that’s about the worst thing that can happen is you lose (24:00) a kid. And I did.
So I continued to work at my career. But I just didn’t have it. (24:18) My marriage was pointless at that point.
My wife tried to commit suicide a couple times and on and (24:26) on and on. Anyway, the marriage split up. And I just didn’t have the strength anymore to do it.
(24:38) To do it. My heart wasn’t in it. And right about then, the Eagles asked me to join them.
(24:53) And kind of saved my ass, because I just had lost it. I had lost momentum on being a solo rock star. (25:04) I didn’t want to do that anymore.
I was mad at God. And in 1976, Hotel California came out. (25:25) And achieved an amount of success that we never dreamed of.
(25:32) And so the big run was on. (25:37) We got famous. We started selling a million albums a month for 10 months.
(25:46) And we were really good too. (25:54) I may not do impress you. It just was so healing for me to be in a band again.
Instead of being (26:06) the leader and being in charge and having to write everything myself. I just got so much comfort from (26:12) being in a band again. It felt really good.
And guess what? Basically, we could do anything we wanted. (26:22) So we did. (26:26) And the drunken madness continued.
As long as we sold records. (26:34) And it really took its toll on us. Over a five-year period, we put out another album.
(26:50) But you know what? That started off totally artistic. And it mutated. The more records we (27:01) sold, the more important we got to the business part of the music industry.
And we ended up being (27:11) our own corporation. And we spent a lot of time doing business rather than writing music together. (27:22) And we started not to agree on everything.
And we all were partying heavily. (27:36) And it was more important to the record company that we give them… (27:45) You know, we could have farted and burped and they would have put it out. (27:50) They just wanted it because that was their corporate corridor.
And we lost our perspective totally. (27:58) And we started really not to get along. And we started to play bad.
So we just plain stopped. (28:12) In 1980. (28:15) And that was my whole life.
That was my whole life, that band. And my whole life stopped. (28:26) Except I kept going.
I kept going. I drank and partied like the band was still going. (28:42) And from 1980 to 1994, I started a gradual decline.
(28:54) And very gradually, alcohol, which was now vodka, straight out of the bottle, and other substances, (29:08) convinced me that I couldn’t do anything without it. Not music. Anything.
I couldn’t do without it. (29:20) It was the only thing that mattered. Not running out.
Vodka became my higher power. (29:30) And that seed that had been planted in me in junior high school would be (29:40) flowered, except it was a big weed inside me. And it ate a hole in me where love had been, (29:55) where compassion had been, where caring about somebody else had been.
(30:06) And I made myself the victim about everything. And I was mad. And if something good happened, (30:15) it’s because I thought of that.
And if something bad happened, it’s because you didn’t listen to me. (30:21) And I burned bridges all over the place. I stopped making music.
Didn’t matter. Stopped (30:28) writing. Stopped playing.
Didn’t want to play live anymore. The only thing that mattered to me (30:34) was not running out of alcohol. We played this dry county in Texas.
And I woke up and it was like (30:45) Sunday morning. And there were no liquor stores open on Sunday. And I was out.
I was out of (30:57) vodka. So what I did was, well, I ended up with four hotel rooms because I drank all the mini bars (31:10) one at a time. And then I’d go get another room.
But I made it through Sunday. (31:23) And my health declined. Everything declined.
I didn’t care about nothing. I started hanging out (31:32) with not very nice people, you know. I didn’t wash.
I didn’t care. (31:43) Drank. Got thrown out of, I’ve been thrown out of some of the funniest hotels in the world.
(31:51) And guess what? It got worse. And I’m talking to you newcomers. It got worse.
(32:01) And that was bad, but it got worse. (32:07) And then it got worse than that. And then it got worse beyond your wildest imagination.
(32:18) And I always thought I had that card in my back pocket where if I really needed to, I could, (32:28) I could stop. And I realized that card didn’t work. Vodka had a, vodka had a queen and I had a 10.
(32:43) And I ended up this godless, hateful thing. (32:54) And the reason I’m here is because I hit bottom before I OD’d. (33:04) A lot of my buddies OD’d before they hit bottom.
And I ran with some, some good ones. (33:14) Most of my friends are dead from those days. (33:21) Pellucci, boy, was he fun.
One time we went to a restaurant in Chicago and he wanted to show me (33:30) Chicago because he’s so proud of being from Chicago. So we went to this restaurant and they (33:35) wouldn’t let us in because we had jeans on. And he talked to the owner and talked to the concierge (33:42) and, you know, don’t you know who I am on Saturday Night Live? And offered to let us in.
(33:48) You know, $600, $600 bills. And you can’t get in with jeans on. And we weren’t even hungry.
(34:03) But John said, I know what to do. I know what to do. Come on, come on.
So we got in the car and (34:07) we went to some all night place in Chicago, like a truck stop. And the next thing I know (34:16) is we’re in the alley and he’s got black spray paint and he’s painting my jeans black. (34:27) And I said, John, what are you doing? He said, shut up, shut up, shut up.
Here, now you paint me. (34:34) And we got in. Except they were like these, these one of a kind, like, (34:47) I don’t know, Queen Anne period chairs that had needlepoint on them and stuff.
(34:54) And when we got up, our butts were jeans again and the needlepoint was all black. (35:02) So we had to leave fast. And there’s great stories like that, you know, I remember those.
(35:13) But here I am, he’s dead. And here I am. And I’m this godless, hateful thing.
Now, (35:21) that’s what it was like. That’s how I came in. Okay.
I didn’t care about nothing. I weighed (35:29) maybe 140. I didn’t have a license.
I didn’t have a car. I didn’t care about anything. I had sores (35:39) all over my face.
I didn’t really live anywhere. I didn’t do music anymore. Nobody in the music (35:48) business would have anything to do with me.
And the guys in the Eagles, Don and Glenn, came to me (36:01) and they said, and this was 1994, 1993 actually, they said, well, you’re going to die. (36:12) But we’re thinking about putting the Eagles back together. (36:16) We can’t do it without you.
And we can’t do it unless you’re sober. What do you think? (36:28) And I said, well, if anything’s going to get me sober, it would be that. So I’ll sure try.
(36:38) That’s the best reason I had. That’s the only reason I had. Except I knew I was going to die.
(36:47) From my dead friends, I saw me right at the end for them. And I knew I’d had it. (36:58) So I went into rehab.
(37:02) In February, February 28th in 1994. And I didn’t like anything. I didn’t like anybody.
(37:12) I didn’t trust anybody. I didn’t trust God. And I thought you guys were like some cult, (37:23) you know, like, like, sold books at the airport.
Those people. I thought you guys were (37:30) just some kind of weird people. I didn’t, I was afraid of straight people.
(37:37) I was afraid of sober people. I, you know, I didn’t know what sober was. (37:47) I thought, this is the end of the world.
I’ll never be able to play guitar again. (37:53) I’ll never be funny. Life is over.
I’m just going to wear a tie and go to work every day (38:02) and come home and go to bed. (38:09) So I stayed because maybe the band might get together. I was supposed to go in for like (38:18) 10 days and I was going to change my socks.
I was going to like gain a little weight, (38:23) do my laundry, get some people off my back, you know, and then maybe go out and pretend (38:34) that, well, maybe I can just get back to the beer like junior high school, knowing full well (38:42) that that wasn’t what was going to happen. (38:47) So after about 10 days, I decided to stay longer. You know why? (38:52) I can’t say my life got better, but my life stopped getting worse.
(39:11) So I went to some meetings. I went to some men’s meetings. I was too distracted at mixed meetings.
(39:21) Well, I went to men’s meetings and I met these guys, these old crusty guys with 30 and 40 years (39:30) who all bet 10 bucks I would never make it. They lost a lot of money. (39:40) But I listened to them because they were funny, you know, and they had lives and they made sense.
(39:50) And that’s what I wanted. That’s what I wanted to do. And I said, I don’t know about this God thing.
(39:59) And they said, well, it ain’t going to hit you like a bolt of lighting. (40:05) You’re not going to just wake up one day and hi, I’m God and everything’s great. (40:10) That’s not going to happen.
God will help you if he is sought, not found. So seek him. (40:28) Ask him for help.
I never incurred to me. Say, okay, God, well, I met you, but (40:36) you know, I’m in a little bind here. So I’m going to pretend that (40:43) you’re God and that I can actually talk to you and we’ll see how that goes.
(40:52) And I kept going to these meetings with the men and they all knew my name and I knew their names (41:00) and I felt good at the meetings. And I discovered that (41:09) the worst, most embarrassing, degrading, awful story that I had, somebody could top. (41:31) Yeah.
And if something happened to me that made me really want to drink, (41:40) somebody in there had been through it and knew what to do. And that happened numerous times. (41:55) And I realized after all those years, I am not unique, individual, one of a kind, (42:08) different than all the other kids, only me, the exception, I’m an alcoholic.
(42:27) And for the first time, I was in a group where I actually felt I belong. I had a home group. (42:44) And so I stayed, stayed around and I started reading the book (42:51) and discovered the steps, started working the steps.
(42:57) And I got to step three and I thought, well, I’m good. (43:05) I’m good. And my sponsor said, nope.
(43:13) Step three, sobriety is nice, but you do them all. (43:22) And I managed over a period of time to do the steps. I did.
(43:31) And what happened to me is what it says in the book. I had a profound spiritual awakening. (43:50) And that is, that thing, that godless, hateful thing that I had become (44:03) wasn’t me.
That was vodka. I was this little scared kid that had given all his power away (44:21) for all those years. And vodka had been my higher power.
(44:29) And whatever vodka said we were doing, that’s what we were doing. (44:37) And it’s amazing what can be a good idea when you’ve been up for three days. (44:44) But I did it.
I took my power back and I asked God for help. I said, I’m going to go for it. (45:01) Maybe you really are.
Maybe you really are. I’m not mad at you anymore. Things are okay.
(45:15) And I took my power back. Now, right away, I’m that scared little kid. (45:22) I’m afraid to go out on stage.
So one day at a time, I had to learn how to do that. (45:30) And eventually, I started being funny again. Everything I had to learn one day at a time, (45:40) all of it.
And consecutive days of sobriety allows you to get that kind of stuff done. (45:53) And gradually, one day at a time, God gave me my life back. (46:07) So, I’ve been sober 24 years.
Thank you. And this much I know, okay? (46:28) Step 11 is through prayer and meditation, (46:35) we try to improve our conscious contact with our higher power. (46:42) And I have a higher power now.
And I met some Buddhist monks along the way, (46:50) and they helped me with the meditation part. And if you stay here right now, (47:02) and that’s conscious contact, you’re here right now. And God is here with us.
(47:19) You can go back into the past when you’re driving in this traffic, (47:25) and you can dig around in a pile of wreckage with a shovel. And you can come up with something (47:35) that you’ll revisit, make yourself the victim of. Just get a copper little attitude, (47:44) and have a think on it.
(47:51) That son of a bitch. And he’s probably dead. They don’t care.
(48:00) What are you doing? You’re not conscious. You spent all that time in the past, which doesn’t (48:07) exist. You’re not conscious.
And you’re enabling your alcoholic mind. You’re giving (48:17) your alcoholic mind the green light to take some of your power. And you end up mad.
(48:28) And five minutes before, you were here now. Or you can go into the future. (48:38) And the day after tomorrow, I got this.
Oh, my God. It’s going to be horrible. (48:45) And you can think of the worst case scenario, which I do, and make yourself the victim, (48:54) and write a whole screenplay about the day after tomorrow.
(49:01) So you’re just, that’s all you are. Oh, my God, the day after tomorrow. Oh, my God.
(49:06) What’s going to happen? Oh, what could happen? What could be worse? Oh, I know. (49:14) You’re unconscious. The future doesn’t exist.
You’re unconscious. You’re sitting there like (49:22) a car in the park with the motor running. You’re not here now.
(49:30) Because here now, we’re all okay. And God is here with us. (49:46) And that is the key to consecutive days of good sobriety.
Staying close to the program, (49:55) helping another alcoholic, calling your sponsor, doing it. (50:05) When yesterday happened, it happened now. (50:14) When tomorrow happens, it will happen now.
(50:21) It will never be not now. Stay here. You’re okay.
(50:39) Thank you for listening. I’m grateful to God, (50:44) the program, and the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous for my life in sobriety today.