Stephen L. from Brentwood, TN at Northern Spring 2004

(0:10 – 0:26)
Well, thank you and good evening everyone. I’m Steve Lee. I’m an alcoholic.
I am absolutely thrilled to be here. John says he doesn’t know why anybody would take a
weekend out and come just to talk. I come because they won’t let me talk at home
anymore.
(0:28 – 0:50)
I was told at dinner I’ve got to travel further and further away just to say a few things.
And, you know, I do need to say this just about every time that I talk because it’s true
and I want to remind myself. Juanita spoke to it earlier that it’s what she is getting here
this weekend that will be important to her and that’s the case for me.
(0:50 – 1:01)
And I don’t suffer from the delusion that you need to hear what I have to say. But I have
an overwhelming need to say it. Alcoholics Anonymous means so much to me.
(1:02 – 1:19)
My recovery, my sobriety and you people mean so much to me that if I don’t get a
chance to talk about it every once in a while, I will just burst. So thank you for giving me
the opportunity. Those of you who stood up, particularly those of you with less than a
year, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous.
(1:20 – 1:41)
I hope that you will stay around. I hope that if any of you are still feeling, as I did for a
while, that maybe I need to stop drinking, maybe I need to make some changes, but this
Alcoholics Anonymous thing is going to be all about what I can’t do, where I can’t go,
who I can’t hang out with. And it’s going to be a life of sacrifice and the fun is over.
(1:42 – 1:53)
I will tell you that that has not been the case for me. And it hasn’t been the case for the
people that I spend my time with in Alcoholics Anonymous. So strap in and go along with
us for the ride.
(1:54 – 2:05)
We’re glad to have you. And the last person that stood up is just as important and
valuable a member of Alcoholics Anonymous as the first person who stood up. We need
everyone that’s here.
(2:07 – 2:38)
You know, I am really sorry for a couple of reasons that this is the last Northern Springs
Roundup. I’m sorry for you folks because I know that many of you have probably enjoyed
it for years and it’s been a valuable part of your recovery and of the recovery community
here in Grand Forks. The other reason I’m really sorry this is the last one is because I will
forever have the distinction of being the guy who closed the Northern Springs Roundup.
(2:39 – 2:59)
And, you know, I’ve got enough baggage in my life already without carrying that around.
My sobriety date is June 30, 1989, and my home group is the backroom group that
meets in Nashville, Tennessee every Saturday and Sunday morning. I’ve got to tell you, I
love my home group.
(3:00 – 3:13)
You know, I’m going to have to stop here and tell this quick story because it looks like
that I’m going to have an emotional evening. Now, that could change. When I showed up
at Alcoholics Anonymous, that wasn’t the case.
(3:14 – 3:35)
I tried very hard not to let my emotions show. And if I did, it was perhaps I laughed, and I
laughed as more of a mask and as more of a protective device than anything else. There
was a friend of mine that some folks here know, Scott L., who’s there from Nashville.
(3:35 – 3:41)
And I would sit. I had gotten sober in Nashville in 1989. I moved to Richmond, Virginia at
a year sober.
(3:41 – 3:50)
And seven years later, I moved back to Nashville. I started going to the backroom group.
And I’d already known Scott casually, but he would sit in that meeting.
(3:50 – 4:09)
And I’ve got to tell you, this guy would bawl like a baby. I mean, I think that at
toothpaste commercials for that group that got 50 or 49 percent more cavities or
whatever, he cried for them. You know what I mean? And I would sit in my chair, and I
will be honest with you that I was cynical about that.
(4:09 – 4:18)
And I was uncomfortable. I was really uncomfortable that he was doing that. And so I sat
there, and I didn’t talk to you about that.
(4:19 – 4:23)
I didn’t gossip about that. It’s just something. It’s a judgment that I held to myself, but I
felt it.
(4:24 – 4:45)
And over a period of time, I had a revelation that he was freer than I was, that he didn’t
care what I thought about it, and he was free to feel what he felt. And today, I’m grateful
to say that I’m free to feel what I feel. And instead of trying to stifle that today, I
welcome it when it shows up.
(4:46 – 5:00)
So if it happens tonight, forgive me. I told you that my sobriety date is June 30, 1989. I’m
going to go ahead and get on the table the most embarrassing thing that I will share with
you tonight.
(5:01 – 5:11)
It is my personal cross to bear. It is about June 29 of 1989, and it’s my last drink so far.
And I’ve looked around.
(5:11 – 5:18)
You know, I’ve been here a couple of days. I’ve looked around this room. I have watched
you guys milling around during the breaks, and I’ve noticed something.
(5:18 – 5:28)
There’s some real bad alcoholics in this crowd. You know, this is a hardcore bunch. And
my last drink was an Amaretto on the rocks.
(5:29 – 5:40)
Oh, I’m appropriately embarrassed by that. You know, even Juanita cringed at that, and
she’s the ally on it. I’m listening to her up here.
(5:40 – 5:50)
I think maybe she drank harder than I did. That’s just oh, I’m embarrassed by that. But
what you now know is that I didn’t know that was going to be my last drink when I took
it.
(5:51 – 6:07)
Because I just wouldn’t have gone down that way, you know. I’d have been sucking off
the neck of a vodka bottle. But I was prepared and scheduled to go into a treatment
facility on July the 1st of 1989.
(6:08 – 6:31)
And that was as a result of my sixth DUI conviction almost a year prior in 1988. And as a
result of that conviction, I’d been given some jail time. And I had been given the
opportunity to go to treatment to knock off some of that jail time and chose to do so.
(6:31 – 6:54)
And I had a year of probation in which to complete both the weekends in jail that I would
be doing and the treatment. So I spent on the 13th month of 12 months of probation, I
finally went into treatment. But I had spent a lot of time scouting out these treatment
facilities to find a place appropriate to a man of my caliber.
(6:55 – 7:04)
I collected a lot of brochures and information. And ultimately I went to a place very close
to my home. It was called the Harbors of Brentwood.
(7:05 – 7:21)
And a friend of mine, so I’d gone out on June the 29th with my wife and three other
couples. And we had the last hurrah before I headed off. And I went out to dinner.
(7:21 – 7:45)
And, you know, it was really one of my other buddies that got embarrassingly drunk that
evening and thought maybe that they had captured the wrong guy in my mind. But had
an amaretto on the rocks and smoked a joint and went up and went to bed. And I spent
June the 30th, my first day sober, with my wife and my daughter, Abby, who was then
five.
(7:46 – 7:58)
I was going to spend the day with her before Daddy went away on a 28-day business
trip. And we went to Chuck E. Cheese for the afternoon. And I just have to stop here.
(7:58 – 8:16)
If there’s anybody here who hasn’t stopped drinking yet, do not spend your first day
sober at Chuck E. Cheese. It is loud in there. And the kids are just flying around and here
and there.
(8:16 – 8:22)
And the machines are clanging. And that is just a tough place to spend your first day
sober. But that’s what we did.
(8:23 – 8:38)
The same buddy of mine, the one that had been embarrassingly drunk on the 29th,
came by to pick me up and drive me to treatment that morning of July the 1st. It was a
Saturday, as I recall. And we’re driving over there.
(8:39 – 8:48)
And I didn’t have a clue. I didn’t know anything about alcoholism other than what I
thought I knew. And I didn’t know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous.
(8:48 – 9:07)
And I didn’t know anything about what was called drug and alcohol rehabilitation, other
than that sounded painful and difficult to me. And he is driving me over there. And he
said, Steve, what do you think this deal is going to be like? And I got to tell you, I said, I
don’t have a clue.
(9:07 – 9:10)
And I didn’t. I said, I don’t know. But I was sure of one thing.
(9:11 – 9:18)
And I told him, I said, I’ll tell you this. I will not be sitting around in some little circle
going, I’m Steve. I’m an alcoholic.
(9:19 – 9:30)
And telling everybody the most intimate details of my life. And about two weeks later, I
was just telling people more than they wanted to know about me. You know? I was
flagging folks down.
(9:30 – 9:59)
I was, you know, making stuff up after a couple of weeks. Because when that happened,
when somewhere in that couple of weeks when, and I don’t confuse it with recovery, but
this cathartic experience, this release of these pent-up emotions, and finally talking to
some people about me. And I got to tell you that treatment was, the safety for me of
being in there and not knowing anyone was a real plus.
(9:59 – 10:09)
And they said I can’t call out for seven days and no one could call in for seven days. And
I was thrilled to hear that, to tell you the truth. To have that, while I tried to figure out
what’s going on.
(10:09 – 10:31)
Now, believe me, I still had no intention of stopping drinking. But I did know that some
things had gone horribly wrong, you know, and that I might ought to look at some things.
And while I was very afraid and anxious and uncomfortable about going and then about
being there, there was a part of me that thought maybe something is going to happen
here.
(10:31 – 10:51)
Maybe something different is going to happen. I didn’t know what it was. But that was
just a small piece of the rest of me that was screaming, what the heck are you doing
here and how quickly can you get out of here and what’s this all about? But I wandered
in there on that July the 1st.
(10:52 – 11:10)
Now, I think that Juanita also spoke about this when she and Tom were going in that day.
That was the assessment that they were giving me, the questionnaire that I filled out.
And most of the staff was gone for the weekend, but it was a nurse on staff that was
walking me through this process.
(11:11 – 11:24)
And the questionnaire, and you guys have seen some version of this. We have in AA, we
have our own pamphlet that has questions. All of these questions, it was an incredibly
difficult test.
(11:26 – 11:40)
All of these questions started with, have you ever. And she explained to me, yeah, you’re
ahead of me. She explained to me that have you ever means even once, even with a
really good reason.
(11:42 – 12:20)
And have you ever drank alone? Have you ever had a blackout? Have you ever had a
DUI? Have you ever drank in the morning? Have you ever had a problem at home
because of drinking? Have you ever had a problem at work because of drinking? On and
on and on, there were 30 of these questions. And there was just a little box to check yes
or check no to what are obviously essay questions. Because the answer is yes, but let
me explain.
(12:20 – 12:43)
You know, over the last couple of years I’ve stumbled across something I’m sure quite
biased and in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it was in the personal story,
Freedom from Bondage. As I read through there, I think, and she may be quoting
someone else, but she talks about the fact and describes rationalization.
(12:44 – 13:06)
It says that rationalization is giving a socially acceptable explanation for socially
unacceptable behavior. And as I look back at that test today, I realize that’s what I was
trying to do and how I’d spent a great deal of my life trying to find a socially acceptable
explanation. There’s a reason why these things keep happening.
(13:08 – 13:17)
I could not be accountable. I could not take personal responsibility and accountability.
There’s a good reason these things are happening to me.
(13:18 – 13:40)
And that’s the way I felt that day taking that test. It said if you check, I believe that if you
check yes to two or three of these, that you’re a problem drinker, and four, you’re
alcoholic, and five, you’re, you know, chronic alcoholic, which sounded like a promotion
from regular alcoholic. But I found this.
(13:41 – 13:50)
I’ve got my file from my treatment experience. I got it when I was getting some,
gathering some information for insurance purposes. So I got the whole file.
(13:50 – 14:12)
And when I was moving almost seven years ago from Richmond, Virginia, back to
Nashville, I found that file and I was taking a look at it. I saw the test again. I took a look
again, and I realized something, that I had answered yes to ten of the questions, that I
had lied on ten others, and that I had been confused on nine others.
(14:15 – 14:37)
And the only one that I know that I answered honestly was that I never drank while
pregnant. Not even once, and not even with a really good reason. And so that’s where I
found myself on July the 1st of 1989.
(14:38 – 14:49)
I’ll back up a little bit and tell you a little bit about my first drink. I’ll really start where, as
John said, I’m from Smyrna, Tennessee. It’s where I was born and raised.
(14:49 – 14:58)
That’s about 30 miles out of Nashville. And it was brought up in a middle class family.
You know, Mom and Daddy were together.
(14:58 – 15:07)
Nobody was hitting anybody. There weren’t any problems. It was just a nice little
neighborhood, at least as far as I could tell.
(15:07 – 15:18)
There were no circumstantial reasons for my alcoholism. And, you know what, I was a
pretty good kid. I mean, I really was.
(15:18 – 15:28)
I did, I usually did what people asked me to do. And I usually did what was expected of
me. And I usually did what I said I would do.
(15:28 – 15:42)
If I said I’ll be home at 10, I typically was. If I said I’ll be home at midnight, I typically
was. Now, when I was in that treatment facility, one of the counselors told me, he said,
Steve, you’re passive aggressive.
(15:43 – 15:50)
Now, I didn’t know what that meant. You know, I was willing to be, I just didn’t know what
it meant. And I said, tell me a little bit about that.
(15:50 – 16:06)
What is that? And so, pardon my language here, but I want to quote him accurately. And
he said, well, Steve, it just means that you don’t like the way things are most of the time,
but you’re too big a chicken shit to do anything about it. And I thought, that’s right.
(16:06 – 16:18)
That’s how I’ve lived. A little disappointed in an awful lot of things and an awful lot of
people inside, but not willing to allow you to know that. That was my little deal.
(16:18 – 16:36)
Not quite. I’m the actor. I’m the guy that the big book talks about when it says that more
than most, the alcoholic wears two faces, and that he’s an actor and that it’s his stage
character that he wants his fellows to see, and that he wants to be a man of certain
reputation, but in his heart he knows he doesn’t deserve it.
(16:36 – 16:45)
That’s the way I lived my life before I started drinking and after I started drinking, that it
was important to me. I wanted your approval. I needed your approval.
(16:45 – 17:07)
But even when getting it, it didn’t mean anything to me because you were responding to
the act. I knew I was a fraud. I didn’t take my first drink until I was 18 years old and a
freshman in college at Middle Tennessee State University in Murfreesboro, Tennessee,
again, just about 20 miles from my hometown of Smyrna.
(17:08 – 17:22)
And, you know, the book talks about the fact that if a mere code of morals or philosophy
of living were sufficient, many of us would have recovered long ago. So that doesn’t tell
me that those are bad things to have. It just tells me they’re not sufficient in and of
themselves for the alcoholic.
(17:23 – 17:42)
However, I did have a code of morals and I did have a philosophy of living, and they were
sufficient right up until the moment that they weren’t sufficient anymore. And so it
wasn’t hard for me to be a pretty good guy. It wasn’t hard for me to stay within the
boundaries that I set for myself, whether they’re the ones you would have set for me or
not.
(17:43 – 17:53)
So I didn’t drink. I wasn’t a drinker in high school. And a lot of my friends did, and
certainly that was 1969, 70, 71.
(17:53 – 18:02)
Drugs were rampant and I wasn’t doing any drugs. But I was around a lot of people that
were. And I wasn’t somebody, you know, I wasn’t even an unpopular guy.
(18:02 – 18:11)
I wasn’t that outsider. I was right in the middle of things afraid that you were going to
discover I didn’t belong there. That I was that fraud.
(18:12 – 18:30)
But that wasn’t difficult until one night a couple of guys came over and picked me up and
we were going to go back to my high school to a basketball game. And I climb in the
back of this Volkswagen. I had probably had a sip of daddy’s beer and something here
and there.
(18:30 – 18:43)
I really don’t recall. But that evening they handed back a bottle of Boone’s Farm
Strawberry Hill wine. Many people of my age group got started with the Boone’s Farm.
(18:43 – 19:04)
And I’ve got to tell you that I know that now you’re just about equally embarrassed for
me that my first drink and last drink were so similar. But, you know, I had stuff on my
pancakes today that weren’t that sweet. But they handed back that bottle of Boone’s
Farm wine.
(19:04 – 19:30)
And I took my pull off of it and it went around again and I got another one and we’re
headed to that basketball game. And I had an experience that’s personal to me, but I’ve
heard a lot of other people describe it for themselves and in their own way. My personal
experience was that all of a sudden I could not wait to get where we were going because
I thought they could not wait to see me when we got there.
(19:32 – 19:48)
I couldn’t wait to come out of the backseat of that Volkswagen and spring myself on an
unsuspecting world. I was confident and comfortable and at ease. And I was no longer a
fraud.
(19:49 – 20:09)
I felt really good. And I realize looking back now, and just about anything I know about
my alcoholism comes from the perspective of looking back at it, not when I was going
through it. When I look back today, I realize that I spent a lot of my life looking good and
feeling bad.
(20:10 – 20:28)
Then I started drinking and I spent a lot of my life looking bad and feeling good. There
were consequences of my drinking right away, but they were well worth the benefits I
was getting from alcohol. They were well worth it early in the game.
(20:33 – 20:44)
I don’t know if I was an alcoholic before I took that drink. I don’t know if I was an
alcoholic right after I took that drink. I don’t know at what point.
(20:44 – 20:54)
I don’t enter into that debate. I don’t know at what point I crossed over from heavy
drinker to alcoholic. I’m pretty sure I was drinking when it happened, though.
(20:57 – 21:14)
But what I do know about my drinking is that I don’t know if it was alcoholic immediately,
but it was enthusiastic immediately. It was aggressive immediately. I looked for every
opportunity to drink and to get drunk immediately.
(21:15 – 21:22)
I loved the way this made me feel. And so I lived in a dry county. I was going to school in
a dry county.
(21:22 – 21:47)
I would drive into Nashville once a week, buy a case of this Boone’s Farm wine, put it in
the trunk of my car. And when the opportunity or mood hit me, I would go grab a bottle
of that out of the trunk and knock it off. Nothing really tastes better about pulling out of
the trunk on a 98-degree day in the south than a good bottle of that Boone’s Farm
Strawberry Hill wine.
(21:49 – 22:03)
Unless, of course, it’s the apple wine, which responds amazingly well to the heat. But,
man, so I was off to the races doing that. I really enjoyed it, and I had a good time.
(22:03 – 22:09)
But I began to have consequences immediately. I really did. You know, I was a blackout
drinker immediately.
(22:11 – 22:18)
And I lost time a lot, you know. And I lost cars a lot. And I lost dates a lot.
(22:19 – 22:29)
But this stuff would happen. But, man, it was worth it. You know, the book talks about
the fact that we can’t tell, you know, the true from the false.
(22:29 – 22:47)
I can’t differentiate the true from the false. And that even though it says, and in my case,
that I knew that my drinking was injurious, it was causing me problems, it seemed the
only normal way. I knew I was taking some hits because of this drink.
(22:47 – 22:53)
And, you know, there was some stuff attached to it that were problematic. But it seemed
fairly normal to me. I looked around.
(22:53 – 23:03)
The other people I was hanging around with looked to me like they were drinking like
me. Today, I’m not sure if they were or weren’t, because I now know I couldn’t
differentiate the true from the false. But I thought that they were.
(23:04 – 23:29)
What I do know is that over time, many of them began to grow up and mature and take
on responsibilities and move past what might have been a phase in their life. And my
alcoholism was progressive and got worse while they moved, perhaps, into a new phase
of their life. You know, in a vision for you, it talks about what most normal folks get from
a few drinks.
(23:30 – 23:39)
And it says they get conviviality. Now, for a long time, I used to say I didn’t know what
that meant. I just thought I’d been arrested for solicitation of it a few times.
(23:39 – 24:01)
But what I realize now is I look up and it means feasting and drinking, carousing with
others. So I was into the conviviality thing big time. It says it means conviviality, joyous
intimacy with friends, colorful imagination, and a feeling that life is good.
(24:04 – 24:15)
I get thirsty just saying it. I mean, that’s quite a package. I don’t know about you, but
that sounds attractive to me, a feeling that life is good.
(24:16 – 24:23)
All is well. All is well. Now, that’s the way I felt.
(24:24 – 24:46)
That’s the way alcohol made me feel right out of the gate. Now, over time, and as a
vision for you continues to say, in fact, you know, this part of the vision for you is really
the short version of my story of what I was like, what happened, and what I’m like now.
Because it goes on to say, no, no, no, no, that’s not the way it is for those of us in the
latter days of our drinking.
(24:46 – 24:55)
Good plan. Nice if you can get it, but that doesn’t happen for a guy like me in the latter
days of my drinking. It says one more temp, one more failure.
(24:55 – 25:17)
It says maybe momentarily I’ll get that, but that then I’ll wake up to face terrible,
wilderment, frustration, and despair. Not quite as attractive a package. And I go, oh, you
know, how many times did I wake up and go, oh, again? I did this again.
(25:17 – 25:28)
I did this to me. I did that to them. How could I? Why would I? How do I get out of this?
I’m stuck, bewildered, terrified.
(25:32 – 26:01)
It goes on to say that even in somewhere in that treatment time that I was in that
treatment facility, I came to a decision, to a conclusion that I needed to stop drinking.
Now, this doesn’t mean that I wanted to stop drinking, but I began to recognize that I
probably needed to stop drinking. But I’m thinking, like perhaps some of you are, what
do you got for me? I’m really afraid to give this drinking up.
(26:01 – 26:17)
Even though it’s got these problems, what do you got for me? And the book says I’m
ought to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring, and glum like some
righteous people I see. And that was my thought. You know, as Polly talked about
growing up in the south in Texas and Southern Baptist and no drinking.
(26:18 – 26:29)
You know, my worst nightmare was to go to a Southern Baptist wedding reception. I had
some Italian friends. Now, they could throw a wedding.
(26:30 – 26:43)
Got some Jewish friends, they could throw a wedding. But the Baptists just weren’t much
on this wedding thing, man. And we’d go down in the church basement and have
punching cookies, and I thought this is the longest hour of my life.
(26:44 – 26:57)
And that’s what I thought that sobriety was going to be for me was one hour after
another just like that. But that hadn’t been the case. Here’s what the book of Alcoholics
Anonymous says that a guy like me can find.
(26:57 – 27:05)
It says, do you have a substitute? Reasonable question. The answer is yes, and it is
vastly more than that. So it’s not even an even trade.
(27:05 – 27:11)
And I’m a guy that doesn’t want an even trade. I would like to get over on you if we’re
doing a deal. It’s vastly more than that.
(27:11 – 27:24)
It says, there you will find a fellowship. Your imagination will be fired. You’ll find release
from care, boredom, and worry.
(27:27 – 27:44)
The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. And when you think about it,
that’s exactly the same thing that most normal people get from a few drinks. That
fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous is conviviality and joyous intimacy with friends.
(27:44 – 27:55)
Colorful imagination is just like my imagination will be fired. And the most meaningful
days of my existence is a feeling that life is good. And that’s what I have found here.
(27:56 – 28:18)
But I didn’t find it on July the 1st of 1989 when I wandered into that treatment center.
I’ve got to tell you, my drinking, I just want to tell a couple of drunk stories and then try
to move on to getting sober, but to show you what I was like. I told you that I had 60 UIs,
and I totaled six automobiles, and I just had an abundance of car wrecks anyway.
(28:18 – 28:25)
And I just bumped into stuff all the time. You know, I totaled some cars, but in between
them I just kind of hit stuff. You know, it was like bumper cars almost.
(28:26 – 28:34)
Parking lots, poles, my drives into my garage, and it’s just awful. And, boom, there goes
a headlight. There goes a bumper.
(28:34 – 28:48)
There goes a rearview mirror. But I had two or three DUIs by now, and in 1978 I moved
down to Florida. I kind of ran away from home.
(28:49 – 28:57)
I was 23 years old. I went to work for a couple of guys down there who weren’t familiar
with my driving record. They gave me a company car.
(28:58 – 29:09)
It was a pretty nice car. It was kind of an old man car for me at the time, but it was a
fully loaded Caprice. You know, it had electric windows, and that’s the first time I’d ever
had those and had all kind of stuff.
(29:10 – 29:18)
But I’m over at some guy’s house one night watching Monday Night Football. We were
drinking and carrying on pretty hard. I get ready to leave there at halftime.
(29:18 – 29:31)
I’m driving home, and I’m going down this residential street. Now, I’m going way too fast,
beyond my ability to navigate. And there’s a horseshoe turn in the road, and there’s a
big tree.
(29:31 – 29:43)
And, man, I hit this tree, and I hit it hard. And it rocked me, and it rocked that car, and it
broke out the front windshield and back windshield. It caved in the whole driver’s side,
and it was a mess.
(29:43 – 30:00)
And, ultimately, it was rendered a total loss by the insurance company. But, amazingly,
that night it would drive. And I knew that I couldn’t afford to hang around and get this
third DUI and just got this new job.
(30:01 – 30:08)
And these people had given me this deal. And, you know, I’ve got to get out of here, and
I’ve got to come up with some plan. So the car backed away from the tree.
(30:09 – 30:20)
And I started driving it back over to the guy’s house where I’d left. And, you know, it’s
shaking and rattling, and the shard glass is blowing in. And it’s driving almost sideways.
(30:20 – 30:27)
The frame is bent so bad, and people are watching me, and I’m really embarrassed. And
I just finally get over there. I’m going to find my other two guys.
(30:27 – 30:37)
We’re going to come up with a plan. So I go in there, and me, actually, you know, so
Larry, Curly, and Mo devise this plan. Well, we said we’d have a couple of cups of coffee.
(30:37 – 30:42)
We’ll probably be sober. They will get in the car with me. We’ll drive back over and drive
back into the tree.
(30:46 – 31:02)
We will then call the police. The police will come. These guys will confirm my story and
my indignation that a white Ford pickup has run me off the road and caused this horrible
accident.
(31:02 – 31:05)
And so we do. We go over there. I use the car back up against the tree.
(31:05 – 31:10)
I get out of the car. I’m walking up to the house that’s there at the corner. I’m going to
call the police.
(31:10 – 31:19)
Didn’t have a cell phone, obviously, backed in. As I’m walking up to the house, this guy
runs out of his house. He’s running down toward me, great concern on his face.
(31:19 – 31:25)
His eyes are big as saucers. He said, are you guys okay? Are you okay? I said, yeah,
man, we’re okay. He said, well, it’s the damnedest thing.
(31:25 – 31:41)
He said, you’re the second guy to hit that tree tonight. And I said, yeah, man, they ought
to cut that damned tree down. You know, that thing, it is obviously in the way.
(31:42 – 31:46)
And we called the police. The police came. We gave them that story.
(31:47 – 32:01)
I told them about the white Ford pickup. I gave them three numbers off the license plate
and a partial description of the driver. And I’m the type of guy that after three or four
days, I’m a little upset that they hadn’t solved the crime.
(32:04 – 32:18)
Given that level of information, they should have at least come up with some suspects,
you know. But that’s the type of thing I would do. And looking back at my life today, it
looks absurd, absurd.
(32:18 – 32:28)
But when I was living it, it really did. When I was living it, it really did. I told you that I
had gotten convicted of that 6 DUI in the spring of 1985.
(32:29 – 32:39)
We went into the courthouse. When they came out and actually we finally pleaded out in
there and they came out and they gave me this time in jail. In fact, they said, we’re
going to give you 60 days in jail.
(32:40 – 32:45)
My lawyer came out and he said, that’s the deal. He said, you’ve got to do 60 days in jail.
I was petrified.
(32:45 – 32:52)
I was petrified to go to jail. I just didn’t see me as a jail guy. And I really didn’t.
(32:52 – 32:57)
I just didn’t think I had the survival skills for jail. I’m not a tough guy. I’m not a street
smart guy.
(32:58 – 33:10)
I just thought, man, a guy like me doesn’t go to jail. In fact, I was pretty sure most of the
people in jail belonged in jail and that I didn’t ever belong in jail. And this was just awful.
(33:10 – 33:22)
And I was frightened, petrified. And I said, would you please go in there and talk to him
one more time? And he did. He went back and then he came back down the hall and he
said, Steve, it just doesn’t get any better than this.
(33:22 – 33:39)
And that’s when he said, you’ve got ten weekends and you can do this in-house
treatment as part of your probation. And I said, okay. But then they told me, they said,
look, if you get arrested for any alcohol-related offense in the year of this probation, you
go directly to jail for a year.
(33:39 – 33:46)
You know, we don’t have to come in and have this conversation. You just go. I’ve just
told you something that I’m most afraid of.
(33:48 – 33:59)
I walk out of the courthouse. I’m walking down the steps, headed to my car, and I made
a decision. And the decision was that for the year of this probation, I will not drink.
(34:00 – 34:16)
I absolutely will not drink because I’m so afraid of going to jail. And I today think that
perhaps one of my bigger problems was I was just parked too far from the courthouse.
Because as I walked a little further, my plan took on a revision.
(34:18 – 34:27)
And the revision was, wait a minute, wait a minute, drinking and driving is my problem.
That’s reasonable. I’m glad folks here understand.
(34:27 – 34:36)
Drinking and driving is my problem. I will not under any circumstances drink and drive.
That, my friend, you can rest assured.
(34:37 – 34:56)
Unfortunately, I wasn’t to my car yet, and my plan took on yet another revision. The new
plan was I won’t drink much when I drive. And as, again, as absurd as that sounds, to
me, this was linear thinking happening as I’m walking to the car.
(34:57 – 35:09)
This was, in my group, we call it alkalogic. I had thought my way to that, and it didn’t
seem nutty at all. It seemed like I had come up with a reasonable solution to this
problem.
(35:10 – 35:30)
That’s alcoholism the way I have it. I think Jennifer quoted it last night where the book
says that there will come a time that a guy like me won’t have the power of choice over
drink, that I won’t be able to bring to consciousness with sufficient force the memory of
the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. In 1980, I was living in
Atlanta, Georgia, and I pulled out of the TGI Fridays.
(35:30 – 35:46)
I’d been there all afternoon drinking kamikaze shooters and taking tulinals recreationally.
And as I leave there, I got on Interstate I-285, the perimeter, going the wrong way on the
interstate. I hit a car head on and two other cars hit that car.
(35:46 – 35:58)
It totaled four cars. I woke up in the Fulton County Jail or came to in the Fulton County
Jail the next morning. I had thrown up on myself, and I had urinated on myself, or as I
say, I hope I did because somebody did.
(35:58 – 36:24)
And the drunk tank, you’re just never quite sure, you know. But I will tell you in all
earnestness that I had never been more afraid than I was that morning. And I had never
been more ashamed than I was that morning.
(36:24 – 36:43)
And I had never been more humiliated than I was that morning. And I had never been
more certain that I would never drink again. And a couple of weeks later, I’m driving
down the road, drinking a bottle of wine, smoking a joint, thinking, you know, I nearly
overreacted to that.
(36:45 – 37:04)
And I couldn’t bring to consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the way I felt
that morning in that jail cell because those weren’t idle promises that I made to myself. I
meant it. And my alcoholism is littered with moments that I absolutely meant what I was
saying.
(37:05 – 37:13)
Absolutely meant it. But I was without the necessary power. I was without defense
against that next drink.
(37:14 – 37:30)
And when I took that next drink, I was totally out without defense against what happened
after that, when the phenomenon of craving took hold. You know, one of the things that
makes sense, particularly for some of you new folks, is when we get here trying to figure
out, am I an alcoholic? A lot of talk about alcoholism. A lot of talk about alcoholics.
(37:30 – 37:40)
All of a sudden, I found myself in that treatment center, and I found myself going out to
meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I got to figure out if I am one, you know. Let me try
to get some information.
(37:41 – 37:55)
And so I began to identify with some of the folks that came in there. My very first
meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous happened on the Sunday night after, on July the 2nd, I
guess. Two men came into that treatment center.
(37:56 – 38:07)
They came in on Sunday night to carry the message, to carry the message of Alcoholics
Anonymous. And, you know, I didn’t know anything that was going on. I didn’t know what
to expect.
(38:07 – 38:23)
I do know that when I had checked in, that they had given me some literature and they
gave me a $12,000 big book that I had. And so I knew this was valuable, obviously,
information in here. And I had this book.
(38:23 – 38:35)
And then here come these two guys in that evening, and they’re carrying a couple of
books. And I’m thinking these, you know, it scared me to death, because I’m going to tell
you what happened. These guys were fanatics, as I look back at it.
(38:35 – 38:53)
There’s some here I’ve seen you this weekend. And they had those special binders, you
know. And the point is, before you could buy them like you can over there, these guys,
somebody had made these leather binders for their books, and it had A.A. burnt in it, you
know, and it had their name burnt in it, and it had all this embroidery.
(38:54 – 39:05)
And I thought, oh, my God. I said, A.A.’s got a summer camp somewhere. And there’s an
arts and crafts class, and I’m going to be making lanyards and wallets.
(39:07 – 39:15)
I don’t want to get on that bus when it takes off, you know. And that’s the truth. But
those guys came in that night, and I’m going to tell you something.
(39:15 – 39:33)
I don’t have a clue what they said, but I absolutely was drawn to those men. I absolutely
was drawn to them. And I’m so grateful that they came in there, and I’m so grateful that
they and people like them gave of themselves and gave of their time to do that.
(39:33 – 39:57)
And what I know now, looking back, is that, well, I didn’t understand intellectually what
was taking place, and I didn’t understand the good information they were giving me.
What was happening is they were speaking the language of the heart, and they were
connecting with me at a level that exceeded my ability to understand at the time. All I
knew when they left is that there was something about them.
(39:57 – 40:04)
I hoped I would see them again. I hoped I would see them again. I got out of that
treatment center.
(40:04 – 40:18)
And I said, about ten days in, I got pretty excited, frankly, about Alcoholics Anonymous.
Or I don’t know if it was AA I was excited about, because I still didn’t quite know what it
was. But, you know, I was kind of getting excited about the people I was running into.
(40:18 – 40:24)
You folks were impressing me, I’ve got to tell you. And you still do today, by the way. I
mean, I am so blessed to be in your company.
(40:25 – 40:38)
I am so blessed to be in your company. And we would go out to meetings, and every
time I would go to a meeting, I would hear somebody say something that just rocked my
world. I’d think, that’s the smartest son of a gun I have ever met.
(40:39 – 40:57)
And then I would go the next day to a meeting, I’d go, whoa, I cannot believe that is, you
know, where are these folks, what think tank are these folks coming out of? You know,
this is unbelievable. Today I know that they were just repeating something they heard at
the noon meeting. That’s okay.
(40:57 – 41:05)
Some guy had about a day and a half sober, heard something really cool at noon. And
you know what? In essence, that’s what we do. We pass it on.
(41:06 – 41:18)
So my responsibility, since I’m going to pass it on, is make sure that the message that
I’m passing on is the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s in the literature, that’s
part of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s my responsibility.
(41:19 – 41:28)
But I was kind of getting excited about this. I got me a sponsor. I actually went into 202
The Friendship House, which is a clubhouse there in Nashville.
(41:29 – 41:49)
And I’m now 28 days without a drink, 29 days after I’ve gotten out of that treatment
center. And I go down there and I go upstairs and I wander into this little room. And I
mentioned it during the workshop this morning that the clubhouse had two or three
different rooms and different types of meetings you could go in.
(41:49 – 41:55)
I didn’t know there were types of meetings, to be honest with you. I’m just fine in this
place. And I wandered into the smallest room.
(41:56 – 42:07)
And I’m in there and there were about 12 or 13 people. And they were reading from and
studying this book. And they invited me to sit down and join them.
(42:08 – 42:21)
And they were people who had a love for Alcoholics Anonymous. And they were people
who valued the integrity of the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. And they were
sharing of themselves.
(42:22 – 42:30)
And they were sharing about the literature. They were walking through that just as a lot
of people talked about sponsorship today in the workshop. They were taking me through
that book.
(42:30 – 42:38)
And as they found themselves in it, they helped me find myself. I first saw the problem in
the book. I found a problem that I could identify with.
(42:38 – 42:49)
I’ve got this problem. And that’s what the forward says and what you folks do for me on
a regular basis. It says we just, you know, we hope that this book, that no further
authentication need be necessary.
(42:49 – 42:59)
I don’t ever have to take another drink. You folks, I can learn from your experience
whether I am or am not an alcoholic if I choose to. I don’t get those lessons as well
sometimes, but that’s an option.
(43:00 – 43:16)
I got a sponsor from that room, a man named Frank D., who’s a man I love dearly and
been so valuable to me. And Frank began to take me through the book of Alcoholics
Anonymous. And then I get a year sober and I move to Richmond, Virginia.
(43:17 – 43:25)
And I get to Richmond and I say, man, I better get me a sponsor right away. I’m the type
of guy that I knew I needed a sponsor and I needed one there. I needed an in-town guy.
(43:25 – 43:37)
I need somebody looking me in the eye, you know, because with just a little bit of room,
I’d be the guy floating around on the outside of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that doesn’t
work for me. I’ve got to be right in the middle of this deal.
(43:37 – 43:48)
So I saw a guy and I was attracted to him right away. And I was attracted to the laughter
and I was attracted to the glint in his eye. And I got a friend that calls laughter the sound
effect of recovery.
(43:48 – 43:58)
And I tend to believe that that’s the case. And I was drawn to that. And I said, Joe, will
you be my sponsor? And he said, Steve, he says, I expect that I will.
(43:58 – 44:10)
He says, but why don’t we meet on Sunday at this McDonald’s and talk about it a little
bit. And I said, great. And I was excited.
(44:10 – 44:18)
Now, I’m looking forward to Sunday. Here’s what I’m thinking is going to happen Sunday.
Sunday is my opportunity to tell him all about me.
(44:19 – 44:27)
And I was excited at that. It’s my favorite thing. And I knew he must be equally excited
at the prospect of hearing all about me.
(44:29 – 44:45)
Now, it was almost like having a date. I mean, I was trying to figure out what to wear.
And, you know, I’d ask my wife, honey, how does this shirt look? You know, do these
pants make me look fat, honey? So I go up there to meet Joe at this McDonald’s.
(44:45 – 44:57)
And I pull in. And it is so cliche in Alcoholics Anonymous that he pulled in behind me and
said, get in the van. And I got in the van.
(44:57 – 45:11)
And we went over to an assisted living home. And there was a man that was paraplegic,
paralyzed from the neck down. And, you know, this wasn’t done for effect.
(45:11 – 45:15)
This is just what Joe did. I just happened to be there. He goes over there.
(45:15 – 45:28)
We get the gentleman and do the things it takes to help him get ready. And then we all
went to a meeting. And then we take him back and we do the things necessary to help
get him put down for the evening.
(45:29 – 45:33)
And then we go out. And Joe drops me off in my car. And I’m driving home.
(45:34 – 45:52)
And I go, you know what? He hadn’t asked me anything about me. He hadn’t told me
anything about Alcoholics Anonymous. But he had showed me more about what
Alcoholics Anonymous was about than he could have told me in weeks or months
together.
(45:54 – 46:20)
He had given a demonstration of these principles in his daily living. I will tell you that
over the short time that I’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous, you have impressed me
more by your actions than your words. And those people that I’ve had the privilege of
spending time around and seeing how they live their life on a daily basis and with the
integrity and the generosity and the things that they do, that is what has made an
impression on me.
(46:20 – 46:29)
That’s what’s attractive to me about this way of life. Joe has been such a huge help to
me. We got through.
(46:30 – 46:39)
I got to the sixth step. You know, I’d gone through the first three, I guess, there with
Frank. Done some inventory work with Joe.
(46:40 – 46:50)
And then he said, Steve, we’re at six and seven. He said, you know what, Steve? It’s
going to require a lot of humility for you. He said, six and seven isn’t about you being
perfect.
(46:51 – 47:06)
He said, six and seven is about you finding a way to live with your humanness. He says,
and it’s going to take a lot of humility for you to be okay with you as screwed up as you
are. And that’s how we all feel about ourselves, I think, when we show up there.
(47:07 – 47:15)
And that description of humility in the book that says, you know, a clear understanding
of who and what I am. That’s what I come out of the fifth step with. A clear
understanding here is the package.
(47:17 – 47:23)
Coupled with a desire to be what I can be. That’s now where I want to go. I got to be
okay right now.
(47:23 – 47:31)
You know, today is the day that I want to have a good day. You know, you folks tell me
an awful lot about living a day at a time. That means today’s my day.
(47:32 – 47:38)
I lived most of my life in preparation for a good day. Getting ready to have one. You
know, I’m close.
(47:39 – 47:42)
I’m close. I just got to get a few more things in order. I got to get a few more things
done.
(47:42 – 47:49)
Maybe it’s a little more money. Maybe it’s this, different job, different car. You know, but,
man, Thursday, we’re going to have a heck of a time.
(47:49 – 48:10)
Thursday’s going to be a good day. But now today is the day, and that requires me to be
okay with who I am right now. And the only way I can be okay with who I am right now,
because I am such a flawed human being, is if at the same time I am truly endeavoring
to be what I can be.
(48:10 – 48:23)
To let God help me become what he would have me become. Because Alcoholics
Anonymous, for me, has truly been a place that it’s how you play the game that counts.
My best effort is always enough in Alcoholics Anonymous.
(48:25 – 48:52)
I called Joe one night after I’d left a meeting, and I had pontificated at some length in
that meeting. And it wasn’t a speaker meeting, though there was some confusion about
that by the time I was done. And I’m driving home, and I called Joe, and I said, Joe, did I
sound self-righteous in that meeting? And he said, Steve, you are still asking all the
wrong questions.
(48:53 – 49:04)
He said, of course you sounded self-righteous. You always sound self-righteous. He said,
but the question is, were you self-righteous? He said, see, you don’t care if you were selfrighteous or not.
(49:04 – 49:13)
He says, you wonder if they caught you. You wonder if they know. You’re afraid
somebody’s driving home going, boy, that Steve’s a self-righteous son of a gun.
(49:15 – 49:29)
He said, you know, if you were self-righteous, try to stop. And if you weren’t, quit
worrying what they think. You know, I just want to be free to be me today, wherever I
am.
(49:29 – 49:44)
Alcoholics Anonymous and the God of my understanding meets me wherever I am. When
I was in that treatment center, you know, I’m even, not only am I bouncing around in my
story, I’m bouncing around in these steps. I encourage you to take them in order, okay?
But I will talk about them in any order I please.
(49:44 – 50:03)
And I kind of got, you know, I got kind of excited about this AA thing like I was telling
you. And then I get to page 44 in the big book, and it gave me that, you know, it says,
we hope we’ve made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic in
the preceding chapters. And sure enough, they had.
(50:03 – 50:13)
You know, I’d gotten enough information about alcoholism that I was clearly in the camp
of the alcoholic. I am one. Whoa, you know, I made the concession to my innermost self.
(50:13 – 50:24)
I am one. And it says, if so, you’re probably suffering from a disease which only a
spiritual experience can conquer. Ooh, ooh, bad day in AA for me, you know.
(50:25 – 50:39)
That is not what I was looking for. And I’ll tell you that I was, I don’t know if I was atheist
or agnostic, or I was kind of apathetic with regard to anything in that area. I just hadn’t
paid much attention for a long time.
(50:40 – 50:59)
I didn’t have any core beliefs one way or the other. I didn’t know what I believed or if I
believed anything. I, you know, we would, as we will hear at the end of the meeting,
after my little group sessions in treatment, we would hold hands and say the Lord’s
Prayer after the meeting.
(50:59 – 51:20)
When we went out to AA meetings, they would hold hands and say the Lord’s Prayer
after the meeting. I would back away from the group and clasp my hands behind my
back and stare at the ceiling with my eyes open and not participate in that prayer,
which, by the way, anyone is free to do. But I go, you know, a counselor pulled me aside
one day.
(51:20 – 51:29)
He said, Steve, he said, what’s that all about? He said, what’s that all about? And I said,
well, you know, I said, I just don’t know why I believe. And I said, I don’t want to be a
hypocrite. Yeah, he laughed, too.
(51:30 – 51:36)
And he really did. He just guffawed. He said, boy, I’m so glad to see where you draw the
line.
(51:36 – 51:51)
He said, oh, hypocrisy is where you stop, huh? I know that line cheating, stealing, and
everything you’re able to get by with that, but I won’t be a hypocrite. And he said, I got
some bad news for you and I got some good news for you. And I said, you know, okay, I’ll
play.
(51:52 – 52:11)
What’s the bad news? And he said, the bad news is hypocrisy is way down your list of
problems. And he said, you might want to address them in the order in which they will
kill you. He said, the good news is there’s room for another hypocrite in Alcoholics
Anonymous.
(52:13 – 52:35)
Yeah, just got an opening this morning, you know, come on in. And, you know, isn’t that
the truth? Because I found for me, I don’t put this on you, but for me, boy, I’m a living,
breathing hypocrite in Alcoholics Anonymous because I strive for perfection and settle
for patient improvement. I speak of perfect ideals while I come nowhere near perfect
adherence to them.
(52:36 – 52:44)
And that’s okay. That’s okay. We’re here trying my best to be my best wherever that
lands me on the chart.
(52:45 – 52:51)
Where you are on the graph and I’m on the graph might be real different places. If I’m
doing my best, it’s okay. It’s okay.
(52:51 – 52:58)
So that allowed me to move on. But I was stuck. You know, I didn’t know if I wanted a
spiritual experience, if I could have one, if I was willing to do it.
(52:58 – 53:07)
If it took to have one, if I would recognize one, if it came by. I just didn’t know any of this
stuff about a spiritual experience. It made me very uncomfortable.
(53:08 – 53:25)
The words God, the words spiritual experience, spiritual awakening, all of those types of
terms made me terribly uncomfortable. And today I have come to grips with all of that
over the last few years. I have found a relationship with the God of my understanding.
(53:25 – 53:37)
And I will share with you what it is. It’s not complicated for me. The one thing I know is
the book says that there may be as many different types of spiritual experiences as
people who have them.
(53:37 – 53:46)
That means that’s okay. It says that all the genuine ones are going to have a couple of
things in common. I’ll be able to do, feel, and believe that which I cannot do, feel, or
believe on my unaided will alone.
(53:46 – 53:54)
So the genuine ones have that as part of the package. But how I describe it and how you
describe it, it’s perfectly okay. Neither one of us have to be wrong and they can be
different.
(53:54 – 54:14)
It also says that in our personal stories, each person says in his own language and from
his own point of view how he established that relationship with God of his understanding.
And whether or not we agree with that conception seems for our purpose to make little
difference. So for our purpose here, it just makes no difference what your description
and my description or conception is.
(54:14 – 54:25)
Here’s where I found mine today, and it’s in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. It works
great just for me. It says that none of us can fully define or comprehend that power
which is God, and we acknowledge it.
(54:25 – 54:31)
So, good news, I don’t have to define or comprehend that power. I’ve been able to give
that up. That has freed up some real time for me.
(54:32 – 54:41)
I’m no longer trying to do that. It says that the fundamental idea of God lies deep within
every man, woman, and child. So now I know where God’s hanging out.
(54:42 – 54:53)
I know where he is. It says, in fact, in the last analysis, it is only there that the great
reality may be found. So now I don’t have to analyze it anymore.
(54:53 – 55:03)
I have conducted my last analysis. That’s where I’ve determined God is. And since he’s in
every man, woman, and child, that’s what connects me to you and you to me in my
world.
(55:04 – 55:16)
That’s what puts us together. Then it goes on to say that as I draw near to him, he will
disclose himself to me. And the way I draw near to him is to draw near to you.
(55:17 – 55:28)
When I reach out to you, I find that that’s how I connect with God in my understanding.
Now it says here’s the rub. The rub is that that relationship with God may be obstructed.
(55:29 – 55:39)
It says by pomp, by worship of other things, and by calamity. So my connection to that
God of my understanding will get cut off by pomp. I’m going to use the word for the third
time this weekend.
(55:39 – 55:48)
Pomp means I get all puffed up. Yeah, yeah. Pomp means that’s all about my pride and
ego and all about me.
(55:49 – 56:09)
Worship of other things seems to me to be those things that I’ve decided I have to have
that are more important than the God of my understanding and living these principles
and doing the God-directed things. They are my list of demands, not simple requests.
And a calamity are those things that I’ve decided real or imagined that just can’t be
happening to me.
(56:10 – 56:20)
And those things can cut me off from the God of my understanding. Those are things
that can obstruct my view. But that perception has worked for me very well.
(56:20 – 56:40)
I’m going to repeat something else that was said today because it’s so critically
important for me. Polly shared a poem today, a verse from a poem. A friend of mine, Mo
H., from Nashville, Tennessee, Mo used to share that poem, that verse, every time that
he spoke from the podium.
(56:40 – 56:53)
And Mo spoke a lot over his 28 years of sobriety. And he was diagnosed with cancer last
year. And in October, my friend Jerry and I went to meet Mo for breakfast.
(56:53 – 57:08)
And I got there a little before Jerry, and he was parking the car, and I was talking to Mo.
And that verse has been my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous. It doesn’t just sound
good, it has truly been my experience.
(57:09 – 57:29)
And as I talked to Mo, I told him how much that had meant to me and how much I
enjoyed it. And by then, we knew that his inoperable cancer was going to take him from
us fairly soon. And I said, Mo, would you mind if when I talk, I begin using that verse? I
said, it will help me remember and honor you, and I think it will be meaningful.
(57:29 – 57:46)
And he was obviously pleased and embarrassed at the same time. And he said, Steve, if
you think it will help another drug, please do. And I believe that it does because every
time I say it, it helps this drug.
(57:48 – 58:08)
See, I know whatever gets said up here tonight that I’m better off for having said it than
you are for having heard it. And when I think of those words that Polly said this
afternoon, and I repeat now with one word difference because it’s just the way Mo did it,
I don’t know which one’s right, but he says, I sought my God, my God I could not see. I
sought my soul, my soul eluded me.
(58:09 – 58:19)
I sought my fellow man and found all three. And that’s what Alcoholics Anonymous has
for me. As I draw near to you, God discloses himself to me.
(58:21 – 58:41)
It’s a wonderful thing that we have here. It’s a free gift unmerited, undeserved, but freely
given. I want to talk just a minute about some of the things, not so much going on today,
but where my life is.
(58:42 – 58:50)
We said I was married. My wife and I have been married 21 years. She’s a sober member
of Alcoholics Anonymous and her sobriety date is ten days after mine.
(58:51 – 59:08)
I went to that treatment center and ten days later she stopped drinking. I got to tell you,
that ten days has been valuable to me. Anytime we have an altercation, argument,
difference of opinion, I say, honey, just wait ten days, you’re going to see how right I am
about it.
(59:11 – 59:33)
That five-year-old daughter is 20. And we have had an open relationship with her from
day one, an open, honest relationship. You know, back in the family afterward, one of the
things it says is when she was 12 years old, I was speaking at a meeting in Richmond,
Virginia, and it happened to be Father’s Day.
(59:33 – 59:45)
And I had never, she had never heard me tell my story, and I thought perhaps it was
time. And I asked her and my wife Connie if they would come. And then I talked to
Connie and I said, you know, I’m a little nervous.
(59:46 – 59:57)
I’m wondering if I should edit the story. I’ll talk about these DUIs and stuff and put a, you
know, a humorous bin on it. And I don’t want her to think that I take that lightly.
(59:57 – 1:00:13)
And I don’t want you to think I take it lightly either, by the way. That is, you know, that’s
such a critically, it’s such a serious subject matter. And people just like me have brought
so much damage on people through taking off in that car while drinking.
(1:00:13 – 1:00:23)
And I don’t take that lightly for a moment. But being on this side of it, I can look back at
it a little differently today. But I said I’m worried about what to say.
(1:00:23 – 1:00:32)
And Connie gave me the advice that she will always give me, and it says just pray about
it. Pray about it and let God lead you. And what gets said is what’s supposed to be said.
(1:00:32 – 1:00:52)
But then I do what I always do, and I look in the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous for a
little guidance, you know. And I looked in Family Attributes and it says the primary thing,
and it says perhaps the only thing of value we have to offer our families is the truth
about ourselves. So my daughter has always gotten the truth about me and the truth
about her mother.
(1:00:52 – 1:01:01)
And it hadn’t always been pretty. Now, that doesn’t guarantee us an absence of
problems, you know. She came home drunk the other night, you know.
(1:01:04 – 1:01:14)
And we thought, well, what are we going to do? And we decided, well, we’re just, you
know, we’re just not going to do anything. Tell her maybe it would be a good idea if she
didn’t do it again, but she’s 20. You know, I’m pretty much out of the game now.
(1:01:15 – 1:01:25)
Even the illusion of control has gone now. You know. But we’ve got a wonderful
relationship that I value so much.
(1:01:25 – 1:01:36)
I don’t think I would have that if I was not sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. I’ve got a
wonderful relationship with my wife. You know, I love her so much.
(1:01:37 – 1:01:53)
And I think that I always loved her as much as I was capable of loving her, but my
capacity for love and my capacity to receive love has grown so much in Alcoholics
Anonymous because of you people. I was so limited before I got here. Polly talked about
her bankruptcy today.
(1:01:54 – 1:02:12)
I haven’t talked about this for a while, but at 10 years sober, I went bankrupt. In fact, I
remember coming down my street toward my house and coming the other way was a
flatbed truck, and it had a car on it that looked familiar. And as it turns out, it was my
car.
(1:02:13 – 1:02:31)
And the bank had come to reclaim their property. Now, actually, it had been surrendered
in the bankruptcy as a technical term, but it looked a lot like an abduction to me at the
time. But that was a humbling experience, and it’s not a decision that I came to lightly.
(1:02:31 – 1:02:53)
You know, I’ve heard a whole wide variety of views about bankruptcy in Alcoholics
Anonymous, and I’m not here to take a position. I know what I did and what felt right for
us through some counseling within our family, with some outside people, with sponsors,
and we arrived at the conclusion we arrived at. But I was talking about it.
(1:02:53 – 1:03:00)
I said, I’m just torn by this because these are my debts. I did it, you know. I did this.
(1:03:00 – 1:03:10)
I made decisions based on self, which later put me in a position to be hurt. And I said, I
am responsible for this. And he said, yes, Steve, but you’ve got a lot of responsibilities.
(1:03:11 – 1:03:22)
And he says, you can’t always address them all at once. Sometimes you’ve got to take
them one at a time. And he threw something at me that’s bothering me still today, so
check with me in a few years.
(1:03:22 – 1:03:40)
He says, you know what? He says, are you worried about it? He says, you have a legal
right. You have a legal right to declare this bankruptcy, and you qualify for it. He said,
are you struggling with the moral and ethical dilemma of bankruptcy? And I said, you
know, self-righteously, well, yes, I am.
(1:03:41 – 1:03:53)
And he says, well, you know, later on, if you want to, you can pay them back. It’s later
on. I haven’t found a good time yet.
(1:03:57 – 1:04:19)
But that keeps coming up in my head, so I wonder where, you know, I don’t know if
that’s ever going to go away, but I’m giving it a chance. But that’s something that’s
going to be there that maybe that’s a choice that I’ll need to make down the road. I have
gained so much in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I gained so much by being able to spend
time with people like you.
(1:04:19 – 1:04:30)
And I thank you so much for having me here. I thank Oli for inviting me and sharing the
time that you’ve given us. And John and Lori, thank you for hosting me and being such a
great host.
(1:04:31 – 1:04:52)
You know, I nearly stayed at the hotel tonight instead of going out to dinner because I
was a little tired. And it just hit me like a ton of bricks. They were all getting ready to go
out to dinner, and I thought, why would I miss that party? Why would I sit up here in my
room when I’ve got a chance to spend time with people like you? You know, so I jumped
in the shower and I went down there.
(1:04:52 – 1:05:03)
I’ll tell you, when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, something was missing in my life, and I
wasn’t sure what it was. And I know today that it was a guide of my understanding. It
was a relationship with him that was missing, and it was a relationship with you that was
missing.
(1:05:03 – 1:05:13)
I didn’t have a connection with people. And today that is not the case. So I’ll end with the
forward to the 12 and 12 that, for me, is the greatest promise in Alcoholics Anonymous.
(1:05:14 – 1:05:25)
It says that our 12 steps are a group of principles, and they’re spiritual in their nature. So
each and every one of them. It says, if practiced as a way of life, they will expel the
compulsion to drink.
(1:05:25 – 1:05:50)
That’s a pretty good deal. You know, practice as a way of life, which my sponsor tells me,
is not to be confused with reading, discussing, pontificating, thinking about, theorizing
on, but if practiced as a way of life will expel the compulsion to drink, the obsession to
drink, and enable the sufferer to live a life which is happy and usefully whole. And if it’s
whole, nothing is missing.
(1:05:51 – 1:06:00)
And if nothing is missing, then nothing is missing. Thank You folks so much for having me here this morning.
Thank you