Tom B. From Charlotte, NC. at 17th Annual Young Peoples Roundup, Las Vegas, NV. 8/16/1996

(0:09 – 0:33)
Liberty stood up here and I thought immediately about, we’re going to know a new
freedom and a new happiness, liberty and justice for all, you know, I can’t help it. My
name is Tom, I’m an alcoholic, I’m burning up, the coach got to go. I haven’t had a drink
since July 20th of 1965.
(0:33 – 1:02)
I look around this bunch here and there’s some of the greatest screw-ups and misfits in
this room on the face of God’s earth. And you’re sitting here on Saturday night, sober,
that ain’t natural, is it? You know, that’s not natural. And yet it’s the truth.
(1:03 – 1:19)
And that’s an example of the grace that works for us 24 hours a day. I wouldn’t be sober
10 seconds without God’s grace, and no one else here would be either, and I hope you
know that. Because all of my efforts to stay sober failed, all of them.
(1:20 – 1:39)
I busted my butt to stay sober for a long time in many ways, and it all failed until I gave
up, gave in. And I guess did the single most important thing I’ll ever do, and that was
read tonight, to concede to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. I think that’s the
single most important thing I’ll ever do in my life.
(1:39 – 1:55)
That took some doing. Over in North Carolina, we call real low-bottom drunks alligators,
or gators for short. And I’m sitting beside Wayne today, and I realize you have them out
here, too.
(1:58 – 2:02)
Stand up a minute, Wayne. Stand up a minute. Come on.
(2:07 – 2:29)
You notice the low brow and the beady eyes, the reptilian snout, the sneer on the lips,
you know, and the twitching tail? Gators are those guys that lay over in the grass, you
know, spread-eagle, and their eyes roll back in their heads. You know, you think they’re
dead. And it’s miraculous.
(2:29 – 2:44)
You can take the top off a bottle of Thunderbird and just move it under their nose, and
they sit straight up, just like this. Take a couple drinks of that stuff, and they’re ready to
take on the world, man, you know. Next day, they’re in the grass again, spread-eagle,
you know.
(2:48 – 3:05)
You know, the book talks about its being an illness, but it also talks about it being a way
of life. And I think that’s the reason the old-timers gave us what they call a way of life, a
design for living, they called it, that really works. And this is a living program.
(3:05 – 3:11)
It’s a program of action. Not thought, not feeling, action. It’s a spiritual program.
(3:13 – 3:28)
Unlike psychological programs, it doesn’t focus on me and how I can meet my needs. It
focuses, of all things, on others and how I can help meet their needs. As a matter of fact,
the book says, you know, my very life as an ex-problem drinker depends upon my
constant thought of others and how I may help meet their needs.
(3:28 – 3:38)
That ain’t natural. You understand? We got a gator up in North Carolina named Bob. We
got him out to grass, started taking him to meetings.
(3:39 – 3:46)
You know, he’d mumble all the way in the meeting. Go on another one. It ain’t natural.
(3:48 – 3:55)
I’m going to OD on this A&A shit. Ain’t natural. Man been sober 30 years, he still
mumbles, ain’t natural.
(3:59 – 4:07)
You know, once a gator, always a gator. That’s all there is to it. Now, if you all came out
here for a bunch of wisdom tonight, you ain’t going to get it.
(4:12 – 4:26)
I’ve got severe brain damage. Only have two neurons left. Every once in a while they
bump together and I have a brain fart.
(4:29 – 4:39)
And that’s the extent of my deep thinking. Now, when I started getting sober, I started
getting smart. When I was about two and a half years sober, I knew everything.
(4:39 – 4:51)
Everything. And I continued the progression from smartness to wisdom to erudition to
philosophy, you know. And I ran into an old timer down in Texas named Bob White.
(4:52 – 4:56)
He’s dead now. I love him. Loved him then, love him now.
(4:56 – 5:05)
He ain’t dead as long as I’m alive, if you know what I mean. And Bob was the only man in
the world that ever called me sugar and got away with it. That’s the one he called me.
(5:05 – 5:12)
First time I ever met the man, you know, I come down off the airplane, he lifts me up in
his arms. I’m not a small person, you know. Hugs my neck, kisses me.
(5:12 – 5:30)
Kisses me. Sits me down and grins and says, how you doing, sugar? You know what, I
thought, oh, shit. Is this the way they do it in Texas, you know? And it was, you know.
(5:30 – 5:41)
And I was all wise and everything. I wouldn’t impress this man because I looked up to
him. I sat down with him one day and reached down deeply into myself and brought out
the profundities of my inner being.
(5:44 – 5:56)
Bob sat there and looked at me and said, are you finished? And I said, yeah. He said,
sugar, for a genius, you’re the stupidest son of a bitch I ever met in my life. And got up
and walked out of the room.
(5:57 – 6:07)
I was crushed. It was like he stopped me in my tracks, dead in my tracks, like a good,
you know, right cross. And I began to count myself up to see how many I really was.
(6:09 – 6:15)
That’s a good habit for me. I still do it. Count myself up and see how many I really am.
(6:16 – 6:31)
Now, I’m 31 years sober. And I’m not particularly smart, wise, erudite, philosophical, any
of those things. I’m just an alcoholic who has learned to stay sober one day at a time.
(6:32 – 6:45)
I actually care and try to contribute something to this world and its life. And I try to the
best of my ability to give away what’s been given to me. You know, that’s all.
(6:47 – 6:58)
Now, I learned this from some people we call old timers. And I hold these people in high
regard. And I still listen to everything they have to say.
(6:59 – 7:06)
Because I realize that learning is a process which is never over. I got much more to
learn. And they’re the ones who are going to teach me.
(7:07 – 7:12)
You know, I used to revere them or mock them or put them down or do whatever. Now I
am one. I can’t do that shit anymore.
(7:14 – 7:25)
And I get a lot of respect in my home group. I’ll go in there on Tuesday night and the
youngest member of the group will say, Well, there’s Puddin’ Head. Well, you’ve been off
lying this time.
(7:26 – 7:28)
Sit down. Shut up. You might learn something.
(7:29 – 7:46)
I’ve been sober two years. Calling me Puddin’ Head. Ain’t that something? I stopped one
of them one night and said, Wait, when you’ve got five years, you can call me Puddin’
Head.
Not until then. And one of the old timers in our group who takes himself very seriously
says, Why do you put up with that? I love it, man. I love it.
(7:47 – 7:54)
That’s the greatest respect that anyone can show me. You know, when I love somebody,
I pick at them. That’s the reason I pick on Wayne.
(7:55 – 8:05)
I call my son Abner. His name is not Abner. There’s a lady in the group, you know, who
tends to forget her name.
(8:05 – 8:09)
Trish, you know, and she really does. She forgets. She introduced herself one night as
George.
(8:11 – 8:20)
And I’ve been calling her George ever since. I’ve got a pigeon I call Squidge. He said,
What’s a Squidge? I said, Hell, I don’t know, but you’re one.
(8:22 – 8:30)
His own mother and father call him Squidge now. He’s beautiful. He just had his fifth
birthday, you know.
(8:30 – 8:37)
He’s 22 years old. Beautiful kid, man. And I throw these words at him and he says, What
does that mean? I said, Get a dictionary.
(8:39 – 8:58)
And Squidge comes to the meeting with his big book and dictionary with a belt wrapped
around him, slung over his shoulder like he’s going to school, you know. He has on his
Pink Floyd T-shirt and his raggedy breeches with his drawers hanging out of them, you
know, and them damn combat boots we used to call them. And he’s got a nice upper
torso.
(8:58 – 9:09)
He’s really built good, but you ought to see his legs. They’re terrible, man. And I love that
kid like he was my own son.
(9:11 – 9:20)
And I respect him. And I respect what he’s done with his life. And he’s one of those guys
that when you ask him to do something, they do it.
(9:22 – 9:33)
Once in a while, he’ll say, Why? And I’ll say, That’s not a proper question. And he’ll go
ahead and do it, you know. And I love to laugh.
(9:34 – 9:46)
I cannot tell you how many years I forgot how. Except when somebody fell down and
hurt themselves, you know. Isn’t that something? And crying was out, man.
(9:47 – 9:53)
I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know. They didn’t have me do anything profound. I
love this program.
(9:54 – 10:07)
I was rum-dum, you know. A brilliant scholar, mind you, who went through college, you
know, majored in philosophy and history, had a 3.94 average, minored in religion and
Greek and English. So lost with the choir.
(10:07 – 10:15)
Had my own combo playing in a local steakhouse. Outstanding biblical student. How’s
that for a drunk? I won every award they had in that school.
(10:15 – 10:25)
And when I got to Yale, you know. And they didn’t tell me to do things I couldn’t do. They
told me to do things I could do.
(10:26 – 10:35)
Sit down. You know. They didn’t demand more of me than I could give, you know.
(10:36 – 10:46)
Shut up. Listen. You know.
(10:48 – 11:02)
They didn’t dual-diagnose my ass when I got here. Told my sponsor I was manicdepressive. He said, you’re a dipshit.
(11:13 – 11:21)
When I say I’m an alcoholic, let me explain that to some of these new people here. I want
you to listen, you new people. We’re a piece of work.
(11:22 – 11:32)
I’m going to tell you that right now. When I say I’m an alcoholic, I mean I always believe
that anything that feels good should be done to excess. If it feels good, overdo it.
(11:34 – 11:41)
So I had problems with everything. It felt good, you know. I remember when I found out
sex felt good.
(11:43 – 12:09)
I was by myself, just like all y’all were. Look at that man back there, covered up. I always
wondered why so many guys in AA who didn’t play tennis had tennis elbows.
(12:09 – 12:52)
Did you ever wonder about that? Well, you know, it felt so good when I first got into it
that in spite of dire warnings from my mother about a certain part of my anatomy was
going to rot off and I was going to go blind, I figured, hell, I’ll keep on until I’m
nearsighted. One of my early successes in life. When I say I’m an alcoholic, I mean I’m
the kind of person that always wants to do everything at once and do it all perfectly.
(12:53 – 13:13)
I wake up in the morning, before my body’s even awake, my mind’s going, I gotta, I
gotta, I gotta, I gotta. Have y’all ever tried to pee and comb your hair at the same time?
Now, women may be able to do that. Can you do it? When you’re six foot three, you’re
going to miss something if you try to do that.
(13:18 – 13:27)
And I was always a great starter and a poor finisher. Everything I ever did, man, I had
two speeds. Full speed ahead, stop, you know.
(13:28 – 13:33)
And in my drinking, when I was hurting real bad, full speed ahead. And then I’d start
feeling better. Stop.
(13:34 – 13:47)
And go right back and do the same thing you made me hurt in the first damn place. Keen
alcoholic mind. You know, doesn’t sound like a big problem, does it? Until we realize that
the program is a program of practice.
(13:49 – 13:56)
Practice means follow through. Means you do it, you do it, you do it. I don’t know how
many of y’all in here did like I did, make several false starts, you know.
(13:57 – 14:08)
And you wait for the magic to happen because we believe in magic, don’t we? That’s why
we like booze. And we found out, didn’t we, that magic is illusion. You know, I’d go to
preachers and say, fix me.
(14:10 – 14:16)
You know, I’d go to church, say to God, fix me, you know. I’d say to doctors, fix me.
Psychiatrists, fix me, I dare you.
(14:18 – 14:26)
I came to AA with the same attitude, fix me. I thought y’all was crazy as hell. Man
running around there laughing, said, I ain’t had a drink in 17 years.
(14:26 – 14:34)
Ha, ha, ha, ha. I ain’t had one in 17 minutes. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
(14:35 – 14:48)
Kept saying silly things. I’m Sam, I’m an alcoholic, been sober 25 years. I thought, hell,
don’t he know it? Why does he have to keep saying that? You know.
(14:49 – 14:59)
Ha, ha, ha. I was always a loner and I couldn’t stand being alone. Couldn’t stand it.
(14:59 – 15:13)
Couldn’t stand being with me five minutes without some sort of distraction. I did not like
my company. In my entire life, I knew that something was missing.
(15:14 – 15:34)
I didn’t know what it was, but I knew if I ever found it, everything was going to be okay.
In other words, I was searching for something when I was a little boy and had no idea
what it was. Like my good friend Johnny from out in California says, it’s like I had a big
hole in the middle of me with the wind blowing through it.
(15:34 – 15:39)
Man, it hurt. The French called it. I like that word, you know.
(15:41 – 16:01)
And I didn’t like that. And so, all of these are characteristics about alcoholics that most of
us will agree with, which you won’t find in a psychology text anywhere. See? Like when I
say I’m an alcoholic, I mean that I live in a body which will not handle alcohol.
(16:03 – 16:14)
When I put alcohol in this body, this body sent me a clear immediate message. Get some
more of that stuff and get it right now. Did yours do that? Every time I put it in there.
(16:15 – 16:20)
Get some more of that stuff, Tom. Get it now. It’s what Dr. Silkworth called the
phenomenon of craving.
(16:21 – 16:59)
Now, our friends, the scientists tell us that this is because we have a biochemical genetic
disorder having to do with hydroxide. It’s converted in my liver to acetaldehyde, which
combines with dopamine in my brain and creates tetrahydroisoquinoline and I lose
control. And the funny thing about it is they’re right.
(17:00 – 17:19)
They say, I’m allergic to alcohol. I like that better, don’t you? I can almost understand
that. And I’m an alcoholic and it tells me someday, somehow, if I just handle it right, I
won’t be able to control and enjoy my drinking.
(17:19 – 18:02)
And I try again and again and again and again and I fail again and again and again and
again. And the scientists say, and rightly so, that I have a narcissistic egocentric core
dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent on maintaining Now this is kind of insanity
that does not respond to medication. You get a schizo in there and give him some Haldol
or some Thorazine and he’s in the world again, man.
(18:04 – 18:27)
You give it to an alcoholic, he’ll come back an hour later and say, give me some more of
that shit. It doesn’t respond to traditional psychotherapy. Because we lie too damn
much, you know? I had a doctor try to treat me one time.
(18:27 – 18:34)
God rest his heart. Man tried hard. After two weeks, I was listening to him talk.
(18:37 – 19:01)
Recording him like he recorded me, you know? Because it ain’t that kind of insanity. The
insanity from which I suffer means that I’ve somehow been disconnected from a power I
must not be disconnected from. The big book doesn’t say that my dilemma is the
absence of Haldol or a good psychotherapist.
(19:04 – 19:15)
My dilemma is lack of power. And if I can find that power, that mental condition is going
to straighten up. And, it goes a step farther.
(19:16 – 19:21)
It’s where science stops. Mental, physical deal, that’s it. AA says, no.
(19:23 – 19:33)
We’re mentally and physically ill, but we’re spiritually sick also. Aha. And once the
spiritual malady is overcome, then we straighten out mentally and physically.
(19:35 – 19:49)
Woo! What in the world is a spiritual malady? I’m an idealist. Any of y’all idealist?
Perfectionist. Hypersensitive romanticist.
(19:49 – 19:56)
Magic dreamer. Who’s never been satisfied with life or people or me the way it was.
Always had to have more.
(19:59 – 20:11)
And fear drove me to get that more. And in order to get it, I had to manipulate and use
people and con and scheme and shuck and jive and tap dance and all those good things.
People don’t like that.
(20:12 – 20:22)
They came back at me. And a wall came up between me and those people. And I
became disconnected from my brothers, my sisters, and therefore I believe from my
God.
(20:23 – 20:37)
And I was separated and isolated and lonely. And when you’re disconnected in that way,
that is what spiritual illness is. And I disconnected me through what the book calls self,
will, run, riot.
(20:37 – 20:41)
The actor who wants to run the whole show. I did it. Of course I thought they did.
(20:43 – 20:55)
Now the AA remedy is so simple it blows people’s minds. It says first of all, quit trying to
control things. Quit playing God.
(20:59 – 21:06)
Give control to God. Examine the stones in that wall that you’ve put there. Name them.
(21:06 – 21:14)
List them. Take them to someone else and talk them over to make sure you haven’t
made a mistake. To make sure you’ve been real thorough, you know.
(21:16 – 21:28)
And then ask God to remove those stones. And when those stones are removed then you
step through the gap that’s there. And you make restitution to your brothers and your
sisters.
(21:28 – 21:37)
And when you do that you reconnect. And when you reconnect with your brother and
sister you reconnect with God. And when you reconnect with God the mental part is
gone.
(21:37 – 21:45)
You have been restored to sanity. That is utter simplicity. Too simple for intellectuals.
(21:47 – 21:58)
Really. They don’t understand it. When the big book was written in 1939 it was reviewed
by a person for the Journal of the American Medical Association.
(21:59 – 22:09)
Evidently an intellectual. And among other things he found, quote, absolutely nothing of
redeeming value in this book. End of quote.
(22:13 – 22:22)
Oh, word, what? Thirty million copies have been sold. Thirty languages. 145 countries.
(22:23 – 22:41)
More people read that book on a daily basis than any other book in the world except
certain religious literature. But there’s absolutely nothing of redeeming value. And I’m
not going to say because I’m too nice a person that that book’s done more good than all
the doctors on the face of the earth when it comes to alcoholism.
(22:41 – 22:51)
I’m not going to say that. But it’s too simple. Trying to explain my sobriety to an
intellectual.
(22:51 – 22:59)
I have fun with this. You’ve been sober that long? Must be an awfully strong person. I
said, no, sir.
(22:59 – 23:03)
When I admitted my weakness I got well. He said, that makes no sense. I said, I know it
doesn’t.
(23:07 – 23:12)
Well, you must have fought awfully hard to win the victory over alcohol. No, sir. I
surrendered.
(23:16 – 23:21)
Well, that don’t make no sense. I know it doesn’t. What do you do to stay sober? I go to
meetings.
(23:22 – 23:28)
Oh, group therapy. No, sir, just a bunch of drunks. We get together and talk to each
other.
(23:28 – 23:36)
We lie most of the time. He said, that makes no sense. I said, I know it doesn’t.
(23:38 – 23:44)
Well, what else do you do? Well, I have a sponsor. Oh, a psychotherapist. No, sir, he’s a
plumber.
(23:48 – 23:53)
That makes no sense. I said, I know it doesn’t. What else do you do? We have this
program.
(23:54 – 24:02)
Twelve-step program. Oh, I got it, he says. The great metaphysicians and psychologists
and theologians got together and laid you out a path.
(24:03 – 24:26)
No, sir, it was put together by a bunch of drunks. He’s blown away by this time and he
says, who founded this outfit? And I said, a bankrupt stockbroker and a proctologist who
had lost his ass. By this time, he’s wordless.
(24:32 – 24:39)
You ever heard this? God works in mysterious ways and wonders to perform. He plants
his footsteps in the sea and rides upon the storm. God, I love that.
(24:40 – 24:51)
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage, take those clouds you so much dread are filled with
mercy and shall break with blessings around your head. God, I love that. And God does
work in mysterious ways.
(24:52 – 25:11)
But he works in poetic ways. What is more poetic than that alcoholics should carry the
message to alcoholics? You see? And people lose sight of the fact that God has always
chosen strange people, man. I’m telling you, you know.
(25:12 – 25:20)
I remember reading about Elijah. Man running around the desert naked. Eating
grasshoppers.
(25:20 – 25:27)
His hair sticking out. Never cut his hair, never cut his beard, you know. Probably had tics
and shit, you know.
(25:30 – 25:36)
And God chose him. Maybe Ezekiel. Ezekiel was a real doozy, man.
(25:36 – 25:47)
Ezekiel was this dude that saw these dry bones in the valley and they got up and started
connecting and began to dance. And he looked up in the sky and saw a wheel in a wheel
way up in the middle of the air. I personally think Ezekiel was in DTs.
(25:51 – 26:02)
I think he had one too many sips of that Mogan David, you know. Moses. The Bible says
Moses was slow of speech.
(26:02 – 26:10)
That meant Moses stuttered. Now can you imagine this? He gets a message to go up to
the mountain. He goes up there and says, Who are you? Big voice says, I am.
(26:11 – 26:24)
And a bush lights up. Right after I wet my pants I’d have started stuttering too. And can’t
you hear God says, Moses says, go to Egypt and get my kids.
(26:25 – 26:34)
I want them to come on home. And Moses said, I can’t go. And he said, well I’m going to
send your brother Aaron to do the talking but you’re going.
(26:34 – 26:44)
And Moses went. And it doesn’t do any good to argue with God either. You know that?
Y’all remember Jonah? God told Jonah to go to Nineveh.
(26:44 – 26:53)
Right? Y’all remember this story? Jonah said, I ain’t going to no Nineveh. Slipped out and
got on the boat and went the other way. Big storm came and threw him overboard.
(26:53 – 27:01)
Big fish swallowed him up. Remember where he spit him up? Nineveh. Now the moral of
that story is very clear and simple.
(27:02 – 27:23)
If God wants you to go to Nineveh your ass is going to Nineveh. I mean even I can
understand that one, right? I had to think on it a little bit but you know. Ha ha.
(27:25 – 27:45)
So if you ever expect people of scientific ilk the hell of a word ain’t it? ilk to understand
our program may as well forget it. Unless they become one of us. And then they’ll find
out their intellect is not worth a drop in the bucket when you’re getting sober.
(27:45 – 27:52)
Okay? Because it’s a spiritual program. It’s a program you don’t understand and then do.
You do it then you understand it.
(27:53 – 28:00)
Action, action, action, action, action. No matter what you’re thinking no matter what
you’re feeling there are certain actions you’ve got to perform if you’re going to stay
sober. Period.
(28:04 – 28:12)
Now I’ve had a lot of fear in my life. You don’t have to fear it. Ha ha ha.
(28:14 – 28:20)
And I had a lot of reason to be afraid. I was the ugliest baby you ever saw. Ha ha ha.
(28:23 – 28:29)
People say how you know that? My mama told me that’s why. Ha ha. She said son I
never saw an ugly baby until you was born.
(28:30 – 28:40)
I didn’t take you out of the house for six weeks you was on the face of the earth. I didn’t
want nobody to see you. You know? As I grew up things didn’t get much better.
(28:41 – 28:50)
I wasn’t them skinny little old boys you know. Shoulder blades stuck out bad. I’d try to
bring my shoulders around and compensate you know my chest would disappear.
(28:50 – 28:59)
Ha ha ha. And mama made me wear knickers. Any of you guys have to wear knickers?
Boy they’re britches you know like Payne Stewart wears out there.
(29:00 – 29:05)
Payne’s crazy man. And my leg was this big and the knicker hole was this big and it was
always falling down. And I hated them.
(29:07 – 29:13)
Somebody told me not long ago said knickers are coming back. I said not on my ass
ain’t. Ha ha ha.
(29:16 – 29:24)
And on top of the skinniness I had freckles. I had freckles from the top of my head to the
soles of my feet. I had freckles where people have never reported having freckles.
(29:27 – 29:31)
I swear I think I had them internally. Ha ha ha. You know.
(29:32 – 29:35)
And I didn’t like me. I didn’t like the way I looked. Ha ha ha.
(29:35 – 29:40)
At all. You know. And I wanted to be a macho man.
(29:41 – 29:54)
And my mama had four big old brothers you know that were really macho. And the most
macho one was my Uncle Dud. He was a motorcycle cop back in the days when they
wore riding britches and leather spats up to their knees.
(29:54 – 30:03)
You know had a harness across here with silver bullets in it and a pearl handle 38 set
high on his hip. And he smelled like gunpowder and shaving lotion and he squeaked
when he walked. Ha ha ha.
(30:04 – 30:13)
You don’t get no more macho than that you know. Ha ha ha. And you know what my
macho uncles called me? Pudding Head.
(30:13 – 30:23)
Ha ha ha. Because I had this great shock of snow white hair you know and they all called
me Pudding Head. My son gave me a license plate for my car Wayne guess what it says?
Pudding.
(30:23 – 30:27)
Can’t keep a secret anymore. You know. And I got to tell you something about Dud.
(30:29 – 30:43)
Only time I wasn’t scared is when I was sitting behind him on that Harley Davidson police
motorcycle with my arms wrapped around him. In retrospect you see even then I needed
a higher power. I saw him Thursday.
(30:43 – 30:52)
He’s 87 years old now. He’s still the most macho man I’ve ever known in my life. He
almost died several years ago but I ran up to the hospital I came running to his room I
said you can’t die.
(30:52 – 30:57)
I didn’t say hey bye or nothing you can’t die. He said why not? I said I want to have a
hero. He said okay I won’t die.
(30:58 – 31:02)
And hell he didn’t. Ha ha ha. You know.
(31:04 – 31:10)
And he’s one of my heroes. And I got to tell you one of my beliefs. I believe we need
heroes in this program.
(31:12 – 31:24)
I don’t mean idols. I don’t mean these poor guys and gals because they can make a good
talk and we put them up on a stage and wait for them to do something wrong so we can
gossip about them and destroy them. Okay.
(31:25 – 31:33)
I mean heroes. I mean the guys and gals that get out there and they do it and they fall
down and they get up and they do it again and they fall down and they get up and they
do it again. You know.
(31:33 – 31:39)
They carry the message continually. Not just with words but with actions. They
demonstrate.
(31:40 – 31:55)
Do you realize how much that word is used in the book? And I’ve had a lot of heroes and
I wouldn’t be sober tonight but for those heroes Bob White was one of them. I’ll tell you
about some other ones. And they’re all dead but they’re not.
(31:55 – 32:10)
Do you understand what I’m saying? Their message is alive and well today. The guys I
sponsor hear about them because what they gave me I give to the people that follow
me. I have a friend in Oklahoma who has been sober longer than God.
(32:10 – 32:20)
He’s one of them. And he says it’s the sponsor’s job to train the pigeon that’s what we
call them in North Carolina. We don’t call them babies we call them pigeons train the
pigeon to be a sponsor.
(32:21 – 32:28)
That’s the deal. You’ve got to keep that golden thread going he said. You know? God
help us all if sponsorship ever falls by the wayside.
(32:32 – 32:45)
Now I didn’t like me when I was a kid. I didn’t like the way I looked I didn’t like the way I
felt I didn’t like what people said to me. Now when people don’t when you don’t like
yourself it’s very important that other people do.
(32:45 – 33:01)
You understand? And I set out on a mission without knowing it of getting the acceptance
and approval of everybody everywhere all the time. If I didn’t get it I was hurt. I became
a disgustingly perfect little kid.
(33:02 – 33:07)
Disgusting. Straight A’s in school man. Sang little solos you know.
(33:08 – 33:24)
Went up to the symphony orchestra one time we were supposed to play a couple of bars
the symphony was and we had identified the song and after I’d identified about twenty in
a row they said Tommy will you shut up and let somebody else identify one. And you
know everybody would say oh ain’t he great. And you know what I was saying? This ain’t
what’s missing.
(33:26 – 33:43)
What’s next? This is not it. Where do I move from here? So even the acceptance and the
approval of others was not fulfilling. That’s an interesting word isn’t it? I used to look
back on my childhood and I thought it was you know terrible.
(33:45 – 33:50)
I got into blame big time when I was drinking. You don’t ever get into blame you know. I
was a victim.
(33:52 – 34:03)
My mama was a black belt southern Baptist. Who would have breathed for me if she
could. Do you understand? Who tried to relive her life through me.
(34:04 – 34:11)
Demanded perfection of me. And even when I had straight A’s I got a silent message.
You can do better than that.
(34:12 – 34:29)
Okay? Any of y’all have a parent like that? Man you can blame their ass off can’t you?
When I was in the psychiatric ward the doctor said if I had a mother like yours I’d drink
more liquor than you do. I said right on. He got into my potty training and I got into it
with him you know.
(34:34 – 34:45)
My daddy was the sweetest man that ever walked the face of the earth. He was my
number one hero. He was so quiet and simple and gentle you know and accepting.
(34:46 – 34:53)
And one of these days I want to be like him. That’s one of my goals in life. Okay? I don’t
know if I can ever make it but I’m going to try.
(34:55 – 35:00)
And I loved him. But I used to look back on my childhood and all I could see was bad
stuff man. It’s so easy to see bad stuff.
(35:00 – 35:04)
You know that? Especially when you’re like me. I’m a nitpicker. I don’t know if y’all are.
(35:04 – 35:14)
I’d go in the house after my wife had cleaned it and without even trying to I’d find a spot
where she had missed dusting. It’s automatic man. If you’ve got a defect on you I’ll spot
it in an instant.
(35:17 – 35:27)
I’ve gotten careful about that though. Somebody told me, I think it was an old timer,
when you spot a defect in somebody else it’s outstanding. It’s your own shadow falling
across that person.
(35:28 – 35:45)
Look within yourself and you’ll find that exact defect. I didn’t like that shit. But I played
victim real good didn’t y’all? Huh? Doctor gave me Thorazine.
(35:46 – 36:04)
I learned the Thorazine shuffle. Walk up and down the hall 24 hours a day ain’t going
nowhere, ain’t coming from nowhere, you’re just shuffling man. See, the very insane
thing about it is I even excelled at being crazy.
(36:06 – 36:13)
I studied the schizos man. And I started doing what they was doing. They got better
medicine than I did.
(36:14 – 36:28)
And I studied the manic depressives you know. And I’d watch them come back from
shock treatment like this you know. I asked the doctor, can I have that? He was playing
ping pong with a Cherokee Indian man, schizophrenic, catatonic.
(36:28 – 36:41)
Stand up there and say, never said a word, never had an expression on his face you
know. And the doctor says, you ought not play with him, he may break out one time, he’s
going to be bad man. He said, why do you keep playing with him? I said, because I can’t
beat him.
(36:44 – 37:02)
Isn’t that something? You know how I got kicked out of the psycho ward? I slept down
one night and got drunk, came back and jerked that Cherokee out of bed and I beat the
shit out of him. Now let me tell you what the doctor told me. You have to leave.
(37:02 – 37:10)
I cannot help you. Listen, I love you too much. I don’t know why people love us like they
do.
(37:12 – 37:29)
Do you know what I mean? Isn’t that something for a shrink to tell you? I love you too
much. Victimhood is a growth industry in this country right now. Have you noticed? And I
know there are victims and it’s horrible.
(37:30 – 37:44)
But I’ve learned in the spiritual way of life that I will remain a victim until I forgive the
one that victimized me. And it doesn’t mean I have to understand them, I have to like
them, I have to justify what they did. I learned a lot about forgiveness from a friend of
mine at home.
(37:44 – 37:54)
His name was Tom. Him and his wife came to the program at one time and she started
running around with another man in the program. You know, we do that in here
sometimes.
(37:55 – 38:03)
We don’t talk about it much. And Tom’s going to kill him. Tom comes to a meeting with a
.38 in his pocket.
(38:04 – 38:09)
Cartridge is in the other pocket. His bridge is always about down to his damn knees.
Carry that gun, go kill that man.
(38:10 – 38:15)
And he went to a sponsor and the sponsor said pray for him. Hell no. Forgive him.
(38:15 – 38:23)
I ain’t forgiving him. You know? And he hated and he hated and he hated until it was
eating him up. And one night he got down on his knees and this is the point.
(38:24 – 38:31)
Here was his prayer. Lord, if you have a mind to bless that sorry son of a bitch I won’t
object. Amen.
(38:33 – 38:43)
Now does that mean he understood him? Huh? Justified what he was doing or liked him?
No. That’s a misconception we have about forgiveness. Forgiveness releases me.
(38:45 – 38:51)
Now Buddha was so smart. Buddha said to free your enemy you free yourself. He was
dead right.
(38:52 – 39:06)
Dead right. I had a pretty good childhood when I really started looking back on it. You
know? Had a good daddy and mama was a good woman.
(39:06 – 39:14)
You know I put a lot of stuff off on mama. Mama was one of those women that didn’t
know how to express love overtly. I never saw her and her and dad kiss or hug openly.
(39:14 – 39:21)
You know? I thought well they had sex twice in their lives. Once for my sister and once
for me. I couldn’t imagine mama and daddy getting it on man.
(39:24 – 39:30)
I couldn’t. You know? And she didn’t know how to do that. And I put her down for all
these things.
(39:30 – 39:35)
Demanded perfection of me and all these things for years you know. And that’s easy to
do. But then I realized something.
(39:36 – 39:47)
She’s dead now. Okay? But if I ask her to come to Las Vegas tonight and die for me she’d
be right there. You see? Some people don’t know how to love us in the way we expect to
be loved.
(39:47 – 39:58)
The only way she knew how to love me was give me money, bail me out of jail, almost
kill me with her kindness. You know? But she was a good woman. Misguided yes, but a
good woman.
(39:58 – 40:11)
You know? And I lived in a little textile mill town down in North Carolina and I had a nice
extended family on that side of the block. You know? I still think about those people. We
didn’t have the same names but we were family.
(40:11 – 40:18)
You know? I’d eat at your house, play at your house. If I misbehaved I got punished at
your house. You know? And punishment was sure and swift in the mill town.
(40:18 – 40:25)
They had a way of putting it to you that was real clear. You do that I’ll whoop your ass.
That’s just what they told her.
(40:26 – 40:34)
And you did it and guess what? And there was no, no appeal. Didn’t do any good. And
that’s when I first learned about mama talk.
(40:34 – 40:45)
You all ever hear mama talk? That talk, it don’t make no sense. Mama would be
switching my little legs saying, remember son, this hurts me worse than it hurts you. I’d
think, mama, give me the stick.
(40:49 – 40:55)
But I remember this lady living next door to us her name was Lena. She was the best
cook on the block and the best eater on the block. She was a big woman.
(40:55 – 41:04)
You know? I used to love to hug Lena. Man, when you hugged Lena you had a breast in
both ears. You know what I mean? And she rubbed me on the head and said, I love you.
(41:04 – 41:12)
And I’d say, mmm. I still think about it. There wasn’t nothing sexual about it.
(41:12 – 41:22)
I didn’t know what sex was yet. You know? I’d love to do it tonight, man. Being
surrounded by warm, fleshy love is appealing to me.
(41:22 – 41:36)
You know? I had some good friends. You know? Her little son, Bill Jr. Bill Jr. Bill Jr. was one
of those little boys that was programmed for self-destruction. You know, if he was in your
car about to shut the door you’d have to look for him.
(41:36 – 41:47)
If he was within ten yards of the car and don’t shut the door his hand would be in it. You
know the kind of kid I’m talking about? And I loved him. And then John Q. You know? We
had a good time.
(41:48 – 42:01)
An old man, Lucas, would come out of the house and he was going down to slop the hogs
down at the hog pen. I said, Come on, Puddin’. And I’d jump in that old wheelbarrow and
he’d ride me down to Hogpen, and I’d go wading in the creek and catch a few crawdads
and drink some clear water out of the creek, you know, and just walk.
(42:01 – 42:14)
I was expert at being when I was a little kid. I don’t know when I started pretending, but
it was pretty early, you know. And one of the things that I totally believe about this
program tonight is this.
(42:15 – 42:37)
Rigorous honesty means just being. Just being who and what you are. No facade, no
mask, okay? Popeye, I am what I am, and that’s all that I am, you know, and being up
front about it, okay? I used to go to the movie every Saturday.
(42:38 – 42:53)
It cost me nine cents to go to the movie, and for nine cents, I got to see a double feature
Western, a couple of good serials, Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers, you know, the original
Space Men. You’re all too young to know about this stuff. You have to watch TBS at four
o’clock on Sunday morning, you’ll see it.
(42:57 – 43:02)
And cowboys are my heroes, man. Wild Bill Elliott. Man, you’ll see Wild Bill.
(43:02 – 43:10)
He turned you gals on, I’m telling you. Square Jaw, big guy, wore two silver six guns,
turned backwards. You draw on Wild Bill, he’d spin them around and shoot the guns out
of your hands.
(43:10 – 43:26)
See, cowboys was polite in them days, you know? And Durango Kidd and Hopalong
Kassadin, and my favorite was Lash LaRue. Called him Lash because he carried a
bullwhip. You draw down on Lash, he’d whoop that gun out of your hand.
(43:28 – 43:45)
Lash was my favorite, man, and I was watching him at the movies one day, and he’s up
on the roof of the saloon. He’d run all the bad guys out of town, and he popped his whip
and whistled, and his horse came running by. And he popped it again and leapt into the
saddle and rode off in the sunset, and I swear tears come to my eyes.
(43:46 – 43:52)
Damn, look at Lash. And I watched it again and again and again. Well, you’ve got to
emulate your hero.
(43:54 – 44:01)
So I went home, got me a piece of rope, and went up on the garage. John Q. had a pony
named Beauty. I said, go saddle up Beauty.
(44:01 – 44:08)
He said, okay. I said, now walk her past the garage. And I popped my rope and whistled
and leapt into the saddle.
(44:09 – 44:27)
And when I hit it, you could hear me scream in Myrtle Beach. That was one of the most
memorable experiences of my entire life. Thirty minutes later when I got my breath
back, I started wondering about Lash LaRue.
(44:28 – 44:39)
I still wondered about Lash LaRue, man. I wonder if he had some surgery or something.
But I had fun.
(44:39 – 44:46)
And it’s a beautiful thing in the program. As you grow, you begin to take on some
balance in your perspective. It’s part of a spiritual awakening.
(44:46 – 44:50)
You know what I mean? Your perception begins to change about things. I began to see
one good thing. Then there was two.
(44:51 – 44:57)
Then there was three. And then there was four. Isn’t that funny? To balance out the
darkness with the light.
(44:58 – 45:02)
So I had a pretty good childhood. I don’t know if it’s normal or not. Hell, I don’t know
what normal is.
(45:02 – 45:05)
I never have. I think it means average. Damn if I want to be average.
(45:06 – 45:20)
You know? I hated me. Let’s just tell it like it is. Okay? That self-dislike was to grow and
grow and grow through my life and through my drinking until when I got to you, I hated
my guts.
(45:21 – 45:31)
But I did not know it. I had my first drink when I was 15. I remember it like it was today.
(45:33 – 45:41)
Up in Greensboro, North Carolina in a hotel room, we were on a high school singing trip.
You know, I used to sing a lot with the choir. In North Carolina, they’d have a music
festival every year.
(45:43 – 45:52)
And they called a cab driver. And they gave him $7.50. And he came back after a while
and he had a bottle filled with brown liquid. And the label on it said, Cream of Kentucky.
(45:54 – 46:18)
And I said to my friend, Egghead Baker, Egghead, what do we do with this stuff? He says,
Puddin’, he says, you drink a water glass of it as fast as you can. Didn’t you drink a glass
of water? Didn’t you do it again? Man, I followed directions to the T. Stood in front of the
bathroom mirror and watched myself take my first drink of alcohol. I can picture it now.
(46:19 – 46:30)
Why? God, it was electric. Whatever it was that had been missing all my life, it wasn’t
missing no more. I felt beyond good.
(46:32 – 46:42)
You know? And my friends puked and passed out. I thought, God, what a waste. And
when he was laid all over the floor, I called a cab driver, gave him $7.50, got me a pint of
Cream of Kentucky.
(46:42 – 46:47)
And I was off. I found the elixir of life. I thought.
(46:48 – 46:59)
You probably thought the same thing. And at 16 and 17, I was a regular customer at the
Wake County Jail in my home. Never remember once being locked up.
(47:00 – 47:11)
Remember coming to a lot and not knowing why I was there. My mother hostess of one
of the largest Baptist churches in the city. My father on the Board of Deacons for 50
years.
(47:12 – 47:23)
And I’m making the social pages. You know? Wasn’t good. You think that deepened my
sense of being no damn good? You better believe it did.
(47:23 – 47:29)
Got news for you. Tell you now. If you believe you’re no good, that’s exactly what you’re
going to be.
(47:31 – 47:45)
If you believe you’re going to fail, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. If you fear
something long enough, it will set in motion trains of circumstances that will bring you
misfortune you think you don’t deserve. I read it in a book somewhere.
(47:51 – 48:01)
And I was off and running. By the time I was 23, I’d had over a thousand stitches taken in
this face alone as a result of drinking. Locked up innumerable times.
(48:02 – 48:14)
Been in psycho wards, religious homes for alcoholics, where I excelled as a gospel singer
this time. Hell, it took me two weeks and I was delivering the sermons in the place. I
always went for the top, man.
(48:15 – 48:18)
Why? Control. I love control. You all like control? Don’t lie to me.
(48:18 – 48:32)
Don’t sit out there and shake your hand and say you don’t. If I pulled the bus of life into
this room tonight, everybody in here would go for the steering wheel. If there’s any AlAnons here, you all would be first.
(48:35 – 48:45)
Let me drive the damn bus. You’re drunk. Man, I love control, you know.
(48:51 – 49:06)
Mama got me today. I’d been kicked out of psycho ward and left a religious home for
alcoholics and was laying up at Mom and Daddy’s house drunk. She went down the
street to this tiny little florist shop.
(49:06 – 49:17)
A man named Simon ran this little shop. And he was very happy this day. And Mama
says, What are you so happy about, Simon? He said, Miss Brady, I’ve never told you this,
but I’m an alcoholic and I’m in AA.
(49:17 – 49:27)
I’ve been sober seven years and they gave me this little medallion. He said, Miss Brady,
if you ever know an alcoholic I can help, you just let me know. Mama says, Come on,
Simon.
(49:29 – 49:39)
And Simon took me to meetings. But I went to meetings, you see, with this attitude.
There’s twelve steps on this side, twelve traditions on this side.
(49:40 – 49:51)
There’s a man up front with a book in front of him. All I have to do to gain control here is
to memorize what’s there and what’s there and what’s in that book. And they’ll make me
president of alcoholics and all.
(49:53 – 50:00)
I mean, it was the pattern of my life. Do you understand? That’s the only way I knew how
to do things. The control position was the top position.
(50:02 – 50:15)
And God had gifted me with enough intelligence or intellect to do it. He almost killed me
with that. I’m convinced that the real low-bottom drunks are not the gators.
(50:16 – 50:26)
They’re the intellectuals and those who are eaten up with emotional religiosity. That’s a
low-bottom drunk, and I had them both. I could quote scripture until you’d puke.
(50:30 – 50:39)
So I memorized it. Oh, Lord have mercy. I can quote large portions of the big book to you
tonight.
(50:40 – 50:45)
I ain’t got to anymore. What a freedom that is. You know what I mean? What a freedom.
(50:45 – 50:54)
But that’s all I had. You know? And so I would quote the book, and I had lots of
knowledge sitting up here. You know, and I got none of the book.
(50:55 – 51:11)
And for the next seven years, the longest I ever stayed dry was 89 days. You hear me? I
could quote it. Somewhere in that book it says something about self-knowledge won’t fix
it.
(51:12 – 51:23)
I miss that part. Because, you see, I was different. That might have been for every other
alcoholic that was here when they wrote this book, but Tom is here now.
(51:24 – 51:35)
I’m different. 89 days. Down in North Carolina, they give away a red poker chip when
you’ve been sober 90 days.
(51:37 – 51:55)
I wanted one so bad I’d gone up after meetings and stole them out of the chip box. And I
met some of the meanest, ugliest, hatefulest, profanest people I ever met in my life.
They called them old-timers.
(51:57 – 52:11)
And they talked in circles because they were stupid. One old boy up in Burlington, North
Carolina, I’m out there majoring in being a Baptist minister. How do you like that?
Studying philosophy and reading Plato and Aristotle and Martin Buber, you know.
(52:13 – 52:21)
An old grumpy, I called him grumpy, the name of Bill Crumpler, and he’d wait for me at
the meeting. He denied that, but I know he waited for me. I’d come through the door,
he’d be there.
(52:22 – 52:32)
How you doing, boy? I didn’t like that. I’d say, I’m fine. And he’d go to cussing and back
me in the corner and tell me how I was.
(52:32 – 52:36)
That’s scary, you know that? The man had x-ray vision. He could see my guts. I didn’t
like that.
(52:39 – 52:45)
He said silly things. Boy, you can’t think your way into good living. You’ve got to live your
way into good thinking.
(52:45 – 52:57)
And I’d think to myself, you ugly bastard, shut up. See, I didn’t say anything to him
because I was scared of him. You understand? That’s the way it is with them, you know.
(52:57 – 53:07)
Boy, how come you’re always running around looking for God? God ain’t lost. Oh, I love
that one. And I’d come to the meeting armed with philosophy.
(53:08 – 53:17)
And they’d come around to me at last, last, always, you know. And I’d say, Aristotle said,
and he’d turn around and say, shut up, boy. He was a mean old man.
(53:19 – 53:25)
You know? I tried to get him on my side one time. I went out to save a soul. I found a
drunk in a log cabin with no indoor plumbing.
(53:25 – 53:29)
I don’t know if I ever told this before out here. The guy was turning blue. He was just
sick.
(53:29 – 53:34)
Been drunk in there about two months. I got him to the hospital. I’m in Prince Valley and
on my horse, you know.
(53:35 – 53:38)
Raked out that place. It was absolutely filthy. And I got a lady down the road.
(53:38 – 53:49)
We hosed it out and everything, you know. And I called Grumpy because I wanted him to
come to see the wonder that I had wrought. And when he got there, while I was going
through that stuff in that house, I found a gallon of wine.
(53:49 – 53:55)
And me and that guy both was drunk. And Grumpy wasn’t impressed by that a damn bit.
He shook his head.
(53:56 – 54:01)
Yeah, I called him one morning. I always call when it was too late. Did you all do that?
You know, all the liquor’s gone.
(54:01 – 54:09)
Test pattern’s off on TV. I believe it’s time for help. And I called Grumpy early one
morning.
(54:09 – 54:17)
Before I could say a word, he said, Boy, don’t you ever call me again drunk. He said, as a
matter of fact, don’t you ever call me again. If you want to get sober, you know where
we meet.
(54:17 – 54:23)
And don’t call me to come get you. You can walk. And he said, frankly, Tom, I don’t give
a damn if you ever get sober.
(54:24 – 54:35)
I’m a sensitive person. Some of the things I said about him that night are unprintable.
And I bless him tonight.
(54:36 – 54:43)
And he’s one of my heroes. And these heroes, they don’t change. You know? Last time I
saw Grumpy, he’s dying with bone cancer.
(54:44 – 54:50)
In New Hanover Hospital in Wilmington, North Carolina. And I walked in his room. I’d
been sober 16 years then.
(54:50 – 54:58)
And up came the finger. And he said, Boy, you’ll never make it. I’m talking about
humbling experiences.
(54:59 – 55:07)
You know what I mean? And this time I had 89 days. I pasted a red poker chip on the
90th day. And by God, I was going to make it.
(55:08 – 55:13)
And I went to meditating. I’ve done all the rest of the steps, you know. Meditation
sounded like something I’d never done.
(55:13 – 55:28)
And so I found out who the best meditators were. These guys shave all the hair off the
head and wear these orange bathrobes and cross their legs and sit funny and chant. I’m
going to tell you, I couldn’t find an orange bathrobe anywhere.
(55:30 – 55:36)
So I had to wear my old dirty, tear-cloth, blue-drinking liquor bathrobe with the cigarette
burns in it. You know the kind I’m talking about. Y’all have one.
(55:38 – 55:56)
I’m too vain to shave the hair off my head. And I’d busted up my legs so many times
driving drunk into things you ain’t supposed to drive into, you know, that I could get into
lotus position, but I couldn’t get out of it. So my wife would help me down into position.
(55:56 – 56:11)
I’d hurt, man. I’d say, oh. Now, I’m not making fun of this ancient good meditation
technique, OK? But I’m an alcoholic.
(56:11 – 56:18)
Don’t tell me about technique. Give me the results. And I’d seen what these guys could
do.
(56:18 – 56:25)
Walk on fire, lay on beds of nails, man. By God, that’d get everybody’s attention,
wouldn’t it? Look at Tom. He’s walking on fire.
(56:28 – 56:31)
Damn, look at Tom. He’s laying on a bed of nails again. Man, I wish I could do that.
(56:34 – 56:41)
And God, I don’t know much about God. I don’t think it’s necessary, because He knows
everything about me. Yeah, I’ve got a good relationship with the God that I understand.
(56:42 – 56:49)
I just think about Him as often as I can and have a little conversation with Him. I thanked
Him for that sunset out there, and I said, that’s nice. I appreciate that.
(56:49 – 56:55)
When I make a mistake, I say, God, if it weren’t for You, I’d do this all the time. Help me
not do this anymore. Thank You.
(56:57 – 57:07)
And I like that, you know. But he’s got a good sense of humor. Can you imagine him and
Peter standing up in heaven looking down at me? And God says to Peter, there he is
again.
(57:08 – 57:16)
And Peter said, who? And God says, pudding head. Sitting down there in that nasty
bathrobe. I wish he’d wash that thing.
(57:17 – 57:33)
His legs are about to kill him. He’s hurting. And tell me, Peter, what does it all mean
anyway? That’s the most miserable time I’ve had in my entire life.
(57:37 – 57:55)
Trying to do my way that which is not to be done my way. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
system. If I fulfill the conditions of that system, good sponsor, go to meetings, read the
book, follow the directions and work the steps according to the directions, it will do
exactly for me what that book says it will do.
(57:55 – 58:08)
If I do not meet the conditions of the system, it will not do those things for me. I didn’t
know that. And I drank on.
(58:10 – 58:22)
I did a wonderful, beautiful thing one time. You know one of those fun things we do when
we’re drinking? I drove my company car under a tractor-trailer up in West Virginia. And I
was unconscious for three weeks and I wasn’t supposed to live.
(58:22 – 58:31)
And I smashed up my left side, ripped my face off for the second time. Broke several
other bones. Became addicted to morphine in the hospital.
(58:31 – 58:44)
I was in bad pain. Lost from 215 to 120 pounds. I left the hospital not addicted but using
drugs.
(58:46 – 58:56)
Went back home to Lexington, Kentucky where I was living at the time and went to an
orthopedic surgeon and he said, I’ve got a new painkiller for you, it’s just come out. This
was 1964. It’s totally non-addictive.
(58:56 – 59:06)
It’s called Percodan. Now I knew the doctor didn’t know where off he spoke. After I
popped a couple of Percodan, I started eating them.
(59:09 – 59:14)
Along with the Sequinol. And I couldn’t walk, you see. My leg was just smashed.
(59:15 – 59:29)
And so I sat there and took Percodan and Sequinol and drank Pepsi-Cola because I found
out that boosted it. I got up to walk, I’d fall down, you know. For five months until I was
able to get up on my crutches.
(59:30 – 59:49)
And you want to guess what I did? I went straight to the nearest bar and got drunk. Now
people looking at that say, how in the world could you possibly do that? This stuff has
almost killed you, literally, and you go out and do it again. But I don’t have to explain
that to alcoholics.
(59:50 – 1:00:04)
It seems logical to us, doesn’t it? With our keen alcoholic thinking. And to make a long
story short, you know, I took a job as a college professor down in Charlotte. And I was
drinking heavy.
(1:00:05 – 1:00:13)
And I was about to lose that job. And I’d become so, so taken by alcohol. Taken by it.
(1:00:14 – 1:00:25)
That before I got drunk, and I knew it was coming, and I knew there was nothing I could
do about it. You remember that feeling? I’d go out and buy my wife and daughter
presents before I’d get drunk. It was like making up in advance.
(1:00:26 – 1:00:34)
And they knew what was coming. It was that bad. And then I had the most cursed and
most blessed day of my entire life.
(1:00:35 – 1:00:43)
I got smacked down by me and alcohol. And I came to on the floor. Funny how seldom I
made it to the bed.
(1:00:46 – 1:00:58)
You know? And I knew that I couldn’t drink. But not with my head. You understand what
I’m saying? And I knew, perhaps for the first time, that I couldn’t quit either.
(1:01:01 – 1:01:08)
And I knew I was going to die. And by this time, I’m on five years probation. I got two
years on the chain gang looking at me.
(1:01:08 – 1:01:15)
All I had to do was drink and get caught. I didn’t have the first driver’s license. I was
never supposed to drive again to the state of North Carolina as long as I lived.
(1:01:17 – 1:01:23)
And I made a profit out of grumpy. I walked back to Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, mind
you, I didn’t think it would work.
(1:01:24 – 1:01:27)
Not for me. Not for me. For everybody else but not me.
(1:01:28 – 1:01:40)
You know? I had watched them for so long, you know, go on and grab the sobriety switch
and live wonderful lives. And I did what they did and I wasn’t making it. It’s like Chuck C
used to say, the turtles of life were passing me by like they was riding motorcycles.
(1:01:44 – 1:01:51)
It’s a hell of a feeling. And I went late and I left early. You know? I didn’t say anything to
anybody.
(1:01:53 – 1:01:59)
But I kept going. And these crazy people in that group found out that I was walking. And I
didn’t walk no more.
(1:02:00 – 1:02:07)
The first two years I was sober, I went to a meeting every single night. And we had what
we called group sponsorship. I think it’s disappearing nowadays.
(1:02:08 – 1:02:14)
You know, nowadays a new person comes in, you give him your number and say, call
me. They didn’t do that. They said, give us your number.
(1:02:14 – 1:02:18)
We’ll call you. I got eight, ten phone calls a day, Wayne. From people I didn’t even know.
(1:02:18 – 1:02:27)
How you doing, Tom? Just wanted to say, hey, good to see you at the meeting last night.
I knew they were lying, but they were talking to me, you know. And every single night a
car would pull up in front of my house.
(1:02:27 – 1:02:36)
And they gave me those simple instructions that I could understand. Get in. You know? I
didn’t ask them where we were going.
(1:02:36 – 1:02:40)
I knew we were going to a meeting, you know. And I started to ask a question. Shut up.
(1:02:43 – 1:02:50)
It was wonderful. You know? And I kept going to that meeting. I got to watching this guy
in the group, and I liked him.
(1:02:51 – 1:03:05)
One thing I liked about him was he wore very expensive suits, and he drove a
Continental and smoked big old Cuban cigars. I’m not going to lie to you. But the thing
that was really attractive about Harry was that what he said was what he tried to do.
(1:03:06 – 1:03:12)
Not perfectly. Okay? And he had the best eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. By God, I
couldn’t even look at him.
(1:03:12 – 1:03:17)
He might see me, you know. It was so bright, they’d just sparkle at you, you know. Hell, I
wasn’t looking at that.
(1:03:17 – 1:03:21)
I said, I don’t know. You know how you are. You’re afraid somebody might see in you.
(1:03:22 – 1:03:34)
And I went up to Harry one night, and I said, I don’t want to die. Will you be my sponsor?
He turned around to me and said, Boy, I’ve heard about you. They tell me you’re not just
an alcoholic.
(1:03:34 – 1:03:42)
They tell me you are crazy. But I’ll help you on one condition. I said, What’s that? He
said, We will do it my way.
(1:03:42 – 1:03:49)
And I don’t know but one way, and it’s in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. You ready to
do that, boy? I said, Yes, sir. I said, Yes, sir.
(1:03:49 – 1:04:08)
Do you hear that? Okay. You ever notice how wonderfully brilliant your sponsor seems
before you ask him or her to be your sponsor? And then they go stupid on you almost
immediately? Well, that’s what Harry did. He said, The first thing I want you to do is
come to meet in Germany.
(1:04:08 – 1:04:12)
Shake everybody’s hand and ask them how they’re doing. I said, I don’t want to come
early. I don’t want to shake their hands.
(1:04:12 – 1:04:18)
And I don’t care how they’re doing. I just don’t want to die. And why do I have to do that?
And he said, You don’t ask me why, Tom.
(1:04:18 – 1:04:26)
You do what I tell you to do. That is sponsorship. A lot of people go through these
treatment centers now and they get real therapeutic about it, you know.
(1:04:27 – 1:04:31)
They think my sponsor is a counselor. Like hell he is. If he is, you better dump his ass.
(1:04:33 – 1:04:46)
A sponsor is a guide. I have a master’s degree in counseling. If I told you to do that, you
know, my next question to you would be, How does that make you feel? My sponsor
didn’t give a happy shit how it made me feel.
(1:04:47 – 1:04:53)
And don’t misunderstand me. Nobody in the world cared more about my feelings than
my sponsor. Nobody.
(1:04:54 – 1:04:59)
He loved me with all of his heart. Him and his wife both. Okay? But we didn’t talk about
feelings.
(1:05:00 – 1:05:08)
Sit on the front row. Why? That’s where the incurable ones sit. Don’t want you to miss
anything.
(1:05:08 – 1:05:15)
So I went to meet him and I shook hands and I looked at the floor. I didn’t miss anybody.
I knew he was watching me and he didn’t embarrass me, you know.
(1:05:16 – 1:05:24)
You missed what? And you know, magic started happening. My eye levels started coming
up. I saw some ankles.
(1:05:26 – 1:05:31)
And I saw some shins, you know. And I saw some thighs. I saw some beautiful thighs.
(1:05:34 – 1:05:41)
And some wonderful hips, you know. I ain’t got time to get into it tonight, y’all. But, you
know, I didn’t know it was the beginning of a new problem, but you know.
(1:05:43 – 1:05:54)
And finally, after I don’t know how long it was, I was looking him in the eye and I realized
I was glad to see him. Huh? And I did care how they felt. And they did too.
(1:05:55 – 1:06:06)
You understand? And whatever it was that was missing in me was not missing anymore. I
was home and I knew it. You couldn’t run me away from here with a damn bulldozer.
(1:06:08 – 1:06:18)
You’re my family. You’re my family. Then I started getting sober, the one who wanted
great things to happen, you know.
(1:06:19 – 1:06:29)
The erudite one, the vocal one, you know. People have found it hard to believe this about
me. For the first six months, all I could do was cry.
(1:06:30 – 1:06:36)
If you looked at me, I cried. If you said my name, I cried. They’d ask me to read and I’d
cry.
(1:06:36 – 1:06:44)
I couldn’t get through the preamble. And Harry would come up and get me and say, I’m
sorry, son, come on, your time will come, you know. And one night I got through the
preamble.
(1:06:46 – 1:06:56)
And they stood and applauded. And I cried. And then I picked up my three-month chip,
that red chip.
(1:06:56 – 1:07:02)
Man, you thought I’d been sober 98 years. Them people went crazy. Carl Grump, he said,
Tom’s been sober three months.
(1:07:02 – 1:07:10)
He said, you’re damn right. Then it was six months, you know. And I was working them
steps the best I could, you know.
(1:07:10 – 1:07:15)
And Harry was telling me what to do. And I was following directions. Let me say
something about that.
(1:07:16 – 1:07:30)
You can talk to me about your being surrendered until hell freezes over. You ain’t
surrendered if you ain’t following directions. And you see, I didn’t even know I had
surrendered.
(1:07:30 – 1:07:40)
If I had known it, I’d have screwed it up. Do you understand? I’d have run around and
told everybody, I surrender, I surrender, you know. God keeps secrets from us, you
know, when we ain’t ready for them.
(1:07:41 – 1:07:53)
It took me about 15 years to realize, damn, I surrendered. And I was thinking about
when’s my spiritual awakening going to come, see. Big, that’d be big.
(1:07:55 – 1:08:05)
I was sitting up at college one day. God, I’ll never forget. I was eating my bag of lunch,
and all of a sudden it dawned on me, Tom, you haven’t worn a drink for over three
months.
(1:08:06 – 1:08:18)
And I cried like a baby. Little nudges, you know, little brushes with God. After I took the
seventh step, I’m sitting in a little chapel, you know, down St. Simon’s Island in Georgia.
(1:08:18 – 1:08:26)
And I’m sitting there, you know, and I look up, and behind the pulpit, there’s a picture,
you know, a stained glass window. And it’s of the carpenter. You all know that guy.
(1:08:26 – 1:08:36)
It’s okay if I talk about him a minute, isn’t it? And there was no cross. I just finished the
seventh step. And a thought came to my head, said, where’s the cross? Next thought,
it’s been removed, Tom, and so has yours.
(1:08:38 – 1:08:50)
Little bitty things for the guy that wanted everything big, you know. That’s the way I had
to have it. That’s the way it comes, you know, not to my expectations.
(1:08:50 – 1:09:07)
And it comes when least expected. When least expected. You know, how many times
have you discussed, you know, taking the fifth step in a discussion meeting, you know,
and it says, you know, about all these things, you’re going to feel the closeness of God
and all these things.
(1:09:07 – 1:09:12)
It doesn’t say immediately. And then you hear people talking. That didn’t happen to me.
(1:09:13 – 1:09:25)
And after the third step, you know, you get on your knees with somebody and you take
the third step. That’s the way we do it at home, you know. And it says, in fact,
sometimes a very great one was felt at once, and some people get disappointed because
they didn’t feel it right then.
(1:09:27 – 1:09:37)
You understand? We are such result-oriented people. I had a friend at home that says
continually, trust the process. Trust the process.
(1:09:37 – 1:09:49)
It says it in what was read tonight, how it works. Rarely have we seen a person fail who
has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover, people who cannot or will
not completely what? Give themselves to this simple program.
(1:09:49 – 1:09:58)
Not work it. Jump in the river of life and let it flow. God, it’s so effortless when you let it
flow.
(1:09:59 – 1:10:15)
It’s so effortless when you turn that broken wheel over to the big wheel fixer and you can
make a choice and actually do it. Some of you all out there probably thought when you
got sober, the world was going to change. I thought that too.
(1:10:16 – 1:10:39)
Were you surprised? Wow. A fellow named Emmett Fox one time said, With a new
difficulty of any kind, it’s the reception I give it mentally and the attitude I take towards it
in my own thought that totally determine its effect on me. Chuck C. used to paraphrase
it.
(1:10:40 – 1:10:47)
It ain’t what happens to me in this life that matters. It’s my reaction that makes the
difference. The world is the world.
(1:10:48 – 1:11:04)
We were sitting in a meeting the other night, and some kid says, Well, this is nice in
here, but what’s it going to be like in the real world? I said, Hell, this is the real world.
This is where we’re talking about God and eternal values and beliefs and faith, the stuff
of which life is really made. Outside that door is a world of illusion.
(1:11:04 – 1:11:15)
Get it straight, kid. I believe that with all my heart. Sometimes I feel like I’m nestled in
God’s arms.
(1:11:15 – 1:11:21)
It feels so good I can’t even describe it to you. You don’t have to if you’ve experienced it.
It’s one of them chill month experiences, you know.
(1:11:22 – 1:11:36)
It’s been wonderful. But life’s given me some hard blows. You understand? The last five
or six years of my life, man, I can’t count the number of surgeries.
(1:11:36 – 1:11:45)
I think there’s five or six. And then one of them was for cancer. And I was married to a
woman that I absolutely adored.
(1:11:46 – 1:11:55)
And she went off to college, you know. And I was paying her way through college and my
two kids’ way through college. And, you know, all my thoughts of future retirement went
right out the window with that.
(1:11:56 – 1:12:09)
And she quit going to meetings and quit calling her sponsor. And she walked out on me
with these words, You’re a fine man and I love you, but I don’t want to live with you
anymore. Started having panic attacks.
(1:12:10 – 1:12:16)
A goodly psychiatrist started her on Xanax. And that was the death knell. She left.
(1:12:16 – 1:12:31)
My life walked away. Do you understand what I mean? I’m an alcoholic. I still have within
me the tendency to depend on someone else for the way I feel about me, to depend on
someone else for the way I believe about me.
(1:12:31 – 1:12:44)
I got this gorgeous blonde on my arm, man, and she was beautiful. But she was more
beautiful inside when she was sober. It was astonishing to watch her work with people
that nobody else would work with when they were getting sober.
(1:12:45 – 1:12:52)
And to see that light go out. And it was horrible. I wanted to die.
(1:12:53 – 1:12:58)
I actually prayed to God, you know, let me die. I just had cancer. You know, this woman
said, I’ve always bankrupt.
(1:13:00 – 1:13:09)
All these things are happening to me. And you know, about that time, my mother got
Alzheimer’s and my sponsor got Alzheimer’s. It was like I stick my head up.
(1:13:09 – 1:13:16)
Bam! You know, when’s all this going to stop? I don’t want to live. But I never thought
about drinking. Remember that, please.
(1:13:18 – 1:13:25)
And finally, I guess I’d had enough, and I called a guy. And I said, Buck, I need some
help. And this guy hadn’t been sober as long as I have.
(1:13:25 – 1:13:33)
But he says, down to earth is spit. Me and him are different as night and day. And he
said to me, Tom, I’ll sponsor you if you’ll help me.
(1:13:33 – 1:13:41)
I said, well, I’m not going to be much help, Buck. He said, yes, you will. And I went over
there with a list of all the things I’d done wrong to make Lisa leave me, you know.
(1:13:41 – 1:13:50)
And he said, when you’re done with that shit, we’ll throw it in the trash can. What did she
tell you when she left? I said, she told me I was a fine man. He said, you are.
(1:13:51 – 1:13:55)
Now, he said, I don’t have a solution to your problems. I don’t have an answer to your
questions. But we’re going to a meeting tonight.
(1:13:55 – 1:14:00)
I said, I don’t want to go to a meeting. He said, that’s the reason we’re going. And I
turned everybody loose that I was sponsoring.
(1:14:00 – 1:14:04)
I was too sick to sponsor anybody. And he said, you need to sponsor some people. I said,
I don’t want to.
(1:14:04 – 1:14:12)
I’m incapable of it. Can’t you see how sick I am? He said, yes, that’s why you need to
sponsor some people. And thank God for him.
(1:14:13 – 1:14:18)
He took me right back to the basics. Seven nights a week we’d hit meetings, man. I
wasn’t talking.
(1:14:18 – 1:14:23)
I was listening. Half the time I didn’t want to go. Then I would OD on this A&A shit.
(1:14:23 – 1:14:27)
This is unnatural. I was saying all that stuff, you know. But I kept going, you know.
(1:14:27 – 1:14:30)
That’s the magic of this program. You just keep going, you know. I remember saying to
my wife one night.
(1:14:30 – 1:14:36)
I started out the door. I said, where are you going? I said, I’m going to a… Y’all excuse
my language, please, but I do cuss sometimes. I’m going to a GDA meeting.
(1:14:36 – 1:14:45)
She said, why? You think it’ll help you? I said, hell no. She said, well, why are you going?
I said, because that’s what I do. Went the next night, same conversation.
(1:14:45 – 1:14:50)
You think it’ll help me? Nope. Why are you going? Because that’s what I do. Third night,
come in with a big grin on my face.
(1:14:51 – 1:14:57)
You know. It’s what we do that changes our character. And it’s our character that needs
to be changed.
(1:14:58 – 1:15:08)
Don’t know if any of y’all had a character like mine where the self-hate was submerged
down here. But when somebody would say to me, you did a good job, Tom. I’d give them
five reasons why I should have done better.
(1:15:09 – 1:15:14)
Somebody said to me, I love you, Tom. I’d give them four to ten reasons why they
shouldn’t. You’re a good man, Tom.
(1:15:14 – 1:15:24)
Oh boy, I’d tear that one up automatically with no thought. And automatic unconscious
responses, you know, are what character defects are made of. Get that right.
(1:15:25 – 1:15:30)
Okay. That’s the good thing I got with Buck. Because my mother died.
(1:15:31 – 1:15:42)
And less than two months later, Lisa killed herself in a head-on collision. And less than
two weeks later, a person who’s very precious to me attempted suicide. Two weeks later,
another dear friend died.
(1:15:42 – 1:15:51)
And about three months later, the lady I was so close to in AA, I called her my second
mother and sent her a Mother’s Day card every year. She died. You know.
(1:15:52 – 1:16:03)
So I wasn’t through with the grief when the new grief started. I didn’t think ever about
taking a drink. And I’ve got to tell you this.
(1:16:04 – 1:16:10)
I used to hear an old-timer named Tom Powers talk. He edited the 12 and 12 for Bill
Wilson. Okay.
(1:16:11 – 1:16:19)
He’s a brilliant man. And he used to say, what this program gives us is sanity. Everything
else, he said, is marginal.
(1:16:19 – 1:16:27)
And I never understood what he said until that day. You know, it says even so in the big
book. God has restored us all to our right minds.
(1:16:28 – 1:16:31)
Sanity. Blessed sanity. Everything else.
(1:16:37 – 1:16:45)
And I’m okay now. You understand what I mean? For so long, I hid me. I hid that part of
me, you know, I didn’t want you to see.
(1:16:46 – 1:16:51)
I was that stage character. You know, that’s what you saw. I would never show you the
other.
(1:16:53 – 1:16:59)
And so I stayed sick. And I began to show it in the fifth step, you know. And I began to
show it to more people as I lived my life.
(1:16:59 – 1:17:06)
And I began to be very open with the people that I sponsored and everything else. And
more and more of it came out. And today, you know, I’m happy with me.
(1:17:07 – 1:17:13)
I’ve got a light side and a dark side. Somebody said to me not long ago, some people
think you’re a saint. And some people think you’re a son of a bitch.
(1:17:13 – 1:17:21)
Which one are you? I said, both of them. And that’s okay. Do you understand? Because I
believe in accepting the dark.
(1:17:21 – 1:17:27)
God has a chance to work on it. And the light will gradually outgrow the dark. Nothing’s
been added.
(1:17:28 – 1:17:32)
Nothing’s been taken away. I’m still me. But I’ve become a totally different person.
(1:17:32 – 1:17:44)
How different? When I was 18 years old, a judge gave me an option of going to the
prison or going to the service. And I got patriotic in a hurry. And I joined the United
States Air Force.
(1:17:44 – 1:17:53)
And my daddy adored me. And he took me down to the bus. And while he was telling me
how much he loved me, he had his hand planted firmly on my butt, pushing me up in
that bus.
(1:17:54 – 1:18:01)
He couldn’t wait for me to get out of town. You know? And daddy died with lung cancer.
And it was long and it was ugly and it was tough.
(1:18:01 – 1:18:14)
And I saw strength in him I’ve never seen. You know? And the day before he died, he
turns over and he says, Son, am I going to die? And I said, yes, sir. He said, when? I said,
the doctor says it will be very soon.
(1:18:14 – 1:18:26)
Does that frighten you? And he says, yeah. But I learned a long time ago that when you
get fear, you give it to God and go about your business. And then he gave me the
greatest gift I ever had in my life.
(1:18:27 – 1:18:34)
He said, Tommy, I love you. You’re one of the finest men I have ever known in my life.
That’s the same daddy that pushed me on the bus.
(1:18:35 – 1:18:46)
You understand? Telling me this. Not long ago, my son, who’s now in the program for
four years, thank God, got up and introduced me. And he said, our speaker tonight is the
finest man I’ve ever known in my life.
(1:18:46 – 1:18:56)
He’s my father. He’s my hero. A couple of ladies told me at the group not long ago,
you’re the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I’ve ever met in my life.
(1:18:56 – 1:19:12)
He said, when you hug us, it’s like you ooze love. I said, what? You know what I mean?
I’ve had two kids named after me. I’ve got three goddaughters and a godson who I
watched being born in February.
(1:19:12 – 1:19:18)
What an experience that was. God, what an experience. I have a totally new appreciation
for women.
(1:19:20 – 1:19:32)
Oh, God, I’d never go through that for anything in the world. And this little kid up in
Cincinnati where he was born, they called me the cool one. I don’t know why they called
me that, but they nicknamed him the little cool one.
(1:19:32 – 1:19:38)
And he wears his T-shirt around, you know. And I’m proud of that. My refrigerator is
covered with kids.
(1:19:38 – 1:19:58)
And you see, I want to be like them. Because I believe with all my heart that when the
carpenter said, if you want to go to that place you always wanted to go, you’ve got to
turn around and become like a little kid again, that by God, he meant it. And you look at
our program, and it’s not a stripping away process, you know, until you get down what’s
real about you.
(1:19:58 – 1:20:10)
You know what’s real about me? That kid. You know? And so I’ll stop in my car along the
highway and take off my shoes and go out and wade in the mud in the field. And they
say, look at that crazy bastard.
(1:20:11 – 1:20:23)
They don’t know how good it feels. I get out in the front yard and I vaporize clouds with
my children. Y’all ever vaporize clouds? Lay flat on my back and all the kids around me,
all the dogs laying around looking up at the clouds, we’re making them go away.
(1:20:23 – 1:20:36)
And the neighbors are saying, thought he was sober. They don’t know how good it is, you
know. My pigeons don’t call me on Saturday morning between 10 and 11 because they
know I’m watching the Bugs Bunny and Tweety show.
(1:20:36 – 1:20:47)
Honest to God. Especially Wile E. Coyote, who’s one of my role models. I totally
understand Wile E. Coyote and Fred Sanford and Inspector Clouseau.
(1:20:47 – 1:20:55)
I love these. These are my role models, you know. And it’s all right.
You understand? It’s all right. I don’t think it’ll get no better. But it will.
(1:20:56 – 1:21:08)
You know why? Because I’m going to keep on fulfilling the conditions of this system. I’m
going to keep on following directions from my sponsor, you know, as long as I’m around
here. I’m just going to do it.
(1:21:08 – 1:21:21)
Why? Because it feels so good. Let me shut up, but I’ll shut up in just a minute. A friend
in Alabama, one of the most brilliant ladies I’ve ever met in my life, she opens her mouth
and sounds like Minnie Pearl.
(1:21:21 – 1:21:43)
You know that kind of person? And Betty gave me a tape one time by a singer and said,
this thing reminds me of you, you know. And it was kind of a dialogue. And if I can
remember the words, I’d like to use it tonight to close with, okay? As if it were a dialogue
between me and my two daughters and my son and my Southern Baptist mother, okay?
And my first daughter is named Christy.
(1:21:45 – 1:21:55)
Christy said, Daddy, why aren’t you famous? I said, Christy, I think I am. Because all the
people you see here tonight came out here to give me a hand. But their applause isn’t
what really matters.
(1:21:55 – 1:22:15)
It’s what I can feel from their hearts. And if tonight I made dreamers of some who had
lost them or made friends with a few who were scared, or if there’s one new believer
who came here, a critic, and I told him that somebody cared, then Christy, I always feel
famous. Though I’m not seen on TV, I get all the attention my ego can handle doing this
live and for free.
(1:22:15 – 1:22:30)
You see, I do it live and for free. My daughter Frances says, but Daddy, why are you
lonely? I said, Frances, I guess I am, because there are a few people that I miss tonight
who aren’t here to give me a hand. But you know, in some ways they’re closer than the
people out on the front row.
(1:22:30 – 1:22:42)
Because if I’m quiet, I can hear Grumpy’s heartbeat and rhythm, see Bob White driving
his car. And there are preachers and poets that I never met, like Bill Wilson, who hasn’t
gone far. So I’m alone, but I’m not really lonely.
(1:22:42 – 1:22:50)
I just got a group you can’t see. They give me all the companionship my faith can handle
doing this talking with me. You see, they do this talking with me.
(1:22:51 – 1:23:01)
And Jason, my son, says, but Daddy, I think you’re crazy. I said, Jason, that’s what keeps
me sane. I was born with a strange sense of humor to go with a strong sense of pain.
(1:23:02 – 1:23:24)
And I found it as nothing so serious that it can’t hold its own in a joke, so I may smile at
stories about people suffering and laugh about losing my hat and make people think I
give talks without answers because I tease them and hide where they’re at. But I also
like things that are simple, and a smile is the last thing you’ll see on the face of this
crazy old outlaw laughing out loud because I’m me. I laugh like this because I’m free.
(1:23:26 – 1:23:52)
And then my Southern Baptist mother said, I’m not trying to sell you religion that’s out of
her mouth, okay, but Tommy, do you love Jesus? I said, Mother, doesn’t it show? She
said, I’ve been listening to you for an hour, and frankly, I’ve got to say no. Because if you
did, you’d be famous, big concerts and Christian TV. You’d be so well-known that you’d
never get lonely, you’d never be crazy or weird, but you’ve got to give up giving talks
without answers, and you ought to shave off that old beard.
(1:23:53 – 1:24:04)
I said, I love you too, Mother. But you sure found it different than me. You see, I do my
best, and I do it like Jesus, because he did it live and for free.
(1:24:05 – 1:24:05)
Thank you.