Robert D Jr – Sunday Pacific Palisades Workshop – 12-14-2014

(0:00 – 0:18)
Let’s welcome today’s speaker, Robert. Good morning. I’m Robert.
I’m an alcoholic. Oh, God. I know a bunch of people here.
(0:19 – 0:29)
Many of you have seen me come in and out of the rooms. I was a newcomer once for
about 12 years. Loving a newcomer.
(0:31 – 0:53)
I noticed there’s some folks here who all got up in a cluster around there. Possibly from
the same treatment center. The out-of-towners, you know, it’s always odd coming to a
meeting initially until you feel the fuzz and you feel at home and all that.
(0:53 – 1:15)
So I want to welcome all the out-of-towners I was talking to, a fellow before the meeting.
And I was in London working last year, and there’s this meeting in Richmond, and it’s
under this bridge, and it looks like they’re just trying to hide it. I mean, it just looks like,
let’s get these damn fiends away from the populace.
(1:16 – 1:30)
And I went under there, and I’m like, wow, I mean, this looks like Churchill’s down there,
like, you know, being bombed. And then there’s this group of just, it’s a British men’s
group. And, you know, my judgment, my judgment, my judgment.
(1:30 – 1:37)
And by the way, happy birthday to the cake takers. I know most of you. Anyone who took
a chip.
(1:37 – 2:17)
And the folks who came up with just a day, you know what I mean? It seems to me that
the longer you’re clean, the less happy you are. Because these folks come up with one,
and they’re like, yeah, I’m crying! And then, you know, and then what happens if you
stick around, it’s like, stuff’s going to happen, you know? I can be like, yeah, like,
something unimaginably horrible happened to me last week, and then I went to a
meeting, you know? And life sinks in. But at the beginning, when you’ve been pulled
from, you know, the jaws of a sinister beast, it’s just like, yeah! And then, you know,
sometimes 30, 60, 90, you hit a wall.
(2:17 – 2:36)
I mean, it’s amazing how similar all the experiences are. And yet we’re all such, you
know, So, I’m at this meeting, and I’m under this bridge, and I kind of need a meeting,
and I’ve been working, and I’m thinking my judgment. Well, these Brits, you know, I’m
not going to talk about feelings or anything.
(2:36 – 2:54)
And they go, hello, my name is Thomas, and this is a men’s feelings group. Feelings in
England? And that meeting saved my ass, you know, while I was there for that period of
time. I want to thank John and Lydia for asking me to come out.
(2:55 – 3:14)
I want to thank Kenny for not being back there underscoring my… Hello, darling. And
also, just to be up front, like, I feel horrible. You know, it’s the flu season.
(3:14 – 3:32)
You know, it’s the Bermuda Triangle, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s. I just, I don’t
know why every year there’s some part of it where I’m celebrating it and I enjoy it, but,
like, I’m supposed to be drunk off my ass, smoking crack, dressed as Santa, scaring kids.
Like, that’s my thing.
(3:34 – 3:44)
This is supposed to be that triangle of holidays where I am just the most frightening,
pathetic human being. I thought I respected you. Look at you.
(3:44 – 4:00)
What are you doing in your car? I’m like, I’m stuck, man. Are you not coming to the
party? Yeah, in a minute, in a minute, in a minute. Who are you working for? So, I mean,
it’s odd.
(4:00 – 4:14)
You know, I’ve been sober ten years. Yeah. But anyway, it’s that time of year where, you
know, I’m a very delicate flower.
(4:14 – 4:31)
And it’s, you know, flu season, and, you know, one beautiful gift after another keeps
happening. You know, I’ve got a two-year-old who is prone to waking up at three in the
morning and screaming like Jackie Cooper. And I go in there and I’m like, hey.
(4:34 – 4:46)
She’s taking me hostage and we have a beautiful new baby daughter and I have a nice
Jewish wife from the Midwest. She was like, I don’t know. If you’re from the outskirts of
Chicago and you’re not an alcoholic, you just, you understand Al-Anon.
(4:46 – 5:00)
It’s like, it’s the same thing as being from the Midwest. It’s just understanding Al-Anon.
So, this morning, A, she wanted me to get in and out of the shower, which is really what
she wanted.
(5:01 – 5:18)
B, I wanted her to flash me the upper deck because she is so huge upstairs right now
because she’s breastfeeding and she’s 40 and I’m like, come on, I’m going to be 50. This
is our time. We’re going to enjoy these things.
(5:20 – 5:41)
Don’t touch them. Which brings me to alcoholism. That feeling of, there’s this amazing
thing that’s right over there and I just need to get into it and do it and I’m already
excited because I see it.
(5:42 – 5:54)
It’s about to happen. And then it’s an elusive thing. I’m from New York and I grew up
there and my folks are both alcoholics.
(5:55 – 6:15)
As a matter of fact, this last weekend, my dad is an underground filmmaker and we were
celebrating him all weekend. And so we’re showing all these clip reels from like the 60s
and New York and like everybody in every movie he ever made is stoned. And I’m just
going like, these were my babysitters.
(6:16 – 6:30)
This was my daycare center. Some like guy named Spider. So anyway, it’s been this
really kind of evocative time.
(6:31 – 6:49)
I’m really fortunate I have a sponsee here who, and by the way, I apologize if you notice
I’ve been up here just like talking shit and laughing and doing all that stuff. I don’t like
talking when other people are talking and the podium is disrespectful, Gary. But we’re
here to have fun.
(6:50 – 7:16)
We’re not a glum lot. But so anyway, I just grew up in this environment in the 60s where
it was just really kind of natural to be eight years old and doing mescaline in this
counterculture film scene. And then I recall this sense of growing up in a family where it
was the culture was, you know, the kind of drug culture.
(7:17 – 7:34)
And I certainly took to it. And I’ll just, this is not a point in pride, but I remember at one
point, like my uncle or something handed me a pound of marijuana and said, roll this up
into J’s. I felt it was like, it was like my apprenticeship.
(7:34 – 7:57)
It was like, you know, like my uncle ran a garage and he was going to let me like, you
know, get under the hood of a 68 Camaro or something. And that’s how I grew up. But I
also always had dreams, you know, of things maybe I wanted to do or things that I felt
drawn to or whatever, you know, or performing your music or whatever.
(7:57 – 8:27)
And I think that alcoholism is this thing, you know, it’s that, what does it say? Gave me
wings to fly and then took away the sky. It’s this, it’s this thing where to me, alcoholism,
if I had to describe it in one phrase, it’s something that when I’m in the midst of it, my
thought life is in this elevated place. And as I’m running all these scenarios of this
beautiful life I could have, but I’m under the influence and I can’t really hit my ass with
both hands and I can’t really put any combinations together to get anything done.
(8:27 – 9:04)
And it’s just this kind of hopeless, this hopeless state of both wanting to be drawn
towards something and anything either it’s away from my childhood or my conflicts or
my, you know, disagreements with my parents or my sense of wanting to have some
sort of self-agency. And then also it’s just, you know, I mean, I’ll just admit it, it’s much
better to be drunk than not drunk for the most part, you know. And I remember really
taking my first drink in Woodstock in upstate New York in about the mid-70s, which was,
by the way, it was kind of fun there.
(9:04 – 9:14)
I just want to say that. Okay. It was a Mickey’s Big Mouth in that green glass bottle and it
was just perfect.
(9:16 – 9:32)
It was probably the best drink I ever had. But if you’re like me, it’s the next 380,000
drinks that don’t quite match up. And somebody was saying, you know, I was thinking,
somebody had taken a cake and said, you know, I was just thinking it was Razor.
(9:32 – 9:45)
Right? Happy birthday, Razor. It was, you know, yesterday I was at this place and I
thought, wouldn’t a beer be nice with my fish? I mean, by the time I was done drinking, I
was like, it’s 4.45 in the morning. I’ve been up for nine days.
(9:45 – 10:09)
Wouldn’t it be nice to dig through the garbage can to pull out that almost empty bottle of
champagne and see if I can’t fish a wet cigarette butt out of it and light it with my fish?
I’m just so depraved. Depraved. So anyway, I’m going to get sober in a minute.
(10:09 – 10:18)
I came out here and I kind of pursued some dreams and things sort of went my way. And
people would always say two things. The kid’s not bad.
(10:18 – 10:34)
And boy, have you seen him party. And I kind of wore both of those with an equal, you
know, badge of honor. I’m a bit of a mutt, but there’s a lot of… Dad’s an Irish Jew and my
mom is Scotch-German.
(10:34 – 10:57)
And I think when I was looking at my family tree recently, and particularly on the ScotchGerman side, there’s all of these things in the family tree that it’s just like unexplained
early deaths. And then I look at my dad’s side and it’s kind of like the chart’s not even
complete. Kind of like, I forgot who my brother was.
(10:58 – 11:11)
You know, just like crazy. Like this DNA strand that was going through me was just like
doomed. But you know, then you got some talent or you got some hustle and you try to
put things together.
(11:11 – 11:33)
And my alcoholism and my success kind of ran tandem for several years. Anyway, I
remember things kind of going my way and just having this sense of just being really
kind of a malcontent. And thank God for Los Angeles I started getting arrested.
(11:35 – 11:54)
I’d like to formally thank the Lost Hills Sheriff’s Department for all the kind service work
they’ve done for me. But there was 10 or 15 years where I just ran rampant around Los
Angeles and did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. And it wasn’t necessarily fun but
nobody was getting in trouble.
(11:56 – 12:05)
And in New York you can hide and you can take a cab. I mean, trust me, you can bottom
out plenty. And that’s the downside of other places is that you can hide.
(12:05 – 12:20)
So nobody can go like, wow, I saw you pulled over to the side of the road like hiding in
your trunk. Like, what’s up? Whereas mine was law enforcement contact. I just ran out of
luck and it started happening.
(12:20 – 12:31)
But before I even started getting arrested I would get pulled over and they’d give me a
field sobriety test and I would sober up like that. And they’d be like, well, we’re worried
about you. And I would go, okay, great.
(12:32 – 12:43)
Are we done? And I’d keep partying. And then I got popped. So what happened was
really this kind of divine intervention of doing stints in LA County Jail.
(12:43 – 12:56)
I love it. I highly recommend the correctional system for anybody. I was in a trustee
dorm for a while then I got in a fight because I’m such a badass.
(13:00 – 13:10)
Basically, I got a couple swings in and then I got my head busted open. Never saw it
coming. So I can take a punch.
(13:12 – 13:23)
Particularly if I don’t see it. But then jail doesn’t quite work. And if you want to really
party in LA and you’re a drunk and alcoholic, piss off a judge.
(13:25 – 13:39)
Have a judge have a personal investment in you. And have your lawyer say, you need to
perform here. You understand that word, right? So anyway, he threw the book, the gavel,
and the bench at me and sent me up the river and all that stuff.
(13:40 – 14:02)
And I have to say that when I was imprisoned in Corcoran, there was something about it
that’s not entirely different than AA. And that if you toe the line and you don’t do
anything you’re not supposed to do, you’re probably going to be able to do your time.
And it’s not the most pleasant environment you could ever imagine.
(14:03 – 14:16)
But, you know, you’re alive and you can move forward and you’ve got a date. You’ve got
a date where your freedom is guaranteed. And that’s what I’ve kind of noticed is that so
many of the promises have come true for me.
(14:16 – 14:23)
And everybody’s path is different. You know, I’m always kind of a little P.O-ed when
someone’s like, man, I just went crazy. I never know, never got busted.
(14:24 – 14:38)
And you’re like, well, maybe you should have. But, so anyway, on July 4th, 2004, I was
supposed to be singing at a friend’s wedding. Terrible idea.
(14:39 – 14:55)
I think I was like a buck thirty-five wet and just strung out. And, it was almost noon and I
hadn’t had my morning beverage yet. So I procured a bunch of narcotics and I was in
the, I was in the Burger King parking lot.
(14:59 – 15:05)
And it was right back to being in Woodstock. I had a Mickey’s Big Mouth. I had several
Mickey’s Big Mouths.
(15:06 – 15:18)
And I was just sitting there kind of looking in the rear view mirror and there’s people
there getting their, I don’t know, breakfast, whopper, breakfast, whatever they’re
getting. And I was just kind of looking in the mirror going like, boy, aren’t you a sight.
You got a kid.
(15:18 – 15:21)
You got stuff. Look at you. And I was like, well, hold on a second.
(15:21 – 15:29)
Let Mickey have a word here. Just a little bit. Love that big bottle edge.
(15:31 – 15:47)
And I drive up the coast and typically, it was summertime so that’s when I was supposed
to get arrested and catch another case. For future reference, I know that starting with
Halloween, I have to be really careful. Because that’s when I like, that’s when I usually
would go on the run.
(15:47 – 16:05)
Because I would think, if I put on a Planet of the Apes mask and go to this party, I could
do whatever I wanted and nobody would know I was high. That’s my whiskey and the
glass of milk thing, you know? So, Halloween’s usually I just like, I don’t do much of
anything. Maybe in a couple years I’ll go to a Halloween party.
(16:05 – 16:15)
Maybe even with a Planet of the Apes mask. Who knows? Till it’s over. So it’s
summertime, it’s time to get popped again and I started driving a PCH.
(16:15 – 16:20)
I was like, what are you doing, dude? This is when you get arrested. And my mom called
me. My mom is recently deceased.
(16:20 – 16:29)
I don’t remember what she said. I think, you know, it was the usual thing like, Bobby, hi
mom. What are you doing? I’m just driving, driving up the coast, driving up the coast.
(16:29 – 16:41)
Are you alright? Well, happy Independence Day. Is it? The truth is the truth, Bobby. I was
like, thanks mom, I love it when you say that.
(16:43 – 17:06)
Anyway, I was supposed to sing at my friend’s wedding and instead, for some reason, I
went to where my ex-wife was with our kid at some house party in the colony or
something like that and I walked in and she goes, what in God’s name are you up to?
And I was like, oh no, ex-wives are the greatest, by the way. Because there’s no
compunction to keep the relationship moving forward. There’s no active preservation to
spare you some ill will.
(17:06 – 17:17)
She’s just like, look at you. I was like, hold on a second, I just got here, I’m supposed to
be singing at a wedding. She goes, you, see, you’re going to drop dead on the floor,
you’re going to drop dead right here in front of our son.
(17:17 – 17:26)
I was like, hold on, I need a room. She goes, if you go in that room and get high, I’ll call
the cops. I was like, yo, what? She goes, we’re tired of, everyone’s tired of your shit.
(17:26 – 17:44)
I’m like, whoa. So anyway, I went in this room and, but she had me so scared that it was
like back with like me and my missus and the jugs and the whole deal. I was like, I had it
in my pocket but I was scared to do it.
(17:46 – 17:58)
And I had the will and the means to continue for many days. I had really stocked up for
this wedding occasion. And anyway, what happened was something I can’t explain.
(17:59 – 18:09)
The first step had been going on with me from the time I was, I’d say 12 until I was about
38. And then the first step happened kind of there. I just, I genuinely surrendered.
(18:10 – 18:30)
And then what happened over the next while was these steps just sort of kind of started
happening to me with God’s grace and a guy named Jerry S. Who, when I was introduced
to him while I was just kicking and miserable at four days a buddy of mine in Eskimo
said, go to that guy and ask him to be your sponsor. I was like, he looks really scary and
angry. They’re like, yeah, anyway, go ask him to be your sponsor.
(18:32 – 18:48)
I said, Jerry, he goes, what? I was wondering, who told you to do this, Sam? I was like,
yeah, he goes, oh, Christ, all right, call me tomorrow. That’s tough love. And that’s what I
got.
(18:48 – 18:59)
I’m just going to go through briefly in the next couple minutes because the steps can be
elusive. I understand the book. I have sponsees who are always going, when are we
going to get back in the book? And I’m like, all right, the book.
(18:59 – 19:17)
But we do a pretty good job. But there’s so much great literature and nowadays there’s
so many ways to get around whatever blocks we might create to just allowing ourselves
to let this thing wash over us. I don’t read any recovery material, approved recovery
material nowadays that I disagree with.
(19:17 – 19:33)
I don’t know when that happened. I think that was sometime around step three. But
because this was given to me, I’d like to talk about the power is in the principles and the
principles really are demonstrated in the steps.
(19:33 – 20:11)
So for me, the honesty of just being able to say, I can’t do this anymore and the hope
that maybe if I reach out to this guy wearing a black leather jacket who looks like he
wants to slug me, maybe he actually has some insight and he’ll take me through the
steps. And having the faith to really say, well I know I made a mess of this, but do I have
the cojones to turn it over to something that I’m just coming to believe in now, I think
that that’s a big step. When I did my fourth step, there really was a lot of courage
involved to really take the time to be fearless and thorough about it.
(20:11 – 20:29)
And I remember, I’ll go to the principle behind step five, integrity. I was there and I
remember reading it to my sponsor and I think he dozed off once or twice. And then at
one point he got up to go get some tea or something like that and he came back with
some tissues because I guess he knew we were getting to the tough stuff.
(20:30 – 21:09)
And then when we were done he was like, that’s great, let’s do six and seven. I thought
he was going to give me, you know, he was going to reward me for what a hell of a guy
I’d been doing what I was supposed to do. You know, the willingness and humility to
actually look at all of these things that are deplorable about myself and to be able to put
them down in black and white and say, I’m willing to have these removed is, can be
really confusing but I keep finding that it’s in those steps that my daily freedom, in
addition to the maintenance steps, that’s what’s required, is to continue to say, these are
the defects that keep coming back.
(21:09 – 21:47)
I ask, I ask humbly that you remove them on your time. You know. I made an amends
recently to, I made an amends list, I made some amends but there was one that was
sticking out and I went back to New York and it was one of my first girlfriends and I said,
listen, I’m coming to New York and she goes, oh, and you’re finally going to do the right
thing and make your amends to me? I was like, yeah, I was going to finish that sentence
and she’s married and has kids and, you know, we’re both in the same business and all
this stuff but it was this thing that had kind of been eating at me and it would have
injured her or others at the time or whatever.
(21:48 – 22:04)
So, you know, I have business in New York but I made it a point to go and properly do
this ninth step and it was one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. She helped me
because there were some things I had forgotten and I’d be like, and look, I think that’s
pretty much it. She goes, we’re not done.
(22:06 – 22:54)
And I was like amazed but there was this softness that came over her and it really
liberated me at the end and it wasn’t an entirely fruitful thing as far as the forgiveness is
all there now, ha ha, you know, let’s hug it out but there was understanding and when I
did leave that that day there was, you know, there was a hug and there was some real
closure on it and I felt lighter since and there’s been many instances where making those
amends, I have to say, like the freedom really is, you know, is being even just halfway
through that step, you know, I found a lot of stuff. The, it is not easy to keep taking
personal inventory. For those of you who don’t know me, I am the master of the universe
and everything has gone my way.
(22:56 – 23:45)
Powerful and kind and everybody likes me and if you’re married to me, you know, there’s
a lot of opportunity for me to continue taking personal inventory and where I, where I
meet the world and stuff, it’s not, you know, I’m a representative of the benefits of
joining a 12-step program and if I’m out there being a weirdo and all that stuff, it doesn’t
speak well of AA so I’m really careful about that. I do have a, a spiritual connection. It’s,
it’s, I’ve noticed in my family we’re very kind of, we keep that stuff really close to our
chest but, you know, that was one of the first things that, that happened for me and as
far as service goes, you know, I don’t know if anyone got anything out of this today but,
you know, the idea of getting up when you don’t want to, having a sleepless night with a
bunch of new kids and going and showing up somewhere and having your sponsor kick
over your coffee and act like you didn’t.
(23:49 – 24:24)
To me, it’s, I know that it says service here but I, I really want to say in closing that it’s
the ongoing humility to say, it doesn’t, things can’t go, things can’t be shocking or
horrible enough and they can’t go well enough for me to be free from alcoholism. So, I do
want to say, after the meeting, I have, my little nephew is having a birthday party so I’m
going to race out of here but I want to say to each and every one of you, particularly the
new folks, I’m going to say I love you and AA works and if you get stuck into it, you’ll be
amazed what happens. Thanks.
(24:37 – 25:28)
We’re doing Q and A’s for the project and we’re going to have Q and A’s going to have Q
and A’s and we’re going to have Q and A’s and we’re Q and A’s and we’re Repeat the
question Yes. I know. I just want to get the phrase right.
(25:30 – 35:30)
Depression and hopelessness and that whole thing the early thing I don’t know why it’s
so sticky. To me, every time I would come up against this feeling I’m up against this wall
I can’t take this anymore. This is so miserable.
I know I have to do this, but And all that I would just get so stuck and I would always
leave five minutes before the miracle now I don’t know if on the other side of that that
misery there would have been freedom But I do know that you know, it’s it’s like
weather, you know That all that stuff is like weather And that if you can sit on your hands
for a minute and all those feelings just want to be felt That’s something that Earl H told
me. He said your feelings just want to be felt so I suspect that a lot of my resistance and
my inability to get past just being a continual kind of white chipper Was that I never
really fully wanted to give my feelings the space that they deserved and being felt
because then they just leave Kind of like a storm and then I’m there and I go well, you
know I don’t make myself miserable with something else, but that one particular thing
those layers and layers of things go away. So You know, if you if you have a sponsor or if
you have depressive things I am a doctor But I do know that, you know We’re in Los
Angeles and there is no better place on earth to to get the kind of therapy you need to
be able to get Through and on the other side of all that stuff Yes, sir, I’m saying I give
thanks to God first and most always and I’m an alcoholic All right, mr. Young Robert
What brought me to the light before alcoholics anonymous You mean like how did I not
die before I got sober Right Right, what made me do the right thing, you know it’s it’s a
really elusive question because I have to run it through the filter of my own ego and And
the problem is is that once you kill one ego another one pops up So what I what I’ve
recognized over the last bunch of years is I’ve had these highs and lows and And stuff
like that.
Is that I think That saying an attitude of gratitude sounds like something that’s on a
bumper sticker, but I do know that I am prone I am just naturally geared toward a dark
pessimistic view of the world And I don’t know if that’s because I think it’s cool to be that
person and there’s some part of my ego that still Identifies with when I was in like junior
high and I’m like, you know, Paul and oats are a drag man or you know, whatever But
that continually Identifying who and what I am by the things I think aren’t good, you
know, so Anyway, but what I’ve recognized more and more lately is that it is it is, you
know, I really If I can and whether I’m grateful or not Showing up is a sign of gratitude
and showing up as a sign of humility So I think just before that, you know, I fortunately
learned how to show up just a little bit and I love you and thanks Thank you Please sir,
we’ll get to one of the gals Yes service and and The question about How how service is
integral to ongoing recovery It was just literally passed on to me I’m so tired of hearing
people say, you know, what is my commitments that have gotten me through those
tough times? I want to say well, I don’t need this Yeah, I’m not serious I Just didn’t work
but I realized that I just started acting as if and the men and women of a who I’d seen
who are always like Well, what do you believe? Well, I got a commitment over here and I
do this over there and I thought well secretary is a pretty lousy Commitment because
you got to be there before and you got to try to I mean, it’s a miracle that any meeting
ever gets on Trying to book people. Hey, can you come Wednesday? Yeah Call me back.
No, no, can you be here? Yeah, can you I need to write your name down write it down So
But I made it my business to like to me my sobriety was contingent on this meeting can
you know being an ongoing thing and In case any of you who aren’t aware of it The
marina center meeting is also known as where the debris meets the sea And I’ve formed
some of my strongest relationships with the fine men and women of the Marina Center
Right well you know, it’s it’s an interesting ongoing thing because Yes, thank you prayer
and meditation God bless you and how do I incorporate that into my life I found that for
the first First three years or so because my sponsor had me doing something very
specific I was doing and it was kind of a hitting the knees thing and closing the eyes and
certain things and reading out of the Book and and I don’t know why but I think that it’s
one of the great Triumphs of a is that it encouraged you.
It’s as you understand it. It’s developed. Whatever it is if something ceases to
Accommodate you Enlarging your your spiritual life then that doesn’t mean it doesn’t
work It just mean that it’s time to expand and enlarge it.
So I found myself Doing some things that are a little bit more Eastern and moving
meditations and qigong and all that stuff But I also know that you know I get busy and I
get full of myself and there’s a lot of time where I’ll just I can literally just go like How do
they give me the will to do and I’m out and I’m doing something I go Okay, was that a
half measure or is that like a 0.005 measure? And now that I’m in going into my second
decade, you know, I realized that that That the longer you stick around here the more
adverse reaction you have to not doing things the way they’re suggested So it’s a little
bit easier for me to recognize when I’m off the beam because I’m literally I’m just I have
a loathsome existence if I’m not doing the things I have to do around here So I get out of
trouble a little bit quicker Someone telling me who I’m picking No, no, yeah, I don’t want
any trouble. Yes, sir When you were first sober and the idea and the compulsion to drink
or use was on you, what did you do to not pick up and does that still haunt you today?
When the obsession to drink or use was was on me early on how did I do it and does it
still haunt me today? Today it doesn’t haunt me because I would no sooner put myself
into a situation Where I might be tempted then I would sit on a hot oven And every
anybody who knows me knows that is if there is no way and even if I happen into it
Accidentally, I set off a three-bell chili alarm like I’m being molested in a park And that’s
kind of fun What’s going on are you just that narcotics Somebody should call the cops
maybe But I think more so I do want to address the first question I think the first one was
I finally learned how to tell on myself And then once you do that a couple times it ceases
to be a tool and it becomes a very very dangerous weapon Against my adversary, which
is the obsession of the mind So as soon as I hear that voice, I just almost start following
it like I’m a newscaster here again I’ll just get on the phone and tell somebody but in the
few instances where I’ve been Not spiritually fit and I’ve been defenseless against that
first drink They happened early on as I said, they have to Halloween and I got lucky I got
lucky one time and I told on myself the other time. There’s been an instance where I’ve
been this close But I’d set myself up.
I’ll just briefly say this but even then I was thinking smart. This is a worthwhile story. I
had a This would be the last question.
Thank you. There’s very important last question. I’m sorry, ma’am.
I’ll ask answer your question in the parking lot I had a dealer and every time he saw me
said were you followed and I was like no way man I took a back road and this and that
and blah blah blah So after I got sober, I called him up and I said hey Jim. He was like,
who is this? I said, it’s Robert. I just want to let you know dude.
I was wrong. I was being followed He was like, what did you just say? I said, I’m being
followed. You’re being watched.
He hung up the phone on me So when I was in relapse mode and tried to call him back
on Halloween It wasn’t really like I could unwind that last call So in short and I’ll end with
this burn bridges