AA - Alcoholics Anonymous
October 26, 2024
(0:01 – 0:50)
Yeah, thanks. Morning. The diehards are here.
Right. You know, I was talking to some people about their experience of the weekend.
It’s like standing in a waterfall.
There’s so much emotion. There’s so much information. There’s so much experience.
You know, when you you’ve got a lineup of speakers, you got a couple hundred years of
sobriety, a couple hundred years of what works and a couple hundred years of what
doesn’t. You know, it’s pretty impressive. I’m Roger.
I’m an alcoholic. And so we’re since October 11th, 1978. I’m not religious.
(0:51 – 2:28)
If you’re religious, fine. I got no problem with that. Please don’t have a problem with me.
But I came. This has been a long, long road for me because I came here defiant and
atheistic. And the steps and your testimony wore that down over time.
But it took a long time. And there’s ultimately there’s a few things we learned to do here.
It’s everything is predicated on this.
I got to get a concept of God that I’m willing to work with. Concept that makes sense to
me. That is going to eliminate light bulbs, doorknobs and ashtrays.
OK. Because I’m betting my life on this relationship. Right.
So there’s three things I’m going to learn to do here. I’m going to learn to pray. I’m going
to learn to meditate and I’m going to learn self-evaluation inventory.
That’s the whole deal. And out of that, I’m going to build my new life. So part of what
works when you’re if you’re new and you’re stuck with this, I don’t know what this God
idea is about what it is.
We can start with the deconstruction. What is it not? You know, I don’t believe in God.
Well, what do you believe in? You know, because everyone believes in something.
Right. What do you believe in? What would you turn if there was what would you turn
your will? Well, OK, let’s start with this. What would you not turn your will in your life
over to? I would not turn my will in my life over to a dictator.
(2:28 – 2:52)
I would not turn it over to something that didn’t have my highest interest and heart. I
would not turn it over to something that wasn’t constructive. I would not turn it over to
something that was punishing.
I would not turn it over to something that set me up just to pull the rug out from under
me every once in a while, every five years. So you don’t get too cocky. Right.
Not going to do that. Right. So you can do it by process of elimination from that side.
(2:57 – 3:58)
I told you earlier in the weekend, there was something there was stuff happening in my
life that was inexplicable to me. It was phenomenal. I could observe it, but I had no idea
where it came from or what it meant.
But dammit, stuff was happening that was inexplicable. And I assigned to that the first
label was a mystery. It’s a mystery.
Right. And then down a little further down that road, it was a power. But part of my
definition of that power is if this power is infinite in its nature, then it’s unknowable.
So part of my relationship with this goddess has got to be mystery. Just a mystery. I can’t
know it, but I can feel it.
That’s why we talk about practicing the presence of God, the feel of God. So I found out
some things I’m not. I’m not what I do.
(4:00 – 4:41)
I’m not what I have. I’m not my money. I’m not separate from you.
I’m not my mistakes. I’m not my pain. I’m not even my body.
That’s a little more advanced down the road, you know what I’m saying. But then what
am I? And the book describes in a bunch of different ways, but one of the ways to see
deep down in every man, woman, child is a fundamental idea of God. Idea of God.
(4:42 – 5:20)
And they used to talk about AA being really a first century Christianity, right. And when
you look at that, what Jesus taught was consciousness. Jesus didn’t have dogma.
Jesus taught consciousness. So we see it all over the place. You reap what you sow.
Garbage in, garbage out. Right. What you focus on, what the mind focuses on expands.
Don’t see the world as it is. You see it as you are. All those things are telling me it’s
about, you pay attention to what you’re focusing on, because that’s going to come, that’s
going to become your life.
(5:23 – 6:29)
So, long road. So they said, you’ve got to learn how to pray. And several speakers have
said this over the weekend about hitting your knees.
I was too defiant to hit my knees. You know, I’m not going to hit my knees. So here’s my
concept.
You know, first off, I got no concept of God when I started. I got a mystery. I got some
power going.
Okay, fine. I can turn my will and my life over to the care of the mystery, right? Fine. But
now we get this technology, prayer and meditation technologies or techniques, if you
will, that I have to adapt.
That’s what the steps says. It says, sought through prayer and meditation. Seeking is an
action.
It doesn’t say seek until you get your car back. It doesn’t say seek until you get your
relationship, your new relationship. Seek until you’re out of debt.
Seek until the IRS has paid off. It says, seek. The methodology is prayer and meditation
to do one thing, improve my conscious contact with the power.
(6:29 – 7:46)
Then it says, here’s one prayer for you. Pray for the knowledge of God’s will and the
power to carry it out. They knew us so well.
I know what God’s will is, but I have very little desire, right? So show me the direction
and give me some gas and the keys for the car because I don’t want to go. Because it
never, to the ego, to the false self, it never looks like it’s going to be a good idea, right?
It’s so funny that God would put people like me in this position because I just was such a
trade wreck, right? Just, I was a guy in the meeting that blew up the meeting. Anytime
anyone said anything about God or a synonym for a power, I’d blow the meeting up.
I’d start swearing and throwing stuff and they would sit me down and if I came back
again, because my favorite thing was going to random meetings and torturing them,
right? If I came back twice, they’d say, oh, because what I was wanting to do is kick me
out. Last house on the block and I’m not allowed in and they didn’t. But what they did do
is they assigned helpers.
(7:48 – 8:44)
This is Charles and this is Hawkeye and they will be your buddies and we’re not
interested in your share tonight. Just sit, you know? And I would wrap that third tradition
around me and they’d say, yeah, you have a right to be here but you don’t have a right
to disrupt the meeting for the other people. So, over time.
So, here we go, prayer. I fashioned a concept that I was going to work towards.
Concept’s just an idea, set of ideas that you form into a little, a ball, a little pattern, call it
a concept.
We call it a design for living, right? And then you try and operate out of that. And by the
results you get, you determine whether the concept is satisfactory or not. But prayer, I
mean, this is where I started.
(8:44 – 9:42)
This was prayer to me. I mean, no disrespect, but this is what it was to me. Put your
hand on the screen.
We’re going to straighten your curly hair. We’re going to curl your straight hair. We’re
going to straighten them teeth.
We’re going to get rid of them liver spots. We’re going to fix your cancer and send 20
bucks. That was prayer to me.
So, when you said I got to pray, I got no access to that. And they said, I heard the same
things you guys said. You got to pray in the morning, you got to pray at night.
I didn’t hear the thanks for my sobriety or keep me sober. I just heard, you got to pray in
the morning, you got to pray at night. So, I said, okay, let’s fill in the blank, check the
box.
Did you pray this morning? Yes, I did. Did you pray tonight? Yes, I did. That’s conformity
and compliance.
It has nothing to do with anything. And my prayer every day and every night was thanks
for another shitty day. After about a year, I thought, you know, there might be
something to this.
(9:43 – 10:49)
I’ve had 365 consecutive days of crap. Maybe I should tweak this. And so, I started to
tweak it.
This is, you know, when we talk about prayer and meditation, when we talk about this
part of this process, it’s the most intimate thing I do. And what I do is not going to be
what you do. I’m not intending to tell anyone what to do at all.
I’m just talking a little bit about the evolution of this. One of the things that had to be
developed was patience and practice and perseverance. None of those things seemed
attractive to me.
But you can’t, you know, if you’re going to develop a practice, you have to practice. I’m
just saying, you want a relationship with God, or you think you do, you have to practice.
You have to put some things in place to have that relationship.
(10:49 – 11:24)
The first things we put in place are getting rid of the things that stand between, the
major things that stand between us and having that relationship. That happens in one
through nine. And then we get into daily living.
Mario was talking about last night, tenth step. Well, it’s got all the other nine rolled into
it, right? And it’s funny, in the book, that’s where it says, this should continue for a
lifetime. It’s a drunk trap.
It is. Continue to watch for selfishness, insolence, regret, and fear. When they come up,
what happens? Ask God to remove it.
Talk to someone. Make an amend if necessary. Then resolutely turn your thinking to
someone you can help.
(11:26 – 12:08)
I’ve inventoried, I just lied. That’s a four-step principle. Why did I do that? Because I
made a decision in the third step.
Why did I do that? Because I’m willing to believe that I need some help other than me.
Second step. Why did I do that? Oh, that’s right.
Because in and of myself, I’m a train wreck. I am powerless. Not a little powerless,
capital P powerless, right? Oh, that’s why I did that.
Now, I prayed six and seven. Ask God to remove it. That’s six and seven.
Talk to someone. There’s five. Make amends if necessary.
There’s eight and nine. Drunk trap. If you miss some stuff in those earlier steps, it’ll
come up in ten.
(12:11 – 12:17)
And I missed a lot of stuff. I missed a lot of stuff. And I would, I called them cosmic turds.
(12:18 – 14:28)
I would be doing really well for a while, and then something would start stirring in me,
and it had come to my consciousness, and it was, oh, this big thing I forgot, or I left out,
you know? And I go put it through the tenth step, and I go do the amend, and I feel really
good. That’s actually how I got into my last, final, and thorough, thorough, thorough
fourth step. It occurred to me, the genius that I am, that perhaps if I went back and did
this again the way it was written for me to do, maybe I’ll get a different result.
And that tenth step actually got me back into the fourth step. So anyway, so I got a step
ten for keeping me right with you, keeping me right with the external factors in my day,
people, places, things, circumstances, right? I need to do that because I want to stay on
track. And then I got this eleventh step.
That’s the vertical axis. That’s to stay in touch with the power. I got to stay right with
you, and I got to stay right with the power.
And the only way I can stay right with the power is to practice. If you learned anything,
learned to ride a bike, learned to play an instrument, you got to practice. You know, I’d
like to be a virtuoso piano player.
I just don’t like practicing. Well, good luck, you know? I don’t like scales. Well, you need
to learn scales because you need to learn the fundamentals before you can learn the
chords, right? You need to learn the fundamentals of the steps before you can get to this
stuff, before you can even practice, right? So now I’ve got this mystical thing, prayer, you
know? And A, this thing about deep down, man, woman, child is a fundamental idea, is
the parallel to Jesus’ teaching, which he taught the divinity of man, God within.
Not God out here. I don’t have to go find God. I have to seek, to feel, to be with God.
But I don’t have to go find God. God is not out there. God is not… I don’t have to invite
God into the room.
By the way, God’s here, you know? And what I learned about my AC is, whether I believe
in God or not is quite irrelevant to God. It doesn’t matter. Because every time I turned
around and said, help, there was help there.
(14:29 – 15:51)
That last night I drank, there was help there. A power did for me what I couldn’t do for
myself. A power did for me what I couldn’t do myself, the obsession left, you know? I
started gathering evidence that there was clearly something going on.
And it was really abhorrent to think that I’d been wrong all those years about G-O-D. But
if I’m creating the image of my creator, and that seems to be the plot, when you study
major religions and even the minor ones, and you study this, it’s apparently I’m creating
the image of my creator. If God’s going to create you or me, a man, a woman, a person,
a thing, he can only use God’s stuff.
He cannot go and say, I’m pondering a respiratory system. I think I’ll go down to Home
Depot and get some tubing and some bags, you know? So clearly, if I’m creating the
image of my creator, I’ve got everything I need. Why would God create me flawed? Why
would God create me with half of what I need, or two-thirds of what I need? Then when
you examine in your spiritual evolution, my relationship to these defects of character,
they’re not defects, they’re gifts.
(15:55 – 19:10)
Now, the people who were the recipients of my defects didn’t always see them as gifts.
But they were gifts because I could transform those things into lessons and learn, right?
And we know from 6 and 7, we know from our work, perfectly imperfect is the way I
describe it, because I am a flawed man. I will always be a flawed man.
The people that I respect the most in AA aren’t the ones that profess to… I go to
meetings, and what it sounded like to me was, I got in trouble drinking, I went to
treatment, they said, go to AA, I went to AA, they said, get a sponsor, I got a sponsor,
and I’ve been with Harold for 53 years, and I never had another damn problem in my life.
I think Kent was talking about it, I think Don mentioned it too. Recovery is not the
absence of problems.
Life is life. People are going to leave, people are going to come, they’re going to go,
they’re going to die, they’re going to get sick, you’re going to have great financial
windfalls, you’re going to have financial disasters, you’re going to have all kinds of crap
happen, because that’s life. What I need to do is I need to have a way to be with that and
not be it.
Jesus said it this way, be in the world but not of it, right? I need to find a way to separate
me from the appearance of things, and that takes practice. You know, when I’m working
with guys and trying to get them involved in this, the practice is the question. 10 and 11
are daily exercises, they’re not when you need them exercises, they’re not as needed,
right? When you think, that’s the problem, quit doing that, just do the exercise, quit
thinking.
So I got to practice. I’m not good, I’m not good, but you know, you go to medical school,
you get out with your medical license, they say, I’m a doctor, I’m practicing medicine.
They have to keep learning.
Lawyers, same thing, practicing law, you have to keep going and getting your license
renewed, and here are the new, you have to study, you have to keep learning. Well, why
in the hell do I think this is different? The worst thing I can hear in my head, and I have
not heard it for many, many years is, I got this, I got this, right? Run, run away. That’s
like when you’re sitting with the new guys and I’m working on my resentments, oh shit,
I’ll be over here, right? Working on my fear, what happens when you work on that stuff?
It multiplies.
Why? Because that’s the law, that’s the law of consciousness. So then they say, come
over here, don’t practice that stuff, identify it. After six, it’s all identification.
I identify, oh look it, dishonesty, I better work on that. Don’t do that, work on honesty. I
learned this really hard, I learned this really hard, because I was a pathological liar from
the time I was a little boy.
(19:10 – 21:52)
I would make stuff up all the time. I thought it was creativity, they said it was more of a
pathology, but I would make stuff up. I would make stuff up even when it would have
been better for me to tell the truth, right? What time is it? 2.30? I got no watch.
If you notice I have no watch, well, I’m part Indian, man, it’s 2.30, trust me. The hell’s
your problem? Right? Just insane. Dishonesty was a problem well into my recovery,
right? I lied all the time.
This is how you know it’s working. This is 10-step and 11-step application. They kind of
work hand in glove.
So as all these inventory things, 10, 11, 4, they’re all consciousness raising exercises,
just helping me get more aware of what I’m about and what’s going on, what the noise in
my head is saying, and what directions I’m following, right? So this is the way it was in
the beginning. I’d get down to the end of the day, because I never did 10-step during the
day. God, I started getting introduced to inventories, I can’t remember anything.
I got a little notebook. What do I do when I’m pissed off? Oh, let’s see. Right? By now I’ve
already blown it.
So I go back and I say, ah, I lied. And it was always after the fact. And then as my
consciousness, I became more aware, I’d be talking to Kent and I’d be going, I’d hear this
voice in my head, you’re lying, man.
And of course, I couldn’t tell him I was lying. So I just go, and I walk away and go, God,
you did it again. And then when the progression continued, I would be sitting there and
we’re getting ready to talk to you.
And I’m hearing this, what I’m going to say, and I’m going, that’s a lie. When it’s an idea,
I can stop it. When it comes out of my mouth, it’s a card played.
Right? Ah, pull that back. And then sometimes it’s even, you know, talking to Kent.
You’re looking good.
Yeah, you’re looking good too. Yeah, working out. Oh, yeah, working out.
And I’ll look at him and we’ll talk about how we’re working out and our diet and all this
stuff. And about 10 minutes in, I’ll look at him and say, Kent, you know, all this stuff
about working out and diet, that’s bullshit. I lied.
I made that up. And he goes, oh, thank you. Me too.
Right? Now I know I have evidence that I’m progressing. That’s all I got to do is make
progress in the direction of my ideal relationship with the creator. I’m never going to be
perfectly honest, but I’m more honest than I’ve ever been.
(21:53 – 22:17)
I need definitions because I am a smarmy guy. I like the gray area. You say, you know,
we got 12 steps.
I think we can boil that down to one or two. You know, I’m always looking. It just can’t be
AB.
There’s got to be a C or an A and a half. I’m a gray area guy. You know, it comes out in
conversations.
It’s not really lying. It’s really more omission. You didn’t ask the right question.
(22:17 – 22:46)
You got an answer suitable for your question. It’s partly true. Hell.
So anyway, what was I saying right before that? Progress. Oh, oh, definitions. Thank you.
So I got a definition for honesty. And it was this, the absence of any intention to deceive.
And I pucker even when I say that today, because it’s like, holy shit, that’s pretty rude.
(22:47 – 22:53)
And then there’s a caveat. Honesty without compassion is brutality. So I need to temper.
(22:55 – 23:21)
But I don’t need to temper it with me, right? I need to hold my feet to the fire because I’ll
So I need definitions like that, that are real, got really clear edges for me. I’ve come to
know, we talk about intuition, we talk about higher consciousness, we talk about God
consciousness, we talk about spiritual awareness, fourth dimension, whatever you want
to call it. I believe we all have what I call a moral compass, an internal guidance system.
(23:21 – 23:35)
We’re born with it. Everybody in this room knows when they’re being treated right.
Everyone knows when they’re being treated fairly.
Everyone knows what’s just and what isn’t. Everyone knows when you’re being talked
down to, when you’re being belittled. Everyone knows that.
(23:36 – 23:51)
I know when I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing. But God does not speak to me
with a bullhorn. And I, you know, at 12, I thought I threw out everything that I was raised
with.
(23:52 – 28:55)
Everything, all the values that I was raised with. That’s you, this is me. I’m on my way,
right? Lock up your women and children.
I’m in town. And what I found for this inventory process, and especially in the prayer and
the meditation, the insight I got was, I offended me. I always knew who I was supposed
to be.
I always knew what kind of person I was supposed to be. And I had this thing called
rationalization. I could make it so.
I could make it justifiable with the story I made up about it. And that gave me permission
to do it. And there you go, you know, example, married woman.
That’s your problem, clearly. You’re married. You have a marriage that doesn’t work.
What does that have to do with me? We talk about selfish self-centeredness. Never once
did I ever consider, ever consider what would happen to her in her marriage with her
children, with her in-laws, with her neighbors, in her career. Never once thought about
that.
I stopped the thinking that 21 white and freak and sending adults. Okay, good, move on.
That was my qualifier, right? And that’s a crappy way to live.
And every time I did that, I put another little cut in my soul. I didn’t know that. And it
makes for discomfort.
We’ve been hearing it all weekend. Restless, irritable, and discontented. I don’t know
why, but there’s this feeling in me that’s growing and growing and growing.
I don’t like me so much. I don’t know why. I just don’t like me so much.
I think it’s your fault. I have nothing to do with me. I don’t like me so much.
And so I do more of the things that are hurting me because I’ve convinced myself, you
know where my happiness is? Is getting in a relationship with you. You know where my
happiness is? An encore. You know where it is? Multi-record deal.
You know where it is? Money. You know where it is? Multiple dwellings. That’s what we
need.
More houses. We need a custom guitar collection. We need a bunch of stuff.
Goals, right? Not a bad thing. Not a bad thing. But when it gets up into the demand or in
the entitlement range, bad thing.
Because now I will compromise anything that I say I believe to get that goal. Because it’s
an argument in my interior that’s a matter of life or death. If I don’t get this, I’m not
going to make it.
And then when you get the goal, have you noticed? You need a new goal. You need a
new goal. Thomas Merton.
Ladder Wrong Long. Bill Wilson’s story. The night law course, right? I proved to you I was
somebody.
I get some status here. I’m going to get a law degree. And what did he say? As soon as
he got done with the course, the law course, he said, I realized the law wasn’t for me.
Why? Because it didn’t fill the hole. And we’re trying to fill the hole with all this stuff out
here. Money.
Education. Degrees. Accolades.
Sex. Power. Fill in the blank.
Cars. Toys. Whatever.
Right? And when you live that way, the only byproduct of that is you have a hunger for
more. I’m really lonely. I’m tired of living in apartments.
I need a condo. I get the condo. There’s the goal.
Right? They get the condo. Condo’s really nice for about three months. Right? Then I say,
I’m kind of lonely.
I think I need a girlfriend. Yep, that’s what I need. I need a girlfriend that can live with
me.
Not someone else’s girlfriend. Not someone else’s wife. But I think I get one of my own.
Yeah, I think I’m ready for that. I get her, and we get her, and we’re living in the condo
together. Isn’t this great? This is really great for about three months.
Then we’re going, there’s something missing. What is it? I think we need a kid. Yeah.
Okay, now we got a kid. Now the goddamn condo’s too small. Got a kid.
Got the girl. Got the condo. Now the condo’s… We need a house.
That’s what we need. Right? And all this time, of course, my overhead’s going up. I got to
make more money.
And it just goes on and on and on and on and on. You aren’t going to take any of that
with you. It’s all impermanent.
People are going to die. They’re going to leave. Your car’s going to get rusty.
Your body’s going to get… You know… It doesn’t work so good. So if I define myself by
that stuff, I got a real problem, don’t I? Because all I can do is get more. I don’t want that
anymore.
So now I got to find a new way to define myself. I’m going to define myself by interior
principles, internal principles and ideas that have nothing to do with my status. What
does the book say? Burn the idea into this person that they can get well regardless of
any circumstances.
I’ve seen guys living under bridges get this. And I’ve seen multi-millionaires die because
they’re too smart. Anyone can get this.
(28:55 – 30:18)
That’s what it says. We talked about the other day. Anyone can get this.
You just got to be willing to believe you’re not God, which is kind of breathtaking. I mean,
that’s really the conclusion, isn’t it? I’m willing to believe there’s a power greater than
me. What does that mean? I’m willing to believe I’m not the power.
Oh, that’s so embarrassing. When you hear yourself say it out loud, I guess I’m not God.
No kidding.
And I call it a revelation, an awakening, an experience. And everyone else is going,
finally. Right? Goofy.
What? So I have to find some principles to define myself by. And then I’m going to have
to explore what those principles mean to me. Right? Kindness, compassion, empathy,
prayer, meditation, helpfulness, love.
There’s an interesting one, love. From doing these exercises, I realized the only thing I
ever loved was my son. Everything else was a transaction.
Everything else was a transaction. Oh, I made up a story about what it was to justify
doing it. But the bottom line was I always had a backdoor.
(30:19 – 31:16)
I always had a backdoor. And you know what? When you always have a backdoor, you’ll
always take it. If there’s a backdoor in your program saying, well, maybe this God thing
is a bunch of baloney, you’ll take it.
If there’s a backdoor in your program saying, well, maybe I could smoke pot and do this,
you’ll take it. And Chapter 7 tells us, you’ve got a better idea. We’re instructed to let you
run with it.
Because until you do, you won’t be convinced. The problem is you might not live through
the experiment. Love is a good one.
When you study the religions, love is a common descriptor for God. God is love. I like
that.
God is love. No, it’s even better. God is unconditional love.
Oh, I like that even more. What does that mean? I wonder. To me, it means there is no
condition by which I am not allowed that love.
(31:18 – 32:24)
That means all the pain and the punishment in my life is not God-induced, it’s Rogerinduced. It’s from living in man’s world, on man’s terms, with man’s principles, I, me,
mine, and more. Defining myself by what I do.
Defining myself by my money. Defining myself by what you think of me. God! How do
you like the tie, Jeff? Defining myself by what you think of me.
Really? God! You know what that means? That means we’ve got 150 people in the room,
the one person who’s not paying attention, that’s the only one I can see. That’s the only
one I can see. I can’t see these others.
All I can see is that one person. Oh, they’re walking out now. Oh, Jesus, you know?
Longfellow has a prayer.
It’s either Longfellow or Wordsworth, I don’t know, it’s one of the two. But it is this, this is
the prayer. Lord, help me be free of the good opinion of others.
I like that. Don’t be subject to the praise. And don’t be subject to the criticism.
(32:25 – 33:52)
So what am I subject to? I’m subject to my inventory. I’m a subject of my analysis. How
did you show up today? Were you kind and loving? Were you helpful? What could you
have done better? These are all the questions in the 11th step are all constructive in
their nature.
Were you giving, or were you trying to get, you know? Not, what a loser, you’re still
trying to get, that’s not it. No, no, I just need to be aware, you know what? It was kind of,
and you know this from your own experience, when it’s all about me day, when it’s what
can I get out of this day, you end up with a real kind of annoying, for me, annoying kind
of an empty, just a hunger, you know? Because I’m back to that more thing. I need more.
I need more. I need more. I don’t need more.
I don’t need nothing from you. That’s freedom. I love that.
You know, I’m not saying I don’t pay attention to the criticism, but I’m criticized all the
time. If I get the same one, like if I’m doing something like this, or we’re doing a
weekend retreat or something, and I get the exact same criticism from six or eight
people, I’ll pay attention to that. Maybe I’m not showing up right.
Maybe I’m not showing up the way I’m intending. Maybe something’s being
misinterpreted, but I don’t ever argue the reality, you know? Interesting information, I
get it, you know? A lot of people don’t like me. I’m used to that, and a lot of, you know,
when I, it’s like none of it’s real.
(33:53 – 36:35)
You know, you think there should be a statue to Kent, and some of you think you should
hang him. What the hell, you know? If I’m going to base my well-being on that, I’m going
to be neurotic as hell, right? And I’m never going to trust the information I’m getting. So
what I’ll report to you today is over time, and I learned this being a musician early on, I’m
not my reviews.
Sorry. I only got one obligation, and that’s to tell you the truth. The truth of my
experience to the best of my ability, if it’s helpful, wonderful.
If it’s not, wonderful, because Jeff’s going to be up after me, right? And someone else will
be at your meeting Monday, and so, you know, it’s because I don’t know. That’s fine.
That’s fine, but this has got to be real.
It can’t be theory. It can’t be box checking. I used to, you know, in the early days, we
have the inventory sheets with the check the box thing.
I hate that, because what happens when you get to the fifth step, you see, I know you
were selfish. Tell me how you were selfish. Oh, that’s a different question.
It’s supposed to be a reflective, internal reflection on these ideas, right? So I’m much
more interested in how this is working for you and how it’s not working for you. I’m
looking for something. Oh, here.
This is so bizarre when I think of it in terms of my recovery, because it happens so early
in the book, and there is a solution. The great fact is just this and nothing less, just this
and nothing less, that we’ve had deep and effective spiritual experiences, which have
revolutionized our whole attitude, our whole approach towards life, towards our fellows,
and towards God’s universe. You get it? Yeah.
Central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered in
our hearts, you can read this two ways, and lives, hearts and lives, or hearts and lives, in
a way which is indeed miraculous. He, if you don’t like the pronoun, put your own in. He
has commenced to accomplish those things for us, which we could never do by
ourselves.
The great fact is not that I’m employable again. The great fact is not that I’m finally
getting laid. The great fact is not that I’m out of debt.
The great fact is not that I found the most kick-ass sponsor in the universe. The great
fact, competition, I hate that. If that’s the great fact, early in recovery, I’m in deep doodoo, if that’s the great fact.
(36:35 – 36:49)
And what happens is, in this process, we get relief. You’re supposed to get relief, and we
confuse it for recovery. The heat’s coming off, things are doing pretty well.
(36:50 – 39:00)
You know, done four or five amends now, and that little voice comes and says, you have
been doing very well, let’s take a break. It doesn’t sound like let’s take a break, it’s just, I
think I’ll watch the game instead of go to the meeting, right? I don’t think I got to race
through these amends, we’re doing pretty well, making some progress. And I get
confused, I get hypnotized by the results that God has given me in this process, and I
think, there you go, I’m recovered, I got this.
I got this. I got this is a death note for me. I never got this.
I’m just going to get better at it. And that’s a comfort today. When they said in the book,
this should continue for a lifetime, I’m going, oh Jesus, I got stuff to do.
I’m running around with this stupid notebook in my pocket because I can’t remember
anything. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when I get mad. I remember this.
I think Don and I were talking about this, I had a little problem with spontaneity and
laying my hands on people. And they said, what you do is you put your hands in your
pocket and you make a fist. You can’t pull your hand out of your pocket when it’s in a fist
without going, oh, look at him.
Oh, I’m getting ready to tear his face off. That’s what that thug is. Oh, we’re not going to
go there, right? I got to find a way to create the pause, to create a space between the
stimulus and what would be my reaction.
Create the space, pause, ask for an intuitive thought or direction. That space, that gap is
for God to enter my thinking. If I’m not creating that, all I’m doing is reacting, which is
why my life is so damn unsatisfactory.
I thought all my life, I’m calling the shots, I’m doing this, I’m doing that. I never called
any shots. I was totally reactionary and it was all fear and shame based.
It was just like, what do I need to do to get through this? Kindergarten. I got kicked out of
kindergarten. Does not play well with others.
(39:01 – 39:16)
God, it started there. I’m so misunderstood and I’m so sensitive. So, thanks for another
shitty day.
(39:19 – 44:20)
It occurred to me, I don’t expect anyone to align with this, but I’m just saying, for prayer,
any thought can be a prayer. When I’m sitting around worrying and I’m full of fear, that’s
a prayer. I’m offering to the universe.
I’m saying, oh God, am I scared? I really don’t want this to happen. What? I really don’t
want to lose my job. I really don’t want to lose my job and you know what? I didn’t sleep
last night because I was so worried about losing my job and now I’ve been chronically
late for two weeks and I’ve lost my job.
Oh, I knew it. I’m such a loser. No, I created that.
I prayed on it. The problem was that God was fear. I think they’re right.
I think that the knee thing, hit your knees, is an important thing. But I think where I’ve
got to really be on my knees is in here. Because I can get lost in the ritual.
I can get lost in the pomposity. Yes, I’m hitting my knees. I’m so spiritual.
I’m so humble. I’m so full of shit, right? But I’m looking good because I’m hitting all my
marks. I’m going to the jail meeting.
I’m doing it externally. It looks great. It’s all compliance and conformity because after a
while, I don’t know why I’m doing this.
And until you give me a principle, until you give me a reason why I’m doing this, it
doesn’t make any sense. To me, it’s just busyness. Over here, I was distracted by the
chaos of my life.
Now, I’m over here distracted by going to the jail and doing this and doing that and
whatever. That’s got to get real to me. Where it got real to me was sponsorship.
I started caring about someone I didn’t know 30 minutes ago. I started caring about how
that guy was doing. The other thing it does is it drives you right into the part of your
programs, the parts of your program that are weak.
And I start caring so much about you that I start studying. I think I’m studying for you.
I’m studying.
I’m the beneficiary. Whether you get sober or not, I’m the beneficiary because of the
weekend with you. When we spend time together, we never get that time back.
I have sacrificed my agenda for you. That’s why when I sit down and talk with you, I am
not going to talk about the Vikings and the Packers and the weather. Oh, how cold it is.
It’s cold. It’s winter. It’s supposed to be cold.
Get over it. I want to know what’s going on inside because I don’t know if I’m ever going
to talk to you again. So when I talk to you, whether it’s one-on-one, whether it’s like this,
I’m going to tell you the truth as I know it for me.
I’m not going to bullshit you. I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to make a bunch of stuff
up.
That’s not my job. My job is to testify. Bear witness.
This is part of how this thing is manifested. I need to watch me. How do I watch me? I
watch me with those questions.
Selfish, inconsiderate, dishonest. Then I have a procedure to follow. Did you ask to have
it removed? Why is it chronic? Why does it keep coming back? There’s a new prayer.
God, show me what you’re asking me to learn here. Show me what I’m being asked to
learn because I’m tired of this lesson. I’m tired of doing this over and over and over.
I’d like to know. Gently. I’d like to know what I’m being asked to learn.
Prayer. You know, it’s true. Here’s the story about prayer.
I prayed to God to have my financial problems addressed. What I was thinking when I
said that prayer, God, help me with these credit cards because I’m a financial genius.
You already picked that up.
I had about $60,000 worth of credit card debt. I had about 12, 15 credit cards, all maxed.
All I know for sure is I bought a set of tires.
Right? We’re out to dinner. I’ll buy. Oh, no.
I’ll buy. Oh, you need a lamp? I’ll buy you a lamp. Moving? Don’t have any money? I’ll
pay for the mover.
Right? So I’m getting crushed. I’m like 10 years sober and I’m getting crushed. I’m
saying, God, please.
I’m willing. I’m willing. I just, I need to get out from under this financial thing.
And I’m, in my mind, this is called outlining in metaphysics. In my mind, I’m thinking, I’m
praying. I’m being really good.
And I’m going to wake up tomorrow and there’s going to be a wheelbarrow full of money.
No. The prayer was answered.
And the prayer was answered this way. I was brought to my knees. I could not play the
game another day.
And I said, again, what would you have me do here? And the voice said, cut up the cards.
And I always said, I’ll cut up the cards when they’re paid off. You never cut them up
because they’re never paid off.
Right? Cut them up. Cut them up. And I’m going, really? Oh, shit.
(44:21 – 46:58)
Right? This is how much faith I have. So I cut them up. Cut them up one at a time and
put them in an envelope.
And on the envelope, I put the 800 number to call and the credit card number just in
case. Because money was security. Money is not security.
I had all that money. It did not make me secure. It made me insecure.
God is my security. These principles are my security. I have to have something that’s
elastic and everlasting and not at all affected by this crap in the three dimensions.
Just, I can’t do that. I saw examples of that in my A meeting. I was astounded.
Cancer is back. Oh. And he’s laughing.
Ah, we’ll see. Cancer is in remission. She left.
We’ll see. She came back. We’ll see.
Lost my business. Ah, this will be interesting. You know, it’s like, I’m watching this.
I’m seeing the demonstration of men that live from a higher place. And it’s really
impressive. Because I would look at it and say, God, I would really like to be like that
someday if I ever grow up.
Right? I’d really like to be like that. But you know, then I go talk to them. I interview
them.
And I say, tell me about this. Tell me what you do. And they tell me what they do.
And it ended up being like this. I want what you have, but I’m willing to do nothing to get
there. Right? That’s entitlement.
I want what you have. I’d like to be 20 years sober. But you know what? You’re three
months sober.
And that’s what you’re going to be if you’re lucky. So we’ve got to meet you where you
are and walk out of that together. You can’t just flip a switch and go, oh, now I have
peace.
That was Jack Daniels in three second alls. That was peace. Right? You have to work your
way there.
Right? It’s effortless. This is why it seems so weird. Why is it so hard to do this? It’s not
that hard.
It just takes practice and discipline. It’s easy to default to fear. It’s easy to say, oh, I’m
screwed.
Loser. Loser. That’s why everything’s the way it is.
I’m a loser. Right? Takes no energy to do that. To walk out a loser takes energy.
It takes mental effort. Really? I keep saying, I keep declaring, I’m a child of God. Loved
and protected.
Well, then act like it. Is that in your actions? I’ve created the image of my creator. If
that’s true, we’re all family.
(47:00 – 47:11)
That means we’re the princes and the princesses of the Father. That means we’re
royalty. Wouldn’t it be different if we treated each other that way? Like you’re precious? I
mean, precious.
(47:11 – 48:03)
I don’t want your ass. I don’t want your cash. You’re precious.
Just the way you are. God, would it be different? I’d be thinking about you and how
wonderful you are and the gifts you had to bring. Not about me.
And have you noticed my gifts? Right? I was a guy when I was at the height of my
powers, which is equivalent for the height of my disease. I’m a rock and roll guy. I got
hair down to my waist.
I live in black leather. Right? And I had a persona. And if I was in the room, you knew I
was in the room.
Right? But this was who I was. I would be walking across the crosswalk at a stoplight. I
don’t look right.
(48:04 – 48:09)
I don’t look left. I got two black holes for eyes. And I hear this click, click, click, click,
click.
(48:10 – 48:15)
People are just locking their doors. And I’m thinking, that’s right. You know who’s here.
(48:16 – 48:25)
Lock your doors. Hide your women and children and your money. Right? I went from that
to this.
(48:31 – 49:41)
I had a very contentious relationship with my dad. It went into our sobriety. And it didn’t
stay that way.
But what happened was, we do things on principle that we think we know what’s going
on. We never know what’s going on. I never know what’s going on.
Okay? So, example. I’m like seven years sober. I got custody of my son.
Single pop. Single parents in the room. You know, that is a job.
Right? I find out very quickly I have no feminine side. I got no nurturing. I’m just like
clueless.
I had enough recovery to know I need to get some help. So what did I do? I went to a
school psychologist that was teaching parenting classes. Took some parenting classes so
I could be a better parent.
That was the intention. Right? Along the way, unintended consequence. I’m now getting
on with the Mr. Mom thing.
I’m doing pretty good. And it occurs to me. Because I blamed my parents for most of my
situation.
Genetically, circumstantially. The way I was raised. The non-nurturing, shame-based
environment.
(49:42 – 49:55)
Whatever. Right? They were the reason I was the way I was, mostly. And I had this thing.
I was meditating. And this came into my mind. I saw an image of my parents.
(49:57 – 50:06)
And I was newborn. And they were looking in the bassinet. And they looked at each other
and said, what do you say? Spend the next 40 years of our life committed to screwing
this kid up.
(50:08 – 50:15)
And I went, oh. And the aha, of course, was they did the best they could with what they
had. Now I get to compassion, empathy, understanding, and forgiveness.
(50:16 – 50:57)
Interesting, when I quit blaming them and I came off my cross, oh poor me, I became
responsible. I became responsible for me. I wasn’t blaming them anymore.
Right? I went, another unintended consequence. So I went to talk to my dad. Because I
had to buff up those amends I did a little bit, you know.
And I’m sitting, my dad was a pretty stoic guy. Some of you knew my dad. And it was not
known for his warm, fuzzy side.
But anyway, I was sitting in, he was in his chair, I was in my mom’s chair. They’re about
six, eight feet apart. And I was going through this amend with him about, I had a little
greater understanding of what kind of son I’d shown up to be.
(50:58 – 51:08)
And I was talking to him and somewhere in the conversation, I’d left the chair and I was
kneeling beside him. And my head was in his lap. And he was running his fingers through
my hair.
(51:08 – 53:03)
And he said, oh Sonny, I only ever wanted the best for you. And he was crying and I was
crying. And the game changed.
Everything didn’t get better instantly. But what happened was, we connected on a
different level. And I made a decision.
Instead of, instead of amplifying the things that we’re never going to agree on, like
politics, like your wife, all those things that we don’t agree on, I’m not going to do that.
I’m just going to work with the things that we do have in common. And I’m going to go
do some things to develop some more common ground with him.
And I did. And over time, this is all because I want to be a better parent, by the way. Set
in motion trains of circumstances I couldn’t possibly imagine.
The last thing my dad did in AA was his trustee. And before he took that, we had some
conversations. And he was concerned that he wasn’t going to be able to live through it.
Just because it’s a hard job. And I said I’d help him. And so I was his secretary.
And he was a writer. Anyway, out of that, he got done with that. And he ended up in the
hospital with congestive heart failure, had some emphysema, and almost died.
So I’m in the hospital with him. And I had, being the concerned son that I am, I had
reconstructed his prescriptions. And I knew when he quit taking them.
I said, Pop, are you trying to kill yourself? That’s the question. He said, no, I’m just really
tired. I said, okay.
So we got through that. And it turns out now he’s developing Alzheimer’s. And I had to
get them to the table with their wills.
Because their wills weren’t current. And that was a chore. And I got them to the table,
created this estate plan for them.
(53:03 – 53:37)
And my dad wanted to be the executor of his will, the executor of his living will. I’m the
plug puller. And my mom wanted the same thing.
So then we fast forward. And we get all that stuff put together. And he’s losing his mind.
I’m finding bearer bonds. You know what bearer bonds are? They’re investments you
make. You get these little coupons.
And whoever’s got the coupon, whoever’s bearing the coupon can cash it at the bank.
I’m finding files of these things. I’m going, what bank? What’s that? So anyway, forensic
banking, I know a lot about that.
(53:38 – 57:58)
But anyway, so this thing is evolving. And finally, he ends up in the hospital. And he’s not
going to get out unless they do heart surgery.
And he was right. He said, if I go in the hospital, I’ll never get out. And he never did.
But it was interesting, because they were prepping him for surgery. And he was very
stoned. And we were giving him crap about having to get a desire chip and start over
again.
Step one, dad. And we were saying goodbye to him. They’re taking him to the operating
suite.
And he was stoned, right? And he thought my sister was my brother. And we were like,
ah. And I reached down.
I kissed myself. See you later, Pop. And he grabbed me under the blanket.
And stone cold sober, he said, take care of your mother. Oh, yeah. He never regained
consciousness.
Blew a whole hemisphere and half the other hemisphere. And it did not meet the
requirements of his living will. And so there I am.
I’m going to pull the plug. And it took some time. But anyway, the last thing he told me
was take care of your mother.
I don’t like my mother. What did they do to me? Take care of your mother. Yeah, dad.
Oh, shit. And so then I did. And when I say I don’t like my mother, it doesn’t mean I don’t
love her.
It means on the level of personality, we didn’t have a lot in common. But she was a good
woman. And she did the very best with what she could.
And as a matter of fact, she did stuff that to me would be on a heroic level. She married
an alcoholic, lived with an alcoholic. Her dad was an alcoholic.
She grew up with an alcoholic. All her kids were alcoholics. She spent 50 years of her life
with active alcoholism.
I would have left. In fact, I did leave. I abandoned my family.
So this is an interesting situation I’m in. And then she has the nerve to have a stroke.
She has a stroke.
She’s in the hospital. This is all because I want to be a better dad. You following this? It’s
all because I want to be a better dad.
She’s a stroke in the hospital. She’s in the hospital for a month. A weekend, they say she
is never going to live independently again.
Now I’ve got to find her a place to rehab. I’ve got to find her a place to live. I’ve got to
sell her house.
I’ve got to sell all the crap. Right? I don’t know how to show up for that except for what
I’ve learned here. I don’t even know that I’m ready for that.
You know why you’re ready for it? Because it’s here. Why is this happening? Because it’s
time. That’s why.
Why am I being asked to do this? Because you need to learn something. When I’m fit, it’s
an opportunity. When I’m scared, it’s a problem.
And when I’m walking around going problem, problem, problem, problem, problem, I go,
gut check, tweak it. Not a problem. Opportunity.
What am I being asked to learn? Not why is this happening to me? Right? So I got to walk
my dad out. I got to walk my mom out. I think there are two really, really interesting
moments.
One is the birth and one is the death. And our culture doesn’t do well with death. We did
well with death.
I did well with death. And I was prepped for this too. So at the end of the day, I was there
for my mom.
I was there for my dad. And this guy who would walk across the crosswalk and you would
intuitively know you should lock yourself in the car, ends up being the most trusted
person in their lives. I trust you with our money.
I trust you with my wishes. I trust that you will execute this because I know what kind of
man you are. Are you kidding me? And my dad was a great example.
My dad was Miami. Imperfect man, but a good man. I saw, we studied the history.
Imperfect men, but good men. You know, I studied the history and they’re going, oh, we
need rent at the club, right? And Harry’s going to jail for a year. They go to Harry’s place,
sell all his furniture to pay rent at the club.
(57:58 – 58:05)
I’m going, I can work with that. I can work with that. As long as you don’t have to be
perfect.
(58:05 – 58:30)
I like knowing that they had problems. I like knowing they were flawed. It doesn’t mean
you can’t do good work.
It doesn’t mean you’re not useful. It doesn’t mean God can’t use you as an instrument. It
means there’s more work to do.
That’s all. Lean into it. Lean into it.
Perfectly imperfect, right? Perfectly imperfect. God will do for me what I can’t do for
myself. Lift me up.
(58:30 – 58:55)
I’m on a different basis. I’m on a totally different basis. That did not happen in a
thunderclap.
That happened over years of progressing with these ideas. I am not my body. That’s the
great get.
A lot of the texts you read talk about consciousness. We are consciousness. This is the
form in which that consciousness is held.
(58:56 – 1:00:26)
Interesting about my parents dying. In the early 80s, I sponsored a lot of gay guys. They
all died of AIDS.
And they all died in my arms. And I’m going, this is weird. Why are they asking me to be
with them? And why am I, you know, what is this about? And this is about it.
You’re holding someone and they cease to exist on this plane. You can feel the life force
leave their body. They didn’t die.
I mean, it’s quite apparent. The body goes cold and you look at it and you can see it for
what it is. It’s a skin bag.
It’s a space suit. You know, it’s just the container. That’s all.
But something definitely left. And I said, what is that about? And then years later, the
reason that all happened was to be there for my dad. They stroke my dad and I would sit
with him during the day.
And people come by and they’re going, oh, God, please don’t leave. Please don’t leave.
He’s gone.
No, please don’t leave. Those are the people that have unfinished business. But my
sense was that his presence was up in the room behind me.
It wasn’t in his body. And when we unplugged that body from the respirator, he’d let go.
He’d let go.
And I thought, this is going to be weird. I’ve lost my dad. I haven’t lost my dad.
I haven’t lost those mentors. I haven’t lost those guys that were profound influences in
my life because they live in me. They live through me.
(1:00:26 – 1:00:42)
They live in the teachings they taught me. And they’re in my actions. I don’t feel the
absence of my dad.
I feel the closeness of my dad. I don’t feel my mom being so close right now. She was
really tired when she left.
(1:00:42 – 1:00:48)
She was 96 and she was really tired. Interesting statement about her. And I’ll get off
here.
(1:00:54 – 1:01:23)
I didn’t talk too much about meditation directly. Sorry. But my mom had a hard life.
And my brother came to be with us the last couple weeks she was alive. And she had not
woken up for a couple days. And he was talking to her about how much he loved her,
and how much he cared about her.
And then there was a pause. He said, Mom, do you love me? And she came out of the
coma. She said, I love everybody.
(1:01:23 – 1:01:36)
Not a bad deal. 96 years on the planet living with five alcoholics. And the last thing you
say on the planet Earth is, I love everybody.
Pretty good deal. Thank you.
The Recovery Speakers team is able to share and continue this work solely through donations from our users and supporters. Please consider a donation.
