Sandy B – The Ego’s Biggest Worry

(0:01 – 0:24)
Come on up, and he’s our guest speaker for the evening. Hi everybody, my name is
Sandy Beach and I’m an alcoholic. How are you all doing? I really look forward to this.
(0:25 – 1:31)
There’s a lot of people here that I’ve known for many, many years, and I know there’s
lots of new people, which is the lifeblood of A.A., and I’m so glad that you all are here.
Before I get started, I do want to say that one of the reasons I come back up this time of
year is to remember my dear friend Hal Marley, who a lot of you knew and some of you
didn’t, but there were three of us got sober in 1964, and as the years went on, Ed
Chandler and myself and Hal Marley would have dinner once a month and take A.A.’s
inventory and decide what was wrong in New York and what was wrong in California and
how could we get rid of Akron, some of those type of things. And so Hal’s widow is here
tonight, Rosita, and she’s been a great friend of A.A. for over 40 years, and it’s just a
pleasure.
(1:31 – 2:05)
We had dinner with her tonight, and so it’s just a real honor to keep some of those
memories going. So, Rosita, we’re delighted you’re here, and I’m so glad to be your
friend all these years. And while I’m on that subject, my sponsor died this year, and Ed
passed away this year.
(2:07 – 2:36)
Great friend of mine, Clint Hodges, on the West Coast, who was one of the great
speakers out there. And so we see a lot of us passing away, and our normal reaction to
that is one of apprehension, and we start, that reminds me. That could possibly happen
to me someday, and I don’t like to think about that.
(2:38 – 2:54)
So I’ll tell you some thoughts on that. I do a lot of spiritual reading, and many spiritual
authors say this, that death is the ego’s biggest weapon to use against us to keep us
separate from God. I don’t want to think about that.
(2:56 – 3:11)
The only thing that dies is the ego, and that’s why it makes such a big deal out of it. Holy
cow, I won’t be here anymore. I know, but the human spirit will still be around.
(3:11 – 3:31)
I know, but the ego won’t still be around, and that’s who I am. So I got thinking about it,
and maybe you never thought of this, but do you know what the, it’s not even close,
what the leading cause of death is? Birth. There’s nothing that comes close to that.
(3:33 – 3:42)
So they must go together. You follow what I’m saying? It’s a package. It’s just like
breathing in and breathing out.
(3:43 – 4:03)
And when you get real old, 76 is the magic time, they start giving you some glimpses of,
you know. So I got some glimpses, and there is a book of life. Not much I can tell you.
(4:03 – 4:18)
I can’t share everything for everybody. It’s a leather book. It’s about three inches thick,
and I can’t tell you anything about it except the last page because the last page is the
same for everyone.
(4:18 – 5:01)
So just in case you’re curious what’s on the last page, it says, My dear friend, your visit
here is now over. Every single good and kind act that you did while you were here will
live forever in the people who are coming after you. And every rotten, despicable,
harmful thing that you did to other people and to yourself while you were here has
already been forgiven.
(5:02 – 5:11)
Book closed. So now you understand the importance of helping one another. It’s the only
thing that lasts.
(5:12 – 5:28)
It’s the only thing of you that will be around. And all of these people that we’re talking
about are still alive with us. I go around the country, I see these little attitude of
gratitude pins.
(5:28 – 5:47)
And I was telling the folks at dinner, this was Hal Marley’s little deal. He passed them out
all over the place. And so I’ll stop people, like in Wisconsin, and I’ll go, Wow, did you
know Hal Marley? And they go, Who? I said, Well, you’ve got an attitude of gratitude.
(5:47 – 6:05)
Oh, no, this came from Dr. Gratitude. They don’t even know who it came from, but they
know that gratitude is important. And so the message is never dies, which, when you
think about it, is all that AA is.
(6:06 – 6:24)
It’s one message that has been passed on for 72 years. Same message. It’s a remarkable
phenomenon to realize that in many ways, everything lasts forever.
(6:25 – 6:36)
Now, I got sober in 1964. I grew up in Connecticut in the 30s. My sister has 30 years in
AA.
(6:37 – 6:49)
She and I went to the same church, Catholic church. She thought it was the most
friendly, cute place to be on the face of the earth. The nuns were cute.
(6:49 – 6:58)
The Latin was cute. Confession was really fun. Everything they talked about, it just made
her happy, and it still makes her happy.
(6:59 – 7:08)
Now, I’m sitting next to her. I feel like I’m in Auschwitz. I am not comfortable in that
environment.
(7:08 – 7:24)
The nuns are like Nazis. They’re out to hurt me, scare me, punish me, and tell me how
bad it’s going to be forever. Going to confession, sometimes I would faint on the way in.
(7:27 – 7:31)
I couldn’t remember. I’d make up something. I robbed a bank, and I’m sorry.
(7:31 – 7:49)
So I was not comfortable there. How did I get uncomfortable? I told myself a story about
what was going on that terrified me. One day I was sitting there at age 10.
(7:49 – 8:20)
I was looking at the crucifix, staring at it, trying to understand it completely, and it finally
spoke to me, and it said, little boy, do you see this? Yes. Well, this is what God did to his
only son that he loved. Guess what he’s going to do to you? So I created a rather
horrifying church world to live in.
(8:21 – 8:26)
The church didn’t create it. I did. I made it up.
(8:26 – 8:35)
I made it up that it’s terrifying in here. I didn’t know I made it up. I thought they did it to
me, and for a long time, I blamed my alcoholism on the Pope.
(8:39 – 8:57)
He allowed this travesty to take place. All this suffering. And whether we realize it or not,
that’s what we manufacture as we’re growing up, is a story.
(8:59 – 9:09)
And that’s just like if 30 people see an accident, there’s 30 things that happened. There
is no accident. There’s 30 stories about an accident.
(9:10 – 9:16)
No, no, no. The other guy, he was the one. And then you talk to the guy next to me, and
he goes, no, no, no.
(9:16 – 9:18)
It was her fault. No, no, no. The traffic light was broken.
(9:19 – 9:37)
It just came back on. And you just hear this incredible diversity of the stories, and we
don’t realize that we think we’re dealing with facts, and that this world is this way. I
didn’t know any of this.
(9:37 – 9:42)
I’m just growing up, trying to figure out what’s going on. I’m afraid all the time. I don’t
belong anywhere.
(9:42 – 9:47)
I didn’t belong in my family. Very uncomfortable. I was smart.
(9:47 – 9:49)
I got good grades. I was a good athlete. Went to prep school.
(9:50 – 9:56)
Went right into Yale University in my hometown. I got there. Everybody there was smart,
rich, and knew what was going on.
(9:56 – 10:16)
I couldn’t figure out why I was there. I was just, what am I doing here? I thought for sure
during that freshman year, the dean was going to call the thousand guys out and go,
gentlemen, we have discovered an imposter in our midst, and there he is. I knew it was
coming.
(10:16 – 10:24)
I was just, when are they going to find out I’m here? And I wasn’t drinking. And people
said, you ought to drink. You ought to drink.
(10:25 – 10:29)
You’ll fit in. It’s fun. No, no, no, I’m going to get high grades in athletics and all that.
(10:29 – 10:46)
But there came a time when it was so, I felt so much pressure all the time, and I was at a
social event to meet people, and no one wanted to know me. I went over to all different
kinds of people, and they looked at me with their eyes and said, I don’t want to know
you. Do you get it? Yeah, I get it.
(10:46 – 10:48)
I get it. Geez. Wow.
(10:49 – 10:54)
People can really be hostile the way they look at you. You see, right in their eye. They
hate you.
(10:54 – 10:57)
They wish you weren’t even in the room. Get out of here, you. Get out of here.
(10:59 – 11:05)
And I was getting ready to leave, and I said, maybe I will have a drink. There’s a
bartender there. What the heck? They said it makes you feel better.
(11:06 – 11:14)
I mean, I’ll have a drink. So, I went up and had a drink of whiskey, and I waited, and I
didn’t feel anything. I said, well, maybe it takes two.
(11:16 – 11:28)
So, I drank a second one, and I’m waiting and waiting. It doesn’t make me feel any
better, and I started on the third one, and I said, I don’t think this does make you feel
better. And I think I was seriously thinking of leaving, and I turned around.
(11:29 – 11:36)
Damn this thing. Everybody in the room wanted to know me. I could see it in their eyes.
(11:37 – 11:47)
They were all looking at me going, I’d love to be your best friend. Don’t join that group.
Join our group.
(11:47 – 11:58)
And I was just torn as to where to go. And I finished the drink, and I started over, and as I
was walking over, I started agreeing with them. They would be lucky to know me.
(12:01 – 12:21)
I could bring them up a few notches, and I intuitively understood I probably knew
everything. It was as if all my creativity that was in there and couldn’t get out due to this
anxiety and not fitting in, boom, I was finally me. And it was great.
(12:21 – 12:26)
I loved it. Don’t pretend I’m me. Spontaneous.
(12:27 – 12:29)
And I talked and talked. Pretty soon everybody left. I’m still talking.
(12:30 – 12:50)
Hey, wait, wait, wait. And I said, boy, if three drinks did that, what would 23 drinks do?
And I sat there at the bar, and we know what that does. You go home that night, and the
room spins, and you vomit, and you dry heave, and you sleep by the toilet, and you just
experience pain that you haven’t experienced before.
(12:50 – 13:03)
And I sat on the bed the next morning, my head splitting like a hatchet was in it. My
mouth was so dry, I thought I was going to cut my tongue. And I just sat there, oh, oh,
oh, oh.
(13:04 – 13:21)
And the thought occurred to me, are you going to drink again tonight? And I went, yes.
This hatchet and possible death in the next ten minutes is a small price to pay for what I
had last night. So you can see the, I was an alcoholic.
(13:22 – 13:35)
Alcohol did something so wonderful for me that I was willing to pay any price. I didn’t
know I made that arrangement, but that’s what alcoholics do. This is worth anything.
(13:36 – 13:50)
Why was it worth anything? Because it solved every problem I had. It finally brought me
into the world that you all had been in all along. And I was so happy that I found it.
(13:50 – 13:57)
I didn’t see it as something bad. I finally said, wow, now I get to enjoy life for the rest of
my life. This is wonderful.
(13:57 – 14:06)
Just always have booze. So the grades went, the athletics went, I’m getting in fights, I’m
going to jail, I’m almost getting thrown out. Somehow graduated.
(14:06 – 14:10)
The Korean War was going on. The draft. Everybody had to join the military.
(14:10 – 14:13)
A group of guys were drinking beer. Let’s join the Marine Corps. Yeah, come on.
(14:13 – 14:21)
I’ll finish my beer. Let’s join the Marine Corps. That was a rude awakening when I got
there.
(14:22 – 14:31)
I kept saying, you guys are so intense. Relax, relax, relax. Wow, come on.
(14:32 – 14:37)
And of course, you know what they do. They just crush you. Your identity and turn you
into a Marine.
(14:39 – 14:48)
And the Marine Corps and AA are the only two organizations that I truly loved. I
eventually fell in love with it. I loved being part of something.
(14:49 – 14:57)
And I loved the camaraderie. And I also signed up for some unknown reason to be a pilot.
Never been in an airplane.
(14:59 – 15:14)
And they accepted me and I met a young lady in Brantford, Connecticut. We got married
and we went off on our honeymoon to Pensacola, Florida. Very romantic, except I got
airsick flying down there on United Airlines and was airsick a while.
(15:16 – 15:33)
And it’s too hot. But the motion sickness went away and then I became a very good pilot.
Everything we went through, I would be number two or number three as we went
through formation and gunnery and carrier and advanced training.
(15:34 – 15:55)
And then I got into jets and I got my wings and I went overseas in the top front line
fighter squadron and the war ended. So now there was, here we were just totally trained
and a bunch of hot shots and so you just flew practice missions and drank. And it was
just delightful.
(15:55 – 16:02)
It was back when they drank as a unit. The colonel ordered the drinks. My boys, give
them another round.
(16:02 – 16:09)
And people drank as fast as I did. I didn’t have to sneak drinks. Remember when you
were with a slow drinking crowd? Hey, I’ll be right back.
(16:09 – 16:14)
I gotta go to the bathroom. You got a bartender? Give me a double. Oh, another round?
Yeah, I’ll have one.
(16:15 – 16:23)
I just had a double. But I didn’t have to do that because they were drinking as fast as I
was. I was finally in my element.
(16:26 – 16:40)
And I held up pretty good for the first six or seven years of flying. But it started catching
up. I was drinking really a lot.
(16:42 – 16:53)
And I finished that tour of the forward air controller with the Marines out in Camp
Pendleton. Then I went to Pensacola. I was a flight instructor for three years.
(16:54 – 17:05)
And I flew tons of hops. Geez, you fly four flights a day some days. You got this nut in the
front seat trying to kill you and I’m back there trying to get over a hangover but it was
fun.
(17:06 – 17:26)
I’m just telling you all of it was fun. And the last flying I did was I went to photo school
and joined a photo squadron during the Cuban Missile Crisis. And we were flying the
Crusader which is the photo plane you see in the movies about Cuba.
(17:27 – 17:33)
And we had a radar plane. It’s an old F3D. It was a very easy plane to fly.
(17:33 – 17:39)
Two engines, straight wing. Had a radar guy over here. Very elite squadron.
(17:40 – 17:45)
There was only 15 pilots. There were no lieutenants. It was really an honor to be in there.
(17:46 – 17:59)
I’m in there as I am starting to experience withdrawal symptoms from alcohol in the
plane. And I’m getting frightened. I didn’t know what to do.
(18:00 – 18:03)
There was no alcohol program. There was nowhere to go. So I just kept going.
(18:04 – 18:15)
But I kept telling myself you’re going to kill yourself. What are you doing in here? And I
would, you know, my heart would start racing. I would lose my peripheral vision.
(18:16 – 18:22)
And I’d start just sweating up a storm. And I said you’re going to pass out any second.
You’re going to pass out any second.
(18:23 – 18:33)
Keep going, keep going. And then near the end it was I got to get out of here. Do you
remember the end of the drink and you’re getting a haircut and you had to leave in the
middle of it or whatever.
(18:33 – 18:43)
I got to get out of here. Where are you going to go? You know what I mean? There’s no
real good alternative. And I remember flying with one hand in the ejection seat.
(18:43 – 19:07)
Well, I’ll fly the mission with that and if I need to I’m out. People think I’m making this up
but it went on for about six months. And one day I don’t remember the details but I
remember coming back from a cross country in the flight of four of the easy plane to fly,
the F3D.
(19:08 – 19:18)
And I had to get out of that plane. I mean I just had to get this had no ejection seat. You
had to open a chute and you slid out the bottom.
(19:18 – 19:31)
And I remember looking at that chute and I said do you remember how it works? They
only show you once. I’m not sure I really know but I think and then I said well the guy
can’t fly then I’m leaving. He’s a radar guy.
(19:36 – 19:52)
And here’s this guy sitting over there and little does he know what’s going through my
mind. And I finally declared an oxygen emergency. Told the flight leader we had to land
immediately.
(19:52 – 20:02)
Something wrong with the oxygen it’s causing me to… So when that happens you do
land immediately. We went into an Air Force base nearby and then they checked the
oxygen. Of course there’s nothing wrong.
(20:03 – 20:23)
Plus the guy next to me he’s not having any problems breathing the same oxygen. And
we got real drunk that night and I came out the next morning and I said I’m not going to
get in the plane. And that was the last time I flew.
(20:24 – 20:48)
And three months later they made me an air traffic controller of all things. And that’s
what I did during the last year of my drinking. Now I’m in Oxnard, California this year in
the early part of the year.
(20:50 – 21:01)
And Clancy wanted me to talk at his group. 950 people at one AA meeting. So I went
there and then the next night was Brentwood and they wanted me to come up and they
have a very interesting format.
(21:01 – 21:20)
So I said yeah I’ll do that and then we’ll go to Oxnard. I went out early to visit some
people. I’m getting ready to start this meeting and a guy comes up and actually a lady
came up and said my friend is here to get her 30 year medallion and her husband drove
her up tonight.
(21:21 – 21:28)
He’s not an alcoholic. He goes to meetings with her but he thinks he knows you and he
wants to talk to you outside the church. I said alright.
(21:29 – 21:49)
So I went outside and this guy standing there. I’ve never seen him before. And he said in
1962 you were flying an F3D2Q in the flight of four coming back from a cross country
and you declared an oxygen emergency.
(21:54 – 22:17)
And all the planes landed and there was nothing wrong with the oxygen and you never
flew again. And I said how do you know that? He said I was in the plane with you. So now
I got the story about what was really going on because he was a pilot.
(22:18 – 22:41)
So why were there two pilots? It turns out that a hurricane was coming up near Cherry
Point. Whenever there’s a hurricane the military flies all their planes to a safe place and
then you drink and wait until the hurricane goes by and then you fly back. So it’s choice
duty so the radar guys don’t get to go and the second pilot goes.
(22:43 – 22:49)
And he flew the plane back. And I said I’ll be darned. That’s amazing.
(22:50 – 23:09)
And then we got talking. And my recollection of that event the aftermath of that event
was that I came back totally ashamed beaten. I was 14 years a pilot now I’m a has-been.
(23:10 – 23:30)
I washed up a failure a piece of crap. And I had to come to work every day in that
squadron while they all looked at me and felt sorry and wished they’d never met me and
realized I was ruining the reputation of that fine squadron. And it hurt me to go to work
every day.
(23:31 – 23:58)
I did the legal work for three months until I finally got orders and got out of there and I
said boy were they glad to get rid of me. That was my version of what happened. And
then he said to me did you know how popular you were in that squadron? Do you know
how much everybody loved you? It broke their hearts to see they did everything they
could to get you flying.
(23:59 – 24:23)
The colonel especially went up to the commandant and tried to get something changed.
And I went wow my story isn’t the truth. So I went back to my story and I went erase
erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase and put in the story.
(24:24 – 24:34)
The story. And I’ve done that with a lot of my life. As a matter of fact our program says
old ideas availed us nothing.
(24:36 – 24:43)
All we do in spirituality is get rid of things. We don’t get anything. We don’t learn
anything.
(24:44 – 25:07)
We unlearn until there’s nothing left but the truth. So our story is what gets shattered.
And I tell people if you were to listen to talks I gave when I had ten years sobriety and
compare them to today today I had a much better childhood than I used to have.
(25:08 – 25:30)
Now how could you have a better childhood than you used to have? By looking at it
through spiritual eyes. By looking at it as a result of the transformation that takes place
in AA. And that’s why the world becomes a better place.
(25:30 – 25:39)
That’s why your family suddenly straightens out. You follow what I’m saying? I don’t
know my family’s a lot better than they used to be. No they’re not.
(25:39 – 26:01)
You’re seeing them through spiritual lenses. They were pretty nice all along. You made
up a story about how horrible they were and you told yourself that story and that story
and many others like it kept you separate from God for all these years.
(26:02 – 26:30)
Because when we create a story like that it’s a yarn and it’s composed of millions of
individual thoughts and assessments that we make. And it becomes once it gets strong
enough the entire world that we live in. This is the entire package.
(26:30 – 26:41)
It started out like a spider with a web just one strand across. But then this one, this one,
this one, this one, this one, this one. Then I got sick and I had polio.
(26:41 – 26:50)
Oh there’s a whole bunch more. And then I had this and then I had that and that, that,
that. And pretty soon a bug coming along Boom! Flies right into it because it’s solid.
(26:52 – 27:10)
And I picture that we actually create an egg that we’re inside of. You know what I mean?
Like a bird is inside of an eggshell. And you know who’s in there? You! Nobody else.
(27:11 – 27:28)
And one of the things that human beings complain about the most throughout history is
this cosmic sense of loneliness. It’s just me and the universe. And that sense of being
alone and alone.
(27:29 – 27:43)
Of course we’re alone. We made up a place we’re the only ones in it. When we say we’re
the center of our world remember that expression? Well she lives in her own little world.
(27:44 – 27:59)
Well I wouldn’t know because I’m in my own little world. And I don’t like her. You follow
what I’m saying? Only we don’t know that we think here it is.
(28:00 – 28:25)
And we come in here and we start to dismantle it. I honestly think I like stories so I make
them up and they’re what the hell? You don’t believe the last page in the book of life?
Wait and see. So I picture that we come into AEA in the egg that we made complaining
like hell.
(28:26 – 28:33)
We’re the author of this entire thing and we can’t stand it. I can’t stand the world. Well
you made it.
(28:35 – 28:47)
And we start working the steps. And then we start seeing things differently. Remember
when we did the fourth step? We took the inventory we took it over to our sponsor to run
it by him or her.
(28:48 – 29:05)
And everything looked different. I remember going to my sponsor well I have to and he
said yeah but and I said well if you look at it that way okay yeah if you look at it that way
it isn’t so bad. So what’s happened they’re just this boom boom.
(29:06 – 29:33)
They’re slowly punching chipping away at this material that we made. Until one day we
get a hole through there and some light starts coming in and we call it a spiritual
awakening. We get a glimpse of something other than this little world that we created.
(29:34 – 30:03)
What the hell is that? Oh that’s just the universe of which you are a small part. Really?
Well now comes the dismantling of this entire universe that we built for ourselves. And
just to continue the analogy this is the problem this is where we run into spirituality
becomes tough.
(30:09 – 30:17)
We’re delighted to get a glimpse. Everybody’s delighted to get a glimpse. Wow! That’s
amazing.
(30:18 – 30:40)
Yeah and that’s what you got by giving up drinking and a couple other life threatening
activities which are the easier ones to give up because the ego knows that it’ll die if we
don’t get rid of those. So it cooperates a little bit. So now we’re sort of maybe we got our
whole head out of the shell.
(30:41 – 31:00)
And we’re looking around and we got yeah I’m still in my world but I like to look out here.
Well wouldn’t you like to be all the way out? Yeah I think I would. What would I be in
charge of out there? Nothing.
(31:01 – 31:10)
Nothing. Wow. Well who exactly would I be out there? No one.
(31:13 – 31:21)
We could get you up as high as servant. That’s about it. That’s the top rank that we have
available.
(31:22 – 31:44)
Could I be in charge of something? Yeah, coffee. I’m used to managing a little more than
that for coffee. Maybe I could live happily partially in the world of light and run the rest of
this myself.
(31:45 – 32:04)
And that is described beautifully in the twelve and twelve and step six. If you go back
and re-read six with the analogy of coming halfway out of the egg I think you’ll
understand. We only want to settle for as much perfection as will get us by.
(32:04 – 32:21)
Remember that line in the twelve and twelve? We want to settle for as much perfection
as will get us by. See something happened in the twelve and twelve. In the big book it’s
progress not perfection.
(32:21 – 32:52)
And we mastered that. How come you haven’t moved any further? Hey! Hey! It’s
progress not perfection. I’ve been doing a lot of studying of history so I’m going to tell
you if you go to Cleveland and Akron that’s how it’s T’s in Akron they still publish the
inner group publishes the four absolutes.
(32:54 – 33:17)
And there’s a big pamphlet I got a bunch of them back I was in Cleveland not too long
ago. And when old timers get up I’ve got 45 years of sobriety I owe it all to Alcoholics
Anonymous the Twelve Step my higher power and the four absolutes. Now the the
Oxford group in Cleveland wanted to include the absolutes in AA.
(33:18 – 33:29)
But the New York crowd was an entirely different crowd than the Akron crowd. The New
York crowd was more of an intellectual psychological crowd. And they’d prefer if we
didn’t mention God until somebody had about three years.
(33:31 – 34:11)
And in Akron on your first night they said go on upstairs with these two guys and you go
up there and they go get on your knees do you believe in God? I don’t know do you
believe in God? I don’t know I don’t know well we’re staying here until you do alright I
believe in God alright alright and he came down and he states over. So it was very
important to go boom! And the absolutes absolutes you can see so the big book was a
compromise on those things. The steps were suggested.
(34:12 – 34:19)
It was God as you understand him. In Akron it was Jesus. In New York it was philosophy.
(34:20 – 34:41)
If you find a God that’s great but don’t worry about it. The two extremes and we ended
up with a compromise which is what you and I are familiar with right here. But there are
places I’ll tell you today I’ve been in them within the last month where I mentioned the
twelve and twelve and the crowd booed.
(34:43 – 34:51)
See that came on after the big book. The big book. I’m just giving you a little history
now.
(34:51 – 35:20)
Bill he ran across somebody when he was still alive that said that they had studied self-
help spiritual help movements that were started just by regular people kind of like AA.
And as it succeeded they said oh my God it’s working. Let’s write down what we’re doing
because there’s more other people might want to use it.
(35:21 – 35:27)
So then they go what do you think you were doing? Remember the fight over the big
book? No, no, no. Stand them up. We don’t want to pray on their knees.
(35:27 – 35:44)
Okay, we don’t want this and that. And out of the big hassle came the big book which
was a collection of ideas from all kinds of different people different approaches a very
wonderful author for most of it. Bill was very talented in that area.
(35:46 – 36:13)
And what the author of this book that studied said as time goes on those ideas that were
just thrown together become biblical. They take on the oh and one of the reasons Bill
wrote the 12 in 12 was to make sure the big book did not biblify and become that. Now
let me give you some examples and we all do it.
(36:14 – 36:45)
We take a word and just go see that? See that word? I was on a panel with a bunch of old
a lot of older timers than me. And I asked them I said when’s the first time you ever
heard anyone say the promises? And they thought and thought and they came up with
about 30 years ago. So 30 years ago the promises arrived.
(36:46 – 37:09)
Do you understand what I’m saying? They weren’t here when I got sober. If you would
ask anyone in A.A. right in this room how about the promises? They go what’s that? So
they have appeared you follow what I’m saying? And now we’re finding them
everywhere. I’m going to read the promises out of here and I start teasing people well
I’m going to read the ones out of the doctor’s opinion.
(37:11 – 37:36)
Or the final promise you will surely meet some of us that has to be the final promise
because it’s the last line in the big book. Just teasing the third and seventh step prayer.
Have those become wow Bill made them up.
(37:38 – 37:45)
You get it? He made them up. We got them on plastic now. I got this.
(37:45 – 37:50)
It’s part of my life. I just love this prayer. We’ll go back and look what it says.
(37:50 – 38:00)
What does it say? It says we might say something like this. Or if you don’t like you can
use your own words. I’m quoting what it says in the book.
(38:00 – 38:14)
You can use your own words. We go yeah yeah yeah yeah but this this this this I do it.
I’m just I’ve got oh my favorite sentence that sentence wasn’t in the big book.
(38:14 – 38:26)
I’d be drunk right now. So I’m making fun of all of us. So to get back to the point I was
making.
(38:26 – 39:12)
I have no idea where this is going. The point I was making was about perfection and the
absolutes. When Kurtz wrote some great history books Ernest Kurtz anybody read that
Not God and the AA Way or whatever that new one is in there Bill is talking in a letter
says to someone I snuck the absolutes in in the 12 and 12 in the sixth step and suddenly
perfection appears not progress not perfection progress towards perfection.
(39:12 – 39:24)
You notice it’s in the sixth step we have to raise our eyes towards perfection. What does
the step say? We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects. What would
that be? Perfect.
(39:25 – 39:32)
Can I become perfect? No. No one in this room can become perfect. Could we receive
perfect health and get there? Yes.
(39:33 – 39:42)
Yes. Our creator could easily make us perfect but there’s a big blockage. We have to let
them.
(39:44 – 40:07)
Oh. Well I thought you know where it says in the prayer remove the defects that are
standing in the way of me being useful. I just assumed that since most of them are still
here God thinks I’m being useful enough and he wants these defects to stay here.
(40:11 – 40:20)
And when he wants them gone they’ll be gone. So I’ve abdicated all responsibility for
remaining an asshole. It’s not my fault.
(40:25 – 40:38)
We are funny aren’t we? So now we’re over there by the full implication of that is
perfection. He’s going to remove them all. I’m going to be perfect.
(40:40 – 40:57)
Wouldn’t that be nice? You know how nice that would be? We’d just be walking hand in
hand with God happy all the time. Wouldn’t it be just great? Why don’t we do it? Bill calls
that the riddle of our existence. That’s a line out of the sixth step.
(40:58 – 41:10)
This is the riddle. Why? Why? Well it turns out some of us like our character defects. I
mean they make us feel superior.
(41:13 – 41:20)
Let’s get rid of lust. Let’s use that one tonight. Everybody would like to get rid of 100% of
lust.
(41:20 – 41:31)
Raise your hand. No hands up. What? Why don’t you want to get rid of 100% of lust? Lust
really distracts us.
(41:31 – 41:35)
It keeps us we’ve got a lot of trouble with the lust. Let’s all volunteer. Go.
(41:36 – 41:41)
No hands. No hands. What’s going on in our minds? Well I could get rid of most of the
lust.
(41:41 – 41:48)
I certainly would. I think that you can carry it to an extreme. What would that be? No
lust.
(41:48 – 41:51)
Zero lust. Let me think about that. What is that? Dead? Dead.
(41:51 – 41:53)
I guess that’s dead. You’re dead. You have no lust.
(41:57 – 42:02)
Put me down for 55%. 55% on lust. That’ll be good for me.
(42:03 – 42:09)
We tend to settle for as much perfection as will get us by. It’s getting me by. They go,
you know he used to be real lustful.
(42:09 – 42:14)
Now he’s kind of average. I’m getting by. I’m getting by.
(42:14 – 42:17)
My sponsor said, hey you’re doing better. That’s all I want. Better.
(42:17 – 42:29)
I don’t want best. Bill wrote, good is the biggest enemy of the best that there is. So, if
you’re doing good, that’s dangerous in the spiritual sense.
(42:30 – 42:38)
Because we’re going to stay there. And this happens after, what, 15 so years of sobriety.
You suddenly have arrived and you’re at a spot.
(42:39 – 42:43)
And we ain’t going any further. I’m here. It’s comfortable.
(42:44 – 43:00)
I like it. When are we going to try and go kick it up a few notches? And that’s the riddle
of our existence. That is what each individual has to do something about.
(43:00 – 43:07)
Because now we’re really at the 11 step type of activity. Prayer and meditation. Reading
other books.
(43:08 – 43:16)
Asking for advice from other spiritual teachers. It’s an individual adventure. But he
certainly lays the groundwork right there.
(43:17 – 43:24)
I had some funny thoughts on various things. I’m going to share them with you because
I’m working up a little lecture. This will be my practice.
(43:26 – 43:35)
One of them had to do with acceptance. I never thought about it this way. Dr. Paul said
that acceptance is the key to everything.
(43:37 – 43:45)
Which in a way is contrary to serenity prayer. Acceptance is the key to things that you
ought to accept. But then there’s the things you ought to change.
(43:45 – 43:55)
So they’re in another category and you just need the wisdom to know the difference
between the two. So acceptance couldn’t be the answer to everything. So Dr. Paul is
wrong or the serenity prayer is wrong.
(43:55 – 44:02)
And he used to get a lot of flack. He’s passed away now. But he used to get a lot of crap
for putting that in his story.
(44:02 – 44:11)
He said, I wish they had written the story after I died. I didn’t mean to start any trouble.
But people love to quote that.
(44:11 – 44:18)
And now it’s not on page 449. I don’t know where it is now. Where is it? 417.
(44:18 – 44:23)
Yeah. So anyway. And I always sided with Dr. Paul.
(44:23 – 44:46)
But then I got thinking about acceptance. In terms of turning our will and lives over to
God. I honestly believe that incorporated in to the word acceptance is an underlying
assumption that something’s going on that I don’t like.
(44:48 – 44:56)
You follow what I’m saying? I don’t have to accept when the Redskins win. You know, I
don’t have to. Have you accepted that they won? No, man.
(44:56 – 45:14)
I love it. I don’t have to accept it. Do you see what I’m thriving at? If I hadn’t made a
judgment that something shouldn’t be the way it is, I wouldn’t have to accept it.
(45:16 – 45:36)
I don’t know if that’s making any sense at all, but what I’m getting at is if I were able to
turn everything over there would never be anything that was unacceptable. Because I
wouldn’t have judged anything. And acceptance would become moot.
(45:36 – 45:59)
It would be a non, a word that isn’t even being used. It helped me take my inventory
when I was, well, have you accepted it yet? Oh, I’m saying, you know, and I’m going,
well, why is this a problem? Because I’m forcing something down that I don’t want it to
be this way. And I’m adjusting myself to the situation that shouldn’t have been that way
in the first place.
(46:00 – 46:16)
But I’m working on my spiritual progress in order to be comfortable with it. And then I
finally allow it to be as it is. Which is a rather lengthy process that started because I
judged something to be wrong.
(46:17 – 46:29)
And I don’t like it that way. But I’m going to accept it. It’s just a product of a very weird
mind that drives himself crazy thinking about things like this.
(46:30 – 46:56)
Let me get back to the basics because I’ve got a few minutes left for those of you that
are new. If we had to look at the program and you asked me what is the point of AA? I
would direct you to the 12th step which is the end. Sometimes I like to read the end of a
book before the beginning to see if I want to read it.
(46:56 – 47:08)
I don’t know if other people do that or not. But if you jumped ahead in AA when you got
here and said, well how does this thing end? You would find out that it ended with a
spiritual awakening. That’s the end.
(47:09 – 47:17)
That’s what you get. That’s the point of the whole book. Having had a spiritual
awakening as the one result of these steps we tried to carry the message.
(47:17 – 47:21)
What message? How to have a spiritual awakening. That’s what I’m saying. Spiritual
awakening is it.
(47:22 – 47:39)
Do you want to read the book? Are you interested? I don’t think so. Stop a guy on the
street. Hey, want to have a spiritual awakening? But that’s that’s 12.
(47:39 – 47:49)
That’s it. That’s what we’re trying to get everybody to do. How do you get them to do
that? In other words, that’s one bookend in AA.
(47:51 – 48:10)
The reason people are willing to do that is because of the other bookend. The first step
which says unless you have a spiritual awakening you’re going to god damn die. What?
Yeah, and damn soon.
(48:10 – 48:20)
Really? Huh. What’s the huh? Check out spiritual awakening. I don’t know.
(48:21 – 48:35)
In other words, we’ve got to understand the dynamics that make this thing work. I came
up with an analogy of the Tony Soprano spiritual program. It would be simpler than AA.
(48:35 – 48:39)
It would be a piece of cake. I could get this thing started. I could cover the whole world
and nothing flat.
(48:41 – 48:46)
Three big guys show up at your door. Hi, are you Ralph? Yeah. They break your arm in
three places.
(48:47 – 48:59)
Tony said unless you get a spiritual awakening within a year we break every bone in
your body. Bye. I wonder if that guy’s going to go to the library and look up spiritual
awakening.
(49:01 – 49:20)
I think he is. I think he’s going to try real hard. And that’s what we are so lucky to have
that first bookend that took the reality of our life and helped us see it in its totality.
(49:21 – 49:27)
When Bill first was trying to sober drunk stuff he told them about this hot flash that he
had. I saw the mountain. I saw the white light.
(49:28 – 49:34)
It’s wonderful. But the desire to drink left me and I’ve run around and I saw God. It’s
absolutely wonderful.
(49:34 – 49:37)
Follow me. Follow me. Nobody followed him.
(49:38 – 49:48)
They told him that they had that when they drank rum. I’m not interested. And Dr.
Silkworth said, Bill, you’ve got the cart before the horse.
(49:48 – 50:22)
You’ve got to tell them about the hopeless nature of alcoholism. And that’s why step one
is… What have we got? Fifty pages before we get to step two? I guess step one must be
pretty damn important. And the essential ingredient is the understanding of the
hopelessness of your situation and that nothing can prevent this disease from crushing
you in the most horrible way except a spiritual awakening.
(50:23 – 50:33)
Chapter of the Agnostic. We have a disease that only a spiritual experience can conquer.
Once that kicks in, we’ve got the package.
(50:34 – 50:53)
We’ve got the necessity for a spiritual awakening and the means to get it. And this is
what makes A.A. so wonderful. Because it forces us to have a life-transforming
experience that we never would have gone after voluntarily.
(50:54 – 51:19)
We were forced into heaven and out of hell. Forced! You know what I’m saying? Do you
know how lucky that is? In order for any human being to get beyond themselves, they
have to go against their own ego. They have to suddenly raise up a flag and go, Why
doesn’t somebody else make all the decisions for me? That’s a hard thing to give up.
(51:20 – 51:28)
The final say on your own life. That does not come up easily. But that’s what total
surrender is.
(51:30 – 51:38)
And in the beginning, we just give it over to the sponsor. Okay, what do I do now? What
do I do now? What do I do now? And then it works. And we feel better.
(51:39 – 51:49)
And we feel better. And we’re more grateful for the sponsor pushing us to this new level.
The problem is, at this new level, things look different.
(51:50 – 51:56)
And the ego steps in. And I’ll close with this. It’s a prayer from an ego.
(51:57 – 52:02)
A lot of people don’t know that egos pray. Dude, you’ve never heard an ego prayer.
That’s not in the big book.
(52:03 – 52:29)
What does an ego prayer look like? This is what it looks like. I’m on my knees and I say,
God, I’m here tonight to thank you for what you’ve done in my life. You’ve taken a
hopeless person, restored him to a place in society, restored him to his family, restored
his dignity, his self-respect, his health, excitement in his life.
(52:30 – 52:57)
You and you alone have placed me in a position where I no longer need your sorry ass.
But I am grateful. I’m making fun of the struggle that you and I have with ourselves,
which is why we need each other.
(52:58 – 53:09)
We need each other to go, I’m sorry, but you are fooling yourself. And that’s why we
make it, because we do it together. And let’s never forget it.
(53:10 – 53:24)
It only works because we do it as a group. And I know we’ve got a great group here
tonight, and everybody that’s part of it will automatically have this life-transforming
experience. I want to thank everybody for your attention.
(53:24 – 53:34)
It’s been an honor to be part of your anniversary. And I’ve been asked to just wrap it up
with the Lord’s Prayer for anybody who would care to join in. Thank you all very much.
(53:34 – 53:35)
Thank you.