AA - Alcoholics Anonymous
April 13, 2024
(0:00 – 3:28)
Good morning, everybody. My name is Sandy Beach, and I’m an alcoholic. It’s great to be
here this morning.
It’s been a wonderful conference, very powerful speakers. I’ve taken a lot of wonderful
strength, knowledge, and energy with me when I go back to Tampa. I always like to talk
to those of you that may be new to AA and try and let you know that it’s 100 times more
than you think it is.
In the beginning, it seems like, wow, I’m sober. This is really wonderful. But it just unfolds
more and more every year.
And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been sober. It’s just beginning. We haven’t arrived
anywhere.
It’s just beginning. It’s just there’s so much more that’s going to be available to us as we
open more to the power of this program. I love to just be around the big book.
It’s a very comforting thing. And when I think what this is, this book is all about one
thing, seeking God, as you may understand him. But that’s what it’s all about, where it
says he could and would if he were sought.
And that’s our job after we come in here is to do this seeking. And we’re given a game
plan for doing that through these 12 steps and having home groups and conferences and
sponsors to push us along. Because as much as I enjoy the rewards and the fruits of the
spiritual effort, there’s part of me that doesn’t want anything to do with it.
You know, part of me knows that this morning I’m going to talk a lot about God. And part
of me is going, why do you have to talk about God all the time? Why don’t you talk about
me? You know, I’m tired of God getting the credit. God, get the credit.
God, this is a God given program. This is God. This is God.
You know, I’m important too. And so that’s our struggle, because we’re two beings all
locked into one little package here. And one part wants to go this way.
And the other part is trying to accomplish what we were sent here for, which is to
overcome the part that doesn’t want anything to do with spiritual growth and God and
spiritual principles and sharing and becoming smaller and smaller and smaller and
smaller until there’s nothing left but a higher power, a channel through which this higher
power can do all the great works that we see here in AA. And I was thinking about some
of the things that AA has given me. And when I think about, you know, single instances,
well, I suppose one is I’ve had the same sponsor for 36 and a half years, which is a
wonderful thing.
(3:31 – 4:03)
And that’s a wonderful gift to have that same person who came to my house to get me.
That was before the treatment centers and all that. And it would seem like sponsors back
then were divinely appointed.
You know what I mean? They came to your house and got you. And it must be so difficult
now when you come in and you go now go find a sponsor. It’s like that’d be like being
sent out to go find a parent.
(4:09 – 4:53)
Well, how do I know this will be the one that’ll really take care of me? And I sometimes
think at the groups, we ought to just put all the names in a hat and then go, oh, you
need a sponsor. Well, we’ll get the senior man here to reach in. Your sponsor is Joe.
And it would, it would look like it was divinely appointed. You follow what I’m saying? And
so there’s that, there was that initial relationship. And then of course, after these years
has become a deep, deep friendship.
And I’m very grateful for my close, close friend, Bill P, Bill T, who’s up in Virginia. And we
talk on a regular basis. And it’s been wonderful.
(4:55 – 8:13)
Now, the next thing I was thinking about occurred about two and a half years ago.
During the course of about six months, both my parents passed away. They’re both 93,
lived long and wonderful lives.
And my mother ended up with a terminal illness. She was in a hospice. And my sister’s
got 25 years in AA.
And fortunately, she was living nearby in Connecticut. And so she said, you better come
up. So I came up and stayed about a week.
And she was doing pretty good. So I said, well, I’ll go back. So I went back.
And then I get the phone call, come on back. Probably only be another day or two. So I
went back up and I went over to the hospice.
My father was over there and my mother was under the heavy sedation. So she wouldn’t
feel any pain. So she was sort of sound asleep.
And so I came over to the bed and I just said, hi, mom. And she opened her eyes and just
smiled. You wouldn’t believe the smile.
Her whole face lit up. She didn’t really say anything. And then she kind of went back to
sleep.
And I was out in the hallway later and the nurse said, I’ve never seen her that happy.
Now, see, this is the guy that broke her heart. This is the guy that just you know, she had
all these dreams for and worked so hard to send me to college and they saved money
and did all that.
And then I just took off and went right down the drain and ended up in a nut ward. And
they came down to see me in there and they didn’t know how to talk. It was so painful.
And even after I’ve been sober 10 years or so, I was speaking up in Connecticut and I
said, would you like to go to this conference and hear me? No, I don’t want to go. I don’t
want to go. And later on, I found out why she didn’t want to hear about all the pain I
went through.
She just didn’t want to hear that. So here was what they gave me was when I showed up,
she smiled and was the happiest the nurse ever saw her. And so it had fixed everything.
It had healed and gone beyond that. It just was wonderful. And so it was a very happy
event to see this ending of a wonderful life.
And so that’s something that I really got. Then I got other gifts that have come in. And I
share some of these so that if you’re new, you understand when we’re talking about
what does it mean when we’re working the program? How does that affect our lives? And
I can give you a good example.
I really like to read prayers, think about prayers. I love the prayer of St. Francis. I’m
reading a book about St. Francis.
He wrote that stuff 900 years ago. And it’s still so powerful. When you read that, make
me a channel like peace.
I mean, it’s just like, whoa. And so for those of you new, why would be reading this stuff?
Why is it important to be using these thoughts that have been written down? It’s
because they don’t come to us naturally. That’s not how I think.
(8:13 – 11:05)
I don’t get up in the morning just, boy, I sure hope I’m a channel of peace today. I just
want to go out. I just get up going, I’m afraid.
I don’t know what’s going on. They’re going to get me. It’s awful.
Don’t get close to people. Don’t trust anybody. OK.
OK, so that’s me. OK. But then if I read some of these thoughts and ideas, they take me
to a different place.
And I’m up there, and I’m going, make me a channel of that peace. Make me a channel
of that peace. And so there’s some sort of a change taking place, but it’s very slow.
You can’t feel it, and it’s not always there. But it becomes part of us. And I went to Las
Vegas last weekend and spoke there, and then went to Laughlin and talked out there.
It’s a long trip. And I’ll tell you, traveling, the older you get, man, everything hurts. I
mean, just leaning on my wrists hurt.
So I’m going out, and it’s like I can’t get my back fixed and all that stuff. And it seems it
takes like nine hours or whatever. So I finally get there, and I don’t like casinos.
The energy is just, oh. So I try to go off and do other things. So I’m complaining, OK? You
can hear the, oh.
And I have a great time. I love the people. And Bob D, I’m over his home group, and I just
had delight visiting and all that.
But this travel and hotel stuff, so I finally make it through. And I get up at 5 and go out to
drive back to Las Vegas, get on the plane. And I’m telling my body, which is going, is this
over yet? Is this? And I’m going, hang in there.
Hang in there, babe. We’ve got eight more hours, and we’ll be home. And you can take a
little nap, and you can go to your home group meeting Sunday night.
Don’t worry. Hang in there. So I’m on the plane.
It’s got two seats on the left, three seats on the right. I’m against the window, and the
lady’s sitting next to me. And they’re not going out of the gate because they’re trying to
get two people to volunteer to get off the plane for $300 so they can get the overbooked
people on the plane.
And this is going on and going on and going on. And I’m not paying attention, but I’m just
sort of going, are we ready yet? All of a sudden, there’s a guy standing in the aisle who is
6′ 5″, and he weighs 450 to 500 pounds if he weighs an ounce. And the stewardess is
explaining to him that he’s going to have to get in one of these two center seats.
(11:08 – 11:28)
And he’s looking over there, and he’s embarrassed about the whole thing. And he’s
standing there, and he’s not talking, but he’s just going like this. And he started to grab
his bag out of the overhead.
I guess he was going to get off the plane. And the lady next to me jumps up and says, I’ll
take one of the middle seats. He can have my seat.
(11:31 – 12:19)
So he came over and said, and the only way you can sit down is to lift up the armrest.
And as he got in, just sitting, he took up half of my seat. His knee was up against the tray
table.
And I couldn’t adjust the seat because the arm is up here, and you can’t get the button.
And I was like this. And I started planning what I was going to say to that lady when we
got to Dallas.
Thanks a lot, you son of a bitch. I mean, that’s me, OK? That is me. And I sat there, and I
just went two and a half hours.
(12:19 – 12:59)
I’m like, whoa. And then it was like a thought and a voice, a thought and a voice. And it’s
just like it came right into this ear.
It’s me, but it’s not me. And it just came in, and it said, take a look at that guy. Do you
see how embarrassed he is? Do you see that he won’t even turn his head to look at you?
He knows he is practically squeezing you out of the airplane, and he probably feels this
way every time he travels.
(12:59 – 14:00)
I’ll tell you what your job is. Your job is to make him feel comfortable. That’s what your
job is.
I felt like I’d been let out of jail because I had just given me the assignment of two and a
half hours of resentment. And this was like a new freedom. I had just been granted a
total new freedom, and I really relished the job.
I said, that’s right. He really is uncomfortable with this. How are you? And I had to go like
this.
His head was up here. How are you? Yeah, where are you going? I’m going to
Birmingham. Well, listen, well, you know, and you travel.
Yeah, I have to travel a lot. It’s hard. And I say, yeah, I guess it is really.
And I didn’t ache. I had no pains. Two and a half hours like this.
(14:00 – 14:31)
And it was like, yeah. And I could feel his body relax. I feel his body.
And it felt great that his body relaxed. And I just went there. It was like effortless.
Now, the next leg to Tampa, no problems. I got the full seat. I got everything, all the
room I want.
I had more aches and pains because now I was back to focusing on me. I had no one to
help. And I was back, you know.
(14:31 – 17:26)
And so where did that thought voice come from? Well, this is what sobriety is, as far as
I’m concerned. We are just taking a series of actions, going down this spiritual path for
no apparent reason. I mean, you know, it doesn’t it’s not like drinking where you go,
boom, and you get the result just like that.
So it makes a lot of sense. It just isn’t that way. But when I look at what happens in this
seeking, I was thinking about trying to look at the disease of alcoholism as I think it may
have been John’s.
There’s so many definitions that I’ll try another one this morning just for the fit what
we’re talking about this morning. And I’m thinking about the chapter of the agnostic
where and that’s what that’s my one of my favorite chapters. And when I first came in, I
thought that, you know, I didn’t read the book.
I look at the chapter heads because my sponsor wanted me to know about the book. And
I’m going, this is this is ridiculous. You know, you remember in the beginning, what is
this? I don’t need a book.
I need a loan. There’s nothing in there about a loan. And I remember looking at that
chapter, the agnostic, and I said, that’ll probably be my chapter.
I figured this was going to tell agnostics how to stay sober, like a separate program from
all the rest of the spiritual nuts that were over here into God and steps and all that. It
was only later on that I read the chapter and I realized this is what it said. It said, change
your mind, become a former agnostic.
That’s what it says. So anyway, in there is in the second paragraph, first pair somewhere
in there, it says, if when you honestly try, you find that you cannot stop entirely. And if
when you are drinking, you have little control over the amount that you consume, you
may be an alcoholic.
If that be the case. And here we come to the definition of alcoholism. If that be the case,
you may be suffering from an illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer.
Now, how’s that for a definition? You may be suffering from an illness that only a spiritual
experience can conquer. I mean, what is the illness? You know what I mean? I thought it
had to do with drinking. And here it’s just saying, no, no, no, no.
You have this situation that only a spiritual experience can conquer. So you have to kind
of work backwards. You know how they work backwards and they were sailing the ships
in the 1500s or whatever it was, and people kept getting scurvy.
(17:27 – 17:40)
And then they started stacking oranges on the ship and then they ate them and then
they didn’t get it anymore. So you didn’t have to be a doctor. You could go, I think scurvy
is an orange deficiency.
(17:42 – 17:54)
You know what I mean? You just work backwards. That’s an interesting way to look at
alcoholism. Instead of looking at all the scientific symptoms, you look at the solution and
then work backwards.
(17:55 – 22:39)
If the solution is a spiritual experience, what is the disease? Well, it must be the absence
of a spiritual experience, must be a lack of spirituality is the problem. And we try to fix it
with alcohol, which is a spiritual solution of some sort. If you stretch your imagination
and in my case, alcohol worked in a very spiritual way.
It was a higher power. It changed my perception of reality. It transformed the world into
a wonderful place to live in all while I was just standing there, just standing there, wasn’t
doing anything.
Nothing changed. All the players are still the same. And I go bump, bump, bump, bump.
And it went from threatening, hostile, rotten people into friends that I can hardly wait to
meet. That’s what alcohol did. So I always wanted to live in the friendly world.
And I hated going back to the hostile world. I hated getting sober. And so when people
say, why don’t you just not drink? I would just go.
Do you know what happens when you don’t drink? You are sober all the time. You never
get a break ever. You know, and just trying to stay sober like during the working hours.
Okay, it’s 430. Okay, I’ll get busy. I’ll stay, you know, because five o’clock I can go get a
drink and my body is telling me, get down, get, go, you need it, you need it.
So I’m going, okay, 430. Okay, I’m going to get busy. I’ll go get these files.
I’ll study this. Take my mind off of that. I work and work and work and work.
I look up, it’s 431. Somebody’s screwing with the clocks. I make a time stop.
When am I going to get there? When am I going to get there? When am I going to get
there? Finally, it’s five o’clock. I go into the bar and you remember how we were, we just
went in rushing, rushing, rushing. And the bartender comes over and says, yes, sir.
And I go, go ahead and wait on them. I’m not in a hurry. Because I didn’t want it to
appear that I was eager, that I needed this alcohol.
And my body inside is going, what are you doing up there? We had an emergency down
here. You’re going to… And then finally we poured it in. And 15 minutes later, I’m going
to myself, what was it I was so upset about when I came in here? There’s nothing wrong
now.
Now I’m complete. I’m happy, joyous, and free. I’m in the center of love of the entire
universe.
This is awesome. So that’s what drinking was. And in a way, that’s what the spiritual path
is about, except it’s not a chemical one.
It is taking certain actions that will produce the power to see the world as it really is. And
that’s why Chuck Chamberlain, I just love Chuck. I was such a privilege to know him.
And I went to his house and sat in his chair and looked out over the Pacific Ocean. And
those of you, if you haven’t listened to his tapes, you ought to get some of Chuck’s. And
really he’s a wonderful, wasn’t just a powerful teacher.
We got some great teachers in AA. My sponsor was one, and Chuck was certainly one.
And he said that getting sober was like getting a new pair of glasses.
And when you picked them up and put them on and took another look, you just loved
what you saw. Man, look at this world. I’m so glad I live in it.
But it takes power to hold that vision. So we have to constantly work on establishing and
maintaining contact with the power to see that world. Because as soon as we let up on
our spiritual activities, the power shuts off and we start seeing the threatening world
again.
And that’s why daily practices are so important in meetings and calling and reading. Put
the power, the spiritual power in so that when we look around, we see the world that we
like. I like to think of sobriety is the power.
(22:41 – 23:25)
To remove all the problems so that there’s nothing for alcohol to fix. And when there’s
nothing for alcohol to fix, it’s really easy to stay sober. I mean, that’s why we needed to
drink so bad.
I got to fix this. I can’t stand this anymore. Well, if that’s fixed, if it’s removed for that
moment, then it’s real easy to stay sober.
You want a drink? No, I don’t need one. I’m perfectly fine just the way it is. And that’s just
a wonderful thing.
So anyway, one of the things that Chuck said that I just, you know, I find things that I
read. I’m going to share a few of them this morning. The first time you hear him, you just
go, I think that’s a little too extreme.
(23:25 – 23:45)
I think that’s a little extreme. And Chuck would say, you know, everybody’s running
around thinking that it’s their job to take care of themselves. Because if I don’t take care
of myself, who will? Even the old saying, God takes care of those who takes care of
themselves.
(23:47 – 24:21)
And I heard an Al-Anon lady one time say, that’s not it. God takes care of those that ask.
That’s who God takes care of.
But Chuck goes even further. He says, it’s not even your job to take care of yourself.
That’s God’s job.
Your job is to do his work. That’s your job. Just do his stuff and you’ll be taken care of.
And so I was going, well, I’ve certainly seen that. I was thinking, like that airplane
incident. All of a sudden, I was doing his work and he took care of me fine.
(24:21 – 25:02)
I had no aches or pains, didn’t have anything. And I’ve had this in terms of finances and
all kinds of stuff. I was staying active doing this and that.
And all of a sudden, an event would happen and I would be taken care of. And I was
thinking about Bill Wilson. You could look at this and go, geez, look at Bill.
Here he is. He was really doing the work. I mean, man, he was just committed to this and
struggling, trying.
Of course, he had all these crazy ideas about how to make AA go and he was going to
get paid missionaries and raise millions and millions of dollars and start hospitals and all
that kind of stuff. And none of it would work. He couldn’t get any money at all.
(25:03 – 25:14)
Just he’s just broke. I mean, you talk about broke. It’s you got to read if you’re new and
you think you’re broke.
Read about Bill. I mean, there he is. So he’s he’s writing the big book.
(25:14 – 25:44)
They’re in the drafts, the final drafts, and they get evicted from their house in Brooklyn.
They’re out in the street and they can’t afford to put the furniture in storage and they got
no to stay. And you would say, well, he’s been doing God’s work all along.
I don’t see God taking care of him. What’s this deal? Well, what happens next? The AA
community goes, we got to keep him going. He’s essential to keeping this whole thing
going.
(25:44 – 27:27)
So let’s pass the hat and we’ll come up with a weekly amount of money for him and Lois
and we’ll get him an old beat up car. And we got a cabin over here that he can stay in for
a couple of months. Then he can stay at Joe’s house, Harry’s house, Frank’s house.
We got it all planned for him. Well, there it was. He just kept plowing ahead with the
mission at hand and was totally taken care of.
And then, of course, in the later years, when the big book started selling and AA started
becoming financially independent, then he wasn’t even concerned with money anymore.
It wasn’t part of his thing. And there was plenty of it.
And it was very comfortable, but it wasn’t an essential part of his life because he had
gone beyond that. And so Chuck is saying, it’s God’s job to take care of me and my job to
do his work. And I found that, I don’t know about you, and I said, that’s great.
Anytime you hear a lofty principle, that’s great. I really like that. But I think I’ll just keep
a couple hundred dollars in my wallet and I think I’ll have to set aside something over
here.
And I think that I won’t worry as much as I used to worry about financial security. But I’ll
and I’ll and I’ll think about that later on. I mean, it’s so hard to let go of the old way of
living.
I remember when I was I was thinking about forgiveness. You know how hard it is to
forgive. Have you ever thought about forgiveness? And you say, you know, I really ought
to forgive them.
(27:28 – 28:07)
And you go, OK. And you do. But it isn’t gone.
You know, I mean, in your mind, you go, Jane, you’re forgiven for leaving me for another
guy with all the kids. You’re totally forgiven. But down in here, it’s like you rotten son of a
gun.
I can’t believe what you did. Yeah, but she’s forgiven. It’s it’s over.
He’s forgiven. So we’ve said forgiveness, but there’s it hasn’t happened yet. And
remember the first time I read about forgiveness growing up, I was in the church I
brought up in the Catholic Church, and I’m reading about my hero at the time is Jesus.
(28:07 – 28:18)
I’m going, man, look at this. He’s walking on the water. I thought that was great.
I’m just going, look at that. Is that cool? Then he changed water into wine. I went, yes,
yes.
(28:21 – 28:47)
My kind of guy. I’m with this man. I’m going all the way.
And then people are sick and he just goes, whoo, and they’re well, and I’m just going, I’m
going to model my life after him. Then there’s all of a sudden they’re nailing him to a
cross. Well, the story has taken an unfortunate turn.
(28:51 – 30:33)
I think he I’ll sort of follow his path, but I won’t be as extreme as he was because
certainly don’t want to end up getting nailed to a cross. I mean, my God, that has to
seriously hurt. So what is he saying while this is going on? He’s saying, father, forgive
them.
They know not what they do. And I didn’t say this out loud, but you know what I’m
thinking to myself, Jesus, are you on drugs? They’re nailing your butt to a cross and
you’re saying, forgive them. I mean, hello.
I mean, what is that? So later on, they’re explaining these principles and what these
teachings were all about, and that forgiveness is how we get free of any injuries that are
done to us, because that’s the only freedom there is. So the bar was set as far as my
own education was, forgiveness extends up to and including getting nailed to a cross.
That’s how far you go with forgiveness.
Now you’re not going to, you’re not going to believe this, but all through my life, I kept
having stuff happen to me that was worse than getting nailed to a cross. And you know
why it was worse? Because it was happening to me. That’s why it was worse.
(30:37 – 33:47)
So I was, you know, I was willing to forgive up to a certain point, but you know what I
mean? So all those things. And so let me close here at the end of the time. I want to say
one last thing for those of you that are new.
You are the gift that AA gives you. That’s the gift. And your job, just like that voice came
into my ear, your job is to unwrap that gift.
See, it’s wrapped up in old ideas. It’s wrapped up in a lot of garbage. It’s wrapped up in
all kinds of erroneous information.
The truth about you is going to blow your mind. The truth about you as a human being is
so awesome. It’s going to take the rest of your life to unfold.
It’s the story of the century. Each one of us, this is the epic journey up till now. It was the
minor leagues, all that stuff, fighter pilot, ha ha ha ha joke compared to the spiritual
program, compared to challenging the battle of can I overcome my selfishness? That’s
your challenge.
And as you take these steps and you find one more thing to get rid of, as Chuck said,
uncover, discover and discard one more thing that I’m wrong about, one more thing to
throw over the side, one more thing that’s causing resistance between me and the rest
of the world. My job from now on is not to do anything except bring harmony wherever I
go. And the only way I can bring harmony wherever I go is to stay undisturbed.
Spirituality is, as the 10th step suggests in the 12 and 12, the art of achieving and
maintaining a status of undisturbedness. When we are in this state, we are wonderful to
be around. People are attracted to us when we focus on overcoming selflessness and
being undisturbed.
We bring harmony where we go. We treat the 7-Eleven clerk with respect. We treat
waiters and waitresses differently than we’re so filled with ourselves.
And as we bring this new energy out into the world about us, the world reacts to that
energy, you know, with a loving embrace. And we feel wanted where we go. We feel
harmony wherever we go.
We actually create the world that we’re living in by simply struggling against ourselves
to not give in to that selfish part. And when we do, don’t beat yourself up. Don’t beat
yourself up.
Just go. I’m human. I’m getting off the floor and I’m going to try better today.
And the journey goes on and on. And if you’re new, hold on. It is beautiful.
(33:47 – 33:50)
God loves you. We all love you. It’s been a great conference.
Thank you.
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