Mickey B. from Los Angeles, CA at Rule 62 Roundup – Erlanger, KY – 8/2/1996 – “Steps 1-3”

(0:09 – 0:22)
Hi everybody, my name’s Mickey Bush and I’m an alcoholic. I’m probably an addict. It’s
2.30, 3.30, right? So we’re going to go for about 45 minutes and then we’ll have a break.
(0:22 – 0:30)
And then come back and do another 45 minutes. So your bums don’t go all numb, you
know what I mean? Oh no, you smoke down here. You don’t need a smoke break.
(0:30 – 0:53)
Alright, we’ll have a break anyway. I’m not used to smoking meetings. Okay, I’ve been
doing these workshops for quite some time now and primarily the first step leading into
the second and third step, which has been developing over a long time.
(0:53 – 1:33)
But I, thank you. I was reading a lot of the AA history and the archives and stuff and was
reading where Bill was so saddened by the amount of alcoholics that got to Alcoholics
Anonymous but didn’t stick around and that he started concentrating a lot in his later
time to try to encourage those that were already here to stay here. Now I stand on the
firing line every day and it’s just really sad to see a lot of people that we know and love
go back out again.
(1:33 – 2:24)
And when I speak to a lot of people who drink and use again and I talk to them about
powerlessness and other things, they have like no idea, and I’m talking about no idea
about what the first step’s all about, as they think they do. And so I started doing some
workshops and started doing some extracurriculum work and that’s kind of what’s
developed now is along these lines. And as you see, look, I don’t have any briefcase, I
don’t have any notes, I don’t have anything more than what’s in here and in here, but in
my mind and in my heart, in my mental and physical, I make references all the time to
this beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous, where our program is, and the 12 and 12.
(2:26 – 2:45)
And I haven’t brought any glasses with me today, so I’ll have to point to it in the book
but go on memory. Are these reading glasses? I don’t look like I’ve come from West
Hollywood, do I? No, they don’t work. I’ve got to get a new pair of glasses.
(2:49 – 3:05)
Okay, all right. But where it says here, the very first line or the very first step in the 12
and 12 is, Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. And you
know what, it took me a long time to realize what that was saying.
(3:05 – 3:39)
Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. And because
practically no one, of course, cares to, practically no one, of course, does, so there’s
practically no one, of course, who has, so there’s practically no one, of course, to ask,
How the hell do I? And of course, being true blue alcoholics, if I haven’t done it, I want to
appear as though I have done it, so I’ll lie, you know. But the whole thing is that we don’t
get the message, and the newcomer isn’t getting what we’re supposed to be giving
them, and that’s our responsibility.
(3:39 – 4:00)
It’s certainly the way I see it anyway. If I don’t give it to you correctly, you may not get it
correctly, and if you don’t receive it correctly, when you meet somebody else maybe as
sick as yourself, you won’t give it to them correctly, and they won’t hear it correctly, and
that may be their only opportunity of getting their recovery. And I don’t want to be
responsible for somebody losing their shot at recovery.
(4:00 – 4:13)
I don’t know about you. So I see it as my responsibility to do this first, the twelfth step,
which is carry this message. Not those messages, this message.
(4:14 – 4:32)
See? So that’s what I try and do. Anyway, there’s a whole first step before the first step.
See, there’s a whole step that needs to be done long before we get to the first step.
(4:32 – 4:51)
And if you think that you’ve done a first step by admitting that you’re an alcoholic, you’re
missing the deal, and it’s a shame. And a lot of people think that they’ve done a first
step by admitting they’re alcoholic. Now, you can look at the first step any which way
you like, and you will find nowhere in there that admitting you’re an alcoholic is the first
step.
(4:51 – 5:11)
In fact, nowhere in the four pages of the first step in this book does it say that. And so
admitting that I’m an alcoholic is not the first step, and a lot of people think it is. I hear
people talking what I refer to as lip-flapping party-line bullshit, you know, at meetings,
and you’ll hear it too.
(5:11 – 5:40)
And it has nothing to do with nothing, and yet it happens all the time. One guy… Now,
you’ve got to bear in mind I’m kind of weird, and I know some other people are weird,
and I say weird shit sometimes, but… One guy in a North Hollywood group, he stood up
in a room full of newcomers and said a newcomer does a first step as soon as he walks
through the door and raises his hand as an alcoholic, he’s done a first step. I said, you’re
killing people telling them that crap.
(5:40 – 5:47)
He said, I’m 23 years sober. That’s my experience. I said, I don’t give a whoo how long
you’re sober.
(5:47 – 5:59)
That ain’t this message. 23 years sober? I said, you’re a goddamn spy in the camp, you
are. You’re a goddamn traitor, you.
(6:00 – 6:11)
The disease has allowed you to stay sober 23 years so you can come among us
spreading that shit. You’re spreading the disease’s crap. Killing us alcoholics.
(6:12 – 6:39)
23 years sober spreading that shit. Well, that’s not how to win friends and influence
people, but he got the point, you know what I mean? But there’s a lot of people walking
around here and they’re quoting crap that has nothing to do with nothing and certainly is
not our message. You see, and they go unchallenged because one of the things that they
qualify is like, well, just for me, I’m just talking for me, this is just for me.
(6:39 – 6:54)
And they think because they hide behind a qualification of just for me, they can get up
here and spew out a load of crap and go unchallenged. I don’t allow that. I don’t allow
that at all.
(6:55 – 7:21)
Just for me? Screw you! You know, I don’t go for that crap. Some of the crap in the book,
like Bill says in the book, like, if when you honestly want to you find you cannot quit
entirely or if when drinking you find you can’t control the amount you take, you’re
probably alcoholic or probably suffering from a disease called alcoholism. Well, screw
probably.
(7:21 – 7:34)
There’s no bloody probably about it. If you can’t stop when you want to or control when
you is, you bloody well are. There ain’t no probably about it, all that hiding behind that
stuff.
(7:34 – 7:57)
Anyway, we get on. In this beautiful book on page 30 it says, We learned we had to fully
concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery.
(7:59 – 8:15)
Now it’s the first step in recovery, but it is not the first of the twelve. I have to at least
have a problem before I can get to the solution to it. So yes, we learned we had to fully
concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholics.
(8:16 – 8:32)
This is the first step in recovery, but it is not the first of the twelve. The delusion that we
are like other people or presently maybe has to be smashed. What’s that telling us?
Thank you.
(8:33 – 8:47)
So we had to do it and it has to be done. We learned we had to fully concede to our
innermost self the delusion has to be that we are like other people or presently maybe
has to be smashed. So we had to do it and it has to be done.
(8:47 – 8:54)
There is nothing suggestive about that. That is a given. All that’s suggested, no.
(8:59 – 9:15)
What does it mean to be alcoholic? I ask folk, what is it about you that makes you
alcoholic? I go, well, I can’t control my drinking. Read your first step. Does it say anything
about control? My first step doesn’t say anything about control.
(9:15 – 9:25)
If it was about control, we would have written control. We’re clever us alcoholics, we
would have written control if it was about control. It doesn’t say nothing about control.
(9:26 – 9:51)
What is it about me that makes me an alcoholic? Well, since we learned we had to fully
concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic, so if I’ve got to learn to fully
concede to my innermost self that I am alcoholic, it would really help to know what it
being an alcoholic is. And I ask folk, now this is a workshop. So in the normal course of
events, you know, we don’t sort of interrupt or have cross talk, but that doesn’t apply
here.
(9:51 – 10:05)
At any time that you feel you want to, please raise your hand and ask your question or
whatever. And I love playing stump the drunk. Why don’t you play stump the drunk with
me? I love playing stump the drunk.
(10:05 – 10:19)
You dig it? So like, try and play stump the drunk with me and we’ll get somewhere. You
bloody Cincinnati whatever it is in the air. I’m all stuffed up and locked up.
(10:19 – 10:40)
Is that right? What is that, allergies or something? Can’t even take pills anymore. So
please just raise your hand and let us know if you’ve got something that you want to say
or ask or if I skip over something that you haven’t understood. Please stop me and ask
me.
(10:40 – 10:52)
I’ll be asking you guys questions. So if I’ve got to fully concede to my innermost self that
I am alcoholic, what does that mean? Well, I need to know what it means. What is my
innermost self? I need to know what that means.
(10:53 – 11:04)
What does to fully concede mean? It’s got to be different to admitting. We hear things
like admittance, acceptance and surrender, and it sounds like the deal, but it ain’t. It
ain’t the deal.
(11:05 – 11:15)
To fully concede to my innermost self is the deal, and then I’ve got to admit, accept and
surrender to that. So admitting that I’m an alcoholic is not the deal. It sounds like the
deal.
(11:15 – 11:31)
People say it’s the deal, but it ain’t. What’s the difference between fully conceding and
admitting? Well, I need to know this stuff. And if I don’t know, and if I skip past it and
then haven’t fully understood it, well, then I’m going to miss part of the deal.
(11:31 – 11:54)
And guess what? If I skip past it in the first step, my foundation is an un-rock-solid
foundation, and whatever I build on top of a shaky foundation eventually comes
crumbling down. And that’s just what happens, you know. The biggest group of people
who drink and use in Alcoholics Anonymous after the initial first new period is between 7
and 10 years.
(11:54 – 12:06)
Between 7 and 10 years is the biggest group of alcoholics who drink again. And you
check it out. You talk to some of these people who have no idea what’s going on, as they
think they have.
(12:06 – 12:37)
And that’s just like anything. This building that we’re in, if you put it on a shaky
foundation, oh, it may stand up for a while, maybe a long while, but then it’ll start
cracking and crumbling, and we’ll have to reinforce it, and then it’ll become unsafe, and
we’ll have to evacuate it, and then we’ll have to raise it to the ground. And we may raise
it to the ground, but, you know, if the foundation is rocky, if we don’t go into the
foundation and reinforce or replace the foundation, but just build a new building, that’ll
come crumbling down too.
(12:37 – 12:53)
We’ve got to go in and reinforce the foundation, and then build a new temple. And that’s
what we need to do here. If our sobriety isn’t on a rock-solid foundation, based in the
first step, well, then it eventually will come crumbling down, even if we do stay sober for
a while and stand for a while.
(12:54 – 13:00)
And I don’t want that to happen. I see too much of that happening all the time. I see that
all the time.
(13:00 – 13:16)
So I need to know, what is it about me that makes me alcoholic? What is it about me that
makes me an alcoholic? People think it’s obvious, but it ain’t. What is it about me that
makes me an alcoholic? It’s very simple. Who wants to answer? Anybody give me an
answer.
(13:17 – 13:30)
Come on, this is a workshop. Who wants to answer? Nobody don’t want to tell me? Come
on, here, over here. What is it about me that makes me an alcoholic? A physical allergy
to alcohol.
(13:31 – 14:04)
Alright, so once I take the first drink, I can’t control what I do after I do that. Well, what is
that? Right, what is that? What? Obsession with delusion. Okay, well, what is that? That’s
what we’re getting to, powerless.
(14:04 – 14:28)
What does it mean to be powerless? I’m only asking a couple of simple questions here. I
started off asking, what is it about me that makes me an alcoholic? So far I got
powerlessness, control, I got the allergy. What else did I get? See, I got description of a
disease called alcoholism.
(14:28 – 14:38)
See, a description of a disease called alcoholism is an obsession of the mind, allergy of
the body. That’s a description of a disease called alcoholism. That’s not what makes me
an alcoholic.
(14:39 – 15:03)
But we might want to try something else. Genetic? What’s genetic? What? I can’t see or
hear who’s saying that. The fact what? That you breathe? Well, I believe that you believe
that.
(15:04 – 15:17)
But, you know, there’s a lot of people that breathe that are not alcoholic. I often hear
about people who believe they were born alcoholic. Well, alcoholism is caused by
drinking alcohol.
(15:17 – 15:31)
So if you were born an alcoholic, where did you do your drinking? Now, sometimes it
comes through parents. We know that. A baby gets born with the allergies through the
parents, like AIDS babies and other things like that.
(15:32 – 15:50)
But you see, we got a two-fold disease, mental and physical. So if I was born with the
allergy, it’s not coupled with the mental obsession. So how can I be born an alcoholic? I
can be born with the susceptibility to become an alcoholic and the more likelihood to
become an alcoholic.
(15:50 – 16:00)
But like the book said, it would be academic if I didn’t pick up the drink. It has the effect
and I do it again. Not only that, if I was born an alcoholic, it’s not my fault.
(16:01 – 16:07)
They did it to me. I’m a victim. And I can get no recovery while I’m a victim.
(16:07 – 16:13)
While they did it to me. So I don’t go along with that. Genetic, I got three sisters and a
brother.
(16:14 – 16:22)
They’re not like, you know, got the same genetics. I got friends here that are twins. One
twin’s an alcoholic, one twin isn’t.
(16:22 – 16:30)
I don’t think that is. No, I’m an alcoholic because I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol.
I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol.
(16:31 – 16:44)
Alcohol in any way, shape or form, I react abnormally to it. I have an abnormal reaction
to alcohol. Well, what is that? What is that abnormal reaction? It’s no good me just
saying that I got it.
(16:44 – 16:53)
I need to know what it is. What is my abnormal reaction to alcohol? What is yours? Drink
too much. No, it’s not drink too much.
(16:54 – 17:07)
That’s not an abnormal reaction to alcohol. That’s an action that you do. Well, we know
that it changes our thinking and we have mood swings and we have Jekyll and Hyde
personalities.
(17:07 – 17:15)
An alcoholic addictive behavior. But I’m an alcoholic, I need to know what my abnormal
reaction is. Phenomenal craving.
(17:15 – 17:34)
Phenomenal craving, that’s a description of the disease. If I’m an alcoholic, I’ll have a
disease called alcoholism, which that is a part of the description of. But I need to know if
I got an abnormal reaction to something, what is that? It does change my perception of
reality.
(17:34 – 17:45)
It’s been doing that long before I even become alcoholic. Long before I cross over the
invisible line, alcohol is changing my perception of reality. It’s what I call a nerd remover.
(17:46 – 17:57)
For all the years I’ve been drinking, it’s been removing the nerdness. I feel like a
goddamn nerd. But when I drink, I don’t care whether I’m a nerd.
(17:57 – 18:03)
You’re a bloody nerd. I ain’t a nerd. Alcohol removes the nerdness.
(18:03 – 18:08)
It changes my perception of reality. Yes, it does. It’s been doing that all the time.
(18:08 – 18:16)
Right up until I reach what we call an invisible line. Once I cross over the invisible line,
now the rules change. Now something else is happening.
(18:16 – 18:34)
Once I cross over the invisible line and become alcoholic, remember what the book says,
we become alcoholic, up until I cross over the invisible line, alcohol has been doing this
for me. It’s been removing the nerdness. Well, once I cross over the invisible line, what
it’s been doing for me, it’s now doing to me.
(18:34 – 18:42)
It can’t do it for me unless it’s been doing it to me. Now I’m screwed. Plus, once I cross
over the invisible line, there’s no going back.
(18:42 – 18:54)
I can’t not become that delusion that I may one day be able to drink like other people. It
has to be smashed. What’s a delusion? A delusion is a trick.
(18:54 – 19:09)
A delusion or an illusionist does tricks, doesn’t it? An illusionist like David Copperfield or
Siegfried and Roy, I was just in Vegas recently, saw Siegfried and Roy. Well, they do
these wonderful illusions. I mean, and they’re mind-blowing.
(19:09 – 19:23)
And you look at them and you go, Wow! Holy shit! How the hell do they do that? But you
know the elephant ain’t really disappeared. It’s a bloody trick. Well, that delusion is what
the disease does to our mind.
(19:23 – 19:42)
It gets us to believe a lie. You see? Just like an illusionist gets us to believe a trick. But
it’s not.
It’s a trick. So the disease gets us to believe a lie that one day we’ll be able to drink
again. And how many people have done that? Alcoholics over and over and over do that.
(19:43 – 19:54)
So now I’ve got an abnormal reaction to alcohol. I need to know what that is. I suggest
that you discover something about yourself that happens that you can absolutely focus
in that is a direct result of drinking and using.
(19:55 – 20:01)
With me, it’s blacking out. It doesn’t have to be with you. Yes? With me, it’s
uncontrollable anger.
(20:02 – 20:08)
I get violent. I used to think that too. But I used to get violently angry without alcohol
too.
(20:13 – 20:22)
I’ll tell you what a normal reaction is when we can drink it with impunity. Like my mum. I
say, Mum, do you want another glass of sherry? She’ll say, certainly not.
(20:22 – 20:28)
This is my second one and I’m already feeling it. Come, Mum, one for the road. Excuse
me.
(20:29 – 21:02)
Normal reactions to alcohol? People don’t… It doesn’t do for them what it does for us. It
doesn’t make them feel like a king like it does me. I get a couple of folks who can’t get
off work and they stop at the local pool hall or something for a beer on the way home,
relieve the stresses of the day and maybe shoot a game and one guy says, I’ve got to go
home and the old lady’s got the dinner on and he’s not alcoholic and the other guy, he
says, Oh, Stan, have a couple for the road.
(21:02 – 21:08)
Screw her, you’ve been working all week. No, I’d better get home. And he finishes up and
he goes home.
(21:09 – 21:25)
The other guy’s still yelling, Hey, come on, let’s go to Chihuahua! Because he’s got the
flavour now and he wants to get going. Alcohol’s having his abnormal reaction and he’s
taking him beyond what he’s doing. See, so I black out.
(21:25 – 21:30)
When I drink, I black out. I don’t black out all the time. I don’t black out every time.
(21:30 – 21:43)
But I black out. I don’t know when I’m going to black out and I don’t know how much to
drink to go into a blackout or how much not to drink so I don’t go into a blackout or how
much to drink to go into a thin one or a short one or a fat one. I drink, I black out.
(21:44 – 22:13)
I never black out conveniently, by the way. And just like the beautiful book says, if you’re
a blackout drinker too, I’ve never once came out of a blackout in any other way other
than like the book says, pitiful and incomprehensibly demoralized, which is paid, P-A-I-D,
we’ve paid our dues. I never once came out of a blackout heading up a charity show, you
know, or giving a kid a toy, you know, or doing something nice for somebody, you know.
(22:13 – 23:08)
It was always in this like, oh, man, or like my last blackout and I come out of the blackout
and my best friend’s laughing at me and I said, what are you laughing at me? He said,
well, you don’t know what you got up to, do you? I said, no, what happened? He said,
well, it all started after you peed in that lady’s dinner. I said, what? He said, don’t you
remember your friend visiting from Spain took us to that Post Beverly Hills restaurant
and in the middle of the restaurant you got all ticked off of that old lady and got up and
whacked it out right in her spaghetti and did it right, like, oh, my God. Now, I would do
shit like that and then I wouldn’t remember it because I’d been in a blackout and I would
go back in that restaurant the next day and they’d go, oh, God, how the hell you got the
balls to come in here after what you did? And I’d go, what do you mean? And they
wouldn’t understand how I didn’t remember what I’d got up to because I was in a
blackout.
(23:08 – 23:15)
I didn’t know nothing about a blackout. See, you guys taught me about that. So my
abnormal reaction to alcohol is that I blackout.
(23:16 – 23:30)
When I drink, I blackout. I don’t know about you. One of my friends, my best friend, in
fact, he immediately, he says that his reaction is that once he takes one of anything,
doesn’t matter what it is, he immediately becomes addicted again.
(23:31 – 23:37)
He immediately becomes re-addicted. See, so I like that one too. Other people have
other variants.
(23:37 – 23:47)
One particular person I know goes into seizures. Doesn’t go into seizures without
drinking, but as a result, drinking does. Now, I don’t care what it is.
(23:47 – 23:55)
I don’t care if it’s your hair springs straight on end or, I don’t know, the left one flies off to
the left. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.
(23:55 – 24:10)
But find out and discover something about that you can nail to the wall that this is a
result of drinking, this is an abnormal reaction to alcohol. Mine’s blacking out. Now, it
says we learned, we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we’re alcoholics.
(24:11 – 24:21)
Well, I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. Yes, over there. Yeah, as a result of
drinking.
(24:23 – 24:30)
Yes, as a result of drinking, something happens. What is that? With me, it’s blacking out.
I don’t know what it is with you.
(24:30 – 24:38)
You can discover it for yourself. Well, then don’t do it then. If you have an abnormal
reaction to alcohol, don’t do it.
(24:39 – 24:45)
Doctor, it really hurts when I do this. Does it? Well, then don’t do that. Okay, I ain’t going
to do that.
(24:45 – 24:51)
Okay, you have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. Don’t drink. Well, look, you’re drunk.
(24:52 – 24:58)
Well, I didn’t intend to get drunk. I’m not going to drink no more. Well, then look at you.
(24:58 – 25:02)
You’re drunk. You said you wasn’t going to drink anymore. Well, I don’t know.
(25:02 – 25:09)
I didn’t really intend to get drunk, and I just drink. I just had a few drinks, and I get
drunk. Well, look at you.
(25:09 – 25:17)
You’re drunk again. Well, why don’t you cut down? Why don’t you cut it down, right
down? Or I’m just going to drink when I get off work. Well, look at you.
(25:17 – 25:21)
You’re drunk again. Well, I only stop for a couple. Look, you’re drunk again.
(25:22 – 25:28)
You can’t stop drinking, and you can’t cut it down. Look, you’re drunk again. You have
got an abnormal reaction.
(25:28 – 25:33)
You don’t want to drink again, and now look at you. You’re drunk again. Well, I don’t
know what it is.
(25:33 – 25:50)
Well, the book talks about it on page 44. It says, if when you honestly want to, you find
you cannot quit entirely, or if when you’re drinking, you cannot control the amount you
take, you’re probably suffering from a disease called alcoholism. So here I’ve got an
abnormal reaction to alcohol, and I can’t stop doing it, and I can’t cut it down.
(25:50 – 26:04)
Well, I’m suffering from a disease called alcoholism. Well, what’s that? Well, a disease
called alcoholism is a twofold disease, mental and physical, mind and body. Well, what’s
that? Well, it’s an obsession of the mind, allergy of the body.
(26:05 – 26:16)
Obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. Well, what’s that? Well, it’s an obsession of
the mind, mental and physical. And what is an obsession? An obsession is a thought to
the exclusion of all else, including recovery.
(26:17 – 26:39)
A thought to the exclusion of all else, including recovery, and you see it every day. When
the obsession sucks you in, it takes away your ability to say no, so that then you have to
say yes, so that when you do say yes, you think you chose to or wanted to and you
didn’t. Once you take the first one, what happens then? We’ve got twofold disease.
(26:40 – 26:53)
The obsession of the mind, a thought turns to the obsession, the obsession takes away
my ability to say no, and then I drink. Once I drink, what happens? The allergy of the
body. What’s the allergy of the body? Phenomenon of craving.
(26:53 – 27:04)
Doctor describes it perfectly in the doctor’s opinion. Phenomenon of craving. What’s a
phenomenon of craving? A craving is a feeling, a feeling beyond my mental control.
(27:05 – 27:15)
So I have an obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. It’s a different allergy for the
alcoholic than it is for other allergies. I have a friend of mine, for example, who’s allergic
to abalone.
(27:16 – 27:34)
When he eats abalone, he breaks out. He breaks out and he gets sick and he knows that
happens, and in spite of himself, once in a great while he’ll eat abalone. If it’s catch of
the day or done in garlic or something like that, once in a while he’ll take a taste, he’ll be
tempted, and he’ll break out and go, God damn it, I knew that was going to happen,
what a dick.
(27:36 – 27:50)
But he don’t have to go to Abalone Anonymous. Because although he breaks out, it’s not
coupled with the mental obsession to eat buckets and buckets of abalone. He has an
allergy of the body, you see.
(27:50 – 27:57)
So I have a disease that’s twofold, mental and physical, mind and body. I have an
obsession of the mind. I know what an obsession is.
(27:57 – 28:07)
It’s a thought to the exclusion of all else, including recovery. I have an allergy of the
body, which is in the form of the phenomenon of craving. A craving is a feeling beyond
my mental control.
(28:07 – 28:21)
I cannot now think my way out of this thing. All right, so it says we learned, we had to
fully conceive to my innermost self that I’m an alcoholic. Now I’ve got some foundation
to make that assessment.
(28:21 – 28:30)
I’ve got alcoholic. I’m an alcoholic because I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. I can’t
stop drinking it, I can’t do anything about it.
(28:30 – 28:39)
I’ve got a body that mustn’t do it and a mind that won’t let me not do it. So I’ve got a
disease called alcoholism. A disease called alcoholism is a twofold disease, mental and
physical, mind and body.
(28:39 – 29:09)
Obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. Now I know what the hell’s wrong with me.
All right, page 20 of the beautiful book, if you want to read it, it says, if you are an
alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking, what do I have to do? So
I’m coming from the space of being an alcoholic to ask, what do I have to do? And when
alcoholics come to Alcoholics Anonymous, we tell them what we did about it, which is the
12 spiritual steps of the program, starting with step one.
(29:09 – 29:22)
So admitting that I’m an alcoholic is not step one. I have to come from a space of being
an alcoholic to ask, what do I have to do? Which is the 12 steps, which is step one. Starts
with step one.
(29:22 – 29:45)
But before we even get to that stage, we learn we had to fully concede to our innermost
self that we’re alcoholic. Well, what is my innermost self? If I don’t know what it is, how
the hell am I going to fully concede to it? What does it mean to fully concede? It must be
more than admitting it, because I can admit that I’m an alcoholic. I see people all the
time admitting that they’re alcoholic.
(29:46 – 30:01)
If you come to a liquor store down on Lancashire Boulevard in San Fernando Valley with
me, the first time the guy hit me up, I approached the liquor store and he put his hand
out. He went, give me a dollar, man, I’m an alcoholic, I’ve got to get a drink. He’s
admitting he’s alcoholic.
(30:01 – 30:23)
He’s accepted the fact that he’s alcoholic. He’s conceded, he’s using the fact that he’s
alcoholic to bum money to carry on drinking. Is it doing him any good? How many of us
don’t do that on a daily basis, hide behind the fact that we’re alcoholic? You know, we
screw up or something and say, well, what do you expect, I’m an alcoholic.
(30:27 – 30:37)
It doesn’t work, see, it doesn’t work. Fully concede to my innermost self. What is the
difference between fully conceding and admitting? And there’s a distinct difference.
(30:38 – 30:50)
One of the things is when I admit something to you, you know, I can change that
admittance tomorrow. I can admit to something else tomorrow. When I got to the
program of Alcoholics Anonymous, you guys asked me what I did for a living.
(30:50 – 30:57)
I told you I’m a thief. I admitted I was a thief. Where I came from, the bigger thief you
was, the more esteem you had.
(30:57 – 31:05)
I said I’m a thief. You said, wow. Well, admitting that I was a thief, what did that do? It
allowed me to rip you off.
(31:06 – 31:11)
And I did. People said, Mick, you ripped me off. I said, I know, I told you I was a thief.
(31:11 – 31:19)
That’s all it did. So admitting I’m an alcoholic, all that really does is allow me to be,
excuse my drinking. Doesn’t do no good.
(31:20 – 31:32)
So I can tell you today, I haven’t stolen, I don’t intend to steal, I haven’t stolen for many
years. The thought of being dishonest and stealing repulses me. I can stand before you
today and tell you that I’m no longer a thief.
(31:34 – 31:46)
Now when I admit that I’m an alcoholic, some people take back that admittance and
change their mind. They fall for the delusion that, well, you’re not really an alcoholic.
You’re not really an alcoholic.
(31:47 – 31:54)
The disease says to them this. The disease says, you’re not really an alcoholic. Look, you
were just going through a rough patch.
(31:55 – 31:59)
You’re all right now. You’re over the hump. Look, you’re not a real alcoholic.
(31:59 – 32:05)
Look, he’s a real alcoholic, that dick over there. You’re not like him. See? No, that’s right.
(32:06 – 32:08)
That’s right. I’m not. I was just going through a rough patch.
(32:08 – 32:49)
I could have a nice cold one on a hot day and take a drink. Now what happens? What
happens when we fall for the delusion of believing a lie and we take a little sippy-poo on
one of those little slippy-poos? What happens two seconds after you take that first drink?
That same disease that just told you you wasn’t an alcoholic now goes, Ha-ha! What a
dick! Drinking again, ha-ha! Screwed up again. Look at you now, drinking again.
(32:49 – 33:02)
What an idiot! Well, you’re a bloody newcomer again now. I’ve got you again. And then
what does the disease say? Well, you might as well really get shit-faced now.
(33:04 – 33:19)
Might as well hang one on. The delusion has to be smashed. What is it to fully concede?
It has to be different to admitting, What is my innermost self? I’ve got to know what that
is.
(33:20 – 33:35)
Well, I’ll refer back to the book. When you look at the big book, and this is my description
of fully conceding, the difference, which is between fully conceding and admitting. And
we’ve got some senior folk in the room tonight, may even remember what I’m going to
talk about.
(33:35 – 33:48)
On page one of the beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s Bill’s story. You can check
this out, it’s right here. On page one it says, This war fever ran high in the New England
town in which us new young officers from Plattsville were assigned.
(33:48 – 33:56)
It goes on to say, We landed in England. I visited Winchester Cathedral. It goes on to say,
22 and a veteran of foreign wars.
(33:57 – 34:23)
He’s talking about the First World War in Europe, the 1914-18 World War, where Kaiser
Wilhelm was rampaging through Europe, going to take over the world. Now, young men
were getting slaughtered on the shores of France and other places there, two million to
be precise. And you American chaps came over and you kicked the German Army’s arse
and you saved our bacon.
(34:24 – 34:39)
And I’m real glad you did, and we thank you for that. You kicked the German Army’s arse
and that German Army, they were defeated. They admitted that defeat, they accepted
that defeat, and they surrendered to the German, to the American advance forces.
(34:42 – 34:54)
Well, I was born in 1943, during the height of the Blitz in England, London, England,
Second World War. The Blitz was on. Some of you guys may have been over there.
(34:56 – 35:08)
Hitler, little dickhead Hitler, he was rampaging through Europe, going to take over the
world. But you weren’t going for that. You guys came over and kicked his arse.
(35:09 – 35:15)
Saved our bacon, man. And I’m glad you did, and we thank you very much for that. But
that wasn’t the first time you guys did that.
(35:17 – 35:41)
In the First World War, when you defeated that German Army, and they admitted defeat,
and they accepted that defeat, and they surrendered. They admitted that defeat, they
accepted that defeat, and they surrendered. But did they fully concede? Did they shit?
They came back in 1939, and did it all over again.
(35:41 – 35:56)
And when little Hitler came along, and said, let’s go storming into Poland, they said,
yeah, whoop-de-doo. And then let’s go into Czechoslovakia, and take over the rest too.
Nobody had fully conceded, so nobody said, whoa, wait a minute.
(35:57 – 36:05)
We did that in 1418, and them yanks came over, and kicked our arse. We ain’t gonna do
that no more. They’ll do it again, for Christ’s sake.
(36:06 – 36:18)
Nobody said that, because they hadn’t fully conceded. They’d admitted, accepted, and
surrendered, but they hadn’t fully conceded, so they did it again, just like we do here.
Fully conceded is a totally different thing to admitted.
(36:19 – 36:25)
I gotta fully concede. To fully concede to something, is once I fully concede, it’s done. It’s
a done deal.
(36:25 – 36:30)
It’s to the stone. It is never gonna be changed. There is never no going back.
(36:30 – 36:36)
There is never no debating, no arguing, no questioning about it. It’s no debate going on.
It’s a done deal.
(36:36 – 36:48)
I’m fully conceded to my innermost self. What is my innermost self? It can’t be what I
think. We hear people say, whoa, what do you honestly think? Can’t be that.
(36:49 – 36:54)
Well, your truth. Can’t be my truth. Well, it’s like your inner, your feelings.
(36:55 – 37:05)
What? How can it be any of that stuff? What I really think, I wrote a word. Shit, that’s why
I use it so much. Shit.
(37:05 – 37:12)
S-H-I-T. Simply how I think. You know, I can’t rely on that.
(37:13 – 37:24)
The doctor tells me the disease lays mainly in my mind. What I do with my mind is think.
So if the disease lays in my mind and what I do with my mind is think, there’s a good
chance that my thinking’s diseased.
(37:24 – 37:33)
That ain’t hard to work out, is it? I can’t rely on that, can I? Well, your truth. Truth? What
truth? I’m a liar, a cheat, and a thief. I speak with a forked tongue.
(37:34 – 37:47)
I’ll tell a lie any chance I get, especially to take an advantage. Well, your innermost
feelings. Feelings? Feelings? I can’t rely on my bloody feelings.
(37:48 – 37:56)
At best, my feelings are going to change. I’ve got a jackal-eyed personality. I have mood
swings.
(37:57 – 38:08)
Feelings? My heart’s been broken many times and will be again. I’m a delicate dude, for
Christ’s sake. I can’t rely on my feelings.
(38:11 – 38:21)
Can I rely on that? Any life based run on their feelings is doomed, alcoholic liar. I can’t
rely on my feelings. I’ve got to act better than I feel.
(38:22 – 38:25)
I can’t rely on that. You guys have taught me that. I can’t run around it.
(38:25 – 38:32)
Some days I feel like killing your sick butt. Some days I feel like drinking. I can’t rely on
that.
(38:35 – 38:46)
So we talk about our innermost self. What is that? Well, I’ve got to get it somewhere
where I can fully concede to it, which is my gut. We talk about our gut level honesty.
(38:47 – 38:57)
And how do I get in touch with my gut level honesty? Well, we commit it to paper. We go
back like the 12 and 12 talks about. We go back in our drinking histories, like it says
here.
(38:57 – 39:07)
And long before we realised it, we saw years before we realised it, we were already out
of control in the grips of a fatal progression. Long before we realised it. As we go back,
we commit it to paper.
(39:07 – 39:21)
And when we write it down, three things occur. One is that when we write shit down,
we’re being as honest as it’s possible for us to be. Which may not in and of itself be
totally honest, but it’s at least the best we know how and nobody asked better.
(39:22 – 39:35)
Plus, when we’re writing it down, 85% of the pressure involved in what we’re doing
disappears. So now we’re not coming from that intensity. Plus, when we’re writing it
down, we’re formulating a record.
(39:36 – 39:50)
And like your great man said, let’s consult the record. And we go back in our drinking
histories and we write down what it is. And if we’ve got this abnormal reaction like my
blacking out, I start writing down the occasions of blacking out.
(39:50 – 40:00)
And I see that long before I even realised it, it was no mere habit. It was already the start
of a fatal progression going way back. Look, the 60s, the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, for
Christ’s sake.
(40:00 – 40:04)
Back and back and back. Look, this isn’t just something that just happened. I’ve got a
record of events.
(40:05 – 40:09)
There’s no denying this. It’s down on paper. I can fully concede to my innermost self.
(40:09 – 40:14)
This is it. This ain’t no just little slip of the tongue. You know, here it is.
(40:14 – 40:25)
And if you’re like me, as we consult, as we write down, I start looking at it and I go, wow,
look, I’ve written this before, for Christ’s sake. And I flip back. Oh yeah, look, there it is.
(40:25 – 40:28)
There, look. Tuesday. Tuesday afternoon.
(40:28 – 40:31)
Look. Shit, there it is again there. Tuesday, look.
(40:32 – 40:37)
Tuesdays. Look, third Tuesday of the month. What? Third? Bloody hell.
(40:37 – 40:47)
I don’t do well on the third Tuesdays of the month. You know what I mean? So I can now
take precautions to avoid it. Now I can learn to fully concede to my innermost self.
(40:47 – 40:55)
I’m alcoholic. I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. And this is what I’m… This is a deal
that I have fully conceded to my innermost self.
(40:55 – 41:00)
I’m not just admitting it, thinking that it may change tomorrow. No. This is a done deal.
(41:01 – 41:12)
I’m admitting that I’m fully conceding to my innermost… And it says we learned. We
learned we had to. One of the most common things I hear in AA, it’s not we learned.
(41:13 – 41:23)
I work with a lot of newcomers. You know what I hear more than anything else? It’s not
we learned. Can we learn? Can we ask? It’s I know.
(41:24 – 41:28)
Everybody knows everything. You got to go to meetings. I know.
(41:28 – 41:30)
You got to get a big book. I know. I know.
(41:30 – 41:33)
I know. Got to get a sponsor. Got to work the steps.
(41:33 – 41:35)
I know. I know. I know.
(41:36 – 41:41)
Usually followed by yeah but. I know. Yeah but.
(41:41 – 41:49)
The mating call of arseholes. Well it don’t say I know. No it says we learned.
(41:51 – 42:03)
And that’s what we’re doing here aren’t we? We’re coming here to try and learn
something. Now I’ve been spouting off now for 45 minutes and I haven’t even got to the
first step yet. There’s a whole step that we need to know and appreciate long before we
even get to the first step.
(42:04 – 42:16)
And if we don’t know that, well 95% folks are not making it. 95% of people who get to
Alcoholics Anonymous are not making it over the long haul and that’s far too many. So
we’re trying to do something about it.
(42:16 – 42:27)
And this is what we’re doing. Let’s take a break and when we come back we’ll have a
real good strong hit with the first step. Alright folks, my name’s Mickey Bush and we’re
going to continue again.
(42:27 – 42:31)
I’m still an alcoholic. Hi everybody. Okay.
(42:32 – 42:38)
Powerless. The first step. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had
become unmanageable.
(42:38 – 42:50)
What does that mean? What does it mean to be powerless over alcohol? I ask folk, they
don’t know. I ask them what they mean, they don’t know. They think they do, they don’t
know.
(42:50 – 42:57)
They say things like it can’t control my drinking. If it was about control we would have
written control. I’m powerless over alcohol.
(42:58 – 43:09)
What the hell does that mean? What does it mean to be powerless over alcohol? Not
people, places and things. Alcohol. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol.
(43:10 – 43:30)
Now bear in mind we’ve already gone to the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and read on
page 20 where it says if you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it you may already
be asking what do we have to do. Well, I want to get over it. What do I have to do?
Twelve steps.
(43:31 – 43:49)
Starting with step one. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had
become unmanageable. What does that mean? If I don’t know what it means how the
hell can I do it? When I ask folk are you an alcoholic? Yeah, I’m an alcoholic.
(43:49 – 44:03)
Well, what’s that? Well, I’m one. Well, what does it mean to be an alcoholic? Well, I’m an
alcoholic. If you know what it means how’s it going to work for you? You try going to
court.
(44:03 – 44:16)
My sponsor is a judge. You try going to court and standing in that court and saying I
plead guilty as charged, Your Honour but I don’t know what the hell guilty means. He’ll
say get the hell out of here and go and get a barrister or a lawyer or something.
(44:16 – 44:22)
You know, I can’t accept that plea. So I need to know this stuff. It’s important that I know
this stuff.
(44:23 – 44:30)
Powerless over alcohol. What does that mean? To be powerless over alcohol. Alcohol.
(44:30 – 44:34)
Not people, places, things. Not other things. We’re focusing in on alcohol.
(44:35 – 44:51)
I am powerless over alcohol. Well, say what? Can’t use, did everybody hear? Can’t use
self-will or knowledge. That’s a little part of the deal.
(44:52 – 45:13)
You can’t use self-will or knowledge on diarrhoea either. See, when I say I’m powerless
over alcohol I also have to add on something else otherwise I’m only giving you half the
deal. It’s kind of like me saying well, I’m powerless over Mike Tyson.
(45:13 – 45:30)
I couldn’t beat Mike Tyson. If I was to tell you I can’t beat Mike Tyson that may be true
but it’s only half the deal if I don’t also add but he can flatten me. I’ve got to tell you I
can’t beat him but he can beat me.
(45:31 – 45:48)
And when I’m powerless over alcohol I’m powerless over alcohol but the disease of
alcoholism is more powerful than me. I’m powerless over alcohol. If I say that I’m already
conceding that there’s a power greater than myself.
(45:48 – 45:57)
Alcohol, if I’m powerless over alcohol then it’s more powerful than I am. So I’m already
conceding that it’s a power greater than myself but it’s a negative power. I can’t get any
recovery from that.
(45:58 – 46:14)
I’m powerless over alcohol. Now if God is the source and God is the power of everything
and I’m powerless over alcohol it means that I have no God in my life when it comes to
alcohol. Not other things.
(46:15 – 46:27)
I have a God in the rest of my life. In fact I go to church, I get on my knees and pray, I
have kids, I send them to school, I do all kinds of other things. But as far as alcohol is
concerned I’m powerless.
(46:27 – 46:40)
And if God is the source and God is the power of everything and I’m powerless over
alcohol it means I have no God in my life when I come to alcohol. I can’t get any recovery
from that. I am powerless over alcohol.
(46:41 – 46:51)
Now the description I give of powerlessness is not in this book. I can’t find it in this book
and I can’t find it in this twelve and twelve. I can’t find it anywhere written down.
(46:52 – 47:00)
If you can, please let me know. I would love to have a reference point. But here’s the
description that I give of powerlessness.
(47:01 – 47:15)
Powerless over alcohol because it makes me do shit that I don’t want to do, including it.
Drinking and using. It makes me do shit that I don’t want to do, including drinking it.
(47:15 – 47:42)
I’m powerless over it because it makes me do what I already don’t want to do. Now, who
among us in the room haven’t been in a place where every desire in the world is to not
drink, where every fiber of our body is against drinking, everything about me screams
out about not drinking. When I absolutely don’t want to drink, I end up drinking anyway.
(47:42 – 48:03)
Who’s done that? No shit. Now that description’s not in that book, but every hand in this
room went up. See, when I absolutely don’t want to do it, when every fiber of my body is
against doing it, when every desire I got in the world is to not do it, the disease makes
me do it anyway.
(48:03 – 48:16)
And I end up drunk. I got a disease that makes me do what I already don’t want to do.
When I already don’t want to do it, I got a disease that makes me do it.
(48:16 – 48:23)
I don’t just do it. I got a disease that makes me do it. Now, our book don’t say that.
(48:24 – 48:42)
Our book tells me that that will happen, and it tells me the consequences of what will
happen, but it doesn’t tell me that the disease is going to make me do what I already
don’t want to do. And then we get the lip flappers. The lip flappers who say shit like,
Well, I choose not to drink today.
(48:44 – 48:54)
How the hell do you do that? Where does that come from? I don’t know where some of
this shit comes from. It ain’t in the book. I choose not to drink today.
(48:54 – 49:04)
Where the hell does that come from? It ain’t in the book. In fact, the book says I’ve lost
the power of choice in drink. Some people, just say no.
(49:05 – 49:15)
Where the hell does that come from either? Just say no. Well, screw Nancy Reagan. Just
say no.
(49:16 – 49:25)
Just say no to a dude like me. Just say no. It may work for a six-year-old kid that ain’t
crossed over the invisible line, but it don’t work for a full-blown owkie like me.
(49:26 – 49:30)
I will drink and use no matter what. No, I won’t. Just say no.
(49:31 – 49:45)
I don’t know where this shit comes from. Just say no to a dude like me is like telling that
homeless dude on the corner, Hey, homeless dude, just get a house. Get a bloody house,
homeless dude.
(49:45 – 49:59)
What the hell are you doing? You prick, if I could get a house, I wouldn’t be homeless.
No, and if I could just say no, I wouldn’t be an alcoholic either. Oh, I can say it, but I can’t
rely on it.
(50:00 – 50:04)
I can choose not to drink. That’s easy. I can’t rely on it, though.
(50:05 – 50:10)
I did it three times in one day once. It’s easy to do that. Can’t rely on the bastard.
(50:11 – 50:20)
Because I’ve got a disease that I’m powerless over. I’ve got a disease that’s more
powerful than my choice not to do it. And I’ve got news for you.
(50:20 – 50:35)
If you’re standing outside a liquor store, you better have more going for you than the
fact that you don’t want to do it. I can’t rely on the fact that I don’t want to do it. My book
tells me you will reach a stage where every damn desire in the world will be of absolutely
no avail.
(50:36 – 50:52)
So I’ve got to not want to do it, and then do these steps and this work, so that I don’t do
what I already don’t want to do. And if I don’t do these steps and this work, I will do what
I already don’t want to do. The disease will make me do what I already don’t want to do.
(50:53 – 51:11)
I don’t just cruise along and just like, whoops, have a little slippy-poo. I’ve got a disease
whose sole goal and aim in life is to get me to drink. Its sole goal and aim of the disease
is to get an alcoholic to drink 24-7.
(51:11 – 51:19)
That’s all it’s concentrating on. Totally. Not what you do after you drink, like some people
say, well, once I take the first drink, they’re better.
(51:19 – 51:30)
Who gives a crap after you’ve took the first drink? The disease don’t. The disease don’t
give a shit what you do after you took the first drink. It knows just having the disease will
take care of that.
(51:31 – 51:39)
It’s got to get you to take that first drink. And it will do anything to get you to do that. So
I can’t rely on my choice not to do it.
(51:39 – 52:01)
I’ve got to not want to do it and then do these steps and this work so that I don’t do it.
See? Because I’m powerless over it. I am powerless over alcohol.
I am powerless over alcoholism. What’s the difference? I’m powerless over both. Alcohol,
alcoholism.
I’ve got to understand this. I’m powerless over alcoholism. I’m powerless over alcohol.
(52:01 – 52:15)
What’s the difference? Alcoholism’s in me. Alcohol’s in the bottle. Alcoholism comes first.
Alcohol comes second. I’m powerless over alcoholism that gets me to do it. And then I’m
powerless over it once I drink it.
(52:15 – 52:24)
See? Powerless over alcohol, powerless over alcoholism. Because I’ve got a body that
mustn’t do it and a mind that won’t let me not do it. And then once I do it, I can’t stop
from doing it.
(52:24 – 52:33)
And then once I’m doing it, I can’t stop doing it. All this is not just like, you know, lipflapping shit. This is all important stuff that we need to know.
(52:34 – 52:45)
So I’m powerless. I’m powerless because I have no power. I have no power.
I’m powerless over alcohol. I’ve no God in my life when it comes to alcohol. Alcohol.
(52:45 – 52:57)
That’s why this book and our literature is so pertinent that we have to hit bottom. Every
alcoholic has to hit bottom. Because until he so hits bottom, he doesn’t reach out for the
power.
(52:58 – 53:24)
Because while we’re trying to do it ourselves or while we think we can just choose or why
all that other stuff, I’m not turning to the power. Now most alcoholics of my kind, maybe
yours as well, certainly the kind in this book, The Last Gaspers and other people, they
reach a stage in their drinking careers where they hit bottom. And where they hit bottom
is to that degree where they scream out in some desperation, in some capacity, for help.
(53:25 – 53:40)
Sometimes it’s like, God, what the fuck am I going to do? Help me! Who’s done that? Of
course. Now we’re asking for the help. We’re reaching to the power.
(53:41 – 53:56)
The power that’s in the rest of our life, but not as far as alcohol, because we haven’t
invited him in as far as alcohol, specifically as far as alcohol is concerned. God’s in the
rest of our life, no doubt about that. But as far as alcohol, he waits for us to ask for help.
(53:56 – 54:05)
And once we ask for help, what can I do? What’s going on? Help me, for Christ’s sake. He
immediately springs into action. The power.
(54:05 – 54:26)
Now our book tells us that in all alcoholics we have some underlying belief and faith in a
power. Whatever your belief and faith in whatever it may have been, I have no truck with
that, Alcoholics Anonymous has no truck with anything that anybody believes. It’s one of
the phenomenons that I love about Alcoholics Anonymous.
(54:27 – 54:49)
Alcoholics Anonymous has no truck with anybody’s preference in any way, shape or
form. See, in fact, our 12 steps, you know, our 12 steps, our 12 spiritual steps, is claimed
by every known denomination known to man, claims our 12 steps came from their
teachings. Be it the Bible or the Koran or the scriptures or whatever it might be.
(54:49 – 55:13)
Every known denomination known to man claimed that our 12 steps came from their
teachings. And they probably did. I mean, Bill was a bloody crook.
He probably stole them from everyone. You know what I mean? So, you know, that’s
what we got started from, wasn’t it? We got started by a crook stockbroker and a bloody
butt doctor. Because that’s what Dr. Bob, you know, that’s what Dr. Bob was.
(55:14 – 55:21)
People talk about Dr. Bob, you know, but he was a real prick, Dr. Bob. He was a real
alcoholic prick. He was an arrogant prick too.
(55:23 – 55:44)
But you know what? When we turn to the power and we hit bottom, we ask the power,
whatever or whoever that power is, and whatever you call it, has no effect on me
whatsoever. I don’t care what noun you use to describe the power that you have, or the
understanding of the God. But we turn to whatever that is and we ask for the help.
(55:44 – 55:55)
And I used to think that it was the understanding, the God of my understanding that
helped me. That was what was doing it for me. Until I realized it wasn’t.
(55:55 – 56:04)
The second step taught me that. Came to believe that a power greater than myself could
restore me to sanity. Well, I turned to God as I understand God.
(56:05 – 56:14)
And He gave me the power. He directed me to you. He directed me to Alcoholics
Anonymous, which was the power greater than myself.
(56:14 – 56:19)
He sent me to the doctor. It wasn’t him. He sent me to the power.
(56:19 – 56:26)
And here was the power. Me plus you was a power greater than myself. You plus us was
a power greater than yourself.
(56:26 – 56:38)
Here it was. I turned to God as I understood God. The belief I had in God, which
anybody’s belief is okay with us, I turned to that and He then snapped into action and
put me among you.
(56:38 – 56:43)
He put me where He wanted me to be. And it was among you guys. And here was the
power.
(56:43 – 56:46)
Right here, right now. Our book talks about it. I believe it.
(56:46 – 56:56)
And I got sober as a result of it. I was powerless over alcohol until I turned to the power
and asked for the help. And then the power came into my life.
(56:56 – 57:04)
Because until I turned to that power, I was powerless. My mind being unmanageable was
the mental stage. My life was unmanageable.
(57:04 – 57:07)
I had great qualities. I had great talents. I had great earning potential.
(57:07 – 57:13)
And yet I owed everybody. I was broke, busted, disgusted and not to be trusted. I
couldn’t sit down and manage my own affairs.
(57:14 – 57:26)
My car wasn’t in the shop, was in the shop. My mother, my child was like exing me.
Every concept of everything was out of order when I got here.
(57:27 – 57:47)
And you know what? I sponsored people that are mega-buck millionaires. How can you
tell a man who’s a legend in his own lifetime that his life’s unmanageable? But you know
what? He’s a fully-fledged member of this program. Why? How is his life unmanageable?
Because if you understand this, you may understand.
(57:49 – 58:05)
Even for us, when everything’s okay, it just doesn’t seem to be okay. Even when
everything I got is more than anybody else has got, it never seems to be enough. She
never seems to love me enough.
(58:05 – 58:15)
I never seem to have enough money. My record, although it’s gold, it hasn’t gone gold
quickly enough. I never seem to be okay with what I got.
(58:15 – 58:22)
I seem to be restless, irritable and discontented. Unmanageable. My mental state, that’s
the unmanageability.
(58:23 – 58:35)
So I’m powerless over alcohol because it makes me do what I already don’t want to do.
But I do have a way out. How can I not have a way out? I’m clean and sober 13 years.
(58:36 – 58:39)
Well, here it is. Here’s the way out. I come among you.
(58:40 – 58:46)
Here’s the power. Me plus you is a power greater than me. You plus us is a power
greater than you.
(58:46 – 58:54)
I come here. We stay sober, I get drunk. Two alcoholics come together for the purpose of
recovery.
(58:54 – 59:10)
Without the third factor, which is for the purpose of recovery, alcoholics hanging out with
each other don’t mean shit. We talk about alcoholics and we talk about the fellowship,
but there’s two Alcoholics Anonymouses. There’s the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and
there’s the fellowship Alcoholics Anonymous.
(59:10 – 59:20)
One treats the disease of alcoholism and one doesn’t. The 12 steps treat the disease of
alcoholism. The fellowship doesn’t treat the disease of alcoholism.
(59:20 – 59:34)
What the fellowship does is treat the symptoms to the disease. If I’m all feeling angst
and in fear, I can come here and be among you, go to a meeting, sit down, be safe and
feel okay even calm. That’s the symptom of the disease.
(59:35 – 59:44)
But it doesn’t do shit for what’s causing it. I liken it to taking an aspirin for a headache. I
have a headache, I take an aspirin, headache goes away.
(59:46 – 59:54)
Aspirin wears off, headache comes back. Take another aspirin, headache goes away. But
the headache is a symptom of the underlying issue.
(59:55 – 1:00:10)
Sooner or later I’ve got to go and have my eyes tested or my blood checked or do
something about what’s causing the headache because taking the aspirin is not going to
keep doing it. And that’s what the fellowship is all about and going to the meetings.
Sooner or later I’ve got to start working these steps to treat the disease.
(1:00:11 – 1:00:23)
Otherwise cruising meetings doesn’t work. Alcoholics hanging out with alcoholics doesn’t
do shit unless we’ve got the third factor which is for the purpose of recovery. You can go
down to any skid row and find that out.
(1:00:24 – 1:00:34)
Go down in any skid row in any town in any country you like and you’ll find alcoholics
hanging out with each other. Alcoholics have always hung out with each other. They love
hanging out with each other.
(1:00:34 – 1:00:46)
Don’t do shit. Not without the third factor which is for the purpose of recovery. And we
know that when alcoholics come together for the purpose of recovery, God comes in our
midst and creates a power greater than either of us.
(1:00:46 – 1:00:53)
So it’s produced by us but it’s greater than us. And we can absolutely rely on it. Our book
tells us so and I believe it and I’m living proof of it.
(1:00:53 – 1:01:02)
We have a way out that we can absolutely agree upon. And it seems to work pretty
damn good for alcoholics. It certainly does for this one.
(1:01:02 – 1:01:14)
So I liken it really as well to water. H2O, this water that we’ve got here, they’re lifesustaining. The formula for water is H2O.
(1:01:15 – 1:01:21)
Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen, water. Life-sustaining. Same with us alcoholics.
(1:01:22 – 1:01:29)
Two alcoholics, one God, power. Two alcoholics, one God, power. Now I have the power.
(1:01:30 – 1:01:37)
What are you doing here? I’ve come here, what for? To believe. What in? A power greater
than myself. Why? To restore me to sanity.
(1:01:37 – 1:01:49)
Restore you to sanity, what do you mean? Well, to be restored to sanity means you must
be somewhere else other than sane. I’m from London, England. If I want to return or
restore to London, I’ve got to be somewhere else other than London.
(1:01:50 – 1:01:57)
I can’t return to London if I’m already there. So to be restored to sanity means I’ve got to
be somewhere else other than sane. Insane.
(1:01:58 – 1:02:16)
What’s the insanity we talk about? The insanity we talk about in Alcoholics Anonymous,
whatever the precise and exact definition may or may not be, what seems to be covering
it for us is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result. Drinking. So if I
can be restored to sanity means I don’t have to drink anymore.
(1:02:17 – 1:02:25)
I can come here, be among you, and not have to drink anymore. You show me it, it’s
here. The first meeting I ever went to, the guy was insane leading the meeting.
(1:02:25 – 1:02:35)
There was a guy there with 30 years, a guy there with 4 months, a girl there with 16
days. There was alcoholics staying together and staying sober. And not drinking.
(1:02:36 – 1:02:50)
What are you doing here? I’ve come here to believe. What inner power grade myself?
Here it is right here. Not only could I be among you, you know, I could touch it, feel it, be
a part of it, and you guys told me, we love you, keep coming back.
(1:02:55 – 1:03:03)
Alright, so we come to the third step. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to
the care of God, as I’ve understood God. Well, what a step.
(1:03:04 – 1:03:09)
So I’m powerless in the first step. In the second step I get shown a power. I have a
power.
(1:03:10 – 1:03:21)
Now I’m going to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as
I’ve understood God. It’s the first time God gets mentioned in the steps. In the first two
steps he doesn’t mention higher power.
(1:03:22 – 1:03:28)
It doesn’t mention Buddha or Jesus or any of that stuff. It says a power grade in
ourselves. Right here.
(1:03:28 – 1:03:39)
Now we come to the third step, which says, made a decision to turn my will and my life
over to the care of God, as I’ve understood God. Understood. Not understand.
(1:03:40 – 1:03:48)
Understood. Understood is a past tense word. It’s a past tense word because the
understanding has come from the second step.
(1:03:50 – 1:04:03)
Understood. So what is my will and my life? If I’m going to decide to turn my will and my
life over to the power of God, as I’ve understood God, I better know what that is. What is
that? I ask folk, they don’t know.
(1:04:03 – 1:04:14)
What is your will and your life? Well, I don’t know. I guess it’s what I’m going to do or,
you know, thy will for me. They don’t know.
(1:04:14 – 1:04:27)
Well, it’s important that we do know. If I’m going to make a decision to turn my will and
my life over to the care of God, as I’ve understood God, I better have an understanding
of God to do that with, and I better know what my will and my life is. It’s no good if I
don’t.
(1:04:28 – 1:04:33)
And it can’t be my life giving my life to God. That don’t work. It don’t say that anyway.
(1:04:33 – 1:04:51)
It says to the care. Not giving my life to God. Why would I give my life back to the giver
of it? Why would I do that? If God gave me this life and this gift of life and gift of sobriety,
why would I give it back to him? That wouldn’t be nice, would it? To give a look of gift to
us in the mouth.
(1:04:52 – 1:04:57)
We don’t like that. No one does. So if God gave me life, why would I give it back to him?
It don’t say that.
(1:04:57 – 1:05:05)
It says to the care of God. Totally different thing. What is my will and my life? Well, we
talked about a twofold disease.
(1:05:05 – 1:05:08)
Mental and physical. Mind and body. Same again.
(1:05:09 – 1:05:12)
Will and life. My will is my thinking. My life is my actions.
(1:05:13 – 1:05:18)
Well, guess what? We’ve got to live in the now. We live in the now. Because it’s N-O-W.
(1:05:18 – 1:05:28)
No other way. Well, I’ve got to live in the now, but I don’t seem to be able to live in the
now most of the time because I’m carrying around all this guilt, shame and remorse from
yesterday. It seems to screw up my now.
(1:05:29 – 1:05:44)
I’m living in the now, but I’ve got all this stuff going on that I regret and remorse. And
I’ve got to live in the now, but I can’t live in the now because I’ve got all this fear, worry
and anxiety about tomorrow. I don’t think I’m going to get laid again and I don’t think I’m
going to get any money.
(1:05:44 – 1:05:51)
God damn it, man. I don’t know what the hell’s going on, for Christ’s sake. So I can’t live
in the now because I’ve got all this fear, worry and anxiety about tomorrow.
(1:05:51 – 1:06:01)
And I can’t live in the now because I’ve got all this guilt, shame and remorse from
yesterday. And you know the old analogy. If you’ve got one foot in yesterday and one
foot in the future, you’re in the perfect position to pee on today.
(1:06:02 – 1:06:17)
You know that. So what have I got to do? Make a decision to turn my will and my life over
to the care of God as I’ve understood God. Well, if this is the source and this is the
power, what is that? Well, here’s the power that I’m going to come to you chaps.
(1:06:18 – 1:06:26)
I’m going to come to you guys and I’m going to ask you, teach me what you do. My
thinking, I’m going to learn what you tell me. Learn what you’ve done.
(1:06:26 – 1:06:36)
How have you done that? Will you teach me how to stay clean and sober? That’s my
thinking. I’m going to come here and learn what you know how to do. And then I’m going
to do it.
(1:06:36 – 1:06:42)
That’s my action. My will is my thinking, my life is my action. I’m going to learn what you
guys teach me and then I’m going to do it.
(1:06:42 – 1:06:47)
It’s a doing program. It’s a doing and a giving. Not a getting, it’s a doing and a giving.
(1:06:48 – 1:06:56)
So my will is my thinking, my life is my actions. So I’m going to learn what you do and
then I’m going to do it. Because here’s the power.
(1:06:57 – 1:07:10)
But I can’t just do that just for what I’m doing now because I want the freedom of being
able to release from the past and fear of the future. So it has to be threefold. Past,
present and future.
(1:07:10 – 1:07:23)
See, my thinking is everything I wish I’d done, would like to be doing and hope I’ll do. My
actions is everything I did and doing and will do. Everything I have done and doing and
will do.
(1:07:23 – 1:07:33)
Past, present and future. Otherwise I can’t live in the now because I’m going to be
carrying around guilt, shame and remorse or fear, worry and anxiety. So I’ve got to make
a decision to do all this over to that power.
(1:07:34 – 1:07:42)
What a concept. Holy shit. But it ain’t difficult, is it? Not when we fully conceive.
(1:07:42 – 1:07:50)
Not when we got what we got here, the tools of this program. This powerlessness. The
powerlessness of not being able to do anything.
(1:07:50 – 1:08:03)
The disease. The powerlessness of the disease. Any questions so far? Is this pretty
simple stuff for you guys? It’s not hard, is it? It’s not difficult.
(1:08:07 – 1:08:19)
You know I play with words and it’s, you know, just the way I describe the now is N-O-W,
no other way. For us there’s no other way than staying in the now. We have to stay in
the now, one day at a time.
(1:08:19 – 1:08:26)
That’s where every 24 hours comes from. That’s why we say all that, you know. Because
anybody can carry their load for 24 hours.
(1:08:27 – 1:08:48)
It seems to be, if you were to tell me that I can’t drink for the rest of my life, you know,
I’d probably say, What’s this, mother? You know, if you tell me that you think you can
just put the plug in the jug for a day, well, see, you can’t do that. It seems to be what we
know how to do. The powerlessness.
(1:08:48 – 1:08:58)
I’m powerless over alcohol. I’m powerless over this disease. I’m powerless over a disease
called alcohol because it makes me do what I already don’t want to do.
(1:08:59 – 1:09:09)
It makes me do it. I have a disease that makes me do what I already don’t want to do.
And I can’t just rely on choosing not to do it.
(1:09:10 – 1:09:21)
I just can’t do that. So now, what’s that power going to consist of? The power that I come
here to be among you. The power.
(1:09:21 – 1:09:29)
What are you doing here? I’ve come here to be among you guys. God directed me here.
Whatever you call God, I don’t have any qualms with that.
(1:09:29 – 1:09:51)
None whatsoever. You know, God to me, you know, when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous,
the God of my understanding, you know, I’ve been raised a certain way, and I don’t
criticize or judge that today, but, you know, it didn’t work for me. When I got here, I
didn’t have an understanding.
(1:09:51 – 1:10:16)
Like page 93 of the book says, it says he can have any concept he wants, providing it
makes sense to him. Now, when I ask folk, what is that sense, what is it, the sense that
makes sense to you, what is it, the understanding, the perception of a power greater
than yourself, that makes sense to you? Give it to me. Give me your understanding of
God, that you understand God.
(1:10:16 – 1:10:21)
Give it to me. Explain it to me. Because it says provided it makes sense to him.
(1:10:21 – 1:10:26)
Now, when I ask folk, it don’t. They can’t make sense. I say, what is it? And they go, well,
it’s God.
(1:10:26 – 1:10:33)
I say, well, what is that? Well, what do you mean? What’s God? Yeah, what is it? Give it
to me. Explain it to me. Tell me what it makes sense to you.
(1:10:34 – 1:10:38)
Well, God’s God. Yeah, OK. I don’t care what you call it.
(1:10:38 – 1:10:42)
Call it what the hell you like. God is a noun. God is a name.
(1:10:43 – 1:10:47)
Call it whatever you like. I don’t care what you call it. Call it bloody Mishiginovich if you
like.
(1:10:47 – 1:10:56)
I don’t care, you know. I have no problem with you calling it what you like. I mean, I
happen to like God, because God to me is group of drunks or group of drug addicts.
(1:10:56 – 1:11:12)
I like that. In the original concept of it for this alcoholic, it was like I used to hear people
say God and what have you, and I didn’t have any concept of God. The God that I’d been
brought up with, the understanding I had of God, I mean, I long ago had abandoned that
idea.
(1:11:12 – 1:11:22)
I couldn’t do nothing with that God. That God that I had been brought up with, that was a
fearful, punishing, threatening God. I mean, that God was out to get me on every level.
(1:11:22 – 1:11:33)
No matter what I did, I was going to be gotten for it. I mean, that God was out to get me.
They told me, I mean, I couldn’t even play with the old ding-a-ling, for Christ’s sake.
(1:11:34 – 1:11:42)
They said, you play with that God, he’ll strike you blind. Oh, shoot. Well, you know I did
anyway.
(1:11:44 – 1:11:57)
When I found out how good it felt, I thought, well, I’ll risk one eye. See, I wanted a softer,
easier way even then, you see. But I long ago abandoned that God.
(1:11:57 – 1:12:07)
I wasn’t going to go for none of that punishing, threatening God. I didn’t understand a
God of your understanding, which you was telling me about. No one had ever said that to
me until I came here.
(1:12:07 – 1:12:21)
I didn’t know that I could have a God walk in the sunlight of the Spirit. I didn’t know
anything about that. I had this fearful, and I wasn’t going to do nothing with that, but
little things along the way helped me as the process started working.
(1:12:21 – 1:12:32)
And I used to walk around with this book, and I didn’t feel like I was very spiritual. And
I’m a puker, for Christ’s sake. I talked about it last night.
(1:12:32 – 1:12:37)
I’m a puker. I don’t know whether there’s any pukers there or not, but I’m a puker. I
puke, man.
(1:12:37 – 1:12:44)
And I ain’t no dribble-arse puker. I’m a… No, I’m a directional puker, me. I can… Like
that.
(1:12:44 – 1:12:59)
I can make arches, man. Like that. And, you know, I would be full of, like, the devil, and I
would… You know, I was just crazy and insane, and, like, I didn’t feel no spirituality when
I got to AA.
(1:13:00 – 1:13:20)
I was, like, you know, full of the devil and this evil and puking. I felt like goddamn Linda
Blair, for Christ’s sake. You know what I mean? You know? And, like, one day I was just so
incensed, I went, Get out, devil! And I yelled, Get out, devil! And they went, Oh, my God.
(1:13:21 – 1:13:23)
G-O-D. Get out, devil. That’s God.
(1:13:23 – 1:13:29)
They said I can have any God I like. That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to use God’s
name to dispel the devil that’s in me.
(1:13:29 – 1:13:35)
And I used to walk around holding this book, going, God, get out, devil. Get out, devil.
God, God, God.
(1:13:35 – 1:13:41)
Get out, devil. And I don’t know what you guys thought, but I didn’t really care either. I
mean, I was just wrapped up in me.
(1:13:41 – 1:13:49)
You know? And then I heard somebody say, God could mean good, orderly direction. And
holy shit. That sounds good.
(1:13:49 – 1:13:53)
They said I can have any God I like. I’m going to upgrade to that God now. That’s what
I’m going to have.
(1:13:53 – 1:13:58)
Good, orderly direction. That’s what I’ll have. Good, orderly direction.
(1:13:58 – 1:14:01)
Ah. Group of drunks. Oh, I like that.
(1:14:01 – 1:14:05)
I like that, too. I’ll have that now. And it was go on dreaming.
(1:14:05 – 1:14:12)
They said, You can have a God of anything, beyond your wildest dreams. Okay. God can
be good at good, orderly direction.
(1:14:12 – 1:14:14)
Go on dreaming. Wow. That’s far out.
(1:14:14 – 1:14:28)
I’m going to change to that. And gradually, over a long period of time, I have a God of
my understanding. It makes complete and utter sense to me that I completely
understand, just like the beautiful book says I must, provided it makes sense to Him.
(1:14:29 – 1:14:54)
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to describe, and I don’t think I’ve done this
before, but I will, you know, as soon as we’re doing something here. I have a God of my
understanding that makes complete sense to me on every level, on every situation, that
is indisputable and stands to test over every denomination. I never had it when I got
here.
(1:14:55 – 1:15:10)
It’s a bit of the educational variety, like the book talks about. See, I got involved with
some Native Americans, and they taught me some stuff, and it works for me. It just
works for me.
(1:15:10 – 1:15:15)
I love it. I love the concept. Now, I’m a basic meat-and-potatoes man.
(1:15:15 – 1:15:23)
I’m a human being, you know. I’m skin and bone. Well, I’ve got a two-fold disease, mind
and body, mental and physical.
(1:15:24 – 1:15:55)
Now, my imagery, my mental picture of that great creator, of the God of my
understanding is of the great creator, like the Native American taught me, of the great
creator, the great spirit that created everything from the smallest leaf on the smallest
blade of grass to the Empire State Building or whatever. And he loved everything just as
much as everything else, and he made everybody and everything, and everything’s just
as important as everything else, and I love that. That works for me.
(1:15:56 – 1:16:04)
Father Sky provided Mother Earth for our needs. He provided us for brothers and sisters,
and I love that. That’s my family.
(1:16:04 – 1:16:12)
Father Sky, Mother Earth, brothers and sisters, family. F-A-M-I-L-Y, Father and Mother, I
love you. That works for me.
(1:16:12 – 1:16:16)
That’s my mental imagery. That’s my picture. That’s my vision.
(1:16:17 – 1:16:32)
That’s what’s in my mind. But I’m a meat-and-potatoes guy. Some days I’m so goddamn
wacky, I just, like, got to get with somebody with skin around it, for Christ’s sake, and I
can come here and be among you, and sit among you, and be a part of you.
(1:16:33 – 1:16:39)
And me plus you is a power greater than myself. And we can do the deal here. That’s my
humanness.
(1:16:39 – 1:16:58)
So I have a mental and a physical aspect of a power greater than myself that I can
absolutely rely on, and makes complete sense to me under all circumstances. And at two
o’clock in the morning, when the demons are screaming, I can rely on it. I don’t know
whether you know about the demons or not, but I do.
(1:16:59 – 1:17:12)
You know when those voices go off in your head. You know those voices that talk to you,
and you just, it’s like that rotisserie, and your mind’s just going round and round and
round, and the voices are going off. You know the voices I’m talking about.
(1:17:12 – 1:17:26)
The voices that just said to you, what voices? Those bloody voices. You know those
voices? See? And when they’re working at me, I can turn to that power, and it sustains
me. So I have the first three steps down.
(1:17:26 – 1:17:35)
I’m powerless over alcohol. I’m powerless because in and of myself, I have no power. But
am I in and of myself? I’m not powerless today.
(1:17:35 – 1:17:47)
When you read your first step, does it say, I am powerless, and my life is unmanageable?
My step doesn’t say that. My step, I hear people around here say that, but I’m not. My
step doesn’t tell me that.
(1:17:47 – 1:18:03)
My step says, we admitted we were powerless, and that my life had become
unmanageable. That’s past tense. Because once I’ve fully conceded, and once I turn to
the power, having hit bottom and asked for the help, the power immediately sprung into
action and guided me to you.
(1:18:04 – 1:18:16)
Now I’ve got the power that I’ve always known about working in my life as far as alcohol
is concerned. And now I’ve got a 12-step fellowship here that I can come and be among.
Now I have a big book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
(1:18:17 – 1:18:24)
Now the big book teaches me about 12 spiritual steps. I have a design for living, a
blueprint for life, for Christ’s sake. I’ve got a sponsor.
(1:18:25 – 1:18:29)
I sponsor other people. I have a way out. I have a way of life.
(1:18:30 – 1:18:39)
Am I powerless? I’m not powerless today. Why would I say I am powerless? I know I hear
people say that, but I don’t. I’m not powerless today.
(1:18:39 – 1:18:52)
When I say that I am powerless, that’s the disease talking in me. That’s the disease
getting me to fail to recognize the power that’s in my life. In and of myself I would be
powerless, but I’m not in and of myself.
(1:18:52 – 1:19:03)
And I ain’t going nowhere. If I’m in and of myself, that means I’ve separated from God.
And if me and God are separated, who moved? I ain’t going nowhere.
(1:19:03 – 1:19:08)
I’m staying right here. I’m staying right here among you guys. I’m not powerless today.
(1:19:09 – 1:19:19)
I have a power greater than myself. And when the disease wants me to believe that I’m
powerless, that’s the disease working on me. Because it isn’t true, and I’m not going to
say that.
(1:19:19 – 1:19:31)
And I’m not going to deny that power that’s working in my life. Do I believe in miracles?
Do I believe in miracles? I absolutely depend on miracles. Absolutely.
(1:19:31 – 1:19:37)
And I stand before you a miracle. I’m not some hip-happening dude. I’m a common
garden variety drunk.
(1:19:38 – 1:19:53)
I come out of a nut ward for the criminally insane. I come out of blackouts, chained down
in nut wards for the criminally insane, on five-point restraint, puking straight up in the
air, on murder charges that I don’t even know about. And that’s what happened to me.
(1:19:55 – 1:20:22)
I came out of a blackout on five-point restraint on a murder charge, and a 21-year-old
man’s dead, and I don’t know what the hell has gone on, for Christ’s sake. I am probably
one of the few people that know what OJE feels about that. Because I went to the court
at Old Bailey in London, England, the central criminal court, and we lied and cheated and
manipulated that court, and perjured.
(1:20:22 – 1:20:40)
But perjury to me was as natural as breathing. I never knew anybody who went to court
and told the truth, including the cops. And I went to court, and we lied and cheated and
manipulated that murder trial, and I got found not guilty on a self-defense plea.
(1:20:42 – 1:20:53)
I come out of blackouts chained down. I don’t come out happy, joyous, and free. And I
distinctly remember when I stood in that court, and that prosecuting counsel, and in
England they hung you then.
(1:20:54 – 1:21:16)
They sentenced you to be hung. And that prosecuting counsel looked at me like that,
and he addressed the jury. And he said, members of the jury, he said, on behalf of our
sovereign lady, the Queen, the people of the British Isles, members of the United
Kingdom, the British Empire, and the Commonwealth of Nations, we demand the
ultimate penalty on that man.
(1:21:16 – 1:21:30)
We demand that he be sentenced to hang from the neck until dead. For the
Commonwealth of Nations, they wanted me dead. And I can remember looking at that
man going, you rotten bastard.
(1:21:32 – 1:21:49)
That’s a lot of people. For the Commonwealth of Nations, for their common good, they
wanted me dead. Well, kind of helps me today when one of you lot get pissed off at me.
(1:21:49 – 1:21:57)
I’ve been pissed off at by nations, man. Helps me deal with that a little bit. But I’m an
alcoholic.
(1:21:58 – 1:22:10)
I got found not guilty of that charge, and I walked. And my brother came and picked me
up, and we got on the top of the stairs of the Old Bailey in London, England, and I looked
right across the road, and there was a pub. Is it still there? It’s called The Solicitors.
(1:22:10 – 1:22:23)
In England we call lawyers solicitors. And we went straight across the road to celebrate
getting found not guilty, and do what had put me there in the first place, drinking. That’s
insane, folks.
(1:22:26 – 1:22:40)
The very next day, I went and picked up my friend who got released from the two-year
sentence that I’d just been found. This all happened six weeks after coming out of a
maximum security prison sentence. My buddy who I was with got released the very next
day.
(1:22:41 – 1:22:48)
I went to a maximum security prison and picked him up. I’m out from the murder charge
one day. I pick him up that morning.
(1:22:49 – 1:23:02)
We went straight from picking him up at the maximum security prison to his brother’s
yard. His brother had a scrap metal yard. And we walked in, and Kit said, Oh, boys, he
said, what a great result.
(1:23:02 – 1:23:11)
He said, Mick, it’s so good to see you got chucked on the murder yesterday. Far out,
because where I come from, the bigger rogue you are, the better esteem you got. They
thought it was great.
(1:23:12 – 1:23:24)
His brother had just got out of a maximum security prison. We said, Kit, we need a set of
bolt cutters. He said, a set of bolt cutters? What the hell for? He said, we’ve got to go on
a robbery.
(1:23:25 – 1:23:31)
He said, you just got out of prison. He said, yeah, but we’ve got one to go on. He said,
you guys are nuts.
(1:23:32 – 1:23:36)
I said, well, that’s what we’ve got to do. That’s insane. That is insane.
(1:23:37 – 1:23:59)
To come out of a maximum security prison, but how insane is it? Is it any worse insane,
or any less insane than the jaywalker? I’m no special event here. I’m just carrying a
message, based in the first three steps. And we’ve got to wrap this up, and if there’s not
any questions, I guess that’s about it.
(1:23:59 – 1:24:12)
Is that about it, Dick, over there? I guess it is. You know, I thank you for your attention,
and I thank you for inviting me here. My telephone number is 818-AREA-CODE.
(1:24:12 – 1:24:24)
Are you sober? R-U-S-O-B-E-R. It actually translates to 787-6237. I don’t know whether
you’re an alcoholic or not.
(1:24:24 – 1:24:39)
I am. But I have heard some laughter here, and if you want a clue as to whether you is or
whether you isn’t, you better not have laughed in here today, because you may have
caught this disease. They say, if you’re laughing, you’re relating, and if you’re relating to
a sicko like me, there ain’t no doubt about you, pal.
(1:24:41 – 1:24:47)
Because I don’t get through to no well people. Well people don’t laugh at my shit. You
people laugh with me.
(1:24:48 – 1:24:52)
And for that, I’m really grateful. And I thank you for that. And God bless you.
(1:24:52 – 1:24:53)
Keep coming back. Thank you.